Lazy Sunday mornings....a fading memory of student days long gone when staying in bed reading the Sunday papers or recovering from the night before were just what happened...
When I was little we always went to church - and you know what - it was always fun....
people seemed happy to be there and Jesus was a cool guy who we all wanted to know more about and learn to be more like...
the priest was fun... he even wore Jesus sandals and would come round for cups of tea...and he played rugby....
It felt like a family and I really did look forward to sundays...
one week I stayed over with some friends of ours and went to church with them...it was different but still good fun....
I grew up saying night time prayers and wanting to be a nun ....but then we all emulate those we admire I suppose.
It was as if all the lights were on and I wanted to know more....
Then gradually things changed... the priest changed, I moved school, people became very serious and I was told I had to go to confirmation classes... it became very dictatorial and prescriptive and the lights started to go out.. one by one.... in fact this quiet calm compliant girl really shook the boat when she refused to be confirmed because she didn't know what she was being confirmed into, and whether she wanted to...or WHY she was supposed to believe what she was told she should believe in.... the priest even came out for that one... ;)
oh and somewhere along the line - much earlier on, I had also had a change of heart on the career front...a wise choice in hind sight I think...
however, logic prevailed... I gave in and was confirmed...but the lights stayed very dim for a long time...
In London the church near the tube would sometimes leave it's doors open... and when Mum was ill I would pop in on my way back from work and again, very gradually, the lights started to come on....
Then when we wanted to get married we were told we had to attend more classes.... I was in love..and we wanted to marry, so we had to attend...I put on my very best grin and bear it face and we got through - they thought I really enjoyed it...I was always happy....!
lights are fading again....
There was a virtual eclipse when, after several miscarriages they told me they wouldn't baptise R if he was born prematurely unless we attended yet more classes....
what is it with this national obsession....?
however, as they were being very kind to us they managed to squeeze us in to a full course, although it wasn't really the norm....I didn't smile throughout those classes...
anyhow, R arrived two weeks late... so it turned out to be a lot of fuss for no good reason...
We were spared classes when S was born... though they would have liked us to...
there were more classes for us, not just for R and S for their first communion....
and soon R is going to be asked to attend a two year long course of confirmation classes....
I don't want to inflict my stuff, my issues onto him - perhaps they'll be fun... it just seems nothing changes... when did we lose sight of the cool guy I loved as a child - who helped me through in London, who has sat with an arm round me on many dark nights and reassured me all would be ok somehow......and who I still believe in and want my kids to love too.... when will the church start turning lights on instead of off... leaving doors open instead of keeping them locked unless you pick up the key on your way out of the class with your certificate and badge... one of the elite who has been allowed in...
so I search for ways to turn lights back on....
church doesn't really do it for me though I want it to... really want it to....but gradually there are sparks ignited by people I have met.. and books I have read that I had never heard of before... and certainly even if I had heard of them I doubt I'd have read them... not in the dark anyway...
I have to thank blog land for some of these sparks... gradually I am reading, digesting, rarely feel able to comment - am not qualified to comment or even to have an opinion most of the time...well ok I am qualified to have an opinion - just perhaps not such an informed opinion as I'd like....
so please keep those book recommendations out there and keep writing, making me think more and question, and reconcile some of the wondering with the awe I felt as a child...
the sparks are helping and keeping me going :)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Sparks, lights and Sundays...
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10 comments:
Katie, my heart ached as I read this. So many people have felt the experiences you have had, and it's why they give up on a faith life all togther. Indeed, why are there any "rules and regulations" where God is concerned? Do you think He really cares? Of course not. What matters is what is in our hearts and how we project that joy and love into the world around us, not if we are careful to follow some rule book. I hope that spark inside you can continue to burn brightly.
I too had glimpses of that kind of church - and have them now, when I can get past the fear caused by past experiences and scars. Sometimes, for me, the problem is my inability to open the doors and look inside as the church having the door closed. Nonetheless, I hope you can continue to grow your spark into a bright flame. You deserve it.
