Stained glass candle holder S made for her nativity

The phones have started to buzz with new year messages from friends we can't be with...
I don't 'do' new year usually for various reasons , but this year we will be out at a friends party... the theme is Bond...
and it would appear that James has a new girl - Miss Midnight, who will be getting ready shortly... :)


I liked this, one of those round robin texts, but I liked it...

2008 is at the door...

Remember life is short,

break the rules,

forgive quickly,

kiss slowly,

love truly,

laugh uncontrollably,

and never regret anything that made you smile...

So to everyone who stops by this way...

I wish you all the very best for the New Year...x

new links

New links - mouse and Random acts of reality... partly sentimental - partly keep me in touch with what I feel is important in my life too...
reality, raw and in your face...
that is what I LOVED about A&E - it was real, no pretences, life as it happened, in all it's various forms with all it's grit and grime...
people came, as they were, noone had time to pretend, no time to become anyone else... no time to be institutionalised...
noone really wanted to be there... for any longer than needed anyway...
it was a real privilege to be working in that environment...
a glimpse into the world as it is... where we are...

and thats why I want to say thank you for these blogs...

keeping life real...

Taking time as it comes...

After a family filled Christmas, the opportunity to spend an evening down at the rugby club for one of our good friends Birthdays was welcome, it was lovely to just spend time with people we haven't seen in a while and to have a night out where the children could come too.

An easy evening...

Now we're back home, with music on while R carries on painting a commission that's been waiting for a chance for him to carry on working on it - it's peaceful sitting watching him.

It's been a long while since we just spent an evening drinking, listening to music with R painting alongside me...and chatting...

it's easy to lose time, and a luxury to just let time go...

a gift...

apt that we should be listening to the Beatles too ~ transporting me back to student flats, long evenings and the dawn of first light...

they are singing.... "and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make... "
I wonder...

Hanging on to peace...

At what point is it safe to look back and wonder if we have escaped unscathed? Perhaps it's the moment after we have confidently said it's all gone alright so far!.... Best not speak too soon - there is always, and will always, be room to put ones foot in it...

The peace found at Midnight mass has stayed - strange how peace can descend in a church filled to overflowing, despite all the noise and chaos, and yet there is a still, quiet voice, that speaks personally, and so that being a part of it and yet not, observing from somewhere else, yet being in the present... it speaks to my heart... that peace stays... and with it there is harmony, for a while..

but it's not long before late nights take their toll, and safety mechanisms fail, and peace, and good will seem to lose value and vanish... like the genie in the lamp... the wishes gone...

it is never an easy time and it never gets any easier...
I am aware of, and see others around struggling too.

And on a personal level I do wonder how this magical season, this season of hope will ever really change us...


how hard is it just to be kind?
how hard is it to forgive?
how hard is it to accept and embrace our humaness in others?

Perhaps is it simply all too hard...?

But I honestly can't let myself believe that at all....

Christmas Eve...

Christmas eve....a magical day as a child I seem to remember, and I am reminded of it by my children we played at being Santa's elves delivering to all ends of the island today.

Snippets from our day...

After a couple of false starts we finally made it out of the house to start our deliveries...

My chief elf, obviously bogged down with the responsibility of the task allocated to him, put us all behind by muddling the presents up, so parcels were delivered to the wrong people and had to be retrieved and then redelivered...... I'm certain Santa never has that problem even with all that alcohol on board...

Despite our best efforts we didn't manage to avoid the last minute dash to the chemist to restock on cold and flu remedies, and to find birthday cards for the 26th, but the Salvation Army band playing in the high street made it feel very festive, even in the rush..

The plan is that the kids are hopefully staying up so we can all go to midnight mass... but then we all know about best laid plans...

I'm still looking for the buzz of festive spirit which usually arrives around this time, but it seems to be very elusive this year.... as are cohesive sentences that fit together... hence the snippets...

so really I just wanted to say to those who pop by here

Happy Christmas and a peaceful time to everyone.. xx

Choosing one's own way...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way"

Viktor Frankl

It was one of those odd moments - I had just picked up a book and was reading these words as I idly clicked through my bookmarked blogs...

to read the same words - or some of them at least - on Pip's blog...

Synchronicity, a moment when timing collides, like crossing paths with someone after you've only just met...

when pieces of a jigsaw suddenly fit together...
a message at just the right time...

until half an hour ago I hadn't even heard of Viktor Frankl...

now I've met him twice in a short space of time and his words are etched into my brain...

love it :)

This almost had a photo....

I had so much planned for today...guess thats never the best start...
So little has actually been achieved, but we do seem to have run around for hours in the car, spent a chunk of the day at my parents which was important, persuaded the dentist to give us an emergency apointment for S who was in pain and reluctantly purchased a few items in town for Christmas and Birthdays coming up all too imminently.

Finally, and despite not wanting to go, I ventured back to town where S was supposed to be joining others for Carol singing....but being late we thought we would catch up with them at the first stop. No great surprises that after an hour of loitering on the street corner outside one of our hotels we decided to call it a day and came home... we had no mobile contact numbers, and as S said, I should have gone to the original meeting place, but as we were running late I honestly thought I was being sensible...

The list is still almost as long as it was this morning and I am ready for bed...

The stars and moon were beautiful tonight...

I almost took a photo as we waited for the others to arrive...

street lights and Christmas lights tell stories of the lives behind the house doors...

My daughter told me she would always be with me in my heart and in my head... how does she get that at such a young age?
Am thinking that all those who ever touch our hearts and souls stay with us, both in our hearts, and in our heads... a beautiful thought...

My son fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow... guess thats what you get when you live each waking moment with such energy... he always has...

I missed my friend's daughter on morning television and only realised this evening...

Most of the time I think I'm doing a rubbish job at being a parent... but I try, and somehow thats what my kids seem to see...and I am truly grateful for that...

I never got back to any exercise - today was the day - so am still feeling flabby and lard like...

