caught in the act - totally covered in sawdust!The course wasn't nearly as intense as the last one ~ a huge relief.
Instead those gaps were filled with chatter interlaced with stories.
After the first day the three of us, virtual strangers, who were staying in hotels decided on an evening together. Seeing as all the places to eat were packed, we ended up chilling out in the bar and sharing stories. Funny stories, sad stories, heart stories, unfair stories.... they flowed into one another, parts of history shared between us all. More stories were shared on lifts to and from the course venue. Some kind of bonds were formed, addresses and e mail shared. Perhaps, hopefully, paths will cross in the future.
Then, sitting quietly with a coffee and my book at the airport, I was observing those around me.
A couple who were sipping wine and drinking in every detail of each other, a lady who put in 50p for internet access to scour her e mails until she obviously found the important one ~ I wondered how long she got for her money and imagined it running out before she finished reading... and another lady who sat down by a computer momentarily, before getting up and sitting next to me. There were very few spaces to sit, and she didn't want to take space at a computer when she didn't want to use it. Shared travel stories ensued and developed into work and personal stories...
We were separated on the plane, but on the opposite side of the aisle was a young girl.
When we landed, I took down my bag from the overhead locker - a CBBC bag the children won in a competition when they were smaller. This prompted the girl to comment on it, apparently the logo has changed and she knew exactly which years the bag would have been from.... a trigger for her Mum to start chatting, and even more stories....
People do love sharing stories, almost need to share stories, need to have their stories listened to. It made me think too that everyone of us has a story to tell. Many, but not all, of the stories shared were sad stories. None of them really needed a response in terms of doing anything about them... they just needed to be told, and listened to...
Their value is in their telling.
A story at every corner...
Last night I was aware, in parts, of the storms and high winds howling around the eaves of our bedroom. In those moments I was so pleased I wasn't half way up a mountain.
Today is a day of shelter, taking stock of where we are at, what needs to be done and how to move forward.
I am enjoying listening to midlake, courtesy of the recommendation from LB, a large mug of freshly brewed coffee by my side. We have just been baking banana muffins and melting moments. The children have been asking for ages, and I've put them off again and again.... I guess half the fun is in the mess and the licking of bowls, but the children don't see mess, they just enjoy. I don't remember seeing it either when I was small....
Now the delicious smells from their creations are wafting through the house I do feel rather guilty for my tardiness..
Plans are afoot for exhibitions coming up soon. R has included me in his plans, a push forwards into new territory for me... I'm not used to being in view and am usually more of a background ideas person in this small team.... however, we'll see how things develop. There are lots of ideas floating around ....
Today I'm taking time to stand and stare...I'm not sure it is getting anywhere, but it feels good and necessary....
With more storms forecast for tonight, it's time to shelter quite literally and so, just in case the winds reach the levels predicted, we have even brought the rabbits inside...
and, just to remind myself, from school days...
What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies
My head is bursting......
information overload, sensory overload and emotional overload
Constantly being topped up.
the girls are off to Kilimanjaro tomorrow.......... go girls, go .... to the top :)
....or rather as far as they can....
sadness and mixed feelings.... I should be with them, but can't, and decided I needed to be with little R right now.....
we're all working hard together.
I'm away in Southampton next week, training again, and am studying hard.
Little R is on half term, but wanting work to do in the holiday ready for an exam he's got when he goes back...
a shift in his thinking and working that has been noted at school too.
As hard as I tried to stem them, tears were lurking when I heard about how far he has come in the past few weeks since Christmas...
Tears when they achieve and tears when they don't ...... the overflow of emotion....
The world is full of beautiful people, as Pip so rightly says...
Beautiful people who effect other people ~
Today a friend had a major operation off island. Fortunately prayers for surgeons with steady hands and clear sight were answered and anxiety was replaced with relief :-)
Beautiful people who send parcels to people they have never met,
Beautiful people who call to say they want to spend time in the Summer with you,
Beautiful people who share feelings, and worries, and thoughts, and laughter over coffee,
Beautiful people who smile and ask you what you think, who want to hear your ideas, and share theirs,
Beautiful people who wave as you pass in the car,
Beautiful people who let you in when they are grieving, and beautiful people who shut you out,
Beautiful people laughing, smiling, crying, hurting, loving.... feeling
Beautiful people everywhere, who make life special, and the ordinary.... extraordinary.
Chocolate and surprises - two of my favourite things......
So what a wonderful surprise to find a chocolate filled package from the truly lovely Caroline waiting for me last night, a beautiful person thinking of others. Made my day...
It's delicious.... thank you x
Am feeling much better.....
helped in a small way by a few things ~
A thank you card we received today, totally unnecessary, out of the blue, from someone we met in the middle of last year.
