thoughts, words and feelings

There are thoughts,
there are words,
there are feelings....

sometimes they don't all come together cohesively.

Words lose some of the feelings and thoughts in their construction, and generally seem inadequate.
Feelings that are best expressed without words, but instead with eyes and hearts and touch.

At the moment I am
grateful ~

that life is a journey,
that sometimes - often, and almost always, if we strive, things do turn around, work out..
that perhaps instead of watching with bated breath I can maybe now start to breathe a little easier at the end of what has been the most difficult year of my life so far.

I could have, should have trusted after all... maybe...
yet trusting in the unknown future is so very hard to do.

I am aware that even when things get easier we are never given the respite to fully recover but have to do it 'on the run' when in fact we'd quite like space to sit and do it all properly...

Recovery doesn't happen overnight, although sleep does heal, but the body takes it's time to catch up and we must be patient :)

It really is true that the more you love, the more you care, and so the more you hurt when they do, and the more you feel for and with them ~ how cruel is that?
The price we pay for love.... that we wouldn't be without.

Thoughts, words, feelings... caught up within living... and constantly in colourful flux.

The tree is up, and once again we have hit the festive season. I am aware of the world around me, both on a small scale and far wider, further afield...
I find I get lost in thought, in a place where words often fail, and the heart yearns and hopes.
A tangle of thoughts words and feelings... and hope for so many's unknown future.

head for the skies

It's been a long time since I sat and wrote here,
Movember has been and gone, friends have grown 'taches and shaved them off again in aid of prostate cancer awareness
Motivation and unity have struck me watching this growth across the island, a public display of support and commitment which has made me smile more than a few times and been the cause of at least one double take before I realised what was going on!
All around me people are achieving and making progress.

A few weeks ago our moonwalk group was born for this year ~ 'too hot to trot' made it off the starting blocks and all being well we'll be 'not trotting' around London in May for 26.2 miles overnight.

Motivational moments are contagious ~ reasons to celebrate ~ the small things aswell as the big.
Nourishing the seeds with praise and recognition and encouragement, and watching them grow.
Filing the less fruitful experiences in a separate place ready for archiving at some point...

Some people seem to get trips to the moon now and again, a hand reaches down, grabs theirs and away they go skywards...
We had one of those this week when S was chosen as a finalist for a local art competition, which opened today and is now awaiting the public vote over this month to see who wins. Winning really is secondary to the pride and excitement she felt, and the very real sense of achievement from her work (play) being acknowledged this way.

That rarely happens in such a wonderfully sparkly way. It seems that most of the time we spend motivating one another and ourselves to keep reaching upwards, bouncing on worn but trusty trampolines, yet upwards we go supported by those around us...
that was very much the feeling I came away with from the first group on a course I have just run.

I am humbled by many of the people I come across and their stories and incredible attitude to life.
There is no doubt life throws no end of challenges and difficulties our way, but somehow we always seem to keep bouncing , even when we are tired of it... persistence often pays off (am thinking health care systems and red tape at this point!)

and just maybe the trips to the moon we see around us keep us believing anything and everything really is possible...

Rewards

Rewarded with the glimmer of what may be,
and what lies ahead,
as opposed to looking backwards at what we have left behind.
Rewards for perserverence,
for faith and hope and love.

When suddenly light seeps through and possibility makes an appearance,
When all those never ending tiny steps seem to have made one smallish step in a direction somewhere, anywhere,

and we stretch and bathe in the warmth, as we remember the cold darkness.
Lessons learned,
wiser perhaps, maybe, possibly, we hope...

It's warm, it's bright, it's beautiful...

it's a new beginning..

all over again

The mix

It draws on tenacity,
is determined,
and creatively committed to finding a way forwards...
yet balanced with safe and comfortable,
is stretched and searching.

In another chapter, compassion eats away at heart strings, and asks questions there are no answers to,
the first close friend my age who has been seriously ill,

and sprinkled in between,
the magical fairy dust of friends
of fun, and plans and fantasy,
of music and dreams,
and play.

Sometimes barely perceptible,
sometimes glaringly obvious,
yet always evolving... and not always comfortable,
some would say never...

it happens regardless.

Am feeling it right now...

the life potion that spells

The inevitability
of Growth

Untangling the web - with a little help from my friends

My tangled web of thoughts the past few days ~

It started with the essence of individuality..
as John O'Donohue in his book 'Beauty the invisible embrace', says of a friend of his
"Through the blurred awkward surface the beautiful radiance of his son's soul becomes briefly visible. This view always recalls him to a sense of the hidden eternal light of his child's life"

These were important words when I read them, words I can relate to, and also of the transluscent moment, perhaps when a child is born, when we are maybe granted a pure glimpse of a child's essence. I remember that from my two children as babies - the most beautiful painful and magical moment ever.

what pure magic, what a gift to be given, a glimpse of something that is so elusive.

A gift to hang onto in the darker moments, when the essence is hidden deep below layers of growth and development and uncertainty, as they grapple to find it themselves... and perhaps as a gift for us to reflect back at them when they appear to have lost sight of it.

There is nothing quite like someone reflecting back something you once knew but had forgotten, had lost sight of ~

those lessons we learn in our younger days, and promise ourselves we will never forget, but that instantly go out of our heads and fly far away when we are faced with the reality of a situation we need to use them in... you know the ones when it would really be so helpful if we could just remember them and put them into practice, because of course once upon a time we were going to be cool adults and yet when we reflect back at ourselves what we hear is nowhere near as cool as we'd have liked it to be...
I constantly fail on so many levels, and none more than the cool one!!

