How football is bad for the nerves

After several years of standing watching football on a Saturday morning... and sometimes Sundays too, I have seen tiny tots running around in chaos, develop and change into lads showing some signs of organisation, and occasional communication on the pitch.

Today was the semi final of an important cup between all the clubs on the island. It also meant that boys who had been playing on the same team last week representing their island, now played against each other on opposing teams.

Sam and I arrived at half time to find our team 3:0 up.....
Foolishly, oh so very foolishly..... I promised Sam we wouldn't have to stand for too long in the cold today.
The second half however saw the other team come back to equalise.
Many close calls, and valiant efforts later meant that even after 20 minutes of extra time it was still equal.
I could barely watch as the tension rose during the following penalties.... it was still equal.
Sadly they needed a winner to go forward to the final....
it was on to sudden death penalties - my football knowledge is minimal, but I am starting to get it slightly...

We watched as R came forward to take the next penalty.... I know why it is called sudden death...!

I forced myself to watch, and very thankfully he scored.... whatever happened after then, we had been spared an afternoon of gloom....

and then the icing on the cake... the goalie saved the next penalty and it was all over, R had won the winning penalty and saved the game for them...
you can't get closer than that!

Two hours after he had started, and an hour and a half after I promised Sam we wouldn't be long, we made our way home...

I wonder at the way football has wheedled it's way into my life, it has brought many blessings, and is now testing my nerves in ways I never thought it could...

If I dare, I will be at the final on April 24th....

People are so kind.... thankyou for your comments on my previous post, thay are much appreciated.

The Easter holidays are upon us now, and term finished for the children with the school disco..... S, as usual, was true to herself in a beautiful flowing skirt and t shirt, regardless of the other girls style.... long may her individuality shine and not be crushed by pressure to conform :)

R had an equally good time, as he strays into the territory of girls yet again....

Hormones are rife around this house, but the less said possibly the better.... enough that hygiene, deodorants and hair gel are in evidence.... I'll gloss over mood swings and attitude!

I do thank God profusely that I have R to support me as I feel very inept at this and incredibly protective over him - I may well hand over the reins to the male who knows, for fear of being way too overprotective. Perhaps I'll settle into it soon :)

Life has taken me away from many of the things that matter to me recently - which is why I am so pleased I was able to spend the afternoon with S sowing the seeds she had chosen a couple of weeks ago.
We worked, we chatted, we got our hands dirty, we even opened some stock seed pods I had saved from a few years ago, and sowed them too - I have no idea if they will come up or not.

A simple task, a promise fulfilled, and now we wait to see the results...

Once more I am reminded in concrete terms of how much the small things matter.
So much I can't do - but this wasn't hard, it just needed me to be there....... and time.
Sometimes that seems almost impossible.

The wizard...

We're back from seeing the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz... S had two performances at school today and another two tomorrow...

She was brilliant.... but then I would say that!

I now have catchy songs playing through my head... along with 'somewhere over the rainbow'!

I wonder what really lies at the end of the rainbow...

maybe all our childhood dreams?

Whenever I see children performing anything... or even just playing together, I love the way their energy just oozes out of them, and I don't ever want them to lose it...

I'm tired tonight - I've made it to the gym three days in a row and I'm waiting to feel revitalised...... it's a long time coming! I just feel achy and exhausted!

R has his school play on Monday - he's not that excited about it - but we DO have more football at the weekend.... the muratti which he is excited about - unfortunately he has been nursing an injured ankle - a collateral ligament injury since his game in Southampton, we're hoping he will be ok to play on the day....

Tomorrow is the first day of spring.

It's freezing ( though not quite literally) today, but the sun is shining and it looks wonderful, one of these days soon I will get out to carry on clearing the garden....

The past few days seem to have been mainly art related - which is satisfying and achievable... although deadlines are always stressful.... but because they are projects as opposed to commissions, I can be involved too....

a glass of wine and a paintbrush, some music and time together - life's not bad really! :)

Friday was spent concentrating on a large Irish landscape and rainbow for a St.Patricks day ball a friend was arranging, and much of Sunday was spent putting together the school display for this year's Eisteddfod. Yesterday after work I collected the remainder of the pieces to put up and added the final touches before R took the school inspector along to it today.

The school inspection has also played a major part in our lives recently - the build up and preparation for it... I can't understand why they don't just turn up and see what goes on in a normal day, although I suppose it's always nice to have advance notice of visitors.. there is a huge part of me that feels what they see is very contrived. Anyway... thats on this week and so far so good....

Perhaps Spring really is in the air - I woke with a compulsion to clear and sort.. and the piles of paperwork have diminished considerably...... though everywhere I look there is more to clear, and when that's done there is decorating to start.....

The plant is my mother's day present from the children... a citrus tree for the conservatory

We had a fantastic trip.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time - I know that sounds so sad, but it's true :)

The boys played magnificently and I was so proud, not just of Footballer R but of the whole team... they were truly a whole team.

Supporters were few from our island, but we made up for lack of numbers in our enthusiasm, and the team seemed pleased to have some support... my usual quiet persona completely changes when I'm on the side lines and I suddenly find my voice!

We only planned to turn up for their matches and it was pure coincidence that our paths crossed while shopping and after lunch on the way to the final match of the tour.

