A magical mystery tour

A magical mystery tour,
away from judgement and criticism
on a ship, headed into the distance,
to spectacular, mainly unchartered territory
wild and beautiful
with my children and R, my friends, music, books,
and enough food and drink to last as long as it was needed...


Escape ~
where do you go to in your head to escape, even for a short while?
when you're not focused on what you should be,
when you don't really want to be exactly where you are,
and would rather be somewhere else.

Who would you take, what would you take?
where would you go?
and for how long?

I'm dreaming mine right now....


shouldn't be, but am.
Should be working and focused

perhaps I could just close the doors, unplug the phone and invite those I want to round for a while and chill out with them here instead.

Important, human things...

Important things that have happened my way of late ~

while I was sunning myself in Cyprus, a group of people, including friends of mine, were over in Palestine, and Big John has been busy compiling this from their trip, sharing their story and experiences



As I see it is a preview I imagine there is more to follow.
I wonder as I watch it how many are aware of this, of any of it, in the run up to Christmas.




Wise words too from someone my age, a friend of a friend, with terminal cancer about enjoying every moment with our children and family... because they have cherished the time they have had with theirs, and it made life worth it.

Makes me wonder what on earth I would be thinking and saying if I knew I could have died within hours, yet was saved for a short while, but still there is no real hope of a cure?

All we can do is learn from, and love each other.
I am convinced of that, because there is no way we can beat life, we just have to learn how to live with it, and how to live, as best we can, with each other.




Then there was a moment on friday, when I was sitting nursing the remnants of a migraine outside swimming, feeling down on life and myself it has to be said... and a friendly hand appeared on my shoulder, unexpectedly, a friend I wouldn't expect to see there, who arrived just in time to cheer me and make me feel better about the world...I swear friends are angels in disguise.




And less important in the scheme of life but important to me...
today Father Christmas turned on the lights in town... and S and a friend wanted to go and see him on their own. Now this is in contrast to me letting go :)

For ages I have mentioned, and even quite directly asked S what she thought about it, and what the other girls say, and earlier in the week we went to see the school play in which there was a line or two about Father Christmas being a myth that only younger children believe in...yet not a flicker of doubt crosses her face.. she still insists ~ he is real... insists although I am sure she knows...
what can we do but play along?

somehow she has gained the upper hand in this and we have to carry on perpetrating the myth that we reinforced by taking them to Lapland to meet him
deep in the forest with only a reindeer outside.
If we were doing it, then it had to be the best, the most real experience, and it was :)
Trapped in a web of our own making...!!

Not that I am really complaining... only slightly!

Just loved this...so clever

History

The end of an era is upon us.

From the children being very small Dennis the menace was a big part of family life, he was favourite viewing after school and we spent many afternoons laughing at his antics.
Often I could be forgiven for thinking I had my very own Dennis right here with me!
If R jnr could have changed the bath water with jello he would have!
So when we first decorated his room, he wanted a picture of the mischievous couple on his wall.

However, now it's come to a time when he wants his room completely redecorated, and it's time to cover Dennis over....he still likes him but it doesn't quite fit any more.
Time to say goodbye, to move onwards.
I'm not sure I can bring myself to paint over them completely - we are working on some kind of notice board or something to cover over this part of childhood history. I know we have to move on, but I remember painting it painstakingly and lovingly, knowing how much it meant to him.

It's going to have to be a pretty big board though...

We have the paint all ready for us to begin... just a shame I had a migraine which wouldn't let me start on it today!

thoughts after a lesson...

I just taught possibly the best lesson I can ever recall teaching... and the strange thing is I'm not sure why. Technology failed yet again - so no advance on the 2 lessons so far where I have had fully functioning sound, interactive white board and dvd/cd rom access.... but still, it went well.
I can improvise, and practical demonstration can overcome most things in my sessions thankfully.
Yet I am half wondering ~ did it go well, or did it just go as I had hoped ~ without fuss and disruption!! How do we judge?
I like kids who listen, who can then take on board an instruction and carry it out, who show me they have learned and who can demonstrate an ability to think for themselves too...
the class was well behaved, considerate and had fun, and yet still I come away scratching my head for the answer as to why?
Are we never satisfied???
I would love a simple formula as to why.

I know perfectly well that just because a class is quiet and appears to be focused on the board or on me, doesn't mean that they are learning, they could equally well be day dreaming ( I used to do that one well) and I know that just because someone apparently isn't focused on me but fiddling or doodling, that they aren't learning....I also know that noise and action can signify learning, or it can mean mayhem...