Lessons we need to be reminded of now and again, when we really do need to see it as someone else sees it.
When astute friends with clear vision really are a gift, and are there to gently guide us back onto the path, to untangle us from the weeds that have grown along the way.

Maybe, perhaps, even with the best will in the world, it is just us getting older.
Does the wisdom of years rob us of something special we once had?
I feel I am constantly learning from children of all ages.
Are the ideals of youth so foolish, (I don't think so) or is it just we fail to remember because priorities change through life?

Perhaps the web isn't quite as tangled as I'd thought... perhaps it's all about a bit of time travel and xray vision, and friends and love...

Joining the dots

"And as is often the case with faith, I thought I was being asked a favour, when in fact I was being given one"

words that made me stop and think, only a few pages into Mitch Albom's latest book "Have a little Faith", which was one of several gems I gathered at the airport on my way back from a conference this week.
The flycover says :
"It is one man's journey, but it is everyone's story."
I wonder if in essence that is why his books all leave an impression on me long after I have turned the final page. They speak to the universal in all of us.

It would seem that the reading bug has been rekindled of late, a healthy sign I am more than happy to embrace ~ there are far too many times when I can't / don't read and it acts almost like an internal barometer to gauge both internal and external stresses...

Sometimes in life it appears to me we spend our time connecting dots that are already there, sometimes it seems we are waiting for dots to appear, and sometimes we are actually creating dots ourselves.

And then there are times when the dots just don't seem to join up at all... but I believe they will in time, or else they are the bright shining ones that stand alone and serve mainly to illuminate some of the others.

There are so many things going on that I am pleased to have the half term to take the opportunity to kick back, regroup, revive and prepare for the next half, and all being well we can indulge things we can't during term time, follow our hearts and impulses even more than before.

To take time to reflect and see if some of the dots do in fact fit well together ~ I sense they do more than I thought - and that is exciting, like being given a glimpse of what is or maybe to come... hope and possibility that keeps us forging ahead.

and pondering the favours I have been given along the way, even if they didn't appear as such to start with..

The power of Art..

This is incredible - and thanks to Shirley for bringing it to my attention... so powerful...

Tonight

Smiling at synchronicity... when the phone rings at exactly the same time as I pick up my mobile to text...

and feeling that somehow the strings that connect our souls together are really made of elastic.. they stretch and stretch over oceans and continents, and yet they always bounce back to one another...

feeling lots of things, and learning, or trying to learn at least, from far braver, stronger, wiser and very humble humans, who achieve so much without seeming to see that they are... in very difficult circumstances

Thinking about letter writing...with ink and paper, for words to hold close to hearts and keep safe

wishing I could somehow stop the world and rewind, not to replay it again, but just in case I didn't take it in as much as I should or could have at the time - in case I missed a bit... in case I'm missing so much at the moment when I want to absorb it all, and please don't lets hurry the future too much...


wondering about the few words or a thoughtful action(s) that alter how someone sees something or feels about something, the effect we have, that sometimes we don't know until maybe years later, maybe never
and wondering about the connections we make almost unknowingly

and what it means when someone thinks to tell us .... incredible!

and contemplating this long and arduous road ~ even though we've left rough terrain behind, it's the deceptive gradual hill that requires constant energy... and free wheeling can seem a long way off
sometimes it is good to look back and acknowledge that we are not in the same place as we were..
it's easy to forget how far we have come, and only focus on how far we have to go...

perhaps we should reward ourselves more often than we do, if only to encourage ourselves to carry on...?

However, tonight I think rest beckons
and prayers as my children sleep - one here and one in France...

Reality wake up calls

Life is very strange.. it is wonderful and mystical.. interconnected and entwined..with all kinds of wonderful humans all on their own journeys
and somehow they all add to our own journey.
It seems lots of things have been happening lately - there have been a larger number of young deaths than normal which have had an effect on my life - and also some wonderful new connections that have added extra sparkle and depth to my life in a very superficial and yet also very deep and incredibly secure way.. the very best way there can be...
another way of describing friends...they work on all kinds of levels depending on what you need from one another at any given time.

As another beautiful book (Tony Parson's "One for my baby") I am reading says..
"That is the way it starts. You look at someone you have never met before and you recognise them. That's all. You just recognise them. Then it begins."

beginnings and endings..

but along with any ending - if indeed that is what it is - on this planet anyhow..

there comes reflection and learning and sometimes maybe the reality wake up call that is very much needed about how we are living our lives.. about what is important
so many different strands of life existing alongside one another - and yet not always in harmony.
We need the fine tooth comb of life to separate them sometimes.

Tonight as I struggled with one aspect that has been bothering me lately I came across photos and reality from one life lost way too young, which brought me almost to my knees.. and with it a new perspective, a new reality.
Pain and happiness, sorrow and joy.. two sides of the same coin...
we can't really know one unless we have known the other I guess

somewhere there is a hand that guides, and sometimes I am sure these wake up calls are not nearly as random as they seem.. they are there to learn from and serve a very real purpose.. even if that is to keep hope alive and keep us keeping on.
In some way at the moment, that is comforting...

A rough diamond...

