What price happiness?

Little things that have made me happy in the past couple of days.
Just before Christmas my beloved, if indeed vintage U2 ipod died...suddenly! This meant all packing had to cease for me to run into the shop whereupon they pronounced that the hard drive had indeed gone to ipod heaven, however, they offer a wonderful replacement service at a fraction of a cost, but due to Christmas and it coming from Amsterdam there would be a delay.
Yesterday I called in to collect my brand new shiny identical pod... and am back to functioning normally with it...yay... good news!

I miss music if it's not around.

I also returned to the gym, and hence have been borrowing other peoples ipods, something odd about having someone elses collection of music in your hands to play with, even though they have been those of my family. It gives an interesting perspective on each of my children somehow.
I grew up without much music, other than radio 2 in the car on the way into school in the mornings with my Dad, and I do wonder what I'd have had on my ipod back then if they had existed.

Getting back to the gym and exercise is starting to take effect, not physically so that you'd notice, but to how I feel, getting back in touch with my body and feeling it working as it should be, pushing it enough to feel my heart and be aware of my breathing, letting the endorphins kick in, as well as time and space and the pleasure of seeing the fit young toned and tanned anonymous skipper/boxer/footballer... who knows who he is...but yesterday he was cycling, and I know I stayed exercising for slightly longer than I would have done because of it, a kind of personal trainer without paying for it :)
(hope I didn't go overboard on that aspect of the gym there...)

Last night we watched the sing along version of Mama Mia with S - and in the comfort of my own home I enjoyed singing along. I enjoyed it far more here than I did at the cinema, and it did have that certain 'feel good' factor.

Today both my children have been out playing with friends. Something I take for granted. Lots I take for granted... I wonder about what price happiness...

I listen to the news, read bits and pieces, not ever as much as I want to,
time is such a governing factor...and yet I find myself reprimanding myself for that, it is a lame excuse most of the time.

just caught up with this pod cast(s)/ video from the trip made to Palestine earlier this year by a group of people from Greenbelt

Bethlehem - somewhere there are no parks or playgrounds...

and yet in the midst of all that is around them they keep hold of hope, hope for a new year better than previous ones.

Worlds apart I sit and pray and ponder and hope for peace...

Thoughts this New Years eve on what I really need to make me happy.

Hope your New Year is peaceful and 2009 is a great year full of magic, awe and wonder, x

Inbetween

Feeling flat, wiped out, jittery, needing to get ready and prepared for next term..
Christmas has meaning for me, new year really hasn't
always feel like this to a degree after Christmas and family birthdays have been and gone and I need to get back into the swing of things again,
it's an odd transitional time I have never liked.
we said we'd go out at new year, a rugby club thing, but right now I'm not so sure...
might just keep my head down and emerge when it's all over :)

merely pondering

"We've come a long way, we really have"
~ a comment made to me by a very good friend late one evening this Christmas.... just made me think

think how far we do go without realising it, until perhaps the years pass and we look back... we could never see the way through at the time, and yet we get through one step at a time and find we are still searching for the way forward...but with more experience and perhaps more hope than before.

It also made me think about the constants in our lives,
the things that give us stability ~
the reassurances.
When we are stumbling we return to that which we know, which we can rely on,
the things we all need in our lives
the bare bones, the rocks, the things and people that won't let us down,
our faith,
our belief

There is a reassurance in things that stay the same ~
in nature,
in the sun rise and sun set,
in the ebb and flow of the tide,
the seasons.

We all need to know who and what we can rely on,
we need something, even one thing, as a constant,
something to steady ourselves on until we can find our feet again.


Just got me thinking, and I was grateful to be sitting with some of mine and sharing food and wine with them at yet another Christmas.

Thankful and thinking

Plans....

I was going to blog but we had a last minute supper invite...
and I was going to reply to all the lovely comments on my last post... ( I appreciate them all - thank you )
we were going to have an early night
the kids were going to catch up on sleep
I was going to watch a movie
start to read my new book...

but instead we were out and had a lovely time
I am tired
the kids are tired
there is no school tomorrow
no work tomorrow
and tomorrow I can lie in and catch up and do all the things I didn't do tonight
because we were out having fun....

laughing and eating and enjoying the holiday with good friends...
the best way to spend a holiday

Seeing through young eyes

After all the excitement and fun,
the stockings and present opening,
the noise and the magic,
after it has all died down and the mess has been mainly cleared away.

I find myself sitting still at the end of Christmas day.
It has been beautiful in so many ways,
in sharing with friends and family, in coincidental meetings,
and in the beauty of small heartfelt gifts.

One inparticular, a precious photo album compiled by my daughter of memories past ~
ones we created, and which now they both share.
Remembering precious times, with love.
My album was instantly a treasured possession.

Sometimes I think children see so much more clearly than we do, without the clutter that comes with adulthood.
They see through the mess and straight to the heart of things.
To care and be cared for, to give and receive love, to be accepted, to forgive
and to be happy just to be together.

I need the reminder occasionally to see through young eyes that haven't yet grown weary of living, that see as they feel, and give importance to the feelings, and that are now old enough to identify and express those feelings.

Today has been simple, uncomplicated and very very lovely....

thankful of the peace
we progress, one step, one day at a time...

there is no other way.

Just a feeling

Today is busy, tomorrow is going to be busier.
Like many we have a lot to navigate around this time of year.
We never know how it's going to pan out,
but year on year we step out
hoping this year will be different,
Hoping to find peace, hope and understanding
and not just open old wounds and hurt again.

some years we make it...

I love the image this gives
It's just a feeling
sent out to many,
for many reasons,
but especially this time of year
When it seems there is nothing we can do,
and all we can do, is be there
hoping and praying, loving and caring
for, and with
each other.

Trusting, and being there,
being here in the moment.

It's just a feeling, a thought,
a wish,
sent out with love.

Just thinking

Just thinking, on all kinds of things, on all the illness I see and hear of around, and on all the sadness and the ripples from people's lives and stories which make this time of year especially hard for many. It's a quiet day here right now, which will change before too long! Just thinking...

U2 - If God will send his angel
Uploaded by Angkor

The best adventure ever

What was your last good read? Or film to watch? What keeps us fascinated and transfixed, what captures our imagination? And what makes life worth living?
Lately I have heard some brilliant stories during evenings or various conversations, humorous, adventures, dramatic risk taking, consequences, close shaves, wild stories of survival. Some perhaps embellished for the moment, but in essence true.
Great fodder for a social evening out.
Real life.
But that's the thing...all the best experiences, all the good stories, are best because of these elements, and mainly involve risks taken, not stories of safety and comfort...

Life is an adventure, by nature I guess... and adventure makes life fun and interesting, we search it out.

If I want it, it makes sense that my children might crave it too.

