Summer listening

Sun's out, sky's blue, barely a wisp of cloud in sight.
Windows down, sea breezes, open road ahead, accelerator down, volume up...
a blast along the coast clears any lurking cobwebs well out of the way






"Human"

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Hear my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You've gotta let me go

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

You've gotta let me know

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

am loving this album, bought it, lost it replaced it and then found the original!!
Isn't it always the way it goes?

Zzzzzzzz

Sleep...
so often I have pondered it's worth
In the past it has escaped me,
I have yearned for it,
begged my children (not quite literally, but almost) for it,
wished I could manage on less,
observed those who have been sleep deprived,
observed the same when rested too

it changes nothing much, not essentially,
yet it helps us cope
It is vital,
and when a crisis is over it is the first thing I do...

There is much to catch up on

amidst gardening and house work, ballet exams and various parties, portfolios to prepare for external verifiers and normal every day work, which is hugely fun, and sometimes even rewarding (with doughnuts) in unexpected ways...

all I really want, and all I seem to be doing otherwise is sleep...
and if I'm not around thats almost certainly where I'll be!

red sky at night...

some times words aren't needed.
Beauty says it all,
and speaks to each person watching and feeling in their own way

it's hard not to stand in awe and wonder, hope and possibility, when the sky turns all majestic on us.

When we dream together...

work together, share together, dreams can come true....

opportunities can present themselves
and we can make things happen.

Today a new place to eat opened in town with fantastic views over the harbour (just got side tracked and never took the photos I meant to!)
the walls displaying R's art work, a place for him to showcase his work to the public.
Upstairs is more formal, downstairs is more relaxed and easy...

tonight I am raising a glass to new ventures... :)

Slowly,
sieving,
filtering
feelings,
emotions,
facts,
images,
possibilities,

Nurturing,
retreating,
escaping

into
books,
music,
work,
distraction,

processing,
sorting,
cleaning,
clearing,

gradually...

gradually letting it unravel
gradually moving somewhere
slowly...

(Leunig)

kinda stuck for words lately...
am thinking something about time,
healing, recovering,
or just gradually getting used to some things being how they are.

And about love ~
it's never simple,
never easy,
not always rewarding even,
not immediately that is...

I guess it's tied up with acceptance,
as we learn and discover more,
uncover more of the layers of one another,
over time,
and yet loving all the same.

We change, we grow, we reveal,
yet the essence of who we are stays the same,
and we know we are all fallible and vulnerable.

We don't always make it easy for people to love us
and others aren't always easy to love.

Sometimes it's simple
and sometimes it's difficult...

See,
no words,
just circles!
that's life I guess!

there is no other way,
thankfully
:)
x

and so...

So we make progress, and then we slide backwards, and we pick up, and we slide again...

Where is that helicopter to winch us clear of all of this, and whisk us away to some far flung shore to revive and recouperate with some muscle bound, tanned eye candy to soothe the soul...?

I thought as much, so much for pipe dreams!

I have however, been thinking about the places we go for help when we are low and need completely non judgemental support...

I never knew my grandparents while I was growing up, and only got to know my Grandad in the few years before he died.

However, I have watched my son these past few weeks with my Dad, working with him in their garden, mowing their lawn for them and learning about and tending their trees, listening to stories, guiding him gently in ways we as parents can't and in watching have acknowledged that we can't give it all, that we all need different inputs to make us whole. And then when they have finished outside they retreat inside for hot chocolate and time to concentrate on some of the more tricky bits of school work, and for some reason R is far more receptive to this from him than from us...
That too is fine.
In those moments I find myself breathing and believing all will be well.

It is a special relationship, bonded through the toughest of times.
Times when perhaps we have all seen the worst sides of one another, and been more honest than perhaps we would have chosen to be, but circumstances dictate that honesty and nothing less will suffice if we are to sort out this mess...!

Honest enough to say that there are times we can't do it all alone,
none of us can.
That nurturing close relationships with wise folk who care and love us is worth more than words can convey...
family or friends with broad shoulders and comforting arms to hold us and give us wise advice when we have none of our own.
For those times when although we are grown up, we need to look for our rocks for support.

They help us find our way, and they help us to heal...
from the inside out

Asking isn't easy, but there are times when I guess we all need to ask... thats what I tell others, and sometimes we need to take some of our own advice.

Just sometimes, and seemingly out of nowhere, there is a ray of light that shines so bright it doesn't diffuse, but pierces straight to the heart of those that need it.
Today that came to us in the form of a rather fantastic achievement for R jnr..

The Victor Ludorum cup for his year at sports day,
the combined result of him winning javelin, and discus and so nearly the shot too...aswell as a very impressive sprint.

I actually had no idea what this cup was until I came home and googled to find out what it meant, but then we never did athletics at school, and I was worse than useless at Latin!
I couldn't be happier for him, or prouder.

Everyone needs validation, everyone needs to succeed, and at a time when we are recovering from the destruction left by bullies who have taken much, this means so much more... (than I can say)

In the face of adversity, and with support somehow we can achieve and recover.
There are parts of us all that noone can take away. This has reminded him of some of those parts of him, and I am grateful.

