back to health and back to work...

latest tests confirm that the summer and lots of iron and red wine and good food and some rest have worked their magic and returned the body back to good health...
whoops of joy that the recent surges of energy are not imagined but have their roots in something more physical...
Incredible that such a simple deficiency can make you feel so feeble, and totally wretched, and incompetent at just living, and yet it can be rectified easily by an awareness to detail and a degree of nurturing and caring...

perhaps just caring enough to feed the body, instead of ignoring it's needs and merely relying on it not to give up...


as I face the return to work, so R junior starts at secondary school... am praying his first days are as uneventful as my first day back was today... we try to quell the nerves and anxieties but it's not until we're through it that we know whether they were justified concerns or not...

and so new school shoes are bought and the flip flops are (nearly) put away... signs that lazy days of summer are starting to fade...

So many beautiful words and thoughts, phrases and quotes written in the margins or tucked at the top of blogs I visit regularly that become familiar and are so easy to overlook...
and so many beautiful moments all around, waiting to be lived...


"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out"

I like that...lots...

from Shaz at 'dare to dream'
an inspiration and my newest entry in my sidebar :)

figments of our imagination...

Until I became a parent, I hadn't realised the very fine line between childhood magic and fantasy, and deceit...

Of course there is a F*ther Christm*s...and a t**th fairy...
my husband introduced me to the E*ster b*nny too....!

but once you have made friends with these very real figments of our imagination how do you deal with them....?

There have been times when, as a very tired stand in M*ther Christm*s, I have been very tempted to just leave it up to the real one to sort the presents out...and let me get some decent sleep in the knowledge I will be woken at some unearthly hour anyway... but that seems slightly too risky to be feasible...

and now I am being let down very badly by the t**th fairy for similar reasons...
It would appear that she is seriously shirking her responsibilities and not coming to my rescue as I am now flunking my t**th fairy exams, or more accurately continuous assessment, in spectacular fashion.... good intention doesn't get the job done...neither does sitting watching a film with a very nice bottle of wine and falling into bed without a second thought for the tooth so carefully placed under the pillow...

escape plan A has worked a couple of times in the middle of the night when a distressed child has woken us to say she hasn't been... again... turns out the window has been firmly closed and so obviously she couldn't get in, open the window and by the morning all will be well....

escape plan B is in progress......

how does anyone keep on believing in a fairy who is so bad at her job....?
well this one is fairly sure she has been rumbled... but no one is saying...

she tried not playing for a while, but got told off....
she has considered asking if they still believe but then that would shatter an illusion... and illusion and fantasy and magic are fun.....and it might just leave her exposed as a fraud...
is this a time for confessional moments....
but who says it's just fantasy anyway?

which leaves her sitting nicely in the middle of nowhere.... a guilty fraudster conned by the child in her that can't let go and wants to keep the dream alive.... yet failing miserably ~ it really is quite hard to be a good fairy.... and even harder not to be one at all...

(and whats the betting that some child googles this despite my efforts
- do I need more *'s ?)

*actually looking at the size of those roots in baby teeth, I think the tooth fairy would be pretty mean not to give generously... *

As happens with big days and events, it takes a while for them to sink in, at the time there is so much activity and energy and focus on bringing it all together that it's a buzz.... lived through and experienced, but digested later...

there was a huge amount of excitement from the kids and anticipation, and in the end it's not the float as much as the experience that made the day...

Size was irrelevant... it looked good, and when we had the banner and the kids and they were giving out sweets and stickers, and had decorated t shirts, the inflatable bananas and music accompaniment, we certainly weren't going to be overlooked...

They were proud of their work and rightly so.... involved in every step of the process they claimed it as theirs - which was fantastic... and despite some nerves, they shone....numerous photo opportunities as we went around the arena.. and then onto the night time illuminated parade too...

nerves seemed to have faded by the evening....and together with a carnival like atmosphere they were on a high...

They did in fact win their category and would have won a trophy had it not gone missing, but that didn't seem to matter too much...
A memorable day for all the right reasons...and hopefully remembered by many others, not just by us....

and it never rained... :)

am equally as pleased that the weather has stayed bright for those in my sidebar and others who are away at the greenbelt festival....am certain the weather doesn't make it.... but I'm sure it helps....

small with big ideas...

I know it's never wise to compare yourself to others...
oh we were so proud of our efforts....we've looked after it and put in hours of work...
even got up early so the roads were quiet to take it to the park...

honestly it looked big when there was nothing to compare it to....
now all we can do is laugh at our big ideas, our grand delusions... how foolish...
we have laughed and laughed this morning....

our tiny float sitting next to it's bigger flashier neighbours....