Thank yous are always lovely to receive, but even more so when it's not expected and when it's for something very small. The timing was excellent too - some people seem to always get it right..... I don't, but this was perfect...
I was also dog sitting for my Mum - the dog rested in her bed, and I rested on the sofa.... she has an uncanny way of just knowing, picking up on feelings and emotions, I remember that from our dog when I was growing up too.
Added to that I finished two books totally unrelated to work, enjoyed the calm of their garden, relished the peace and quiet, and just being in my own space - wonderful.... :)
It's viral......
the diagnosis that covers all ills that can't otherwise be explained - fatigue, headaches, nausea, feeling like something dragged up on the shore... that can't quite be shaken off.
Rest and fluids, three days off and hope that finally I'll be back to 'normal', or at least functioning properly.
I don't remember seeing a colour image of a virus before, this one is polio, but google tells me that many are just as beautiful :-)
Reminds me of a gobstopper type sweet that looks tempting but tastes awful
Pretty on the outside but not so great inside....
or a particle from space.... I can see it as a sculpture, or part of one..
Whatever it looks like though, I'm tired of it, when I'm not dozing, I'm too tired to read for long, bored by daytime tv, not able to concentrate on work.......
A whirl of things going round in my head.
It's really not convenient to be ill right now, but it's never going to be convenient....
and I can't remember the last time I was given, or gave myself, permission to just look after me, even if it is only during school hours ....
so it's time to let go and go with the flow for a while...
I wandered into S's room and laid on her bed -
things move forward, I love her room, it's full and busy and pink and fluffy, a nightmare to clean and dust and keep organised, but I love it.
It's been a manic Sunday...
Finally I'm all packed and ready, a few bits left to add in the morning.
Money to pick up, and I'll be away.
When I kiss the children and R goodbye tomorrow morning I won't see them till Thursday evening.
I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss them - I've only ever been a single night away on my own since they were born.
That feels weird, and I'm not sure I like it - I still feel like I need them as much as they need me and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.
I know they'll all be fine - and I've got some serious work to get on with.
The hotel looks wonderful, and I shall have space to read and relax inbetween studies.
Internet access but no computer.....
Will catch up next weekend,
aurevoir
The New Year got off to a wobbly start, with the realisation on the way to work yesterday, that I really didn't feel too well.
However, putting it to the back of my mind, and avoiding all food or drink other than water, I was able to keep the nausea at bay and plod through most of the morning's work.
There have been a few times since I started this new job, when I have been taken aback by what can only be called the kindness of human nature and yesterday was one of them. We were busy and already one member of staff down, yet every one of the team helped out when they were able. I felt totally supported and cared for, and was sent home slightly early with an assurance that if I wasn't well in the morning I wasn't to go in.
It is six months since I finally finished my previous job. It was more than a job, it was something I worked for from my heart, I loved it but it was a job for more than one person on their own and I had no one to share it with. Choosing to hand in my notice was emotionally painful and it's been a long recovery.
A much valued service was taken away from people as a result, and although I cannot be responsible for it, I still hurt with that knowledge, and will continue to search for a way around it.
I know I have been reluctant to enthuse too much about my new job, probably because it lacks some of those vocational qualities I've always searched out in whatever I've done previously.
I've wondered where I am going to, wondered how fulfilled this is going to make me, yet knowing on a logical, cognitive level, that it was, as one of my close friends would term it, 'a good call', a much needed change on many counts.
I'm now sitting here, having had 19 hours solid sleep, feeling much better, and am truly thankful that I am in a position, not just doing something I'm enjoying, but where people care about me. That it's not just enough for me to care about others, but that I am worthy of being cared for too. Surely that shouldn't be such an odd concept....?
So far it's been a steep learning curve, with new skills to develop and perfect, but I'm well on my way. Next week I'm away in England to start on the next stage of my training, and looking forward to it.
I'm not sure what the catalyst for change is, but I know life happens regardless of the plans we make.
I tend not to make New Years resolutions, but rather make them up as I go along. This time last year I wouldn't have predicted being in the situation I am in now.
I still have no idea where it's all going to, but perhaps we do really end up exactly where we are supposed to be somehow.
Wow that was quick... and intense. Tomorrow R is back to work, then the children are back the following day.
They are ready.....
too many late nights, too much staying inside, too much having to be good, watching what they say, too little freedom.
I hate feeling restricted, contained, smothered, other people's expectations.... it's not surprising they don't like it either.
Sometimes the lid has to come off the pot and let the steam out - safely, but it has to be let out.
