Looking up

Am feeling much better.....

helped in a small way by a few things ~

A thank you card we received today, totally unnecessary, out of the blue, from someone we met in the middle of last year.
Thank yous are always lovely to receive, but even more so when it's not expected and when it's for something very small. The timing was excellent too - some people seem to always get it right..... I don't, but this was perfect...

I was also dog sitting for my Mum - the dog rested in her bed, and I rested on the sofa.... she has an uncanny way of just knowing, picking up on feelings and emotions, I remember that from our dog when I was growing up too.
Added to that I finished two books totally unrelated to work, enjoyed the calm of their garden, relished the peace and quiet, and just being in my own space - wonderful.... :)

It's viral......
the diagnosis that covers all ills that can't otherwise be explained - fatigue, headaches, nausea, feeling like something dragged up on the shore... that can't quite be shaken off.

Rest and fluids, three days off and hope that finally I'll be back to 'normal', or at least functioning properly.

I don't remember seeing a colour image of a virus before, this one is polio, but google tells me that many are just as beautiful :-)
Reminds me of a gobstopper type sweet that looks tempting but tastes awful
Pretty on the outside but not so great inside....
or a particle from space.... I can see it as a sculpture, or part of one..

Whatever it looks like though, I'm tired of it, when I'm not dozing, I'm too tired to read for long, bored by daytime tv, not able to concentrate on work.......
A whirl of things going round in my head.

It's really not convenient to be ill right now, but it's never going to be convenient....
and I can't remember the last time I was given, or gave myself, permission to just look after me, even if it is only during school hours ....
so it's time to let go and go with the flow for a while...

Not quite bayw*tch....

Riding waves seems to be the theme of the week....

Given the weather lately, the surf was looking good, that is from the safety and warmth of our house, or even from the car....... dramatic, stunning, wild, untamed, spectacular....

Freezing and dangerous also spring to mind....

However, it would appear that some people are blessed with less sensation in their body than me and jumped at the idea of spending two hours in ice cold water trying to stay upright on a surfboard... at one with nature, battling the elements......

S and I watched from the beach to start and then retired to drink hot chocolate and coffee and read our books until the boys had quite finished.

I have to admit it did look like fun if it had been a blissfully hot Summer's day.....

but it's the middle of winter....

Growing up...

Outside it's sunny again, and I'm recovering from a sickness bug that brought me home from work yesterday - I'm never sick, yet since I've been back in the hospital I've been ill twice in a month!!

It also meant we couldn't go out last night, and so I had inadvertently thrown cold water over little R's initial forays into girls ....... nothing like a meddlesome Mum, even when she doesn't mean to be....

He's been very forgiving, although even he could see I wasn't well enough to go, and is very open talking in front of us
I think thats good........ I don't really know ........ boys came into the equation a lot later than ten for me..... but I know I didn't talk about them in front of my parents.....

He's waiting for an e mail back from her - how times change......

I wandered into S's room and laid on her bed -
things move forward, I love her room, it's full and busy and pink and fluffy, a nightmare to clean and dust and keep organised, but I love it.

Moments to treasure while they are here........

Update

Big beaming smiles, happy phone calls, tears of joy and of pride - the letter arrived via school, he's in the team.....

his hard work has earned him the sweet taste of success, and an inner pride that will build confidence and self worth

for that I am grateful to football :)

Today I have a whole day off, an opportunity to seize the moment and achieve.....

So what happens? I sleep and sleep and sleep, have very odd dreams and sleep some more, until I really think some of the ideas I've been dreaming about I mustn't forget and I'd better wake up.....

On with the show .....

Football dreams and other thoughts

This morning we had the last selection trials for the island under eleven football team.

We'll find out midweek whether little R is in or out....

The process has dragged on for months now and seeing as it ranks highly on his scale of what is important to him, it's important to us too.

If he's accepted it'll boost his confidence no end - something that we can't have enough of in this house.

However, seeing as there have been so many delays and communication has been scant over the past few months, we've found ourselves preparing him for possible rejection without trying to dampen his enthusiasm or his self belief, whilst keeping it all in perspective....

I guess we're moving from sport 'just for fun' to 'competitive sport' with it's own set of agendas and politics.... oh joy!!

New lessons for me to learn too ~ as a nonsporty child I didn't come anywhere close to this.....

fingers crossed, x

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Rejection and learning to cope with it is hard - some people say you just have to get up and keep on going, but it's not that easy.

I spoke to a friend the other day about school playground issues, being left out, not being invited to join in or be involved.

About how it feels when you have been included and then are left out, losing favour when you've done nothing wrong - how much it hurts us as parents as much as it hurts our children.

I thought about how it happens, even as adults. Perhaps people don't even realise they hurt us so much by their omissions, but it still hurts.

