He's back...

A bedraggled boy lugging a heavy bag full of muddy clothes arrived home safely after a wet and tiring week. After a long soak in a deep bubble bath, dry clothes and having raided the fridge he's settled back in, familiar sounds fill the house again and it feels soooo good...

Both children have spread their wings this week and been brought back home at the end of their respective trips, I'm pleased to have them back and am pleased they have been away - I hope and pray that they will always feel they can come home - want to come home - and that home should be a place of refuge and comfort and love... a safe place just to be themselves...

No sooner than I had thought these thoughts than I am aware of a new shared file on my itunes... and much as I love my son, I don't always want to share his music, at least not quite so personally, on my ipod... as no doubt he wouldn't want to share mine...

Enquiries reveal that the shared file is from l*mewi*e where the two boys (R and friend) have been downloading free music... and attempting to download a music video ... but have inadvertently not only downloaded a semi n*ked video... but managed to share it with anyone on our extended network... R's laptop from school and our friends laptop next door included....

I can quite see how it happened, though not overly amused at it being shared so freely... we must secure our network soon...!

fortunately it was relatively easily sorted and a lesson learned... there was a degree of embarrassment by the boys - though whether it was because of the video content itself, or because I found out, remains to be seen....

We now have managed to separate his music from mine, and all is back on track...

Yes I missed him dreadfully - a whole week free from chaos and scrapes... it's what makes my world go round... :)

Happy moments recently

S returned from her trip with an extra aura of self confidence, and serenity.... delighted to be home but pleased to have been away for the first time without us too.

She looked so grown up - with the longest legs ever - as she went in for her ballet exam today, hair pristine with blue flowers neatly around her ballet bun! nerves under control and smiling on the outside.

I'm missing R (junior) terribly, no news is good news and I'm sure he's having a fantastic time.... I bet there's no clean clothes left even now.... please god let the seas be calm on Saturday...

A belated birthday present.... :) what a surprise.... a total surprise.... bright and colourful, a scarf all the way from R's sister in Australia. S and I went to collect it from the post office after the exam ..... just the thought that someone has been thinking of me out of the blue makes me smile... and it is a rather nice scarf too...

and finally this evening an escape working with a group of young people on our battle of flowers float, seeing ideas coming together and hearing them wishing they could spend more time on it because the hour goes so quickly...

and now... time to spend reading before bed... the luxury of escapism... a couple of books I'd normally reserve for beach reading that won't stretch my brain cells, but are good for relaxing with.

Not many words around, am blessed with R who is the most amazing Dad to our two beautiful children... I can't think of anything more precious than that.

We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)

My few days off....

A few days off in a row have led to some rather interesting times.....

time for cleaning chalets now the yearly redecorate is almost complete, meaning a colossal shop for cleaning bits and pieces for the season... and cringing at the sheer volume of chemicals, regardless of the eco friendly contingent...

time spent with the family playing and enjoying each other - time to practise our unicycling skills - or lack of them....:) bringing out the stilts and pogo stick too....

time for haircuts and the eventual demise of the clippers - fortunately just as I came to the end of little R's haircut...

and some interesting conversations - unpressured time together can lead to ideas settling and taking shape - after which I feel rather like a kitten stuck up a tree... moving forwards, but knowing that there is an inevitable leap to the next tree not far ahead...

The Birthday surprise...

Finally the carpentry skills were revealed

and inside the box.... my very own hand made dream catcher :)

I have been inspired over the past months by various photo blogs.... and at various times I am inspired enough to give it a go....

yesterday I had a wonderful photo.... I was right next to several birds on our feeders, I had the camera ready but just at the critical second... they flew....

no bird photos from yesterday....

then when I returned, our cat, who is losing weight and who is, either through hunger pangs or increased energy, hunting more lately, had brought a bird into the house to play with and there were feathers everywhere....

fortunately we were able to let the bird fly and hope it wasn't too shocked to survive...

so I then set myself the challenge of capturing one of the many feathers on camera.... it's not easy, but it is fun... and quite addictive :)

It's quiet and peaceful, the lists of jobs are waiting. I flew back home to get on with them before going to collect the children from school. I opened the post, made a cup of tea, pottered around clearing bits and pieces but haven't got around to much else yet .....

This weekend R spent time with his friend, the one he thought he might not get to see again... it was wonderful... they laughed and played, tinkered, customised the kett car - or at least started to, dismantled gears, removed brakes... played music and were brilliant company for each other.
Any sadness or uncertainty about anything was put to one side as they stopped thinking and threw themselves into being and doing and enjoying every second of time they had together.

