Summer loving

We came back from Greenbelt and hit the floor running.

I took down a post about heart shaped plasters...I wish heart ache could be mended that easily.
The feelings are real whatever age you are and friends have been a godsend, quite literally. I know over time my children will have their hearts broken more than once, and a part of me wishes they were the ones doing the breaking instead, but thats not how it works!
There are no words to describe the pain of seeing and being with someone you love so much and not being able to take their pain away. No heart shaped plasters in the first aid kit, just love...

In other news we have also hung R's exhibition, an eclectic mix of work, that caused quite a stir and much discussion ~ something I think art should do.
It was quite amusing to listen to various reactions to some of his pieces.
I am overloaded with photos right now - need to sort them out.. and it's late so the exhibition post will have to wait for another day :)

Love the repeats of sex and the city on sky....perfect to chill out to and send me to bed happy.

And in the background still the drip drip of Greenbelt moments and feelings being processed...and talked about (must have been good to keep lingering!)

Percolating reflections

Julie Lee, Beth Rowley and 'Foreign Slippers'

We have finally landed back home after our first ever trip to Greenbelt.
There are many thoughts and feelings floating around my head about it.
The two things people have been asking me are "have you enjoyed it?" and "what were your best bits?"
It would be easy to just say yes, I have enjoyed it, which would be honest and truthful and to pick out perhaps the obvious acts or speakers which were especially good.

However, I'm not sure that that would even scratch at doing justice to it.

A bit like percolating coffee, it is going to take a while for the full flavour of the experience to be appreciated, and it has as much, if not more to do with the 'moments' that happened along the way as it has with the more obvious.

I was very struck by the fact that Greenbelt is different things to different people fulfilling different needs on many different levels. A complex formula that brings people from all walks of life and from all corners of the globe together - even on the way home on the train I was chatting to a pastor from South Dakota who comes over especially to revive and refresh.
It is a uniquely individual experience, which was so clear in conversation with people we met along the way, who shared tables with us at the beer tent, or who we just found ourselves next to. Even just observing the vastness of the site and the numbers of people and the individuals that sat listening in many different ways to the many good talks or performances that were on.

I had no idea what I should expect and instead decided to just go, and let Greenbelt find me.


Within that vastness I was conscious of a feeling and awareness of solitude aswell as of connectedness, and there was a sense that perhaps it held the possibility to be quite lonesome, maybe... apart from the fact that somehow it wasn't, and somewhere in that lies the distinction between solitude and loneliness.
And for me there is a shift somewhere within that, that occurs on a deep and personal level whilst quietly absorbing the words and the music and the atmosphere, as the initial euphoria settles and the grass turns to mud, and the rain falls, and the festival is there waiting to be discovered, tasted and savoured.

So, knowing I have only tasted, knowing I was only ever going to taste a small part of it I am savouring the small moments as much as the big ones. Perhaps thats the draw, the sense that there is far more to be savoured, that you only ever get fed a fraction of what there is on offer - and if what you taste is good, you leave wanting more. All four of us would like to return, have been left tired and satisfied yet still wanting more. And so we will.

Children were very much a part of it and very evident - whether it was tiny tots dancing freely close up to the stage to wonderful music, or splashing in the mud while Beth Rowley sang Angels flying too close to the ground.

I missed people I very much wanted to see, yet in the waiting for a bus that failed to turn up I made some wonderful connections and shared the ride into the festival with the lovely Julie Lee, which just wouldn't have happened had I not been delayed...she was wonderful, but then so often we would wander into the performance cafe to find yet another gem of a musician previously unknown to us. There were only a couple of things I turned up to that just weren't quite my cup of tea but judging by the numbers there they obviously were someone elses, and so we moved on to another tent, another opportunity.

Very very personally Brian Houston managed to touch something very deep inside with his music, which led to some emotional and hard conversations initiated by my son about his twin who was miscarried - noone said moments had to be uplifting... they are what they are, and it facillitated conversations that couldn't be contrived, or planned, they had to happen naturally... and I am grateful for that opportunity.

There were several tearful moments for various reasons throughout the four days!

However, over the course of the festival there were also the wonderful and uplifting times, including meeting people I have only ever heard about or known through the blogosphere, putting faces to names and managing to spend at least some time with them. A text from the lovely Caroline made my Monday morning, meaning that although she couldn't make it in person, she was a part of it too. Even after the day's festival had come to a close there were more people to meet and share time with into the early hours in the hotel bar. A people filled incredibly special time all round.