Am fading fast - the sofa and fire and wine lull me into a soporific state where climbing the stairs is almost too much effort... and I have work tomorrow morning.. early....

Vulnerable...

Even the strongest man is only human...
even my rock who is R...
it made me feel so very vulnerable...
when the pain and sickness that is migraine hit earlier...
and persisted...and persisted...despite all my nursing, and care, and the depths of the medicine cabinet....
and I realised what, or who, I took for granted..
always there...
adding a certain 'je ne sais qoi' to family life...
a certain 'joie de vivre'...
part of the mix...an essential, ingredient
I know I try not to...
but when someone is always there you do get used to them always being there..

today a vital component of this family unit was missing...
and I couldn't sort it
couldn't fix it...
and I tried...
so hard...
but I couldn't...

so, minus children
we graced the 'doctors on call' service with our company,
who in turn made us comfortable in A&E for the best part of four hours..
while they stopped the pain and the sickness...

and diagnosed something else while we were there... love the incidental findings... not...
will have to embrace them tomorrow...

quite possibly the very best doctor I have ever come across though - and I have come across quite a few...
calm, informative, logical, reassuring, obviously competent, friendly, efficient... the list could go on...
just a shame he is a locum and not permanent.

finally we are at home, finding stable ground again... am feeling less vulnerable now...
less scared,
am relieved...

but the truth is
we're only really strong when we're all together...
and we're all much more vulnerable than we think - every one of us.

There were times today I was really, really scared - part imagination, part reality fed the fear...
things I've seen and things I've experienced.
a little knowledge - or a lot - isn't always helpful...

seeing those we think of as strong, suddenly weak, shakes our foundations...
made me think - sometimes it's good to be shaken and disturbed ~
to remember why we need each other in the mix...

Thursday thoughts...

Returning from Town with a new haircut....and the promise that next year I'll do something wild and whacky just to surprise my wonderful hairdresser... am pondering what...

It is a beautiful crisp, cold, clear day, the sand is swept into dunes along the wall, in soft, clean, golden mounds as if it belongs there, not that it has been swept up, swirled around and dumped there from treacherous storms the other evening...

I love that about nature - somehow it always seems to settle and find a new normal....
No doubt someone will be along to move it back where it came from at some point - the dunes are now on the wrong side of the wall... !

Still beautiful...

What I was thinking about though were the birds as I watched them - all along the shoreline. Graceful, wild and free, so much of their beauty tied in with their free spirit...

free spirits, love and beauty... a story about a caged bird somewhere in my memory...
and how much of life is about letting go and the balance between loving and embracing the freedom of spirit, whilst trying to keep hold of it in some tangible way at the same time... and what a difficult, virtually impossible, balance that is...

Prepared for the school disco... since early this morning...
S has just returned, flushed and smiling, happy, a brilliant time had by the sounds of it...
but what of the boy who asked her out... the little darling... ! he's got excellent taste, I give him that... :)
am feeling more than a bit territiorial...
she is beautiful, and anyone would be a fool not to want to go out with her - to spend time having fun with her... can't think of anything more wonderful in the whole world....
but she's my baby, and she's my girl...

so I am relieved that at least for now, she said no, well actually she couldn't make up her mind - it's a genetic problem that one...

she is safely tucked up in bed, as is her brother who has become firmly attached to his mobile since his disco...

Can't work out why I would feel differently about him to her - she certainly knows her mind enough to not be messed around...

however, I am hoping this means we can now spend some time before boys have to enter into the equation, and stir up hormones and feelings more than they already are...

my prayer tonight... x

sky reflections in silver feet

imperfect etched silver feet....
smaller, yet in direct proportion to their feet sizes at the moment...
a footballer, and a dancer...

impossible to polish, impossible to photograph...
scratched already and that's before they get to the engravers...
I loved the reflections in them... the ceiling reflections weren't great, or the ones of me trying to stay out of the reflection as I took the photo, but I liked this one of the sky ...

there is something lovely about working on something so personal and it's been fun getting to know my children's feet again in detail...
would have loved to be able to cast them properly...
so many lumps and bumps yet they feel so smooth...
unique and so very, very, different from each other...

Just love the thought of all the adventures those little feet have had, and are going to have, as they grow...

Thanks for the medicine Mouse...

So many things I should be doing... what with Christmas round the corner and family birthdays, and the wood for the cupboard doors I am making having just been delivered...

instead, courtesy of recently discovered mousie's, direction to impacted nurse and a free ebook, I have been laughing out loud...

hospital humour... truly good for the soul... much needed laughter...

In some ways like a squirrel gathering nuts...

another item for advent - a calendar...

being needed and being wanted....

I was looking at a photo of the two children when they were perhaps two and three, cuddly and chubby sitting in their pyjamas on the kitchen floor, hair ruffled by sleep, big eyes and soft warm skin asking to be picked up and kissed....
and they would have been happy for that until they wriggled away.

R is off sick again today... this bug is virulent... he wants to be here, needs to be here .. and wants to be close ... just like he did when he was small...
work outside the home wasn't feasible at all then because I was needed here...

needed and wanted....
and I wonder how we know we've done a good job - how on earth do you tell? My Dad always says you can only ever do your best... but what if your best isn't good enough..or it's slightly off course... best intentions and all that, but got it wrong...?
and then we have a friend whose Mum had said that the biggest thing you can give your children is your time...while they want it...and I think perhaps thats true.


being needed and being wanted... those two things that make us feel valued...
perhaps thats the real fear of letting go of them as they grow up - that they aren't going to need us or want us any more...
I'm guessing that they possibly won't always need us...
but I hope I'm always wanted.

Perhaps not being needed or wanted is a fear within all of us, regardless of children,
perhaps being needed and being wanted are in themselves needs... and as we let go in one area we search to fill the gap that is left...

a juggling act of needing and wanting - of getting our fix of feeling worthwhile, of being cared for and loved - all things that have to be given freely and that can't be forced or manipulated...

but that start by us caring and loving and giving and trusting, and hoping that our best is in fact good enough - because it has to be... it's all we have...

just ponderings as I look for somewhere else to hang this photo so we actually get to see it more often.

practicing for later...