Seizing the moment and living it.

Sometimes I think thats what energises me about watching my children ... they ooze vitality from the inside out and it's catching.... as long as I let it...

perhaps there comes a time when we have to stop thinking quite so much and get on with doing....at least for a while, and hope the rest will fall into place...

There has been very little spare time recently, and when there has been any, I have had a tendency to give in to tiredness and fall asleep at any opportunity. Reading has come to an almost complete standstill, so blogs are almost ideal, not too long, and providing my brain with titbits of information, links and connections to ponder on over the day.

I took this very quick photo on my phone last year and was reminded of it when I spied something similar posted over at Mr Tumnus.

It takes me back to one of my happy places.... memories brought to mind by a post from The Harbour of Ourselves.

I seem to have many happy places, though beaches and sea feature in those closest to home.
This was on a secluded beach towards the end of the day, with a couple of friends, a barbeque and a guitar watching the sun go down and just being together.

It makes me smile just remembering.... it's good to be reminded of our happy places, and curious how a coincidence of words and images together can link to conjure up otherwise dormant memories.

Blogging...
some people have wise and wonderful words, some people have wonderful photos.

I just know that somewhere in most days there are moments of beauty and wonder that even if I can't embrace, I can at least acknowledge they are there.
Some days they are in abundance and some days they may hardly be visible....

I don't really know what to think....and I don't know how I feel...
Cancer is a destructive word that encompasses so many different presentations.... yet because of it's label it evokes a certain fear that even logic and reason can't totally overcome.

Today my Mum said goodbye to it for the fourth time...Once is bad luck, twice you grit your teeth and get through it, three times it feels as if someone is really taking the mickey, and now four times..... surgery is great.. sometimes (like today) it can be cut out and thrown away... and that beats the chemo and radiotherapy any day.

We are all a wee bit bruised and battered but we're still here...

Its been a shaky day. Work, waiting for Mum to return from theatre... me and Dad sitting yet again... a real sense of deja vu!

It's also been a day for making icecream - as we started sorting through old toys the icecream maker was rescued!

A day when an unexpected meeting with someone I have only ever spoken to on the phone took me by surprise but meant so much...

and a day when I watched the sun set with Sam and rocky the rabbit and we wondered what it would have been like before the houses were built and we could see right out to sea....

It was a beautiful day today, and as we started the mammoth task of spring cleaning the garden, this little guy decided to keep us company -
he ate worms ALL day, often fitting three or four in his beak at once...

My lovely friend Jayne takes far better bird pictures than this, but I was impressed we even managed one :)

There is so much left to do, both in the chalets and in the garden, that it is almost overwhelming.. but small steps and we will get there.

We discovered a couple of dead trees in part of the bordering hedge that will need replacing with something.... now it is just to decide what...

Later on, in the still of the early evening I was returning from a trip to the gym and I was struck by the sunset tonight, enough to deviate from my usual route so I could get a better view.

I stopped by the coast.

There were people sitting outside the pub laughing and chatting as the sun went down, people sitting on the sea wall eating fish and chips and sharing a bottle of wine, as I leant on the wall to try and catch the moment before the red finally disappeared I was aware of people sitting on the beach with picnics and drinks - it was peaceful, calm and stunningly beautiful, right here on my doorstep...

Summer is only a stone's throw away :)

"How old do I have to be before I can have a mobile phone?" is a question my son has been asking ever since various friends and classmates have been being given phones.
Our answer has always been that he will get one when there is a situation that warrants him having one.
So, after much thought, and considering the fact he is away for eight days staying with one his friends over Easter, on a farm in Gloucestershire, we decided to buy a new sim card for one of our old mobiles so he would have contact should he want it...
Only problem is we then discover he's in a valley with no mobile signal.... !!! It was worth the thought though :-)

Eight days... seems like forever.... I'm counting the days, or the sleeps... just like counting down to Christmas .....
He was homesick before he went, but sounds like he's having a totally brilliant time.....
most of it sounds like activity I can condone as long as I'm not there to watch it - the kind of thing I always imagine Dads do more with sons.... mountain boarding.... I hadn't heard of it until he went... and today was going to involve a JCB!..... he is outdoors, having fun and getting muddy - and I don't have to wash his clothes... yet !