Sometimes paths open up and opportunities arise...
and we are given building blocks to build on

And whoever had the idea to play the theme from Chariots of fire at the end of the day, it was brilliant and couldn't help but make me smile :)

Steps...
some are bigger than others, but they still lead onwards

nothing says we have to climb them, noone is forcing us, we can stop and rest, we can look at where we are heading, and yet somehow, once we've started we are (thankfully) compelled to keep on taking one step at a time.
Even small ones are significant... and add up.

However, even when we reach the top there will always be another mystery and more questions...



I wonder what lies or lay behind the blocked up doorway...a secret garden perhaps?
I'd like to think so :)

Trust...

sometimes it's not particular people we lose trust in,
sometimes it's life in general we feel we can no longer trust...

Just too much, in too short a time to be able to ward off the inevitable damage to our protective defenses,
our foundations shaken.

So we are left open and vulnerable,
starting over again,
with new knowledge, and increased awareness.
Yet, even when things settle,
uncertainty remains until it no longer seems to be justified...

Learning to balance again,
and relax whilst doing it,
effortlessly

But

does anyone,
and dare we,
relax totally?
or will we fall if we do?

ever vigilant,
building it up again,
still waiting for the next rock
to come from out of nowhere
and topple it over

think it may just take some time

the mystery of the dawn...

The problem with darkness is that after a while your eyes adjust,
and when it turns to grey
it's hard to discern whether or not it is light creeping in, or merely an adjustment of our focus that sees it as 'normal'.

Perhaps it is light after all, and because we are so used to the dark we don't recognise it as such.
how can we recognise that in fact it is getting lighter, and it is merely our perception that sees darkness where it used to be?

I hope so...or maybe I am clinging to the idea of filtered light.

The mystery of the dawn perhaps? It is always gradual.

we wish for a switch to suddenly flood our lives with brightlights, when in fact we wouldn't believe it if that happened, it would be blinding.

Perhaps it takes a while to adjust, not to the darkness, but to the gradual light
oh and coping with the black shadows that light brings, and recognising that that is what they are, to not to be scared of them, but accept them for what they are,
and that they do not mean we are about to fall into complete darkness again.

we yearn for sudden changes and yet there are important lessons to be learned from the halflight too.

and now for something completely different...

Everyone needs a break now and again, an escape ~ a distraction

such as coffee with friends,

and banter with the friendly guys in the shop while they try to sort my mobile out.
Why is it that I should become uncontactable at the very moment I need it the most? The very reason I gave in and ever bought one in the first place all those years ago and it gives up, it's microphone has died...oh yes, I can hear them, loud and clear, but they can't hear me at all!
So while all hell breaks loose I am stuck phoneless!

with nothing to do but wander the town till it's sorted :)

Feeling good starts from the inside out so they say...and so I succumbed to the call of some beautiful bright and fun underwear - which worked to lift my mood and put a spring in my step, plus it was cheaper than shoes, my other (recently acquired, but not particularly affordable) vice!

quickly followed by tackling the issue of dental appointments for the family, which I have been delaying for ages, but may as well get it all over at once I guess. That could well bring my vices to a sharp halt....shopping ones anyhow!

An unexpected call from my wise friend across the ocean was the balm I needed when I arrived home,

followed later on by a link to this from another friend...science is fascinating...

and curiosity begged me to watch this...! just when you thought you knew all you needed to know, you find another cure for hiccoughs :)

Comfort, love, and home.

Home is...?
Love is...?
Comfort is...?

How much do we want to fit in?
Do we dare to be different?
How strong do you have to be to stand out from the crowd and be... be just you? No frills, just you.
How do we learn that we are fine just as we are...?
What makes people listen?
What makes someone feel accepted?

What heals pain?
I mean really heals pain...? not just a patch.
Is getting by the answer? or are do we search for a more permanent solution.

How do we make sense of other peoples actions when they don't fit their words?


We can think, and may well have answers in theory to all of these, but how do we put them into practice?
and how do we effectively communicate any of this to those who feel so alone with their feelings...

sometimes love can feel as if it isn't enough.


Just thoughts that have been swimming around my head lately...it's enough to drown in if we let them get a hold!

and ps, next to laughter, children singing to themselves is the second sweetest sound... :) as I am typing this!! :)

The sweetest sound

footprints of all sizes

Our footprints marked out amongst the many other footprints on the same stretch of beach.
It makes me smile thinking who has walked there before.
We spotted bird prints and animal paw prints, tiny footprints and big boot prints...
and my families prints, linked together in life and crossing paths with so many others.
(so much more interesting than an untouched beach I think...)

This weekend we have stayed close to home.

I have revelled in the sound of children's laughter ~ missing for far too long.

Stolen by others, who have bullied, cruelly and deliberately through text and msn, and which we have only recently found out about and been able to address...
it explains so much, hurts so much, and yet now it is exposed, the pressure is off and laughter can return once more and gradually replace fear and anxiety.
We have rested and reflected and are recovered / recovering

We have felt the support and love of people close to us
and we have supported one another,
and as fragile as we are, we are strong when we need to be.

It isn't the whole story, but it is a part of it, a significant part,
and now we can and are moving onwards, armed with knowledge and strategies and open communication.

It has used reserves of energy, emotional and mental, even when we didn't have any reserves to use...

noone said it was going to be easy.. and it isn't, but it sure is worth it.