Thanks for the link to this poem Jayne .
I have looked for it for a while and hadn't found it.

Hope you don't mind me borrowing it... :) x

WARNING
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

Fridays...

After school on fridays we head home for half an hour and then S and I make our way out to swimming.
Now swimming isn't one of my most favourite activities, although I have found the monotony of swimming lengths alone, in a calm pool quite peaceful and meditative in the past, but generally it's not my cup of tea... lots of things put me off the whole experience, but I know it's important that the children learn how to swim well, and so we go.

I watch for a while and I know I should be a more dedicated parent, but it is possibly the longest predictable half an hour of the week... unless there is someone to talk to, or I can lose myself in a book...
then after we've done the whole shower, dried, dressed and hair sorted routine which takes another half an hour minimum!, we travel onwards to dancing and more hanging around until three hours later we end up back at home.
The whole evening is, at best, tediously drawn out...

It's fair to say I'm not at my best on a friday evening.

However, this friday I watched S for a bit, and then sat watching the other parents taking an avid interest in their childrens swimming lesson - they were either enjoying it, or being far more gracious about it than I am - and I became aware, that in the not too distant future, when we no longer do this, it'll be a part of life I'll miss.

This part of life that I don't really enjoy...
even this is special, and should be treasured...
this time, is time we can't get back,
these things add up to the whole picture,
and perhaps even the things that aren't as enjoyable in life are still worth appreciating for what they are...

It gave me a slightly different perspective anyway...

so we'll see if next week is any the easier for those thoughts...

4.20pm today....

on the way home from school... S took this photo - we went to see if our pebble footprints were still there.. no surprises that they had been washed away.
We also went to clear our heads in the space between day and evening, after school and before homework, to break the intensity and take five...

the sky is rarely less than spectacular no matter when you look at it... one of those amazing mysteries that keeps us pondering.... light and dark, reflections and moods... full of beauty and expression... the unknown...
no wonder it enticed man to want to explore it searching for what lay beyond... and to dream...

and then, literally just behind us, in a totally different, contrasting scene, the moon was already up!




By the time we had arrived back home the scene had changed, the light had dimmed and we carried on with our evening activities... just a memory, bar the photos.... fleeting.... it would be sad, if it wasn't for the promise that the dawn will bring with it yet more beauty....
am pleased we stopped to absorb...

Keeping out of mischief...

There has to be more to life than working - that is until I find myself in a job doing the things I love again, things that matter to me...
so aside from work I've been keeping myself out of mischief...

nearly all the Christmas cards are made and soon I'll feel kindly enough towards them again to consider writing them... for years I have promised myself I'l be more organised and maybe even write properly to some people I never get around to writing to....

not sure how far resources will stretch to presents this year - we're also looking at R junior having seven teeth out under general anaesthetic before Christmas which makes me feel incredibly responsible, scared and stony broke in anticipation (orthodontic work has to be done privately and is costly, but makes long term sense as it's functional and not cosmetic ) ....
I'm not liking the number of times I am tempted to blog about dentists... must mean they have far more of a presence in my life than I'd like...

we've been busy collecting corks from friends and restaurants for a cork board which is about a third of the way finished and looking good,

there's been more playing on the beach time - at the weekend we took the children down and made long lines of footprints across the beach in pebbles... which got me thinking about words and how words find you at the right times sometime... books and poems that speak to one person at a particular time... I remember how much comfort my Mum got from the footprints verse years ago and likewise there are words that mean lots to me and doubtless everyone has things that mean something to them...
what makes us race through somebooks and yet others can drag on for ever...?
lately I've been racing, absorbing words and thoughts and feelings...

the garden is calling as is the ironing pile... and domestic chores wait patiently... far too much like work really...

Nature's lace...

treasure at the edge of the path...

The wonder of nature has always amazed me, such detail and intricacy, and as long as noone tramples it, it will only get more beautiful and fragile... .

Peace every day...

peaceful reflections of town

It's been too long without photos...

Right now life has been full of family stuff... time taken up over the past weeks with aunts and uncles who have been over visiting. Somehow it always sends my head into a spin, it fills up until it's about to burst, I stop being able to think logically and because you can't please everyone I end up pleasing noone.
Somehow it's all too easy to fall short of the expectations other people have of you, aswell as keeping up with the important bits in our lives - the kids and R and all the related activities and evening classes.

Seems that even when we're too tired or the brain is too full to think, there is still a capacity to feel and life has been full of feelings...

childhood feelings and adult feelings, and hundreds of different feelings, all mixed up together... till it's hard to say how you feel, because you just feel.... and to untangle them all sometimes seems almost pointless, because they change so often, and maybe just to go with the flow... focus on what can be done, and hope they untangle on their own, is all we can do...

So often food and meals have helped... even the good old cup of tea comes to the rescue.... an answer to many things... offerings of food and drink, time and company, are healing I guess....

so I'm off to shop and cook in anticipation of family visitors tomorrow...
and to search out peace in the every day...

Testosterone and stardust

He was cute, flirtatious, fun and had the most gorgeous blue eyes.... a passing encounter that lifted the day, made me walk taller and lighter, and couldn't help but make me smile... even now....

It's good when something / someone makes the world sparkle...

And so onwards to home...

and preadolescent emotional outbursts creating havoc, which send me to calm down, and try to find a reason, some explanation, for the erratic, illogical workings, of an eleven year old boy's brain...

Steve Biddulph tells me that somewhere between the ages of eleven and thirteen, testosterone levels will increase by over eight hundred percent. This results in sudden growth, and as a consequence the nervous system has to almost rewire itself.
Whats more, this reorganisation of the brain makes boys dopey and disorganised for many months and parents have to act as a substitute brain for a while.

