Indulgence

Anticipation only made the desire stronger... however, my patience was rewarded and I eventually made it to town to find the boots were still there...
but not before I had spotted some other, higher, all black, leather boots that called out and asked to be bought - they are perhaps, though I'm sure I can work on it, a little impractical, but sometimes desire deserves to be indulged, and has to override practicality... a girl deserves at least one pair of 'kinky boots' in her wardrobe that make her walk taller, even if they are bad for your feet!

In fact, starved of shopping for some time now, though I haven't either missed it or had the impulsive urge to, until this week that is, I quickly found my stride... it proved to be a day where most things I tried on both fitted and looked good... and as thats a combination that doesn't often happen, it made perfect sense to take advantage of it.

Some winter shoes, a couple of jumpers and a few tops later, together with both pairs of boots, I made it back to the car just in time to collect S from school - all in all, a good day's work :)

These are the boots that sparked off this trip.... and the photo above is the rather wonderful box they came in....exquisitely packaged... AND they were reduced in the sale....

Right here, right now...

Excited, anxious, nervous, anticipating, buzzing butterflies... 5 words for today... well 5 words right now....
Five words - something Pip made me conscious of... thanks :)

should be rewriting my cv....

want to go to town in case the boots I saw have been sold and I miss out....

R is away playing football today - returns tonight, I hope he had fun, hope he was a part of a team... yesterday he played and the team didn't work - it was a two man team of nine players... I was disheartened, he wasn't. He has so many lovely qualities, and loyalty and understanding are just two of them...

The skip has just arrived, can't wait to get clearing big time...

Back to jewellery class tonight...

Too much going on - life is full again...

I like life being full, I hate asking people for references....
and I really don't enjoy it when it spills over to writing out application forms at gone midnight...
coffee is keeping my numb brain in slow motion, but at least some motion.... Those boots are stupidly becoming more and more important the later it gets...!

A day in pictures...

Today our last ever guests left and we are breathing - not learning to, or trying to, it just happened - the air feels lighter and it's as if we've moved into a new house - the card was a thank you card from them - a lovely way to end this chapter.
Thank yous are relatively rare, which makes it extra special

this lily comes out in the same place every year, all alone, the only break in the overgrown hedge, and every year I miss photographing it because it's hedge cutting time and they get to it before I do...



A familiar scene that tells me I'm nearly home...reassuring, and always beautiful.

It's blowing an absolute hoolie outside and it would seem fair to assume that we have said goodbye to summer and are welcoming winter... first conkers are around and it's almost time for log fires...
The school term is well underway and the nightly struggle to get through three or four homeworks is becoming a part of life. Tonight's music theory was testing for all of us...and brought back long hidden memories - I'd forgotten how hard I found music...

Evenings are filled with football, dancing, night classes, meetings or other after school activities, despite our best efforts to keep them to a minimum...

So, when I have had time for me, I've been busy buying flowers for and spending time with friends, fiddling and getting more familiar with flickr, playing with the new office software for our mac...and my newest distraction...facebook, which is strangely compelling...

It's not that interesting, unless you're me of course... it's just life finding some kind of rhythm after all the change

" In wild places light illuminates beauty"

clouds on the way home

Forces at work, serendipity or something else....the silver lining, the balance of nature...
the right person with the right words, not often I grant you.... but sometimes...
the right book at the right time...

after a day like today which has centered around disappointing test results from the hospital - (not mine), and a whole host of feelings, emotions, criticisms, judgements, fear and pain being unleashed in my direction,
"Beauty ~ the invisible embrace" by John O'Donohue was exactly what I needed to be reading.

To read about beauty in such a way is to rekindle something within me, to reignite and strengthen a belief in the beauty that is around me at all times, and in the beauty, tenderness, care and kindness, that remains hidden from view...

in short, it made me feel so much better

thanks to Paul for the book recommendation

Reality bites..

Busy with work and meetings and after school activities and catching up with people, cooking and having friends round...

Trying to ignore the ear/throat/headache, which probably means I am brewing what half the population seem to have at the moment, and still getting frustrated by the number of avenues that have brick walls at the end of them. Waiting for e mails from people who promise they will, and trying hard to relax and know that it all works out in the end...
patience is hard to come by...

Knowing that money isn't everything, and hanging on to the reality that money isn't really what makes people rich, but still, not having it stops you from doing things you want to do and means we can't always join in with things we'd like to...

reshaping our lives, and creating more of a blank sheet to work with opens up more possibilities and feels right, but also leaves us vulnerable and temporarily without any specific direction...


Our final guests ever arrived into the chalet this afternoon, fitting that they were also one of the first ever guests here back in 1982 when the people who built the chalets still owned them...they brought photos too...
it is the end of an era...

and we're out tonight, to a moulin rouge themed party and need to liven myself up a little before getting into my red petticoated number for what is likely to be a trip down memory lane...

Time to dust off the cobwebs and see if perhaps I can do more than just the Can-Can!!

Tagged again...

this time by Dana about my reading habits... which vary hugely depending on what else is going on at any one time....