And laughter is sweet music to my ears... we hardly realised it was missing until we heard it back again...

~ light on the horizon ~

There's always light somewhere, and sometimes it takes your breath away.

I swear there is magic and mystery hidden in the shadows and the light ahead ~
it might be far away, but it is so bright and enticing contrasted against the darkness surrounding it.

Just made me stop, gaze, absorb and think, for a few precious moments earlier this evening.

A quote...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.
They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing : the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones way."
Viktor Frankl

So very connected to my previous post, and yet not connected, a quote that has lingered recently and needs no words to accompany it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here, sleep calls.
Life has changed, not that anyone outside would notice unless they knew me/us. We remain the same, yet evolved somehow...life constantly changes, and yet what do we do with the experience and knowledge we acquire?
We pick ourselves up, we carry on, we share and we learn?
The yellow brick road is a hard and bumpy one...but compulsive, so we're back on it again in search of heaven only knows what....

Liberation, Liberated, Freedom, Peace....

yesterday we celebrated 64 years of liberation from the occupation of this island during the last world war.

What a gift our freedom is
how easy it is to take it for granted, a given, without too much thought, if any, on a day to day basis,
and yet how many people would love to have the freedom we have now...

it shouldn't be a luxury.



It just got to me.

Books and music...

Two of the very best presents anyone can ever give me... :)
am smiling and so looking forward to the ride into work since a lovely friend sent me a cd in the post...

Just made my day

Beautiful people have beautiful thoughts and do beautiful things, and make people feel loved.
That is so precious and valuable, beyond words.

Amongst the daisies and the buttercups

Daisy chains,
fields of daisies to sit in for hours and dream,
he loves me, he loves me not...he LOVES me!
(whoever HE is)
Dandelion wishes,
Honey from clover flowers,
What does the buttercup say? do you like butter?
(Everyone does if the sun shines!)


planning for any kind of break, a trip, a visit,
planning, packing,
lists and more lists,
dreams, fantasy,
longing,
counting down days

childish memories
moments treasured when life was simpler,
important moments to treasure
~ those 'forever' times

right here and now...

so caught up I almost missed it,
scary what we sometimes just don't see
or else we pass by so easily

Looking out

where you'll find me thinking

Three steps forward and two back, two steps forward and three back....

Looking out on a world going by,
nothing stays the same for ever, it all shifts around, even when we seem stuck
so slowly it can be almost imperceptible,
yet shift it does and it will,
change that evolves and develops
our fear and our reassurance, vying for attention
side by side...

Thanks to the lovely Jen Gray for posting this...



and it's not just girls who feel it either...

but that doesn't seem to be talked about as much, or almost ever at all..
why?

It's the holidays

And so we got active...
doing and creating and having fun together
aka stress management ;)

kayaks we borrowed to play in




next door's dog came to play while we sorted a room to put our pool table up in...a project in progress :)


clay work that took over the conservatory... I can never get away from the scene in Ghost when I'm working in clay, but this one wasn't mine!



The finished vase waiting to be fired...and I discovered that it's not a good idea to leave my camera in the car overnight as the lens was misted up and took ages to clear... long after the pot had gone from the house.


And clearing a space around the spa for a patio area.
Lowering and levelling ground when most of it is solid granite is hard work, and we took turns with the sledge hammer to break it up...
It looks like a building site at the moment but if you're sitting in the spa you don't see any of it, you only see the lovely views and the sky!



all rocks are hard, just some are harder and bigger than others!!


No wonder I'm shattered and in need of a rest.... and there's still more left to do!!

If...

If I knew what to do, I'd do it,
If I knew what to say, I'd say it,
If I knew how to explain the unexplainable, I would,
If I could do it for you, I would,
If I could live it for you, I'd swap places,
and change back in a month, a year, however long it took

If I could feel it instead of you, I would,
If I could take away the confusion,
the hurt,
the awkwardness,
the self consciousness,
If I could melt it all away,
I would

and yet all I can do is be with you, next to you
and reassure you,
and that's hard...
but it doesn't stop me trying,

believing
and loving

Fix you

For some reason this song has been playing in my head ~






although I know there is no 'fixing' anyone...
because that would be pretending.
We heal and we mend, but we're never 'fixed' as such,
just patched up.

And our scars and wounds tell our history
and mean we fit in with others who have scars and wounds,
and sometimes we compare them,
and sometimes people tell their stories,
and we realise we're not so alone,
in that place we find acceptance, and maybe learn to accept ourselves
that we are only human, and
we can never go backwards,
only ever onwards
together

not an easy lesson to be learning over, again and again...

I want some of what he's on please :)

Perhaps it's just because the sun is out, or perhaps it's the conversation I had with a good friend who has never needed more than the bare necessities as he has travelled and who seems to navigate life with the most wonderful attitude.

Anyhow, it made me smile and I happen to think that sometimes we all need a little Baloo wisdom in our lives :)

Thanks go to the very lovely Niki for this award/meme which asks me to list 10 totally honest things about me, so why not...although I'm never sure there is much to say!

