Feeling good :)

The future needs a big kiss
Winds blows with a twist
Never seen a moon like this
Can you see it too?

Night is falling everywhere
Rockets at the fun fair
Satan loves a bomb scare
But he won’t scare you

Hey, sexy boots
Get on your boots, yeah

You free me from the dark dream
Candy floss ice cream
All our kids are screaming
But the ghosts aren’t real

Here’s where we gotta be
Love and community
Laughter is eternity
If joy is real

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

That’s someone’s stuff they’re blowing up
We’re into growing up
Women of the future
Hold the big revelations

I got a submarine
You got gasoline
I don’t want to talk about wars between nations

Not right now

Hey sexy boots…
Get on your boots, yeah
Not right now
Bossy boots

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

Hey sexy boots
I don’t want to talk about the wars between the nations
Sexy boots, yeah

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, now
God, I’m going down
I don’t wanna drown now
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Yeah hey hey

U2 - Get On Your Boots

Am loving this song right now
and we all have one.. a sexy side that is ~

Sultry and mysterious...
feeling good from the inside out
looked after,
pampered,
clothed in materials chosen to feel good next to naked skin ~
soft and silky,
smooth,
velvet or lace.

Painted, cared for nails,
the intoxicating scent of a favourite perfume,
senses alerted,
make up applied,
not too much, yet just enough,
check in the mirror,
eyes shine out, feeling good...


Now, a choice...

do I put on my sexy boots and head out...

or instead, like every other day, do I put on my work clothes, my uniform, and leave them all wondering exactly what it is they can't put their finger on that is different today... ? ;)

Now and again

Ribbons on ballet shoes,
Colours on sports kit
new lanes in swimming
prizes in competitions
stickers, and house points

Now and again things come together, if only for a moment.
Inbetween the rest of life there are rays of light
recognition of efforts and achievements
some smaller than others, but all significant
things that make the heart swell and beat faster and lighter than before,
that bring a smile to eyes and lips, even tired and weary ones,
warmth in the cold, to send winter blues packing.

We all need to be recognised, all need to be valued for what we do
for our efforts
to know we have done something,
that we have succeeded
and that we are significant
in some way, somehow,
to someone

these achievements ~
and the physical rewards,

they may belong to someone else,
someone I love,
but they all make me smile,
make me glow,
a little warmer than before

and it's a glow that can be both felt,

and seen.

The imagination of the young.
Encouraged by his mates who were going to follow suit - 'do you think we could?' 'Of course we can...' 'lets try...' 'I dare you...'
A stunt gone wrong,
a miscalculated risk
his timing was out ~ the gap was too wide, below him a pile of granite,
and very fortunately, to my immense relief although I can't work out how, the only damage was to the glass.

I wonder realistically when brains develop the capacity for calculated risk.
It would appear to be a skill that requires some fine tuning and perhaps a little luck along the way and left me thinking about judging things, choices and reactions.

Filled with many emotions (anger, relief, incredulous disbelief, frustration), I opted for the calm approach, pointing out how dangerous it actually was, and what could so easily have happened, and how devastated I wold be if anything ever happened to any of them, which was all true, and on balance I think perhaps better than my other instinctive reaction.
It seemed to have the desired effect...apologetic, strangely quiet and calm and big hugs from all of them, until next time that is, I guess!!

They are all wonderful and lovable but it's like they have suddenly just grown, sprouted longer legs, lost coordination they once had and their brains haven't quite caught up with any part of them. They believe they can and yet it just doesn't quite all come together when they ask it to. Plus they aren't on 'receive' mode at the moment and so tuning in to relay information is incredibly hard.

Now boarded up and waiting for glass to be cut on Monday.


I had planned a weekend of self medicating relaxation, catching up with myself and bits and pieces that needed doing around the place. This disease seems to have brought with it an increased susceptibility to opportunistic infection which I can only attribute to a physical manifestation of stress...
As much as I try to ignore it, and wish it wasn't so, I am kind of forced to accept it as a reality and will have to work around it and accept that sometimes I will need to give into it - am annoyed with myself that I am back on antibiotics but perhaps it is a lesson learned too.

The weekend, much needed, has flown past - I can hardly believe it's back to work and school tomorrow... sleep and exercise and a promise to myself to listen to what my body is telling me....

A most wonderful blessing.

In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go.

I'm not sure who to accredit that to but I read it first on Jayne's blog
and it struck me as very wise...

It was the letting go that I got really caught up on though...
never the easiest thing to do, no matter how many times you have had to do it,
all the losses, little and big
all the moving forwards
all the brave faces, and all the tears behind closed doors.
all the new beginnings, tinged with sadness at what has been left behind to be where we are now.

But also that ~
The past is also my present, from which there is no escape, and I am working on it because it is also part of my future.

Some things hang round like bad smells you can't get rid of.
Where is that odour neutralising spray for life when we need it?
Surely we could all be cheerful like they are in the adverts, sniffing our carpets and furnishings, or something like that if only we could find it, content in our freshly spruced up surroundings with the odd spray here and there?


Some things we leave behind
other things leave us behind
and sometimes the things we'd like to leave behind end up stuck to us like glue we can't shake off...

The Interview game

I saw this on Charli's blog - she had been interviewed and in a moment of impulse I agreed...no, I should say asked, to be interviewed...curious as to what she might ask me.
These are her questions, and my answers.
If anyone wants to play just let me know.

1. If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
I'd work in Africa as a volunteer - have been searching out opportunities to do that for some time now, it was a childhood dream

and if I could have another month I'd include Antarctica and the Northern lights - quite like the explorer side of me, would love to experience the vastness and wildness of it, would love to live there for a while.

2. What are your most compulsive habits?
LOL - I try hard to break anything that looks like becoming compulsive...apart from being incredibly curious, which I positively indulge as I am rarely satisfied with whats on the surface and am compelled to search out more.
However, to answer you more specifically, I love smooth sheets to sleep on - whatever else may happen in an unmade bed, at least the bottom sheet has to be made by the start of bedtime for me to sleep properly ;)


3. Would you rather play a game with someone more or less talented with you? Would it matter who was watching?
I was going to say definitely more talented...have always enjoyed learning, being stretched and developing new skills, but it depends on why we are playing - I love playing games (any) with the children and then it doesn't matter.
I hate being observed...either way.

4. Which of the following restrictions could you best tolerate: leaving the country permanently or never leaving the state in which you currently reside?
A question ~ Could I take my family with me?
If I could, then it would easily be leaving the country permanently... to have to stay here could and sometimes already does, feel like a prison I need to escape from now and again. However, I'd rather be imprisoned with my husband and children than never to be able to see them again.

5. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important that people mourn your death?
Interesting - I have often thought about my death, but not particularly my funeral...
who will be there - my parents, husband and kids?
or maybe just my children?
maybe noone...
I think if we make a difference in peoples lives then we will be missed when we are no longer around. I would love it if people thought of me as I think of those who have made the biggest impact on me, like John who I blogged about, or my son's namesake - his godfather who became ill and died within months while I was pregnant.
I guess I'd like it if my death was mourned.. I'm just not so sure I've earned that yet..


Great questions Charli, thank you :)

now the rules if you want to play....


•Leave me a comment requesting an interview.
•I will e-mail you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
•You then answer the questions on your blog.
•You should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed.
•Anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog.
•It would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger.

Bits 'n' pieces

First off I read a story I loved over at writing in faith which made me think about how we see other people, and how others view us.. not a new idea but one that this social experiment made me think about again and also about what we miss if we are not open to and looking at what is really around us.

Secondly, I haven't been around much ~ yesterday was the year anniversary of the death of someone who I thought of as my second Dad..not family as such, but as good as, and a wonderful person. It was so lovely that after I called and had spoken with R, one of his daughters, I then heard her calling out that it was Katie B on the phone. It is rare that I am called, and happy to be called, by my maiden name any more, but there always had to be a differentiation between the two Kates in the family and it took me straight back to happy times with my 'brothers and sisters' getting up to way too much mischief, especially as, for many years, I was the youngest.

It is both beautiful and painful how some people leave permanent marks on your hearts and souls.
We love and we hurt and we laugh and we cry, smiling through the tears, and we do it all at the same time, and we hug each other because we are still here and we miss them and we can't bring them back and it just doesn't seem fair...
and we pick ourselves up and we carry on with them in our hearts every day, not far away and yet far too far away.
Changed by knowing them, yet I'm not sure how comforting that really is....


So, there was that..

and there has been time trying to get my head around what is going on in Gaza...reading and listening, inbetween children and mealtimes and lessons and work ~ quiet time when there is nothing else that demands attention, to be able to concentrate and absorb, is hard to come by!

and a stack of work to get through and prepare, a daughter revising for exams and taking them seriously....and other adolescent issues, growing pains I guess, both physical and otherwise to attend to.

and the minor, yet drastic (for me that is) discovery that my work trousers fit rather better than they should if they are to remain decent, which has meant I have had to seriously up the exercise and cut out some of the things I love because there is no way I am buying new ones.

Which means life, as ever, has been and is, a mix of big and small things, all significant, all changing how I have been feeling and thinking, and has left little time or, if I'm honest, mental space, for catching up with friends anywhere, or blogging or replying to e mails....sometimes life just takes over for a while...

It's cold, breath catchingly cold, and winter is certainly making it's presence felt.

I find it is so easy to get drawn into it's dull grey gloom, and to absorb dismal days, letting them infiltrate how I feel and think.
There is much to sweep up and clear outside and it is too early to deadhead.
It is so tempting to just blitz it, to make it look good, and yet I know I must wait until the last frost has been and gone...
or that's what I was taught as I was growing up if you don't want to damage the new shoots waiting.

Patience

Inbetween and hidden under bushes some bulbs are sprouting, getting ready for spring.

Things happen at their own pace, there is no rushing and if we try and rush it we end up destroying something in the process.
An analogy for life? It feels like it, and something I need to keep in mind too...
To live and appreciate living, whilst waiting for the next certain surprise to come along. Because if we wait, it will arrive sooner or later, and so often when we least expect it.

All the family went back to work and school yesterday, and suddenly, where there was chaos, now there is order, of sorts anyhow, there is structure and lists are being worked through.

A meeting with someone I will be working with later this month made me realise just how much easier it is when you have someone next to you saying we can, and we will, when you can work together, supporting one another.
Although I am quite comfortable working alone, it is a welcome input and experience to share and develop ideas and exchange stories over coffee, and confirms to me that there should definitely be more to work than merely working!

My aim right now is to keep looking for, and focused on what is good and kind and beautiful in each day whilst hoping there really are some delicious surprises ahead....

Words fail

Words fail
when I watch and listen to the reports about Gaza,
feelings of disbelief,
anger,
sadness,
helplessness,
frustration,
outrage....

please God let it stop...
let there be a way through

Revelatory shower moments...

Revelatory moments are few and far between it seems
a fleeting moment of inspiration, filling a gap
a longed for missing piece of a jigsaw
yet they happen now and again.
Revealed this morning,
of all places, in the shower, amidst shampoo and soap

a new perspective on 'why?'

years spent asking 'why?'
what it is that motivates a certain type of behaviour?

And now it occurs to me following this, that I'm not so sure that knowing why actually helps with what to do about it...
(even if it's not knowing as such, and merely another perspective)

just maybe, why? isn't always the most important question...

It's begun

Perhaps it's not the best start to a party to turn up and admit to your friends that you really didn't feel like going...but then to be greeted with equal honesty from them meant we were united in our lack of enthusiasm, and it set the tone for the evening - no pretences whatsoever.
In fact this was exactly why I had said yes in the first place. They are the one place I can be honest with how I am feeling and who I am, or at least one of the places I can be.
A safe place to dwell.
In the end it was a really good, fun evening.

And so the year began, a late one at the rugby club and then onwards to our friends house where we stayed up, until dawn had well and truly broken.
One by one people took themselves off to sleep, leaving a small group behind relaxing and being together...

We hadn't started out wanting a party, but in some ways I needed to be there.

I couldn't sleep even though I wanted to, and for quite some time I lay on the sofa, watching as the others played karaoke on the playstation...and contemplated all kinds of things...it is good to take a step outside your world now and again - to be a part of it and yet disengaged at the same time.

As it turned out there were moments of sharing very personal stories which have left me thinking and once again realising how little I really know about life or anything that goes on in it...and humbled by others stories and experiences and honesty in telling them to me.
And we try to figure out the way forward together.

It's been a very low key day, gathering ourselves for the new year that has already begun.
Not so much making resolutions, which I do very badly, but looking ahead, as a friend put it so well on facebook, to embrace the new surprises, wonders, failings and learnings that lie ahead.

What price happiness?

Little things that have made me happy in the past couple of days.
Just before Christmas my beloved, if indeed vintage U2 ipod died...suddenly! This meant all packing had to cease for me to run into the shop whereupon they pronounced that the hard drive had indeed gone to ipod heaven, however, they offer a wonderful replacement service at a fraction of a cost, but due to Christmas and it coming from Amsterdam there would be a delay.
Yesterday I called in to collect my brand new shiny identical pod... and am back to functioning normally with it...yay... good news!

I miss music if it's not around.