My Reading - Reading is a pleasure and sadly has become one of life's luxuries... a luxury because I disappear into my own world, and the times when I can do that now without causing disruption to the family are limited.
Holidays are precious, in part because I am free to read guilt free, and can read fiction as opposed to books relating to work. Over the years I have read in fits and starts, and as a student, my reading apart from the text books was fairly limited to the Nursing Times and Cosmopolitan magazine.... I was far too busy having fun most of the time to read and too exhausted the rest of the time...
That said, I think if you love reading it never leaves you.
I often have a list of books I want to read and more than one book in progress at any one time.




Total Number of Books Owned - I honestly haven't a clue - we have bookshelves full around the house and boxes of books in the garage and loft that have never been unpacked...
I keep hold of some that are important to me and others I give to charity in an attempt to keep on top of the space issue. I like the idea of books travelling to various places and being shared...I think I'd like that if I were a writer...

Last Book Bought - Beauty The invisible embrace by John O'Donohue

Last Book Read - Mother's milk by Edward St Aubyn

Currently reading - Love in the time of cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, A perfect life by Raffaella Barker, and Anna and the black knight by Fynn

Five Meaningful Books - It's hard because the more I think the more spring to mind, so first thoughts will have to do.... The magic faraway tree was a favourite when I was young and then I remember being especially enthralled by The secret garden

Skallagrigg by William Horwood made an impression somewhere in between the text books and nursing times and is one book I wish I had never lent to anyone...

Rosie Thomas and Maeve Binchy were comforting easy to read fiction authors I would retreat to when life was stressful and I returned home to the safe haven of my childhood bedroom when I was at college.

Then as a parent, so many books have been meaningful - Dr Seuss stands out and is well loved - again several of his have wandered off and had to be reordered... any books that can inspire and nurture the desire for children to read just have to be classed as meaningful...

The Mercy of thin air By Ronlyn Domingue, The lovely bones by Alice Sebold and The five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom are books I haven't been able to put down once I picked them up, though I detect a theme running through them there...

Recently I discovered Mister God this is Anna and wish I had picked it off the shelf earlier.
I have also enjoyed reading Anne Lamott for the first time, sometimes touching raw nerves and stopping me in my tracks... tears can catch you unawares at the most unexpected moments...

Interspersed with the informative and meaningful I like to have the light hearted and easy to read, a rest from thinking and an escape. I think they are valuable too.


I'm not sure who I'm tagging..... it's late and I'm off to bed... if I can make a decision tomorrow I will, but if you'd like to be tagged please consider yourself 'it' :)

Better late than never... it's been a busy few days...
I'm finally tagging

Still one pedestrian Caroline
Journey through grace Jayne
Jeff at Sharp yellow pencil
and Niki

though of course it's only voluntary but I'd love to read your thoughts

Bedtime earlier tonight...

It made my heart beat slower and deeper, and my soul want to reach out and hold him ~ hold them both ~ close to me...

an overwhelming knowing, a rare glimpse of the unquestionable love that just is, total and complete for ever, a moment of transparency, of luminescence....
sat cuddling my son, draped, long limbed, over my lap, even though he is now as tall as me and his feet are way bigger than mine, just before bedtime, on the sofa... the same sofa I would sit and nurse him as a baby in my arms...

sometimes in the chaos there are perfect moments that are beyond my comprehension, I can only wonder at them and where they come from, and be thankful....

The middle name game

I've been tagged by Jayne at Journey Through Grace to play the middle name game. The name of the game is to:

List one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.


I couldn't find anything fancy to decorate my letters with like Jayne, so it'll stay plain and simple...

J could be for jewellery, the girly side of me who likes to make and create and decorate myself, or it could be for juggling everything that needs to be done or attended to every day.

A for Africa, a dream I have had since I was about six to work there, and the reason I wanted to nurse in the first place, or for animals that seem to find us, or that I get roped into looking after whether or not I want to...

N for nosey, curious, always wanting to know more... a quest to fill gaps in my knowledge... or it could be for Nurse... a nosey nurse :)

E for energy, without it I am hopeless, and of which I now have greater reserves thanks to the summer, or extraordinary, ordinary events...the unexpected little things that make every day interesting or exciting and that make me sit up and take notice of the beauty that is around me every day




Ok, so now I'll tag:

Beth at Grace every day

The lovely Mr Tumnus

Rollercoaster Caroline

and Shaz at dare to dream

my wicked side...

dark, dingy, smoky, buzzing, noisy bars, loud music, snakebite, cider and black, ale... whisky and beer, real, earthy, let it all out, life is for living atmosphere....

pubs and bars I remember from a few years ago now...
real "what if my mother could see me now" moments.... yet being so far away she couldn't - and thank god for that.... but hey, life was fun.

it still is, it's just different...

At the gym tonight I scrolled through music to really work out to...

as I turned up the volume on some old guns n' roses I was taken back to those times - it was a tough work out... and it felt good.

tuned into my slightly wicked side... and with R on board too, I am now sporting newly dyed and highlighted hair (helped by R as I couldn't manage the highlights alone) and a temporary painted tattoo... :) if I hit on a design I like then maybe it'll become permanent ~ till then, which is the far more likely option, I'll keep on experimenting.

sometimes I miss those days.. and nights...

oh and I always wonder what other people are listening to on their ipods at the gym... and what their wicked side is...

Hope you like the new decor - just fancied a change...

bit busy here, will return soon, x

Wish I knew why...