Sam is still here at home, and has spent the holiday so far mainly with a friend learning how to heelie... it looks so much fun, I can just imagine myself whizzing down the corridors of the hospital extra fast.... :)

R is decorating the chalets ready for the fast approaching season, and I should be helping more than I am, but I have had to work - the first year I have ever had to work over the Easter holidays.

However, as of today, I am officially off until next tuesday, so it's paintbrushes and gardening equipment at the ready for tomorrow - oh and time to watch Sam heelie :)

How football is bad for the nerves

After several years of standing watching football on a Saturday morning... and sometimes Sundays too, I have seen tiny tots running around in chaos, develop and change into lads showing some signs of organisation, and occasional communication on the pitch.

Today was the semi final of an important cup between all the clubs on the island. It also meant that boys who had been playing on the same team last week representing their island, now played against each other on opposing teams.

Sam and I arrived at half time to find our team 3:0 up.....
Foolishly, oh so very foolishly..... I promised Sam we wouldn't have to stand for too long in the cold today.
The second half however saw the other team come back to equalise.
Many close calls, and valiant efforts later meant that even after 20 minutes of extra time it was still equal.
I could barely watch as the tension rose during the following penalties.... it was still equal.
Sadly they needed a winner to go forward to the final....
it was on to sudden death penalties - my football knowledge is minimal, but I am starting to get it slightly...

We watched as R came forward to take the next penalty.... I know why it is called sudden death...!

I forced myself to watch, and very thankfully he scored.... whatever happened after then, we had been spared an afternoon of gloom....

and then the icing on the cake... the goalie saved the next penalty and it was all over, R had won the winning penalty and saved the game for them...
you can't get closer than that!

Two hours after he had started, and an hour and a half after I promised Sam we wouldn't be long, we made our way home...

I wonder at the way football has wheedled it's way into my life, it has brought many blessings, and is now testing my nerves in ways I never thought it could...

If I dare, I will be at the final on April 24th....

People are so kind.... thankyou for your comments on my previous post, thay are much appreciated.

The Easter holidays are upon us now, and term finished for the children with the school disco..... S, as usual, was true to herself in a beautiful flowing skirt and t shirt, regardless of the other girls style.... long may her individuality shine and not be crushed by pressure to conform :)

R had an equally good time, as he strays into the territory of girls yet again....

Hormones are rife around this house, but the less said possibly the better.... enough that hygiene, deodorants and hair gel are in evidence.... I'll gloss over mood swings and attitude!

I do thank God profusely that I have R to support me as I feel very inept at this and incredibly protective over him - I may well hand over the reins to the male who knows, for fear of being way too overprotective. Perhaps I'll settle into it soon :)

Life has taken me away from many of the things that matter to me recently - which is why I am so pleased I was able to spend the afternoon with S sowing the seeds she had chosen a couple of weeks ago.
We worked, we chatted, we got our hands dirty, we even opened some stock seed pods I had saved from a few years ago, and sowed them too - I have no idea if they will come up or not.

A simple task, a promise fulfilled, and now we wait to see the results...

Once more I am reminded in concrete terms of how much the small things matter.
So much I can't do - but this wasn't hard, it just needed me to be there....... and time.
Sometimes that seems almost impossible.

The wizard...

We're back from seeing the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz... S had two performances at school today and another two tomorrow...

She was brilliant.... but then I would say that!

I now have catchy songs playing through my head... along with 'somewhere over the rainbow'!

I wonder what really lies at the end of the rainbow...

maybe all our childhood dreams?

Whenever I see children performing anything... or even just playing together, I love the way their energy just oozes out of them, and I don't ever want them to lose it...

I'm tired tonight - I've made it to the gym three days in a row and I'm waiting to feel revitalised...... it's a long time coming! I just feel achy and exhausted!

R has his school play on Monday - he's not that excited about it - but we DO have more football at the weekend.... the muratti which he is excited about - unfortunately he has been nursing an injured ankle - a collateral ligament injury since his game in Southampton, we're hoping he will be ok to play on the day....

Tomorrow is the first day of spring.

It's freezing ( though not quite literally) today, but the sun is shining and it looks wonderful, one of these days soon I will get out to carry on clearing the garden....

The past few days seem to have been mainly art related - which is satisfying and achievable... although deadlines are always stressful.... but because they are projects as opposed to commissions, I can be involved too....

a glass of wine and a paintbrush, some music and time together - life's not bad really! :)

Friday was spent concentrating on a large Irish landscape and rainbow for a St.Patricks day ball a friend was arranging, and much of Sunday was spent putting together the school display for this year's Eisteddfod. Yesterday after work I collected the remainder of the pieces to put up and added the final touches before R took the school inspector along to it today.

