What price happiness?

Little things that have made me happy in the past couple of days.
Just before Christmas my beloved, if indeed vintage U2 ipod died...suddenly! This meant all packing had to cease for me to run into the shop whereupon they pronounced that the hard drive had indeed gone to ipod heaven, however, they offer a wonderful replacement service at a fraction of a cost, but due to Christmas and it coming from Amsterdam there would be a delay.
Yesterday I called in to collect my brand new shiny identical pod... and am back to functioning normally with it...yay... good news!

I miss music if it's not around.

I also returned to the gym, and hence have been borrowing other peoples ipods, something odd about having someone elses collection of music in your hands to play with, even though they have been those of my family. It gives an interesting perspective on each of my children somehow.
I grew up without much music, other than radio 2 in the car on the way into school in the mornings with my Dad, and I do wonder what I'd have had on my ipod back then if they had existed.

Getting back to the gym and exercise is starting to take effect, not physically so that you'd notice, but to how I feel, getting back in touch with my body and feeling it working as it should be, pushing it enough to feel my heart and be aware of my breathing, letting the endorphins kick in, as well as time and space and the pleasure of seeing the fit young toned and tanned anonymous skipper/boxer/footballer... who knows who he is...but yesterday he was cycling, and I know I stayed exercising for slightly longer than I would have done because of it, a kind of personal trainer without paying for it :)
(hope I didn't go overboard on that aspect of the gym there...)

Last night we watched the sing along version of Mama Mia with S - and in the comfort of my own home I enjoyed singing along. I enjoyed it far more here than I did at the cinema, and it did have that certain 'feel good' factor.

Today both my children have been out playing with friends. Something I take for granted. Lots I take for granted... I wonder about what price happiness...

I listen to the news, read bits and pieces, not ever as much as I want to,
time is such a governing factor...and yet I find myself reprimanding myself for that, it is a lame excuse most of the time.

just caught up with this pod cast(s)/ video from the trip made to Palestine earlier this year by a group of people from Greenbelt

Bethlehem - somewhere there are no parks or playgrounds...

and yet in the midst of all that is around them they keep hold of hope, hope for a new year better than previous ones.

Worlds apart I sit and pray and ponder and hope for peace...

Thoughts this New Years eve on what I really need to make me happy.

Hope your New Year is peaceful and 2009 is a great year full of magic, awe and wonder, x

Inbetween

Feeling flat, wiped out, jittery, needing to get ready and prepared for next term..
Christmas has meaning for me, new year really hasn't
always feel like this to a degree after Christmas and family birthdays have been and gone and I need to get back into the swing of things again,
it's an odd transitional time I have never liked.
we said we'd go out at new year, a rugby club thing, but right now I'm not so sure...
might just keep my head down and emerge when it's all over :)

merely pondering

"We've come a long way, we really have"
~ a comment made to me by a very good friend late one evening this Christmas.... just made me think

think how far we do go without realising it, until perhaps the years pass and we look back... we could never see the way through at the time, and yet we get through one step at a time and find we are still searching for the way forward...but with more experience and perhaps more hope than before.

It also made me think about the constants in our lives,
the things that give us stability ~
the reassurances.
When we are stumbling we return to that which we know, which we can rely on,
the things we all need in our lives
the bare bones, the rocks, the things and people that won't let us down,
our faith,
our belief

There is a reassurance in things that stay the same ~
in nature,
in the sun rise and sun set,
in the ebb and flow of the tide,
the seasons.

We all need to know who and what we can rely on,
we need something, even one thing, as a constant,
something to steady ourselves on until we can find our feet again.


Just got me thinking, and I was grateful to be sitting with some of mine and sharing food and wine with them at yet another Christmas.

Thankful and thinking

Plans....

I was going to blog but we had a last minute supper invite...
and I was going to reply to all the lovely comments on my last post... ( I appreciate them all - thank you )
we were going to have an early night
the kids were going to catch up on sleep
I was going to watch a movie
start to read my new book...

but instead we were out and had a lovely time
I am tired
the kids are tired
there is no school tomorrow
no work tomorrow
and tomorrow I can lie in and catch up and do all the things I didn't do tonight
because we were out having fun....

laughing and eating and enjoying the holiday with good friends...
the best way to spend a holiday

Seeing through young eyes

After all the excitement and fun,
the stockings and present opening,
the noise and the magic,
after it has all died down and the mess has been mainly cleared away.