We all need our safety valve, be it football, dancing, art, music, whatever...
With the forthcoming term upon us it only seemed sensible to sort some essential, and some not so essential shopping.
The children needed shoes, Sam needed some winter boots, and I didn't need anything, but I did find some wellies ...
all I need now are a few puddles to splash in :)
Slowly does it...
The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.
We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x
Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)
Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.
I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...
Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.
As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...
A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.
Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."
I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too
Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.
Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently
I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(
They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.
R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.
We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....
Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow
I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.
I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.
However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.
So.... deep breath
K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"
Little R " a few"
K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"
Little R " I don't think many people do"
K "do you?"
Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"
K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)
* K finally tells the truth *
Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"
We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....
The moment had come and gone
Its crisp and cold here in the mornings, yet so clear it makes me want to breathe extra deeply.
When the sun comes out it is breathtaking.
The evenings feel similar. The other day the moon was hiding just behind a cloud, and Sam and I really did see the silver lining(s) in the cloud..... they do exist!
If we'd had a camera at that moment, I'd have taken a photo, but I can't help thinking some moments are far better experienced, absorbed, internalised and appreciated in their entirety, for what they are, instead of trying to capture them on film and missing the essence of it.
I have struggled with this too when I watch the children in various productions, though fortunately someone else is normally recording an event if it's important.
There's a momentum building again in R's art work, with some very varied possibilities and potential exhibitions ahead.
This brings with it a whole new energy and feel to the house, and has an effect on everyone. It's as if it breathes a new life into the place - works in progress and new ideas being formulated and discussed. Its also a reason to get out and experience anew, wonders of nature, that require nothing more than for us to just step outside.
We don't need a reason, but I know we do it more when we have one.
His work envelops us all. I've noticed there is a different kind of calmness when we have art permeating our lives, in whatever form.
For now I'm breathing deeply and enjoying the shift thats occurring.
Not sure how to post 'you tube' clips, but this made us laugh when Richard found it :-)
It's not that there hasn't been anything to write lately, it's just that life overtakes thoughts, or at least the coherent ones, and it's far easier to read others' than to organise my own.
Just before half term, my car had a close encounter with a wall, so it's in being mended and I'm now running around in a lovely manual car from the garage whose horn sounds just like Noddy's!
Once it's all sorted we will be looking for a new second hand car - I have no idea why I let myself be persuaded into buying an automatic car in the first place.
We're building up to my Mum going in for an operation on her foot later this month, which will render her non weight- bearing, on crutches for six weeks, all over Christmas, New Year, her birthday and my Dad's birthday.
Losing her independence like this, albeit for a restricted time, will be hard for her but will no doubt send ripples outwards and have an effect on those around her.
Navigating the whole independence/dependence mine field is tricky, whether it is from my relationship with my parents, my children, or my work colleagues. When the balance changes from the norm we are used to, it throws up new challenges for everyone involved.
Health issues have been uppermost too since one of my best friends has been concerned about her daughter, who is the same age as Sam, and they are now waiting for results of scans to see what it is, and how best to move forward. It's been a long wait, and if it's seemed long to me, it must have seemed like eternity for her.
Christmas is being pushed at me against my will, but then I have missed postage for Australia apparently ( note in diary for September next year!) I am finding myself getting extremely irritated that shops are playing Christmas carols when we haven't even got to advent, we're hardly into November and not even past bonfire night. Does it really encourage sales figures? perhaps it does and I forgot the true meaning of Christmas lies in maximising profit.
However, it's not all dismal - the bright crisp weather is holding out as if in eager anticipation that one day I will make it out to start putting the garden to bed for the winter.
Little R has football trials tomorrow for the under 11 island football team - excitement to balance his revision and work at school - exams in a week's time
Sam is preparing for a dance festival in the new year, and I now have hundreds of sequins to stick on her orange tutu....... orange! at least it's colourful :-)
and I'm starting to think that the most difficult initial part of this transition period from one job to another is coming to a close and now its about keeping the momentum going that I've been striving to build up...
It's been hard but it's getting easier.
When / if I change job again I think I'll make sure it's something I can do standing on my head - I do believe there are some people who choose the easier path and those who always choose the more challenging route.
I'm currently on one of the five minute breaks I'm allocating myself, after each half hour of study. The only thing is, it turns into far longer than five minutes, and there are so many distractions.
Distractions like shoes and boots.....
Finding boots to fit is almost as much a nightmare for me as jeans (Samtzmom's post today), so I was delighted to find this site on the web - recommended by a friend who has shared similar embarrassing shoe shop experiences when zips don't slide effortlessly up on a dream pair of boots - expensive, but worth it.... I wonder?