1. I guess a good start is that out of any quality, I value honesty the most. No matter what has happened the truth is nearly always easier to deal with than what I make up in my head and it is the only place to start trying to sort anything out. I find it very hard to tolerate lies and it is the easiest way to lose my friendship or my trust.

2. I am a born night owl and would often stay awake reading under the covers as a child, although I do love seeing the dawn in, and there is nothing more beautiful, especially with someone special, but it is rare I get to do it.
I honestly don't know how I managed to work the shifts I did while I was nursing!
However, I am making a mental note to make sure I see the dawn in again soon :)

3. I think I am lucky to have worked in areas and in jobs I have totally loved and have been able to give my heart and soul to, and only wish life could be longer to have given me more time to work in them, but such is life that it moves on!!

4. When I was small I wanted to be a Nun.
I'd have been a most terrible Nun, and thank goodness I saw sense quite quickly. The less time spent dwelling on that the better I think!

5. I am an only child, but have gathered brothers and sisters as I have grown up - who have been there and been my true family on more than one occasion far more than many of my blood relatives. I treasure them dearly.

6. I have an absolute phobia about having my eyes tested or examined in any way and the only time I ever nearly fainted was in 'eye theatre' during my training. Thankfully I don't need glasses - the only time I have had them tested as an adult they were fine and now I just keep testing myself as I go along!

7. I have my second purple belt in karate. I was very nearly a brown belt, just never got to the grading... and a few months ago a guy I met spent several weeks coaxing me to take it up again. If I can commit the time then Karate Kate will be back, but will have to start from scratch again!
It was actually only a way of getting into the boys college if the truth be known (I started when I was 14), but then I became addicted to it - the discipline, the fitness and the respect from all these hard guys who would take us down the pub later and look out for us too.

8. I can't draw or copy, so was told I was uncreative at school, but since have discovered I can mould things with my hands and enjoy making 3d work. I love my jewellery and silversmithing class and have gradually changed how I see myself creatively... there is nothing sweeter than proving someone's miscalculated opinion of you wrong!! :)

9. A few years ago I completed the Playtex moonwalk - a marathon 26.2 mile power walk across London overnight wearing decorated bras...in aid of breast cancer. It was the most amazing experience. I would never run a marathon but this was fun and we could still speak whereas running would be no fun!... am looking out for the next challenge, pondering the Inca trail but who knows!

10. I have done all kinds of things and been truly fulfilled in so many ways in so many areas and yet I feel as if I'm still searching, that there is still an adventure to be lived and I'm not sure where it's leading. Not so much as 'not having found what I'm looking for' as 'not quite sure where I'm headed but I'm going there regardless'...

I am now supposed to pass this award onto 7 other blogs that I think are brilliant and well worth a visit. That could be any of you guys out there, and I'd love to read yours if you fancy doing it :)

Reaching out and holding on

Reaching out for something to hold,
something to grab hold of,
a hand, a finger, human touch,
Reaching out ~ even before we are born, to hold a hand in the unknown.

It's natural, an innate desire and response.
I have been thinking of this image and story,
would love to post the image but copyright prevents me...

It touched my heart when I first read about it and saw the photo several years ago now and it has stayed with me... it's incredible.

we all want and need someone to care, to just be there.

light relief... or not! :)

Much filling my mind at the moment -

so to relax we turn on the television -

First up is
"Would you save a stranger?"
well would you?? a stranger being attacked, would you intervene? Something I have often wondered would I be strong enough to do it? Would I help? I hope I would, I hope some one would help my children if they needed someone to..
yet I know it's not an easy choice when your life may be at risk... and not what I am teaching to the children in my lessons, that they must not put themselves at risk, but must call for help...mmm

then followed by
Teenage sex vs pornography..
the last in a series that perhaps we should have recorded or let our eldest watch.. or both...
but we have tried to be good about bedtime, and after the watershed I admit I didn't want even more questions to keep us up even later, and so we switched a couple of nights ago to "only fools and horses", a far safer option pre-bedtime.

I always thought we were very open talking about sex and any subjects as they came up but now it's relevant I am questioning if we have been as open as we thought.

So, there we have it, a relaxing chilled out evening by the tv.
Nothing to worry about in that little lot... so do sleep well and please don't have nightmares!! to paraphrase the ending of another tv show.

so much for my light relief! ;)

and till tomorrow when I may have something more exciting to blog.

I am curious and interested ~

do you think you would save a stranger who was being attacked?

and do you think / wish you had had more sex education at school and if so what would you have liked/ needed at what age?

PS: if anyone is waiting for replies to e mails I haven't forgotten, but our pc keeps falling over and so I only have our mac with no regular e mail access... am working on it though :)

Revive, rejuventate, regenerate...relax,

rest, rethink, refocus,

restore

name your dream

Living, dreaming, seeing possibilities and doing what we can to make a difference to other people's lives using the talents we each uniquely have.

I can't think of anything that inspires me more really.

This photographer has travelled and seen and now has a dream which could become a reality thanks to a competition being run by www.nameyourdreamassignment.com

This is what he says -

Childhood Interrupted - Jason Florio

To bring to light the extreme hardships of the estimated 100,000 children that live on and under the streets of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Many children are victims of child trafficking and family abuse and were forced to escape to the street.