He says far more than this - and all the time I'm nodding in agreement with virtually every word...

In fact he sounds about spot on... although I fear we may have a whole lot more to come... but perhaps I'll be so used to it by then I'll relax and it'll just wash over me...
Steve reassures me that by his mid twenties things settle down....! so we have a long time to enjoy this hormonal roller coaster....

A cunning little hormone - powerful and seductive... should come with a public health warning...
at work in two very different ways ~ in one still grappling with it, yet to be tamed, and channelled, understood and calmed, and in another, working at it's very best...
bringing magical stardust to the world....

It survived...

Shamefully it has taken until today for us all to go on a family bike ride since S passed her cycling proficiency before the Summer - there were so many things we wanted and planned to do - and only ever achieved a fraction of them...

However, we landed up for an icecream at the beach we were at the other day...and just for fun searched to see what, if anything, remained of our art work...

seems not only has it survived the tide and sea, but someone else has found it and progressed it... the children loved it - I loved it... time for another photo - though only my phone with me to take it...

and time to add more ourselves...

aswell as starting a race to the sea in stones...R told me the tide was coming in - in fact it was on it's way out and we couldn't work fast enough to catch it without us all joining in....

interesting people's reactions - we had been putting stones in place for a while when a toddler came and took one from higher up. The lady with him was so apologetic, making him put it back and almost telling him off... we were only playing - a game almost - it wasn't important - yet somehow like a sandcastle, this line of stones had taken on an importance beyond what it was...

I wonder how long it will stay, will anyone add to it, will I see it grow or will it just return to the sea and the beach...

Don't tell me....

Please don't tell me that I grieve too much
And I won't tell you that you grieve too much
Please don't tell me that I grieve too little
And I won't tell you that you grieve too little
Please don't tell me that I grieve in the wrong place
And I won't tell you that you grieve in the wrong place
Please don't tell me that I grieve at the wrong time
And I won't tell you that you grieve at the wrong time
Please don't tell me that I grieve in the wrong way
And I won't tell you that you grieve in the wrong way

I may get it wrong
I will get it wrong
I have got it wrong
But please please don't tell me.

by Michael Rosen (adapted)

Some days, some times, not necessarily grief related, I just want to shout this from the rooftops...
things happen, we all have things, some of them in the past, some going on now, that we deal with, daily, or don't deal with.
Things we try to forget, try to put aside, to live life for today ~ in the moment.
We all try our best, and struggle... in so many areas of life.
We all get it wrong, but do we always need to be told...?

We do all get it wrong... but NO, we don't need to be told - chances are we already know.... or if not we'll work it out soon enough without needing someone to point it out...

Half term, holidays, yet more dentists, still there's jobs to do...

if life could go on hold.. but it can't it won't...

and then I think - perhaps it should, perhaps it can.. perhaps I can make it... perhaps I am so caught up with what needs, and should, and has to happen...
all I would do if the kids were at school - but they're not - and that maybe we should just forget everything that's sitting there and go out and have fun... do something, anything... how many people wish they could live by the beach.. could just pop down to the ocean when they feel like it?

How easily I can slip into a mind set of doing what needs to be done and being all the things I promised myself I wouldn't be when I got older - and I have to shake myself and remember why I had said I didn't want to be like that when I was a Mum - why I wanted to stay spontaneous and fun, and sod the things that can and will wait - while I enjoy the holidays - remember what it really felt like to be on the FIRST day of the holiday... it's their's why not make it mine too?
Getting to a point where I can have the same free time as them on their holidays has taken much thought and effort and now finally I can choose to live it if I want to...

so, snatched moments from today as we headed out...

And so the day progressed...

The morning was off to a brilliant start.... the sky was beautiful and the world was glowing...

I spent the morning at work and then made my way back home.
Time for a cup of tea and contemplate what to do with the rest of the afternoon until I had to collect the children... It felt unusually relaxed and peaceful for a weekday... it being Tuesday...

so I was thinking "what do I usually do on Tuesdays?" I don't usually have time to come home and drink tea...
I usually go to Yoga straight from work...
which was when I remembered that this week I had cancelled Yoga because of my son's Harvest Festival... which started at 2pm...
and the time at that exact moment was...2pm...

Ok so I'd miss most of it, but at least I could still be there to collect him at the end...

I arrive and as usual there is nowhere to park, so I leave the car at daughter's school and take the path round the back to appear less blatant about it... get to the church, say hello to the head teacher from the junior school and sit in a seat just at the back...
Just as I sit down everyone else starts to stand up...and I've missed it...

There was a moment of realisation that I could only see quite small boys...
and then I was wondering...as I registered that in fact they were ALL small boys...there were NO bigger ones...and the people I knew who were there all have at least one child in the junior school... but R is now in senior school... we left this behind last year...

Yes, I had both just made it to, and missed, the wrong Harvest Festival, and missed Yoga... much to the general amusement of my friends who were at the right Harvest festival....and very keen to point out the fact!!

there was nothing for it but to go out for tea and wait until it was time to collect S from school...

and hope my brain made it's way home from wherever I left it that morning... presumably lost looking at the sky!

Relief

Initial appearances can be deceptive...
and sometimes we are granted a lucky escape..
today was one of those times -

I thought I wanted it after the interview... till later that night when questions started to arise from information not disclosed until half way through the interview....
and questions have continued to surface like bubbles during the week, while I waited to hear - they said they were interviewing in odd lunch hours...

there were sufficient question marks for me to be concerned about what I would say if I was actually offered the job...

Call me old fashioned but I was brought up to think, and experience would lead me to believe, that it is only courteous to let applicants know by telephone if they have been successful or not...

so I took a mental step back when I found an e mail tonight telling me they had offered it to someone else - apparently a standard e mail in which they had even got my name wrong...

the equivalent I guess of being dumped by text...

rejection is never easy... but that aside, my inner feeling is one of relief... and of a whole heap of positives...

how come charities that deal with people, look after people, communicate and promote and aim to facillitate communication... are so bad at it...? Last time I found this out I was in the middle of working for one, and was hurt terribly in the process...

