Half naked possibilities...

I want...

Or if it was one of the kids I might be telling them it's not "I want", it's "I would like"

Perhaps that's the problem....

I would like all kinds of things... I could list all the things that I would actually quite like, that would be fun and I would enjoy...
the "I want" is the real inner desire, the driving force, the motivation...


sometimes I think we don't realise what we want until someone shows us what might be possible, reveals to us our own potential...
When someone else validates us and who we are then a whole new realm of possibility can open up... it's not even having someone else believe in you, it's just the seed of what could actually be...
if you decide thats what you want...
but until we know whats there, we can't dream it...

'I want' doesn't always get, but 'I want' might be the first step on a bridge to the next unknown...

sometimes a glimpse of what might be the bigger picture makes sense temporarily...


funny how much can happen in such a short time...

The phone rang shortly after I had got out of the shower this morning, and so although I was half dressed I answered it.... so often I thank god noone can see me while I'm on the phone....
it was someone replying to a message I left on their answer phone yesterday....

and, just like that, there are possibilities and potential ahead... feeding the 'I want' part of me, motivation, drive, desire...

it may not happen, but it might....it could, and it can...
and the more I think about it, the more I want...
things I hadn't considered...
because I hadn't really been aware...

half naked possibilities to explore.... ;)

Today has already become more interesting, more alive and more real...

and that's another reason to thank God too...

"Moon River, wider than a mile,

I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,

wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--

waiting 'round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me."

distracted, and dreaming....trying to write....

about me....

it really shouldn't be so hard.... we should know ourselves better than anyone...

I do,

I think...

and yet when it comes to selling myself, writing it down, I'm tripping up, all over the place...

sometimes the words flow, other times... it's back to boiling the kettle and another cup of tea...

a new song to listen to, another distraction, a fresh piece of paper... stop trying too hard...

yuk...

still the portfolio to go after this.... perhaps I'll save the rambling for that...!

it's no longer good enough to have worked and lived and learnt - it all has to be documented for posterity now too... living, learning, reflecting...

I'll be writing for EVER!

thankfully my hands are now improved enough to hold a pen :)

Not sure what they give, but it's unconditional...

or is it? Is it food dependent?
It could be love, or comfort, or just another living breathing being, being with us and sharing our space, not answering back...

Just pondering on the beautiful non-humans in our lives here...

I was reluctant on the rabbit and hamster front initially, but they are a part of the family now.... and they give something unconditional.... they are valuable, more so than I had given credit for....

do animals have the same complications in relationships and feelings as we do I wonder...?




hamster heaven, but these nuts (from my Dad's tree) are really too big for him... he can manage to get the smaller ones in his mouth though.... :) He is fun to watch, a distraction... and he never seems to sleep - perhaps he sleeps at night when we do...




when I find the kids with the rabbits snuggled into their necks I know they are soaking up the comfort and love and when they don't think I am watching I know they talk to them...
secrets that won't be told...
thats important...

thats one rabbit on each shoulder :)

and this old lady..... fiercely independent but loves to be loved when she chooses.... on laps or in front of the fire... or soaking up the sun on a winters day...
loves to scare S, ever since S was tiny, bramble likes to jump out at her when she's not expecting it.... I swear she has a wicked sense of humour!

And although she is never far away from the rabbits or the hamster, she obviously isn't much of a deterrent as far as mice go!

After a somewhat restless night I woke to discover both hands, wrists and elbows were swollen and painful.... in fact most joints are painful ~ most likely an after effect of a recent illness and rash....
so even dosed with the highest dose of anti inflammatory pain relief I have spent the day unable to even hold a pen properly. I ache and find myself frustrated by what I can't do...

I managed to remove my rings earlier with a fair struggle and can't tolerate a watch on...
Although I drove to the doctors this morning, I gave in and asked my parents to help collect children after school...

I managed to text and have managed short phone conversations...
I have managed to fill the kettle and make a drink, but none of it has been easy... truth is it's still not getting any easier...

My knees and ankles are sore too but they don't seem to be so bothersome...at least I can still get around...
it is frustrating...

even reading isn't easy... I hadn't realised just how dextrous you have to be just to turn a page...
and friday night on tv is hardly inspirational....
I had to cancel my night out too....though I am sure I could have found a way to hold a wine glass!! ;)

I feel well, sound well, just can't do what I want to...

am in need of tolerance and patience and hope it goes away as quickly as it arrived...

caffeine cravings...