"at least we've got blow up bananas" the children are saying - oh and lots of people to make noise, and sweets... (perhaps bribery helps)... and music... maybe if you make a lot of noise it gives an appearance of being bigger than you really are... we have all the trimmings...

it's fun, it is what it is... there's pure quality under that small exterior.... who says that size is important anyway?...

the small float with big ideas.... waving the flag for fair trade ...

more to follow later...

motivation has been in decline and I think I could quite easily ease into a new comfort zone of relaxation and little work, late nights, late mornings good food and wine and general self indulgence.... thats holidays for you...

the reality of life beyond holidays is all too close...and today I broached both health and work issues...

on top of that we worked solidly on the float, which is now as ready as it can be until it is assembled at the last minute tomorrow.. photos to follow I promise...
and having just finished putting the final flowers on it and arrived home, the heavens opened....

hopefully it will survive it's night wrapped in tarpaulin and if it rains on the parade tomorrow it will be a soggy mess...along with lots of other soggy messes....

in need of rejuvenation and escape I headed down to the beach and the family followed... we walked along the shore,climbed over rocks, looked in rockpools, and paddled at the waters edge.... the sun went down and then reappeared just in time to set..
I loved the reflections and the almost surreal, ethereal feel as we watched the sun go down...

time for bed...

Because...
it's good to focus on other things sometimes... and it's easy, well it is for me anyhow, to get caught up in stuff thats likely going to happen whatever and however, and has had plenty of time spent on it already...
and because when I get caught up in all those things I miss others...




Yesterday S disappeared into the garden - "I'm going to pick flowers" she said....
Next thing we knew there was a huge clatter in the conservatory...
"It's ok - it's only water...I'm clearing it up..." she called through to us
I resisted the urge to go and check - she was calm and controlled - I should be able to let her deal with situations and trust she is old enough not to need me to clear up her mess...

the reward...
a vase full of beautiful flowers I hardly realised were out there...

There is nothing quite as beautiful as a gift from the heart to ground me and make me realise whats important... every time I look at them...

Oh for a child's simplicity...

Sparks, lights and Sundays...

Lazy Sunday mornings....a fading memory of student days long gone when staying in bed reading the Sunday papers or recovering from the night before were just what happened...

When I was little we always went to church - and you know what - it was always fun....
people seemed happy to be there and Jesus was a cool guy who we all wanted to know more about and learn to be more like...
the priest was fun... he even wore Jesus sandals and would come round for cups of tea...and he played rugby....
It felt like a family and I really did look forward to sundays...
one week I stayed over with some friends of ours and went to church with them...it was different but still good fun....
I grew up saying night time prayers and wanting to be a nun ....but then we all emulate those we admire I suppose.

It was as if all the lights were on and I wanted to know more....

Then gradually things changed... the priest changed, I moved school, people became very serious and I was told I had to go to confirmation classes... it became very dictatorial and prescriptive and the lights started to go out.. one by one.... in fact this quiet calm compliant girl really shook the boat when she refused to be confirmed because she didn't know what she was being confirmed into, and whether she wanted to...or WHY she was supposed to believe what she was told she should believe in.... the priest even came out for that one... ;)
oh and somewhere along the line - much earlier on, I had also had a change of heart on the career front...a wise choice in hind sight I think...

however, logic prevailed... I gave in and was confirmed...but the lights stayed very dim for a long time...

In London the church near the tube would sometimes leave it's doors open... and when Mum was ill I would pop in on my way back from work and again, very gradually, the lights started to come on....

Then when we wanted to get married we were told we had to attend more classes.... I was in love..and we wanted to marry, so we had to attend...I put on my very best grin and bear it face and we got through - they thought I really enjoyed it...I was always happy....!

lights are fading again....

There was a virtual eclipse when, after several miscarriages they told me they wouldn't baptise R if he was born prematurely unless we attended yet more classes....

what is it with this national obsession....?

however, as they were being very kind to us they managed to squeeze us in to a full course, although it wasn't really the norm....I didn't smile throughout those classes...
anyhow, R arrived two weeks late... so it turned out to be a lot of fuss for no good reason...

We were spared classes when S was born... though they would have liked us to...

there were more classes for us, not just for R and S for their first communion....

and soon R is going to be asked to attend a two year long course of confirmation classes....

I don't want to inflict my stuff, my issues onto him - perhaps they'll be fun... it just seems nothing changes... when did we lose sight of the cool guy I loved as a child - who helped me through in London, who has sat with an arm round me on many dark nights and reassured me all would be ok somehow......and who I still believe in and want my kids to love too.... when will the church start turning lights on instead of off... leaving doors open instead of keeping them locked unless you pick up the key on your way out of the class with your certificate and badge... one of the elite who has been allowed in...

so I search for ways to turn lights back on....

church doesn't really do it for me though I want it to... really want it to....but gradually there are sparks ignited by people I have met.. and books I have read that I had never heard of before... and certainly even if I had heard of them I doubt I'd have read them... not in the dark anyway...

I have to thank blog land for some of these sparks... gradually I am reading, digesting, rarely feel able to comment - am not qualified to comment or even to have an opinion most of the time...well ok I am qualified to have an opinion - just perhaps not such an informed opinion as I'd like....

so please keep those book recommendations out there and keep writing, making me think more and question, and reconcile some of the wondering with the awe I felt as a child...

the sparks are helping and keeping me going :)

Serendipity and things that make me smile...