It was lovely to see R's face light up whenever we did bump into each other ~ it seems I haven't damaged any street cred yet!

Even my friend and shopping partner, S, who is a non footballing Mum was cheering them along with me at the last game.

Football aside, we shopped ~ I don't shop very often but soon got the hang of that too ~ and we ate and shared chocolate, managed to navigate our way to Newbury and Portsmouth feeling very Thelma and Louise like and rested our weary brains and legs watching Music and Lyrics at the cinema!

In a strange way something was happening ~ it could be called healing, hope, peace, space, warmth, love... who knows, medicine for a bruised soul ~ and as we turned to come back home from the last match I looked at the sky and took this picture.

It changes nothing, yet somehow we are given the tools to help us cope and take on the next challenge.

It was a very special, very precious trip.

The children's enthusiasm for various things is infectious.... why else would I end up going on football tour?
We are packed and waiting to be picked up to go to the airport.
The excitement is palpable, we have tickets, passports, and R junior has all his kit.
R and S will have a great time together. The Mother and son and Father and daughter split is rarely done ~ treasured time, although it has been made quite clear to me that these are boys on tour.... and parents, I imagine especially Mum's, are not really that cool.... so I will stand on the side lines, cheer them along and take my place... then disappear to shop at my leisure.... :)
R is fine about me being around - he likes the idea - I just hope he is still happy when we return....

It was a beautiful sunny day...

Loss, change, grief, familiar subjects to me both in theory and in life....

I once attended a conference entiltled 'Ordinary days, shattered lives'.... how true that statement is.

We can never know where it will come from or when... and when it does, it hits harder and deeper than anyone ever tells you.

Sometimes it is easier to not feel or think, just doing is the only way through....
Yesterday I spent just doing...and trying hard not to think.
Today I am in shock, stunned... all is ok... yet I am left reeling

I might not leave this up for long... yet without posting I'm not sure I'd find the words to come after it.

It is the gradual return to reality and normality....

I am ok, my family are ok.

Tomorrow I fly with R junior to Southampton on football tour.
Three days space and time to let me think again, and expand my world beyond those immediately surrounding me.
Right now my world feels very, very, small.

We dwell in possibilities that lie ahead....

so many things flying around my fuddled brain lately.
The migraine retreated but didn't leave completely.... enough to let me go out to a wine tasting, but not enough to let me taste any wine :(

I haven't given up alcohol for lent - somehow it seems to have given me up!

Now and again conversations about being true to ourselves, about only getting one go at this life and not having regrets, seem to surface. They are wise, well worn phrases that sit comfortably, quietly in the corner until something happens to give real meaning to the words.

Confronting us with the real challenge of finding a way of actually living out those ideals.

Somehow, and it's uncanny, yet, when these big questions come up we find ourselves faced with just the right people at the right time to help us sort out whatever dilemma is facing us.

Last night was one of those times, letting me glimpse even just small possibilities.

Strangely today, despite many questions and uncertainties, my soul feels soothed...

things work in mysterious ways.....

These are coffee beans all the way from Kilimanjaro, direct from the producer - a present from my friend, the one I should have been climbing with - the aroma is amazing, rich and deep and I know I need to buy a coffee grinder in the next few days......


We finally got together to look through her photos and catch up with each other, but at the end of the afternon we realised we really needed to make an evening of it soon...
I heard about the highs and lows, about sheer effort and willpower, and how hard it was to make each step on the last stretch towards the summit.

She showed me pictures of the man who owns this coffee plantation, and told me some of his story.
It was just enough, together with the pictures, to have a tiny glimpse of his life, so very far removed from life here....

Remarkable that we share the same planet yet live worlds apart.


This week I also met an apricot and walnut producer from Pakistan, who came over as part of fair trade fortnight. His story of how fair trade is transforming the lives of people in his community is truly inspiring.
It's encouraging to see the choices we make having such a positive effect, and humbling to hear his appreciation.

It really does make a difference, and I needed to hear that, just to remind me.

Staring out to sea from the window by my desk, looking beyond the buildings to the sea rolling in. Watching the sea change not just with the seasons, but daily, even several times a day, a vast expanse beyond my vision, the unknown... Such a familiar view, yet never constant.

Dreaming, hoping, longing, yearning...... praying perhaps, contemplating ...
The oceans, just as the sky and the stars, connecting somehow.

Today my thoughts focused on, and were very much with R junior while he was taking his exam.
Now it's over he is starting to relax.
Even the fact that Liverpool didn't win today hasn't had an adverse effect on his mood.... somehow he seems to have grown slightly older, slightly more mature, more together, in a matter of hours.
Perhaps it's what happens when we face our fears and come out the other side.
Perhaps it's just we rarely see it.

Happy Birthday ...

Eleven years ago R junior arrived, came to join us in this remarkable adventure...

the start of a new and interesting, challenging, rewarding, constantly surprising and love filled journey...

Today he was ill, but there was still room for cake and presents and wishes from various parts of the world :)

A splash of colour in the kitchen, picked from the garden with love....
a gift, so simple and so beautiful.

In the middle of a busy house, alive with birthday and exam preparations, and anxiety and anticipation, my children brought the perfect antidote ~ a smile, a reminder of love, and the promise of spring.

Today...