Three years ago I was photographing in Addis Ababa the capital of Ethiopia and I met a young boy called Bruke who had runaway from a small village because of an alcoholic and physically abusive father and a step mother that did not want him. Bruke, when I found him was living with his friend Oromo in a small concrete hole that was 3 x 4 x 5 ft in size that was in the median of a very busy road. He was surviving, like so many of the street children there off left over plate scraps from restaurants. Through an outreach center that tries to help the estimated 100,000 plus street children that live in the Mercato market area of Addis I was also able to talk to many other children like Bruke who had escaped not just abusive families but were victims of child trafficking and prostitution. My dream assignment would be to return to Addis and make a detailed photo essay with audio interviews with the children that would bring to light the horrors of child trafficking and the extreme dangers that these young children face everyday on the streets. The ultimate dream would be to use part of the money to find Bruke and help him establish a life off the streets. If I cannot find him then I will donate part of the money to the Forum on Street Children, an NGO that helps rescue children from the hardships life on the streets of the Mercato area.

Please take a minute to vote for this and help me create awareness about these young children.

Deadline for voting is April 3rd. Thank you for taking the time.

http://www.nameyourdreamassignment.com/the-ideas/florio/childhood-interrupted/

The stories of these children do need to be told, please check by and if you think it's important please vote...

There is an image of Bruke on HellyJ's website...thanks for letting me know about this :)

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

Kahlil Gibran

So much is a mystery, so much is trial and error - correction perhaps, it is ALL trial and error...

there is light, there is possibility, and there is hope and steps forward, which sometimes balance the times we slide backwards on sheet ice on our backsides down the mountain...
there is humour, mainly very dry and dark humour, and hands to hold while we laugh, at ourselves and our failures and while we pray fervently that we will arrive one day, albeit and very, very definitely, broken, battered and bruised, but still somehow even more together than we did at the beginning of it all,
when we dreamed those idealistic dreams of not so many years ago...

perhaps I dreamt of a smoother journey, but perhaps they weren't so idealistic or unrealistic after all,
perhaps I just can't see it yet.

Greenbelt is not just for August

Just catching up, and had meant to post this a while back.

Last August Bank holiday we were lucky enough to find ourselves at a festival we had heard lots about in Cheltenham called Greenbelt, where we listened to both talks and music, and over the weekend we experienced and absorbed many things, very personal to each of us, and we left feeling and knowing that we had been somewhere rather special. In many ways it has lingered and left some kind of residual effect inter twined through our lives.

I guess in many ways Greenbelt is not just for a weekend, it's an all year experience.

One thing that has been happening since has been a monthly podcast, available on itunes.
A bit of Greenbelt whenever you fancy it, delivered straight to your ears.

Not so long ago it was number one of the podcast charts in it's category...and that was when I meant to post about it, but visit and listen and leave comments and feedback (who knows - it may yet rise again to number one). I know a lot of work has gone into creating them..and that work is much appreciated :)

The link below should take you to them..

greenbelt podcasts

ps the photo, outside the Jesus arms beer tent on the first night.. first stop while we decided what to do next...:)

Who says you're not here any more....

Who says you're not here any more....

I can't touch you, but I can still see you,
I can imagine you around
I remember things you said
I can see you at the dinner table, I can see your smile,
I can hear your laugh, and the stories you would tell,
I have your wisdom in my mind,
I can see and hear you laughing at yourself, telling tales.

I can replay so many moments
and if I'm quiet I can hear you even now when I need guidance

as we put back R's room after we redecorated it I saw your photo there
I wish you'd managed to meet him, your godson,
that never seemed fair,
right now we could do with you here.
I nicked the photo, ok borrowed it for now,
I need you with me,
you were good with things like this,
you knew what to say, how to be, how not to be...

and always always with a smile and a laugh, always ready to see the funny side...
and yet you are here,
sitting watching, keeping me safe, guiding me and reassuring,
those wise eyes looking out from the photo,
your voice reading at our wedding,
your handwritten notes written telling me of funny things,
and sandwiched inbetween, your faith, your belief in us,

I look and I listen and I feel
and still I wonder...

who says you're not here?



( and thank you so much for comments on the last two posts - I'm coming back soon to reply to them, am all back to front right now but will get back some form of order and decorum before too long I hope :) xx )

nee naw nee naw nee naw....

sometimes as part of our professional development we would get to go out with the paramedics and ambulance crews on the ambulances..
somehow there is something hugely exciting about speeding through familiar streets with the blue lights flashing and the sirens going...adrenaline pumping and anticipation, never being quite sure of what you were going to find, unlike the specific information we would receive from the crews calling though 'blue light' cases to A&E
at one point I considered re training as a paramedic but family kind of stops that - the shift patterns don't quite fit, but everything else about it sits so well with everything about me.. oh well. another life perhaps!!
anyhow, my new job lends itself to time out with the crews.. you have to experience what you are teaching - I firmly believe that regardless of the level you are teaching and so I spent a day last week out and about...

back to my roots, back to what it is all about,
to life and death
to people making choices
to the bones of living
to experience the reminder of that split second that can change a life forever

and to what I am good at.. to what comes naturally,
and to what I am trained in - highly trained...
to the me that always has been
a love affair with life and death that has never and will never end

because as soon as I am back there it is like I have never left any of it..

they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
and that was what I decided a while back, well as far as work goes anyhow!

but it never stops you from reconnecting and feeling that zest for life that comes with remembering that feeling...and transferring the energy into other things. We may not be able to relive the past but we can take forward something special from that.