I woke up feeling out of sorts,
nothing terrible wrong in my world,
just not quite right
the stomach ache that stopped me getting to to the gym,
the invite we can't afford to accept,
the friends birthday I'll miss,
feeling sensitive and knowing I shouldn't,
shut out and alone, misunderstood, observing,
seeing the sun shining and not knowing how to join in
losing my direction and not knowing what to do

thinking logically and then dismissing logic
because I don't feel like being logical.
logic makes no sense,
only feelings make sense
and then I don't understand
how a feeling can be blue
but it is...

please don't worry, there's nothing wrong,
not when there are so many other big issues in the world,
even I can see that,
it's just the moon and stars aren't quite aligned today,
severe talkings to, kicks up the bum, shaking myself, not sure any of them would do any good...

some days there's just no accounting for feelings....

I have never been a football supporter as such, but in this house it would be hard to ignore a young lad's passion and enthusiasm for the mighty Liverpool, and so we follow their ups and downs, and cheer and console at appropriate times and strangely I do get drawn in by it all...

So when we heard that Liverpool legends such as Bruce Grobbelaar, John Barnes, Jason McAteer, Ian Rush, Michael Thomas and Gary McAllister and others were coming over to play a local team it was too good an opportunity to miss. Names I do recall from not so long ago...

The date was set for last night and they wanted mascots and people to take part in a penalty competition at half time
I managed to secure tickets, and R was offered the chance both to be a mascot, and to take a penalty...




He came home with a stack of memories and a signed ball from sportsmen who were approachable and fun, who appeared to enjoy their game and last night at least didn't take it too seriously... if Grobbelaar monkeying around on the bars and walking on his hands was anything to go by!

And if and when my attention wandered from the game it was lovely to observe how fit and toned these men still are...

It's that time of year - we've exhausted the plums and the damsons and now we're onto the Bramley apples...or rather the children are...

scrumping from my parents orchard to sell on our hedge - an easy way of supplementing pocket money and having fun too.

I remember planting it with my Dad, along with many other trees when I was about their age, and we would spend many evenings walking round, chatting and looking after them as they grew. Now it's wonderful to see my children playing in their garden, my old playground... and climbing trees that were only a few feet high when we planted them...

now that does kind of make me feel older than I really am....

I was sad to see though, that something seems to be attacking many of the fruit trees and making them very sick, all apart from the bramley that is, which seems to be ok at the moment......
not sure what it is - and my parents are away. I'm sure they know.... just hope it's treatable, it would be very, very, sad to lose the orchard.

A gift

It is so rare, amidst the chaos and bustle of life, I have been granted time to myself.. to do...whatever... whatever I want...

R is at work, the children are at school, I have cleaning and washing and ironing and shopping, oh and then there is gardening and, if I fancied it, decorating to do..and the list goes on and on...

but it seems foolish ( or you could read selfish!) to not use this time, so precious and valuable, so rare, to be still, to please me, to listen to what I want to do... because in a few hours this bubble of tranquility will be shattered when they all come home...

So I have granted myself permission to let myself be - too often we are juggling to fit things in, we make sure all the essentials are done and then there is never time for the extras... today is my day for those extras.. but it still feels like I need permission, a let out clause from the every day chores...

however, with permission granted to myself... I am free to visit a friend, free to browse through the shops and now free to sit and read and catch up with a cup of Earl Grey. Then I have a book I'm wanting to start and some exceedingly nice wine to search out - we borrowed a bottle from my parents yesterday while they are away and I now have a desire to stock up our wine rack and replace their bottle at the same time...

The house is peaceful, it's a gorgeously sunny day, the windows are open and I'm soaking up beautiful music from Sarah Masen "Magic that works" as I type, that arrived a few days ago.

Perhaps it all seems sweeter for the trauma of the past week, I don't know.

A day of grounding, of being still before launching off into life again...

Am thinking that this is what it feels like to stop the world for a while... you wouldn't want it every day, well perhaps just for a while each day... but I do know that I've LOVED every moment of doing and being and choosing exactly how I've spent my precious time today, and I have absolutely no idea when I'll get a chance like this again!

Today brought good news... huge relief but also reeling from the past couple of days and processing where we've been...
bodies change and grow and this was part of it, part of the process...

so we're almost back on the planet again... and steadying ourselves and saying thank you a million times over...

and thank you for your thoughts and prayers...

in other news we also welcome the latest addition to our household...

Houdini the hamster...

the children's present to their Dad for his birthday....nothing quite like buying a present you want yourself for someone else and then sharing it :)

First impressions are that he is a slightly off the wall kind of guy, a bit kamikaze as he flew off the kitchen table at great speed, fortunately landing on the chair - and an expert at escaping - he demolished the carrier box they gave us by the time we arrived home and is very active and busy... with a glint in his eye that spells trouble ahead..

oh and ever so slightly, just a tiny bit, cute...

the adventure starts here...

what a night!

Thanks Jayne for your comment, sorry I had to take the last post down for a need to try and focus on more positive thoughts...