I find myself sitting still at the end of Christmas day.
It has been beautiful in so many ways,
in sharing with friends and family, in coincidental meetings,
and in the beauty of small heartfelt gifts.

One inparticular, a precious photo album compiled by my daughter of memories past ~
ones we created, and which now they both share.
Remembering precious times, with love.
My album was instantly a treasured possession.

Sometimes I think children see so much more clearly than we do, without the clutter that comes with adulthood.
They see through the mess and straight to the heart of things.
To care and be cared for, to give and receive love, to be accepted, to forgive
and to be happy just to be together.

I need the reminder occasionally to see through young eyes that haven't yet grown weary of living, that see as they feel, and give importance to the feelings, and that are now old enough to identify and express those feelings.

Today has been simple, uncomplicated and very very lovely....

thankful of the peace
we progress, one step, one day at a time...

there is no other way.

Just a feeling

Today is busy, tomorrow is going to be busier.
Like many we have a lot to navigate around this time of year.
We never know how it's going to pan out,
but year on year we step out
hoping this year will be different,
Hoping to find peace, hope and understanding
and not just open old wounds and hurt again.

some years we make it...

I love the image this gives
It's just a feeling
sent out to many,
for many reasons,
but especially this time of year
When it seems there is nothing we can do,
and all we can do, is be there
hoping and praying, loving and caring
for, and with
each other.

Trusting, and being there,
being here in the moment.

It's just a feeling, a thought,
a wish,
sent out with love.

Just thinking

Just thinking, on all kinds of things, on all the illness I see and hear of around, and on all the sadness and the ripples from people's lives and stories which make this time of year especially hard for many. It's a quiet day here right now, which will change before too long! Just thinking...

U2 - If God will send his angel
Uploaded by Angkor

The best adventure ever

What was your last good read? Or film to watch? What keeps us fascinated and transfixed, what captures our imagination? And what makes life worth living?
Lately I have heard some brilliant stories during evenings or various conversations, humorous, adventures, dramatic risk taking, consequences, close shaves, wild stories of survival. Some perhaps embellished for the moment, but in essence true.
Great fodder for a social evening out.
Real life.
But that's the thing...all the best experiences, all the good stories, are best because of these elements, and mainly involve risks taken, not stories of safety and comfort...

Life is an adventure, by nature I guess... and adventure makes life fun and interesting, we search it out.

If I want it, it makes sense that my children might crave it too.

Yet it still takes courage to wave him goodbye as he goes off on his racing bike to his mates house, have given him the cycle helmet talk and sent a couple of silent prayers upwards as he goes.. pushing the images of people I have nursed in A&E who have had lucky escapes out of my head - sometimes they are just not helpful!

and then when he comes home he tells me he just took a detour into town to see if he could go up and down the big hill a couple of times...wanted to do it on his own and not with his Dad - just to see if he could, in the busy Christmas traffic too...
like rock jumping off the highest rock here in the summer... just 'cos!!
and sleeping out on the common in bivvy bags in the summer...

Am starting to understand this whole thing on a cognitive level, it just takes a whole lot of putting into practise... letting them experience what they want to - what they will do anyway to an extent, whilst keeping faith that they will come home safely.
And then being excited for them and at the stories and adventure whilst quietening the parent in me that will always want to protect, wanting to hear the stories, yet knowing if I'm going to be allowed to hear the 'best' ones I am going to have to keep my nerve and be true to my heart, allow myself to feel the adventure, not the what ifs....

love, protection, freedom, risk, safety, learning to trust in faith...letting them live.
Perhaps it is all about roots and wings, but it feels a whole lot more complex than that.

And I fear it is only the start - the start of being witness to, and part of, two other humans amazing incredible adventure story - mystery, intrigue, drama, I just hope there aren't too many times when I will want to hide behind a cushion, or will those ultimately BE the best bits?