I'm used to them listening, but am also used to them getting so excited when we get to the practical physical bits that they find it hard to contain themselves - they have so much energy that just has to come out.

I am sure that this morning they both listened and learned, and there was excellent behaviour too which made life so much easier... hey Jayne, you're right - it was what I needed this morning! - an easy session :)

So, I now have two things floating round my head... one is from Jeff at 'Sharp yellow pencil' blog, (well worth a read if you have time to pop over) who posted this a while back which has stuck with me ~

that all behaviour is motivated...

and then there is the whole thing about expectation, which says if we expect a certain behaviour from someone, we are far more likely to get it.
That makes perfect sense to me, and in the class room at least it seems to work wonderfully ~ if we expect good behaviour, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, most of the time anyhow.

However, outside of the classroom I find expectation a tricky customer.
We all have expectations, and it's hard enough to live up to someone elses expectations of me, let alone my own of me.
The people I hold closest to my heart are the ones who have never expected any more of me than I have to give at any one time...and I love them dearly for that.

Unrealistic, unreasonable expectations can only lead to disappointment, and yet people persist in making them, often without even asking, or knowing someone, and finding out if they are realistic in the first place.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when, oh look.... there goes another self fulfilling prophecy!

We only ever fail if we, or others, expect more than we are able to give...

and so, in reality we actually succeed far more than we give ourselves credit for.

'cos a status update can't say it all...

snapshots just sometimes aren't enough to tell the story....
It's been dull and windy and wet, an ordinary November day

Scene one: just tumbled out of bed to announcements that the hamster is on the loose again and has decided to live up to his name once more. I place strategic piles of nuts around the place and wait, get bored, I have a shower and find that all the nuts have been eaten...am slightly concerned he has taken them down into the pipework behind the toilet and so return with a carrot on the theory that he would find it hard to drag it into the hole with him and so make it easier to catch him...
I dry my hair and return to the craft room where the carrot is.... finally spot his fluffy body hidden inbetween paintings stacked on the floor and capture him.. he puts up no resistance, is full and content... I note that he has not touched the carrot! Text all family members - R and children that he is found!

Scene two: am now running late to meet my parents at the hospital to get Mum's latest test results, but everything is running even later there; however the wait fades into insignificance when we are told all is clear...

Scene three: I sit alone at home, drinking coffee and digesting the fact that almost for the first time in 21 years we no longer, at least for the moment, have to give headspace to the word cancer... that hits me deep down.
I wonder how often big moments arrive and take us by surprise, and instead of jubilation and champagne, I am alone drinking coffee... normality resumed without question... Big emotions flowing through me, hard to get my head around, and I remembered exactly how solitary the processing of these emotions is.
I wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by people at that point and yet I longed for contact with people, wanted to tell them my news. and yet again it isn't my news to tell. I have been every age from 19 to now this afternoon.
I'm leaving a lot out of this bit here...
it has informed my journey, is a part of who I am, has brought me much joy and friendship, aswell as pain and tears. I am sure I will need it again, but for now it can just rest out of sight, or tucked away somewhere. Parts of it trigger other stuff.. childhood stuff...and for now I am thankful for where I am today, where we are today.
I head out to teach year four children and leave wondering how I can best include a child with physical disabilities in my lesson tomorrow.. it's a practical lesson.

Scene four: after school, all is calm until issues around msn and computers and phone calls and girls crop up... and escalate, attitude and arguments... it kills me inside, I hate this ~ the balance between control and not being too controlling...
you know girls have feelings too??? I thought we did that one a long time ago... sometimes this doesn't sound like my son any more!!
I am rarely the mother I want to be... rarely live up to my ideals...perhaps we never really get it right. I feel bad. I've never been a parent before - and that will be the same at every stage.... we're all learning, all the time, finding our feet together. It's going to be rocky some of the time I guess
I pass it over to R and head out to jewellery nightclass.

Scene five: calm... silver, gold, wonderful amethysts, chatter, distraction, laughter, creation.

and now: back home, almost prepared for tomorrow, the family are in bed asleep, it's peaceful, the clock ticks in the background...
I have some space coming up soon, gaps in the overflowing diary... There will be time to catch up with myself, time for the gym, time to organise Christmas, such as it is this year...

It's been a big day, yet just another day. I wonder at how I have been guided through some really tricky terrain at times and yet I'm still here.. we're still here...

I wonder if I'd have given up on God if somehow we hadn't made it this far...and yet I'm not asking to test that one out! I guess he has his reasons and for that I am grateful. Am grateful for the angels he has sent along the way too...the real live human ones who have been there when I needed them...