I also returned to the gym, and hence have been borrowing other peoples ipods, something odd about having someone elses collection of music in your hands to play with, even though they have been those of my family. It gives an interesting perspective on each of my children somehow.
I grew up without much music, other than radio 2 in the car on the way into school in the mornings with my Dad, and I do wonder what I'd have had on my ipod back then if they had existed.

Getting back to the gym and exercise is starting to take effect, not physically so that you'd notice, but to how I feel, getting back in touch with my body and feeling it working as it should be, pushing it enough to feel my heart and be aware of my breathing, letting the endorphins kick in, as well as time and space and the pleasure of seeing the fit young toned and tanned anonymous skipper/boxer/footballer... who knows who he is...but yesterday he was cycling, and I know I stayed exercising for slightly longer than I would have done because of it, a kind of personal trainer without paying for it :)
(hope I didn't go overboard on that aspect of the gym there...)

Last night we watched the sing along version of Mama Mia with S - and in the comfort of my own home I enjoyed singing along. I enjoyed it far more here than I did at the cinema, and it did have that certain 'feel good' factor.

Today both my children have been out playing with friends. Something I take for granted. Lots I take for granted... I wonder about what price happiness...

I listen to the news, read bits and pieces, not ever as much as I want to,
time is such a governing factor...and yet I find myself reprimanding myself for that, it is a lame excuse most of the time.

just caught up with this pod cast(s)/ video from the trip made to Palestine earlier this year by a group of people from Greenbelt

Bethlehem - somewhere there are no parks or playgrounds...

and yet in the midst of all that is around them they keep hold of hope, hope for a new year better than previous ones.

Worlds apart I sit and pray and ponder and hope for peace...

Thoughts this New Years eve on what I really need to make me happy.

Hope your New Year is peaceful and 2009 is a great year full of magic, awe and wonder, x

Inbetween

Feeling flat, wiped out, jittery, needing to get ready and prepared for next term..
Christmas has meaning for me, new year really hasn't
always feel like this to a degree after Christmas and family birthdays have been and gone and I need to get back into the swing of things again,
it's an odd transitional time I have never liked.
we said we'd go out at new year, a rugby club thing, but right now I'm not so sure...
might just keep my head down and emerge when it's all over :)

merely pondering

"We've come a long way, we really have"
~ a comment made to me by a very good friend late one evening this Christmas.... just made me think

think how far we do go without realising it, until perhaps the years pass and we look back... we could never see the way through at the time, and yet we get through one step at a time and find we are still searching for the way forward...but with more experience and perhaps more hope than before.

It also made me think about the constants in our lives,
the things that give us stability ~
the reassurances.
When we are stumbling we return to that which we know, which we can rely on,
the things we all need in our lives
the bare bones, the rocks, the things and people that won't let us down,
our faith,
our belief

There is a reassurance in things that stay the same ~
in nature,
in the sun rise and sun set,
in the ebb and flow of the tide,
the seasons.

We all need to know who and what we can rely on,
we need something, even one thing, as a constant,
something to steady ourselves on until we can find our feet again.


Just got me thinking, and I was grateful to be sitting with some of mine and sharing food and wine with them at yet another Christmas.

Thankful and thinking

Plans....

I was going to blog but we had a last minute supper invite...
and I was going to reply to all the lovely comments on my last post... ( I appreciate them all - thank you )
we were going to have an early night
the kids were going to catch up on sleep
I was going to watch a movie
start to read my new book...

but instead we were out and had a lovely time
I am tired
the kids are tired
there is no school tomorrow
no work tomorrow
and tomorrow I can lie in and catch up and do all the things I didn't do tonight
because we were out having fun....

laughing and eating and enjoying the holiday with good friends...
the best way to spend a holiday

Seeing through young eyes

After all the excitement and fun,
the stockings and present opening,
the noise and the magic,
after it has all died down and the mess has been mainly cleared away.

I find myself sitting still at the end of Christmas day.
It has been beautiful in so many ways,
in sharing with friends and family, in coincidental meetings,
and in the beauty of small heartfelt gifts.

One inparticular, a precious photo album compiled by my daughter of memories past ~
ones we created, and which now they both share.
Remembering precious times, with love.
My album was instantly a treasured possession.

Sometimes I think children see so much more clearly than we do, without the clutter that comes with adulthood.
They see through the mess and straight to the heart of things.
To care and be cared for, to give and receive love, to be accepted, to forgive
and to be happy just to be together.

I need the reminder occasionally to see through young eyes that haven't yet grown weary of living, that see as they feel, and give importance to the feelings, and that are now old enough to identify and express those feelings.

Today has been simple, uncomplicated and very very lovely....

thankful of the peace
we progress, one step, one day at a time...

there is no other way.

Just a feeling

Today is busy, tomorrow is going to be busier.
Like many we have a lot to navigate around this time of year.
We never know how it's going to pan out,
but year on year we step out
hoping this year will be different,
Hoping to find peace, hope and understanding
and not just open old wounds and hurt again.

some years we make it...

I love the image this gives
It's just a feeling
sent out to many,
for many reasons,
but especially this time of year
When it seems there is nothing we can do,
and all we can do, is be there
hoping and praying, loving and caring
for, and with
each other.

Trusting, and being there,
being here in the moment.

It's just a feeling, a thought,
a wish,
sent out with love.

Just thinking

Just thinking, on all kinds of things, on all the illness I see and hear of around, and on all the sadness and the ripples from people's lives and stories which make this time of year especially hard for many. It's a quiet day here right now, which will change before too long! Just thinking...

U2 - If God will send his angel
Uploaded by Angkor

The best adventure ever

What was your last good read? Or film to watch? What keeps us fascinated and transfixed, what captures our imagination? And what makes life worth living?
Lately I have heard some brilliant stories during evenings or various conversations, humorous, adventures, dramatic risk taking, consequences, close shaves, wild stories of survival. Some perhaps embellished for the moment, but in essence true.
Great fodder for a social evening out.
Real life.
But that's the thing...all the best experiences, all the good stories, are best because of these elements, and mainly involve risks taken, not stories of safety and comfort...

Life is an adventure, by nature I guess... and adventure makes life fun and interesting, we search it out.

If I want it, it makes sense that my children might crave it too.

Yet it still takes courage to wave him goodbye as he goes off on his racing bike to his mates house, have given him the cycle helmet talk and sent a couple of silent prayers upwards as he goes.. pushing the images of people I have nursed in A&E who have had lucky escapes out of my head - sometimes they are just not helpful!

and then when he comes home he tells me he just took a detour into town to see if he could go up and down the big hill a couple of times...wanted to do it on his own and not with his Dad - just to see if he could, in the busy Christmas traffic too...
like rock jumping off the highest rock here in the summer... just 'cos!!
and sleeping out on the common in bivvy bags in the summer...