Yet it still takes courage to wave him goodbye as he goes off on his racing bike to his mates house, have given him the cycle helmet talk and sent a couple of silent prayers upwards as he goes.. pushing the images of people I have nursed in A&E who have had lucky escapes out of my head - sometimes they are just not helpful!

and then when he comes home he tells me he just took a detour into town to see if he could go up and down the big hill a couple of times...wanted to do it on his own and not with his Dad - just to see if he could, in the busy Christmas traffic too...
like rock jumping off the highest rock here in the summer... just 'cos!!
and sleeping out on the common in bivvy bags in the summer...

Am starting to understand this whole thing on a cognitive level, it just takes a whole lot of putting into practise... letting them experience what they want to - what they will do anyway to an extent, whilst keeping faith that they will come home safely.
And then being excited for them and at the stories and adventure whilst quietening the parent in me that will always want to protect, wanting to hear the stories, yet knowing if I'm going to be allowed to hear the 'best' ones I am going to have to keep my nerve and be true to my heart, allow myself to feel the adventure, not the what ifs....

love, protection, freedom, risk, safety, learning to trust in faith...letting them live.
Perhaps it is all about roots and wings, but it feels a whole lot more complex than that.

And I fear it is only the start - the start of being witness to, and part of, two other humans amazing incredible adventure story - mystery, intrigue, drama, I just hope there aren't too many times when I will want to hide behind a cushion, or will those ultimately BE the best bits?

Last week, when I was looking for my PE kit in the cloakroom,
I saw an angel.
She was hovering above the coat hooks, smiling at me
and waving a long white hand.
Her silver wings were trembling
And her golden halo shimmered in the sun.
This morning she was there again,
smiling and shimmering,
Flapping and fluttering,
Waving and trembling.
She looked beautiful.

I told my teacher.
"Miss, there's an angel in the cloakroom."
My teacher gave a little snort."An angel?"
She looked around the cloakroom but the angel had gone.
"Too much television," she sighed.
"Too lively an imagination.
A daydreamer, that's what you are.
Angels indeed! Whatever next?"
She smiled and shook her head,
And then picked up a shining feather
from the floor
And put it in the bin.

Gervase Phinn

Makes me wonder what other things children see that adults write off... how quickly we dismiss their fanciful ideas.. perhaps we should indulge them now and again?...*


One of the lovely things about Christmas shopping is it invariably sees me gravitate towards bookshops and music...
the problem with books is you just have to have a sneak preview before you give it to someone.

Am loving this small book,
"Twinkle twinkle little stars", there are some really lovely stories in it.

* am also thinking that if we only look we will see the marks angels leave. Have come across a couple of very beautiful angels today, disguised as humans... uncanny how that happens!

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.."
Maya Angelou

Thats important.
Learning to say No, and no more
No more to crap
No more to criticism
No more to unasked for judgements
No more giving out all the time into a bottomless pit...
no more tired and lame excuses for damaging behaviour
from anyone...

Time for looking after, for nurturing, for doing what feels good, for being with people who care and love and want to be around... time for protection

everyone has limits, everyone needs time and love and patience and friends,
and unconditional acceptance, warts and all.

sometimes it's time to take responsibility for our own happiness, and maybe sometimes that means saying no to some things, some people.

It's been a crap day, a tear filled frustrating, dismal down day...not aided by painful, swollen joints, and feeling like everything is an enormous effort. I'm back on my iron in case it's partly that too...or it could be just one of those days at the end of one of those weeks.

It's certainly time to conserve energy and resources for a while, spend time with friends and rekindle the fire thats burning rather dimly at the moment...and listen to the inner still voice for a while.

It's time...

"so even if we have to fake it until we make it,
lets give it a shot."
Jen Gray Dec 2008


words that made me think
There are times when faking it is the best we can do, and who says we shouldn't now and again...if it gets us by? One day we might realise we've woken up and we're not faking it any more
perhaps we might realise we were never really faking it after all
perhaps all we have to do is believe

Cheers Jen, lets give it a shot,
I'm in...

When stories come to life

This weekend I saw Inkheart, a most wonderful film, in my book anyhow.





I had tagged along at the invite of a friend to help with their daughters Birthday party. As it turned out the children were incredibly well behaved, and needed no real supervision other than us to be there, leaving us to catch up during the meal beforehand, and then sit in the cinema together afterwards.

I was enthralled and captivated for the whole movie.
It is rare I recommend a film, or a book for that matter... they are so personal, but I completely loved this...

Comfort

Memories
growing up is confusing.
Tonight as my daughter came to me for yet another hug she said to me "I used to fall asleep in your arms"
I told her she still could.
She didn't... didn't have to, didn't need to after then.

What comforting beautiful memories
feels like yesterday
Is wonderful to know she treasures them like I do...

Cold thoughts

the cold virus

Just a thought
How can something so pretty and bright make you feel so rough?
guess it's no consolation that it's so colourful...

Not that I'm being antisocial, but
It can go and play elsewhere
Advice from one teacher in school... wash your hands and don't touch anyone!!

not much fun when party season is upon us though!

The very last bits of coursework are in and done.
I hand delivered the hard copies this morning and finally I have those precious hours to fill with other things. A corner of my brain has been swept clear and there is space at last.

Satisfaction that it is done and a weight lifted, more so than I had thought.

So, in response to Gilly,
Santas beverage of choice.. a tricky one...

Whisky makes him very silly...I am sure of that.. have heard tales :)
so brandy has always been a good option - he has always left the right presents for the right people...

though I have been viewing a couple of recipes we might just have to try..

Mistletoe Mojito courtesy of Scarlet

1 oz. fresh lime juice

1 tbsp. superfine sugar
8 fresh mint leaves
2 oz. white rum (optional)
2 tsp. pomegranate seeds
4 oz. Pomegranate 7 Up
1 mint sprig
1 lime wedge

Pomegranate seeds

1) In a highball glass, muddle lime juice, sugar and mint leaves until sugar is dissolved.

2) Add rum and pomegranate seeds. Btw, the rum is NOT optional. (It's not a mojito without the rum!!)

3) Fill glass with ice and top with Pomegranate 7UP.

Garnish with mint sprig and lime wedge.

Makes 1 mojito...so you may want to double (triple?) the recipe. ; )

Enjoy!

or courtesy of Allie,
egg nog

4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
1 pint whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
3 ounces bourbon
1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
4 egg whites

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until the sugar completely dissolves. Add the milk, cream, bourbon and nutmeg and whisk to combine.

Place the egg whites in a different bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks using the whisk attachment. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.

Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve.

{Makes 6 to 7 cups.}

or even one of these courtesy of Violetsky..

(Bloody) Caesar New Variation

Rim a highball glass with lime and sea salt and fill halfway with ice

Into a cocktail shaker with ice add
1.5 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin,
5 oz Clamato juice, (best with regular Motts to get the full flavour of the Bombay Sapphire)
pinch of cayenne pepper and a pinch of Worcestershire
and ROLL gently to blend.