A book a friend lent me - not pretty, or beautiful, more harsh and shocking - I guess to a degree, although forewarned is forearmed, so I wasn't expecting anything less!
Real life for some people, an insight into the darker side of a life I have only ever guessed and sometimes patched up when they came my way through the doors of the accident department.

Based in Liverpool, this was written from Kelly's perspective towards the end of the book... in dialect ~

"We wanner stumble blindly and unthinkinly through ar days, strip them of authenticity an light an any real joy an it makes no fuckin sense, no fuckin sense. So fuckin terrified are we of death that we make arselves so ignoble an base an petty an vile an meaningless an shallow that when death finally comes for us, there's precious fuckin little for it to take. An in that way we think we've beaten it. But we haven't, an we don't; because we do nothing of worth, live in no fuckin glories whatsoever an when we're gone it's like we were never bleedin here. We've made no mark in the concrete to prove that we passed this way, that we existed. So we don't defeat death, an we never could; we defeat life. Turn it all colourless an tasteless, bland an insipid an bled dry. We settle for mediocrity an we're perfectly fuckin happy to do so, we can't even imagine anythin else, anythin more. Actions without consequence. Let others tell us what to do, do away with the enormity of thinkin for arselves"

"Can smell the sea now, the river. Salt in me nostrils.....why the fuck aren't we screaming? Standin with ar arms outstretched on the rooves of tall buildings... trying to do somethin, anything, to arrest the withering of ar hearts"

A cry that feels all too familiar from so many - a yearning for more than there is.. a freedom.
It took me back to people I knew and loved, who had nothing, who asked for very little, but who gave so very much...
and made me think about freedom
about how when all we have is time to give
and ourselves, perhaps we are closer to freedom than we think

and perhaps it is that, which is so very beautiful, that shines from them, and drew me close to them...

Ultimately it is what we yearn for, and search for.. and hold onto
life and living,
love,
acceptance,
freedom

a rough diamond of a book that has left me thinking

Just yesterday a new small ball of fluff came into our lives. A new kitten. She is black and white and adorable - as long as you like cats I guess...

she is cute in a slightly imperfect way... she was the last to be chosen, has a mark by her eye and a big smudge under her chin. I like that.
She is full of life and energy, curious, vulnerable, needs caring for and is fiercely independent...she plays and she sleeps, and eats when she needs to refuel...and soaks up love and gives lots out in return

I brought her home - took her away from her Mum...she was scared, I tried to comfort her on the way home, she bit me.. when we got home, she cuddled into me and slept on my lap for over three hours..and I became her best friend - her only friend at that point.. I put her down, she cried, I picked her up again...

R junior came home from playing football with dirty muddy hands, and salty skin - she licked and licked and licked...and fell asleep in the palm of his hand.

We have journeyed a bumpy path since April (and before) and we lost Bramble right at the start of it suddenly and unexpectedly...which had a massive impact on the children.
It was mainly their choice to have another cat. I didn't know how long it would be, or if they would...
they listened to their feelings, and when they said they would really like one, a series of happy coincidences led us to both a new kitten and a new (human) friend.

Observing this change in our house is fascinating and warming.
It's a comforting feeling to have new life around again, but it is also wonderful to watch both children with her, and see them pour love and affection, nurture and care on her...
and to see how she responds and learns
how instinctive she is.. how playful and how in so many ways how she reacts is so similar to how people react.

My yoga teacher asked the other day whether we were kittens or monkeys.. monkeys cling on for dear life and kittens explore and flop out.. I'm not sure I got it 100% as I can think of many arguments against that - however, this kitten does have qualities I can identify with about how we adapt and interact with our environment

Just thoughts as our world evolves here :)
I do have pics but it's late and I must sleep... tomorrow :)

lyrics..

Working, listening to music, and these lyrics kept coming to me...


Sorry for no words of my own here for a while ~ but will be soon, waiting on time and space and some coherency of thought ~ blogging is good for that sometimes :)



How tides control the sea, and what becomes of me
How little things can slip out of your hands
How often people change, not to remain the same
Why things don't always turn out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can't, and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

How infinite is space, and who decides your fate
Why everything will dissolve into sand
How to avoid defeat, when truth and fiction meet
Why nothing ever turns out as you plan

These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

I can , and I can't decide
Wrong, oh my wrong from right
Day, oh my day from night
Or dark, oh my dark from light
I live, but I love this life

"One day, love and friendship met.

Love asked, Why do you exist when I already exist?

Friendship smiled and said, to put a smile where you leave tears"

I don't know who to attribute that to but I read it and loved it.... and felt it was so true.
Life is hectic as ever and am making inroads into the piles of paperwork aswell as getting settled back into term.
Challenges appear out of nowhere, and yet if we knew they were coming perhaps we'd just be more anxious about their imminent arrival instead of meeting them head on as they crop up.
That said, friends are the net which catch us and bounce us back up onto the trapeze when we fall....
they are invaluable :)

anyhow, I liked this quote!

Coming home

coming home
the key in the lock,
a slight breeze,
a voice,
a scent,
a touch,
warm strong arms holding you close
hearts beating, the rhythmic lub dub reassuring,
familiar feelings feeding the senses,
feeling safe.

Safe to breathe, safe to feel, safe to be...

Is home a place?
or a feeling?
a person?
or a state of mind?
It can be a long time coming,
yet coming home is always good...

a gift to be treasured.

NEED WASHING??