Am starting to understand this whole thing on a cognitive level, it just takes a whole lot of putting into practise... letting them experience what they want to - what they will do anyway to an extent, whilst keeping faith that they will come home safely.
And then being excited for them and at the stories and adventure whilst quietening the parent in me that will always want to protect, wanting to hear the stories, yet knowing if I'm going to be allowed to hear the 'best' ones I am going to have to keep my nerve and be true to my heart, allow myself to feel the adventure, not the what ifs....

love, protection, freedom, risk, safety, learning to trust in faith...letting them live.
Perhaps it is all about roots and wings, but it feels a whole lot more complex than that.

And I fear it is only the start - the start of being witness to, and part of, two other humans amazing incredible adventure story - mystery, intrigue, drama, I just hope there aren't too many times when I will want to hide behind a cushion, or will those ultimately BE the best bits?

Last week, when I was looking for my PE kit in the cloakroom,
I saw an angel.
She was hovering above the coat hooks, smiling at me
and waving a long white hand.
Her silver wings were trembling
And her golden halo shimmered in the sun.
This morning she was there again,
smiling and shimmering,
Flapping and fluttering,
Waving and trembling.
She looked beautiful.

I told my teacher.
"Miss, there's an angel in the cloakroom."
My teacher gave a little snort."An angel?"
She looked around the cloakroom but the angel had gone.
"Too much television," she sighed.
"Too lively an imagination.
A daydreamer, that's what you are.
Angels indeed! Whatever next?"
She smiled and shook her head,
And then picked up a shining feather
from the floor
And put it in the bin.

Gervase Phinn

Makes me wonder what other things children see that adults write off... how quickly we dismiss their fanciful ideas.. perhaps we should indulge them now and again?...*


One of the lovely things about Christmas shopping is it invariably sees me gravitate towards bookshops and music...
the problem with books is you just have to have a sneak preview before you give it to someone.

Am loving this small book,
"Twinkle twinkle little stars", there are some really lovely stories in it.

* am also thinking that if we only look we will see the marks angels leave. Have come across a couple of very beautiful angels today, disguised as humans... uncanny how that happens!

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.."
Maya Angelou

Thats important.
Learning to say No, and no more
No more to crap
No more to criticism
No more to unasked for judgements
No more giving out all the time into a bottomless pit...
no more tired and lame excuses for damaging behaviour
from anyone...

Time for looking after, for nurturing, for doing what feels good, for being with people who care and love and want to be around... time for protection

everyone has limits, everyone needs time and love and patience and friends,
and unconditional acceptance, warts and all.

sometimes it's time to take responsibility for our own happiness, and maybe sometimes that means saying no to some things, some people.

It's been a crap day, a tear filled frustrating, dismal down day...not aided by painful, swollen joints, and feeling like everything is an enormous effort. I'm back on my iron in case it's partly that too...or it could be just one of those days at the end of one of those weeks.

It's certainly time to conserve energy and resources for a while, spend time with friends and rekindle the fire thats burning rather dimly at the moment...and listen to the inner still voice for a while.

It's time...

"so even if we have to fake it until we make it,
lets give it a shot."
Jen Gray Dec 2008


words that made me think
There are times when faking it is the best we can do, and who says we shouldn't now and again...if it gets us by? One day we might realise we've woken up and we're not faking it any more
perhaps we might realise we were never really faking it after all
perhaps all we have to do is believe

Cheers Jen, lets give it a shot,
I'm in...

When stories come to life

This weekend I saw Inkheart, a most wonderful film, in my book anyhow.





I had tagged along at the invite of a friend to help with their daughters Birthday party. As it turned out the children were incredibly well behaved, and needed no real supervision other than us to be there, leaving us to catch up during the meal beforehand, and then sit in the cinema together afterwards.

I was enthralled and captivated for the whole movie.
It is rare I recommend a film, or a book for that matter... they are so personal, but I completely loved this...

Comfort

Memories
growing up is confusing.
Tonight as my daughter came to me for yet another hug she said to me "I used to fall asleep in your arms"
I told her she still could.
She didn't... didn't have to, didn't need to after then.

What comforting beautiful memories
feels like yesterday
Is wonderful to know she treasures them like I do...

Cold thoughts

the cold virus

Just a thought
How can something so pretty and bright make you feel so rough?
guess it's no consolation that it's so colourful...

Not that I'm being antisocial, but
It can go and play elsewhere
Advice from one teacher in school... wash your hands and don't touch anyone!!

not much fun when party season is upon us though!

The very last bits of coursework are in and done.
I hand delivered the hard copies this morning and finally I have those precious hours to fill with other things. A corner of my brain has been swept clear and there is space at last.

Satisfaction that it is done and a weight lifted, more so than I had thought.

So, in response to Gilly,
Santas beverage of choice.. a tricky one...

Whisky makes him very silly...I am sure of that.. have heard tales :)
so brandy has always been a good option - he has always left the right presents for the right people...

though I have been viewing a couple of recipes we might just have to try..

Mistletoe Mojito courtesy of Scarlet

1 oz. fresh lime juice

1 tbsp. superfine sugar
8 fresh mint leaves
2 oz. white rum (optional)
2 tsp. pomegranate seeds
4 oz. Pomegranate 7 Up
1 mint sprig
1 lime wedge

Pomegranate seeds

1) In a highball glass, muddle lime juice, sugar and mint leaves until sugar is dissolved.

2) Add rum and pomegranate seeds. Btw, the rum is NOT optional. (It's not a mojito without the rum!!)

3) Fill glass with ice and top with Pomegranate 7UP.

Garnish with mint sprig and lime wedge.

Makes 1 mojito...so you may want to double (triple?) the recipe. ; )

Enjoy!

or courtesy of Allie,
egg nog

4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
1 pint whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
3 ounces bourbon
1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
4 egg whites

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until the sugar completely dissolves. Add the milk, cream, bourbon and nutmeg and whisk to combine.

Place the egg whites in a different bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks using the whisk attachment. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.

Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve.

{Makes 6 to 7 cups.}

or even one of these courtesy of Violetsky..

(Bloody) Caesar New Variation

Rim a highball glass with lime and sea salt and fill halfway with ice

Into a cocktail shaker with ice add
1.5 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin,
5 oz Clamato juice, (best with regular Motts to get the full flavour of the Bombay Sapphire)
pinch of cayenne pepper and a pinch of Worcestershire
and ROLL gently to blend.

Strain into a highball glass

Adorn with celery stick, carrot stick, pickled onion, or lime

Sip

Relax

Sip

Relax

But seeing as I haven't a clue who he is or what his prefernce is.. it's a game of chance ;)

It's also time I played along even just once - and I know it's early, but what are rules for...?
Carmi's theme for this week is bright..
as I drove along the coast in the dusk suddenly the sun peeked out from the edges of the cloud, giving a beautiful lining and lit up the whole sky again...if only for a short while.