Guess this is just the way life goes....
I was busy typing up a post about R junior's first proper day at school, how well it had gone, how much fun he had had and how he was welcomed by some of the year above as R 'the legend'... I hadn't realised that, although of course we think that highly of him , he had earned such respect, albeit only on the playing field, from his peers and those in the year above him, but I am sure it will make the transition from one school to the next far easier, and for that I am incredibly grateful...
the latin lesson hadn't come to pass thankfully, though we wait for it next week.... the very words amo, amas, amat, or dominus, domine, dominum... bring a certain trepidation with them.....the romans and sextus slaying goodness knows who...
I thought I had escaped the lion's den the first time when I was finally allowed to give it up... now it's time to face it again and I have no reason to suspect that R or S will find it any easier than I did, though admittedly they may...

Most of the day I have spent in distraction mode waiting to find out how the day had been....

and then in the middle of me typing..... the unthinkable........ one of the children reports they have a lump somewhere they shouldn't, we check, it's there... and however hard we try the fear keeps rising...

possibly the worst fear I have ever felt... no, make that certainly...

I have never been so completely and utterly terrified in my life... whilst keeping a calm exterior and being totally logical...

we reassure, we make plans for doctors appointments... with anxiety from the kids because they don't want to ruin their Dad's birthday tomorrow with going to the doctor ( birthday's feature higher on the scale than doctor's appointments in my children's lives..!)
....and I do what I need to... I phone my Dad...

not sure how much sense I make...but I know he's always there...
my Mum is too... but my Dad has the relevant medical knowledge...a blessing and a curse...but that's another story to be written in the history books of our family...

Tonight it is indeed a blessing... the phrase 'rare as hen's teeth' makes an appearance...I sure as hell never want to see any hen's teeth...
but we'll get it checked any way...
words can't take me through tonight really...

am so relieved and yet still so shaken...

it always happens to other people....and then you realise it can happen to you...and it makes me feel so small and scared....

and what is really truly important is right here in front of me...
It's been a tough night...

and tomorrow we will hopefully get the reassurance we need...
not forgetting how good today had been until then...

back to health and back to work...

latest tests confirm that the summer and lots of iron and red wine and good food and some rest have worked their magic and returned the body back to good health...
whoops of joy that the recent surges of energy are not imagined but have their roots in something more physical...
Incredible that such a simple deficiency can make you feel so feeble, and totally wretched, and incompetent at just living, and yet it can be rectified easily by an awareness to detail and a degree of nurturing and caring...

perhaps just caring enough to feed the body, instead of ignoring it's needs and merely relying on it not to give up...


as I face the return to work, so R junior starts at secondary school... am praying his first days are as uneventful as my first day back was today... we try to quell the nerves and anxieties but it's not until we're through it that we know whether they were justified concerns or not...

and so new school shoes are bought and the flip flops are (nearly) put away... signs that lazy days of summer are starting to fade...

So many beautiful words and thoughts, phrases and quotes written in the margins or tucked at the top of blogs I visit regularly that become familiar and are so easy to overlook...
and so many beautiful moments all around, waiting to be lived...


"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out"

I like that...lots...

from Shaz at 'dare to dream'
an inspiration and my newest entry in my sidebar :)

figments of our imagination...

Until I became a parent, I hadn't realised the very fine line between childhood magic and fantasy, and deceit...

Of course there is a F*ther Christm*s...and a t**th fairy...
my husband introduced me to the E*ster b*nny too....!

but once you have made friends with these very real figments of our imagination how do you deal with them....?

There have been times when, as a very tired stand in M*ther Christm*s, I have been very tempted to just leave it up to the real one to sort the presents out...and let me get some decent sleep in the knowledge I will be woken at some unearthly hour anyway... but that seems slightly too risky to be feasible...

and now I am being let down very badly by the t**th fairy for similar reasons...
It would appear that she is seriously shirking her responsibilities and not coming to my rescue as I am now flunking my t**th fairy exams, or more accurately continuous assessment, in spectacular fashion.... good intention doesn't get the job done...neither does sitting watching a film with a very nice bottle of wine and falling into bed without a second thought for the tooth so carefully placed under the pillow...

escape plan A has worked a couple of times in the middle of the night when a distressed child has woken us to say she hasn't been... again... turns out the window has been firmly closed and so obviously she couldn't get in, open the window and by the morning all will be well....

escape plan B is in progress......

how does anyone keep on believing in a fairy who is so bad at her job....?
well this one is fairly sure she has been rumbled... but no one is saying...

she tried not playing for a while, but got told off....
she has considered asking if they still believe but then that would shatter an illusion... and illusion and fantasy and magic are fun.....and it might just leave her exposed as a fraud...
is this a time for confessional moments....
but who says it's just fantasy anyway?

which leaves her sitting nicely in the middle of nowhere.... a guilty fraudster conned by the child in her that can't let go and wants to keep the dream alive.... yet failing miserably ~ it really is quite hard to be a good fairy.... and even harder not to be one at all...

(and whats the betting that some child googles this despite my efforts
- do I need more *'s ?)

*actually looking at the size of those roots in baby teeth, I think the tooth fairy would be pretty mean not to give generously... *

As happens with big days and events, it takes a while for them to sink in, at the time there is so much activity and energy and focus on bringing it all together that it's a buzz.... lived through and experienced, but digested later...

there was a huge amount of excitement from the kids and anticipation, and in the end it's not the float as much as the experience that made the day...