They do shoes too :-)
Am now searching for a made to measure jeans site that doesn't involve stripping in a pod in Selfridges ...
There are days, when the only thing that feels right are the oldest most comfortable jeans, even though they're nearly worn through, an extra large warm woolly fleece, a big mug of tea, a log fire, some favourite music and the prospect of something nicer than studying or contemplating the other various obstacles that need to be overcome in the next few months...
I'm back from our break - which was infused with art of all kinds, coffee, wine, cheese, chocolate, shopping, music, reading, exploring, walking and just being as a family.
On the way out I met a friend of a friend, who I'd been thinking of, following the pub experience. I've always found it odd that some kind of fortuitous coincidence means I'll often bump into the right person at just the right time to give me what I need.
In this case a whole heap of most welcome reassurance.
The trip was not entirely stress free.
As so often happens, I had been responsible for travel arrangements. It wasn't the best start...
We travelled as foot-passengers on the ferry, then had a bus to catch to our hotel.
The decision not to take the car had been purposeful. However, occupying the children while we waited for nearly three hours for French public transport to arrive was somewhat of a challenge.
When we were finally shown into our compact, family room at the hotel, where there were three beds neatly made up in a row, with barely enough space to walk between them, my heart sank. Lesser forgiving families would have lynched me, instead they laughed and the beds were, at least, comfortable.
We had barely sat down when the clock on the tower started to chime. It was the clocktower hotel afterall....
it chimed religiously every quarter of an hour. The thought hadn't crossed my mind when I booked it.
However, once we had taken all this in and bought earplugs the holiday took an upward spiral. We even enjoyed the simplicity of our accommodation, as we only really needed a place to sleep.
We relaxed, the kids relaxed and we had fun. We walked and explored, visited artists as they worked and attempted to converse in our basic french.
We ate out in restaurants and the children were welcomed - I had forgotten just how much I love French mealtimes, taking their time and savouring both food and company.
Being slightly out of season many restaurants were closed so we were eating with local families who couldn't have been more friendly and genuine. It was a shared experience.
Nothing about the holiday was pretentious or false, most things were so incredibly simple.
Even the hotel fitted the holiday, although a non chiming one would have been preferential.
Fortunately the homeward journey was straightforward and uneventful and today was back to football and domesticity.
Sam still yearns for a smart hotel experience, and Disneyland beckons too - I'm sure they'll be fun when we get to them, but simple was just right for now.
No, I haven't joined some religious group where alcohol is deemed the devils brew or such like. It's far more practical and logical than that - and temporary!! :-)
However, I did spend all night last night in a pub.
I've been thinking about pubs quite a bit lately - partly due to Julie's brave new adventure - and partly due to a programme I watched last week about Aberfan, where it talked about how the community would want to hang on, in the pub after hours, instead of going home.
Pubs have featured a fair bit in my life socially over the years - it was where we would meet after stressful shifts to debrief and reflect before going home - before formal reflective practice was expected as part of our ongoing professional development, when we just coped, just supported each other as part of the team, shared experiences and the like.
Sunday evenings at the pub were just as much accepted as Church - 8pm at the Bedford Inn would see a number of us gathered to catch up and share where we were, what we were doing etc
Many huge subjects have been discussed, unburdened and made more manageable in the pub, there is something about the atmosphere that can make for more effective free flowing conversation, regardless of alcohol.
Evenings when deepest fears can be aired.
Evenings like last night.
It was quite some evening....
My reflection on the way home was that, quite possibly, the biggest risk any of us can take, is to have children.
I'm sure there is no bigger love than that of a parent for their child, and therefore there is no greater risk.
I'm not sure we'd have had the same conversation and the same outcome in different surroundings - it was what needed to come out.
Last night, the pub was important.
Good days are interspersed with more difficult days at work - learning a new skill in addition to a new job is more tiring than it would seem.
The children are following my progress and pitfalls with interest and encouragement. I need to do my homework but I'm finding it's all too easy to just fall asleep.
With this in mind we have embarked on a new routine - early to bed, early to rise, which means I'm in work earlier but still just as tired at the end of the day! On top of this we have given up alcohol and increased exercise - now it's just a case of getting used to it all, and I'm sure I'll be re-energised and able to read everything I have to and want to, reply to my e mails and texts and write proper letters, and generally get done what needs to :-)
Sam couldn't sleep tonight.
When they were small I'd fairly often cuddle them until they fell asleep in my arms. It has to be one of the most beautiful feelings in the entire world.
So I wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to savour the sleepy softness of her nestled into my neck, arms wrapped around me until she relaxed into a peaceful slumber.
A perfect way to end a day.