Just read this and wanted to share :)

Sometimes We All Need A Little Washing

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in 'Mom let's run through the rain,' she said

'What?' Mom asked.

'Lets run through the rain!' She repeated

'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain,'

'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.

'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'

'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly.. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,' Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories. So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Filtering

'Athlete' playing under a moonlit sky

thoughts and feelings and emotions from the bank holiday weekend that was Greenbelt
while we get back into the swing of things here - school and children's activities and associated stuff.

Yet in the background being processed and having an effect is everything we take from such a life influencing experience... from the things that soothe, to the things that shake you up and make you look outside the box. The affirming and the soul searching. The difficult things and the things that somehow just seem to make sense, out of nowhere somehow.

Music, people, meeting friends, including the very wonderful C and K... aka one pedestrian and good in parts. A real highlight of my festival, thank you both, xx

Much of it is personal, but it is very strange that it's effect is felt far longer than just four days... and even in experiencing aloneness amidst the vastness of the race course, there is a connection to something bigger.. perhaps it lets us dream bigger than we dared.

Just maybe
a glimpse of possibilities
a glimpse of hope
and love and friendship
and the threads of it carry on, regardless, weaving into our lives
which makes it a fairly unique and special place to be.

But, as I said, just filtering...letting it settle and reveal it's true colours once the tiredness has past and we are back into the every day.

Greenbelt 09

A special place, friends, meetings, a magical wonderful half day with a most beautiful person, an incredible thought provoking, fire starting experience..! more on all later... :)
more to come, more to experience...
late nights and the best company
It's special
tired but happy... can't beat it!

Bruised souls

We bruise easily,
and the bruises aren't always seen,
we feel them before they show,
If we are clever we can cover them over so they don't show as much..
a bit of makeup, a smile, a laugh,
but behind those telling eyes lies the real truth

Those who hurt us know what they are doing,
they are only too well aware,
yet others don't always see,
or choose not to.
Even if we tell we may not be believed.

We rarely are.

They who hurt are clever,
and care not for feelings
apart from their own, their own self gratification,
feeding on scraps thrown,
or feast on spoils gained by means more often foul than fair


depending how hard our skin is,
we may not bleed when we fall,
bones may not be broken,
but we will always bruise,
and we will always feel the hurt, the pain
hidden away, under layers of fabric,
out of view, yet very much felt..
the ache and throb of bruised flesh
a soul bleeding into itself

all souls bleed,
all souls bruise,

every time...
and every time we heal,
yet souls never harden to bruises,

it's human,
and it hurts,
yet how many really see?

A blank page

sitting quietly, with a blank page, hundreds of thoughts and moments running through my mind, ideas, concerns, worries, lists, people, places, prayers intertwined, journeys.... friends mid-ocean as I type, lots to filter into some kind of order.. all fill their allocated spaces and jostle for attention.
Nothing that forms any sense to write about. I know I should sleep.
Somehow staring at a blank page, although the ideas and thoughts haven't yet been verbalised, helps to soothe and to settle...
to calm
not all words need to be spoken, nor thoughts expressed, sometimes contemplation is enough
sometimes a blank page is what we need...

or even a thin place where things fall into the wonderful scheme of life somehow...

and we're nearly there

Stepping up a gear and getting ready for time out

some are already there getting it ready, we'll arrive when it's all set up...

starting to get excited now

15 years ago

A hand to hold through the storm...

Noone ever said it was going to be easy, I know that, and some people learn it earlier than others, but we all learn it at some point.

We all need a hand to hold, especially when the storms blow up,
and arms to comfort when we are washed up on the shore.
People who will walk with us on the adventure and encourage us when we get weary, aswell as celebrating all the good things there are around,
someone to take risks with and for.
If we're lucky hopefully we can always look and see at least someone who is there, it might not always be the same face, but someone...


15 years ago we promised to be there for one another, through thick and thin, (or sick and sin). Perhaps anniversaries just make us pause and reflect, on scars and bruises and celebrate the journey so far.
A hand, a safe hand to hold.

And now, looking ahead, taking the next leap into the future wherever that may be.

And raising a glass, because there can never be enough reasons to do that!

Cheers, x

Doing it the french way...

Taking life slow meant sometimes frequenting local cafes.. and some very nice ones too with various art adorning the walls

and perhaps the most plush ladies room I have been to in a cafe,
but then not all loos have been Feng Shui ed!

Perhaps I should consider this at home,
but am not sure I could get it to wash with the kids somehow...

Just made me smile :)

Tales of the unexpected..

Does the world go mad every now and again?

Gets a little more shook up, people become even more erratic than usual, less predictable and more illogical?

When you look out, you see chaos and muddy paths, sometimes left in the wake of unnecessary hurt and pain, and more often than not in the wake of human action or inaction.
And nothing really makes any sense, falls apart under scrutiny.

Or is it that the world is always like this, and just sometimes it is brought closer to home, brought to our attention, to make us sit up and take notice of what's outside our own small and yet significant (to us) lives.

Sometimes is it perhaps a 'wake up call' from the universe, a reminder of how erratic us human creatures really are, or can be, to take us out of our boxes and get caught up in the conundrum of life again?

