So what do I do instead?

I call a friend about costumes for tomorrow's Ball - we're going as Pink ladies from Grease, spend time listening to music from said film, dancing round the house, imagining myself as Olivia Newton John ~ I look nothing like her ~ arrange to pick up a wig so I might have blonde hair and I can at least pretend to have a drop dead gorgeous figure to go with it - order myself some new music from play.com and amazon, and accept an invitation from one of our chalet guests to a four year olds birthday tea on Wednesday.

Am hoping the fairies might arrive while I'm out, but failing that I'll sort it tonight - right now I feel the need for space for me :-)

A rare treat of a lie in - I really am being looked after - and now after a much needed rest I am reminded of how much there is to achieve in the next two weeks if I'm to leave things as I want to - something concrete and professional to leave behind and something positive to take forward with me. Emotions and feelings can't be helped but a very dear friend who died a few years back always said "the fairies won't do it" and he's right - he was a very wise person who holds an incredibly special place in my heart - and I'm certain he'd be telling me just to get on with what needs to be done right now

Over tired

Am so completely exhausted - I am finding this whole emotional mine field is draining all my reserves of energy down to the flashing red light, warning me I'm about out of fuel...... too tired for decisions, too tired for anything really, glands in my neck up like golf balls, feeling grotty.....

Only good thing is I was too tired to give any real attention to children's generally too loud complaining, bickering, intolerance and disruptive behaviour before school (it's not like you see on the adverts where we all sit calmly over breakfast - it's always choas trying to get out, persuade kids that they need socks and shoes, that hair should be brushed, and teeth... remember homework and pe kit and anything I need for the day too, as well as keeping smiling).

I was too tired to shout at them, but was able to manage an " if you ask for help we might be able to help you, otherwise you'll have to sort it out" and then left it - and they did just that - end of big fuss - think they realise how low I am that I can't be bothered with their overdramatic expression of feelings at the moment - must remember tactic for the future :-)

Light relief :-)

Thanks Liz,
The idea of Nibbles wearing a uniform , lol
We now have him for the rest of the week - not just last weekend!

I'm afraid we're not very good step parents, in fact I do question the wisdom of giving our family the huge responsibility of a hamster....

especially with our record of escapee rabbits, I shouldn't have been surprised this morning for Sam to come to me in distress saying Nibbles had got out and was gone.

I honestly thought this was it ~ he had got out and would never be seen again~ he's only a mouse with no tail and can get into anywhere - He doesn't have any sense of home.
What was I going to tell the school, how was I going to tell the kids, would we manage to replace him? Could I be that deceitful? ( Can hardly believe that thought actually went through my mind!)

But still we searched - Sam was allowed into school late today because they were so late getting in from the school trip last night - so she looked while I phoned R to tell him what had happened - confession time - he was the last one in there and thinks the cage might not have been completely secure!!! ( no need for me to ever wonder where little R gets it from! )

Sam heard a scuffling from the cooker - not in the main part of the cooker though - I stripped all that out - but inside the working parts of it........... so armed with a screwdriver - I'm quite handy with screwdrivers, hammers etc :-) I was just about to dismantle the cooker when he appeared, unscathed from underneath it and I was able to catch hold of him carefully and return the little tired adventurer to his cage.

He's now slept like he should do during the day ever since!
Only another 6 days left :-)

Another call...

Another call, another feeling, how fast the tides can turn - and just as I was about to agree with them and slip down the spiral into realms of what an uncaring, unfeeling, thoughtless, bad person I am, I was dragged up by my fingertips to do something positive, to focus on what is ok, and what I have done, and the knowledge that although I don't always get it right, I do always care, I do always give it my best shot, and this is right for me at the moment, although it might have caused some kind of fall out, we'll all walk out of it a little scarred but hopefully none the worse for wear - in fact something even better might come from it all.

Part of me thinks it would be so much easier if I could just pack up my desk and walk away from it all - or maybe it wouldn't be - I'd miss all the lovely people telling me how sad they are and how much I'll be missed

Why does this have to hurt? Can't admit to enjoying this part of today but guess it's just as valid as the rest of it.....

1am

Have been busy getting lessons ready in advance, sorting all kinds of mundane 'Sunday' type jobs, then ironing - ironing is one of those things like being at the gym - my mind wanders all over the place.

I imagine all kinds of things to avoid the monotony of what I'm actually doing ~ I sometimes picture my life as well ordered with everything in it's place, neat, tidy, sorted - in all respects, but then I feel sad because I know if I ever did reach that time, there would be something huge missing from my life - most likely children! Life would have to be much, much, quieter, and I think if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather stick with a busy hectic schedule which brings with it a sense of adventure and excitement each day.

Am not sure it's really something I need to be concerned with now though - it's late and this overactive brain should be sleeping instead of dreaming of a time which may never happen

Our weekend visitor, Nibbles, the year six hamster

can see us acquiring a hamster to add to the fast growing menagerie before too long!

Racing

Yesterday raced on by - until at the end if it we had gained a hamster for the weekend, I had achieved far more than I ever set out to do ( not sure how that happened while I wasn't watching!) I seem to have (sadly) gained recognition as a master flower paper maker, and being so caught up with work I managed to forget totally that Iwas meeting the girls for supper - now I know when that happens it's time for change - still can't believe I did it ~ consequently I was baking chocolate brownies at midnight ready for today!