I have missed playing with my camera while I have been studying - I think it's time to play again :)

Oh and all this week I have been convinced it's friday - which is making it go very slowly...if we could just hurry it along a little please :)

Christmas is coming!

We have the tree but it's not up yet, we have cards but they're not written yet, and some presents, though not many - I also have cooking to do and prepare in advance of the two birthdays that also occur one each side of Christmas.
I have a sick (though not that sick) child and the last essay to complete before tonight's class
There is work to do on a present I was hoping to get finished for Christmas - it won't be, because I don't have a kiln to fire it in - a special silver firing kiln... but I'd like to think it was as close as it could be so it can wing it's way across the ocean in the new year, plus I like to think that at least I was thinking of that person while I was working on it - and if I could have completed it I would.
I also have jewellery I have almost finished mending for a friend for tonight...

My thoughts are in many different places right now.

I took down a post about the calm after the storm (sorry Violetsky, I took your comment with it, but it was much appreciated, thank you) - indeed there have been storms fuelled by teenage angst and hormones and this is just a rocky part of the road. It will improve, of that I am sure. Sometimes we need a storm to experience the calm. I wish it wasn't so, yet today feels easier, is easier. Communication love and acceptance...

Yesterday I felt the blessing of blogging upon me yet again. A card saying I had missed a parcel delivery had me puzzled, although of course it is Christmas and it shouldn't be that strange! However, I was all the more delighted and taken quite aback by a gorgeous book sent all the way from my beautiful friend Jayne. An author she had mentioned to me during a conversation we had had while we sat across our desks on different sides of the world while we shared a drink...oh the absolute magic of ichat video links...
The connections from blogging have to be the very best bit about it all. Thank you Jayne, x

And then we had our first carol service last night - thoughtful, thought provoking and uplifting too. As much as I love some aspects of Christmas it is always a stressful time and thre is so much sadness aswell as so much joy around and I find it hard sometimes to reconcile the two.

In fact I don't think I do, and images of Bethlehem and Palestine brought back by friends on their recent trip there also infiltrated my thoughts last night as we sang.


Yet still I know Santa won't come down the chimney unless I prepare for him!

and there is the decision to make about what his favourite drink is this year...

Well you've got to be prepared for all eventualities :)

Our best bits..

Today I looked down at the start of a class and saw the most incredible pair of eyes looking back at me, wide and blue, fixated, waiting intently, and listening. It was the start of a lovely class.
A class where yet again the class teacher was surprised at the end to see how much the children had learned, and in which the children themselves were surprised and proud.

The very best bit of what I am doing now, and the reason why I wanted to somehow get back to doing it in some form, is seeing children suddenly discover that they can do something and do it well...that sense of pride of achievement in themselves.
I love it when they go out of class shining and happy with themselves, feeling good.

We do things for so many reasons, our desires are often driven by something very deep rooted in us.
If children believe they can, then they often can and will, and nurturing that sense of self belief stems from something deep in me.

It got me thinking about our best bits.
What are your best bits?

Truth is, it's so easy to only hear about the less favourable sides of ourselves and to believe in them, and easy to forget, or not to focus on, our strengths.

It is so easy to end up introverted and negative and down on life and ourselves when all we hear is the tedium of what we should have or could have done more of, or better...

which is why I decided it's time to shake off the winter blues, and give some time to embracing my best bits.

The things I do well, the things other people say I do well, the compliments people pay, the things that make me feel good,
to take them onboard and integrate them into my thinking.
Time to enjoy achievements rather than dwell on downfalls.

Time to enjoy the very best bits of me, just like the reflection in the smiling eyes of a child when they succeed.



oh and I thought it was time for a change of scenery round here too :)

Too tired really for reflection...
it's been a long, long day... am still chilled to the bone, trying to thaw out.
a story of mixed messages, communication hijacked, and then watching the day unfold and having not a shred of influence over how it turned out...laughable in it's absurdity
a project that gradually got smaller and smaller until it was just a few of us selling a few (delicious) fairtrade chocolate things on a stall in the rain, the hot spiced apple juice only really getting going in time for us to pack up at the end. Best not talk about the liquor licence ;)
I ache, have a full day ahead tomorrow and need sleep...

In the middle of all the mixed communication I headed out, and saw this rainbow... caught it just before it disappeared from view...

a long day but fun in all it's bizarreness.

A very special Advent Calendar

What a fantastic idea, and an amazing thing to bring together for advent.
Shame we live too far away to see this....

Beach hut advent calendar

I'll be checking by every day though to see what opens next...

Christopher Robin to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

Oh for such wisdom...

there is a part of Tuesdays right now that I find exceedingly hard. A situation I have no control over, apart from how I choose to react to it.
I thought tonight was going to be the last one, it's not...next week is.
It's nothing physical, but mentally and emotionally very hard, and all my instincts tell me I just want to run away. Sometimes it's better than I think and other times it's not.
There will always be situations we find hard to cope with, and I am usually relatively calm in the face of adversity. However, sometimes courage feels like it has flown away...

I'm frittering time away when I should be working.
Sometimes it's hard to focus beyond what might be.

As a good friend reminded me recently, we should cross our bridges as we come across them, not before....

and who knows, perhaps they'll be good for playing pooh sticks on instead!

New things and old...

It's a new month,
I have a new hair cut,
a new colour,
no matter that it was me experimenting
getting rid of grey,
it's shorter, sassier and makes my head feel lighter and clearer, more purposeful.
old music turned up loud,
memories of amazing cool times
reminds me of people I should make contact with again,
crowded nights in a tent in Herm before we all went our separate ways
a long time ago now!

I am sitting drinking coffee and the chocolate biscuits are open..

a confessional moment ~ guess who forgot the advent calendars this year? yes, I did, and I feel bad about it..

My coursework is nearly completed,
and Christmas shopping nearly started,
which means it's been thought about!

Right now I wish I had better speakers than I do...
oh well, everyone deserves a wish list!

My amazon order arrived today, I opened it all excited, but somehow I got the study notes and not the book...
the problems of online shopping and not checking properly before clicking on buy!
'That'll learn me', so my friend would say :)

"100 years of solitude" will have to wait.. but if anyone wants the study notes, they're here!!


and currently playing,
from a tent in Herm, a long time ago now...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."


oh and red ribbons for World Aids day ~ plenty on facebook, but none spotted round town or anywhere else I have been today... how come?

A magical mystery tour

A magical mystery tour,
away from judgement and criticism
on a ship, headed into the distance,
to spectacular, mainly unchartered territory
wild and beautiful
with my children and R, my friends, music, books,
and enough food and drink to last as long as it was needed...