One of my most beautiful peaceful experiences though was probably in the calm of a place called 'the Hub' listening to wonderful poetry by Padraig O Tuama as the festival was winding down.

I wish I had seen Pete Rollins, Ikon and Philip Yancey, oh and David Dark, he was there too and I did want to see him, but they are only names I know and had planned on seeing - I got much from those people recommended to me by others as our paths crossed and have to be content with the promise and the hope of another year.

The talks can be downloaded which is fantastic.

The experience is individual and unique.

Already life here is back to full speed and meanwhile in the background the thoughts and feelings, like good coffee, continue to percolate and infuse with a warm, rich, invigorating aroma and taste that I suspect will be felt until next time.

The sun above The Jesus arms

Flying

Flying off for a few days of fun to a place I have heard so much about but think I need to experience for myself!

see you soon, x

Twelve o'clock, midday, fourteen years ago I married my very best friend, who is also the other half of my team, and my soul mate, and we began a new chapter together. It was a wonderful day, with family and friends.

Much has happened since then and our wedding photo is a stark reminder of time, so many have either died or separated since then. Life moves on way too fast, so many chapters in so many books of people's lives.
I'm not a huge fan of anniversaries, or birthdays come to think of it. If I'm honest I'm not really sure what the congratulations are for. I'm not sure what I have achieved. There are many other things I would class as far bigger achievements worth celebrating, but then I'm up for a celebration if there's a reason for one.

Sometimes just getting through a day can seem reason to celebrate, perhaps being here every day is enough reason to celebrate.
Perhaps every day we spend with someone we love and are able to tell them we love them is reason enough.
Just living and loving is enough.
Perhaps that's what my wedding photo is telling me to celebrate.
Celebrating living, loving and being able to share.

It's 12.05, R is judging the childrens art and craft entries at the North show (including the oddly shaped vegetables!!) and we have a full day ahead. 14 years ago right now I was saying my vows, and meaning them, every one.
I'm thankful I found someone to share this wonderful, albeit adversity strewn journey with, and later we'll raise a glass or two over a meal to celebrate 14 colourful years.

Special moments

Some things are designed to melt my heart, instantly.

Such as my daughter skipping up to me saying "Mummy, I'm full of energy and need a hug from you" before wrapping her arms tightly round me.

There is something so, so, incredibly special about that.
I almost have to shake my head to believe it is me she is talking to.

Busy

It's been non stop here since I last posted, the room has been decorated and a new floor laid, I managed a trip to see Mama Mia at the cinema with the girls, our guests arrived and S returned from her week away. Since then she has had a big sleepover party and earlier today a family one to celebrate her birthday.
I have shopped, baked, cooked, talked, drank, cleaned and tidied and when I have stopped I have slept.
On the odd occasion I have made it to the computer I have sat looking blankly at the screen, sometimes reading insightful and interesting posts, but mainly looking blankly.

Too busy and too tired to process, but still able to function..
and it would seem, still able to play monopoly till far too late!

I am however, really looking forward to sharing time with S taking photos since she has been having fun creatively searching and shooting all day with her brand new camera.

Tomorrow I plan to chill out and relax aswell as carry on with more planning and return to some form of exercise as my middle has developed sponge like qualities over recent days.


Am also hoping that my brain will return to processing mode and I might find the occasional thing to blog about.

Until then I will be catching up around the place if and when I get a few minutes to myself, see you around :-)

Easily distracted!

S is still away, R jnr has been sleeping out, we have guests coming tomorrow - a good friend and his family, plus his Mum who remembers me from a conversation we had once in a pub in South London when I was about 19. A conversation I have no memory of, but am vaguely disturbed that it was memorable!
However in less than 24 hours they will be here and we still have colour to put on the walls, a floor to lay, shopping to do - tomorrow is Sunday and the cupboards are bare(ish).
Also true to form I am busy putting files onto memory sticks and writing up lessons that I promised myself would be done before they arrived!
Problem is I am far too easily distracted. Far too many other things I could be doing quite legitimately
blogging isn't one of them unfortunately ;)

and so before I get called away I'd better quit while I'm ahead!