Size was irrelevant... it looked good, and when we had the banner and the kids and they were giving out sweets and stickers, and had decorated t shirts, the inflatable bananas and music accompaniment, we certainly weren't going to be overlooked...

They were proud of their work and rightly so.... involved in every step of the process they claimed it as theirs - which was fantastic... and despite some nerves, they shone....numerous photo opportunities as we went around the arena.. and then onto the night time illuminated parade too...

nerves seemed to have faded by the evening....and together with a carnival like atmosphere they were on a high...

They did in fact win their category and would have won a trophy had it not gone missing, but that didn't seem to matter too much...
A memorable day for all the right reasons...and hopefully remembered by many others, not just by us....

and it never rained... :)

am equally as pleased that the weather has stayed bright for those in my sidebar and others who are away at the greenbelt festival....am certain the weather doesn't make it.... but I'm sure it helps....

small with big ideas...

I know it's never wise to compare yourself to others...
oh we were so proud of our efforts....we've looked after it and put in hours of work...
even got up early so the roads were quiet to take it to the park...

honestly it looked big when there was nothing to compare it to....
now all we can do is laugh at our big ideas, our grand delusions... how foolish...
we have laughed and laughed this morning....

our tiny float sitting next to it's bigger flashier neighbours....

"at least we've got blow up bananas" the children are saying - oh and lots of people to make noise, and sweets... (perhaps bribery helps)... and music... maybe if you make a lot of noise it gives an appearance of being bigger than you really are... we have all the trimmings...

it's fun, it is what it is... there's pure quality under that small exterior.... who says that size is important anyway?...

the small float with big ideas.... waving the flag for fair trade ...

more to follow later...

motivation has been in decline and I think I could quite easily ease into a new comfort zone of relaxation and little work, late nights, late mornings good food and wine and general self indulgence.... thats holidays for you...

the reality of life beyond holidays is all too close...and today I broached both health and work issues...

on top of that we worked solidly on the float, which is now as ready as it can be until it is assembled at the last minute tomorrow.. photos to follow I promise...
and having just finished putting the final flowers on it and arrived home, the heavens opened....

hopefully it will survive it's night wrapped in tarpaulin and if it rains on the parade tomorrow it will be a soggy mess...along with lots of other soggy messes....

in need of rejuvenation and escape I headed down to the beach and the family followed... we walked along the shore,climbed over rocks, looked in rockpools, and paddled at the waters edge.... the sun went down and then reappeared just in time to set..
I loved the reflections and the almost surreal, ethereal feel as we watched the sun go down...

time for bed...

Because...
it's good to focus on other things sometimes... and it's easy, well it is for me anyhow, to get caught up in stuff thats likely going to happen whatever and however, and has had plenty of time spent on it already...
and because when I get caught up in all those things I miss others...




Yesterday S disappeared into the garden - "I'm going to pick flowers" she said....
Next thing we knew there was a huge clatter in the conservatory...
"It's ok - it's only water...I'm clearing it up..." she called through to us
I resisted the urge to go and check - she was calm and controlled - I should be able to let her deal with situations and trust she is old enough not to need me to clear up her mess...

the reward...
a vase full of beautiful flowers I hardly realised were out there...

There is nothing quite as beautiful as a gift from the heart to ground me and make me realise whats important... every time I look at them...

Oh for a child's simplicity...

Sparks, lights and Sundays...

Lazy Sunday mornings....a fading memory of student days long gone when staying in bed reading the Sunday papers or recovering from the night before were just what happened...

When I was little we always went to church - and you know what - it was always fun....
people seemed happy to be there and Jesus was a cool guy who we all wanted to know more about and learn to be more like...
the priest was fun... he even wore Jesus sandals and would come round for cups of tea...and he played rugby....
It felt like a family and I really did look forward to sundays...
one week I stayed over with some friends of ours and went to church with them...it was different but still good fun....
I grew up saying night time prayers and wanting to be a nun ....but then we all emulate those we admire I suppose.

It was as if all the lights were on and I wanted to know more....

Then gradually things changed... the priest changed, I moved school, people became very serious and I was told I had to go to confirmation classes... it became very dictatorial and prescriptive and the lights started to go out.. one by one.... in fact this quiet calm compliant girl really shook the boat when she refused to be confirmed because she didn't know what she was being confirmed into, and whether she wanted to...or WHY she was supposed to believe what she was told she should believe in.... the priest even came out for that one... ;)
oh and somewhere along the line - much earlier on, I had also had a change of heart on the career front...a wise choice in hind sight I think...

however, logic prevailed... I gave in and was confirmed...but the lights stayed very dim for a long time...

In London the church near the tube would sometimes leave it's doors open... and when Mum was ill I would pop in on my way back from work and again, very gradually, the lights started to come on....

Then when we wanted to get married we were told we had to attend more classes.... I was in love..and we wanted to marry, so we had to attend...I put on my very best grin and bear it face and we got through - they thought I really enjoyed it...I was always happy....!

lights are fading again....

There was a virtual eclipse when, after several miscarriages they told me they wouldn't baptise R if he was born prematurely unless we attended yet more classes....

what is it with this national obsession....?

however, as they were being very kind to us they managed to squeeze us in to a full course, although it wasn't really the norm....I didn't smile throughout those classes...
anyhow, R arrived two weeks late... so it turned out to be a lot of fuss for no good reason...