Escape ~
where do you go to in your head to escape, even for a short while?
when you're not focused on what you should be,
when you don't really want to be exactly where you are,
and would rather be somewhere else.

Who would you take, what would you take?
where would you go?
and for how long?

I'm dreaming mine right now....


shouldn't be, but am.
Should be working and focused

perhaps I could just close the doors, unplug the phone and invite those I want to round for a while and chill out with them here instead.

Important, human things...

Important things that have happened my way of late ~

while I was sunning myself in Cyprus, a group of people, including friends of mine, were over in Palestine, and Big John has been busy compiling this from their trip, sharing their story and experiences



As I see it is a preview I imagine there is more to follow.
I wonder as I watch it how many are aware of this, of any of it, in the run up to Christmas.




Wise words too from someone my age, a friend of a friend, with terminal cancer about enjoying every moment with our children and family... because they have cherished the time they have had with theirs, and it made life worth it.

Makes me wonder what on earth I would be thinking and saying if I knew I could have died within hours, yet was saved for a short while, but still there is no real hope of a cure?

All we can do is learn from, and love each other.
I am convinced of that, because there is no way we can beat life, we just have to learn how to live with it, and how to live, as best we can, with each other.




Then there was a moment on friday, when I was sitting nursing the remnants of a migraine outside swimming, feeling down on life and myself it has to be said... and a friendly hand appeared on my shoulder, unexpectedly, a friend I wouldn't expect to see there, who arrived just in time to cheer me and make me feel better about the world...I swear friends are angels in disguise.




And less important in the scheme of life but important to me...
today Father Christmas turned on the lights in town... and S and a friend wanted to go and see him on their own. Now this is in contrast to me letting go :)

For ages I have mentioned, and even quite directly asked S what she thought about it, and what the other girls say, and earlier in the week we went to see the school play in which there was a line or two about Father Christmas being a myth that only younger children believe in...yet not a flicker of doubt crosses her face.. she still insists ~ he is real... insists although I am sure she knows...
what can we do but play along?

somehow she has gained the upper hand in this and we have to carry on perpetrating the myth that we reinforced by taking them to Lapland to meet him
deep in the forest with only a reindeer outside.
If we were doing it, then it had to be the best, the most real experience, and it was :)
Trapped in a web of our own making...!!

Not that I am really complaining... only slightly!

Just loved this...so clever

History

The end of an era is upon us.

From the children being very small Dennis the menace was a big part of family life, he was favourite viewing after school and we spent many afternoons laughing at his antics.
Often I could be forgiven for thinking I had my very own Dennis right here with me!
If R jnr could have changed the bath water with jello he would have!
So when we first decorated his room, he wanted a picture of the mischievous couple on his wall.

However, now it's come to a time when he wants his room completely redecorated, and it's time to cover Dennis over....he still likes him but it doesn't quite fit any more.
Time to say goodbye, to move onwards.
I'm not sure I can bring myself to paint over them completely - we are working on some kind of notice board or something to cover over this part of childhood history. I know we have to move on, but I remember painting it painstakingly and lovingly, knowing how much it meant to him.

It's going to have to be a pretty big board though...

We have the paint all ready for us to begin... just a shame I had a migraine which wouldn't let me start on it today!

thoughts after a lesson...

I just taught possibly the best lesson I can ever recall teaching... and the strange thing is I'm not sure why. Technology failed yet again - so no advance on the 2 lessons so far where I have had fully functioning sound, interactive white board and dvd/cd rom access.... but still, it went well.
I can improvise, and practical demonstration can overcome most things in my sessions thankfully.
Yet I am half wondering ~ did it go well, or did it just go as I had hoped ~ without fuss and disruption!! How do we judge?
I like kids who listen, who can then take on board an instruction and carry it out, who show me they have learned and who can demonstrate an ability to think for themselves too...
the class was well behaved, considerate and had fun, and yet still I come away scratching my head for the answer as to why?
Are we never satisfied???
I would love a simple formula as to why.

I know perfectly well that just because a class is quiet and appears to be focused on the board or on me, doesn't mean that they are learning, they could equally well be day dreaming ( I used to do that one well) and I know that just because someone apparently isn't focused on me but fiddling or doodling, that they aren't learning....I also know that noise and action can signify learning, or it can mean mayhem...

I'm used to them listening, but am also used to them getting so excited when we get to the practical physical bits that they find it hard to contain themselves - they have so much energy that just has to come out.

I am sure that this morning they both listened and learned, and there was excellent behaviour too which made life so much easier... hey Jayne, you're right - it was what I needed this morning! - an easy session :)

So, I now have two things floating round my head... one is from Jeff at 'Sharp yellow pencil' blog, (well worth a read if you have time to pop over) who posted this a while back which has stuck with me ~

that all behaviour is motivated...

and then there is the whole thing about expectation, which says if we expect a certain behaviour from someone, we are far more likely to get it.
That makes perfect sense to me, and in the class room at least it seems to work wonderfully ~ if we expect good behaviour, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, most of the time anyhow.

However, outside of the classroom I find expectation a tricky customer.
We all have expectations, and it's hard enough to live up to someone elses expectations of me, let alone my own of me.
The people I hold closest to my heart are the ones who have never expected any more of me than I have to give at any one time...and I love them dearly for that.

Unrealistic, unreasonable expectations can only lead to disappointment, and yet people persist in making them, often without even asking, or knowing someone, and finding out if they are realistic in the first place.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when, oh look.... there goes another self fulfilling prophecy!

We only ever fail if we, or others, expect more than we are able to give...

and so, in reality we actually succeed far more than we give ourselves credit for.

'cos a status update can't say it all...

snapshots just sometimes aren't enough to tell the story....
It's been dull and windy and wet, an ordinary November day

Scene one: just tumbled out of bed to announcements that the hamster is on the loose again and has decided to live up to his name once more. I place strategic piles of nuts around the place and wait, get bored, I have a shower and find that all the nuts have been eaten...am slightly concerned he has taken them down into the pipework behind the toilet and so return with a carrot on the theory that he would find it hard to drag it into the hole with him and so make it easier to catch him...
I dry my hair and return to the craft room where the carrot is.... finally spot his fluffy body hidden inbetween paintings stacked on the floor and capture him.. he puts up no resistance, is full and content... I note that he has not touched the carrot! Text all family members - R and children that he is found!

Scene two: am now running late to meet my parents at the hospital to get Mum's latest test results, but everything is running even later there; however the wait fades into insignificance when we are told all is clear...