Do we ever fully leave the playground? I'm not sure we ever do...

And do we stay in this one or look for another one?

Rejection when it is personal, hurts.... yet even people who know that pain, still reject others and so it goes...... pass it on....

Just things I am mulling over at the moment....

It was hard but....

I'm back - have had sleep and food and wine and hugs and love.
I'm back to feeling human.

The course was tough, tougher than I'd imagined it could be.
I have worked and studied ~ no time for the gym, or swimming pool, jacuzzi or sauna, no time for shopping....

New information to understand and assimilate, remember, and then time for a few hours sleep before a new lot of information came my way.

I was sure the others on the course had so much more experience than I did.
In the end I'm not so sure - I think we were all overwhelmed by the degree of information and short time to get to grips with it.

The exam was yesterday afternoon, results in a fortnight.....

After delays in travel, I arrived home late last night, all ready to collapse into a warm bed :)
It was an assault on the senses, stretching the grey matter more than it has been worked in years...

In a strange way it felt good to be challenged by facts and understanding.... reawakened the thirst for more knowledge.

In amongst this were people ~ a lovely couple I ended up talking to over supper on the first night as we waited nearly an hour and a half for our food, and who acquired free wine for us all while we waited :), some wonderful hotel staff who made sure I had lunch to take out every day, the course leader who drove around Southampton countryside for ages trying to get me back to my hotel after the first stressful day, and the other girls on the course, one of whom I will meet in February when I go over again...

Today I've been recovering - the reward for hard work, it feels good

Nearly there

It's been a manic Sunday...

Finally I'm all packed and ready, a few bits left to add in the morning.
Money to pick up, and I'll be away.

When I kiss the children and R goodbye tomorrow morning I won't see them till Thursday evening.
I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss them - I've only ever been a single night away on my own since they were born.
That feels weird, and I'm not sure I like it - I still feel like I need them as much as they need me and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

I know they'll all be fine - and I've got some serious work to get on with.
The hotel looks wonderful, and I shall have space to read and relax inbetween studies.

Internet access but no computer.....

Will catch up next weekend,

aurevoir

Things sometimes work out....

The New Year got off to a wobbly start, with the realisation on the way to work yesterday, that I really didn't feel too well.
However, putting it to the back of my mind, and avoiding all food or drink other than water, I was able to keep the nausea at bay and plod through most of the morning's work.
There have been a few times since I started this new job, when I have been taken aback by what can only be called the kindness of human nature and yesterday was one of them. We were busy and already one member of staff down, yet every one of the team helped out when they were able. I felt totally supported and cared for, and was sent home slightly early with an assurance that if I wasn't well in the morning I wasn't to go in.

It is six months since I finally finished my previous job. It was more than a job, it was something I worked for from my heart, I loved it but it was a job for more than one person on their own and I had no one to share it with. Choosing to hand in my notice was emotionally painful and it's been a long recovery.
A much valued service was taken away from people as a result, and although I cannot be responsible for it, I still hurt with that knowledge, and will continue to search for a way around it.

I know I have been reluctant to enthuse too much about my new job, probably because it lacks some of those vocational qualities I've always searched out in whatever I've done previously.
I've wondered where I am going to, wondered how fulfilled this is going to make me, yet knowing on a logical, cognitive level, that it was, as one of my close friends would term it, 'a good call', a much needed change on many counts.

I'm now sitting here, having had 19 hours solid sleep, feeling much better, and am truly thankful that I am in a position, not just doing something I'm enjoying, but where people care about me. That it's not just enough for me to care about others, but that I am worthy of being cared for too. Surely that shouldn't be such an odd concept....?

So far it's been a steep learning curve, with new skills to develop and perfect, but I'm well on my way. Next week I'm away in England to start on the next stage of my training, and looking forward to it.

I'm not sure what the catalyst for change is, but I know life happens regardless of the plans we make.
I tend not to make New Years resolutions, but rather make them up as I go along. This time last year I wouldn't have predicted being in the situation I am in now.
I still have no idea where it's all going to, but perhaps we do really end up exactly where we are supposed to be somehow.

All over so soon....

Wow that was quick... and intense. Tomorrow R is back to work, then the children are back the following day.

They are ready.....

too many late nights, too much staying inside, too much having to be good, watching what they say, too little freedom.
I hate feeling restricted, contained, smothered, other people's expectations.... it's not surprising they don't like it either.

Sometimes the lid has to come off the pot and let the steam out - safely, but it has to be let out.
We all need our safety valve, be it football, dancing, art, music, whatever...

With the forthcoming term upon us it only seemed sensible to sort some essential, and some not so essential shopping.

The children needed shoes, Sam needed some winter boots, and I didn't need anything, but I did find some wellies ...

all I need now are a few puddles to splash in :)