Just recently little S has been picking us flowers for the house - it's beautiful.
I love the fact that it's a gift she has chosen to pick, with love, more I'd say than the flowers themselves.

12 hours sleep

Bliss..............

:-)

Home sweet home

So we're back, ever so slightly tired from battling flying ants and dripping ceilings, sleeping in sofa beds, on blow up mattresses and bits of foam!

It was, despite the sleeping arrangements, a lovely holiday, excellent weather, am more tanned than previous years and the waterproofs weren't required for once...

Am aware I am tired but can't help thinking that holidays are just a good way of burying my head in the sand ...... no papers for a week, now I am reluctant to even look at the local one - perhaps I'll feel up to the real world tomorrow - or maybe I won't! :-)

Escape

Escaped last night to Herm for some peace and tranquility, a short boat ride away, no cars, a place where we have always felt we could just be us... somewhere where suddenly time doesn't matter, when the kids were little we could walk at their speed, taking time to examine every flower if they wanted, appreciating just being away ~
I step off the boat and as I walk I feel I can breathe so much more freely - there is a peace that comes from within, absorbed from just being there, for me it is magical, and always has been, since holidays when I was small.....

It's not for everyone but time to just be are too few and far between and I treasure the moments we spend alone as a family.

When I was little we stayed in the hotel, after 'A' levels we all crammed into tents and camped, now we stay and fend for ourselves, self catering, in a beautiful apartment, upper keep, as it sounds, the upper part of the keep, just below the flag on top of the island, so when we go outside we have panoramic views of all the islands around.

Sam was 11 months when we first went over and stayed.
They love going so much, and as she said last night, "it's easy really, you don't need much, just your family and friends..."
It really does seem that simple when we're there - one of those moments of clarity that I should hold onto for all I'm worth really - the wisdom of youth too.

We came back this morning for R to play football, and clean the chalets ~ a glimpse of reality I look forward to escaping from again tomorrow ~ I'd rather watch football than clean - and was excited as ever to see little R playing ~ I'm delighted his foot is healing well, it really was a deep hole, and must have been far more painful than he let on ~ anyway tomorrow will see us away finally, for good, on our holiday.

I haven't quite managed to leave the mobile behind, but do wonder if holidays were more holiday like before mobiles...

What the postman brought today :-)

Today we received some beautiful photos of R's sister's baby all the way from Melbourne - only minutes earlier the children and I had been talking about whether we would get any pictures - he was born at the beginning of June, and we hadn't seen a picture yet - though my parents had been e mailed some and we were being just a little sensitive about it all - brings me back to previous posting about families!! However, through the letterbox came a present for Sam - her birthday is looming fast, and some lovely pictures of baby F - am now feeling just slightly guilty for even considering jealous thoughts and feeling left out - patience is a virtue I am sadly lacking in so many situations

And the other news the postman brought was that the dreaded swimming lessons are paying off and Sam is moving up a level - it's all progress - and I am gradually putting my guilt over my failings in the swimming arena away!

The return of the blue plastic!

Summer has arrived in our garden - improvisation rules here - the heat has led to the yearly return of the blue plastic sheet and hosepipe, which frequently turn this part of the garden into a huge homemade waterslide, complete with bouncy rubber rings, sufboards, children and adults!

The only problem is there appears to have been something sharp under a part of it which tore a hole in the sole of little R's foot - not great when he is playing an important football match in 2 days, for which we are actually coming back from holiday for -holiday is only 15 mins boat ride away but still it's away! He'd be devastated not to play - against Everton minis, it's important, ;-)

And finally...

So, finally the last call for support, help, advice has been and gone - I finished my meeting, checked the phone and it's cut off, that's it.... what of the person who is trying to call right now - who didn't call sooner because she was just making a coffee before she made that call......

That is why I am sad, sad that people couldn't see, couldn't hear, didn't listen - and now it's gone.... I pray and trust that the huge gaping hole left that I couldn't totally fill, but something was a whole lot better than nothing, can be properly looked at and filled - am harbouring hopes from conversations I have had with various people about what is lacking, what people ask for...... but in the end it's not up to me completely

In some ways it's a relief after the messy past few weeks..... and I don't properly finish until Tuesday, so can quietly get on with typing and reports that are needed.