Wilful and mischievious - I just spent the best part of an hour cleaning out the bunnies, and whilst walking past heard some rather loud knocking and thudding coming from the cage... Rocky upending and rearranging my hard work!

caught in the act - totally covered in sawdust!

It was lovely to wander around the garden, mentally noting the extent of work to be done, and seeing the signs of spring everpresent amongst the debris of winter....

Stories, stories everywhere....

The course wasn't nearly as intense as the last one ~ a huge relief.

Instead those gaps were filled with chatter interlaced with stories.

After the first day the three of us, virtual strangers, who were staying in hotels decided on an evening together. Seeing as all the places to eat were packed, we ended up chilling out in the bar and sharing stories. Funny stories, sad stories, heart stories, unfair stories.... they flowed into one another, parts of history shared between us all. More stories were shared on lifts to and from the course venue. Some kind of bonds were formed, addresses and e mail shared. Perhaps, hopefully, paths will cross in the future.

Then, sitting quietly with a coffee and my book at the airport, I was observing those around me.

A couple who were sipping wine and drinking in every detail of each other, a lady who put in 50p for internet access to scour her e mails until she obviously found the important one ~ I wondered how long she got for her money and imagined it running out before she finished reading... and another lady who sat down by a computer momentarily, before getting up and sitting next to me. There were very few spaces to sit, and she didn't want to take space at a computer when she didn't want to use it. Shared travel stories ensued and developed into work and personal stories...

We were separated on the plane, but on the opposite side of the aisle was a young girl.

When we landed, I took down my bag from the overhead locker - a CBBC bag the children won in a competition when they were smaller. This prompted the girl to comment on it, apparently the logo has changed and she knew exactly which years the bag would have been from.... a trigger for her Mum to start chatting, and even more stories....


People do love sharing stories, almost need to share stories, need to have their stories listened to. It made me think too that everyone of us has a story to tell. Many, but not all, of the stories shared were sad stories. None of them really needed a response in terms of doing anything about them... they just needed to be told, and listened to...

Their value is in their telling.

A story at every corner...

and now I'm home...

and much to dwell on, think over and question, still the new girl in most areas of my life it seems, forever learning, forever questioning and forever not feeling quite sure - life on a wing and a prayer...

too many toes dipping in water testing the temperature

always something new to greet me...

The course was good though with many laughs, reminiscent of student days and time out for food and shopping, escaping the loved up couples on Valentines in the bar of one of the other hotels....

no exam whilst on this course, instead it's waiting in my bag, all sealed waiting for me to take later this week...

Shelter

Last night I was aware, in parts, of the storms and high winds howling around the eaves of our bedroom. In those moments I was so pleased I wasn't half way up a mountain.
Today is a day of shelter, taking stock of where we are at, what needs to be done and how to move forward.

I am enjoying listening to midlake, courtesy of the recommendation from LB, a large mug of freshly brewed coffee by my side. We have just been baking banana muffins and melting moments. The children have been asking for ages, and I've put them off again and again.... I guess half the fun is in the mess and the licking of bowls, but the children don't see mess, they just enjoy. I don't remember seeing it either when I was small....
Now the delicious smells from their creations are wafting through the house I do feel rather guilty for my tardiness..

Plans are afoot for exhibitions coming up soon. R has included me in his plans, a push forwards into new territory for me... I'm not used to being in view and am usually more of a background ideas person in this small team.... however, we'll see how things develop. There are lots of ideas floating around ....

Today I'm taking time to stand and stare...I'm not sure it is getting anywhere, but it feels good and necessary....

With more storms forecast for tonight, it's time to shelter quite literally and so, just in case the winds reach the levels predicted, we have even brought the rabbits inside...

and, just to remind myself, from school days...


What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies

Phenomenal

Tonight was Sam's dance concert. Last week the dance festival was all about competition, tonight was for fun, much freer ~ the joy of just dancing, art in motion. We sat transfixed for over two hours, even little R didn't mind....

the culmination of weeks of practice, anticipation, preparation, stress and anxiety, nervous butterflies, busy chatter...... all came together wonderfully.

Last week was polite and proud applause from the audience, all the while with an underlying tension and comments judging performance.

Tonight was heartfelt clapping, some cheering from friends, the occassional whistle even...

Mistakes were embraced, accepted, not criticised. The dancers knew they were among friends.

Makeup removed, tutus safely stored, hair accessories put away....

11.10pm and finally she is tucked up in bed ~ all danced out for now :)

Two years until the next one...

Full ....

My head is bursting......
information overload, sensory overload and emotional overload
Constantly being topped up.

the girls are off to Kilimanjaro tomorrow.......... go girls, go .... to the top :)
....or rather as far as they can....

sadness and mixed feelings.... I should be with them, but can't, and decided I needed to be with little R right now.....

we're all working hard together.
I'm away in Southampton next week, training again, and am studying hard.
Little R is on half term, but wanting work to do in the holiday ready for an exam he's got when he goes back...
a shift in his thinking and working that has been noted at school too.
As hard as I tried to stem them, tears were lurking when I heard about how far he has come in the past few weeks since Christmas...

Tears when they achieve and tears when they don't ...... the overflow of emotion....

The world is full of beautiful people, as Pip so rightly says...