The school inspection has also played a major part in our lives recently - the build up and preparation for it... I can't understand why they don't just turn up and see what goes on in a normal day, although I suppose it's always nice to have advance notice of visitors.. there is a huge part of me that feels what they see is very contrived. Anyway... thats on this week and so far so good....

Perhaps Spring really is in the air - I woke with a compulsion to clear and sort.. and the piles of paperwork have diminished considerably...... though everywhere I look there is more to clear, and when that's done there is decorating to start.....

The plant is my mother's day present from the children... a citrus tree for the conservatory

We had a fantastic trip.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time - I know that sounds so sad, but it's true :)

The boys played magnificently and I was so proud, not just of Footballer R but of the whole team... they were truly a whole team.

Supporters were few from our island, but we made up for lack of numbers in our enthusiasm, and the team seemed pleased to have some support... my usual quiet persona completely changes when I'm on the side lines and I suddenly find my voice!

We only planned to turn up for their matches and it was pure coincidence that our paths crossed while shopping and after lunch on the way to the final match of the tour.

It was lovely to see R's face light up whenever we did bump into each other ~ it seems I haven't damaged any street cred yet!

Even my friend and shopping partner, S, who is a non footballing Mum was cheering them along with me at the last game.

Football aside, we shopped ~ I don't shop very often but soon got the hang of that too ~ and we ate and shared chocolate, managed to navigate our way to Newbury and Portsmouth feeling very Thelma and Louise like and rested our weary brains and legs watching Music and Lyrics at the cinema!

In a strange way something was happening ~ it could be called healing, hope, peace, space, warmth, love... who knows, medicine for a bruised soul ~ and as we turned to come back home from the last match I looked at the sky and took this picture.

It changes nothing, yet somehow we are given the tools to help us cope and take on the next challenge.

It was a very special, very precious trip.

The children's enthusiasm for various things is infectious.... why else would I end up going on football tour?
We are packed and waiting to be picked up to go to the airport.
The excitement is palpable, we have tickets, passports, and R junior has all his kit.
R and S will have a great time together. The Mother and son and Father and daughter split is rarely done ~ treasured time, although it has been made quite clear to me that these are boys on tour.... and parents, I imagine especially Mum's, are not really that cool.... so I will stand on the side lines, cheer them along and take my place... then disappear to shop at my leisure.... :)
R is fine about me being around - he likes the idea - I just hope he is still happy when we return....

It was a beautiful sunny day...

Loss, change, grief, familiar subjects to me both in theory and in life....

I once attended a conference entiltled 'Ordinary days, shattered lives'.... how true that statement is.

We can never know where it will come from or when... and when it does, it hits harder and deeper than anyone ever tells you.

Sometimes it is easier to not feel or think, just doing is the only way through....
Yesterday I spent just doing...and trying hard not to think.
Today I am in shock, stunned... all is ok... yet I am left reeling

I might not leave this up for long... yet without posting I'm not sure I'd find the words to come after it.

It is the gradual return to reality and normality....

I am ok, my family are ok.

Tomorrow I fly with R junior to Southampton on football tour.
Three days space and time to let me think again, and expand my world beyond those immediately surrounding me.
Right now my world feels very, very, small.

We dwell in possibilities that lie ahead....

so many things flying around my fuddled brain lately.
The migraine retreated but didn't leave completely.... enough to let me go out to a wine tasting, but not enough to let me taste any wine :(

I haven't given up alcohol for lent - somehow it seems to have given me up!

Now and again conversations about being true to ourselves, about only getting one go at this life and not having regrets, seem to surface. They are wise, well worn phrases that sit comfortably, quietly in the corner until something happens to give real meaning to the words.

Confronting us with the real challenge of finding a way of actually living out those ideals.

Somehow, and it's uncanny, yet, when these big questions come up we find ourselves faced with just the right people at the right time to help us sort out whatever dilemma is facing us.

Last night was one of those times, letting me glimpse even just small possibilities.

Strangely today, despite many questions and uncertainties, my soul feels soothed...

things work in mysterious ways.....

These are coffee beans all the way from Kilimanjaro, direct from the producer - a present from my friend, the one I should have been climbing with - the aroma is amazing, rich and deep and I know I need to buy a coffee grinder in the next few days......


We finally got together to look through her photos and catch up with each other, but at the end of the afternon we realised we really needed to make an evening of it soon...
I heard about the highs and lows, about sheer effort and willpower, and how hard it was to make each step on the last stretch towards the summit.