I wonder about a lot of things... at the end of the day that is mainly about what adventure lies ahead and what tomorrow might have in store...


So, on that note, I guess it's time for bed, and sleep, before it arrives all too quickly, x

Warmth, comfort, dreams dancing, mesmerising possibilities, prayers...
companionship

log fires are special
and are best shared...
on a cold and wintery evening
I wanted to share mine

x

childhood comfort restored, heart mended

We had some good news earlier... a very special member of our family had been missing for a few weeks now. We had searched high and low, posters had been made and posted around the house, friends had been alerted and joined in the search. S's night time companion, confidante and comforter, duck the bear, appeared to have been lost somewhere, vanished without a trace.

In between various other things I would find myself becoming obsessed over his whereabouts, wishing to goodness he could just speak or that someone would have a clear idea of where he was.
She can sleep without him, but he could never be replaced and once it became apparent he wasn't just left at a friends house for us to collect he was missed even more. How ridiculous, I was getting frantic about a missing teddy... as were half of her friends in different places - it was almost an island wide search!
Anyway, this terrible troublesome bear was only found hiding behind the towels in the bathroom cupboard - put safely so he didn't get wet while she showered.
He is now restored to his rightful place in her bedroom and she slept happily last night with him beside her.

I wish it was always this simple to mend a broken heart... so perfect, so innocent, so beautiful
It gets harder from here on in...

Beautiful...

Just a couple of the songs I've been listening to from a beautiful singer/songwriter.. there are many of hers I am loving right now.

A rare treat, a night in, nothing hugely pressing to do, I have a glass of wine, the kettle crisps are open and what is there on television... football???
It would appear most people including my husband are out tonight so I am alone, both here and in virtual reality of cyberspace.

On Monday night I became aware that I have not only somehow missed the start of Spooks, but we are already several episodes in, and the temptation to start the catch up is strong but these things are made for sharing and so I will resist.
There is time to savour what is good about this.
I have worked and now I have come to a stop ~ although there is more to do I need to be still for the moment, this moment.

I am probably less than half way through a project at jewellery I am already proud of... a glimpse of what the finished product may look like made me very excited!! I find it hard to get my head around creating something beautiful, and so wearable ~ there WILL be pictures when it's done.
I am still loving music back from Greenbelt and someone new to me who came highly recommended, Kendall Payne. I'm also kind of fixated on Coldplay at the moment...marking a moment in time.

I have been so absorbed in study books and work that I now am looking for the next good read, the last good read was 'Girlfriend in a coma' by Douglas Coupland, and I need to search out the next 'can't put down' book for when this course is finally over and done with.
Christmas looms and I am not savouring the prospect of that, but we will cope.

I have been reading various blogs, and thinking, and after the loss of someone who, more than anything, believed in and gave to other people, I keep finding myself thinking that 'we are enough'. That together, we are enough. I am sure that can be torn apart, and yet I think we are....together we can be, we are, somehow between ourselves and our beliefs and each other we find strength and courage and we survive.

How much of life is about survival?
And we live while we are surviving...
and one day we forget we are surviving
and find we are just living....

Within the tribute to R's coach the other day, an avid fisherman in his leisure time, were the words that he always saw himself as 'a fisherman who delivered milk...' and there is something I love about that...living for what he loved.

I need to get back to the gym...need to feel good about me again, it has been too long, it would appear that our team didn't get though the barriers of broadband speed over here to register for the next moonwalk, or it looks exceedingly unlikely, so fitness and inner well being has to be achieved somehow.

It's strange how you get to clock those feelings.. last night I realised I was turning inwards on myself again, too much time alone and working, too much stress, too many triggers from childhood taking effect, listening to the voices that tell you you are worthless and useless, things that become a fabric of our being, and that as adults we can choose to challenge and deny them the power they once held.
When I feel good and feel fit those voices become quieter, it puts me in control of them...so gym is definitely on the list and we may still be surprised and find we have places for May next year in London....oh the golden glow of memories and anticipation...!!!

Thank you for your comments and your patience with my erratic posting, thank you for coming back to visit...it is appreciated and new faces around too :)
I may have rambled, just catching up with myself a bit I guess

and appreciating standing still....

That was a tough week... scrutinised, observed, pulled apart and criticised, not just once, but it felt relentlessly, and to top it all a very hard funeral, a wonderful tribute, a wonderful service, but oh so hard, tears and emotion, energy sapping, so much feeling and emotion crammed into one space, crammed into my head too.

So, I crashed out last night after a lovely evening with friends...drained, worn out, and incapable of processing any more.