An interesting and worthwhile avenue to explore...however, inner feelings have to be listened to....
I've never been rejected by a prospective employer before...
which is strange for me...
my heart wasn't in it totally...
but failure doesn't come easy...
so relief wasn't the feeling I expected..

odd how things work out....

in essence the day is good...

One day, every four weeks or so, it is predictable that I would be kinder to myself and to anyone who wanders, either by intent or by chance into my world, if I just stayed huddled inside, preferably under the duvet with a good book or a good film and a constant supply of hot drinks and something warm to cuddle...

On this particular day.... it is possibly not the wisest thing to sandwich a job interview, for a job I have now decided I really would like, and would I think, find challenging and rewarding, inbetween two other exciting and productive meetings, which in itself requires a degree of mental dexterity which is lacking today more than most....

However, should I choose to focus on the upside of the meetings, which were exciting,
and that S has her photo in the local paper for her swimming at the weekend, albeit with the wrong name under it,
and that we now appear to have what I assume are tits in our box - I only saw a tail earlier, but it made me stupidly happy to think they would make a home in our box..

I would see that the day is actually quite good....

it doesn't earn me any money, and has generated lots more work in the process.... but given the fact there was little I could have done to organise things differently, it is possibly an appropriate time for that quite irritating phrase "Que Sera Sera"

* I thought it an odd time to see birds go into the box - it would seem they were only popping in and out...perhaps they check their home out for next year in advance...I'm hoping anyway :) *

Just thoughts...

Several things combined today, and initially but not solely, prompted by a beautiful e mail from one of my best friends who I haven't talked to or seen for some time, left me thinking how
a little kindness, or even just niceness,
and a little communication
can drastically change one's perspective on life...

It really isn't the big things at all...

Indulgence

Anticipation only made the desire stronger... however, my patience was rewarded and I eventually made it to town to find the boots were still there...
but not before I had spotted some other, higher, all black, leather boots that called out and asked to be bought - they are perhaps, though I'm sure I can work on it, a little impractical, but sometimes desire deserves to be indulged, and has to override practicality... a girl deserves at least one pair of 'kinky boots' in her wardrobe that make her walk taller, even if they are bad for your feet!

In fact, starved of shopping for some time now, though I haven't either missed it or had the impulsive urge to, until this week that is, I quickly found my stride... it proved to be a day where most things I tried on both fitted and looked good... and as thats a combination that doesn't often happen, it made perfect sense to take advantage of it.

Some winter shoes, a couple of jumpers and a few tops later, together with both pairs of boots, I made it back to the car just in time to collect S from school - all in all, a good day's work :)

These are the boots that sparked off this trip.... and the photo above is the rather wonderful box they came in....exquisitely packaged... AND they were reduced in the sale....

Right here, right now...

Excited, anxious, nervous, anticipating, buzzing butterflies... 5 words for today... well 5 words right now....
Five words - something Pip made me conscious of... thanks :)

should be rewriting my cv....

want to go to town in case the boots I saw have been sold and I miss out....

R is away playing football today - returns tonight, I hope he had fun, hope he was a part of a team... yesterday he played and the team didn't work - it was a two man team of nine players... I was disheartened, he wasn't. He has so many lovely qualities, and loyalty and understanding are just two of them...

The skip has just arrived, can't wait to get clearing big time...

Back to jewellery class tonight...

Too much going on - life is full again...

I like life being full, I hate asking people for references....
and I really don't enjoy it when it spills over to writing out application forms at gone midnight...
coffee is keeping my numb brain in slow motion, but at least some motion.... Those boots are stupidly becoming more and more important the later it gets...!

A day in pictures...

Today our last ever guests left and we are breathing - not learning to, or trying to, it just happened - the air feels lighter and it's as if we've moved into a new house - the card was a thank you card from them - a lovely way to end this chapter.
Thank yous are relatively rare, which makes it extra special

this lily comes out in the same place every year, all alone, the only break in the overgrown hedge, and every year I miss photographing it because it's hedge cutting time and they get to it before I do...



A familiar scene that tells me I'm nearly home...reassuring, and always beautiful.

It's blowing an absolute hoolie outside and it would seem fair to assume that we have said goodbye to summer and are welcoming winter... first conkers are around and it's almost time for log fires...
The school term is well underway and the nightly struggle to get through three or four homeworks is becoming a part of life. Tonight's music theory was testing for all of us...and brought back long hidden memories - I'd forgotten how hard I found music...

Evenings are filled with football, dancing, night classes, meetings or other after school activities, despite our best efforts to keep them to a minimum...

So, when I have had time for me, I've been busy buying flowers for and spending time with friends, fiddling and getting more familiar with flickr, playing with the new office software for our mac...and my newest distraction...facebook, which is strangely compelling...

It's not that interesting, unless you're me of course... it's just life finding some kind of rhythm after all the change

" In wild places light illuminates beauty"

clouds on the way home

Forces at work, serendipity or something else....the silver lining, the balance of nature...
the right person with the right words, not often I grant you.... but sometimes...
the right book at the right time...

after a day like today which has centered around disappointing test results from the hospital - (not mine), and a whole host of feelings, emotions, criticisms, judgements, fear and pain being unleashed in my direction,
"Beauty ~ the invisible embrace" by John O'Donohue was exactly what I needed to be reading.

To read about beauty in such a way is to rekindle something within me, to reignite and strengthen a belief in the beauty that is around me at all times, and in the beauty, tenderness, care and kindness, that remains hidden from view...

in short, it made me feel so much better

thanks to Paul for the book recommendation

Reality bites..

Busy with work and meetings and after school activities and catching up with people, cooking and having friends round...