She showed me pictures of the man who owns this coffee plantation, and told me some of his story.
It was just enough, together with the pictures, to have a tiny glimpse of his life, so very far removed from life here....

Remarkable that we share the same planet yet live worlds apart.


This week I also met an apricot and walnut producer from Pakistan, who came over as part of fair trade fortnight. His story of how fair trade is transforming the lives of people in his community is truly inspiring.
It's encouraging to see the choices we make having such a positive effect, and humbling to hear his appreciation.

It really does make a difference, and I needed to hear that, just to remind me.

Staring out to sea from the window by my desk, looking beyond the buildings to the sea rolling in. Watching the sea change not just with the seasons, but daily, even several times a day, a vast expanse beyond my vision, the unknown... Such a familiar view, yet never constant.

Dreaming, hoping, longing, yearning...... praying perhaps, contemplating ...
The oceans, just as the sky and the stars, connecting somehow.

Today my thoughts focused on, and were very much with R junior while he was taking his exam.
Now it's over he is starting to relax.
Even the fact that Liverpool didn't win today hasn't had an adverse effect on his mood.... somehow he seems to have grown slightly older, slightly more mature, more together, in a matter of hours.
Perhaps it's what happens when we face our fears and come out the other side.
Perhaps it's just we rarely see it.

Happy Birthday ...

Eleven years ago R junior arrived, came to join us in this remarkable adventure...

the start of a new and interesting, challenging, rewarding, constantly surprising and love filled journey...

Today he was ill, but there was still room for cake and presents and wishes from various parts of the world :)

A splash of colour in the kitchen, picked from the garden with love....
a gift, so simple and so beautiful.

In the middle of a busy house, alive with birthday and exam preparations, and anxiety and anticipation, my children brought the perfect antidote ~ a smile, a reminder of love, and the promise of spring.

Today...

Wilful and mischievious - I just spent the best part of an hour cleaning out the bunnies, and whilst walking past heard some rather loud knocking and thudding coming from the cage... Rocky upending and rearranging my hard work!

caught in the act - totally covered in sawdust!

It was lovely to wander around the garden, mentally noting the extent of work to be done, and seeing the signs of spring everpresent amongst the debris of winter....

Stories, stories everywhere....

The course wasn't nearly as intense as the last one ~ a huge relief.

Instead those gaps were filled with chatter interlaced with stories.

After the first day the three of us, virtual strangers, who were staying in hotels decided on an evening together. Seeing as all the places to eat were packed, we ended up chilling out in the bar and sharing stories. Funny stories, sad stories, heart stories, unfair stories.... they flowed into one another, parts of history shared between us all. More stories were shared on lifts to and from the course venue. Some kind of bonds were formed, addresses and e mail shared. Perhaps, hopefully, paths will cross in the future.

Then, sitting quietly with a coffee and my book at the airport, I was observing those around me.

A couple who were sipping wine and drinking in every detail of each other, a lady who put in 50p for internet access to scour her e mails until she obviously found the important one ~ I wondered how long she got for her money and imagined it running out before she finished reading... and another lady who sat down by a computer momentarily, before getting up and sitting next to me. There were very few spaces to sit, and she didn't want to take space at a computer when she didn't want to use it. Shared travel stories ensued and developed into work and personal stories...

We were separated on the plane, but on the opposite side of the aisle was a young girl.

When we landed, I took down my bag from the overhead locker - a CBBC bag the children won in a competition when they were smaller. This prompted the girl to comment on it, apparently the logo has changed and she knew exactly which years the bag would have been from.... a trigger for her Mum to start chatting, and even more stories....


People do love sharing stories, almost need to share stories, need to have their stories listened to. It made me think too that everyone of us has a story to tell. Many, but not all, of the stories shared were sad stories. None of them really needed a response in terms of doing anything about them... they just needed to be told, and listened to...

Their value is in their telling.

A story at every corner...

and now I'm home...

and much to dwell on, think over and question, still the new girl in most areas of my life it seems, forever learning, forever questioning and forever not feeling quite sure - life on a wing and a prayer...

too many toes dipping in water testing the temperature

always something new to greet me...

The course was good though with many laughs, reminiscent of student days and time out for food and shopping, escaping the loved up couples on Valentines in the bar of one of the other hotels....

no exam whilst on this course, instead it's waiting in my bag, all sealed waiting for me to take later this week...