In the summer I picked up this small piece of twig while we were out walking with S and his boys around the reservoir, with plans to try and cast it in silver, and add something sparkly to it.
Last night saw the start of this process. Hopefully we'll try casting it using cuttlefish, and then, as long as the twig is intact, we can try with a silicone mould too.
Its strange how not long after starting this, the twig, which we have all had a good laugh at, has turned into something precious and meaningful to me, and now I'm taking great care not to knock bits off it....
Then again there's something I like about that too
Your letter was only the start of it,
One letter, and now you're a part of it.
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you...
There must be something that you always want to do,
The one thing that you always wanted to
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you and you...
When I was little I used to watch Jim'll fix it almost religiously - watching all kinds of dreams come true. I'm sure if it was still running now little R would have written in to ask to watch Liverpool play live at Anfield.
Yesterday I managed to get hold of two tickets for Liverpool v Manchester City at Anfield in November, double checked flights and hotels, and then broke the news - it was a really special moment, filled with disbelief, excitement and tears of joy . I'm sure he thought it would never happen.
Now and again I find him suddenly grinning as he thinks of it.
He's so happy it's infectious.
Its the end of another week, home from Sam's ballet class and time to relax.
Little R flew off on football tour today and it always feels as if something's missing when one of us is away.
The unexpected challenge of today came in the form of management being kind and caring.
I have been so impressed by the whole team working together, have been bowled over by their support, but was caught offguard by unexpected kindness. I'm simply just not used to it at work.
It has made me think about how conditioned we can become to only expect criticism or increased demands, so that when the opposite occurs it can be overwhelming and hard to accept.
Seeing our faults can be easier than seeing our worth..... but maybe thats because it's what we get used to.
My first discovery in blog land was a real treasure, and inadvertently led me to discover various other wonderful blogs.
Small words, simple ideas, spoken by someone outside our usual group of friends or family can sometimes trigger a thought process, a way of seeing and feeling that hadn't seemed clear before.
Thankyou Pip, when I first saw this I printed it out for my son. I've mentioned before about him being bullied in the past, and his self esteem is so fragile.
This was one of those triggers, I've read it with him many times, and it helps both of us.
Sometimes we don't know what our words mean to others, and sometimes they mean so very much.
Since I've started back at the hospital, even though I'm officially working more than I was before, in fact I now have more time free, and more time to spend with the children, more time to cook tea, more time to help with homework supervision, in fact more time generally - more time to learn things I never knew or things I have forgotten. More time as a family - things that money just can't buy.
Time for being reminded that there are words I still struggle to spell, as I check the spellings for this week... one c or two, how many s's ....?
Some words I'll always have to check with a dictionary if I want them spelt correctly!
I will never forget how completely amazed I was at the speed the children learned to read.
If anything can illustrate the sponge-like quality of a childs brain it has to be learning to read - one of the most incredible everyday miracles I've been witness to.
We have spent much time since then, learning how to spell, although I was pleased to hear the other evening that the teachers are now putting more emphasis on the content and ideas within the children's writing than they are on the spelling ...
a blessing for so many people who found spelling difficult and thought that their writing was poor as a consequence.
Now Sam will look at her writing and judge it on her descriptions, her use of dialogue, how exciting it is, and whether she has portrayed what she wanted to the reader, before she gets to the grammar and spelling.
I'm no writer, but that seems about right to me.
Have been catching parts of Extreme dreams - a programme which has followed a group of people as they attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. The fittest of them was struck by altitude sickness and has had to come down the mountain on the last day. It's actually quite scary, even though I know it's possibly enhanced slightly for good tv viewing.
I still haven't given up hope that I might get to do this, added in is the fact that a very good friend has now decided she is definitely doing it too, and I think it would be really great to climb with her.
However, this programme has made me face the reality of what I'm thinking of doing. Only a few days ago it seemed that everyone I met knew someone who had done it or was going to do it and the challenge seemed lessened purely by the number of people I was aware of who had been there, it was almost no big deal.
Now the balance has swung the other way, R and the kids have been watching the programme too - there are serious risks involved, and this isn't a decision just for me to make, and it's not just the time I'll be away, it's very much a family decision...
I suppose for me, it's also partly about turning it around and thinking if it was R who wanted to do it would I be happy for him to, or would I feel strongly enough to try and stop him...
At the end of it all I guess some decisions just need to be shared.
First night back at jewellery and silversmithing nightclass - so good to meet up with people I haven't seen since last term, so good to feel other people's energy, meeting new people, and struck as I am so often, by the unrelated benefit this class has on my life beyond it's stated objective - full of ideas, avenues to be explored, just a great place for pooling thoughts - I'd missed it.