Days can start out uneventful...

and then the routine search for vacuum bags can lead onto an adventure I'd rather not have had...

the cupboard half way up the stairs is connected to the eaves of the house and it is packed out with all kinds of spare boxes and bags, wrapping paper and crackers and all kinds of just 'stuff.'..

It is also where we have kept the boxes of coffee and tea sachets since we stopped running the chalets... an overflow where I was sure we also had a spare pack of vacuum bags...

which we did, under the rest of the boxes.... which is when I spotted what I thought might just be .....

mouse droppings....

So then came the task of emptying this tardis at which point I embarrasingly turned incredibly girly as I moved objects to hand to R junior to take to the kitchen for examination....( he goes back tomorrow and is feeling much better! )

There was a moment where I thought I had made a very silly mistake and that in fact it was just a broken coffee sachet....

closely followed by the realisation it was in fact a coffee loving mouse....

a fair-trade coffee loving mouse no less....

and from the evidence I would speculate it must have a very strong addiction...

not quite 'Ratatouille' and not quite the entertainment I had planned for the day!

now we have an empty cupboard and the problem of what to do next... plus I never got that vacuuming done!

disengaged....

Taking a step sideways today..

We are now back from hospital where R junior had seven teeth out this morning....
energy sapped, recovering, watching funny things on tv, soup and soft food...
fire lit and duvets in the living room...
neither of us totally switched on..
incredible how enormous teeth are when they are out... am relieved it's over, he is too...


There are some men and a lorry in the garden - we didn't ask them to come, weren't expecting them... they are over from next door to cut the top of the hedge between us... R was going to do it next weekend but seems they got in first...they have been joined by a second one now parked on the garden... I can't make out what they are doing but it appears they are having fun playing in our tree and on our swing ropes... guess some things are too tempting not to have a go :)

I'm lacking the energy to even go and ask...it's the assumption that they can just drive over our garden without asking that irritates, but it's dry and they seem to be enjoying themselves, so that's good...



It feels like a surreal kind of day...we were woken by the phone at 3 this morning... a new arrival to the family in Australia - a baby girl..., no details, just the news... we'll find out more later...

important happenings in our family each side of the world...

the rest of the world is busy outside, we're busy recovering, recouperating and doing very little other than nurturing each other...

soon we'll be ready to reconnect with the world and come out and play too.

Tonight I am pondering after a difficult day...


To heal, a wound needs time,
time alone with the right conditions...

if it's constantly irritated it will never heal.

Not sure how anyone manages to live fully with wounds from birth that are never left alone to heal...


Talking helps, feeling loved, even if only from a few, helps too.
Friends are invaluable...
doing, being and keeping distracted helps...

to create protection for ourselves, without building walls, so we can still love and yet limit the hurt we feel.


perhaps there comes a time when we have to cease trying to understand and just start trying to live without understanding...

More adventures...

looking skywards

We had more adventures yesterday on a trip around the reservoir...
Drawing, sketching, playing with photographs and having fun...

my two boys are in this one - love imagining life from this perspective

messing around and laughing at each other's foibles.... learning and teaching that it's ok to laugh at ourselves....



Tomorrow the three of us girls are off for a trip away - the three generations on our first girlie break...
It should be good - well at least I am looking forward to it... noone can judge in advance what lies ahead but there is potential... so S is packing and I will throw a few things in later on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a tough time of year...has been for the past fifteen years or so now...
Each year I worry in advance and spend months of energy trying to make it work out ok...
Perhaps it depends on how you define ok...

This year, so far, so good... one day, one step at a time..
There is ALWAYS opportunity for change - always a chance, always a possibility that this year will be the year that is different - noone says it has to be how it always has been...
we keep trying, keep communicating, keep on loving and hoping and believing that it can be different....

You know I actually think it can be... different I mean...
and that thought is good..

and if in the end it isn't, then this bit is different... this is so much better than previous years...

this is an ok I can handle...

this is an ok that is more than just having us all alive and kicking...

this is an ok that encompasses living too...

No idea how long it will last - or if it will... but for now I'm just stopping and appreciating that this is good... :)

Four set off on the trail of a boot...

