If walls could talk...

We are creating more space in our home...

last year we took back one of our chalets into our living space to use for us, but so far we have only really used one room, a bedroom, which is now our study.
It has taken some time but finally we can get on with making the rest of it our own.

We chose our new paint colours before our holiday and with the beds gone and a few minor plumbing and electrical adjustments we will have somewhere the kids can go and be, relax, chill and have room to themselves. R gets a studio to paint in... and I get the kitchen and shower room at a guess... It's exciting...the changes that is...not the kitchen and shower room....

Earlier tonight though, as I sat in the now semi empty space which was the living room, I couldn't help thinking of what that space has been to so many people over the past ten years since we have lived here and even before then -
a holiday home specifically requested year after year,
a stop gap between homes,
the start of married life,
a trial run before comitting to a relationship...
it's seen single parents with young children and young families with nowhere else to go.
Most recently it was a refuge for friends of ours.

I often wonder the stories different places would tell if only they could ~
so many individuals have lived here...
so many dreams dreamed and experiences lived
feelings etched into peoples memories..

A part of me is sad we're changing it.... space is valuable...
tomorrow it will become space for guests of ours and then, after their stay, it will be ready for it's transformation and take on a whole new meaning for our family...

Solitude...

or solitude remembered...

special moments of tranquility and moments where time slows enough to make sense of the previously incoherent, or to allow for a moment of revelation to appear from out of nowhere - the kind that catches you unawares...

A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...

Our float for one of the summer shows over here is in progress....and from now until then we will spend many evenings making numerous paper flowers... we have plenty of paper to go round all our friends and as the wine flows and the evening progresses the flowers multiply.... we already have thousands but need a few thousand more....various bright colours... it's going to look good :)

However there is still much of the construction of it to be worked on and practical aspects to be considered... which could be why, while we were busy working out surface areas and reacquainting ourselves with Pythagoras theorem and pi from school days, we completely overlooked whether it would, in fact fit through the doors.... until the caretaker thought to ask the question that is....

Of course we should have known better.... having encountered this problem previously with other large structures/ sculptures we have made it has to be one of the main considerations....

Very fortunately we were spared the hassle of dismantling and reconstructing, and a whole lot of huffing and puffing, as we discovered it squeezed through the gap with only a few millimeters to spare...

Earlier today, with R at work doing fun things for activities week that we can't join in with, the three of us headed out and about to find some fun of our own.
First stop and literally no more than a couple of minutes outside our door, were the most amazing colours and space... hard to find sometimes on a small island... a reminder of what it is like to breathe deeply and digest the beauty that surrounds us... the crystal clarity of the blues and greens was stunning... and not a soul on the whole beach apart from a man training his three dogs... we watched for a while and then went on our way, invigorated, refreshed and calmed...
It's hard to imagine the change in this tranquil scene in winter when the waves crash over the shore and drown the place where we stood today... awesome, powerful and beautiful.

Last night our garden and house was full as a last minute barbeque escalated in numbers with friends and their children. We had a brilliant time but I woke up tired and reflective.

There was a dawning realisation that in a weeks time we would be a far quieter household but much more than that, new friends who have been staying with us for the past six weeks will be moving on and we don't know when we might see them again - the future is uncertain.

It's always tough when there are no obvious solutions to problems, no answers, when we are effectively useless, and more than offering the little we have to each other - which can seem extremely meagre - we can only sit with each other and be together, muddling along.
Some days I'd sincerely love a crystal ball, as long as it told me what I wanted to hear of course... wouldn't it be nice if we could see instant replies to our prayers.. though I know they aren't always answered as we want them to be...

perhaps in part my thoughts this morning were guided by the fact that one of R's best friends who had moved away last year was back for the night and the boys all managed to get together - it's hard as R seems to be brilliant at making friends who have to leave this island for one reason or another and noone ever seems to stay put...

I feel for him, for them and for me...

I know we are far richer for the friends we have made, yet we are constantly having to let go ... and I think I have mentioned before that's not one of my strong points...

Still we do have an ever increasing number of people to visit when we do finally make it off this small rock....

It's July - the weather could be described as a tad inclement but we're faring far better than parts of England...

Thanks have to go to my SIL for sending such a lovely scarf to keep out the chills whilst watching sports day which was rained off last week... an apt and appropriate gift as it turns out.
Coffee and biccies for those parents who braved the cold to watch helped enormously...
Colourful comfort at what should be the start of the summer

the backlash of tiredness

I guess it's to be expected...
the tiredness, the attitude...
theirs and mine...
they push
I cope badly
they keep on pushing
boundaries stretch
then burst
I react, shout,
feel guilty...
noone tells you how to deal with 'attitude'...
didn't realise I signed up for this...
but it's too late now.

Escape,
start walking,
leave them with R,
time to breathe,
time to think.
A friend calls..
we talk,
they know what it's like... expect it to get worse before it gets better... but it will get better..
perhaps I'm not a bad Mum
perhaps I'm just human...

Tiredness gets to us all...

back home,
hugs,
apologies...
time to think has been good...


all made up, tucked up
adorable angels with attitude
Perhaps I'll get it right next time...