Right now I guess I need something that is not going to stretch me too far... I can do without challenging for the moment - life is challenge enough. Which is why this is ideal... new challenges await later in the year - planned for and waiting. This is my time to pour all my energy into what counts right now... but it was still good to live my dream again for a bit...

how many people really do get to live their dream - even for a while..?
perhaps I am just too greedy!!
perhaps I'm just lucky...
I can't help feeling this is only a part of a bigger picture - but I havent a clue what that picture is.

For now I am grateful for what is and continues to be, albeit with a few hiccoughs ~ calm is a word that is thankfully lingering for now and my next trip on the ambulances looks set to be an evening shift which should be fun fun fun.... aswell as sobering and thought provoking and emotionally stretching and all the things I thrive on... maybe, that is!

hmmmm that was NOT what I was going to write tonight... how odd that is what came out!

consider this more of a personal diary entry than a blog!! x

Spot the difference?

Two approaches,
two people, sat next to one another,
both experienced
both talking about the same person..

one says
"he doesn't concentrate, he doesn't listen, he's always in his own world,
when he does listen he doesn't do it properly, he doesn't follow instructions,
and he doesn't read them, and then when he tries to follow them he makes a mess, he gets it wrong, he doesn't try,

he's easily distracted..."

a question ... "who distracts him?"
answer... "oh he 'll be distracted by everyone..."

"He says he really wants to try he wants to change and he has been making a huge effort lately, but it has only been two weeks...."

Well yes, maybe, he was ill and he did miss some work, but perhaps he did do better than before and so he probably is making an effort...But thats all you expect from a band 3 child..."


Similar conversation, second person..

"Oh yes.... lovely boy, got a bit lost around Christmas but is trying and improving, had a few hiccoughs, but we seem to be getting over them, and his organisation has improved. He never minds me reminding him of things though.
He can do some lovely work and is making progress. Seems to be settling down.

"So, he's not distracted by the others...?"

"Oh they can all be distracted, but I know where they all are, and if I need to I move some of them.
He's been in band two for a while but is moving towards the upper part of it and I can see he is really focused now and trying. He's lovely"


Perspective, attitudes, approaches, labels, what makes someone want to work for one and not the other? It's not as they say, rocket science, not really!

all things I am pondering today...

Calm

Constant emotional turmoil is tiring, exhausting, not just mentally, but physically, and when there is a let up sleep comes regardless....

I have always loved the body's capacity to heal and to take what it needs for itself when it needs it. It's a pretty clever bit of kit really. Apart from the fact mine is in overdrive on itself but everything has it's faults now and again!!

So I am now rested and calm has come home to roost again.
How delicious calm is...beautiful and wonderful and reassuring.
Calm that means that we have worked through whatever we had to at that moment, calm that reminds me of what it can be like, and that reassures me all can be well.

This moment is easy to live in, easy to absorb.

Living in the moments when life has been so hard is difficult, and I have pondered them lately ~ living and feeling so acutely and so deeply, and hurting and loving so painfully, and seeming to be so helpless and ineffectual.
How do we, can we, live fully in those moments too, knowing that in time they will pass? Knowing we will look back, and that every moment of living is precious and that in some way we should be appreciating them because we are not merely existing, and yet they are, or now I look back, have been, some of the hardest moments. Lower than I thought I could go, and far more scared.
The more we love, the more we have to lose I guess.

Do I really want to be wiser if it means experiencing pain and hurt? We don't always get a choice...so I guess it's best to just take what it offers in return regardless. I don't want to miss out on the good bits, on the adventure, and yet truly honestly have wished I didn't have to live through the rough bits at times.

I'm not 100% sure why or how, but calm is here, if even fleetingly, and now I'm soaking it up, digging the garden and planting veggies and salady stuff, appreciating it's prescence nurturing my soul. It feels good.

Inbetween we have revived the hamster who for some reason had become very dehydrated and was obviously very sick but is now a happy fluffball again, and a very wonderful friend brought me my belated Christmas present... I do love it when Christmas comes all year round! :)


Thank you too for your beautiful comments, there is a community here that is hard to explain or understand, it is appreciated, thank you,
xoxo

ps, Walker... I have not forgotten your request...but those beaches will have to wait for now! ;) x

Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans
(John Lennon)

Sorry, there are no words and no pictures...
I'm sure I'll be back but right now can't do it all...

every time I think I can breathe again something comes along to stop me.
This is not fun..
but equally there is always a way, and, if there is, then it will be found,

aurevoir for now,
till next time anyhow.

Be good, and, if you can't be good...

well

use your imaginations and have fun ;)

xx

4o days

40 days, 40 people, 40 experiences.
One glass box.

In the forty days running up to Easter forty artists and members of the public will spend a day each in a glass fronted exhibition space with nothing but water, Shakespeare and the Bible as sustenance.

