being needed and being wanted....

I was looking at a photo of the two children when they were perhaps two and three, cuddly and chubby sitting in their pyjamas on the kitchen floor, hair ruffled by sleep, big eyes and soft warm skin asking to be picked up and kissed....
and they would have been happy for that until they wriggled away.

R is off sick again today... this bug is virulent... he wants to be here, needs to be here .. and wants to be close ... just like he did when he was small...
work outside the home wasn't feasible at all then because I was needed here...

needed and wanted....
and I wonder how we know we've done a good job - how on earth do you tell? My Dad always says you can only ever do your best... but what if your best isn't good enough..or it's slightly off course... best intentions and all that, but got it wrong...?
and then we have a friend whose Mum had said that the biggest thing you can give your children is your time...while they want it...and I think perhaps thats true.


being needed and being wanted... those two things that make us feel valued...
perhaps thats the real fear of letting go of them as they grow up - that they aren't going to need us or want us any more...
I'm guessing that they possibly won't always need us...
but I hope I'm always wanted.

Perhaps not being needed or wanted is a fear within all of us, regardless of children,
perhaps being needed and being wanted are in themselves needs... and as we let go in one area we search to fill the gap that is left...

a juggling act of needing and wanting - of getting our fix of feeling worthwhile, of being cared for and loved - all things that have to be given freely and that can't be forced or manipulated...

but that start by us caring and loving and giving and trusting, and hoping that our best is in fact good enough - because it has to be... it's all we have...

just ponderings as I look for somewhere else to hang this photo so we actually get to see it more often.

practicing for later...

Thanks for the link to this poem Jayne .
I have looked for it for a while and hadn't found it.

Hope you don't mind me borrowing it... :) x

WARNING
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

Fridays...

After school on fridays we head home for half an hour and then S and I make our way out to swimming.
Now swimming isn't one of my most favourite activities, although I have found the monotony of swimming lengths alone, in a calm pool quite peaceful and meditative in the past, but generally it's not my cup of tea... lots of things put me off the whole experience, but I know it's important that the children learn how to swim well, and so we go.

I watch for a while and I know I should be a more dedicated parent, but it is possibly the longest predictable half an hour of the week... unless there is someone to talk to, or I can lose myself in a book...
then after we've done the whole shower, dried, dressed and hair sorted routine which takes another half an hour minimum!, we travel onwards to dancing and more hanging around until three hours later we end up back at home.
The whole evening is, at best, tediously drawn out...

It's fair to say I'm not at my best on a friday evening.

However, this friday I watched S for a bit, and then sat watching the other parents taking an avid interest in their childrens swimming lesson - they were either enjoying it, or being far more gracious about it than I am - and I became aware, that in the not too distant future, when we no longer do this, it'll be a part of life I'll miss.

This part of life that I don't really enjoy...
even this is special, and should be treasured...
this time, is time we can't get back,
these things add up to the whole picture,
and perhaps even the things that aren't as enjoyable in life are still worth appreciating for what they are...

It gave me a slightly different perspective anyway...

so we'll see if next week is any the easier for those thoughts...

4.20pm today....

on the way home from school... S took this photo - we went to see if our pebble footprints were still there.. no surprises that they had been washed away.
We also went to clear our heads in the space between day and evening, after school and before homework, to break the intensity and take five...

the sky is rarely less than spectacular no matter when you look at it... one of those amazing mysteries that keeps us pondering.... light and dark, reflections and moods... full of beauty and expression... the unknown...
no wonder it enticed man to want to explore it searching for what lay beyond... and to dream...

and then, literally just behind us, in a totally different, contrasting scene, the moon was already up!




By the time we had arrived back home the scene had changed, the light had dimmed and we carried on with our evening activities... just a memory, bar the photos.... fleeting.... it would be sad, if it wasn't for the promise that the dawn will bring with it yet more beauty....
am pleased we stopped to absorb...

Keeping out of mischief...

There has to be more to life than working - that is until I find myself in a job doing the things I love again, things that matter to me...
so aside from work I've been keeping myself out of mischief...

nearly all the Christmas cards are made and soon I'll feel kindly enough towards them again to consider writing them... for years I have promised myself I'l be more organised and maybe even write properly to some people I never get around to writing to....

not sure how far resources will stretch to presents this year - we're also looking at R junior having seven teeth out under general anaesthetic before Christmas which makes me feel incredibly responsible, scared and stony broke in anticipation (orthodontic work has to be done privately and is costly, but makes long term sense as it's functional and not cosmetic ) ....
I'm not liking the number of times I am tempted to blog about dentists... must mean they have far more of a presence in my life than I'd like...

we've been busy collecting corks from friends and restaurants for a cork board which is about a third of the way finished and looking good,

there's been more playing on the beach time - at the weekend we took the children down and made long lines of footprints across the beach in pebbles... which got me thinking about words and how words find you at the right times sometime... books and poems that speak to one person at a particular time... I remember how much comfort my Mum got from the footprints verse years ago and likewise there are words that mean lots to me and doubtless everyone has things that mean something to them...
what makes us race through somebooks and yet others can drag on for ever...?
lately I've been racing, absorbing words and thoughts and feelings...

the garden is calling as is the ironing pile... and domestic chores wait patiently... far too much like work really...

Nature's lace...

treasure at the edge of the path...

The wonder of nature has always amazed me, such detail and intricacy, and as long as noone tramples it, it will only get more beautiful and fragile... .