It's that time of year again, we've been gathering conkers from the trees in my parents garden - as yet children are still allowed to play conkers in the playground over here.
Each year similar discussions take place on how to get the best (hardest) conker and to that end we still have some left from last year.
I have to say though that there is a luscious quality about a fresh shiny rich red/brown conker that one stored for a year just doesn't have.
However, that's not the most important thing to the children, so shrivelled, hard ones are better as long as they are winning!
I'm also quite taken now with the idea that they can keep spiders at bay, so I might just keep some of these newly collected ones back for the house!
It's sloe time again - and since we never seem to have the time to search them out and pick our own, a big bag, full, was a most welcome present.
We were introduced to sloe brandy a few years ago and I've wanted to make some ever since.
In fact the whole brewing beer / homemade wine idea rather appeals to me, although I have vague memories of rather unpleasant tasting homebrew from student days and wonder if wine would be equally as dubious....
Still, after an evening of preparation, the sloe brandy is now sitting patiently fermenting, or is it brewing, doing whatever sloes and brandy do, until it is ready to be tasted this winter.
We also have another quantity of sloes left over, waiting to be processed into something tomorrow, as yet undecided...
At the end of today, I am still left with the question that has been haunting my thoughts and tormenting my emotions, wondering at exactly what point does someone's heart become so hardened that it loses its compassion, even to a child - words fail and I suspect there are no answers, but how does someone stop caring or showing care? I've been angry, sad, so many mixed up emotions, I try to rationalise and understand yet I can't - isn't empathy an instinctively human reaction? Perhaps not....
A day off - one whole complete day to do whatever I want - how luxurious, how easy for it to run away, who cares if it does.....
time spent reading and catching up on blogs, but still not enough to get to all I wanted to sit and read properly and comment
should clean the house but am off to the library, which means a trip through town to get there and I'm not sure I'm in enough of a self disciplined frame of mind to avoid the shops
calls to make, a christening to accept, the sun is out and the garden is calling
I'm not used to days off, time to call mine - a dream I've had for far too long
I'm caught in a whirlwind at the moment - with my new job, being a complete novice and learning from scratch. The learning curve is steep, but I'm gaining in confidence, and the team are just wonderful ~ encouraging and reassuring at just the right level. It's great to be back in the hospital, and am loving the variety of people I'm meeting every day.
A weekend away wasn't exactly restful but was good fun and mentally relaxing - I finally got to see the Kandinsky exhibition, was well entertained by the now exhausted Robbie , and spent valuable time catching up with friends, chatting well into the small hours.
The change is good
Pride and self confidence are the two words resonating through my brain, from an information evening at school last night. They talked about standards of work and achievements too, but that was secondary to developing and maintaining the boys self esteem, which will prepare them for their transition into year seven this time next year.
To me it was reassuring, and was intended to be so to the boys, but instead, it was the trigger for R to tell us his concerns about the move to big school.
Back in his reception year R was bullied, but it wasn't until mid way through year one that it became so persistent and damaging that we moved schools. In a very short space of time we saw such huge changes, children were kind, wanted to play, wanted to be friends. Somewhere between six months to a year, we had a happy smiling child back again.
A year and a half later the children who bullied him in infant school, followed him to junior school, but mentally stronger, and secure within his own friendship groups, he was able to stand up to them and then walk away - it's been a long time now since they even tried to pick on him, something he has achieved, non-agressively, by himself.
He has learnt so much about handling his own emotions, and his response to others. We have watched him grow in confidence as a person, with a fantastic group of friends around him. He has been totally transformed, and at times it is hard to see the child he used to be.
Yet sometimes we get a real glimpse, that barely hidden, just under the surface, are all those feelings he had back then.
Last night was one of those glimpses.
Self esteem and self confidence go hand in hand, but helping them grow needs constant nurturing.
They are so powerful, and yet so incredibly fragile too.
I'm pleased it was the focus of the meeting - it would appear to me that perhaps it's one of the biggest gifts we can strive to help our children develop, yet possibly one of the hardest to bolster once it has been shaken.
A few days ago in our relatively quiet community a 21 year old was stabbed and died,
I hear of another young man killled in a motorbike accident,
I pass the hospice,
Walk through old familiar territory in hospital
Hear of a family friend who had a heart attack during the summer, now recovering back home after surgery in London.
I hear of families who are grieving, and children who have lost parents,
I watch stories about September 11th on tv.
It hurts, people are hurting.....
For now, I have my family, my children ~ oh so precious ~ last night I hugged them extra tightly and prayed as they fell asleep.
prayed for their lives to be as full of life as possible, and, for me, I vowed to make each moment count, and to cherish all that is given to me. Sometimes it seems thats all we can do.