Strain into a highball glass

Adorn with celery stick, carrot stick, pickled onion, or lime

Sip

Relax

Sip

Relax

But seeing as I haven't a clue who he is or what his prefernce is.. it's a game of chance ;)

It's also time I played along even just once - and I know it's early, but what are rules for...?
Carmi's theme for this week is bright..
as I drove along the coast in the dusk suddenly the sun peeked out from the edges of the cloud, giving a beautiful lining and lit up the whole sky again...if only for a short while.

I have missed playing with my camera while I have been studying - I think it's time to play again :)

Oh and all this week I have been convinced it's friday - which is making it go very slowly...if we could just hurry it along a little please :)

Christmas is coming!

We have the tree but it's not up yet, we have cards but they're not written yet, and some presents, though not many - I also have cooking to do and prepare in advance of the two birthdays that also occur one each side of Christmas.
I have a sick (though not that sick) child and the last essay to complete before tonight's class
There is work to do on a present I was hoping to get finished for Christmas - it won't be, because I don't have a kiln to fire it in - a special silver firing kiln... but I'd like to think it was as close as it could be so it can wing it's way across the ocean in the new year, plus I like to think that at least I was thinking of that person while I was working on it - and if I could have completed it I would.
I also have jewellery I have almost finished mending for a friend for tonight...

My thoughts are in many different places right now.

I took down a post about the calm after the storm (sorry Violetsky, I took your comment with it, but it was much appreciated, thank you) - indeed there have been storms fuelled by teenage angst and hormones and this is just a rocky part of the road. It will improve, of that I am sure. Sometimes we need a storm to experience the calm. I wish it wasn't so, yet today feels easier, is easier. Communication love and acceptance...

Yesterday I felt the blessing of blogging upon me yet again. A card saying I had missed a parcel delivery had me puzzled, although of course it is Christmas and it shouldn't be that strange! However, I was all the more delighted and taken quite aback by a gorgeous book sent all the way from my beautiful friend Jayne. An author she had mentioned to me during a conversation we had had while we sat across our desks on different sides of the world while we shared a drink...oh the absolute magic of ichat video links...
The connections from blogging have to be the very best bit about it all. Thank you Jayne, x

And then we had our first carol service last night - thoughtful, thought provoking and uplifting too. As much as I love some aspects of Christmas it is always a stressful time and thre is so much sadness aswell as so much joy around and I find it hard sometimes to reconcile the two.

In fact I don't think I do, and images of Bethlehem and Palestine brought back by friends on their recent trip there also infiltrated my thoughts last night as we sang.


Yet still I know Santa won't come down the chimney unless I prepare for him!

and there is the decision to make about what his favourite drink is this year...

Well you've got to be prepared for all eventualities :)

Our best bits..

Today I looked down at the start of a class and saw the most incredible pair of eyes looking back at me, wide and blue, fixated, waiting intently, and listening. It was the start of a lovely class.
A class where yet again the class teacher was surprised at the end to see how much the children had learned, and in which the children themselves were surprised and proud.

The very best bit of what I am doing now, and the reason why I wanted to somehow get back to doing it in some form, is seeing children suddenly discover that they can do something and do it well...that sense of pride of achievement in themselves.
I love it when they go out of class shining and happy with themselves, feeling good.

We do things for so many reasons, our desires are often driven by something very deep rooted in us.
If children believe they can, then they often can and will, and nurturing that sense of self belief stems from something deep in me.

It got me thinking about our best bits.
What are your best bits?

Truth is, it's so easy to only hear about the less favourable sides of ourselves and to believe in them, and easy to forget, or not to focus on, our strengths.

It is so easy to end up introverted and negative and down on life and ourselves when all we hear is the tedium of what we should have or could have done more of, or better...

which is why I decided it's time to shake off the winter blues, and give some time to embracing my best bits.

The things I do well, the things other people say I do well, the compliments people pay, the things that make me feel good,
to take them onboard and integrate them into my thinking.
Time to enjoy achievements rather than dwell on downfalls.

Time to enjoy the very best bits of me, just like the reflection in the smiling eyes of a child when they succeed.



oh and I thought it was time for a change of scenery round here too :)

Too tired really for reflection...
it's been a long, long day... am still chilled to the bone, trying to thaw out.
a story of mixed messages, communication hijacked, and then watching the day unfold and having not a shred of influence over how it turned out...laughable in it's absurdity
a project that gradually got smaller and smaller until it was just a few of us selling a few (delicious) fairtrade chocolate things on a stall in the rain, the hot spiced apple juice only really getting going in time for us to pack up at the end. Best not talk about the liquor licence ;)
I ache, have a full day ahead tomorrow and need sleep...

In the middle of all the mixed communication I headed out, and saw this rainbow... caught it just before it disappeared from view...

a long day but fun in all it's bizarreness.

A very special Advent Calendar

What a fantastic idea, and an amazing thing to bring together for advent.
Shame we live too far away to see this....

Beach hut advent calendar

I'll be checking by every day though to see what opens next...

Christopher Robin to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

Oh for such wisdom...

there is a part of Tuesdays right now that I find exceedingly hard. A situation I have no control over, apart from how I choose to react to it.
I thought tonight was going to be the last one, it's not...next week is.
It's nothing physical, but mentally and emotionally very hard, and all my instincts tell me I just want to run away. Sometimes it's better than I think and other times it's not.
There will always be situations we find hard to cope with, and I am usually relatively calm in the face of adversity. However, sometimes courage feels like it has flown away...

I'm frittering time away when I should be working.
Sometimes it's hard to focus beyond what might be.

As a good friend reminded me recently, we should cross our bridges as we come across them, not before....

and who knows, perhaps they'll be good for playing pooh sticks on instead!

New things and old...

It's a new month,
I have a new hair cut,
a new colour,
no matter that it was me experimenting
getting rid of grey,
it's shorter, sassier and makes my head feel lighter and clearer, more purposeful.
old music turned up loud,
memories of amazing cool times
reminds me of people I should make contact with again,
crowded nights in a tent in Herm before we all went our separate ways
a long time ago now!

I am sitting drinking coffee and the chocolate biscuits are open..

a confessional moment ~ guess who forgot the advent calendars this year? yes, I did, and I feel bad about it..

My coursework is nearly completed,
and Christmas shopping nearly started,
which means it's been thought about!

Right now I wish I had better speakers than I do...
oh well, everyone deserves a wish list!

My amazon order arrived today, I opened it all excited, but somehow I got the study notes and not the book...
the problems of online shopping and not checking properly before clicking on buy!
'That'll learn me', so my friend would say :)

"100 years of solitude" will have to wait.. but if anyone wants the study notes, they're here!!


and currently playing,
from a tent in Herm, a long time ago now...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."


oh and red ribbons for World Aids day ~ plenty on facebook, but none spotted round town or anywhere else I have been today... how come?