It is just........ final

sad but not devastating - I can't get rid of that glimmer of hope that has been there all along........I don't even have a good reason to have it, but it's there, so maybe although this is final, it's not totally over .

A magical mystery tour..

An afternoon spent in my parents garden - a garden I helped plant several hundred trees in when I was about 7 or 8. It's evolved and developed since then - greenhouses have come down, tree houses put up, drainage ditches dug and boggy areas reclaimed as grass. Its a wonderful place with football goals and a trampoline - a garden where children can run and climb and play, and dogs can be free - it's not pristine but is truly beautiful. Last years Christmas tree is growing well, the childrens chestnut and horse chestnut trees we planted from the chestnuts and conkers when they were just born, are now taller than they are. It's peaceful and quiet and great for bird watching.
Today both children happily mowed the lawn under the watchful eye of my Dad - taking it in turns to drive the sit on mower - a practicality with the size garden they have.
Back in their garden I am a child again - the adventures we had as children - discovering treasure - old coins before the vegetable garden was turned into the orchard - collecting all the fallen branches after storms and making dens with them, climbing trees and making tree houses in our minds as we didn't have the fantastic home made tree house my children have now.
There are trees remembering special people - including our dear friend who helped design a garden that required minimal maintainance with maximum beauty - his imprint is all over it... so many plants of significance, gifts from various people
And then there is the old cart - over the years there have been plans to restore it - I'd still like to but do like it in it's old and ruined state........ the places we went and the stories we told sitting on/in that cart....

It is a magical mystery tour - a fantastic way to spend an afternoon :-)

Electrics seriously scare me...

I just thought we needed a new lightbulb, turns out this was behind the light right next to the roof lining - it's only a few years old, and done by a reputable electrician. Few things truly scare me but the idea of a fire in my house, that endangers my family, does........ thank heaven for fuses...

we are very, very, lucky people

Uniforms

Oh for a uniform............the number of times I gained strength from my uniform - hid behind it, looked in the mirror, really looked at me, at my silver buckle gained from years of hard work and exams, at my frilly hat - until they changed the uniform that is!
I took it all in - and believed in what I saw - none of that was given away - I earned it all...... yet still I would wobble - frequently - but I had my uniform to hang on to - something concrete that said I was ok, I knew what to do - and others believed in me because I looked the part ( I did actually know what I was doing - it's ok!)

now there is no uniform, no buckle, or frilly hat (St.Thomas's uniform was priceless!) I am thankful I have a team mate who understands when I wobble, who catches me when I have been unnerved by my fears and am retreating rapidly - who tells me I am ok and sets me right back where I need to be.

Perhaps I'm standing on my own two feet more now than ever before - but I still feel insecure at times, and lonely, and scared at times - what I'd do for a uniform, a mask, something to hide behind - just sometimes!

just now forgive me if I take shelter, away from the world for a while...
theres some persistent battle fire going on, and I'm catching it on all sides...

Rambling again.....

I was watching footage about July 7th last year, and it took me back, not just remembering where I was or where my friends were then, although obviously I did, but to a time when I would have been a part of the emergency services attending those involved...
I was lucky maybe that in my years in Accident and Emergency I was never actually part of a major incident - I missed The Herald of Free Enterprise sinking and the Kings Cross fires during my training and was at the wrong hospital when there was the Clapham rail disaster. However, we were trained for such incidents, and had I been there, I would certainly have been involved.
Now I hear an Ambulance and the adrenaline starts to pump, I hear of major incidents and I want to be there .....

I did let go of it, my life is full and rich, I'm at a different point, I was single then, free with no real reponsibilities to anyone but myself, now I am married with two wonderful children. I have been lucky to have another job I feel strongly about, but that training never leaves me....
It will always be a part of who I am.
Life changes, I think it's a case of letting go, yet not forgetting - something I need to do again - though my ties to A&E are far stronger than to the post I am just leaving........

I think it is true, life does have chapters, perhaps with recurrent themes running through them, but there is something about accepting what has been and not trying to rewrite it over again.

I have an application form on the table - the job I was waiting to be advertised - no guarantees I'll get it - and if I do we're still only half way to where we want to go....
it's a long way removed from A&E, less so from my most recent post, but it would be a new challenge and it would be moving forward ....