Beautiful people who effect other people ~

Today a friend had a major operation off island. Fortunately prayers for surgeons with steady hands and clear sight were answered and anxiety was replaced with relief :-)

Beautiful people who send parcels to people they have never met,

Beautiful people who call to say they want to spend time in the Summer with you,

Beautiful people who share feelings, and worries, and thoughts, and laughter over coffee,

Beautiful people who smile and ask you what you think, who want to hear your ideas, and share theirs,

Beautiful people who wave as you pass in the car,

Beautiful people who let you in when they are grieving, and beautiful people who shut you out,

Beautiful people laughing, smiling, crying, hurting, loving.... feeling


Beautiful people everywhere, who make life special, and the ordinary.... extraordinary.

Chocolate and surprises

Chocolate and surprises - two of my favourite things......

So what a wonderful surprise to find a chocolate filled package from the truly lovely Caroline waiting for me last night, a beautiful person thinking of others. Made my day...

It's delicious.... thank you x

Looking up

Am feeling much better.....

helped in a small way by a few things ~

A thank you card we received today, totally unnecessary, out of the blue, from someone we met in the middle of last year.
Thank yous are always lovely to receive, but even more so when it's not expected and when it's for something very small. The timing was excellent too - some people seem to always get it right..... I don't, but this was perfect...

I was also dog sitting for my Mum - the dog rested in her bed, and I rested on the sofa.... she has an uncanny way of just knowing, picking up on feelings and emotions, I remember that from our dog when I was growing up too.
Added to that I finished two books totally unrelated to work, enjoyed the calm of their garden, relished the peace and quiet, and just being in my own space - wonderful.... :)

It's viral......
the diagnosis that covers all ills that can't otherwise be explained - fatigue, headaches, nausea, feeling like something dragged up on the shore... that can't quite be shaken off.

Rest and fluids, three days off and hope that finally I'll be back to 'normal', or at least functioning properly.

I don't remember seeing a colour image of a virus before, this one is polio, but google tells me that many are just as beautiful :-)
Reminds me of a gobstopper type sweet that looks tempting but tastes awful
Pretty on the outside but not so great inside....
or a particle from space.... I can see it as a sculpture, or part of one..

Whatever it looks like though, I'm tired of it, when I'm not dozing, I'm too tired to read for long, bored by daytime tv, not able to concentrate on work.......
A whirl of things going round in my head.

It's really not convenient to be ill right now, but it's never going to be convenient....
and I can't remember the last time I was given, or gave myself, permission to just look after me, even if it is only during school hours ....
so it's time to let go and go with the flow for a while...

Not quite bayw*tch....

Riding waves seems to be the theme of the week....

Given the weather lately, the surf was looking good, that is from the safety and warmth of our house, or even from the car....... dramatic, stunning, wild, untamed, spectacular....

Freezing and dangerous also spring to mind....

However, it would appear that some people are blessed with less sensation in their body than me and jumped at the idea of spending two hours in ice cold water trying to stay upright on a surfboard... at one with nature, battling the elements......

S and I watched from the beach to start and then retired to drink hot chocolate and coffee and read our books until the boys had quite finished.

I have to admit it did look like fun if it had been a blissfully hot Summer's day.....

but it's the middle of winter....

Growing up...

Outside it's sunny again, and I'm recovering from a sickness bug that brought me home from work yesterday - I'm never sick, yet since I've been back in the hospital I've been ill twice in a month!!

It also meant we couldn't go out last night, and so I had inadvertently thrown cold water over little R's initial forays into girls ....... nothing like a meddlesome Mum, even when she doesn't mean to be....

He's been very forgiving, although even he could see I wasn't well enough to go, and is very open talking in front of us
I think thats good........ I don't really know ........ boys came into the equation a lot later than ten for me..... but I know I didn't talk about them in front of my parents.....

He's waiting for an e mail back from her - how times change......

I wandered into S's room and laid on her bed -
things move forward, I love her room, it's full and busy and pink and fluffy, a nightmare to clean and dust and keep organised, but I love it.

Moments to treasure while they are here........

Update

Big beaming smiles, happy phone calls, tears of joy and of pride - the letter arrived via school, he's in the team.....

his hard work has earned him the sweet taste of success, and an inner pride that will build confidence and self worth

for that I am grateful to football :)

Today I have a whole day off, an opportunity to seize the moment and achieve.....

So what happens? I sleep and sleep and sleep, have very odd dreams and sleep some more, until I really think some of the ideas I've been dreaming about I mustn't forget and I'd better wake up.....

On with the show .....

Football dreams and other thoughts

This morning we had the last selection trials for the island under eleven football team.

We'll find out midweek whether little R is in or out....

The process has dragged on for months now and seeing as it ranks highly on his scale of what is important to him, it's important to us too.

If he's accepted it'll boost his confidence no end - something that we can't have enough of in this house.

However, seeing as there have been so many delays and communication has been scant over the past few months, we've found ourselves preparing him for possible rejection without trying to dampen his enthusiasm or his self belief, whilst keeping it all in perspective....

I guess we're moving from sport 'just for fun' to 'competitive sport' with it's own set of agendas and politics.... oh joy!!

New lessons for me to learn too ~ as a nonsporty child I didn't come anywhere close to this.....

fingers crossed, x

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rejection and learning to cope with it is hard - some people say you just have to get up and keep on going, but it's not that easy.