Trying to ignore the ear/throat/headache, which probably means I am brewing what half the population seem to have at the moment, and still getting frustrated by the number of avenues that have brick walls at the end of them. Waiting for e mails from people who promise they will, and trying hard to relax and know that it all works out in the end...
patience is hard to come by...

Knowing that money isn't everything, and hanging on to the reality that money isn't really what makes people rich, but still, not having it stops you from doing things you want to do and means we can't always join in with things we'd like to...

reshaping our lives, and creating more of a blank sheet to work with opens up more possibilities and feels right, but also leaves us vulnerable and temporarily without any specific direction...


Our final guests ever arrived into the chalet this afternoon, fitting that they were also one of the first ever guests here back in 1982 when the people who built the chalets still owned them...they brought photos too...
it is the end of an era...

and we're out tonight, to a moulin rouge themed party and need to liven myself up a little before getting into my red petticoated number for what is likely to be a trip down memory lane...

Time to dust off the cobwebs and see if perhaps I can do more than just the Can-Can!!

Tagged again...

this time by Dana about my reading habits... which vary hugely depending on what else is going on at any one time....

My Reading - Reading is a pleasure and sadly has become one of life's luxuries... a luxury because I disappear into my own world, and the times when I can do that now without causing disruption to the family are limited.
Holidays are precious, in part because I am free to read guilt free, and can read fiction as opposed to books relating to work. Over the years I have read in fits and starts, and as a student, my reading apart from the text books was fairly limited to the Nursing Times and Cosmopolitan magazine.... I was far too busy having fun most of the time to read and too exhausted the rest of the time...
That said, I think if you love reading it never leaves you.
I often have a list of books I want to read and more than one book in progress at any one time.




Total Number of Books Owned - I honestly haven't a clue - we have bookshelves full around the house and boxes of books in the garage and loft that have never been unpacked...
I keep hold of some that are important to me and others I give to charity in an attempt to keep on top of the space issue. I like the idea of books travelling to various places and being shared...I think I'd like that if I were a writer...

Last Book Bought - Beauty The invisible embrace by John O'Donohue

Last Book Read - Mother's milk by Edward St Aubyn

Currently reading - Love in the time of cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, A perfect life by Raffaella Barker, and Anna and the black knight by Fynn

Five Meaningful Books - It's hard because the more I think the more spring to mind, so first thoughts will have to do.... The magic faraway tree was a favourite when I was young and then I remember being especially enthralled by The secret garden

Skallagrigg by William Horwood made an impression somewhere in between the text books and nursing times and is one book I wish I had never lent to anyone...

Rosie Thomas and Maeve Binchy were comforting easy to read fiction authors I would retreat to when life was stressful and I returned home to the safe haven of my childhood bedroom when I was at college.

Then as a parent, so many books have been meaningful - Dr Seuss stands out and is well loved - again several of his have wandered off and had to be reordered... any books that can inspire and nurture the desire for children to read just have to be classed as meaningful...

The Mercy of thin air By Ronlyn Domingue, The lovely bones by Alice Sebold and The five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom are books I haven't been able to put down once I picked them up, though I detect a theme running through them there...

Recently I discovered Mister God this is Anna and wish I had picked it off the shelf earlier.
I have also enjoyed reading Anne Lamott for the first time, sometimes touching raw nerves and stopping me in my tracks... tears can catch you unawares at the most unexpected moments...

Interspersed with the informative and meaningful I like to have the light hearted and easy to read, a rest from thinking and an escape. I think they are valuable too.


I'm not sure who I'm tagging..... it's late and I'm off to bed... if I can make a decision tomorrow I will, but if you'd like to be tagged please consider yourself 'it' :)

Better late than never... it's been a busy few days...
I'm finally tagging

Still one pedestrian Caroline
Journey through grace Jayne
Jeff at Sharp yellow pencil
and Niki

though of course it's only voluntary but I'd love to read your thoughts

Bedtime earlier tonight...

It made my heart beat slower and deeper, and my soul want to reach out and hold him ~ hold them both ~ close to me...

an overwhelming knowing, a rare glimpse of the unquestionable love that just is, total and complete for ever, a moment of transparency, of luminescence....
sat cuddling my son, draped, long limbed, over my lap, even though he is now as tall as me and his feet are way bigger than mine, just before bedtime, on the sofa... the same sofa I would sit and nurse him as a baby in my arms...

sometimes in the chaos there are perfect moments that are beyond my comprehension, I can only wonder at them and where they come from, and be thankful....

The middle name game

I've been tagged by Jayne at Journey Through Grace to play the middle name game. The name of the game is to:

List one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.


I couldn't find anything fancy to decorate my letters with like Jayne, so it'll stay plain and simple...

J could be for jewellery, the girly side of me who likes to make and create and decorate myself, or it could be for juggling everything that needs to be done or attended to every day.

A for Africa, a dream I have had since I was about six to work there, and the reason I wanted to nurse in the first place, or for animals that seem to find us, or that I get roped into looking after whether or not I want to...

N for nosey, curious, always wanting to know more... a quest to fill gaps in my knowledge... or it could be for Nurse... a nosey nurse :)

E for energy, without it I am hopeless, and of which I now have greater reserves thanks to the summer, or extraordinary, ordinary events...the unexpected little things that make every day interesting or exciting and that make me sit up and take notice of the beauty that is around me every day




Ok, so now I'll tag:

Beth at Grace every day

The lovely Mr Tumnus

Rollercoaster Caroline

and Shaz at dare to dream

my wicked side...

dark, dingy, smoky, buzzing, noisy bars, loud music, snakebite, cider and black, ale... whisky and beer, real, earthy, let it all out, life is for living atmosphere....

pubs and bars I remember from a few years ago now...
real "what if my mother could see me now" moments.... yet being so far away she couldn't - and thank god for that.... but hey, life was fun.

it still is, it's just different...