Shelter

Last night I was aware, in parts, of the storms and high winds howling around the eaves of our bedroom. In those moments I was so pleased I wasn't half way up a mountain.
Today is a day of shelter, taking stock of where we are at, what needs to be done and how to move forward.

I am enjoying listening to midlake, courtesy of the recommendation from LB, a large mug of freshly brewed coffee by my side. We have just been baking banana muffins and melting moments. The children have been asking for ages, and I've put them off again and again.... I guess half the fun is in the mess and the licking of bowls, but the children don't see mess, they just enjoy. I don't remember seeing it either when I was small....
Now the delicious smells from their creations are wafting through the house I do feel rather guilty for my tardiness..

Plans are afoot for exhibitions coming up soon. R has included me in his plans, a push forwards into new territory for me... I'm not used to being in view and am usually more of a background ideas person in this small team.... however, we'll see how things develop. There are lots of ideas floating around ....

Today I'm taking time to stand and stare...I'm not sure it is getting anywhere, but it feels good and necessary....

With more storms forecast for tonight, it's time to shelter quite literally and so, just in case the winds reach the levels predicted, we have even brought the rabbits inside...

and, just to remind myself, from school days...


What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies

Phenomenal

Tonight was Sam's dance concert. Last week the dance festival was all about competition, tonight was for fun, much freer ~ the joy of just dancing, art in motion. We sat transfixed for over two hours, even little R didn't mind....

the culmination of weeks of practice, anticipation, preparation, stress and anxiety, nervous butterflies, busy chatter...... all came together wonderfully.

Last week was polite and proud applause from the audience, all the while with an underlying tension and comments judging performance.

Tonight was heartfelt clapping, some cheering from friends, the occassional whistle even...

Mistakes were embraced, accepted, not criticised. The dancers knew they were among friends.

Makeup removed, tutus safely stored, hair accessories put away....

11.10pm and finally she is tucked up in bed ~ all danced out for now :)

Two years until the next one...

Full ....

My head is bursting......
information overload, sensory overload and emotional overload
Constantly being topped up.

the girls are off to Kilimanjaro tomorrow.......... go girls, go .... to the top :)
....or rather as far as they can....

sadness and mixed feelings.... I should be with them, but can't, and decided I needed to be with little R right now.....

we're all working hard together.
I'm away in Southampton next week, training again, and am studying hard.
Little R is on half term, but wanting work to do in the holiday ready for an exam he's got when he goes back...
a shift in his thinking and working that has been noted at school too.
As hard as I tried to stem them, tears were lurking when I heard about how far he has come in the past few weeks since Christmas...

Tears when they achieve and tears when they don't ...... the overflow of emotion....

The world is full of beautiful people, as Pip so rightly says...


Beautiful people who effect other people ~

Today a friend had a major operation off island. Fortunately prayers for surgeons with steady hands and clear sight were answered and anxiety was replaced with relief :-)

Beautiful people who send parcels to people they have never met,

Beautiful people who call to say they want to spend time in the Summer with you,

Beautiful people who share feelings, and worries, and thoughts, and laughter over coffee,

Beautiful people who smile and ask you what you think, who want to hear your ideas, and share theirs,

Beautiful people who wave as you pass in the car,

Beautiful people who let you in when they are grieving, and beautiful people who shut you out,

Beautiful people laughing, smiling, crying, hurting, loving.... feeling


Beautiful people everywhere, who make life special, and the ordinary.... extraordinary.

Chocolate and surprises

Chocolate and surprises - two of my favourite things......

So what a wonderful surprise to find a chocolate filled package from the truly lovely Caroline waiting for me last night, a beautiful person thinking of others. Made my day...

It's delicious.... thank you x

Looking up

Am feeling much better.....

helped in a small way by a few things ~

A thank you card we received today, totally unnecessary, out of the blue, from someone we met in the middle of last year.
Thank yous are always lovely to receive, but even more so when it's not expected and when it's for something very small. The timing was excellent too - some people seem to always get it right..... I don't, but this was perfect...

I was also dog sitting for my Mum - the dog rested in her bed, and I rested on the sofa.... she has an uncanny way of just knowing, picking up on feelings and emotions, I remember that from our dog when I was growing up too.
Added to that I finished two books totally unrelated to work, enjoyed the calm of their garden, relished the peace and quiet, and just being in my own space - wonderful.... :)

It's viral......
the diagnosis that covers all ills that can't otherwise be explained - fatigue, headaches, nausea, feeling like something dragged up on the shore... that can't quite be shaken off.