Last week, when I was looking for my PE kit in the cloakroom,
I saw an angel.
She was hovering above the coat hooks, smiling at me
and waving a long white hand.
Her silver wings were trembling
And her golden halo shimmered in the sun.
This morning she was there again,
smiling and shimmering,
Flapping and fluttering,
Waving and trembling.
She looked beautiful.

I told my teacher.
"Miss, there's an angel in the cloakroom."
My teacher gave a little snort."An angel?"
She looked around the cloakroom but the angel had gone.
"Too much television," she sighed.
"Too lively an imagination.
A daydreamer, that's what you are.
Angels indeed! Whatever next?"
She smiled and shook her head,
And then picked up a shining feather
from the floor
And put it in the bin.

Gervase Phinn

Makes me wonder what other things children see that adults write off... how quickly we dismiss their fanciful ideas.. perhaps we should indulge them now and again?...*


One of the lovely things about Christmas shopping is it invariably sees me gravitate towards bookshops and music...
the problem with books is you just have to have a sneak preview before you give it to someone.

Am loving this small book,
"Twinkle twinkle little stars", there are some really lovely stories in it.

* am also thinking that if we only look we will see the marks angels leave. Have come across a couple of very beautiful angels today, disguised as humans... uncanny how that happens!

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.."
Maya Angelou

Thats important.
Learning to say No, and no more
No more to crap
No more to criticism
No more to unasked for judgements
No more giving out all the time into a bottomless pit...
no more tired and lame excuses for damaging behaviour
from anyone...

Time for looking after, for nurturing, for doing what feels good, for being with people who care and love and want to be around... time for protection

everyone has limits, everyone needs time and love and patience and friends,
and unconditional acceptance, warts and all.

sometimes it's time to take responsibility for our own happiness, and maybe sometimes that means saying no to some things, some people.

It's been a crap day, a tear filled frustrating, dismal down day...not aided by painful, swollen joints, and feeling like everything is an enormous effort. I'm back on my iron in case it's partly that too...or it could be just one of those days at the end of one of those weeks.

It's certainly time to conserve energy and resources for a while, spend time with friends and rekindle the fire thats burning rather dimly at the moment...and listen to the inner still voice for a while.

It's time...

"so even if we have to fake it until we make it,
lets give it a shot."
Jen Gray Dec 2008


words that made me think
There are times when faking it is the best we can do, and who says we shouldn't now and again...if it gets us by? One day we might realise we've woken up and we're not faking it any more
perhaps we might realise we were never really faking it after all
perhaps all we have to do is believe

Cheers Jen, lets give it a shot,
I'm in...

When stories come to life

This weekend I saw Inkheart, a most wonderful film, in my book anyhow.





I had tagged along at the invite of a friend to help with their daughters Birthday party. As it turned out the children were incredibly well behaved, and needed no real supervision other than us to be there, leaving us to catch up during the meal beforehand, and then sit in the cinema together afterwards.

I was enthralled and captivated for the whole movie.
It is rare I recommend a film, or a book for that matter... they are so personal, but I completely loved this...

Comfort

Memories
growing up is confusing.
Tonight as my daughter came to me for yet another hug she said to me "I used to fall asleep in your arms"
I told her she still could.
She didn't... didn't have to, didn't need to after then.

What comforting beautiful memories
feels like yesterday
Is wonderful to know she treasures them like I do...

Cold thoughts

the cold virus

Just a thought
How can something so pretty and bright make you feel so rough?
guess it's no consolation that it's so colourful...

Not that I'm being antisocial, but
It can go and play elsewhere
Advice from one teacher in school... wash your hands and don't touch anyone!!

not much fun when party season is upon us though!

The very last bits of coursework are in and done.
I hand delivered the hard copies this morning and finally I have those precious hours to fill with other things. A corner of my brain has been swept clear and there is space at last.

Satisfaction that it is done and a weight lifted, more so than I had thought.

So, in response to Gilly,
Santas beverage of choice.. a tricky one...

Whisky makes him very silly...I am sure of that.. have heard tales :)
so brandy has always been a good option - he has always left the right presents for the right people...

though I have been viewing a couple of recipes we might just have to try..