Sometimes I can't help thinking it's better to keep quiet ~ earlier today I visited the occupational health department for my pre employment check of immunisations, height, weight etc
I am not sure exactly why, but the focus for today was sight.......
I have good reason for having a phobia of sight tests based on an experience when I was six or seven. It's not something that has a marked impact on my life, and I can overcome it if needed.
However, as these tests were going on for some time - I'm really not sure of the rationale behind them in this situation - I mentioned this wasn't my most favourite thing
The response to finding this out was.... perhaps I'd like some counselling to help me.....?
what ensued was, him trying to make me take a piece of paper with numbers on it, me refusing and passing it back, him pushing it towards me, me saying no, him saying why not, me saying I didn't need counselling for it, me explaining that anyone who needed to, knew, including the optician, him insisting I should...
eventually I thanked him, said I knew he had the information if I ever needed it and made my exit
I wonder, had I said I was scared of spiders or needles or something more common, if he'd have advocated counselling?
Why do people impose themselves on others? I wasn't that concerned until he started making a big fuss about it.
What's wrong with just accepting people for who they are, with their insecurities, their stories and backgrounds, their vulnerabilities - why try to rock the boat of someone who is coping?
And what is it with this obsession with counselling? It's not that I can't see it's value, I can, very much so, but just not for every possible situation - I struggled to get adequate one to one support for bereaved children I was caring for, and he is trying to force counsellor time onto someone who doesn't want it....
it doesn't make sense...
R and R just arrived home after a friend invited them fishing....
Little R has always hated anything to do with fish, but it's cool to go fishing - right????
He has seen fish being caught and lines baited and been a part of the whole male fishing experience, including having to pee over the side, no time to indulge any phobia/dislike of any degree - and actually seems to have quite enjoyed the experience ~ it just remains for me to decide how to handle the next time we go past the fish market...
ps: and please don't ask how big the one they caught is !
Nature's cheeky - Probably no more than two months ago this tree, which I helped my Dad plant about 30 years ago, split in two - it wasn't overly windy, it just happened.
He then decided to fell the other half as it was wobbling, but decided to do it himself - we wish he'd asked for help, but we all take risks we shouldn't. As the other half fell he started to run away from it and slipped.
Fortunately, the tree fell the other way and he is still here to tell the tale. If it had fallen on him he would almost certainly not be. The stump was turned into a seat - a peaceful place to absorb nature in their garden.
I had to smile when I visited to find it happily sprouting away - the amount it has grown in such a short time is incredible!
On the life / death continuum it doesn't get more important than resuscitation. The final day of induction required us all to update our skills before taking up our posts around the hospitals. However, far from being dull, there was a lot of humour, much laughter along the way and a bag full of learning taking place.
It's been quite some time since I was involved in resuscitation, but a complimentary comment on my technique - well practised over the years, made me yearn for something - rekindled a desire to use these skills again.
I've spent a fair amount of time since, thinking about those people whose lives touched mine as we tried to bring them back to life - there were some success stories along the way, but sadly far more who, try as we may, just didn't make it.
The little girl, completely perfect, bar a single stab wound to her chest, who, after a very long failed attempt, I carefully dressed in a night dress from the children's ward - her father made the call - he claimed it was him who killled her
I wonder about her life even now, 18 years on
The heroin addict who, once resuscitated, was furious with us for wasting and reversing his hard spent drugs
The unknown child brought in from a house littered with used needles
The elderly unkempt man with thousands of pounds on him
and the leather clad biker who had sped off after an argument with his family
many more come to mind - those who had taken overdoses - a cry for help gone wrong or had they meant it?
the teenager bleeding from every orifice - oozing blood from eyes and skin, burning up from the inside out - washing out her stomach with ice in a futile attempt to save a young life - all for the sake of an ecstacy tablet
and the frail old lady whose family just couldn't believe she could die
It took me back. It's important for me to feel that we gave it our best shot - I know the whole team were affected by these people - but sometimes our best just isn't good enough - sometimes we don't get the results we want
but sometimes lives are saved, or rather, prolonged - it's not about playing at being god - it's about helping give people another chance
It was about not writing someone off just because they weren't breathing and their heart had stopped - it was about the ultimate hope and belief - and knowledge - that sometimes the seemingly impossible could happen if we only tried, yet without trying, the outcome was inevitable.
So with that reminder ringing in my ears we completed our induction and were sent on our way
The return to semi regular exercise feels good, and tonight I was persuaded by a friend to try body balance - a blended version of yoga and tai chi to music - not as peaceful or meditative as yoga, but I'm somewhat stretched all the same, and no doubt will feel it tomorrow.