Scene three: I sit alone at home, drinking coffee and digesting the fact that almost for the first time in 21 years we no longer, at least for the moment, have to give headspace to the word cancer... that hits me deep down.
I wonder how often big moments arrive and take us by surprise, and instead of jubilation and champagne, I am alone drinking coffee... normality resumed without question... Big emotions flowing through me, hard to get my head around, and I remembered exactly how solitary the processing of these emotions is.
I wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by people at that point and yet I longed for contact with people, wanted to tell them my news. and yet again it isn't my news to tell. I have been every age from 19 to now this afternoon.
I'm leaving a lot out of this bit here...
it has informed my journey, is a part of who I am, has brought me much joy and friendship, aswell as pain and tears. I am sure I will need it again, but for now it can just rest out of sight, or tucked away somewhere. Parts of it trigger other stuff.. childhood stuff...and for now I am thankful for where I am today, where we are today.
I head out to teach year four children and leave wondering how I can best include a child with physical disabilities in my lesson tomorrow.. it's a practical lesson.

Scene four: after school, all is calm until issues around msn and computers and phone calls and girls crop up... and escalate, attitude and arguments... it kills me inside, I hate this ~ the balance between control and not being too controlling...
you know girls have feelings too??? I thought we did that one a long time ago... sometimes this doesn't sound like my son any more!!
I am rarely the mother I want to be... rarely live up to my ideals...perhaps we never really get it right. I feel bad. I've never been a parent before - and that will be the same at every stage.... we're all learning, all the time, finding our feet together. It's going to be rocky some of the time I guess
I pass it over to R and head out to jewellery nightclass.

Scene five: calm... silver, gold, wonderful amethysts, chatter, distraction, laughter, creation.

and now: back home, almost prepared for tomorrow, the family are in bed asleep, it's peaceful, the clock ticks in the background...
I have some space coming up soon, gaps in the overflowing diary... There will be time to catch up with myself, time for the gym, time to organise Christmas, such as it is this year...

It's been a big day, yet just another day. I wonder at how I have been guided through some really tricky terrain at times and yet I'm still here.. we're still here...

I wonder if I'd have given up on God if somehow we hadn't made it this far...and yet I'm not asking to test that one out! I guess he has his reasons and for that I am grateful. Am grateful for the angels he has sent along the way too...the real live human ones who have been there when I needed them...

I wonder about a lot of things... at the end of the day that is mainly about what adventure lies ahead and what tomorrow might have in store...


So, on that note, I guess it's time for bed, and sleep, before it arrives all too quickly, x

Warmth, comfort, dreams dancing, mesmerising possibilities, prayers...
companionship

log fires are special
and are best shared...
on a cold and wintery evening
I wanted to share mine

x

childhood comfort restored, heart mended

We had some good news earlier... a very special member of our family had been missing for a few weeks now. We had searched high and low, posters had been made and posted around the house, friends had been alerted and joined in the search. S's night time companion, confidante and comforter, duck the bear, appeared to have been lost somewhere, vanished without a trace.

In between various other things I would find myself becoming obsessed over his whereabouts, wishing to goodness he could just speak or that someone would have a clear idea of where he was.
She can sleep without him, but he could never be replaced and once it became apparent he wasn't just left at a friends house for us to collect he was missed even more. How ridiculous, I was getting frantic about a missing teddy... as were half of her friends in different places - it was almost an island wide search!
Anyway, this terrible troublesome bear was only found hiding behind the towels in the bathroom cupboard - put safely so he didn't get wet while she showered.
He is now restored to his rightful place in her bedroom and she slept happily last night with him beside her.

I wish it was always this simple to mend a broken heart... so perfect, so innocent, so beautiful
It gets harder from here on in...

Beautiful...

Just a couple of the songs I've been listening to from a beautiful singer/songwriter.. there are many of hers I am loving right now.

A rare treat, a night in, nothing hugely pressing to do, I have a glass of wine, the kettle crisps are open and what is there on television... football???
It would appear most people including my husband are out tonight so I am alone, both here and in virtual reality of cyberspace.

On Monday night I became aware that I have not only somehow missed the start of Spooks, but we are already several episodes in, and the temptation to start the catch up is strong but these things are made for sharing and so I will resist.
There is time to savour what is good about this.
I have worked and now I have come to a stop ~ although there is more to do I need to be still for the moment, this moment.

I am probably less than half way through a project at jewellery I am already proud of... a glimpse of what the finished product may look like made me very excited!! I find it hard to get my head around creating something beautiful, and so wearable ~ there WILL be pictures when it's done.
I am still loving music back from Greenbelt and someone new to me who came highly recommended, Kendall Payne. I'm also kind of fixated on Coldplay at the moment...marking a moment in time.

I have been so absorbed in study books and work that I now am looking for the next good read, the last good read was 'Girlfriend in a coma' by Douglas Coupland, and I need to search out the next 'can't put down' book for when this course is finally over and done with.
Christmas looms and I am not savouring the prospect of that, but we will cope.

I have been reading various blogs, and thinking, and after the loss of someone who, more than anything, believed in and gave to other people, I keep finding myself thinking that 'we are enough'. That together, we are enough. I am sure that can be torn apart, and yet I think we are....together we can be, we are, somehow between ourselves and our beliefs and each other we find strength and courage and we survive.

How much of life is about survival?
And we live while we are surviving...
and one day we forget we are surviving
and find we are just living....

Within the tribute to R's coach the other day, an avid fisherman in his leisure time, were the words that he always saw himself as 'a fisherman who delivered milk...' and there is something I love about that...living for what he loved.

I need to get back to the gym...need to feel good about me again, it has been too long, it would appear that our team didn't get though the barriers of broadband speed over here to register for the next moonwalk, or it looks exceedingly unlikely, so fitness and inner well being has to be achieved somehow.

It's strange how you get to clock those feelings.. last night I realised I was turning inwards on myself again, too much time alone and working, too much stress, too many triggers from childhood taking effect, listening to the voices that tell you you are worthless and useless, things that become a fabric of our being, and that as adults we can choose to challenge and deny them the power they once held.
When I feel good and feel fit those voices become quieter, it puts me in control of them...so gym is definitely on the list and we may still be surprised and find we have places for May next year in London....oh the golden glow of memories and anticipation...!!!

Thank you for your comments and your patience with my erratic posting, thank you for coming back to visit...it is appreciated and new faces around too :)
I may have rambled, just catching up with myself a bit I guess

and appreciating standing still....

That was a tough week... scrutinised, observed, pulled apart and criticised, not just once, but it felt relentlessly, and to top it all a very hard funeral, a wonderful tribute, a wonderful service, but oh so hard, tears and emotion, energy sapping, so much feeling and emotion crammed into one space, crammed into my head too.

So, I crashed out last night after a lovely evening with friends...drained, worn out, and incapable of processing any more.

Time to take it easy for a while, almost self imposed. That said I haven't even looked at the assignments for this week yet, and I am playing catch up with friends later who I haven't seen for ages. I am emerging slowly and it feels good...necessary even, contact with the outside world beyond aims and objectives and assesment criteria and methods.