The holidays are flying past and on a practical level we need to prepare for the start of term...
Saturdays spell cleaning for us and greeting and being nice hosts and hostesses...
sometimes I hate being nice to order...

last night as I sat sewing name tapes in... a tedious task.... we relaxed watching 'Maid in Manhattan' a feel good film borrowed from a friend....... we rarely get to watch any films together... in fact have seen very few movies... tonight we have 'Serendipity' - recommended by Jayne. In fact it's been one of the things I have enjoyed this break - watching dvd's we haven't seen before... 'Little Miss Sunshine' was a real treat to see in Herm when it rained...


However, serendipity is on hold for the rugby....
do I mind the boys ask?

Considerate I think, but they know my heart beats ever so slightly faster when my Jonny is playing... and he doesn't disappoint...I admire him for many reasons - but the sheer testosterone oozing from the screen is addictive too...and he makes it all the more interesting to learn more about the game...
a great athlete with fantastic legs... and he hardly ever misses...
ok, I'm easily pleased but he will bring a smile to my face and lust is allowed when it's the gorgeous Mr Wilkinson...shame about the result though...

there are more name tapes to sew.. and other things left to do... can't believe how fast this holiday is going... and am only just getting into it...



oh and a couple of things that made me smile today - in preparation for the start of term I picked up the latest night class brochure - I'd seriously miss my silversmithing class if I couldn't do it...
seems like every other person we know is teaching this year... a sign of the times - it's expensive just to live here....
but honestly.... who thinks up the titles of some of the classes....?

'art for the terrified'.. repeat course ( I'm guessing because it didn't work the first time round... they are still terrified? )
and 'living with hearing loss - repeat course'... had us giggling... however juvenile that is...!

Finally got to watch Serendipity...a beautiful film about love and fate and destiny...thanks Jayne, x

A heart came though my door...

a heart to hold, to treasure, to remember..

A heart that says I care, I am thinking..

A heart to tuck away in a pocket ...

or in my bag to bring a smile when I spy it sitting there...

A heart to remind me that someone has thought...

thought I am special ...

it's smooth and cool...

and is beautifully tactile...

I love this heart... and I love more the thought behind it, thanks Caroline, x

Preparation, preparation, preparation...

Tired eyes tonight, and aching muscles....
we couldn't live for too long without a schedule or plan of sorts...
So, we decided to devote at least part of today to the process of construction of the float.... it's not big, but it is requiring an inordinate amount of preparation to provide the support for the actual 'display' to be mounted on.... it all needed bolting, screwing or fixing in some way to each other, and as it's generally safer and easier to use power tools and saws when there is just us around, we spent more time than originally intended there ... time well spent, yet so little to see for our efforts - time to start to make it look pretty tomorrow when the other children are around.. oh and the television are coming down too....

I know preparation is always the key... but it is soooo tedious.... maybe not helped by the filling and sanding going on in S's room at home too...

lots of half finished, well prepared jobs...

and just started back again and nowhere near being finished on my latest antedote to excess indulgence over the holidays... my return to the gym....

a warning...
beware new shiny machines that look deceptively like an ordinary cross trainer and promise perfect glutes and quads...
the people who design them must have serious sadistic tendencies... I've not worked as hard for a long time - enjoyable wasn't a term that came to mind as I sweated my way through todays workout... however, I have a feeling it may be quite effective if used over a period of time.... and maybe one gets used to the pain... not a conclusion I want to jump to without due consideration...

then, just about enough time to get to the cinema to watch Hairspray with the girls... S's friends and a couple of mine... only a few days since we were there with our visitors watching the Simpsons...
thoroughly enjoyed both for different reasons... makes me realise though that the only films we ever get to see these days are children's films...

It's not really surprising I'm stiff and aching .... something concrete for all our work would be nice to see, but until then, sleep is in order...

Summer treasures...

as an aside from the other aspects of life.... escape to blue skies, dreamy days, no schedule to keep to, warm sun on bare skin, even the start of a tan...it seems like summer has finally arrived...

and grabbing every moment just because noone can tell how long it's going to last...

the mind takes time to catch up with the reality of freedom..

Can't remember when we were last able to give in and relax during the summer...

good things rubbed off from friends visiting - more like family than friends... a bit like I imagine an older brother would be like.... someone to look out for you, to care and have fun with...

now we are back to the four of us with four long weeks of summer holidays stretching ahead of us... it's almost like being a child again when time was irrelevant and the sole purpose of holidays was pleasure...

a delicious perk of taking a break from work....

It's 3.30am

Can't sleep....

Take three happy children, then throw in one extra who is nice to one, and not nice to the other two.... add in lack of life experience and insecurities, bitchy comments and snide remarks, purposeful ignoring and leave to brew for several months....

Each child in a no win situation, none of them truly happy but unable to see a way through.

It's all been stirred into a murky mess...

As parents it's easy to see where it's all gone astray but less easy to help sort out......
previous strong friendships are suffering between the children .... I am so frustrated by it all.... and saddened... such unnecessary trauma, manipulation and disruption....
tears at bedtime and during the day too...

life lessons age 9.....

somehow I have to make this stop ...