Over a curry and some drinks we were told of a single wellington boot washed up on the shore, covered in barnacles and seaweed...
we were shown the photographic evidence and have a rough idea of where it is...

and so today we set off to try and find this piece of treasure ourselves, with the aim of taking photos... (of the boot that is..)

Today's big adventure....


First the walk from the car up to the fairy ring...




and then exploring each of the paths to the beaches in turn...








































discovering wonderful places for picnics or for sharing a bottle of wine whilst watching the sun go down...


It was a wonderful adventure...
felt like pirates searching for their stash of treasure...
only to find someone had got there first - either stolen or washed away...
or hidden somewhere else...



our search was fruitless, but enjoyable...




and eventually - very eventually, we made our weary way home....

nature providing the most incredible colours in the sunset...




but where is that boot?...

Random dreams...and new adventures...

What a busy night...
dreams of an ex boyfriend and his daughter (who I have never met!), a huge pot of marmalade made by my aunt, being taken flying in an open plane with little goggles on over a river - I think it was over London, and watching people dressed as glittery wombles, my daughter included, tottering down the high street..and then me refusing drugs whilst sat on a rock looking out to sea on holiday....
sometimes a very small part of it can be explained...spice, the drug, has been a topic of conversation just recently in schools and out...and legal or not, it doesn't sound in any way attractive....not to me anyway...

Dreams fascinate me... mostly they are just odd, I used to wonder what they meant - but now I'm not sure they should be analysed too much... I just accept them as random (very random) wanderings...!

just sometimes they surprise me though - I will wake having written a whole song or poem in my sleep... those are the ones I wish I could remember long enough to write down...
sometimes I have had great ideas - plans for adventures - or projects.
It's incredible how busy the mind can be while it's supposedly resting and in the absence of conscious thought...

When I woke the sun was streaming through the curtains..it is glorious outside...could almost be spring...
some days feel like the start of a new adventure...
they feel like they are just waiting to be enjoyed....

oh and relating my dreams here - that was really just to spare R the torment of me describing my dreams to him today....!

if we have any grand adventures I will let you know too..

Gentleness...

I found this in my inbox earlier today... Henri Nouwen's daily meditation for today..

Yesterday picking up R from school was a nightmare.. cars, kids, traffic, and R not looking where he was going - it was chaos.. he was stressed and I was stressed... I had to shout to him across the car park because there was no way of getting close to him...

Today I met a friend in the car park picking up his son too... a gentle soul - the kind Henri Nouwen talks of here...
He said he had been laughing with his son yesterday watching the scene unfold - R like a headless chicken and me waiting, trying desperately to collect him...
He was laughing in empathy and understanding... he wasn't judging - he didn't know but I had done enough of that myself...
His gentleness was soothing - and calming... and understanding... I felt so much better for it.

Gentleness is indeed a virtue and a gift..



Dressed in Gentleness

Once in a while we meet a gentle person. Gentleness is a virtue hard to find in a society that admires toughness and roughness. We are encouraged to get things done and to get them done fast, even when people get hurt in the process. Success, accomplishment, and productivity count. But the cost is high. There is no place for gentleness in such a milieu.Gentle is the one who does "not break the crushed reed, or snuff the faltering wick" (Matthew 12:20). Gentle is the one who is attentive to the strengths and weaknesses of the other and enjoys being together more than accomplishing something. A gentle person treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. A gentle person knows that true growth requires nurture, not force. Let's dress ourselves with gentleness. In our tough and often unbending world our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us.

choosing...

I am finding that life exists at the moment in two extremes... there doesn't seem to be a happy medium, a balance, to be found anywhere just now, even in the space of a day, and it is almost a conscious choice which I choose - both would be honest and true...

I can choose to be sucked into the miserable depression that exists and seems to be multiplying all around me.... with more and more tragic stories surrounding me... and demands tied in with the time of year competing for my emotional energy and time, or I can choose to focus on the happier things around...

So onto the happier things....which in turn help me with the more tricky side of life...

Tonight I'm aching from a deep tissue massage earlier today... he said I would ache, and I do... it was truly wonderful though, my neck and back melted as his magical hands worked on the tension and knots, freeing the muscles - I walked out after the hour on a different planet, incapable of logical thought but in a far happier place..
He came highly recommended by a friend at nightclass.... I have waited for a long time to try and find someone really good... and it's not unusual for nightclass to provide the answers to many unrelated questions...