Rest and fluids, three days off and hope that finally I'll be back to 'normal', or at least functioning properly.

I don't remember seeing a colour image of a virus before, this one is polio, but google tells me that many are just as beautiful :-)
Reminds me of a gobstopper type sweet that looks tempting but tastes awful
Pretty on the outside but not so great inside....
or a particle from space.... I can see it as a sculpture, or part of one..

Whatever it looks like though, I'm tired of it, when I'm not dozing, I'm too tired to read for long, bored by daytime tv, not able to concentrate on work.......
A whirl of things going round in my head.

It's really not convenient to be ill right now, but it's never going to be convenient....
and I can't remember the last time I was given, or gave myself, permission to just look after me, even if it is only during school hours ....
so it's time to let go and go with the flow for a while...

Not quite bayw*tch....

Riding waves seems to be the theme of the week....

Given the weather lately, the surf was looking good, that is from the safety and warmth of our house, or even from the car....... dramatic, stunning, wild, untamed, spectacular....

Freezing and dangerous also spring to mind....

However, it would appear that some people are blessed with less sensation in their body than me and jumped at the idea of spending two hours in ice cold water trying to stay upright on a surfboard... at one with nature, battling the elements......

S and I watched from the beach to start and then retired to drink hot chocolate and coffee and read our books until the boys had quite finished.

I have to admit it did look like fun if it had been a blissfully hot Summer's day.....

but it's the middle of winter....

Growing up...

Outside it's sunny again, and I'm recovering from a sickness bug that brought me home from work yesterday - I'm never sick, yet since I've been back in the hospital I've been ill twice in a month!!

It also meant we couldn't go out last night, and so I had inadvertently thrown cold water over little R's initial forays into girls ....... nothing like a meddlesome Mum, even when she doesn't mean to be....

He's been very forgiving, although even he could see I wasn't well enough to go, and is very open talking in front of us
I think thats good........ I don't really know ........ boys came into the equation a lot later than ten for me..... but I know I didn't talk about them in front of my parents.....

He's waiting for an e mail back from her - how times change......

I wandered into S's room and laid on her bed -
things move forward, I love her room, it's full and busy and pink and fluffy, a nightmare to clean and dust and keep organised, but I love it.

Moments to treasure while they are here........

Update

Big beaming smiles, happy phone calls, tears of joy and of pride - the letter arrived via school, he's in the team.....

his hard work has earned him the sweet taste of success, and an inner pride that will build confidence and self worth

for that I am grateful to football :)

Today I have a whole day off, an opportunity to seize the moment and achieve.....

So what happens? I sleep and sleep and sleep, have very odd dreams and sleep some more, until I really think some of the ideas I've been dreaming about I mustn't forget and I'd better wake up.....

On with the show .....

Football dreams and other thoughts

This morning we had the last selection trials for the island under eleven football team.

We'll find out midweek whether little R is in or out....

The process has dragged on for months now and seeing as it ranks highly on his scale of what is important to him, it's important to us too.

If he's accepted it'll boost his confidence no end - something that we can't have enough of in this house.

However, seeing as there have been so many delays and communication has been scant over the past few months, we've found ourselves preparing him for possible rejection without trying to dampen his enthusiasm or his self belief, whilst keeping it all in perspective....

I guess we're moving from sport 'just for fun' to 'competitive sport' with it's own set of agendas and politics.... oh joy!!

New lessons for me to learn too ~ as a nonsporty child I didn't come anywhere close to this.....

fingers crossed, x

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Rejection and learning to cope with it is hard - some people say you just have to get up and keep on going, but it's not that easy.

I spoke to a friend the other day about school playground issues, being left out, not being invited to join in or be involved.

About how it feels when you have been included and then are left out, losing favour when you've done nothing wrong - how much it hurts us as parents as much as it hurts our children.

I thought about how it happens, even as adults. Perhaps people don't even realise they hurt us so much by their omissions, but it still hurts.

Do we ever fully leave the playground? I'm not sure we ever do...

And do we stay in this one or look for another one?

Rejection when it is personal, hurts.... yet even people who know that pain, still reject others and so it goes...... pass it on....

Just things I am mulling over at the moment....

It was hard but....

I'm back - have had sleep and food and wine and hugs and love.
I'm back to feeling human.

The course was tough, tougher than I'd imagined it could be.
I have worked and studied ~ no time for the gym, or swimming pool, jacuzzi or sauna, no time for shopping....