Whatever it is, lately I've come to start expecting the unexpected ...

and so to bed... :)

Coming Home

You can't come home till you've been away...

the attic hideaway

We're back from a week away, and hopefully some of it will stay with us..
the frame of mind, the peace, the feelings
the time we had to pause and reflect, and comment in the margin of the manuscript of day to day life, to escape and re energise, and to rediscover some of the fun of just being together and playing.

without television, or internet connection (apart from one cafe we frequented on several occassions) and with very intermittent mobile connection, there is little choice, which is good in so many ways.

and so we walked, cycled, and even (almost) or at least practiced our unicycling...one day we'll master the art of it :)

having fun, just being friends, enjoying being around one another,
playing and laughing, appreciating the countryside and the river and all it had to offer.

not sure what the crosses were for - we kept coming across them along the roadside...

free dandelion wishes... :)

“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”

Buddha quote

or a touch
or a presence,
just being there,
just loving.

Today, was long, good, painful, full...
full of huge feelings and emotions,
and full of love...

Love is the only thing that makes any difference to anything
I am more certain of that than ever, as I look back and ponder today,
and I am grateful and fortunate to have been surrounded by people who have cared and who love.

prayers and thoughts go out to the whole family whose baby girl was laid to rest today....

If love could bring her back then she'd be right here, living now...
yet love can merely comfort those who are here living and feeling

Big thoughts, big feelings, and so much love....

time lapse photography is wonderful...

I learned new things about the symbolic meaning of butterflies today...

I like that :)

Untitled....

In a few days I will pay my last respects and say goodbye to a gorgeous beautiful little girl who lived for all of one year in this world... I'm out of words on that front

and so loved this post from James Oh...

life makes no sense at all.. all I know is I have to live it while I am here...

some people manage to do just that...pure inspiration

surfbabe unleashed...

Wow...
I've just been surfing.. not merely playing in the surf, but on a proper board riding those waves...
my very first time... a virgin surf babe.. that came out wrong but you know what I mean!

what an incredible adrenaline rush, the most amazing feeling.. ever...(almost)

it's been a very very long time since I felt like that.

Release the inner you, dig deep and find what makes you come alive...
I think I've got myself a new sport.

all afternoon on my knees.. the next step is to stand up...somehow I just wanted to feel at ease on my knees before I went to the next stage, but boy did it feel good. Noone ever told me how good it was going to be...

me, a board, the waves, the taste and smell and noise of the sea...and pure unadulterated exhileration...

plus, and this was the only reason I was persuaded to give it a go in the first place...

it was my first time ever in a wetsuit... I'd never have realised how much of a difference they made..
Raynauds and lupus forgotten, I was snug and warm almost.

So, that's birthday and Christmas sorted present wise... and if you want to find me, I'll be playing with the surf and surfers... and keeping fit at the same time :)

Am sure that somewhere out there God was not so much hiding as beaming and laughing with me...enjoying the beauty and forcefulness of his creation... the most incredible playground... amazing.

am waiting to start to ache as I realise that two hours is quite a long time to be constantly dragging your board through the surf and pulling yourself up onto it, but it never crossed my mind till afterwards...

In the moment

So, we follow the signs,we listen and we go where our hearts take us, or we go where we will, where we need to go,
paths cross, and conversations take place.

Somehow we know that some of these conversations are important,
they mark a path perhaps for sometime in the future,
we don't know where we are going,
yet somehow we know we are being led, or we are at least going somewhere.

We eat and drink with friends, we share laughter and fun,
experiences,
and sometimes it feels odd to be aware that whilst we are doing just that, we are in fact journeying,
and that while we are enjoying the moment, there is something ahead that beckons

always moving, never standing still, there is always another corner left to turn, with perhaps a surprise waiting beyond it...


( just back from a spontaneous evening with friends (my family) getting passport photos signed, somehow it was a perfect evening...)

Questions

There are many times I question god...however you perceive him/her to be

times when it just doesn't make sense..

how do you ever make sense of the death of a child...?

where is the rhyme or reason?

I see grief, I feel grief, I question, I have no answers, and I feel it all the more...

I think lots of things, and yet, none of it changes anything...

there is a huge, big why...and wishing we could turn back time and make it different...

life's not fair

it brings hurt and pain... and surely it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever...

how do people carry on believing? How do they carry on living?

I wish I knew... I don't think I'd be that strong...

and I surely don't want to find out, not ever....

fun memories...

Ever wondered what lay behind some of the 'modern art' we see around?

me too... ;)

Elvis... is NOT leaving the building....

Huge changes.
A school finally closed.
We had to return today as we will several times this summer to collect and sort various things...
the first time we had been since it finally closed it's doors a week ago.

Inside this now desolate and abandoned building there are years of teaching, of children and their memories, the library, books, desks, work, reminders of lives lived, of the fact that people live inside schools too, they don't leave the outside world behind when they walk in in the morning and collect it on the way out as they leave... it comes in with them, and stays, affects them during the day, colours their view of everything that happens.

Friends, relationships, experiences. Names written ~ some carved on desks and chairs, momentoes left, marking the passage of time, but also of lives, children's lives as they grow and develop.
Important years as they mould into who they are, and find their way.

It was a moving experience in both senses of the word...sad, and sadder in some ways that the last students have had to try and carry on as normal for the past few months while their teachers pack up the school around them. Everything is divided and labelled awaiting transport to it's new resting place at one of the other existing schools...art work that has adorned the walls is now gone, the whole energy of the place has altered.

So, I smiled as I turned the corner up the stairs to see what could only ever be a creation influenced by R... the only piece of art left, and there to stay till the bitter end....