I spoke to a friend the other day about school playground issues, being left out, not being invited to join in or be involved.

About how it feels when you have been included and then are left out, losing favour when you've done nothing wrong - how much it hurts us as parents as much as it hurts our children.

I thought about how it happens, even as adults. Perhaps people don't even realise they hurt us so much by their omissions, but it still hurts.

Do we ever fully leave the playground? I'm not sure we ever do...

And do we stay in this one or look for another one?

Rejection when it is personal, hurts.... yet even people who know that pain, still reject others and so it goes...... pass it on....

Just things I am mulling over at the moment....

It was hard but....

I'm back - have had sleep and food and wine and hugs and love.
I'm back to feeling human.

The course was tough, tougher than I'd imagined it could be.
I have worked and studied ~ no time for the gym, or swimming pool, jacuzzi or sauna, no time for shopping....

New information to understand and assimilate, remember, and then time for a few hours sleep before a new lot of information came my way.

I was sure the others on the course had so much more experience than I did.
In the end I'm not so sure - I think we were all overwhelmed by the degree of information and short time to get to grips with it.

The exam was yesterday afternoon, results in a fortnight.....

After delays in travel, I arrived home late last night, all ready to collapse into a warm bed :)
It was an assault on the senses, stretching the grey matter more than it has been worked in years...

In a strange way it felt good to be challenged by facts and understanding.... reawakened the thirst for more knowledge.

In amongst this were people ~ a lovely couple I ended up talking to over supper on the first night as we waited nearly an hour and a half for our food, and who acquired free wine for us all while we waited :), some wonderful hotel staff who made sure I had lunch to take out every day, the course leader who drove around Southampton countryside for ages trying to get me back to my hotel after the first stressful day, and the other girls on the course, one of whom I will meet in February when I go over again...

Today I've been recovering - the reward for hard work, it feels good

Nearly there

It's been a manic Sunday...

Finally I'm all packed and ready, a few bits left to add in the morning.
Money to pick up, and I'll be away.

When I kiss the children and R goodbye tomorrow morning I won't see them till Thursday evening.
I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss them - I've only ever been a single night away on my own since they were born.
That feels weird, and I'm not sure I like it - I still feel like I need them as much as they need me and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

I know they'll all be fine - and I've got some serious work to get on with.
The hotel looks wonderful, and I shall have space to read and relax inbetween studies.

Internet access but no computer.....

Will catch up next weekend,

aurevoir

Things sometimes work out....

The New Year got off to a wobbly start, with the realisation on the way to work yesterday, that I really didn't feel too well.
However, putting it to the back of my mind, and avoiding all food or drink other than water, I was able to keep the nausea at bay and plod through most of the morning's work.
There have been a few times since I started this new job, when I have been taken aback by what can only be called the kindness of human nature and yesterday was one of them. We were busy and already one member of staff down, yet every one of the team helped out when they were able. I felt totally supported and cared for, and was sent home slightly early with an assurance that if I wasn't well in the morning I wasn't to go in.

It is six months since I finally finished my previous job. It was more than a job, it was something I worked for from my heart, I loved it but it was a job for more than one person on their own and I had no one to share it with. Choosing to hand in my notice was emotionally painful and it's been a long recovery.
A much valued service was taken away from people as a result, and although I cannot be responsible for it, I still hurt with that knowledge, and will continue to search for a way around it.

I know I have been reluctant to enthuse too much about my new job, probably because it lacks some of those vocational qualities I've always searched out in whatever I've done previously.
I've wondered where I am going to, wondered how fulfilled this is going to make me, yet knowing on a logical, cognitive level, that it was, as one of my close friends would term it, 'a good call', a much needed change on many counts.

I'm now sitting here, having had 19 hours solid sleep, feeling much better, and am truly thankful that I am in a position, not just doing something I'm enjoying, but where people care about me. That it's not just enough for me to care about others, but that I am worthy of being cared for too. Surely that shouldn't be such an odd concept....?

So far it's been a steep learning curve, with new skills to develop and perfect, but I'm well on my way. Next week I'm away in England to start on the next stage of my training, and looking forward to it.

I'm not sure what the catalyst for change is, but I know life happens regardless of the plans we make.
I tend not to make New Years resolutions, but rather make them up as I go along. This time last year I wouldn't have predicted being in the situation I am in now.
I still have no idea where it's all going to, but perhaps we do really end up exactly where we are supposed to be somehow.

All over so soon....

Wow that was quick... and intense. Tomorrow R is back to work, then the children are back the following day.

They are ready.....

too many late nights, too much staying inside, too much having to be good, watching what they say, too little freedom.
I hate feeling restricted, contained, smothered, other people's expectations.... it's not surprising they don't like it either.

Sometimes the lid has to come off the pot and let the steam out - safely, but it has to be let out.
We all need our safety valve, be it football, dancing, art, music, whatever...

With the forthcoming term upon us it only seemed sensible to sort some essential, and some not so essential shopping.

The children needed shoes, Sam needed some winter boots, and I didn't need anything, but I did find some wellies ...

all I need now are a few puddles to splash in :)

The start of a brand new relationship

Slowly does it...

The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.

We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x

Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)

Hormones....

Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.

I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...

The process of discovery

Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.

As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...

A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.

Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."

I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too

Its almost unremarkable...

Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.

3.10 pm Saturday

Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently

I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(

They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.

R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.

We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....

Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow

People who leave footprints...

Not sure why, but this guy is in my thoughts today..

I was 20, living in Clapham, working as a nurse, travelling on the Northern line tube into work sometimes very early, and often returning late at night. It was on this commute that I met him. I'm fairly sure his name was John. I knew him for the best part of five years, but you can know someone and not really have to use their name.

He'd always say hello and we'd talk, catching up on how life was treating us both. Over time we found out various parts of our history. He'd had a wealthy lifestyle somewhere in Ireland, but it had all gone wrong. He still had family over there, but wasn't in touch. He'd struggled with alcohol and drug addictions but was clear of them for most of the time I knew him. He sold the big issue and slept rough much of the time. He talked about his sadness, we shared lots. He was a friendly face, a warm heart. He was a point of safety too, looking out for me on the way home, especially at night. He was a friend.

When I met Rob, he became Rob's friend too. Rob would wait for me so he could walk me home after a late shift, and I'd find them chatting.

Then we moved up to Birmingham.

Now I haven't got a clue where he is or what he's doing. I think of him fairly often, and if we're in London and pass through Clapham Common tube I always look out, half expecting to see him.

He was important in my life then.

There's nothing pressing I want to say to him now, I just can't help thinking.

Wondering and pondering

The week started here after a couple of days off, refreshed and with a few more jobs crossed off the to-do list. Still no need to wear socks or coats even. A good mornings work and a full hours workout at the gym, with plenty of time to reflect on anything and everything.

Today it was mainly about all those whose days are shaped by the results they receive within the hospital.

The good news and the bad news.

As I'm going about my normal day some people's lives are being changed radically and all those caught up in the ripples will feel it too. Sometimes that seems such a huge concept.

I'm always astounded at how much a simple "how are you feeling today?" can reveal.

So many people just want to talk, want to tell someone, even though that person might not be able to actually change the situation.

So, pondering, kind of praying, wondering if praying really works, but thinking anyway and pondering some more. Wondering if the gym is really the place to be pondering and wondering and kind of praying /thinking these things, but they're occupying my mind. Then it's off to school.

The day starts all over again when I pick up the children - full of their day, how exams have gone, all the details that make up and colour their time away from me.

In with this information was a snippet from R that didn't add up.

We were reminded yet again, that as so often happens, for some people it's not what you know, but who you know, and sadly how much money you have and how well thought of you are, what job you do, what you wear, what car you drive, and more than that, it's who and what your parents are.....

I know this happens, but I really, really, dislike it, and when things like that filter through and have an effect on my children, I get mad, and sad, and hurt. More so than if it only affected me.

I wonder at how hard it can be to bring a child up to believe in themselves when society can be so reluctant to see past the trappings of life to the value of the person underneath.

Fortunately he is fine with it, and seems to have far more of a balanced perspective than I had initially had as a protective mother.

The twig in silver

So, the twig is now cast and needs work to tidy it up in places.

It's far too heavy for any jewellery I can think of, so perhaps a smaller twig needs to be found for that purpose.

I do like the transformation though.

It's very tactile, and I love the shapes and images that were hidden in the wood and enhanced by the cuttlefish in the casting process.

Are there two people or three in there?

Exposed

I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.

I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.

However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.

So.... deep breath

K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"

Little R " a few"

K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"

Little R " I don't think many people do"

K "do you?"

Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"

K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)

* K finally tells the truth *

Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"

We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....



The moment had come and gone

Breathing again...

Its crisp and cold here in the mornings, yet so clear it makes me want to breathe extra deeply.
When the sun comes out it is breathtaking.

The evenings feel similar. The other day the moon was hiding just behind a cloud, and Sam and I really did see the silver lining(s) in the cloud..... they do exist!

If we'd had a camera at that moment, I'd have taken a photo, but I can't help thinking some moments are far better experienced, absorbed, internalised and appreciated in their entirety, for what they are, instead of trying to capture them on film and missing the essence of it.
I have struggled with this too when I watch the children in various productions, though fortunately someone else is normally recording an event if it's important.

There's a momentum building again in R's art work, with some very varied possibilities and potential exhibitions ahead.
This brings with it a whole new energy and feel to the house, and has an effect on everyone. It's as if it breathes a new life into the place - works in progress and new ideas being formulated and discussed. Its also a reason to get out and experience anew, wonders of nature, that require nothing more than for us to just step outside.

We don't need a reason, but I know we do it more when we have one.
His work envelops us all. I've noticed there is a different kind of calmness when we have art permeating our lives, in whatever form.

For now I'm breathing deeply and enjoying the shift thats occurring.

Laughter is the best medicine?

Not sure how to post 'you tube' clips, but this made us laugh when Richard found it :-)

Sifting through the oddments

It's not that there hasn't been anything to write lately, it's just that life overtakes thoughts, or at least the coherent ones, and it's far easier to read others' than to organise my own.

Just before half term, my car had a close encounter with a wall, so it's in being mended and I'm now running around in a lovely manual car from the garage whose horn sounds just like Noddy's!