A magical mystery tour

A magical mystery tour,
away from judgement and criticism
on a ship, headed into the distance,
to spectacular, mainly unchartered territory
wild and beautiful
with my children and R, my friends, music, books,
and enough food and drink to last as long as it was needed...


Escape ~
where do you go to in your head to escape, even for a short while?
when you're not focused on what you should be,
when you don't really want to be exactly where you are,
and would rather be somewhere else.

Who would you take, what would you take?
where would you go?
and for how long?

I'm dreaming mine right now....


shouldn't be, but am.
Should be working and focused

perhaps I could just close the doors, unplug the phone and invite those I want to round for a while and chill out with them here instead.

Important, human things...

Important things that have happened my way of late ~

while I was sunning myself in Cyprus, a group of people, including friends of mine, were over in Palestine, and Big John has been busy compiling this from their trip, sharing their story and experiences



As I see it is a preview I imagine there is more to follow.
I wonder as I watch it how many are aware of this, of any of it, in the run up to Christmas.




Wise words too from someone my age, a friend of a friend, with terminal cancer about enjoying every moment with our children and family... because they have cherished the time they have had with theirs, and it made life worth it.

Makes me wonder what on earth I would be thinking and saying if I knew I could have died within hours, yet was saved for a short while, but still there is no real hope of a cure?

All we can do is learn from, and love each other.
I am convinced of that, because there is no way we can beat life, we just have to learn how to live with it, and how to live, as best we can, with each other.




Then there was a moment on friday, when I was sitting nursing the remnants of a migraine outside swimming, feeling down on life and myself it has to be said... and a friendly hand appeared on my shoulder, unexpectedly, a friend I wouldn't expect to see there, who arrived just in time to cheer me and make me feel better about the world...I swear friends are angels in disguise.




And less important in the scheme of life but important to me...
today Father Christmas turned on the lights in town... and S and a friend wanted to go and see him on their own. Now this is in contrast to me letting go :)

For ages I have mentioned, and even quite directly asked S what she thought about it, and what the other girls say, and earlier in the week we went to see the school play in which there was a line or two about Father Christmas being a myth that only younger children believe in...yet not a flicker of doubt crosses her face.. she still insists ~ he is real... insists although I am sure she knows...
what can we do but play along?

somehow she has gained the upper hand in this and we have to carry on perpetrating the myth that we reinforced by taking them to Lapland to meet him
deep in the forest with only a reindeer outside.
If we were doing it, then it had to be the best, the most real experience, and it was :)
Trapped in a web of our own making...!!

Not that I am really complaining... only slightly!

Just loved this...so clever

History

The end of an era is upon us.

From the children being very small Dennis the menace was a big part of family life, he was favourite viewing after school and we spent many afternoons laughing at his antics.
Often I could be forgiven for thinking I had my very own Dennis right here with me!
If R jnr could have changed the bath water with jello he would have!
So when we first decorated his room, he wanted a picture of the mischievous couple on his wall.

However, now it's come to a time when he wants his room completely redecorated, and it's time to cover Dennis over....he still likes him but it doesn't quite fit any more.
Time to say goodbye, to move onwards.
I'm not sure I can bring myself to paint over them completely - we are working on some kind of notice board or something to cover over this part of childhood history. I know we have to move on, but I remember painting it painstakingly and lovingly, knowing how much it meant to him.

It's going to have to be a pretty big board though...

We have the paint all ready for us to begin... just a shame I had a migraine which wouldn't let me start on it today!

thoughts after a lesson...

I just taught possibly the best lesson I can ever recall teaching... and the strange thing is I'm not sure why. Technology failed yet again - so no advance on the 2 lessons so far where I have had fully functioning sound, interactive white board and dvd/cd rom access.... but still, it went well.
I can improvise, and practical demonstration can overcome most things in my sessions thankfully.
Yet I am half wondering ~ did it go well, or did it just go as I had hoped ~ without fuss and disruption!! How do we judge?
I like kids who listen, who can then take on board an instruction and carry it out, who show me they have learned and who can demonstrate an ability to think for themselves too...
the class was well behaved, considerate and had fun, and yet still I come away scratching my head for the answer as to why?
Are we never satisfied???
I would love a simple formula as to why.

I know perfectly well that just because a class is quiet and appears to be focused on the board or on me, doesn't mean that they are learning, they could equally well be day dreaming ( I used to do that one well) and I know that just because someone apparently isn't focused on me but fiddling or doodling, that they aren't learning....I also know that noise and action can signify learning, or it can mean mayhem...

I'm used to them listening, but am also used to them getting so excited when we get to the practical physical bits that they find it hard to contain themselves - they have so much energy that just has to come out.

I am sure that this morning they both listened and learned, and there was excellent behaviour too which made life so much easier... hey Jayne, you're right - it was what I needed this morning! - an easy session :)

So, I now have two things floating round my head... one is from Jeff at 'Sharp yellow pencil' blog, (well worth a read if you have time to pop over) who posted this a while back which has stuck with me ~

that all behaviour is motivated...

and then there is the whole thing about expectation, which says if we expect a certain behaviour from someone, we are far more likely to get it.
That makes perfect sense to me, and in the class room at least it seems to work wonderfully ~ if we expect good behaviour, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, most of the time anyhow.

However, outside of the classroom I find expectation a tricky customer.
We all have expectations, and it's hard enough to live up to someone elses expectations of me, let alone my own of me.
The people I hold closest to my heart are the ones who have never expected any more of me than I have to give at any one time...and I love them dearly for that.

Unrealistic, unreasonable expectations can only lead to disappointment, and yet people persist in making them, often without even asking, or knowing someone, and finding out if they are realistic in the first place.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when, oh look.... there goes another self fulfilling prophecy!

We only ever fail if we, or others, expect more than we are able to give...

and so, in reality we actually succeed far more than we give ourselves credit for.

'cos a status update can't say it all...

snapshots just sometimes aren't enough to tell the story....
It's been dull and windy and wet, an ordinary November day

Scene one: just tumbled out of bed to announcements that the hamster is on the loose again and has decided to live up to his name once more. I place strategic piles of nuts around the place and wait, get bored, I have a shower and find that all the nuts have been eaten...am slightly concerned he has taken them down into the pipework behind the toilet and so return with a carrot on the theory that he would find it hard to drag it into the hole with him and so make it easier to catch him...
I dry my hair and return to the craft room where the carrot is.... finally spot his fluffy body hidden inbetween paintings stacked on the floor and capture him.. he puts up no resistance, is full and content... I note that he has not touched the carrot! Text all family members - R and children that he is found!

Scene two: am now running late to meet my parents at the hospital to get Mum's latest test results, but everything is running even later there; however the wait fades into insignificance when we are told all is clear...