You can take everything from a place or a person, but feelings, emotions and memories can never be erased.

Grounded...

So, it would appear that having others in the spa pool was a distraction for the footballers, and so it was reserved purely for them from then on! C'est la vie!!
However, back home our family is all together under one roof, we are settled together, home in every sense of the word

Growth happens at grass roots level and deeper,
we have been back to grass roots this past week or so,
space and time lets that happen, distance allows for much,
new experiences, perspective, sleep and rest, recouperation, vision (over visibility I wonder?),
sweeping the path in front of us to allow the next steps to take place.

Tonight I'm still on french time, up late, yet contented, brain working overtime and yet overridingly happy, as lots of thoughts cross over one another...
mostly not ones for this page, perhaps.

However,
there was a beautiful, simple church in the village, open all day and all night...a reminder to me of a church whose doors were similarly open years ago and which back then had somehow made me feel less alone without demanding anything, a sense of comfort and refuge.

Tonight I guess I am thankful, I have no real idea of how we ended up washed up on the shore, but somehow we have, and as I look around I am thankful that I still have all those I call family around me...and conscious that we can only ever be thankful for the moments as we have them.
It's back to those grass roots that a dear friend was talking about earlier today.

and from an e mail that came through on my return, words I liked,

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But .... Only Friends ...
Keep You Going !!!

Escape...

We forgot the laptop but arrived in france, and almost immediately we found a slower pace of life, rest, wonderful food, and an amazing bistro where we can eat surrounded by art of all kinds.

Our daughter is safe and enjoying life in Cannes, alongside Roger Moore... lucky girl :) She didn't get his autograph or her photo with him though!
And our son is having a good time at home, which means we are free and can relax and take in the atmosphere and architecture whilst making time for patisseries along the way...

It is amazing how a few details can totally change the feel of a place - shutters on windows and details on roofs, brickwork around doors and windows....it seems they take care over the small things that are so often overlooked.

So I am on the hotel's computer and getting to grips slowly with the continental keyboard, slightly tricky to adjust to... but just felt the desire now I have the time to sit and blog... a luxury, along with time to appreciate our surroundings and capture some of them - photos will have to wait till I am home though.

Today's highlight, or at least one of them, was sharing a rather large spabath with an entire french football team... they were using it to stretch in... and I was, well... I was admiring the view (it did overlook the sea...) and feeling the benefits of the bubbles as they energised my being...I came away feeling very very rested... good for the soul, great therapy! I can recommend it :)

I think I'm getting the hang of this self care thing, life can be good aswell as tough and trying.
So, aurevoir till I return and Bon soir :)
xx
(the french aways do it twice)

"The greatest imperfection is in our inward sight, that is, to be ghosts unto our own eyes"

a quote from Sir Thomas Browne, which marks the beginning of a book I picked up at the airport on my way to one of our neighbouring islands yesterday and which is proving to be an addictive read.

The holidays are here, and with our daughter away in Cannes slumming it in a hotel (and looking every bit the part and far older than her years... hmmmm), the house is extra quiet. Dynamics alter and we get space and time to spend in different ways.

Space and time, our own space and time that is, is incredibly valuable, and yet it can disappear so slowly as to be almost imperceptible, until it is almost nonexistent, by which time we crave something we can barely remember.

I guess that's why to sit and read has felt like such a gift, remembering not so long ago when it felt just too dangerous to sit and read because to do that, to disappear into myself for any length of time, would mean taking my eye off the ball so to speak, and that was a risk I just wasn't going to take.
It's easy for other people to say you need to take time out, and yet people in general are unlikely to do that unless they feel it is safe to do so..

And yet the value of time to reflect and look inwards, quiet time to silence the noise from within and settle, to find peace is immeasurable, to be able to let it process... and allow it to be.

And if for some reason that opportunity is denied, we find ways of sneaking a few minutes here and there. We always seek to fill what is missing I guess...when we listen to our inner voices and follow where they lead.

Now, if only I could find those inward looking minutes in daylight instead of the wee small hours.
But there is something about the night, and the dark, and the silence, and the rain on the roof, that is soothing, and yet exciting, and that keeps me awake and pondering on life and love and pain, and all the big things that combine to enable us to say that we are truly living as opposed to merely existing.

The connection to the quote... no more initially than I liked it and it led to more pondering... :)

(just before dark 8.7.09)

Sometimes pearls of wisdom pop into my inbox - the round robin type e mails that you (I) so often read, smile and delete, but I liked this one ~


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me..
It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (I would add a couple of other in here, but it's not my list!! ;)

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (thankfully!)

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do .

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Discombobulated

Inbetween one thing and another, nearly at the end of one term, almost ready for another.
half on holiday, half not, half prepared, still more to do.
Dividing time between work and play, children here, and then not.
Beaches, bikes, town, mates, sleepovers, makeovers, ballet watching, football training schedules, kit fitting, winding down and gearing up for summer
a cold empty living room with a stack of ironing in the corner, awaiting a good film to make a dent in it...
apart from tonight, when I really really did want to watch 'girl with a pearl earring' especially as I missed reading the book, I can't quite settle either to watch or do the ironing, let alone both...
It feels very much as if I have left a part of me behind somewhere, there is an empty space, void of sound, noise, laughter, colour, warmth
she has slept out so many, many times, yet tonight I am feeling it more

homesick whilst still at home...