Once it's all sorted we will be looking for a new second hand car - I have no idea why I let myself be persuaded into buying an automatic car in the first place.

We're building up to my Mum going in for an operation on her foot later this month, which will render her non weight- bearing, on crutches for six weeks, all over Christmas, New Year, her birthday and my Dad's birthday.
Losing her independence like this, albeit for a restricted time, will be hard for her but will no doubt send ripples outwards and have an effect on those around her.
Navigating the whole independence/dependence mine field is tricky, whether it is from my relationship with my parents, my children, or my work colleagues. When the balance changes from the norm we are used to, it throws up new challenges for everyone involved.

Health issues have been uppermost too since one of my best friends has been concerned about her daughter, who is the same age as Sam, and they are now waiting for results of scans to see what it is, and how best to move forward. It's been a long wait, and if it's seemed long to me, it must have seemed like eternity for her.

Christmas is being pushed at me against my will, but then I have missed postage for Australia apparently ( note in diary for September next year!) I am finding myself getting extremely irritated that shops are playing Christmas carols when we haven't even got to advent, we're hardly into November and not even past bonfire night. Does it really encourage sales figures? perhaps it does and I forgot the true meaning of Christmas lies in maximising profit.

However, it's not all dismal - the bright crisp weather is holding out as if in eager anticipation that one day I will make it out to start putting the garden to bed for the winter.

Little R has football trials tomorrow for the under 11 island football team - excitement to balance his revision and work at school - exams in a week's time

Sam is preparing for a dance festival in the new year, and I now have hundreds of sequins to stick on her orange tutu....... orange! at least it's colourful :-)

and I'm starting to think that the most difficult initial part of this transition period from one job to another is coming to a close and now its about keeping the momentum going that I've been striving to build up...

It's been hard but it's getting easier.

Distractions

When / if I change job again I think I'll make sure it's something I can do standing on my head - I do believe there are some people who choose the easier path and those who always choose the more challenging route.
I'm currently on one of the five minute breaks I'm allocating myself, after each half hour of study. The only thing is, it turns into far longer than five minutes, and there are so many distractions.



Distractions like shoes and boots.....

Finding boots to fit is almost as much a nightmare for me as jeans (Samtzmom's post today), so I was delighted to find this site on the web - recommended by a friend who has shared similar embarrassing shoe shop experiences when zips don't slide effortlessly up on a dream pair of boots - expensive, but worth it.... I wonder?

They do shoes too :-)



Am now searching for a made to measure jeans site that doesn't involve stripping in a pod in Selfridges ...

Wrapped up

There are days, when the only thing that feels right are the oldest most comfortable jeans, even though they're nearly worn through, an extra large warm woolly fleece, a big mug of tea, a log fire, some favourite music and the prospect of something nicer than studying or contemplating the other various obstacles that need to be overcome in the next few months...

I'm back from our break - which was infused with art of all kinds, coffee, wine, cheese, chocolate, shopping, music, reading, exploring, walking and just being as a family.

On the way out I met a friend of a friend, who I'd been thinking of, following the pub experience. I've always found it odd that some kind of fortuitous coincidence means I'll often bump into the right person at just the right time to give me what I need.
In this case a whole heap of most welcome reassurance.

The trip was not entirely stress free.
As so often happens, I had been responsible for travel arrangements. It wasn't the best start...
We travelled as foot-passengers on the ferry, then had a bus to catch to our hotel.
The decision not to take the car had been purposeful. However, occupying the children while we waited for nearly three hours for French public transport to arrive was somewhat of a challenge.
When we were finally shown into our compact, family room at the hotel, where there were three beds neatly made up in a row, with barely enough space to walk between them, my heart sank. Lesser forgiving families would have lynched me, instead they laughed and the beds were, at least, comfortable.
We had barely sat down when the clock on the tower started to chime. It was the clocktower hotel afterall....
it chimed religiously every quarter of an hour. The thought hadn't crossed my mind when I booked it.

However, once we had taken all this in and bought earplugs the holiday took an upward spiral. We even enjoyed the simplicity of our accommodation, as we only really needed a place to sleep.
We relaxed, the kids relaxed and we had fun. We walked and explored, visited artists as they worked and attempted to converse in our basic french.

We ate out in restaurants and the children were welcomed - I had forgotten just how much I love French mealtimes, taking their time and savouring both food and company.
Being slightly out of season many restaurants were closed so we were eating with local families who couldn't have been more friendly and genuine. It was a shared experience.

Nothing about the holiday was pretentious or false, most things were so incredibly simple.
Even the hotel fitted the holiday, although a non chiming one would have been preferential.

Fortunately the homeward journey was straightforward and uneventful and today was back to football and domesticity.

Sam still yearns for a smart hotel experience, and Disneyland beckons too - I'm sure they'll be fun when we get to them, but simple was just right for now.

Last orders....

No, I haven't joined some religious group where alcohol is deemed the devils brew or such like. It's far more practical and logical than that - and temporary!! :-)

However, I did spend all night last night in a pub.
I've been thinking about pubs quite a bit lately - partly due to Julie's brave new adventure - and partly due to a programme I watched last week about Aberfan, where it talked about how the community would want to hang on, in the pub after hours, instead of going home.