Scene three: I sit alone at home, drinking coffee and digesting the fact that almost for the first time in 21 years we no longer, at least for the moment, have to give headspace to the word cancer... that hits me deep down.
I wonder how often big moments arrive and take us by surprise, and instead of jubilation and champagne, I am alone drinking coffee... normality resumed without question... Big emotions flowing through me, hard to get my head around, and I remembered exactly how solitary the processing of these emotions is.
I wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by people at that point and yet I longed for contact with people, wanted to tell them my news. and yet again it isn't my news to tell. I have been every age from 19 to now this afternoon.
I'm leaving a lot out of this bit here...
it has informed my journey, is a part of who I am, has brought me much joy and friendship, aswell as pain and tears. I am sure I will need it again, but for now it can just rest out of sight, or tucked away somewhere. Parts of it trigger other stuff.. childhood stuff...and for now I am thankful for where I am today, where we are today.
I head out to teach year four children and leave wondering how I can best include a child with physical disabilities in my lesson tomorrow.. it's a practical lesson.

Scene four: after school, all is calm until issues around msn and computers and phone calls and girls crop up... and escalate, attitude and arguments... it kills me inside, I hate this ~ the balance between control and not being too controlling...
you know girls have feelings too??? I thought we did that one a long time ago... sometimes this doesn't sound like my son any more!!
I am rarely the mother I want to be... rarely live up to my ideals...perhaps we never really get it right. I feel bad. I've never been a parent before - and that will be the same at every stage.... we're all learning, all the time, finding our feet together. It's going to be rocky some of the time I guess
I pass it over to R and head out to jewellery nightclass.

Scene five: calm... silver, gold, wonderful amethysts, chatter, distraction, laughter, creation.

and now: back home, almost prepared for tomorrow, the family are in bed asleep, it's peaceful, the clock ticks in the background...
I have some space coming up soon, gaps in the overflowing diary... There will be time to catch up with myself, time for the gym, time to organise Christmas, such as it is this year...

It's been a big day, yet just another day. I wonder at how I have been guided through some really tricky terrain at times and yet I'm still here.. we're still here...

I wonder if I'd have given up on God if somehow we hadn't made it this far...and yet I'm not asking to test that one out! I guess he has his reasons and for that I am grateful. Am grateful for the angels he has sent along the way too...the real live human ones who have been there when I needed them...

I wonder about a lot of things... at the end of the day that is mainly about what adventure lies ahead and what tomorrow might have in store...


So, on that note, I guess it's time for bed, and sleep, before it arrives all too quickly, x

Warmth, comfort, dreams dancing, mesmerising possibilities, prayers...
companionship

log fires are special
and are best shared...
on a cold and wintery evening
I wanted to share mine

x

childhood comfort restored, heart mended

We had some good news earlier... a very special member of our family had been missing for a few weeks now. We had searched high and low, posters had been made and posted around the house, friends had been alerted and joined in the search. S's night time companion, confidante and comforter, duck the bear, appeared to have been lost somewhere, vanished without a trace.

In between various other things I would find myself becoming obsessed over his whereabouts, wishing to goodness he could just speak or that someone would have a clear idea of where he was.
She can sleep without him, but he could never be replaced and once it became apparent he wasn't just left at a friends house for us to collect he was missed even more. How ridiculous, I was getting frantic about a missing teddy... as were half of her friends in different places - it was almost an island wide search!
Anyway, this terrible troublesome bear was only found hiding behind the towels in the bathroom cupboard - put safely so he didn't get wet while she showered.
He is now restored to his rightful place in her bedroom and she slept happily last night with him beside her.

I wish it was always this simple to mend a broken heart... so perfect, so innocent, so beautiful
It gets harder from here on in...

Beautiful...

Just a couple of the songs I've been listening to from a beautiful singer/songwriter.. there are many of hers I am loving right now.

A rare treat, a night in, nothing hugely pressing to do, I have a glass of wine, the kettle crisps are open and what is there on television... football???
It would appear most people including my husband are out tonight so I am alone, both here and in virtual reality of cyberspace.

On Monday night I became aware that I have not only somehow missed the start of Spooks, but we are already several episodes in, and the temptation to start the catch up is strong but these things are made for sharing and so I will resist.
There is time to savour what is good about this.
I have worked and now I have come to a stop ~ although there is more to do I need to be still for the moment, this moment.

I am probably less than half way through a project at jewellery I am already proud of... a glimpse of what the finished product may look like made me very excited!! I find it hard to get my head around creating something beautiful, and so wearable ~ there WILL be pictures when it's done.
I am still loving music back from Greenbelt and someone new to me who came highly recommended, Kendall Payne. I'm also kind of fixated on Coldplay at the moment...marking a moment in time.

I have been so absorbed in study books and work that I now am looking for the next good read, the last good read was 'Girlfriend in a coma' by Douglas Coupland, and I need to search out the next 'can't put down' book for when this course is finally over and done with.
Christmas looms and I am not savouring the prospect of that, but we will cope.

I have been reading various blogs, and thinking, and after the loss of someone who, more than anything, believed in and gave to other people, I keep finding myself thinking that 'we are enough'. That together, we are enough. I am sure that can be torn apart, and yet I think we are....together we can be, we are, somehow between ourselves and our beliefs and each other we find strength and courage and we survive.

How much of life is about survival?
And we live while we are surviving...
and one day we forget we are surviving
and find we are just living....

Within the tribute to R's coach the other day, an avid fisherman in his leisure time, were the words that he always saw himself as 'a fisherman who delivered milk...' and there is something I love about that...living for what he loved.

I need to get back to the gym...need to feel good about me again, it has been too long, it would appear that our team didn't get though the barriers of broadband speed over here to register for the next moonwalk, or it looks exceedingly unlikely, so fitness and inner well being has to be achieved somehow.

It's strange how you get to clock those feelings.. last night I realised I was turning inwards on myself again, too much time alone and working, too much stress, too many triggers from childhood taking effect, listening to the voices that tell you you are worthless and useless, things that become a fabric of our being, and that as adults we can choose to challenge and deny them the power they once held.
When I feel good and feel fit those voices become quieter, it puts me in control of them...so gym is definitely on the list and we may still be surprised and find we have places for May next year in London....oh the golden glow of memories and anticipation...!!!

Thank you for your comments and your patience with my erratic posting, thank you for coming back to visit...it is appreciated and new faces around too :)
I may have rambled, just catching up with myself a bit I guess

and appreciating standing still....

That was a tough week... scrutinised, observed, pulled apart and criticised, not just once, but it felt relentlessly, and to top it all a very hard funeral, a wonderful tribute, a wonderful service, but oh so hard, tears and emotion, energy sapping, so much feeling and emotion crammed into one space, crammed into my head too.

So, I crashed out last night after a lovely evening with friends...drained, worn out, and incapable of processing any more.