At the gym tonight I scrolled through music to really work out to...

as I turned up the volume on some old guns n' roses I was taken back to those times - it was a tough work out... and it felt good.

tuned into my slightly wicked side... and with R on board too, I am now sporting newly dyed and highlighted hair (helped by R as I couldn't manage the highlights alone) and a temporary painted tattoo... :) if I hit on a design I like then maybe it'll become permanent ~ till then, which is the far more likely option, I'll keep on experimenting.

sometimes I miss those days.. and nights...

oh and I always wonder what other people are listening to on their ipods at the gym... and what their wicked side is...

Hope you like the new decor - just fancied a change...

bit busy here, will return soon, x

Wish I knew why...

I woke up feeling out of sorts,
nothing terrible wrong in my world,
just not quite right
the stomach ache that stopped me getting to to the gym,
the invite we can't afford to accept,
the friends birthday I'll miss,
feeling sensitive and knowing I shouldn't,
shut out and alone, misunderstood, observing,
seeing the sun shining and not knowing how to join in
losing my direction and not knowing what to do

thinking logically and then dismissing logic
because I don't feel like being logical.
logic makes no sense,
only feelings make sense
and then I don't understand
how a feeling can be blue
but it is...

please don't worry, there's nothing wrong,
not when there are so many other big issues in the world,
even I can see that,
it's just the moon and stars aren't quite aligned today,
severe talkings to, kicks up the bum, shaking myself, not sure any of them would do any good...

some days there's just no accounting for feelings....

I have never been a football supporter as such, but in this house it would be hard to ignore a young lad's passion and enthusiasm for the mighty Liverpool, and so we follow their ups and downs, and cheer and console at appropriate times and strangely I do get drawn in by it all...

So when we heard that Liverpool legends such as Bruce Grobbelaar, John Barnes, Jason McAteer, Ian Rush, Michael Thomas and Gary McAllister and others were coming over to play a local team it was too good an opportunity to miss. Names I do recall from not so long ago...

The date was set for last night and they wanted mascots and people to take part in a penalty competition at half time
I managed to secure tickets, and R was offered the chance both to be a mascot, and to take a penalty...




He came home with a stack of memories and a signed ball from sportsmen who were approachable and fun, who appeared to enjoy their game and last night at least didn't take it too seriously... if Grobbelaar monkeying around on the bars and walking on his hands was anything to go by!

And if and when my attention wandered from the game it was lovely to observe how fit and toned these men still are...

It's that time of year - we've exhausted the plums and the damsons and now we're onto the Bramley apples...or rather the children are...

scrumping from my parents orchard to sell on our hedge - an easy way of supplementing pocket money and having fun too.

I remember planting it with my Dad, along with many other trees when I was about their age, and we would spend many evenings walking round, chatting and looking after them as they grew. Now it's wonderful to see my children playing in their garden, my old playground... and climbing trees that were only a few feet high when we planted them...

now that does kind of make me feel older than I really am....

I was sad to see though, that something seems to be attacking many of the fruit trees and making them very sick, all apart from the bramley that is, which seems to be ok at the moment......
not sure what it is - and my parents are away. I'm sure they know.... just hope it's treatable, it would be very, very, sad to lose the orchard.

A gift

It is so rare, amidst the chaos and bustle of life, I have been granted time to myself.. to do...whatever... whatever I want...

R is at work, the children are at school, I have cleaning and washing and ironing and shopping, oh and then there is gardening and, if I fancied it, decorating to do..and the list goes on and on...

but it seems foolish ( or you could read selfish!) to not use this time, so precious and valuable, so rare, to be still, to please me, to listen to what I want to do... because in a few hours this bubble of tranquility will be shattered when they all come home...

So I have granted myself permission to let myself be - too often we are juggling to fit things in, we make sure all the essentials are done and then there is never time for the extras... today is my day for those extras.. but it still feels like I need permission, a let out clause from the every day chores...

however, with permission granted to myself... I am free to visit a friend, free to browse through the shops and now free to sit and read and catch up with a cup of Earl Grey. Then I have a book I'm wanting to start and some exceedingly nice wine to search out - we borrowed a bottle from my parents yesterday while they are away and I now have a desire to stock up our wine rack and replace their bottle at the same time...

The house is peaceful, it's a gorgeously sunny day, the windows are open and I'm soaking up beautiful music from Sarah Masen "Magic that works" as I type, that arrived a few days ago.

Perhaps it all seems sweeter for the trauma of the past week, I don't know.

A day of grounding, of being still before launching off into life again...

Am thinking that this is what it feels like to stop the world for a while... you wouldn't want it every day, well perhaps just for a while each day... but I do know that I've LOVED every moment of doing and being and choosing exactly how I've spent my precious time today, and I have absolutely no idea when I'll get a chance like this again!

Today brought good news... huge relief but also reeling from the past couple of days and processing where we've been...
bodies change and grow and this was part of it, part of the process...

so we're almost back on the planet again... and steadying ourselves and saying thank you a million times over...

and thank you for your thoughts and prayers...

in other news we also welcome the latest addition to our household...

Houdini the hamster...

the children's present to their Dad for his birthday....nothing quite like buying a present you want yourself for someone else and then sharing it :)

First impressions are that he is a slightly off the wall kind of guy, a bit kamikaze as he flew off the kitchen table at great speed, fortunately landing on the chair - and an expert at escaping - he demolished the carrier box they gave us by the time we arrived home and is very active and busy... with a glint in his eye that spells trouble ahead..

oh and ever so slightly, just a tiny bit, cute...

the adventure starts here...

what a night!

Thanks Jayne for your comment, sorry I had to take the last post down for a need to try and focus on more positive thoughts...