We were spared classes when S was born... though they would have liked us to...

there were more classes for us, not just for R and S for their first communion....

and soon R is going to be asked to attend a two year long course of confirmation classes....

I don't want to inflict my stuff, my issues onto him - perhaps they'll be fun... it just seems nothing changes... when did we lose sight of the cool guy I loved as a child - who helped me through in London, who has sat with an arm round me on many dark nights and reassured me all would be ok somehow......and who I still believe in and want my kids to love too.... when will the church start turning lights on instead of off... leaving doors open instead of keeping them locked unless you pick up the key on your way out of the class with your certificate and badge... one of the elite who has been allowed in...

so I search for ways to turn lights back on....

church doesn't really do it for me though I want it to... really want it to....but gradually there are sparks ignited by people I have met.. and books I have read that I had never heard of before... and certainly even if I had heard of them I doubt I'd have read them... not in the dark anyway...

I have to thank blog land for some of these sparks... gradually I am reading, digesting, rarely feel able to comment - am not qualified to comment or even to have an opinion most of the time...well ok I am qualified to have an opinion - just perhaps not such an informed opinion as I'd like....

so please keep those book recommendations out there and keep writing, making me think more and question, and reconcile some of the wondering with the awe I felt as a child...

the sparks are helping and keeping me going :)

Serendipity and things that make me smile...

The holidays are flying past and on a practical level we need to prepare for the start of term...
Saturdays spell cleaning for us and greeting and being nice hosts and hostesses...
sometimes I hate being nice to order...

last night as I sat sewing name tapes in... a tedious task.... we relaxed watching 'Maid in Manhattan' a feel good film borrowed from a friend....... we rarely get to watch any films together... in fact have seen very few movies... tonight we have 'Serendipity' - recommended by Jayne. In fact it's been one of the things I have enjoyed this break - watching dvd's we haven't seen before... 'Little Miss Sunshine' was a real treat to see in Herm when it rained...


However, serendipity is on hold for the rugby....
do I mind the boys ask?

Considerate I think, but they know my heart beats ever so slightly faster when my Jonny is playing... and he doesn't disappoint...I admire him for many reasons - but the sheer testosterone oozing from the screen is addictive too...and he makes it all the more interesting to learn more about the game...
a great athlete with fantastic legs... and he hardly ever misses...
ok, I'm easily pleased but he will bring a smile to my face and lust is allowed when it's the gorgeous Mr Wilkinson...shame about the result though...

there are more name tapes to sew.. and other things left to do... can't believe how fast this holiday is going... and am only just getting into it...



oh and a couple of things that made me smile today - in preparation for the start of term I picked up the latest night class brochure - I'd seriously miss my silversmithing class if I couldn't do it...
seems like every other person we know is teaching this year... a sign of the times - it's expensive just to live here....
but honestly.... who thinks up the titles of some of the classes....?

'art for the terrified'.. repeat course ( I'm guessing because it didn't work the first time round... they are still terrified? )
and 'living with hearing loss - repeat course'... had us giggling... however juvenile that is...!

Finally got to watch Serendipity...a beautiful film about love and fate and destiny...thanks Jayne, x

A heart came though my door...

a heart to hold, to treasure, to remember..

A heart that says I care, I am thinking..

A heart to tuck away in a pocket ...

or in my bag to bring a smile when I spy it sitting there...

A heart to remind me that someone has thought...

thought I am special ...

it's smooth and cool...

and is beautifully tactile...

I love this heart... and I love more the thought behind it, thanks Caroline, x

Preparation, preparation, preparation...

Tired eyes tonight, and aching muscles....
we couldn't live for too long without a schedule or plan of sorts...
So, we decided to devote at least part of today to the process of construction of the float.... it's not big, but it is requiring an inordinate amount of preparation to provide the support for the actual 'display' to be mounted on.... it all needed bolting, screwing or fixing in some way to each other, and as it's generally safer and easier to use power tools and saws when there is just us around, we spent more time than originally intended there ... time well spent, yet so little to see for our efforts - time to start to make it look pretty tomorrow when the other children are around.. oh and the television are coming down too....

I know preparation is always the key... but it is soooo tedious.... maybe not helped by the filling and sanding going on in S's room at home too...

lots of half finished, well prepared jobs...

and just started back again and nowhere near being finished on my latest antedote to excess indulgence over the holidays... my return to the gym....

a warning...
beware new shiny machines that look deceptively like an ordinary cross trainer and promise perfect glutes and quads...
the people who design them must have serious sadistic tendencies... I've not worked as hard for a long time - enjoyable wasn't a term that came to mind as I sweated my way through todays workout... however, I have a feeling it may be quite effective if used over a period of time.... and maybe one gets used to the pain... not a conclusion I want to jump to without due consideration...

then, just about enough time to get to the cinema to watch Hairspray with the girls... S's friends and a couple of mine... only a few days since we were there with our visitors watching the Simpsons...
thoroughly enjoyed both for different reasons... makes me realise though that the only films we ever get to see these days are children's films...

It's not really surprising I'm stiff and aching .... something concrete for all our work would be nice to see, but until then, sleep is in order...