Guess I just miss her,
daft eh...

Communication....or not

Communication isn't always easy, yet ordinarily we manage and usually messages are transmitted effectively and action follows as a result..
but what happens when you find you suddenly find you have no voice,
or your voice just isn't heard..
you hit a brick wall,
bureaucracy...
ears that hear, but won't listen,
and certainly won't translate words into actions ~ what then?
Suddenly rendered ineffectual,
people with-holding information, playing power games,
egos perhaps wounded somehow?
who knows?

left to guess and try to move forwards
not a comfortable place to reside, at all,
and thankfully not a place I frequent often...

I am used to working alongside and with the medical profession,
used to reason and rationale,
I perfectly understand confidentiality and yet for some reason, and I know I am not alone, logic doesn't seem to prevail

I have a personal perspective now,
can see why there is often so much frustration
I am breathing, counting to ten, to twenty even...

and looking for alternative ways of communication..
where there's a will, there's a way, so they say :)

*(medication offered freely to me in March that I didn't want back then, I now need, because I'm tired of the joint pain and acute lethargy, only now they aren't sure I can have it... not without jumping through a lot of hoops and paying a small fortune in consultation fees in the process....!)



If I am finding this unusual circumstance (for me that is) frustrating, I am thinking of all those for whom this is everyday, those who don't have a voice, or rather, whose voices never, or rarely, get heard, by anyone
those who need to be heard and listened to.
There are so many, in so many situations.
It is draining, frustrating and soul destroying, trying to get help, asking for help that someone else has control over...
and who like to use that control

I know my situation will resolve, it it merely a glitch, yet others can't always be as certain and sometimes their barriers are way bigger than mine.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at standstill in mid-seas.

...and since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion"

(Kahlil Gibran)

Just pondering

my head is full of all kinds of everything - the news, images and stories, confusion, discord, violence;
a course I attended only yesterday about young carers, so often hidden and unsupported;
plans for new lessons and a new course I will be running from September.. much still to be done on that;
the children and their holidays - they are now on holiday whereas I have another two weeks to go ~
one is off to the South of France in a few days with a friend and her family
such a luxury, wonderful opportunities and how life has changed and moved onwards!
I camped on the Brecon beacons at her age...we still had fun, but without the sun as I remember it!
The other is at home with us this summer.

All kinds of everything includes the every day things that have come to fill our lives ~
the constant and unrelenting battle for independence
which shouldn't be a battle,
and yet part of it seems to be a need to feel that it has been won as opposed to just given.

Sometimes we seem to exist far more in passion than in reason...perhaps that is the plight of hormonal teenagers everywhere...?
Or maybe just the plight of dreamers

And passion can drown out the voice of reason ~
reason being found in that still small voice
that surfaces when all is calm
and which we seem to be hearing more often than before, thankfully.

It also encompasses the wisdom tooth that suddenly flared up
and the joints that refuse to settle
and the lethargy/exhaustion that comes along with the joints and is leading me towards accepting I may need to take the medication that has been suggested...

We exist as part of a functional/dysfunctional team that sometimes coordinates,
sometimes falls apart, sometimes loses it's way, and yet when we do, we do at least get lost together and then work together to find our way back to steer some kind of course forwards...
this team is far more than immediate family too....
thats good