Guess this is just the way life goes....
I was busy typing up a post about R junior's first proper day at school, how well it had gone, how much fun he had had and how he was welcomed by some of the year above as R 'the legend'... I hadn't realised that, although of course we think that highly of him , he had earned such respect, albeit only on the playing field, from his peers and those in the year above him, but I am sure it will make the transition from one school to the next far easier, and for that I am incredibly grateful...
the latin lesson hadn't come to pass thankfully, though we wait for it next week.... the very words amo, amas, amat, or dominus, domine, dominum... bring a certain trepidation with them.....the romans and sextus slaying goodness knows who...
I thought I had escaped the lion's den the first time when I was finally allowed to give it up... now it's time to face it again and I have no reason to suspect that R or S will find it any easier than I did, though admittedly they may...

Most of the day I have spent in distraction mode waiting to find out how the day had been....

and then in the middle of me typing..... the unthinkable........ one of the children reports they have a lump somewhere they shouldn't, we check, it's there... and however hard we try the fear keeps rising...

possibly the worst fear I have ever felt... no, make that certainly...

I have never been so completely and utterly terrified in my life... whilst keeping a calm exterior and being totally logical...

we reassure, we make plans for doctors appointments... with anxiety from the kids because they don't want to ruin their Dad's birthday tomorrow with going to the doctor ( birthday's feature higher on the scale than doctor's appointments in my children's lives..!)
....and I do what I need to... I phone my Dad...

not sure how much sense I make...but I know he's always there...
my Mum is too... but my Dad has the relevant medical knowledge...a blessing and a curse...but that's another story to be written in the history books of our family...

Tonight it is indeed a blessing... the phrase 'rare as hen's teeth' makes an appearance...I sure as hell never want to see any hen's teeth...
but we'll get it checked any way...
words can't take me through tonight really...

am so relieved and yet still so shaken...

it always happens to other people....and then you realise it can happen to you...and it makes me feel so small and scared....

and what is really truly important is right here in front of me...
It's been a tough night...

and tomorrow we will hopefully get the reassurance we need...
not forgetting how good today had been until then...

back to health and back to work...

latest tests confirm that the summer and lots of iron and red wine and good food and some rest have worked their magic and returned the body back to good health...
whoops of joy that the recent surges of energy are not imagined but have their roots in something more physical...
Incredible that such a simple deficiency can make you feel so feeble, and totally wretched, and incompetent at just living, and yet it can be rectified easily by an awareness to detail and a degree of nurturing and caring...

perhaps just caring enough to feed the body, instead of ignoring it's needs and merely relying on it not to give up...


as I face the return to work, so R junior starts at secondary school... am praying his first days are as uneventful as my first day back was today... we try to quell the nerves and anxieties but it's not until we're through it that we know whether they were justified concerns or not...

and so new school shoes are bought and the flip flops are (nearly) put away... signs that lazy days of summer are starting to fade...

So many beautiful words and thoughts, phrases and quotes written in the margins or tucked at the top of blogs I visit regularly that become familiar and are so easy to overlook...
and so many beautiful moments all around, waiting to be lived...


"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out"

I like that...lots...

from Shaz at 'dare to dream'
an inspiration and my newest entry in my sidebar :)

figments of our imagination...

Until I became a parent, I hadn't realised the very fine line between childhood magic and fantasy, and deceit...

Of course there is a F*ther Christm*s...and a t**th fairy...
my husband introduced me to the E*ster b*nny too....!

but once you have made friends with these very real figments of our imagination how do you deal with them....?

There have been times when, as a very tired stand in M*ther Christm*s, I have been very tempted to just leave it up to the real one to sort the presents out...and let me get some decent sleep in the knowledge I will be woken at some unearthly hour anyway... but that seems slightly too risky to be feasible...

and now I am being let down very badly by the t**th fairy for similar reasons...
It would appear that she is seriously shirking her responsibilities and not coming to my rescue as I am now flunking my t**th fairy exams, or more accurately continuous assessment, in spectacular fashion.... good intention doesn't get the job done...neither does sitting watching a film with a very nice bottle of wine and falling into bed without a second thought for the tooth so carefully placed under the pillow...

escape plan A has worked a couple of times in the middle of the night when a distressed child has woken us to say she hasn't been... again... turns out the window has been firmly closed and so obviously she couldn't get in, open the window and by the morning all will be well....

escape plan B is in progress......

how does anyone keep on believing in a fairy who is so bad at her job....?
well this one is fairly sure she has been rumbled... but no one is saying...

she tried not playing for a while, but got told off....
she has considered asking if they still believe but then that would shatter an illusion... and illusion and fantasy and magic are fun.....and it might just leave her exposed as a fraud...
is this a time for confessional moments....
but who says it's just fantasy anyway?

which leaves her sitting nicely in the middle of nowhere.... a guilty fraudster conned by the child in her that can't let go and wants to keep the dream alive.... yet failing miserably ~ it really is quite hard to be a good fairy.... and even harder not to be one at all...

(and whats the betting that some child googles this despite my efforts
- do I need more *'s ?)

*actually looking at the size of those roots in baby teeth, I think the tooth fairy would be pretty mean not to give generously... *

As happens with big days and events, it takes a while for them to sink in, at the time there is so much activity and energy and focus on bringing it all together that it's a buzz.... lived through and experienced, but digested later...

there was a huge amount of excitement from the kids and anticipation, and in the end it's not the float as much as the experience that made the day...

Size was irrelevant... it looked good, and when we had the banner and the kids and they were giving out sweets and stickers, and had decorated t shirts, the inflatable bananas and music accompaniment, we certainly weren't going to be overlooked...

They were proud of their work and rightly so.... involved in every step of the process they claimed it as theirs - which was fantastic... and despite some nerves, they shone....numerous photo opportunities as we went around the arena.. and then onto the night time illuminated parade too...

nerves seemed to have faded by the evening....and together with a carnival like atmosphere they were on a high...

They did in fact win their category and would have won a trophy had it not gone missing, but that didn't seem to matter too much...
A memorable day for all the right reasons...and hopefully remembered by many others, not just by us....

and it never rained... :)

am equally as pleased that the weather has stayed bright for those in my sidebar and others who are away at the greenbelt festival....am certain the weather doesn't make it.... but I'm sure it helps....