Interesting...
you can watch live too on the web cam

and thanks to mmp, muddled market place on my sidebar, for the link :)

You can never hold back Spring

You can never hold back spring
You can be sure that I will never
Stop believing
The blushing rose will climb
Spring ahead or fall behind
Winter dreams the same dream
Every time

You can never hold back spring
Even though you've lost your way
The world keeps dreaming of spring

So close your eyes
Open you heart
To one who's dreaming of you
You can never hold back spring
Baby

Remember everything that spring
Can bring
You can never hold back spring
(Tom Waits)

It's a beautiful day outside and it made me think of this, just seemed apt today.

Our dreams keep us going, our beliefs, our desires, our search

The seasons promise so much.

New beginnings, hope and possibility.

There are new chapters yet to unfold, with old characters and new.

It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s wondrous, unpredictable, unknown, mystical and tantalizingly enticing, drawing us in. We glimpse unspoken promises, hints of the multicoloured journey ahead.

When new chapters start they offer all those things and more, however, as a new one starts another one comes to a close, but each cannot stand alone ~ they are interlinked and interdependent on each other, essential to the mystery.

My great grandmother used to say that the longest hour was only 60 minutes long. How true, and how we feel every one of those minutes, especially when the hours stretch into days and the chapter seems never ending. Other chapters race by and are gone.

I’m wondering what these chapters ahead are going to hold, where they will lead. Will they drag or will I find myself on a magical mystery tour. And what of those around me ~ how wonderful it is to peek over someone’s shoulder and see where their story is taking them and to let them into my story too.

the world does indeed dream of spring, you can never hold back spring - our eternal visual hope, whatever lies ahead.

And even when we think we are lost, perhaps we're not.

In time

Given work and energy, time and space, everything settles..
in time :)





Thanks for your comments on the post I took down... all of you.
I have them safe still,

Have a beautiful weekend, x

A whole new take on giving them wings...!!

Wonder, amazement, awe.
Skill, power, freedom, energy, life ~ and such bodies too....;)

yet when I watch or think about it I feel fear in the pit of my stomach... I can see the attraction, but can think of safer ways of getting an adrenaline rush..

Still awesome, just it goes against all my protective instincts and knowledge that we are certainly not indestructable.

I'm not easily scared, I know the best stories are often born out of risks taken and adventures lived, that the safe option is rarely the most exciting, and yet sometimes we miscalculate, and sometimes there is no way back.....

One day perhaps I'll sit, and over a glass or two of wine, hear him relate his tales of high energy, adrenaline pumping, risktaking.

For now I pray for a small voice of reason, and some reinforcements for my nerves.
We're only human, not superheroes...

well, only in our dreams..

Spring

Hedge stalls are commonplace here with a jam jar or such like to leave money in.
A legacy of the past we manage to still hang onto somehow.
I smiled when I saw this one a few days ago. Something about it's simplicity reminded me of stalls I put out as a child.
It doesn't cost much to bring spring in from outside.
A change of rhythm, a splash of colour, a different feel to the place, the smell of spring too.

They are beautiful and spring is on it's way :) honest it is...

"I learned that the world has a soul, and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things.
I learned that many alchemists realized their destinies, and wound up discovering the Soul of the World, the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir of Life.
But above all, I learned that these things are all so simple they could be written on the surface of an emerald."

from 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coehlo



I can't help but think that most things in life are simpler than we make them out to be, we just don't always see it.
I have been away, house sitting and animal sitting and have only had brief moments to complete work at the computer..
no internet where I was staying!
(in some ways very liberating but I did miss it too)

However, there was time to reflect...
And time to face a few things that have come to light recently.
Some hard things that need work on, that need my time ~
teen troubles again.
Time, love and effort, commitment
teamwork.

If I'm quiet then that's why.
I haven't felt much like talking lately
sometimes life is scary...
been holding my breath as we start to turn a corner,
but daren't let go just yet...

for some odd reason I want and need to document how I feel.
One day I'll look back at this and remember how hard it was, but we will have come through it, battered and bruised (not literally I should add), but hopefully intact, and maybe wiser, who knows..!

The nicest thing that anyone has said relating to this is that whatever you put in eventually comes out ~
all the love and caring,
all of you that you give,
in the end it shows..

I needed to hear that
and in my heart I know that's true.

Just gotta keep on believing
and keep on loving
and showing it...



Sorry I didn't manage to reply to comments sooner.. they were all appreciated, I will be round soon, but have a very special young persons birthday to celebrate in the mean time :) x

kisses

sent from above....?
as I arrived home this lunchtime.
Much needed too.
I love moments like that, they just make me smile,
and wonder...
perhaps someone, somewhere, knew I needed exactly that.

Too short

Why do people, (all people at times,) forget that

Life is just far too short..

for so many things...

for misperceptions, regrets, foolish pride, not recognising or appreciating the good in one another,
for not loving, seeing, feeling and tasting what is around us...

too much time wasted on just not living...
time wasted on soul destroying, when it could be spent instead on soul building, or nurturing..

just thinking aloud.

It's beautiful today...

Lets go fly a Kite

With tuppence for paper and strings,
you can have your own set of wings.
With your feet on the ground,
you're a bird in flight!
With your fist holding tight,
to the string of your kite!

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flying up there,
all at once your lighter than air!
You can dance on the breeze,
over 'ouses and trees!
With your fist 'olding tight,
to the string your kite!