Summer treasures...

as an aside from the other aspects of life.... escape to blue skies, dreamy days, no schedule to keep to, warm sun on bare skin, even the start of a tan...it seems like summer has finally arrived...

and grabbing every moment just because noone can tell how long it's going to last...

the mind takes time to catch up with the reality of freedom..

Can't remember when we were last able to give in and relax during the summer...

good things rubbed off from friends visiting - more like family than friends... a bit like I imagine an older brother would be like.... someone to look out for you, to care and have fun with...

now we are back to the four of us with four long weeks of summer holidays stretching ahead of us... it's almost like being a child again when time was irrelevant and the sole purpose of holidays was pleasure...

a delicious perk of taking a break from work....

It's 3.30am

Can't sleep....

Take three happy children, then throw in one extra who is nice to one, and not nice to the other two.... add in lack of life experience and insecurities, bitchy comments and snide remarks, purposeful ignoring and leave to brew for several months....

Each child in a no win situation, none of them truly happy but unable to see a way through.

It's all been stirred into a murky mess...

As parents it's easy to see where it's all gone astray but less easy to help sort out......
previous strong friendships are suffering between the children .... I am so frustrated by it all.... and saddened... such unnecessary trauma, manipulation and disruption....
tears at bedtime and during the day too...

life lessons age 9.....

somehow I have to make this stop ...

It's a whirl wind of activity here now the boys have landed.... we /they have slipped and slid , climbed trees, drilled, hammered and bolted the now very pimped gokart back together, helped with sawing and measuring for the float, run up and down hills, played for hours in the sea, eaten more food than I have ever had in the cupboards, stayed up incredibly late, erected the tent in the garden to sleep in and then still been up at the crack of dawn...

However, excess sun and grass burn may just have stopped play for the moment.... it's hard to tell the difference.... but a lot of fun was had in the process... it's just the adults who can't keep up!

If walls could talk...

We are creating more space in our home...

last year we took back one of our chalets into our living space to use for us, but so far we have only really used one room, a bedroom, which is now our study.
It has taken some time but finally we can get on with making the rest of it our own.

We chose our new paint colours before our holiday and with the beds gone and a few minor plumbing and electrical adjustments we will have somewhere the kids can go and be, relax, chill and have room to themselves. R gets a studio to paint in... and I get the kitchen and shower room at a guess... It's exciting...the changes that is...not the kitchen and shower room....

Earlier tonight though, as I sat in the now semi empty space which was the living room, I couldn't help thinking of what that space has been to so many people over the past ten years since we have lived here and even before then -
a holiday home specifically requested year after year,
a stop gap between homes,
the start of married life,
a trial run before comitting to a relationship...
it's seen single parents with young children and young families with nowhere else to go.
Most recently it was a refuge for friends of ours.

I often wonder the stories different places would tell if only they could ~
so many individuals have lived here...
so many dreams dreamed and experiences lived
feelings etched into peoples memories..

A part of me is sad we're changing it.... space is valuable...
tomorrow it will become space for guests of ours and then, after their stay, it will be ready for it's transformation and take on a whole new meaning for our family...

Solitude...

or solitude remembered...

special moments of tranquility and moments where time slows enough to make sense of the previously incoherent, or to allow for a moment of revelation to appear from out of nowhere - the kind that catches you unawares...

A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...

Our float for one of the summer shows over here is in progress....and from now until then we will spend many evenings making numerous paper flowers... we have plenty of paper to go round all our friends and as the wine flows and the evening progresses the flowers multiply.... we already have thousands but need a few thousand more....various bright colours... it's going to look good :)

However there is still much of the construction of it to be worked on and practical aspects to be considered... which could be why, while we were busy working out surface areas and reacquainting ourselves with Pythagoras theorem and pi from school days, we completely overlooked whether it would, in fact fit through the doors.... until the caretaker thought to ask the question that is....

Of course we should have known better.... having encountered this problem previously with other large structures/ sculptures we have made it has to be one of the main considerations....

Very fortunately we were spared the hassle of dismantling and reconstructing, and a whole lot of huffing and puffing, as we discovered it squeezed through the gap with only a few millimeters to spare...

Earlier today, with R at work doing fun things for activities week that we can't join in with, the three of us headed out and about to find some fun of our own.
First stop and literally no more than a couple of minutes outside our door, were the most amazing colours and space... hard to find sometimes on a small island... a reminder of what it is like to breathe deeply and digest the beauty that surrounds us... the crystal clarity of the blues and greens was stunning... and not a soul on the whole beach apart from a man training his three dogs... we watched for a while and then went on our way, invigorated, refreshed and calmed...
It's hard to imagine the change in this tranquil scene in winter when the waves crash over the shore and drown the place where we stood today... awesome, powerful and beautiful.

Last night our garden and house was full as a last minute barbeque escalated in numbers with friends and their children. We had a brilliant time but I woke up tired and reflective.

There was a dawning realisation that in a weeks time we would be a far quieter household but much more than that, new friends who have been staying with us for the past six weeks will be moving on and we don't know when we might see them again - the future is uncertain.