Be back soon

I fell in love...

so fickle, so easily won over, charming shop assistants in the lovely apple shop and I fell in love far too easily ~ desire is dangerous, I now covet a dream.

It's a shame it doesn't fit with the romantic notions of a bohemian, talented, yet (not quite) penniless artist that filled my head and found me (happily) married with two (beautiful) kids

not that I'd change it, but trying to reconcile the two might prove fun!!

still I can dream :)

my new love and desire ~





oh and I'm not a techie person what so ever, but just this once? or maybe not...!
A girl is allowed a few moments of lust now and again ;)

living inside someones head..

Imagination is a wonderful thing
having the confidence to be exactly who you are is too

my story telling beautiful daughter is off to a smaller island than this to stay with a friend for Alderney week.
I have no doubt she will have a fabulous time - well, thats what is planned,
she has made her first flight all on her own, we have had the call to say she has arrived safely, and is off to a party tonight.

her tales of snails and elephants, giraffes and lady bugs that live in her wardrobe precede her and rumour has it they are eagerly awaited by people she has yet to meet

the strange thing is I have yet to hear any of these stories - they are solely for the entertainment of her friends and teachers

I keep asking her to write them down or tell me, so I can, but once told, she says she can't remember them and just makes up new ones.

I know where they live and yet when I look all I see are old shoes and dressing up things ~ no magic hiding place ~ no special kingdom. The magic kingdom is inside her creative head.

I wish there was some way of capturing all this magic for ever

I want to live inside her head for just a while.

so often I'd love to live inside someone else's head for a while.
Wouldn't that be so curious and so revealing?
Can think of many people whose heads I'd like to hide out in, for different reasons.

I'm going to miss her shining light this week, her hugs and her kisses and her friendship.

I wonder what the menagerie will get up to while she is away... :)

Thoughts rarely come from nowhere

A post from mmp, about how people don't just touch your lives as they pass through, but actually leave something far more permanent in our lives, left me thinking about a young girl just a year or two older than my daughter is now, who I looked after on the cardiology and coronary care unit while she waited for a heart and lung transplant.
I have a lovely photo of her and me together on a night shift just before Christmas; lovely because of her smile - the times she didn't smile were few, despite her symptoms. In fact all the family remained cheerful and appreciative of the care she was being given and optimistic regardless of their situation and the fact their hopes had been dashed on more than one occasion.
When I left the unit they were still waiting.
I never knew if she ever received the transplant she needed.
Her life was dependent on someone dying - I'm not sure how you ever really get your head around that one.
Their destiny as a family was dependent in lots of ways on another person.
It was, as it has been for so many people I have known, only perhaps more so in their situation, out of their hands.

I am left with many thoughts and feelings and emotions when I think about transplant situations - they bring up all the big questions, the real toughies that I reckon we all struggle with ; faith, belief, destiny.


There are many lives who have touched mine and whose imprint can never be erased ~ they changed something within me, triggered something, left their mark in some way, permanently.

I hadn't planned on working there - it wasn't the job I had been interviewed for and accepted, but it was the nearest alternative to A&E that was available, and it was only going to be temporary (the joys of redeployment and funding issues!)
To be honest I was petrified I wasn't going to rise to the challenge it offered, but actually I loved it while I was there, I learned so much, grew in many ways I had never imagined, and almost didn't want to leave.

I often wonder about how much real say we have in where our lives take us.
We are so often dependent on others, in ways we don't always see.
Strangely connected in so many ways to so many people - over a lifetime that is a remarkable web.

Sometimes we are given an insight into where our lives are going, someone flashes the hand of cards our way for a second, and sometimes we can choose how to play them even if we can't know how that will turn out.

Other times I guess we're left to wrestle with the tough questions and keep trusting, hoping and believing

just like my young friend.

brothers!

Brotherly love ~

"S, I've saved you some pasta if you want it? It's a new sauce, it's really nice...."
so, lured into a false sense of security, despite my peering over her shoulder to see what exactly is going on, she gingerly takes a mouthful...
only to run quickly to the fridge for a large glass of juice whilst in fact being very controlled telling him off
the new sauce..? laced with lashings of piri piri sauce! the toe rag, he knows she hates it hot!!!!




however, methinks he is playing with fire
I'm waiting for her response ;)


I always thought I missed out not having any brothers or sisters ~ always wanted an older brother.
I'm enjoying it at the moment, but then again he's not my brother!!