3.10 pm Saturday

Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently

I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(

They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.

R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.

We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....

Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow

People who leave footprints...

Not sure why, but this guy is in my thoughts today..

I was 20, living in Clapham, working as a nurse, travelling on the Northern line tube into work sometimes very early, and often returning late at night. It was on this commute that I met him. I'm fairly sure his name was John. I knew him for the best part of five years, but you can know someone and not really have to use their name.

He'd always say hello and we'd talk, catching up on how life was treating us both. Over time we found out various parts of our history. He'd had a wealthy lifestyle somewhere in Ireland, but it had all gone wrong. He still had family over there, but wasn't in touch. He'd struggled with alcohol and drug addictions but was clear of them for most of the time I knew him. He sold the big issue and slept rough much of the time. He talked about his sadness, we shared lots. He was a friendly face, a warm heart. He was a point of safety too, looking out for me on the way home, especially at night. He was a friend.

When I met Rob, he became Rob's friend too. Rob would wait for me so he could walk me home after a late shift, and I'd find them chatting.

Then we moved up to Birmingham.

Now I haven't got a clue where he is or what he's doing. I think of him fairly often, and if we're in London and pass through Clapham Common tube I always look out, half expecting to see him.

He was important in my life then.

There's nothing pressing I want to say to him now, I just can't help thinking.

Wondering and pondering

The week started here after a couple of days off, refreshed and with a few more jobs crossed off the to-do list. Still no need to wear socks or coats even. A good mornings work and a full hours workout at the gym, with plenty of time to reflect on anything and everything.

Today it was mainly about all those whose days are shaped by the results they receive within the hospital.

The good news and the bad news.

As I'm going about my normal day some people's lives are being changed radically and all those caught up in the ripples will feel it too. Sometimes that seems such a huge concept.

I'm always astounded at how much a simple "how are you feeling today?" can reveal.

So many people just want to talk, want to tell someone, even though that person might not be able to actually change the situation.

So, pondering, kind of praying, wondering if praying really works, but thinking anyway and pondering some more. Wondering if the gym is really the place to be pondering and wondering and kind of praying /thinking these things, but they're occupying my mind. Then it's off to school.

The day starts all over again when I pick up the children - full of their day, how exams have gone, all the details that make up and colour their time away from me.

In with this information was a snippet from R that didn't add up.

We were reminded yet again, that as so often happens, for some people it's not what you know, but who you know, and sadly how much money you have and how well thought of you are, what job you do, what you wear, what car you drive, and more than that, it's who and what your parents are.....

I know this happens, but I really, really, dislike it, and when things like that filter through and have an effect on my children, I get mad, and sad, and hurt. More so than if it only affected me.

I wonder at how hard it can be to bring a child up to believe in themselves when society can be so reluctant to see past the trappings of life to the value of the person underneath.

Fortunately he is fine with it, and seems to have far more of a balanced perspective than I had initially had as a protective mother.

The twig in silver

So, the twig is now cast and needs work to tidy it up in places.

It's far too heavy for any jewellery I can think of, so perhaps a smaller twig needs to be found for that purpose.

I do like the transformation though.

It's very tactile, and I love the shapes and images that were hidden in the wood and enhanced by the cuttlefish in the casting process.

Are there two people or three in there?

Exposed

I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.

I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.

However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.

So.... deep breath

K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"

Little R " a few"

K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"

Little R " I don't think many people do"

K "do you?"

Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"

K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)

* K finally tells the truth *

Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"

We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....



The moment had come and gone

Breathing again...

Its crisp and cold here in the mornings, yet so clear it makes me want to breathe extra deeply.
When the sun comes out it is breathtaking.

The evenings feel similar. The other day the moon was hiding just behind a cloud, and Sam and I really did see the silver lining(s) in the cloud..... they do exist!

If we'd had a camera at that moment, I'd have taken a photo, but I can't help thinking some moments are far better experienced, absorbed, internalised and appreciated in their entirety, for what they are, instead of trying to capture them on film and missing the essence of it.
I have struggled with this too when I watch the children in various productions, though fortunately someone else is normally recording an event if it's important.

There's a momentum building again in R's art work, with some very varied possibilities and potential exhibitions ahead.
This brings with it a whole new energy and feel to the house, and has an effect on everyone. It's as if it breathes a new life into the place - works in progress and new ideas being formulated and discussed. Its also a reason to get out and experience anew, wonders of nature, that require nothing more than for us to just step outside.

We don't need a reason, but I know we do it more when we have one.
His work envelops us all. I've noticed there is a different kind of calmness when we have art permeating our lives, in whatever form.

For now I'm breathing deeply and enjoying the shift thats occurring.

Laughter is the best medicine?

Not sure how to post 'you tube' clips, but this made us laugh when Richard found it :-)

Sifting through the oddments

It's not that there hasn't been anything to write lately, it's just that life overtakes thoughts, or at least the coherent ones, and it's far easier to read others' than to organise my own.

Just before half term, my car had a close encounter with a wall, so it's in being mended and I'm now running around in a lovely manual car from the garage whose horn sounds just like Noddy's!

Once it's all sorted we will be looking for a new second hand car - I have no idea why I let myself be persuaded into buying an automatic car in the first place.

We're building up to my Mum going in for an operation on her foot later this month, which will render her non weight- bearing, on crutches for six weeks, all over Christmas, New Year, her birthday and my Dad's birthday.
Losing her independence like this, albeit for a restricted time, will be hard for her but will no doubt send ripples outwards and have an effect on those around her.
Navigating the whole independence/dependence mine field is tricky, whether it is from my relationship with my parents, my children, or my work colleagues. When the balance changes from the norm we are used to, it throws up new challenges for everyone involved.

Health issues have been uppermost too since one of my best friends has been concerned about her daughter, who is the same age as Sam, and they are now waiting for results of scans to see what it is, and how best to move forward. It's been a long wait, and if it's seemed long to me, it must have seemed like eternity for her.

Christmas is being pushed at me against my will, but then I have missed postage for Australia apparently ( note in diary for September next year!) I am finding myself getting extremely irritated that shops are playing Christmas carols when we haven't even got to advent, we're hardly into November and not even past bonfire night. Does it really encourage sales figures? perhaps it does and I forgot the true meaning of Christmas lies in maximising profit.

However, it's not all dismal - the bright crisp weather is holding out as if in eager anticipation that one day I will make it out to start putting the garden to bed for the winter.

Little R has football trials tomorrow for the under 11 island football team - excitement to balance his revision and work at school - exams in a week's time

Sam is preparing for a dance festival in the new year, and I now have hundreds of sequins to stick on her orange tutu....... orange! at least it's colourful :-)

and I'm starting to think that the most difficult initial part of this transition period from one job to another is coming to a close and now its about keeping the momentum going that I've been striving to build up...

It's been hard but it's getting easier.