Mistletoe Mojito courtesy of Scarlet

1 oz. fresh lime juice

1 tbsp. superfine sugar
8 fresh mint leaves
2 oz. white rum (optional)
2 tsp. pomegranate seeds
4 oz. Pomegranate 7 Up
1 mint sprig
1 lime wedge

Pomegranate seeds

1) In a highball glass, muddle lime juice, sugar and mint leaves until sugar is dissolved.

2) Add rum and pomegranate seeds. Btw, the rum is NOT optional. (It's not a mojito without the rum!!)

3) Fill glass with ice and top with Pomegranate 7UP.

Garnish with mint sprig and lime wedge.

Makes 1 mojito...so you may want to double (triple?) the recipe. ; )

Enjoy!

or courtesy of Allie,
egg nog

4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
1 pint whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
3 ounces bourbon
1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
4 egg whites

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until the sugar completely dissolves. Add the milk, cream, bourbon and nutmeg and whisk to combine.

Place the egg whites in a different bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks using the whisk attachment. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.

Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve.

{Makes 6 to 7 cups.}

or even one of these courtesy of Violetsky..

(Bloody) Caesar New Variation

Rim a highball glass with lime and sea salt and fill halfway with ice

Into a cocktail shaker with ice add
1.5 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin,
5 oz Clamato juice, (best with regular Motts to get the full flavour of the Bombay Sapphire)
pinch of cayenne pepper and a pinch of Worcestershire
and ROLL gently to blend.

Strain into a highball glass

Adorn with celery stick, carrot stick, pickled onion, or lime

Sip

Relax

Sip

Relax

But seeing as I haven't a clue who he is or what his prefernce is.. it's a game of chance ;)

It's also time I played along even just once - and I know it's early, but what are rules for...?
Carmi's theme for this week is bright..
as I drove along the coast in the dusk suddenly the sun peeked out from the edges of the cloud, giving a beautiful lining and lit up the whole sky again...if only for a short while.

I have missed playing with my camera while I have been studying - I think it's time to play again :)

Oh and all this week I have been convinced it's friday - which is making it go very slowly...if we could just hurry it along a little please :)

Christmas is coming!

We have the tree but it's not up yet, we have cards but they're not written yet, and some presents, though not many - I also have cooking to do and prepare in advance of the two birthdays that also occur one each side of Christmas.
I have a sick (though not that sick) child and the last essay to complete before tonight's class
There is work to do on a present I was hoping to get finished for Christmas - it won't be, because I don't have a kiln to fire it in - a special silver firing kiln... but I'd like to think it was as close as it could be so it can wing it's way across the ocean in the new year, plus I like to think that at least I was thinking of that person while I was working on it - and if I could have completed it I would.
I also have jewellery I have almost finished mending for a friend for tonight...

My thoughts are in many different places right now.

I took down a post about the calm after the storm (sorry Violetsky, I took your comment with it, but it was much appreciated, thank you) - indeed there have been storms fuelled by teenage angst and hormones and this is just a rocky part of the road. It will improve, of that I am sure. Sometimes we need a storm to experience the calm. I wish it wasn't so, yet today feels easier, is easier. Communication love and acceptance...

Yesterday I felt the blessing of blogging upon me yet again. A card saying I had missed a parcel delivery had me puzzled, although of course it is Christmas and it shouldn't be that strange! However, I was all the more delighted and taken quite aback by a gorgeous book sent all the way from my beautiful friend Jayne. An author she had mentioned to me during a conversation we had had while we sat across our desks on different sides of the world while we shared a drink...oh the absolute magic of ichat video links...
The connections from blogging have to be the very best bit about it all. Thank you Jayne, x

And then we had our first carol service last night - thoughtful, thought provoking and uplifting too. As much as I love some aspects of Christmas it is always a stressful time and thre is so much sadness aswell as so much joy around and I find it hard sometimes to reconcile the two.

In fact I don't think I do, and images of Bethlehem and Palestine brought back by friends on their recent trip there also infiltrated my thoughts last night as we sang.


Yet still I know Santa won't come down the chimney unless I prepare for him!

and there is the decision to make about what his favourite drink is this year...

Well you've got to be prepared for all eventualities :)

Our best bits..