It's a whirl wind of activity here now the boys have landed.... we /they have slipped and slid , climbed trees, drilled, hammered and bolted the now very pimped gokart back together, helped with sawing and measuring for the float, run up and down hills, played for hours in the sea, eaten more food than I have ever had in the cupboards, stayed up incredibly late, erected the tent in the garden to sleep in and then still been up at the crack of dawn...

However, excess sun and grass burn may just have stopped play for the moment.... it's hard to tell the difference.... but a lot of fun was had in the process... it's just the adults who can't keep up!

If walls could talk...

We are creating more space in our home...

last year we took back one of our chalets into our living space to use for us, but so far we have only really used one room, a bedroom, which is now our study.
It has taken some time but finally we can get on with making the rest of it our own.

We chose our new paint colours before our holiday and with the beds gone and a few minor plumbing and electrical adjustments we will have somewhere the kids can go and be, relax, chill and have room to themselves. R gets a studio to paint in... and I get the kitchen and shower room at a guess... It's exciting...the changes that is...not the kitchen and shower room....

Earlier tonight though, as I sat in the now semi empty space which was the living room, I couldn't help thinking of what that space has been to so many people over the past ten years since we have lived here and even before then -
a holiday home specifically requested year after year,
a stop gap between homes,
the start of married life,
a trial run before comitting to a relationship...
it's seen single parents with young children and young families with nowhere else to go.
Most recently it was a refuge for friends of ours.

I often wonder the stories different places would tell if only they could ~
so many individuals have lived here...
so many dreams dreamed and experiences lived
feelings etched into peoples memories..

A part of me is sad we're changing it.... space is valuable...
tomorrow it will become space for guests of ours and then, after their stay, it will be ready for it's transformation and take on a whole new meaning for our family...

Solitude...

or solitude remembered...

special moments of tranquility and moments where time slows enough to make sense of the previously incoherent, or to allow for a moment of revelation to appear from out of nowhere - the kind that catches you unawares...

A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...

Our float for one of the summer shows over here is in progress....and from now until then we will spend many evenings making numerous paper flowers... we have plenty of paper to go round all our friends and as the wine flows and the evening progresses the flowers multiply.... we already have thousands but need a few thousand more....various bright colours... it's going to look good :)

However there is still much of the construction of it to be worked on and practical aspects to be considered... which could be why, while we were busy working out surface areas and reacquainting ourselves with Pythagoras theorem and pi from school days, we completely overlooked whether it would, in fact fit through the doors.... until the caretaker thought to ask the question that is....

Of course we should have known better.... having encountered this problem previously with other large structures/ sculptures we have made it has to be one of the main considerations....

Very fortunately we were spared the hassle of dismantling and reconstructing, and a whole lot of huffing and puffing, as we discovered it squeezed through the gap with only a few millimeters to spare...

Earlier today, with R at work doing fun things for activities week that we can't join in with, the three of us headed out and about to find some fun of our own.
First stop and literally no more than a couple of minutes outside our door, were the most amazing colours and space... hard to find sometimes on a small island... a reminder of what it is like to breathe deeply and digest the beauty that surrounds us... the crystal clarity of the blues and greens was stunning... and not a soul on the whole beach apart from a man training his three dogs... we watched for a while and then went on our way, invigorated, refreshed and calmed...
It's hard to imagine the change in this tranquil scene in winter when the waves crash over the shore and drown the place where we stood today... awesome, powerful and beautiful.

Last night our garden and house was full as a last minute barbeque escalated in numbers with friends and their children. We had a brilliant time but I woke up tired and reflective.

There was a dawning realisation that in a weeks time we would be a far quieter household but much more than that, new friends who have been staying with us for the past six weeks will be moving on and we don't know when we might see them again - the future is uncertain.

It's always tough when there are no obvious solutions to problems, no answers, when we are effectively useless, and more than offering the little we have to each other - which can seem extremely meagre - we can only sit with each other and be together, muddling along.
Some days I'd sincerely love a crystal ball, as long as it told me what I wanted to hear of course... wouldn't it be nice if we could see instant replies to our prayers.. though I know they aren't always answered as we want them to be...

perhaps in part my thoughts this morning were guided by the fact that one of R's best friends who had moved away last year was back for the night and the boys all managed to get together - it's hard as R seems to be brilliant at making friends who have to leave this island for one reason or another and noone ever seems to stay put...

I feel for him, for them and for me...

I know we are far richer for the friends we have made, yet we are constantly having to let go ... and I think I have mentioned before that's not one of my strong points...

Still we do have an ever increasing number of people to visit when we do finally make it off this small rock....

It's July - the weather could be described as a tad inclement but we're faring far better than parts of England...

Thanks have to go to my SIL for sending such a lovely scarf to keep out the chills whilst watching sports day which was rained off last week... an apt and appropriate gift as it turns out.
Coffee and biccies for those parents who braved the cold to watch helped enormously...
Colourful comfort at what should be the start of the summer

the backlash of tiredness

I guess it's to be expected...
the tiredness, the attitude...
theirs and mine...
they push
I cope badly
they keep on pushing
boundaries stretch
then burst
I react, shout,
feel guilty...
noone tells you how to deal with 'attitude'...
didn't realise I signed up for this...
but it's too late now.