New information to understand and assimilate, remember, and then time for a few hours sleep before a new lot of information came my way.

I was sure the others on the course had so much more experience than I did.
In the end I'm not so sure - I think we were all overwhelmed by the degree of information and short time to get to grips with it.

The exam was yesterday afternoon, results in a fortnight.....

After delays in travel, I arrived home late last night, all ready to collapse into a warm bed :)
It was an assault on the senses, stretching the grey matter more than it has been worked in years...

In a strange way it felt good to be challenged by facts and understanding.... reawakened the thirst for more knowledge.

In amongst this were people ~ a lovely couple I ended up talking to over supper on the first night as we waited nearly an hour and a half for our food, and who acquired free wine for us all while we waited :), some wonderful hotel staff who made sure I had lunch to take out every day, the course leader who drove around Southampton countryside for ages trying to get me back to my hotel after the first stressful day, and the other girls on the course, one of whom I will meet in February when I go over again...

Today I've been recovering - the reward for hard work, it feels good

Nearly there

It's been a manic Sunday...

Finally I'm all packed and ready, a few bits left to add in the morning.
Money to pick up, and I'll be away.

When I kiss the children and R goodbye tomorrow morning I won't see them till Thursday evening.
I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss them - I've only ever been a single night away on my own since they were born.
That feels weird, and I'm not sure I like it - I still feel like I need them as much as they need me and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

I know they'll all be fine - and I've got some serious work to get on with.
The hotel looks wonderful, and I shall have space to read and relax inbetween studies.

Internet access but no computer.....

Will catch up next weekend,

aurevoir

Things sometimes work out....

The New Year got off to a wobbly start, with the realisation on the way to work yesterday, that I really didn't feel too well.
However, putting it to the back of my mind, and avoiding all food or drink other than water, I was able to keep the nausea at bay and plod through most of the morning's work.
There have been a few times since I started this new job, when I have been taken aback by what can only be called the kindness of human nature and yesterday was one of them. We were busy and already one member of staff down, yet every one of the team helped out when they were able. I felt totally supported and cared for, and was sent home slightly early with an assurance that if I wasn't well in the morning I wasn't to go in.

It is six months since I finally finished my previous job. It was more than a job, it was something I worked for from my heart, I loved it but it was a job for more than one person on their own and I had no one to share it with. Choosing to hand in my notice was emotionally painful and it's been a long recovery.
A much valued service was taken away from people as a result, and although I cannot be responsible for it, I still hurt with that knowledge, and will continue to search for a way around it.

I know I have been reluctant to enthuse too much about my new job, probably because it lacks some of those vocational qualities I've always searched out in whatever I've done previously.
I've wondered where I am going to, wondered how fulfilled this is going to make me, yet knowing on a logical, cognitive level, that it was, as one of my close friends would term it, 'a good call', a much needed change on many counts.

I'm now sitting here, having had 19 hours solid sleep, feeling much better, and am truly thankful that I am in a position, not just doing something I'm enjoying, but where people care about me. That it's not just enough for me to care about others, but that I am worthy of being cared for too. Surely that shouldn't be such an odd concept....?

So far it's been a steep learning curve, with new skills to develop and perfect, but I'm well on my way. Next week I'm away in England to start on the next stage of my training, and looking forward to it.

I'm not sure what the catalyst for change is, but I know life happens regardless of the plans we make.
I tend not to make New Years resolutions, but rather make them up as I go along. This time last year I wouldn't have predicted being in the situation I am in now.
I still have no idea where it's all going to, but perhaps we do really end up exactly where we are supposed to be somehow.

All over so soon....

Wow that was quick... and intense. Tomorrow R is back to work, then the children are back the following day.

They are ready.....

too many late nights, too much staying inside, too much having to be good, watching what they say, too little freedom.
I hate feeling restricted, contained, smothered, other people's expectations.... it's not surprising they don't like it either.

Sometimes the lid has to come off the pot and let the steam out - safely, but it has to be let out.
We all need our safety valve, be it football, dancing, art, music, whatever...

With the forthcoming term upon us it only seemed sensible to sort some essential, and some not so essential shopping.

The children needed shoes, Sam needed some winter boots, and I didn't need anything, but I did find some wellies ...

all I need now are a few puddles to splash in :)

The start of a brand new relationship

Slowly does it...

The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.

We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x

Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)

Hormones....

Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.

I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...

The process of discovery

Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.

As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...

A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.

Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."

I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too

Its almost unremarkable...

Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.