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

(from Mary Poppins)

Promises

You know those promises you make yourself when you're younger..
that you won't do this, and you will do that..?

that you wont turn into your parents
and you'll stay fun and cool
and you'll be friends with your kids
and you won't get fat
and flabby
and wear dreadful clothes,
that you'll only give advice when it's asked for
and that you'll keep an open mind
on all things,
on drink and drugs and sex
and you'll remember what it's like to be young
and foolish
and horny
and idealistic
and unrealistic,
and to dream
and not think about getting old,
that you'll try and see their world as they see it,
and not how you perceive it to be

and that you won't shout or get angry at anyone just for being the age they are and being daft
and you'll try to not embarass them or make them feel uncomfortable
that you'll never try and make them fit the mould you want them to..
even if you think it'll be the easier path,
that you'll let them find their own way
and just be their guide
that you won't let anything phase you -
in fact, quite naturally, nothing can phase you
even, and especially minor things like fashion and hair,

because there are bigger things in life to stress over,
and because, of course you have seen it (or most of it) before...
and of course you are realistic..

because you have seen it happen to other people,

BUT you have never had it happen to you...

there are times I need to remind myself of these things..
especially when all the things I said I'd never be peep out from behind closed doors and curtains
tempting me to give in,
and when sometimes classic situations present themselves
as they are prone to do now and again
It can be very hard to remember and keep those long held promises, to stay true to the values we decide for ourselves.

And sometimes a moment presents itself when we find ourselves keeping a long held promise and then it passes and for better or worse it was your choice,

tonight a good friend and I shared one such moment,
we smiled at one another and let it go... we kept our promises to ourselves

Every time, I say a prayer and hope it was the right thing to do...
There are more to come, and not all as easy as this one,

Staying true to our hearts,
honouring our promises,
it's harder than we think.

Kind words...spoken in love

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal.
When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."
Buddha

Words have been on my mind a lot lately...
their power to change how we think, feel, and act.
The difference between words chosen in love and those designed to maim, and not just the words, but how they are said and how they are packaged.

Once said they can't be taken back, they can linger on indefinitely, even, and perhaps, for ever..

yet silence isn't always the answer either ~ it can hurt every bit as much as words spoken can.

To be careful and use them wisely is a lesson that can't be learned too early.
It hurts when I hear people destroying one another with words, more so when they are young...
and why?

Words as weapons fall far too easily from lips that perhaps don't realise the lasting effects and potential damage done, and they come from both young and old lips alike....

And yet to quote Mother Teresa

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless"

Endless echoes are good...if only we could remember that before we open our mouths..

"Underground, overground, Wombling free. The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we ! Making good use of the things that we find - things that the everyday folk leave behind !"

I remember being fascinated when I was very small by the idea that there were Wombles living in Wimbledon common and it was in fact the only reason back then that I wanted to visit it... to see if I could see them.
Then I grew up and realised they were purely imaginary!!

Skip rummaging and reusing things has always been a part of life here - so often it feels as if we've stepped into Steptoes back yard, but then we have mirrors, shelves, a shed, and various bits around the place that we couldn't afford any other way really, plus no end of picture frames and other 'found' objects that invariably end up as pieces of 'art' in some form or other.

So, I thought it was wonderful when I was told about an event planned this friday, where, once again there will be Wombles wombling in Wimbledon, but this time for real...

The Big Womble is being co-ordinated by The London Community Recycling Network and they are encouraging people to find broken, tired and discarded furniture and household items and bring them to Wimbledon College to be refurbished and reused. At the end of the day these items will be donated to furniture reuse charities in the city. Various celebrities have donated old and unwanted furniture to be reused and there looks to be lots planned for the day.
If I lived close I'd definitely be there - instead I'll drop in from afar and am spreading the word for them...

Happy Wombling all of you :)

Looking back

Whats round the next corner and are we nearly there yet? Do we really want to know?

Isn't it strange how so many things only make sense on reflection, that while we are going through them we can't always see.
And even if we are aware, without the next piece of the puzzle we find it hard to believe.

Sometimes it's not until things get so very hard, that we are given, or we find a way out.
That we emerge stronger and wiser (just maybe) than we were.

Sometimes (most often anyway) I'm grateful I only know whats happening now and don't know what lies ahead, yet looking back it does all fit into place.
Somehow everything, including all our choices ~ made with the best information we had to hand, and all the things that were taken out of our hands too, they all fit together to make sense and bring us to where we are now.


I am reminded of the words of the Desiderata that say that
"no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

It just takes patience and faith and trust to believe in that sometimes...

we are on holiday this week, we have time and space and no set plans, a rare gift indeed :)

The Lemonade award

A while back I was given the lemonade award by two beautiful people, much2ponder and Calli...

The Lemonade Award is for sites which show great attitude and/or gratitude!

Rules for the award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Nominate your favorites and link to this post.

It has taken me so long to post this because being honest I could just refer you to my sidebar and you would find wonderful people at the end of any of them

but since am asked to choose, I nominate
Stacey at Independent chick
Jayne at Journey through grace
Romany Angel at An Angel on My Shoulder
Shaz at Dare to dream
and Gilly at Winds of Change


Thank you :) x