Escape,
start walking,
leave them with R,
time to breathe,
time to think.
A friend calls..
we talk,
they know what it's like... expect it to get worse before it gets better... but it will get better..
perhaps I'm not a bad Mum
perhaps I'm just human...

Tiredness gets to us all...

back home,
hugs,
apologies...
time to think has been good...


all made up, tucked up
adorable angels with attitude
Perhaps I'll get it right next time...

He's back...

A bedraggled boy lugging a heavy bag full of muddy clothes arrived home safely after a wet and tiring week. After a long soak in a deep bubble bath, dry clothes and having raided the fridge he's settled back in, familiar sounds fill the house again and it feels soooo good...

Both children have spread their wings this week and been brought back home at the end of their respective trips, I'm pleased to have them back and am pleased they have been away - I hope and pray that they will always feel they can come home - want to come home - and that home should be a place of refuge and comfort and love... a safe place just to be themselves...

No sooner than I had thought these thoughts than I am aware of a new shared file on my itunes... and much as I love my son, I don't always want to share his music, at least not quite so personally, on my ipod... as no doubt he wouldn't want to share mine...

Enquiries reveal that the shared file is from l*mewi*e where the two boys (R and friend) have been downloading free music... and attempting to download a music video ... but have inadvertently not only downloaded a semi n*ked video... but managed to share it with anyone on our extended network... R's laptop from school and our friends laptop next door included....

I can quite see how it happened, though not overly amused at it being shared so freely... we must secure our network soon...!

fortunately it was relatively easily sorted and a lesson learned... there was a degree of embarrassment by the boys - though whether it was because of the video content itself, or because I found out, remains to be seen....

We now have managed to separate his music from mine, and all is back on track...

Yes I missed him dreadfully - a whole week free from chaos and scrapes... it's what makes my world go round... :)

Happy moments recently

S returned from her trip with an extra aura of self confidence, and serenity.... delighted to be home but pleased to have been away for the first time without us too.

She looked so grown up - with the longest legs ever - as she went in for her ballet exam today, hair pristine with blue flowers neatly around her ballet bun! nerves under control and smiling on the outside.

I'm missing R (junior) terribly, no news is good news and I'm sure he's having a fantastic time.... I bet there's no clean clothes left even now.... please god let the seas be calm on Saturday...

A belated birthday present.... :) what a surprise.... a total surprise.... bright and colourful, a scarf all the way from R's sister in Australia. S and I went to collect it from the post office after the exam ..... just the thought that someone has been thinking of me out of the blue makes me smile... and it is a rather nice scarf too...

and finally this evening an escape working with a group of young people on our battle of flowers float, seeing ideas coming together and hearing them wishing they could spend more time on it because the hour goes so quickly...

and now... time to spend reading before bed... the luxury of escapism... a couple of books I'd normally reserve for beach reading that won't stretch my brain cells, but are good for relaxing with.

Not many words around, am blessed with R who is the most amazing Dad to our two beautiful children... I can't think of anything more precious than that.

We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)

My few days off....

A few days off in a row have led to some rather interesting times.....

time for cleaning chalets now the yearly redecorate is almost complete, meaning a colossal shop for cleaning bits and pieces for the season... and cringing at the sheer volume of chemicals, regardless of the eco friendly contingent...

time spent with the family playing and enjoying each other - time to practise our unicycling skills - or lack of them....:) bringing out the stilts and pogo stick too....

time for haircuts and the eventual demise of the clippers - fortunately just as I came to the end of little R's haircut...

and some interesting conversations - unpressured time together can lead to ideas settling and taking shape - after which I feel rather like a kitten stuck up a tree... moving forwards, but knowing that there is an inevitable leap to the next tree not far ahead...

The Birthday surprise...

Finally the carpentry skills were revealed

and inside the box.... my very own hand made dream catcher :)

I have been inspired over the past months by various photo blogs.... and at various times I am inspired enough to give it a go....

yesterday I had a wonderful photo.... I was right next to several birds on our feeders, I had the camera ready but just at the critical second... they flew....

no bird photos from yesterday....

then when I returned, our cat, who is losing weight and who is, either through hunger pangs or increased energy, hunting more lately, had brought a bird into the house to play with and there were feathers everywhere....

fortunately we were able to let the bird fly and hope it wasn't too shocked to survive...

so I then set myself the challenge of capturing one of the many feathers on camera.... it's not easy, but it is fun... and quite addictive :)

It's quiet and peaceful, the lists of jobs are waiting. I flew back home to get on with them before going to collect the children from school. I opened the post, made a cup of tea, pottered around clearing bits and pieces but haven't got around to much else yet .....