Family thoughts

Am thinking if we can manage to negotiate our way around own families then surely we can manage our other relationships? By family I don't just mean immediate family, but the family politics that seem to exist in most families I know - we try to make things as simple as possible, but I can't help feeling there are no more highly charged and judgemental relationships as there are in a family.....

A personal reminder

A timely reminder from a friend that, sometimes, we just can't know what makes someone react in a cerain way - they may be touched by something we don't know, can't be expected to know about, and for me that is important to remember - sometimes we are given enough of the picture to make sense of it, and other times we are just witnessing the effects of pieces we can't see and can feel hurt and take it personally when it's not meant that way at all...

So often our imaginings are worse than the reality ~ how long will I remember this for i wonder?

Letting things be....

And so it comes to a point of acknowledging that sometimes there is nothing more I can do, that I just have to let things be....
That has to be one of the hardest things for me....
but yet it's something I know I can do, have to do, have done before, will do again probably, I don't find it easy, but anything else would either be fruitless or more than that, detrimental ~ it's out of my hands, up to others now....

In more than one area of my life .......

This is the time I find the prayers hardest - wanting to pray for the outcome I want, yet knowing that really I can't be that prescriptive with my prayers!

So onwards with other areas I can be proactive in :-)

Time to celebrate

Would love time to stand or sit and just be - the closest I came was watching clips of Tom and Jerry in class today - three times over!

Calls, lessons, meetings, requests and end of term activities all mean my head feels as if it could explode, but if I lie down I'll just fall asleep......

A day to remember on behalf of little R - he just called to say he has passed his cycling proficiency test :-)
He's been working so hard for weeks - desperate to be that bit more independent ~ though I'm still not sure about alone on roads at ten!!
Perhaps I'm overprotective - no, I'm sure I am - I've been fighting it for years - from the first time he climbed a tree and I was panicking about how he'd get down ~ the slow way or the fast way.

We have a Birthday tea party for our 4 year old guest in the chalet, and then its watching week at dance classes so today we watch Sam in her ballet class

A time of celebrating achievements all round - something there should be more of I reckon

Thoughts..... some positive :-)

Various thoughts coming to mind

Sometimes, it's not until I have shared some of my day, that important things I have treasured are put into words and made more concrete

it was pointed out, that when people who owe you nothing, choose to call, just to tell you that you're doing the right thing, and to be mindful, and it'll all work out, that, in fact it means a whole lot...
So many people have talked to me about faith lately and I haven't objected because it's sincere and not OTT - it is a part of them and it is in context too.

It's something about whats heartfelt and real, rather than about what people feel is the right thing to say.
One of the reasons why my lessons have been so well received, I am sure, is that they are real, and based on real life - information and feedback from families I have talked to - and been with when they have been at their lowest.
I worry about what will happen, or how the lessons might be received, if they are just taken from a lesson plan - but maybe thats because I'd find it hard to lead them myself without the experience....

the nice part of me hopes I'm wrong and it'll all work out fine.... the other side of me doesn't
hmmm.... the point of this was to be positive though! ~

Am reminded clearly that often things come to those who wait - we have had a letter telling us that finally, ( 18 months down the line) Sam will have fresh water available at school, without going to the water fountains in the toilet - clearly in their own time they decided it made sense and logic prevailed :-)

And the little things, like taking cakes in to mark Birthdays, are important to children - even though the Birthday isn't until August!

Am making yet more cakes - it should be on the job description before anyone ever consents to it! I never saw one...... a job description that is!

New music has brightened my day - more to listen to tomorrow - if that was all I took from bloggin it'd be worth it - thanks x (in fact you've given me a whole heap more than that x)

Am off to the cakes...

:-)

Speech day

Speech day, my old school hall, something timeless about being there singing "He who would valiant be"- the school hymn I could sing in my sleep!

My perception beforehand : Sitting endlessly, numb bums, clapping and sore hands...... I wasn't overly looking forward to it

In the end it was probably the best speech day I've been to - the structure of the morning was changed, the speeches were shorter and there was a fantastic slide show playing, of all the children through the year, whilst the speeches were going on........ then the Head teacher of the senior school actually got down to talk to the girls at their level, and told them a personal story that they could understand and relate to - and even remember at tea time, together with the wisdom she was trying to impart!

It was a pleasant surprise, not a wasted morning at all - sometimes just changing a few minor details can make all the difference - hope they remember it for next year :-)