Hi Jayne, often it would be enough for me to give up on a church life...as opposed to a faith life...sometimes I get so frustrated by it all - it's a system that is so inflexible...there do seem to be so many rules..and hoops to jump through...makes me sad too... I know I can't be the only one who doesn't fit in...it's a strange old world...reminds me so much of school playgrounds..
Caroline, my spark seems to glow far brighter when I haven't been inside a church...but that makes me feel guilty...like somehow I missed the point...
ah, the dimmer switches held by inflexible church authority? Why is this so darn universal? Personally, I wasnt turned off by my Minister or the church I was confirmed in.......rather I moved away and found no home again. And then, I met so many people in my classes that I taught who believed in the Bible literally, hook line and sinker.....who were coming from a evangelical place which was so foreign to me.....this completely turned my lights off.
Blogging for me has been enormously helpful in finding my way back....it's been a gentle and kind way of learning.....at my own pace.......when I want.....
Reading and writing and becoming a part of a caring community of seekers who are also out in the wilderness figuring it out has been the best gift.....and the least expected. Its been like finding a tiny silver box with a bright blue satin ribbon tucked at the back of the Christmas tree with your name on it....from a secret friend.
Beautifully felt and written katie.....I was completely there with that little girl feeling all alone and confused....
and then I went for the kleenex....
xo
Hi Dana,
universal.. yes, we moved around too and it was a similar story everywhere we went it seemed...though once bitten and all that, I'm certain the barriers were up along the way..home is not a word I associate with church, wish I did...though I can see how it could be...a possibility... but I can't envisage it within the context of the church I am familiar with at the moment...
blogging has been helpful for me too - reading more than writing here...
secret friends leaving presents...thats because your writing touches people, x
Katie, you know your post really resonates with me. I "do church" as my passion and my vocation, and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many people like you who have never felt connected, welcome, or "home" in a worship service. I hope you keep looking, because there are differences in the way folks approach their faith journey. Be sure of this - that GOD can and will make that spark burn bright in any place at all, and that guilt is not of HIM. Make a faith connection where and when you can - in the beauty of a bouquet of flowers that moves you to gratitude, in the passionate love you have for your children, in the pages of a book.
Religion often puts God in a box of rules and regulations because we are human and are dealing with the infinite. Grab a bible, read the book of John, and let it speak to you without any interference. You'll be blessed.
Thanks for being so open and vulnerable about your journey. Praying for you, from my vantage point a bit further down the very same road that you travel...
I have been away for a while--busy with work and family and all that. But I love to read your words and look forward to the moments I steal to spend here.
Sometimes I am so tired of the petty. People around me that whine and complain all day about a driver on the road, the line at the bank, or how obnoxious it is that so-and-so always brings stinky shrimp for lunch. It is like an elixir to read substantive thoughts from someone who thinks, pays attention, and asks good questions.
Hi Beth, I have been thinking about your comment...what gets to me is that I find I feel more connected and aware almost everywhere and anywhere..apart from church...in the reality of life...always have...
thanks for the e mail - will find time to sit quietly and digest, and answer more then, x
Jeff, Thanks for coming by - I'm flattered by your kind words...especially from one who writes so eloquently..
so i shall be gracious and just say thank you, and thanks for the link..
Katie, I am a day late but wanted to respond to this post. I can relate as I was a child that went to church, not if I wanted to go or not, but as a must thing to do. I grew up in the church just as you obviously did, At this time in my life I do not attend church, but am a very spirtual person. who believes in God. If for one minute, I thought I could find more peace in a church setting, I would ebrace it, but as of now I feel more peace in my own meditations. Peace to you Katie
jlspbs, thank you, it seems I am not totally alone and that helps me in some way... my conflict right now is guiding my children through what I see as a process of discovery and yet the church doesn't seem to want that, and neveer has - it feels very controlling...
in fact thats probably the crux of it all...
I often find more peace from my personal meditations too...
peace to you and thank you for coming my way
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