Time to take it easy for a while, almost self imposed. That said I haven't even looked at the assignments for this week yet, and I am playing catch up with friends later who I haven't seen for ages. I am emerging slowly and it feels good...necessary even, contact with the outside world beyond aims and objectives and assesment criteria and methods.

Thank God for friends who always have a spare place at their table, a cup of tea or a glass of wine and an open ear or a story to cheer and empathise... sometimes it's the only medicine we need.

loss

Nothing matters,
in a moment, life is gone, cut short,
forever, irreversible,
where to? who really knows?
the pain and the unreality go hand in hand,
disbelief, and yet knowing...

nothing matters, not really, apart from people and love and caring,
small treasured moments
the transparency of honest communication,
those who see straight past our veneers and into our souls, who see us as we are,
those who care, who we love dearly, without condition, without reason perhaps.

what we say and how we say it,
how we make someone feel, by our touch, our presence, our omissions,
All THAT matters, matters a lot,

we remember, not always the words, but how someone made us feel...
kind words, smiles, caring, valued, love lived every day in small ways...

lessons we learn over and over again and still we need reminding

Life isn't fair, life is hard, things happen we can't explain, can't reason
some people radiate love...
they are special,
it's not fair they should die, that they should no longer be around,

hard to accept, impossible to explain
hard to deal with, impossible to avoid

so final, so forever...

no words or quoted passages can reverse that moment, fast rewind...

tomorrow we say goodbye to a young soul who leaves behind a young family and many who thought highly of him...
It's hard, and life isn't fair...

explanations and reasons still don't change that,

tomorrow we face one of our deepest fears, it faces us, cold and stark,
we imagine and we go there, we feel and we are thankful too that we still remain,

and whilst we live, we live in possibility...and love

Under paper mountain

Life... still so so busy..
the assessments have been and gone - had almost forgotten I had a second one too!! Now they have triggered even more work, writing up, evaluating, reflecting on my evaluation...documentation gone a bit over the top, but who I am I to question it...??
will emerge from my paper mountain soon I hope :) once I have finished sleeping - which I will need once this is done, so I am looking for my vava voom which has gone astray..

in the rest of life we seem to be leaving a trail of broken / lost items behind us - which although they are merely items, and I know it's 'only money'!!??? is quite disconcerting and I do just wish that perhaps cars would stop breaking, being scraped, needing servicing and that vast amounts of sports and school equipment wouldn't keep getting lost/stolen and we could just keep hold of our pennies a little longer.. it's getting beyond a joke now...!
That's life though... and yes I know it's only money and I shouldn't mind, and part of me keeps it in perspective and part of me says if only, and wouldn't it be nice.... :)

'In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.'
[Martin Luther King Jr.]

A quote I found myself contemplating during one of my work breaks yesterday, which strikes a chord with me quite deeply...
certainly I have known that silence, a real silence born out of others not knowing what to say, their discomfort, awkwardness with my situation, to the degree I would end up apologising and trying to make them feel better and more able to deal with my pain.... and that was if they were actually there in the first place - if they hadn't abandoned me and cut me off completely because I wasn't in a place they could handle any more. Yet sometimes we need someone to just be with us, sit with us in our awkwardness and pain and discomfort - because if thats how they are feeling, then it is far worse for us in the middle of it, and we need a hand to hold, someone who isn't running away because it is all so scary and horrid and impossible - we need to know we aren't being left alone in a dark and scary place with shadows to keep us from sleeping.

So I pondered it a while and thought I'd post it.

That time was a while ago now thankfully, but it shaped my life ~ you never do forget the silence and I would never want any of my friends to feel that, would go out of my way to make sure noone did.

So, a light hearted interlude from the fourteen hours I spent in relentless planning and essay writing and preparation for tomorrow's assessment, with the odd distraction, even though my attempts to be distracted somehow failed miserably...!

I find that a strange phenomenum ~ that we are always distracted when we least want to be, and not distracted when we would like to be.
Good job I wasn't though - I guess someone was looking after me and making sure I stayed on task and didn't stray too far
Facebook potentially has a lot to answer for.

However, I was good and I achieved and ultimately that will be good too.

My brain ached and my legs were telling me I had stayed in one position for far too long and although I still have more to do there is the glimmer of a finishing post, with a chilled glass of something waiting for me at the end of it, or before then if I am good.

I'm keeping that reward firmly in my mind... and then I will come and visit you all like I have wanted to for ages and catch up and do all the things I have promised myself.. apart from I never do all the things I plan even though I do mean to - like clean the oven and decorate and sort through cupboards and drawers...
And actually the class doesn't really finish until Decemeber.

See you soon, x

Early hours

It's early in the morning.
A lack of coherent words has stopped me from posting - I seem to have been engrossed in a language only known to others on the same course as me, which makes me wonder how valid our course really is ~ just don't tell our tutor!!

I want to write, want to communicate, and there is so much I could say ~
so what is current?

Pip would ask about words to describe my life right now...
tired, stretched, yearning, doubtful and hopeful
what a meagre array of words.. yet when I think about them they are true, heartfelt for many reasons.

True we are struggling with teenage years - that is going to continue for years, and every parent alive will know what it is like to a degree.. they miss that out of parent classes - how to scare a potential parent!!
Yet they also don't tell you the sheer power of a young man's hug and him telling you he loves you and that you are his best friend.
So much I could say to that, but will leave it at the most amazing feeling and life giving force.

Honesty I can cope with - it doesn't matter how hard it is, at least you then know what it is.. deceit and lies are hard - you don't know at all...can't judge where you are, or what the correct response is - Why do people struggle so much to tell you the truth? Truth is a gift, no matter how cruel it may seem.. I value that..

perhaps it's the big things that pervade my world right now that make it so hard to communicate - I could fill these posts with daily grind but there hasn't been time for blogging that.
It was fantastic to get away last weekend, but since then we are back on track and inbetween are all the things you can't plan for, the tears and the laughter too...
it can make you wish for a smooth ride, but when when was that ever fun? I would say when was that true, but guess it is now and again!

Hey a strange phenomenum - my blood results have all gone upwards since I gave up the ongoing daily stress last year...
not sure how the medical world view it, but I think it's great :) a physical response to a situation, now reversed, although I honestly thought I was coping ok with it back then... very odd...but pleased I am feeling good and am ok now.

Despite the tears - including the recent death of R juniors coach aged 37 - noone should die so young, an amazing man, so lovely, and such a fantastic influence in R's life and mine too - we are looking for the positives, the things that give us hope, the fun things in life.. perhaps more so because of someone elses life cut short.

I am loving my new job - working hard and finding my feet - creating my own space and my own niche.
After Tuesday I will be around - I plan to have my camera back with me and some head space.

I didn't think I would miss this space I call my own, but I do, and I'm not sure it would matter too much if noone visited, although that has an effect ~ I would still want to write (when and how exactly did that happen????)

Thank you to those who still pop by - I do appreciate it :)

xx

New days...