This weekend R spent time with his friend, the one he thought he might not get to see again... it was wonderful... they laughed and played, tinkered, customised the kett car - or at least started to, dismantled gears, removed brakes... played music and were brilliant company for each other.
Any sadness or uncertainty about anything was put to one side as they stopped thinking and threw themselves into being and doing and enjoying every second of time they had together.

Seizing the moment and living it.

Sometimes I think thats what energises me about watching my children ... they ooze vitality from the inside out and it's catching.... as long as I let it...

perhaps there comes a time when we have to stop thinking quite so much and get on with doing....at least for a while, and hope the rest will fall into place...

There has been very little spare time recently, and when there has been any, I have had a tendency to give in to tiredness and fall asleep at any opportunity. Reading has come to an almost complete standstill, so blogs are almost ideal, not too long, and providing my brain with titbits of information, links and connections to ponder on over the day.

I took this very quick photo on my phone last year and was reminded of it when I spied something similar posted over at Mr Tumnus.

It takes me back to one of my happy places.... memories brought to mind by a post from The Harbour of Ourselves.

I seem to have many happy places, though beaches and sea feature in those closest to home.
This was on a secluded beach towards the end of the day, with a couple of friends, a barbeque and a guitar watching the sun go down and just being together.

It makes me smile just remembering.... it's good to be reminded of our happy places, and curious how a coincidence of words and images together can link to conjure up otherwise dormant memories.

Blogging...
some people have wise and wonderful words, some people have wonderful photos.

I just know that somewhere in most days there are moments of beauty and wonder that even if I can't embrace, I can at least acknowledge they are there.
Some days they are in abundance and some days they may hardly be visible....

I don't really know what to think....and I don't know how I feel...
Cancer is a destructive word that encompasses so many different presentations.... yet because of it's label it evokes a certain fear that even logic and reason can't totally overcome.

Today my Mum said goodbye to it for the fourth time...Once is bad luck, twice you grit your teeth and get through it, three times it feels as if someone is really taking the mickey, and now four times..... surgery is great.. sometimes (like today) it can be cut out and thrown away... and that beats the chemo and radiotherapy any day.

We are all a wee bit bruised and battered but we're still here...

Its been a shaky day. Work, waiting for Mum to return from theatre... me and Dad sitting yet again... a real sense of deja vu!

It's also been a day for making icecream - as we started sorting through old toys the icecream maker was rescued!

A day when an unexpected meeting with someone I have only ever spoken to on the phone took me by surprise but meant so much...

and a day when I watched the sun set with Sam and rocky the rabbit and we wondered what it would have been like before the houses were built and we could see right out to sea....

It was a beautiful day today, and as we started the mammoth task of spring cleaning the garden, this little guy decided to keep us company -
he ate worms ALL day, often fitting three or four in his beak at once...

My lovely friend Jayne takes far better bird pictures than this, but I was impressed we even managed one :)

There is so much left to do, both in the chalets and in the garden, that it is almost overwhelming.. but small steps and we will get there.

We discovered a couple of dead trees in part of the bordering hedge that will need replacing with something.... now it is just to decide what...

Later on, in the still of the early evening I was returning from a trip to the gym and I was struck by the sunset tonight, enough to deviate from my usual route so I could get a better view.

I stopped by the coast.

There were people sitting outside the pub laughing and chatting as the sun went down, people sitting on the sea wall eating fish and chips and sharing a bottle of wine, as I leant on the wall to try and catch the moment before the red finally disappeared I was aware of people sitting on the beach with picnics and drinks - it was peaceful, calm and stunningly beautiful, right here on my doorstep...

Summer is only a stone's throw away :)

"How old do I have to be before I can have a mobile phone?" is a question my son has been asking ever since various friends and classmates have been being given phones.
Our answer has always been that he will get one when there is a situation that warrants him having one.
So, after much thought, and considering the fact he is away for eight days staying with one his friends over Easter, on a farm in Gloucestershire, we decided to buy a new sim card for one of our old mobiles so he would have contact should he want it...
Only problem is we then discover he's in a valley with no mobile signal.... !!! It was worth the thought though :-)

Eight days... seems like forever.... I'm counting the days, or the sleeps... just like counting down to Christmas .....
He was homesick before he went, but sounds like he's having a totally brilliant time.....
most of it sounds like activity I can condone as long as I'm not there to watch it - the kind of thing I always imagine Dads do more with sons.... mountain boarding.... I hadn't heard of it until he went... and today was going to involve a JCB!..... he is outdoors, having fun and getting muddy - and I don't have to wash his clothes... yet !

Sam is still here at home, and has spent the holiday so far mainly with a friend learning how to heelie... it looks so much fun, I can just imagine myself whizzing down the corridors of the hospital extra fast.... :)

R is decorating the chalets ready for the fast approaching season, and I should be helping more than I am, but I have had to work - the first year I have ever had to work over the Easter holidays.

However, as of today, I am officially off until next tuesday, so it's paintbrushes and gardening equipment at the ready for tomorrow - oh and time to watch Sam heelie :)

How football is bad for the nerves

After several years of standing watching football on a Saturday morning... and sometimes Sundays too, I have seen tiny tots running around in chaos, develop and change into lads showing some signs of organisation, and occasional communication on the pitch.