Time to take it easy for a while, almost self imposed. That said I haven't even looked at the assignments for this week yet, and I am playing catch up with friends later who I haven't seen for ages. I am emerging slowly and it feels good...necessary even, contact with the outside world beyond aims and objectives and assesment criteria and methods.

Thank God for friends who always have a spare place at their table, a cup of tea or a glass of wine and an open ear or a story to cheer and empathise... sometimes it's the only medicine we need.

loss

Nothing matters,
in a moment, life is gone, cut short,
forever, irreversible,
where to? who really knows?
the pain and the unreality go hand in hand,
disbelief, and yet knowing...

nothing matters, not really, apart from people and love and caring,
small treasured moments
the transparency of honest communication,
those who see straight past our veneers and into our souls, who see us as we are,
those who care, who we love dearly, without condition, without reason perhaps.

what we say and how we say it,
how we make someone feel, by our touch, our presence, our omissions,
All THAT matters, matters a lot,

we remember, not always the words, but how someone made us feel...
kind words, smiles, caring, valued, love lived every day in small ways...

lessons we learn over and over again and still we need reminding

Life isn't fair, life is hard, things happen we can't explain, can't reason
some people radiate love...
they are special,
it's not fair they should die, that they should no longer be around,

hard to accept, impossible to explain
hard to deal with, impossible to avoid

so final, so forever...

no words or quoted passages can reverse that moment, fast rewind...

tomorrow we say goodbye to a young soul who leaves behind a young family and many who thought highly of him...
It's hard, and life isn't fair...

explanations and reasons still don't change that,

tomorrow we face one of our deepest fears, it faces us, cold and stark,
we imagine and we go there, we feel and we are thankful too that we still remain,

and whilst we live, we live in possibility...and love

Under paper mountain

Life... still so so busy..
the assessments have been and gone - had almost forgotten I had a second one too!! Now they have triggered even more work, writing up, evaluating, reflecting on my evaluation...documentation gone a bit over the top, but who I am I to question it...??
will emerge from my paper mountain soon I hope :) once I have finished sleeping - which I will need once this is done, so I am looking for my vava voom which has gone astray..

in the rest of life we seem to be leaving a trail of broken / lost items behind us - which although they are merely items, and I know it's 'only money'!!??? is quite disconcerting and I do just wish that perhaps cars would stop breaking, being scraped, needing servicing and that vast amounts of sports and school equipment wouldn't keep getting lost/stolen and we could just keep hold of our pennies a little longer.. it's getting beyond a joke now...!
That's life though... and yes I know it's only money and I shouldn't mind, and part of me keeps it in perspective and part of me says if only, and wouldn't it be nice.... :)

'In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.'
[Martin Luther King Jr.]

A quote I found myself contemplating during one of my work breaks yesterday, which strikes a chord with me quite deeply...
certainly I have known that silence, a real silence born out of others not knowing what to say, their discomfort, awkwardness with my situation, to the degree I would end up apologising and trying to make them feel better and more able to deal with my pain.... and that was if they were actually there in the first place - if they hadn't abandoned me and cut me off completely because I wasn't in a place they could handle any more. Yet sometimes we need someone to just be with us, sit with us in our awkwardness and pain and discomfort - because if thats how they are feeling, then it is far worse for us in the middle of it, and we need a hand to hold, someone who isn't running away because it is all so scary and horrid and impossible - we need to know we aren't being left alone in a dark and scary place with shadows to keep us from sleeping.

So I pondered it a while and thought I'd post it.

That time was a while ago now thankfully, but it shaped my life ~ you never do forget the silence and I would never want any of my friends to feel that, would go out of my way to make sure noone did.

So, a light hearted interlude from the fourteen hours I spent in relentless planning and essay writing and preparation for tomorrow's assessment, with the odd distraction, even though my attempts to be distracted somehow failed miserably...!

I find that a strange phenomenum ~ that we are always distracted when we least want to be, and not distracted when we would like to be.
Good job I wasn't though - I guess someone was looking after me and making sure I stayed on task and didn't stray too far
Facebook potentially has a lot to answer for.

However, I was good and I achieved and ultimately that will be good too.

My brain ached and my legs were telling me I had stayed in one position for far too long and although I still have more to do there is the glimmer of a finishing post, with a chilled glass of something waiting for me at the end of it, or before then if I am good.

I'm keeping that reward firmly in my mind... and then I will come and visit you all like I have wanted to for ages and catch up and do all the things I have promised myself.. apart from I never do all the things I plan even though I do mean to - like clean the oven and decorate and sort through cupboards and drawers...
And actually the class doesn't really finish until Decemeber.