It's a new day, and I guess last night will be one of those moments many people won't forget, where they were, and who they were with while the American election was taking place, and the moment they heard the results.
Such hope and expectation tied up in a moment and a choice, and then there comes a time when walking the walk becomes a reality from talking the talk... not an easy thing to do.

How can we know the significance of our choices and how they may shape lives...? I find that a huge thought generally, and have rarely been as interested as I was yesterday to see how things worked out.

Change and possibility linger and give strength to hope and belief perhaps.

On a slightly separate note and thought ~ yet still related in my brain

I have just been over at Liz's blog reading her diary of her time in Palestine, the same trip big John and same harbour, new shelter were on and have been writing about. I can't imagine what it is like to visit, let alone live there, but need to hear their stories to make it real, and I want my children to know about them too. Stories and experiences need to be shared, need the cold light of day, as shocking as they are.
Either I have been deaf and blind, not in the right place at the right time, or just totally unaware, or alternatively it could be that the information isn't being made accessible enough to every day people, but I knew relatively little about this until recently. Until then it had never featured on my information radar and yet I still know very little, despite reading here and there, and trying to keep it as simple as I can for easy absorption and to make it easier to relay to others in the family at some point.

Information like this needs to be a part of education as much as anything else is.
Information and awareness, which may somehow bring about change...possibly, somehow.

I'm pleased they are writing and sharing their images too, they are worth a look.

Today is a new day with a new American president, and tonight there are fireworks which are totally unrelated... It's a good day - a new start perhaps...lets hope

Impulsive and decadent

Slightly impulsive, a bit decadent, on a whim, and in response to a party invite, we jumped on a plane and caught up with some friends we haven't seen for about three years, aswell as having fun with new ones...

drinking and playing with sparklers.

It was a whirlwind, but excellent fun and to be recommended. We left the children behind and so could party without feeling responsible...

Stepping out of normal life for even a day, feels like far longer though.

I am tired but revived.

We did come home to some sad news, which was totally out of the blue, but still it reinforces the need to take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want to do sometimes...

People

I have a much welcome day off today with plenty to fill it.
I so want to catch up on reading that I haven't got around to, people I want to give time to without feeling I have to rush off, but that may have to wait until this evening...

I mentioned in my last post two blogs from people who have just returned from a trip to Palestine with stories and experiences to share. I know the links were quite a way down the post, so here they are again - Big John and Paul, it is worth clicking their way.


Life at Rainbow dreams continues much as ever.
Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but hugely consequential for those of us who live here.

I am mid way through my teaching qualification that I am studying for at night class. I have completed over half the written assessments and in just under two weeks I will have my practical assessment, after which I can relax a little about it all....I will be able to get off this hamster wheel once in a while and catch the news on tv and not think that working till gone 11 every night is normal!

The last night class was extra fun as I ended up in a group with a friend from school days - we both went out on a blind date together back then, and have been good friends ever since.
Lessons are lightened somewhat by meeting up although I am sure we weren't this disruptive at school.
However, amidst the (much) laughter and silly comments and innuendo - and egged on by the boys in our group too...who were far worse than we were, we did finally complete our task to design a lesson plan to teach someone who has never seen one before, to ride and maintain a bike.

I am appreciating meeting up with K, reconnecting and catching up ~ I wonder if I value the lessons for that reason as much as their intrinsic value to the course.
It also makes the lessons go more quickly, and makes the dryness of the essay titles slightly more palatable somehow.

I do love the idea that learning should be fun, not something we were familiar with back then!
and I shall try to keep that in mind as I write my next assignment later on today - at the moment my mind is blank!

Sometimes our worlds become insular, I am feeling that at the moment - it feels like I am being very selfish, that I don't have the time to spare for other people as much as I would like.
I know it's not a long term thing but it bothers me, soon I will have more to give, more to say, I am enjoying where I am, mainly that is... but so much gets a superficial taking in and filing 'for later digestion'.

Oh there was a very special moment I can share just before we went away... through the magic of macs and ichat... all my magic moments are around people ... the wondrous Jayne of Journey through Grace, one of my first blogging friends and I, finally met up and spoke face to face and our families were able to meet across the oceans that divide us.... it shall remain one of my highlights for a long time :)

No I am off to sort mountains of paperwork and make a start on my essay,
whilst pondering the bigger things in life

oh and talking of bigger things, I did rather like this post today from typewriter Kate.

Holidays and conversations - please click on links, x

It’s the end of our holiday, and we have walked back down the hill ready to wait for our taxi at 1am. Middle of the night flights add to the sense of adventure ☺
I am surrounded by three sleeping bodies and silence apart from their slow night time breathing.
It is still warm and balmy.
The widescreen tv sits looking at me, a wonderful decorative piece of engineering and a large black box with some tiny speakers next to it…neither of which works, the tv because of some fault and the speakers because they aren’t connected to anything.
The only place to access wifi was at a cocktail bar at the top of the hill (oh what hardship!).
Mobiles have been slightly dubious ~ I called my son, who was out of sight to see where he was, and a greek sounding Cypriot man answered! Fortunately when I did find him he was safely with his Dad, so the mystery of the Cypriot answering his mobile number will remain unless there is something I don’t know.
We have all struggled to adapt to not putting toilet roll down the toilet, but in the bin next to the loo, but on the other hand have found it exceedingly easy to adjust to the slower pace of life, at least in the short term.
Back though, to the isolation from tv ~ even dvd’s proved a slight problem, although the mac did save the day when the dvd player gave up half way through a film we were all watching…
and the absence of the internet as a distraction.
Oh and there were no board games either…

so just us and a whole island to explore ;)





Which meant we actually had to spend time with each other, communicating and being with each other…all of us…which isn’t really such a hardship, apart from ordinarily we break it up with the distractions we just didn’t have here. We do enjoy one anothers company and it is a luxury to find uninterrupted time as adults to talk at leisure about anything and everything.
However, it is also apparent that hormones are surging and raging through my children at the moment and the importance of chill out time and space has never been more evident. Thankfully there was a swimming pool within the complex very rarely used by anyone else but us (we didn’t take it personally) and so chill out time could be just that!

As I watch them sleep now I remember some things that have hit home this holiday. My heart still surges with love when I see them even though I am turning grey and I frequently feel like tearing it out in desperation
There is a slight consolation and some solace from the fact that apparently T’s Mum says exactly the same things to him about the same things…according to R that is…so I’m not alone and also apparently not quite as creative in my responses as I had hoped!

However, and I know it sounds daft, but so often I have reminded myself that, as far as so many things go, in fact this is it, the here and now…there are no second chances, well perhaps there are some, but there is no going back and redoing it over again, which brings things sharply into focus whenever I am drifting off.
Reminds me of how precious this time is with these very special humans who have been given to us. Too true it goes fast, too damn fast.