our passion and our reason,
just pondering

Tonight I sat watching the sun as it set...as glorious as ever.
Rumour has it, and I only half believe, and only because I know deep down I want to.. that sometimes as it dips just below the horizon, on a clear night, there is a green flash before it goes completely

~~~~~~~
and as I watched, I couldn't help thinking

It's the same sun we all see

and the same moon

so connected on this small planet, so close, and yet so many of us so many worlds apart...

sometimes that's reassuring,
and then
sometimes it just doesn't make sense
sometimes you'd never guess we were all connected at all

Light filters through and percolates down, making pretty patterns
kaleidoscopes fascinated me as a child, same colours, different patterns, always changing
and recently I found myself playing bejewelled on facebook, strangely meditative watching the jewels cascade and exchange with one another... and explode into showers of light

Life changes,
Yesterday I was back in Alderney
lovely people,
great lessons
interested and enquiring minds
questions,
I am loving this job, with more challenges and courses to work on this summer ready for next year.

After school, with hours till the flight home I found myself on the beach, warm sun on bare skin for the first time this year,
sand trickling through my hands, a good book to read and the sound of the sea and children playing in the background.
Peace.
Tranquility.

Time to rest and then to re engage.

Life has changed, but there are beautiful colours still,
we have not just come through,
we have survived,
better equipped, and stronger than before

Sometimes we sail close to the wind and sometimes it catches us and takes us to places we could never imagine,
so fast and so furious, we fly in the face of adversity,
and when we land we find the sea is bluer and clearer and the sand is finer and the sun is warmer and more healing than we have ever known.

and the breeze is a reminder of all that has been and the possibility of what could still be.

I think I'm ready for summer.

Mystery

A lesson learned and yet not understood.

Forgiveness,
like love,
so complex, so vital.
Emanating from conscious thought and desire,
yet
somehow that alone is not enough

we can think
we can hope
we can pray

and where it comes from we cannot know or understand,
it is a gift,
a precious healing gift.

and once given it is strong and sure,

and enduring
and it brings with it calm and peace...

and although there is such a human element, that alone is not enough..

it surely is a mystery
a blessing and a wonder
for everyone involved.

and if that's magic,

I want to believe :)

Summer listening

Sun's out, sky's blue, barely a wisp of cloud in sight.
Windows down, sea breezes, open road ahead, accelerator down, volume up...
a blast along the coast clears any lurking cobwebs well out of the way






"Human"

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Hear my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You've gotta let me go

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

You've gotta let me know

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

am loving this album, bought it, lost it replaced it and then found the original!!
Isn't it always the way it goes?

Zzzzzzzz

Sleep...
so often I have pondered it's worth
In the past it has escaped me,
I have yearned for it,
begged my children (not quite literally, but almost) for it,
wished I could manage on less,
observed those who have been sleep deprived,
observed the same when rested too

it changes nothing much, not essentially,
yet it helps us cope
It is vital,
and when a crisis is over it is the first thing I do...

There is much to catch up on

amidst gardening and house work, ballet exams and various parties, portfolios to prepare for external verifiers and normal every day work, which is hugely fun, and sometimes even rewarding (with doughnuts) in unexpected ways...

all I really want, and all I seem to be doing otherwise is sleep...
and if I'm not around thats almost certainly where I'll be!

red sky at night...

some times words aren't needed.
Beauty says it all,
and speaks to each person watching and feeling in their own way

it's hard not to stand in awe and wonder, hope and possibility, when the sky turns all majestic on us.

When we dream together...

work together, share together, dreams can come true....

opportunities can present themselves
and we can make things happen.

Today a new place to eat opened in town with fantastic views over the harbour (just got side tracked and never took the photos I meant to!)
the walls displaying R's art work, a place for him to showcase his work to the public.
Upstairs is more formal, downstairs is more relaxed and easy...

tonight I am raising a glass to new ventures... :)

Slowly,
sieving,
filtering
feelings,
emotions,
facts,
images,
possibilities,

Nurturing,
retreating,
escaping

into
books,
music,
work,
distraction,

processing,
sorting,
cleaning,
clearing,

gradually...

gradually letting it unravel
gradually moving somewhere
slowly...

(Leunig)

kinda stuck for words lately...
am thinking something about time,
healing, recovering,
or just gradually getting used to some things being how they are.

And about love ~
it's never simple,
never easy,
not always rewarding even,
not immediately that is...

I guess it's tied up with acceptance,
as we learn and discover more,
uncover more of the layers of one another,
over time,
and yet loving all the same.

We change, we grow, we reveal,
yet the essence of who we are stays the same,
and we know we are all fallible and vulnerable.

We don't always make it easy for people to love us
and others aren't always easy to love.

Sometimes it's simple
and sometimes it's difficult...

See,
no words,
just circles!
that's life I guess!

there is no other way,
thankfully
:)
x

and so...

So we make progress, and then we slide backwards, and we pick up, and we slide again...

Where is that helicopter to winch us clear of all of this, and whisk us away to some far flung shore to revive and recouperate with some muscle bound, tanned eye candy to soothe the soul...?

I thought as much, so much for pipe dreams!

I have however, been thinking about the places we go for help when we are low and need completely non judgemental support...

I never knew my grandparents while I was growing up, and only got to know my Grandad in the few years before he died.

However, I have watched my son these past few weeks with my Dad, working with him in their garden, mowing their lawn for them and learning about and tending their trees, listening to stories, guiding him gently in ways we as parents can't and in watching have acknowledged that we can't give it all, that we all need different inputs to make us whole. And then when they have finished outside they retreat inside for hot chocolate and time to concentrate on some of the more tricky bits of school work, and for some reason R is far more receptive to this from him than from us...
That too is fine.
In those moments I find myself breathing and believing all will be well.

It is a special relationship, bonded through the toughest of times.
Times when perhaps we have all seen the worst sides of one another, and been more honest than perhaps we would have chosen to be, but circumstances dictate that honesty and nothing less will suffice if we are to sort out this mess...!

Honest enough to say that there are times we can't do it all alone,
none of us can.
That nurturing close relationships with wise folk who care and love us is worth more than words can convey...
family or friends with broad shoulders and comforting arms to hold us and give us wise advice when we have none of our own.
For those times when although we are grown up, we need to look for our rocks for support.

They help us find our way, and they help us to heal...
from the inside out

Asking isn't easy, but there are times when I guess we all need to ask... thats what I tell others, and sometimes we need to take some of our own advice.

Just sometimes, and seemingly out of nowhere, there is a ray of light that shines so bright it doesn't diffuse, but pierces straight to the heart of those that need it.
Today that came to us in the form of a rather fantastic achievement for R jnr..

The Victor Ludorum cup for his year at sports day,
the combined result of him winning javelin, and discus and so nearly the shot too...aswell as a very impressive sprint.

I actually had no idea what this cup was until I came home and googled to find out what it meant, but then we never did athletics at school, and I was worse than useless at Latin!
I couldn't be happier for him, or prouder.

Everyone needs validation, everyone needs to succeed, and at a time when we are recovering from the destruction left by bullies who have taken much, this means so much more... (than I can say)

In the face of adversity, and with support somehow we can achieve and recover.
There are parts of us all that noone can take away. This has reminded him of some of those parts of him, and I am grateful.

Sometimes paths open up and opportunities arise...
and we are given building blocks to build on

And whoever had the idea to play the theme from Chariots of fire at the end of the day, it was brilliant and couldn't help but make me smile :)