Thank God for friends who always have a spare place at their table, a cup of tea or a glass of wine and an open ear or a story to cheer and empathise... sometimes it's the only medicine we need.

loss

Nothing matters,
in a moment, life is gone, cut short,
forever, irreversible,
where to? who really knows?
the pain and the unreality go hand in hand,
disbelief, and yet knowing...

nothing matters, not really, apart from people and love and caring,
small treasured moments
the transparency of honest communication,
those who see straight past our veneers and into our souls, who see us as we are,
those who care, who we love dearly, without condition, without reason perhaps.

what we say and how we say it,
how we make someone feel, by our touch, our presence, our omissions,
All THAT matters, matters a lot,

we remember, not always the words, but how someone made us feel...
kind words, smiles, caring, valued, love lived every day in small ways...

lessons we learn over and over again and still we need reminding

Life isn't fair, life is hard, things happen we can't explain, can't reason
some people radiate love...
they are special,
it's not fair they should die, that they should no longer be around,

hard to accept, impossible to explain
hard to deal with, impossible to avoid

so final, so forever...

no words or quoted passages can reverse that moment, fast rewind...

tomorrow we say goodbye to a young soul who leaves behind a young family and many who thought highly of him...
It's hard, and life isn't fair...

explanations and reasons still don't change that,

tomorrow we face one of our deepest fears, it faces us, cold and stark,
we imagine and we go there, we feel and we are thankful too that we still remain,

and whilst we live, we live in possibility...and love

Under paper mountain

Life... still so so busy..
the assessments have been and gone - had almost forgotten I had a second one too!! Now they have triggered even more work, writing up, evaluating, reflecting on my evaluation...documentation gone a bit over the top, but who I am I to question it...??
will emerge from my paper mountain soon I hope :) once I have finished sleeping - which I will need once this is done, so I am looking for my vava voom which has gone astray..

in the rest of life we seem to be leaving a trail of broken / lost items behind us - which although they are merely items, and I know it's 'only money'!!??? is quite disconcerting and I do just wish that perhaps cars would stop breaking, being scraped, needing servicing and that vast amounts of sports and school equipment wouldn't keep getting lost/stolen and we could just keep hold of our pennies a little longer.. it's getting beyond a joke now...!
That's life though... and yes I know it's only money and I shouldn't mind, and part of me keeps it in perspective and part of me says if only, and wouldn't it be nice.... :)

'In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.'
[Martin Luther King Jr.]

A quote I found myself contemplating during one of my work breaks yesterday, which strikes a chord with me quite deeply...
certainly I have known that silence, a real silence born out of others not knowing what to say, their discomfort, awkwardness with my situation, to the degree I would end up apologising and trying to make them feel better and more able to deal with my pain.... and that was if they were actually there in the first place - if they hadn't abandoned me and cut me off completely because I wasn't in a place they could handle any more. Yet sometimes we need someone to just be with us, sit with us in our awkwardness and pain and discomfort - because if thats how they are feeling, then it is far worse for us in the middle of it, and we need a hand to hold, someone who isn't running away because it is all so scary and horrid and impossible - we need to know we aren't being left alone in a dark and scary place with shadows to keep us from sleeping.

So I pondered it a while and thought I'd post it.

That time was a while ago now thankfully, but it shaped my life ~ you never do forget the silence and I would never want any of my friends to feel that, would go out of my way to make sure noone did.

So, a light hearted interlude from the fourteen hours I spent in relentless planning and essay writing and preparation for tomorrow's assessment, with the odd distraction, even though my attempts to be distracted somehow failed miserably...!

I find that a strange phenomenum ~ that we are always distracted when we least want to be, and not distracted when we would like to be.
Good job I wasn't though - I guess someone was looking after me and making sure I stayed on task and didn't stray too far
Facebook potentially has a lot to answer for.

However, I was good and I achieved and ultimately that will be good too.

My brain ached and my legs were telling me I had stayed in one position for far too long and although I still have more to do there is the glimmer of a finishing post, with a chilled glass of something waiting for me at the end of it, or before then if I am good.

I'm keeping that reward firmly in my mind... and then I will come and visit you all like I have wanted to for ages and catch up and do all the things I have promised myself.. apart from I never do all the things I plan even though I do mean to - like clean the oven and decorate and sort through cupboards and drawers...
And actually the class doesn't really finish until Decemeber.

See you soon, x

Early hours

It's early in the morning.
A lack of coherent words has stopped me from posting - I seem to have been engrossed in a language only known to others on the same course as me, which makes me wonder how valid our course really is ~ just don't tell our tutor!!

I want to write, want to communicate, and there is so much I could say ~
so what is current?

Pip would ask about words to describe my life right now...
tired, stretched, yearning, doubtful and hopeful
what a meagre array of words.. yet when I think about them they are true, heartfelt for many reasons.

True we are struggling with teenage years - that is going to continue for years, and every parent alive will know what it is like to a degree.. they miss that out of parent classes - how to scare a potential parent!!
Yet they also don't tell you the sheer power of a young man's hug and him telling you he loves you and that you are his best friend.
So much I could say to that, but will leave it at the most amazing feeling and life giving force.

Honesty I can cope with - it doesn't matter how hard it is, at least you then know what it is.. deceit and lies are hard - you don't know at all...can't judge where you are, or what the correct response is - Why do people struggle so much to tell you the truth? Truth is a gift, no matter how cruel it may seem.. I value that..

perhaps it's the big things that pervade my world right now that make it so hard to communicate - I could fill these posts with daily grind but there hasn't been time for blogging that.
It was fantastic to get away last weekend, but since then we are back on track and inbetween are all the things you can't plan for, the tears and the laughter too...
it can make you wish for a smooth ride, but when when was that ever fun? I would say when was that true, but guess it is now and again!

Hey a strange phenomenum - my blood results have all gone upwards since I gave up the ongoing daily stress last year...
not sure how the medical world view it, but I think it's great :) a physical response to a situation, now reversed, although I honestly thought I was coping ok with it back then... very odd...but pleased I am feeling good and am ok now.

Despite the tears - including the recent death of R juniors coach aged 37 - noone should die so young, an amazing man, so lovely, and such a fantastic influence in R's life and mine too - we are looking for the positives, the things that give us hope, the fun things in life.. perhaps more so because of someone elses life cut short.

I am loving my new job - working hard and finding my feet - creating my own space and my own niche.
After Tuesday I will be around - I plan to have my camera back with me and some head space.

I didn't think I would miss this space I call my own, but I do, and I'm not sure it would matter too much if noone visited, although that has an effect ~ I would still want to write (when and how exactly did that happen????)

Thank you to those who still pop by - I do appreciate it :)

xx