I have almost finished updating my contacts in my new mobile phone - in a very small act of defiance I changed make of phone and deliberately chose a model for it's looks as opposed to it's practicality.... and now am suffering - but not minding too much either - because I am really not technically minded and the transfer of my messages and contacts wasn't done properly so I am inputting them all again one by one...
It does look good though - even though S said one of her friends (age 10!) has one the same...

Oh and it will save us money each month too - I have other bits of rearranging to do that will help with saving pennies too - scheduled for tomorrow now...

I also splashed out on some serum and cream that will supposedly make me look younger... I doubt it will work - nothing does - but it made me feel good....and I got a free gift which was so much fun to unwrap... :) and I might even use the cosmetics that came in the gift... I have one bright pink thumb nail just to try... not my colour but could be S's...

Work was good this morning... we were massively short staffed at the last minute so those of us there had to just get on and do.... suddenly the atmosphere changed to one of comraderie and pulling together... when it matters people can work as a team... we should be doing that regardless.... sad that it should be an unusual experience in this particular environment...

I am still grinning from the unexpected e mail from my skateboarding new friend who thought enough to get in touch just to catch up...

And the icing on the cake - today the sun shone all day... as far as I saw anyway...

Sculpture...

came across this guy at the opening of a local exhibition - one of his pieces was in the corner of the room and if I had money I'd certainly be spending it here... click on the videos to see how these move - they are fantastic...

keeping it simple....

After a spell when life has been hard to keep buoyant, bouncy and holding everything together - keeping all the balls in the air at once, I've noticed there comes a time when I realise that possibly I have made it all far too complicated.... that in fact it's fairly simple...

surely there are a very few important things to live by, and hanging onto those should, in theory anyway, make life easier....
perhaps it's only in stripping away the unnecessary and focusing on the essential, that it becomes manageable...

and thats why sometimes life seems so straightforward when I sit in church.... there is no skirting around the edge - when I was out in the vast snow with beautiful people who lived simply and basically, it seemed clearer...when friends and family are ill and people close to me have died all the trimmings seem irrelevant.

What does it take to see the wood for the trees?

I wonder if sometimes we make life too difficult and then we get caught in the tangled web we have made for ourselves....

though of course I am not accounting for feelings and emotion which so often stir things up...

Some things are hard. R just said this to me about the transitions we are facing at the moment... and he is right...on one level we're heading into foreign territory and we're supposed to know what we're doing... on others we have been here before...either way it's hard... and exciting - a grand adventure with scary bits that test nerves, and offer up as yet unknown rewards...(I'm looking forward to those!)

Perhaps accepting that something is hard somehow makes it easier - instead of sinking energy into either denial, or into trying to make something it isn't, it's better to accept it as it is, and use that energy to deal with the reality....

Perhaps if we can accept that things aren't easy - that in fact they are tough, they somehow become easier, because we stop trying to fight against them...

In the end there's not much we really need to make us happy... so I wish I knew why I make such a mess from simple ingredients...

some of the other thoughts....

woke up today to it being really blustery and windy ~ really horrible winter weather...
I quite like it in some ways ~ somehow it keeps things real ~ the forces of nature at work.
Somehow it makes me feel more alive.

Last night we were looking back through photos of our trip to Finnish Lapland several years ago and yearning to return...we all have different memories of the trip. We took the children over Christmas itself to meet the man in a red suit and a white beard on Christmas day... that was magical - the whole holiday - from leaving here I have never seen two more excited and awe inspired children....

but I fell in love with the place itself...

extreme cold, extreme beauty - when icicles formed on my eyelashes at less than -30 degrees I realised how quickly life could be taken in such a place and conversely how real life is, and when we had to leave the vast white forest it felt as if I was leaving part of me behind there. Something soulful anyway...

Food, drink, warmth, love, people, laughter, and the magic of just being alive and living.... the things I associate most with that trip - and when I returned home some things changed as a result - life decisions...

perhaps it's no coincidence that I revisit these memories now - with so much illness and death around... (yes it's getting worse!) and waiting for things to change, and yet not putting life on hold while I wait for a new direction. Living and feeling each moment, trying to stay in the present while yearning for the future and learning from the past...

We talk about the weather so much - yet sometimes it does really have an impact on how we feel and think...