Today was the semi final of an important cup between all the clubs on the island. It also meant that boys who had been playing on the same team last week representing their island, now played against each other on opposing teams.

Sam and I arrived at half time to find our team 3:0 up.....
Foolishly, oh so very foolishly..... I promised Sam we wouldn't have to stand for too long in the cold today.
The second half however saw the other team come back to equalise.
Many close calls, and valiant efforts later meant that even after 20 minutes of extra time it was still equal.
I could barely watch as the tension rose during the following penalties.... it was still equal.
Sadly they needed a winner to go forward to the final....
it was on to sudden death penalties - my football knowledge is minimal, but I am starting to get it slightly...

We watched as R came forward to take the next penalty.... I know why it is called sudden death...!

I forced myself to watch, and very thankfully he scored.... whatever happened after then, we had been spared an afternoon of gloom....

and then the icing on the cake... the goalie saved the next penalty and it was all over, R had won the winning penalty and saved the game for them...
you can't get closer than that!

Two hours after he had started, and an hour and a half after I promised Sam we wouldn't be long, we made our way home...

I wonder at the way football has wheedled it's way into my life, it has brought many blessings, and is now testing my nerves in ways I never thought it could...

If I dare, I will be at the final on April 24th....

People are so kind.... thankyou for your comments on my previous post, thay are much appreciated.

The Easter holidays are upon us now, and term finished for the children with the school disco..... S, as usual, was true to herself in a beautiful flowing skirt and t shirt, regardless of the other girls style.... long may her individuality shine and not be crushed by pressure to conform :)

R had an equally good time, as he strays into the territory of girls yet again....

Hormones are rife around this house, but the less said possibly the better.... enough that hygiene, deodorants and hair gel are in evidence.... I'll gloss over mood swings and attitude!

I do thank God profusely that I have R to support me as I feel very inept at this and incredibly protective over him - I may well hand over the reins to the male who knows, for fear of being way too overprotective. Perhaps I'll settle into it soon :)

Life has taken me away from many of the things that matter to me recently - which is why I am so pleased I was able to spend the afternoon with S sowing the seeds she had chosen a couple of weeks ago.
We worked, we chatted, we got our hands dirty, we even opened some stock seed pods I had saved from a few years ago, and sowed them too - I have no idea if they will come up or not.

A simple task, a promise fulfilled, and now we wait to see the results...

Once more I am reminded in concrete terms of how much the small things matter.
So much I can't do - but this wasn't hard, it just needed me to be there....... and time.
Sometimes that seems almost impossible.

The wizard...

We're back from seeing the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz... S had two performances at school today and another two tomorrow...

She was brilliant.... but then I would say that!

I now have catchy songs playing through my head... along with 'somewhere over the rainbow'!

I wonder what really lies at the end of the rainbow...

maybe all our childhood dreams?

Whenever I see children performing anything... or even just playing together, I love the way their energy just oozes out of them, and I don't ever want them to lose it...

I'm tired tonight - I've made it to the gym three days in a row and I'm waiting to feel revitalised...... it's a long time coming! I just feel achy and exhausted!

R has his school play on Monday - he's not that excited about it - but we DO have more football at the weekend.... the muratti which he is excited about - unfortunately he has been nursing an injured ankle - a collateral ligament injury since his game in Southampton, we're hoping he will be ok to play on the day....

Tomorrow is the first day of spring.

It's freezing ( though not quite literally) today, but the sun is shining and it looks wonderful, one of these days soon I will get out to carry on clearing the garden....

The past few days seem to have been mainly art related - which is satisfying and achievable... although deadlines are always stressful.... but because they are projects as opposed to commissions, I can be involved too....

a glass of wine and a paintbrush, some music and time together - life's not bad really! :)

Friday was spent concentrating on a large Irish landscape and rainbow for a St.Patricks day ball a friend was arranging, and much of Sunday was spent putting together the school display for this year's Eisteddfod. Yesterday after work I collected the remainder of the pieces to put up and added the final touches before R took the school inspector along to it today.

The school inspection has also played a major part in our lives recently - the build up and preparation for it... I can't understand why they don't just turn up and see what goes on in a normal day, although I suppose it's always nice to have advance notice of visitors.. there is a huge part of me that feels what they see is very contrived. Anyway... thats on this week and so far so good....

Perhaps Spring really is in the air - I woke with a compulsion to clear and sort.. and the piles of paperwork have diminished considerably...... though everywhere I look there is more to clear, and when that's done there is decorating to start.....

The plant is my mother's day present from the children... a citrus tree for the conservatory

We had a fantastic trip.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time - I know that sounds so sad, but it's true :)

The boys played magnificently and I was so proud, not just of Footballer R but of the whole team... they were truly a whole team.

Supporters were few from our island, but we made up for lack of numbers in our enthusiasm, and the team seemed pleased to have some support... my usual quiet persona completely changes when I'm on the side lines and I suddenly find my voice!