Today is racing with amlost equal speed, and am filled with emotions I lack the words to express to do with achievement and spirit, determination and resolve - watching Richard sprinting and throwing the javelin I'm overwhelmed - one strong lad, exceeding his previous record in the javelin - not something they practice, but a massive throw for a ten year old - 24.3 metres ~ and to watch him sprint was amazing ~ am not completely sure why I get so emotional ( thank god for sunglasses!)

The most outstanding thing though from the sports day so far has been the fantastic team spirit and genuine support - watching our children grow into amazing and wonderful caring and sensitive young people

Feeling naughty...

When Sam was small, she tried so hard to tell me how she was feeling - and out came the words " I just feel like ........ being naughty...." It made me smile - it was exactly how she felt... and you can't argue with that really :-)

Am feeling naughty today - not doing anything I should be doing - am having fun though, been to the gym and am catching up on blog reading ..... need to get changed and go to school sports day, need to bake cakes, sort ever increasing washing/ironing, make calls, write up notes, hang curtains, sewing and mending for ever... garden is a disgrace, house needs cleaning............. need to go to town for shopping, will regret this later, or rather wish I had just got on, but some days are just naughty days ;-)

In explanation..

I'm thinking to myself I could appear to be being overdramatic over leaving what is essentially a job - the thing is, to me anyway, it isn't any old job.

It is a job looking after and taking forward a charity set up in memory of my employers' daughter to provide support, resources and information to families and those caring for children when someone close to them is seriously ill, or when someone has died ~ it has expanded and grown out of all proportion in the past 4 1/2 years since I started, the number of calls escalated and so did the public speaking, the schools took on board that I could take lessons based on ways of coping with loss and grief and I have been going into schools in most year groups, from preschool upwards.

This Trust, this charity is quite literally their baby , and I took it on personally, caring and nurturing it. A part time job has taken over my life ~ I believe in what it offers, believe it is important, that what I was doing makes a difference and is valuable.

But it's not a job that can be done well alone, and without emotional support and encouragement - I'm not prone to being overdramatic, it feels like I'm leaving part of me behind, but a part of me that wasn't looked after as well as I had hoped - I hope it continues to grow and develop.

But for me, it's time to move on

A tough day??

Some days are harder than others ~ I'm lucky I have very few hard days.

I remember when someone said to me "smile, it might never happen", wanting to yell at them that it just had ~ that was when my Mum had just been diagnosed with cancer for the first time.

I'll never forget that, and there are some points I judge all my other bad days against ~ I suppose we all have our own personal scales and it's all relative to our previous experience. Other people's scales, although we can appreciate them, just can't be as relevant to us personally, as our own.

I had anticipated today as being hard, but nothing I couldn't handle - a day to be gotten through and put behind me, so I could move on.

Thats probably accurate, it was never going to be comfortable, but am getting through it a step at a time ~ I'm even managing to reward myself with positive thoughts and a sense of achievement after each step.
Though, becuase I had anticipated it, I have had support via texts and calls from those who knew, which has helped enormously.

Am having tough honest conversations with people and praying and keeping fingers crossed - why do I do that? It's like a back up plan if prayers don't work! - I should know by now that they do - or else I've been just very lucky -

that aside, I reckon if it was hard for me to face the truth, then it's probably harder for them to have to face it - but still, roll on this evening.....

Goodbyes and aurevoirs..

it's a time of big change, a whole new chapter, saying goodbye to parts of my life and people, am feeling strong yet incredibly vulnerable about it all, I'm not great at goodbyes, even when it's me saying it ..... and I am left to wonder how much will be reintegrated into the new, perhaps it'll just be a process of assimilating it all into a new structure.

I'm sure there will be goodbyes mixed in with the aurevoirs ~ life is like that!

am not sure where I am off to now - but know whatever it is it'll be fun, and I am hanging onto that when I wobble severely over certain parts of the reality of this.

One of those days!

Am having one of those days when I feel I really shouldn't have started to try in the first place?
Now on the fifth draft of a letter I've tried to write but I keep making mistakes or it doesn't sound quite right! E mail is easier but sometimes letters need to be sent -
then messages on answer phones, and calls to people who don't have answer phones so I can't leave messages, people not getting back to me, and everyone else is out!
All I want to do is clear some of this work and make contact with a few people - how come it's so hard?

The secret garden

Today work is sandwiched between meetings - fun, not formal ones - this morning 5 Mums met in 'the secret garden' to plan a surprise party for Sam's teacher who is leaving - the perfect place to plan, and somewhere I haven't actually been since I was a child at the same school as she is :-)
Maybe it's just me, but I can't help grinning when I think of it - it reminds me of the dens the children make in the garden - one of the reasons I accept the conifer in the garden is that it's great for den building. I see our garden in a slightly different light since the children have been creating dens .......... little havens buzzing with creativity and excitement.

sometimes I get invited into their dens - it always feels special to be invited into their world, their space ~ this morning it felt like we were sneaking into their den at school almost without permission ~ not that we needed it!

Plans were made and it should be a good party.

Then onto a meeting with The Lieutenant Governor of Guernsey and Simeon Greene, Relationship Director of Windwards Bananas, who has come over to present the certificate for Guernsey becoming a Fairtrade island ~ smart clothes required!

These meetings made me feel good - about life generally - to look for the positive things around us, to see the good in people, appreciating the efforts others are making, valuing each other - taking time to acknowledge how far we have come and still how much there is left to do, but, without encouragement people falter and efforts fail.

Encouragement is something I have been thinking about lots lately.....