See you soon, x

Early hours

It's early in the morning.
A lack of coherent words has stopped me from posting - I seem to have been engrossed in a language only known to others on the same course as me, which makes me wonder how valid our course really is ~ just don't tell our tutor!!

I want to write, want to communicate, and there is so much I could say ~
so what is current?

Pip would ask about words to describe my life right now...
tired, stretched, yearning, doubtful and hopeful
what a meagre array of words.. yet when I think about them they are true, heartfelt for many reasons.

True we are struggling with teenage years - that is going to continue for years, and every parent alive will know what it is like to a degree.. they miss that out of parent classes - how to scare a potential parent!!
Yet they also don't tell you the sheer power of a young man's hug and him telling you he loves you and that you are his best friend.
So much I could say to that, but will leave it at the most amazing feeling and life giving force.

Honesty I can cope with - it doesn't matter how hard it is, at least you then know what it is.. deceit and lies are hard - you don't know at all...can't judge where you are, or what the correct response is - Why do people struggle so much to tell you the truth? Truth is a gift, no matter how cruel it may seem.. I value that..

perhaps it's the big things that pervade my world right now that make it so hard to communicate - I could fill these posts with daily grind but there hasn't been time for blogging that.
It was fantastic to get away last weekend, but since then we are back on track and inbetween are all the things you can't plan for, the tears and the laughter too...
it can make you wish for a smooth ride, but when when was that ever fun? I would say when was that true, but guess it is now and again!

Hey a strange phenomenum - my blood results have all gone upwards since I gave up the ongoing daily stress last year...
not sure how the medical world view it, but I think it's great :) a physical response to a situation, now reversed, although I honestly thought I was coping ok with it back then... very odd...but pleased I am feeling good and am ok now.

Despite the tears - including the recent death of R juniors coach aged 37 - noone should die so young, an amazing man, so lovely, and such a fantastic influence in R's life and mine too - we are looking for the positives, the things that give us hope, the fun things in life.. perhaps more so because of someone elses life cut short.

I am loving my new job - working hard and finding my feet - creating my own space and my own niche.
After Tuesday I will be around - I plan to have my camera back with me and some head space.

I didn't think I would miss this space I call my own, but I do, and I'm not sure it would matter too much if noone visited, although that has an effect ~ I would still want to write (when and how exactly did that happen????)

Thank you to those who still pop by - I do appreciate it :)

xx

New days...

It's a new day, and I guess last night will be one of those moments many people won't forget, where they were, and who they were with while the American election was taking place, and the moment they heard the results.
Such hope and expectation tied up in a moment and a choice, and then there comes a time when walking the walk becomes a reality from talking the talk... not an easy thing to do.

How can we know the significance of our choices and how they may shape lives...? I find that a huge thought generally, and have rarely been as interested as I was yesterday to see how things worked out.

Change and possibility linger and give strength to hope and belief perhaps.

On a slightly separate note and thought ~ yet still related in my brain

I have just been over at Liz's blog reading her diary of her time in Palestine, the same trip big John and same harbour, new shelter were on and have been writing about. I can't imagine what it is like to visit, let alone live there, but need to hear their stories to make it real, and I want my children to know about them too. Stories and experiences need to be shared, need the cold light of day, as shocking as they are.
Either I have been deaf and blind, not in the right place at the right time, or just totally unaware, or alternatively it could be that the information isn't being made accessible enough to every day people, but I knew relatively little about this until recently. Until then it had never featured on my information radar and yet I still know very little, despite reading here and there, and trying to keep it as simple as I can for easy absorption and to make it easier to relay to others in the family at some point.

Information like this needs to be a part of education as much as anything else is.
Information and awareness, which may somehow bring about change...possibly, somehow.

I'm pleased they are writing and sharing their images too, they are worth a look.

Today is a new day with a new American president, and tonight there are fireworks which are totally unrelated... It's a good day - a new start perhaps...lets hope

Impulsive and decadent

Slightly impulsive, a bit decadent, on a whim, and in response to a party invite, we jumped on a plane and caught up with some friends we haven't seen for about three years, aswell as having fun with new ones...

drinking and playing with sparklers.

It was a whirlwind, but excellent fun and to be recommended. We left the children behind and so could party without feeling responsible...

Stepping out of normal life for even a day, feels like far longer though.

I am tired but revived.

We did come home to some sad news, which was totally out of the blue, but still it reinforces the need to take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want to do sometimes...