So when they want to jump in the sea with me I’m going to do it…and the other various things they want us to do with them…it feels a bit like we’re on limited time, when perhaps we’re not really… but just in case I’m not going to risk it.

We didn’t find Aphrodite but we did find the donkeys… all the way to Cyprus to feed donkeys?!



At least we could feed them and see them… I wasn’t sure that turning up at Aphrodites pool and telling the kids they couldn’t swim in it would go down too well.
I was slightly disappointed too – apparently you come out of it ten years younger ☺

We have had adult discussions, grown up ones about various subjects, time to let thoughts and questions be aired and taken seriously. I’d like to think we should have more time like this at home and not have to wait for holidays to do this kind of thing, but home is busy busy busy….full on, far too full on but there never seems to be a let up on activities that fit in around homework, and so space like this is indeed a gift.

Time to think about the important things to us and this family, and also to consider other people, what they are doing and where they are. What it is like to live as another person in another place, another situation.
Blogs we have checked as soon as we have had internet access are those of Big John and Paul who are out in Palestine right now and who will have stories to tell and share when they return, of humans just like all of us.
We have talked about things, realised areas we are so ignorant about and promised the children we will search out answers to questions they ask.
They need to hear the stories just as we do.

My family is growing up… what we say and what we do make a difference…in so many areas… It is important to find time to talk and do things inbetween the usual football and dancing and homework routine…
Tomorrow is school and work, normality returns, I hope we can mange real life inbetween and not become too narrow in our own worlds

Homeward bound

Am about to fly home.. a week without wifi and no tv or dvd either has meant lots of time to talk and discuss and share ideas...
not as bad as it first sounded I guess... though the chikdren don't get how we could ever come away without phones and the internet and no English tv... devastation!!
See you soon!, x

Small acts, possibility and hope...

You can’t be neutral on a moving train. In this world where the efforts of caring people often pale in comparison to what is done by those who have power, how do I manage to stay involved and seemingly happy? I am totally confident not that the world will get better, but that we should not give up the game before all the cards have been played. The metaphor is deliberate; life is a gamble. Not to play is to foreclose any chance of winning. To play, to act, is to create at least a possibility of changing the world. There is a tendency to think that what we see in the present moment will continue. We forget how often we have been astonished by the sudden crumbling of institutions, by extraordinary changes in people’s thoughts, by unexpected eruptions of rebellion against tyrannies, by the quick collapse of systems of power that seemed invincible.

Looking at this catalogue of huge surprises, it’s clear that the struggle for justice should never be abandoned because of the apparent overwhelming power of those who have the guns and the money and who seem invincible in their determination to hold on to it. That apparent power has, again and again, proved vulnerable to human qualities less measurable than bombs and dollars: moral fervour, determination, unity, organization, sacrifice, wit, ingenuity, courage, and patience.

Revolutionary change does not come as one cataclysmic moment (beware of such moments!) but as an endless succession of surprises, moving zigzag toward a more decent society. We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. Even when we don’t “win,” there is fun and fulfilment in the fact that we have been involved, with other good people, in something worthwhile. We need hope. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, and kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvellous victory.

Howard Zinn

The more I read this the more I like it ...

Shenanigans..

Its half term now for both children, which meant that R wanted to catch up with his friends and so he wanted one of his mates to sleep over. They have had fun, messed around on bikes and done silly boy stuff.. not sure exactly what, but it involved lots of laughing and staying up late.
It also involved creeping outside to play in the garden in the dark after they were supposed to be asleep, the only give away being the noise of bikes landing off the ramp.. yes they were ramping in the dark...
Somehow they don't seem to mind being told to come in... surely they expected that? And the disappointed and let down, I trusted you and you betrayed my trust card worked well...
until it transpired this friend had somehow missed tea... arrived after we had had ours, and hadn't thought to say.. he was fine earlier but now is starving and it's 11.45pm....
after all the various options we settle on cereal.....why did noone tell me cheerios are full of zebedee like zing...or maybe if you're a teenage boy who hasn't eaten and you suddenly refuel you will appear like zebedee after a caffeine fix....
Added to which R is upstairs asleep because he still has to work tomorrow, so it's me who has this to sort out...
Now they have the giggles which I admit is quite endearing.. if only I wasn't so tired, plus apparently it's cool if you are a parent who stays up past midnight for no good reason other than obviously to look after the welfare of your child and his mate, that they wouldn't see as my motive!!
I also admit that I have indeed been up playing and not working - and I should be working, but there have also been late night shenanigans going on to keep me from my studies .
I'm just wondering if I can really use this as an excuse for not getting it in on time!

Rewards

Noone can continue flat out, there comes a time when we ease back... even a tiny bit... and it feels good, blissfully free, that sudden release of tension...
the feeling that makes it worthwhile ~
without stretching that can't happen
The addiction of new challenges, of always searching for something more, of new adventures...
I had almost forgotten how hooked I could be on it till now - how addictive it really is!

Of course there are other rewards too - I had just forgotten this one felt so good.

I have a respite from all the hard work, just for a while and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts :)

Randomness...

that may partially explain the lack of coherent blog posts lately :)

R jnr is back from the schools football tour victorious, with scores of 9 nil and 7 nil, but having sustained yet another injury - I fear this is the start of a long relationship between us and physiotherapists...where rest is likely to be the most difficult instruction to adhere to!

Fortunately the hamster escaped massive infection, is still alive and there is evidence to support the fact that he has been picking his scab!!! Naughty hamster... but not a lot we can do there!! Did Blue Peter ever have hamsters and were there ever any sticky back plastic accidents with them? I wonder...
I never knew hamsters could pick scabs.

Yesterday, with dinner guests expected in less than four hours, it seemed the most logical thing (to one member of this family) to start to pull the kitchen apart and try to put it back together... and
considering as yet we have nowhere else to eat other than the kitchen, I was naturally a little perturbed.
However, in true makeover style, with minutes to go, it all came together :)

I adore the fact that since S started to learn the piano we are treated to live recitals but am starting to wish she wasn't quite as diligent in her practice, especially when I am trying to get my head around various legislation relating to work and issues of equality, diversity and inclusion... which I failed to submit in time last week and the days are fast running away with me this week!!

It hasn't happened in a (long) while, but I had a vague flutter of excitement on hearing about a new priest who is presenting things a little differently. We have been 'bad' people and not attended for some time, for various (always legitimate) reasons.
I am sure there will be some reaction relating to this within those who attend regularly, but am curious to experience for myself.... a fresh approach, a new presentation, a new way of relating...
and as ever I am pondering on how much the presentation is so very important on how the information is received and made relevant. We will see, and perhaps make a few people happy in the process. Who knows where it might lead..

I also now have an ever increasing ironing pile, and several movies I am waiting to watch...if only there were a few extra hours in the day, or if I could learn to function on less hours of sleep per evening.

I live in hope :)