Today I looked down at the start of a class and saw the most incredible pair of eyes looking back at me, wide and blue, fixated, waiting intently, and listening. It was the start of a lovely class.
A class where yet again the class teacher was surprised at the end to see how much the children had learned, and in which the children themselves were surprised and proud.

The very best bit of what I am doing now, and the reason why I wanted to somehow get back to doing it in some form, is seeing children suddenly discover that they can do something and do it well...that sense of pride of achievement in themselves.
I love it when they go out of class shining and happy with themselves, feeling good.

We do things for so many reasons, our desires are often driven by something very deep rooted in us.
If children believe they can, then they often can and will, and nurturing that sense of self belief stems from something deep in me.

It got me thinking about our best bits.
What are your best bits?

Truth is, it's so easy to only hear about the less favourable sides of ourselves and to believe in them, and easy to forget, or not to focus on, our strengths.

It is so easy to end up introverted and negative and down on life and ourselves when all we hear is the tedium of what we should have or could have done more of, or better...

which is why I decided it's time to shake off the winter blues, and give some time to embracing my best bits.

The things I do well, the things other people say I do well, the compliments people pay, the things that make me feel good,
to take them onboard and integrate them into my thinking.
Time to enjoy achievements rather than dwell on downfalls.

Time to enjoy the very best bits of me, just like the reflection in the smiling eyes of a child when they succeed.



oh and I thought it was time for a change of scenery round here too :)

Too tired really for reflection...
it's been a long, long day... am still chilled to the bone, trying to thaw out.
a story of mixed messages, communication hijacked, and then watching the day unfold and having not a shred of influence over how it turned out...laughable in it's absurdity
a project that gradually got smaller and smaller until it was just a few of us selling a few (delicious) fairtrade chocolate things on a stall in the rain, the hot spiced apple juice only really getting going in time for us to pack up at the end. Best not talk about the liquor licence ;)
I ache, have a full day ahead tomorrow and need sleep...

In the middle of all the mixed communication I headed out, and saw this rainbow... caught it just before it disappeared from view...

a long day but fun in all it's bizarreness.

A very special Advent Calendar

What a fantastic idea, and an amazing thing to bring together for advent.
Shame we live too far away to see this....

Beach hut advent calendar

I'll be checking by every day though to see what opens next...

Christopher Robin to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

Oh for such wisdom...

there is a part of Tuesdays right now that I find exceedingly hard. A situation I have no control over, apart from how I choose to react to it.
I thought tonight was going to be the last one, it's not...next week is.
It's nothing physical, but mentally and emotionally very hard, and all my instincts tell me I just want to run away. Sometimes it's better than I think and other times it's not.
There will always be situations we find hard to cope with, and I am usually relatively calm in the face of adversity. However, sometimes courage feels like it has flown away...

I'm frittering time away when I should be working.
Sometimes it's hard to focus beyond what might be.

As a good friend reminded me recently, we should cross our bridges as we come across them, not before....

and who knows, perhaps they'll be good for playing pooh sticks on instead!

New things and old...

It's a new month,
I have a new hair cut,
a new colour,
no matter that it was me experimenting
getting rid of grey,
it's shorter, sassier and makes my head feel lighter and clearer, more purposeful.
old music turned up loud,
memories of amazing cool times
reminds me of people I should make contact with again,
crowded nights in a tent in Herm before we all went our separate ways
a long time ago now!

I am sitting drinking coffee and the chocolate biscuits are open..

a confessional moment ~ guess who forgot the advent calendars this year? yes, I did, and I feel bad about it..

My coursework is nearly completed,
and Christmas shopping nearly started,
which means it's been thought about!

Right now I wish I had better speakers than I do...
oh well, everyone deserves a wish list!

My amazon order arrived today, I opened it all excited, but somehow I got the study notes and not the book...
the problems of online shopping and not checking properly before clicking on buy!
'That'll learn me', so my friend would say :)

"100 years of solitude" will have to wait.. but if anyone wants the study notes, they're here!!


and currently playing,
from a tent in Herm, a long time ago now...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."


oh and red ribbons for World Aids day ~ plenty on facebook, but none spotted round town or anywhere else I have been today... how come?