Normally I exercise on my own, but on recent gym trips I have met up with J and it's much more fun - nothing quite like a good work out to destress and calm, and a bonus if I get to catch up on news I've missed.
People are still asking /semi expecting me to provide what I did in my previous job - more requests today.
For very simple reasons I can't, yet there is no local service for these people any more. Helpless frustration, tinged with guilt, surrounds this, yet I know I tried all the options open before I left, plus I now have a new job I need to concentrate on.
In many ways, the service offered by this charity had grown to such an extent, it was no longer viewed as a charity but more as a statutory service. It's no wonder there is still an expectation from people, and a disbelief that it's disappeared.
I am reminded that we are all on a journey, and recovery is a process, that I slip but there are people to catch me.... and I am thankful for this reminder
Now aching muscles need sleep....
News brought home from school, not just of their first days adventures but of someone they thought of as really cool.
They talk as if they knew him, are taken aback at news they hadn't expected, feel sad, yet marvel at his adventures and that he had really lived but that he chose to live dangerously too .
I was in my cocoon of induction before I can actually start my job - so I had to catch up on life news later. A wealth of characters or maybe animated caricatures would best describe the day, from the ever so jolly to the dullest way to impart the dullest information.... strangely I have gained slightly in knowledge so perhaps I was more engaged than I thought.
The challenge of acquiring a uniform to fit, as opposed to a sack, was achieved ( no mean feat from the linen rooms of hospitals), an escape made for lunch and then home to a Birthday teaparty for R at the end of the day.
Many phone calls later and we find some peace and time to reflect and relax
It feels good.
We step it up with manual handling and fire lectures tomorrow!!
Its a new year, a new term tomorrow, a new job for me, a new start.....
The relaxed freedom of the summer holiday is over and everything signals the change that that brings about..... early starts, alarm clocks, uniforms all neatly labelled, lessons, bells, clubs, activities, then before we know it it will be harvest festivals, school productions and Christmas ~ all mapped out.
However, the structure this brings is reassuring ~ their anxieties about leaving the holiday behind and starting a new year with new teachers are balanced with the knowledge that a large part of what lies ahead is familiar.
I'm thankful for this, they know where they are, what the boundaries are, and from this place of security they can explore and stretch those boundaries.
I love the idea that they are free, that we are free, holidays let us truly let our hair down and run wild if we want, do things we wouldn't normally get to do and some of those boundaries get well and truly stretched in the process. Yet a return to what is stable and secure, is grounding and reassuring.
It's not that the party's over, it's a new one beginning, a new cycle.
It feels more like New Year to me than New Year itself - I've never really embraced the whole New Year thing, but September is always filled with new starts, a new resolve, often several, so although a part of me wishes the Summer holidays could carry on for ever and ever ~ running wild and free ~ the start of new possibilities is ahead, which creates both nervousness and excitement at the same time.
We just need to get started
A visit to the Bank manager yesterday proved rather more interesting than merely rethinking our mortgage arrangements!
Earlier in the year I had read about plans for 40 women to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but being focussed on the moon walk I hadn't given it serious thought on a personal level.
Yesterday at the end of our meeting at the bank it was suggested to me that there were places left and would I like to join them.
The reason behind it is to raise awareness of the key signs and symptoms of Ovarian cancer - the prime objective of a relatively new charity, Keysoc.
Information on the expedition is here
It's something I'd love to do - it would be a fantastic challenge but would be beautiful and have a purpose too - it was all discussed with the family and agreed, I was getting very excited at the thought of it, but when I checked with work it looks as if I probably can't go - not this time, not yet, not perhaps for this cause.
The charity looks good though - it's important, and it's message is worth the time to check out.
I wasn't looking for excitement, but who knows what's around the next corner?
Just before our break we visited my parents and I happened to be in my old bedroom - now the guest room. Many of the books on the bookshelves are the same as they were when I was at home, but for some reason one of those old books caught my eye and I realised I had never looked inside it, it was so familiar I hardly gave it a second glance.
Hidden in full view was "Mister God this is Anna"
Since I started reading it I've been totally absorbed by it - it is the most wonderful book I've read in years and years. The relationship of this small girl with Mister God, her thoughts and questionings, discoveries and ideas has made me think and look at things at a new angle - there are far too many special parts to single out one or a few even.
I'm probably very slow on picking up this book - the fact it sat for 30 years (mainly I think because it had the word God in the title) without me reading it says that- but it really is a 'wow' book, and for anyone who hasn't read it, it's worth it - or I think it is anway.
"The diffrense from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside" Anna aged 6