We only planned to turn up for their matches and it was pure coincidence that our paths crossed while shopping and after lunch on the way to the final match of the tour.

It was lovely to see R's face light up whenever we did bump into each other ~ it seems I haven't damaged any street cred yet!

Even my friend and shopping partner, S, who is a non footballing Mum was cheering them along with me at the last game.

Football aside, we shopped ~ I don't shop very often but soon got the hang of that too ~ and we ate and shared chocolate, managed to navigate our way to Newbury and Portsmouth feeling very Thelma and Louise like and rested our weary brains and legs watching Music and Lyrics at the cinema!

In a strange way something was happening ~ it could be called healing, hope, peace, space, warmth, love... who knows, medicine for a bruised soul ~ and as we turned to come back home from the last match I looked at the sky and took this picture.

It changes nothing, yet somehow we are given the tools to help us cope and take on the next challenge.

It was a very special, very precious trip.

The children's enthusiasm for various things is infectious.... why else would I end up going on football tour?
We are packed and waiting to be picked up to go to the airport.
The excitement is palpable, we have tickets, passports, and R junior has all his kit.
R and S will have a great time together. The Mother and son and Father and daughter split is rarely done ~ treasured time, although it has been made quite clear to me that these are boys on tour.... and parents, I imagine especially Mum's, are not really that cool.... so I will stand on the side lines, cheer them along and take my place... then disappear to shop at my leisure.... :)
R is fine about me being around - he likes the idea - I just hope he is still happy when we return....

It was a beautiful sunny day...

Loss, change, grief, familiar subjects to me both in theory and in life....

I once attended a conference entiltled 'Ordinary days, shattered lives'.... how true that statement is.

We can never know where it will come from or when... and when it does, it hits harder and deeper than anyone ever tells you.

Sometimes it is easier to not feel or think, just doing is the only way through....
Yesterday I spent just doing...and trying hard not to think.
Today I am in shock, stunned... all is ok... yet I am left reeling

I might not leave this up for long... yet without posting I'm not sure I'd find the words to come after it.

It is the gradual return to reality and normality....

I am ok, my family are ok.

Tomorrow I fly with R junior to Southampton on football tour.
Three days space and time to let me think again, and expand my world beyond those immediately surrounding me.
Right now my world feels very, very, small.

We dwell in possibilities that lie ahead....

so many things flying around my fuddled brain lately.
The migraine retreated but didn't leave completely.... enough to let me go out to a wine tasting, but not enough to let me taste any wine :(

I haven't given up alcohol for lent - somehow it seems to have given me up!

Now and again conversations about being true to ourselves, about only getting one go at this life and not having regrets, seem to surface. They are wise, well worn phrases that sit comfortably, quietly in the corner until something happens to give real meaning to the words.

Confronting us with the real challenge of finding a way of actually living out those ideals.

Somehow, and it's uncanny, yet, when these big questions come up we find ourselves faced with just the right people at the right time to help us sort out whatever dilemma is facing us.

Last night was one of those times, letting me glimpse even just small possibilities.

Strangely today, despite many questions and uncertainties, my soul feels soothed...

things work in mysterious ways.....

These are coffee beans all the way from Kilimanjaro, direct from the producer - a present from my friend, the one I should have been climbing with - the aroma is amazing, rich and deep and I know I need to buy a coffee grinder in the next few days......


We finally got together to look through her photos and catch up with each other, but at the end of the afternon we realised we really needed to make an evening of it soon...
I heard about the highs and lows, about sheer effort and willpower, and how hard it was to make each step on the last stretch towards the summit.

She showed me pictures of the man who owns this coffee plantation, and told me some of his story.
It was just enough, together with the pictures, to have a tiny glimpse of his life, so very far removed from life here....

Remarkable that we share the same planet yet live worlds apart.


This week I also met an apricot and walnut producer from Pakistan, who came over as part of fair trade fortnight. His story of how fair trade is transforming the lives of people in his community is truly inspiring.
It's encouraging to see the choices we make having such a positive effect, and humbling to hear his appreciation.

It really does make a difference, and I needed to hear that, just to remind me.

Staring out to sea from the window by my desk, looking beyond the buildings to the sea rolling in. Watching the sea change not just with the seasons, but daily, even several times a day, a vast expanse beyond my vision, the unknown... Such a familiar view, yet never constant.

Dreaming, hoping, longing, yearning...... praying perhaps, contemplating ...
The oceans, just as the sky and the stars, connecting somehow.

Today my thoughts focused on, and were very much with R junior while he was taking his exam.
Now it's over he is starting to relax.
Even the fact that Liverpool didn't win today hasn't had an adverse effect on his mood.... somehow he seems to have grown slightly older, slightly more mature, more together, in a matter of hours.
Perhaps it's what happens when we face our fears and come out the other side.
Perhaps it's just we rarely see it.

Happy Birthday ...

Eleven years ago R junior arrived, came to join us in this remarkable adventure...

the start of a new and interesting, challenging, rewarding, constantly surprising and love filled journey...

Today he was ill, but there was still room for cake and presents and wishes from various parts of the world :)