Pubs have featured a fair bit in my life socially over the years - it was where we would meet after stressful shifts to debrief and reflect before going home - before formal reflective practice was expected as part of our ongoing professional development, when we just coped, just supported each other as part of the team, shared experiences and the like.

Sunday evenings at the pub were just as much accepted as Church - 8pm at the Bedford Inn would see a number of us gathered to catch up and share where we were, what we were doing etc

Many huge subjects have been discussed, unburdened and made more manageable in the pub, there is something about the atmosphere that can make for more effective free flowing conversation, regardless of alcohol.

Evenings when deepest fears can be aired.
Evenings like last night.

It was quite some evening....

My reflection on the way home was that, quite possibly, the biggest risk any of us can take, is to have children.
I'm sure there is no bigger love than that of a parent for their child, and therefore there is no greater risk.

I'm not sure we'd have had the same conversation and the same outcome in different surroundings - it was what needed to come out.

Last night, the pub was important.

A new routine

Good days are interspersed with more difficult days at work - learning a new skill in addition to a new job is more tiring than it would seem.
The children are following my progress and pitfalls with interest and encouragement. I need to do my homework but I'm finding it's all too easy to just fall asleep.

With this in mind we have embarked on a new routine - early to bed, early to rise, which means I'm in work earlier but still just as tired at the end of the day! On top of this we have given up alcohol and increased exercise - now it's just a case of getting used to it all, and I'm sure I'll be re-energised and able to read everything I have to and want to, reply to my e mails and texts and write proper letters, and generally get done what needs to :-)

the best feeling in the world

Sam couldn't sleep tonight.

When they were small I'd fairly often cuddle them until they fell asleep in my arms. It has to be one of the most beautiful feelings in the entire world.

So I wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to savour the sleepy softness of her nestled into my neck, arms wrapped around me until she relaxed into a peaceful slumber.

A perfect way to end a day.

The twig, part one

In the summer I picked up this small piece of twig while we were out walking with S and his boys around the reservoir, with plans to try and cast it in silver, and add something sparkly to it.

Last night saw the start of this process. Hopefully we'll try casting it using cuttlefish, and then, as long as the twig is intact, we can try with a silicone mould too.

Its strange how not long after starting this, the twig, which we have all had a good laugh at, has turned into something precious and meaningful to me, and now I'm taking great care not to knock bits off it....
Then again there's something I like about that too

The biggest dream when I was a child

Your letter was only the start of it,
One letter, and now you're a part of it.
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you...
There must be something that you always want to do,
The one thing that you always wanted to
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you and you...

When I was little I used to watch Jim'll fix it almost religiously - watching all kinds of dreams come true. I'm sure if it was still running now little R would have written in to ask to watch Liverpool play live at Anfield.

Yesterday I managed to get hold of two tickets for Liverpool v Manchester City at Anfield in November, double checked flights and hotels, and then broke the news - it was a really special moment, filled with disbelief, excitement and tears of joy . I'm sure he thought it would never happen.
Now and again I find him suddenly grinning as he thinks of it.

He's so happy it's infectious.

Unexpected kindness

Its the end of another week, home from Sam's ballet class and time to relax.
Little R flew off on football tour today and it always feels as if something's missing when one of us is away.

The unexpected challenge of today came in the form of management being kind and caring.
I have been so impressed by the whole team working together, have been bowled over by their support, but was caught offguard by unexpected kindness. I'm simply just not used to it at work.

It has made me think about how conditioned we can become to only expect criticism or increased demands, so that when the opposite occurs it can be overwhelming and hard to accept.

Seeing our faults can be easier than seeing our worth..... but maybe thats because it's what we get used to.

Unique as a fingerprint

My first discovery in blog land was a real treasure, and inadvertently led me to discover various other wonderful blogs.

Small words, simple ideas, spoken by someone outside our usual group of friends or family can sometimes trigger a thought process, a way of seeing and feeling that hadn't seemed clear before.

Thankyou Pip, when I first saw this I printed it out for my son. I've mentioned before about him being bullied in the past, and his self esteem is so fragile.
This was one of those triggers, I've read it with him many times, and it helps both of us.

Sometimes we don't know what our words mean to others, and sometimes they mean so very much.

Time for....

Since I've started back at the hospital, even though I'm officially working more than I was before, in fact I now have more time free, and more time to spend with the children, more time to cook tea, more time to help with homework supervision, in fact more time generally - more time to learn things I never knew or things I have forgotten. More time as a family - things that money just can't buy.

Time for being reminded that there are words I still struggle to spell, as I check the spellings for this week... one c or two, how many s's ....?
Some words I'll always have to check with a dictionary if I want them spelt correctly!

I will never forget how completely amazed I was at the speed the children learned to read.
If anything can illustrate the sponge-like quality of a childs brain it has to be learning to read - one of the most incredible everyday miracles I've been witness to.

We have spent much time since then, learning how to spell, although I was pleased to hear the other evening that the teachers are now putting more emphasis on the content and ideas within the children's writing than they are on the spelling ...
a blessing for so many people who found spelling difficult and thought that their writing was poor as a consequence.

Now Sam will look at her writing and judge it on her descriptions, her use of dialogue, how exciting it is, and whether she has portrayed what she wanted to the reader, before she gets to the grammar and spelling.
I'm no writer, but that seems about right to me.