It's always tough when there are no obvious solutions to problems, no answers, when we are effectively useless, and more than offering the little we have to each other - which can seem extremely meagre - we can only sit with each other and be together, muddling along.
Some days I'd sincerely love a crystal ball, as long as it told me what I wanted to hear of course... wouldn't it be nice if we could see instant replies to our prayers.. though I know they aren't always answered as we want them to be...

perhaps in part my thoughts this morning were guided by the fact that one of R's best friends who had moved away last year was back for the night and the boys all managed to get together - it's hard as R seems to be brilliant at making friends who have to leave this island for one reason or another and noone ever seems to stay put...

I feel for him, for them and for me...

I know we are far richer for the friends we have made, yet we are constantly having to let go ... and I think I have mentioned before that's not one of my strong points...

Still we do have an ever increasing number of people to visit when we do finally make it off this small rock....

It's July - the weather could be described as a tad inclement but we're faring far better than parts of England...

Thanks have to go to my SIL for sending such a lovely scarf to keep out the chills whilst watching sports day which was rained off last week... an apt and appropriate gift as it turns out.
Coffee and biccies for those parents who braved the cold to watch helped enormously...
Colourful comfort at what should be the start of the summer

the backlash of tiredness

I guess it's to be expected...
the tiredness, the attitude...
theirs and mine...
they push
I cope badly
they keep on pushing
boundaries stretch
then burst
I react, shout,
feel guilty...
noone tells you how to deal with 'attitude'...
didn't realise I signed up for this...
but it's too late now.

Escape,
start walking,
leave them with R,
time to breathe,
time to think.
A friend calls..
we talk,
they know what it's like... expect it to get worse before it gets better... but it will get better..
perhaps I'm not a bad Mum
perhaps I'm just human...

Tiredness gets to us all...

back home,
hugs,
apologies...
time to think has been good...


all made up, tucked up
adorable angels with attitude
Perhaps I'll get it right next time...

He's back...

A bedraggled boy lugging a heavy bag full of muddy clothes arrived home safely after a wet and tiring week. After a long soak in a deep bubble bath, dry clothes and having raided the fridge he's settled back in, familiar sounds fill the house again and it feels soooo good...

Both children have spread their wings this week and been brought back home at the end of their respective trips, I'm pleased to have them back and am pleased they have been away - I hope and pray that they will always feel they can come home - want to come home - and that home should be a place of refuge and comfort and love... a safe place just to be themselves...

No sooner than I had thought these thoughts than I am aware of a new shared file on my itunes... and much as I love my son, I don't always want to share his music, at least not quite so personally, on my ipod... as no doubt he wouldn't want to share mine...

Enquiries reveal that the shared file is from l*mewi*e where the two boys (R and friend) have been downloading free music... and attempting to download a music video ... but have inadvertently not only downloaded a semi n*ked video... but managed to share it with anyone on our extended network... R's laptop from school and our friends laptop next door included....

I can quite see how it happened, though not overly amused at it being shared so freely... we must secure our network soon...!

fortunately it was relatively easily sorted and a lesson learned... there was a degree of embarrassment by the boys - though whether it was because of the video content itself, or because I found out, remains to be seen....

We now have managed to separate his music from mine, and all is back on track...

Yes I missed him dreadfully - a whole week free from chaos and scrapes... it's what makes my world go round... :)

Happy moments recently

S returned from her trip with an extra aura of self confidence, and serenity.... delighted to be home but pleased to have been away for the first time without us too.

She looked so grown up - with the longest legs ever - as she went in for her ballet exam today, hair pristine with blue flowers neatly around her ballet bun! nerves under control and smiling on the outside.

I'm missing R (junior) terribly, no news is good news and I'm sure he's having a fantastic time.... I bet there's no clean clothes left even now.... please god let the seas be calm on Saturday...

A belated birthday present.... :) what a surprise.... a total surprise.... bright and colourful, a scarf all the way from R's sister in Australia. S and I went to collect it from the post office after the exam ..... just the thought that someone has been thinking of me out of the blue makes me smile... and it is a rather nice scarf too...

and finally this evening an escape working with a group of young people on our battle of flowers float, seeing ideas coming together and hearing them wishing they could spend more time on it because the hour goes so quickly...

and now... time to spend reading before bed... the luxury of escapism... a couple of books I'd normally reserve for beach reading that won't stretch my brain cells, but are good for relaxing with.

Not many words around, am blessed with R who is the most amazing Dad to our two beautiful children... I can't think of anything more precious than that.

We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)

My few days off....

A few days off in a row have led to some rather interesting times.....

time for cleaning chalets now the yearly redecorate is almost complete, meaning a colossal shop for cleaning bits and pieces for the season... and cringing at the sheer volume of chemicals, regardless of the eco friendly contingent...

time spent with the family playing and enjoying each other - time to practise our unicycling skills - or lack of them....:) bringing out the stilts and pogo stick too....

time for haircuts and the eventual demise of the clippers - fortunately just as I came to the end of little R's haircut...

and some interesting conversations - unpressured time together can lead to ideas settling and taking shape - after which I feel rather like a kitten stuck up a tree... moving forwards, but knowing that there is an inevitable leap to the next tree not far ahead...

The Birthday surprise...

Finally the carpentry skills were revealed

and inside the box.... my very own hand made dream catcher :)

I have been inspired over the past months by various photo blogs.... and at various times I am inspired enough to give it a go....

yesterday I had a wonderful photo.... I was right next to several birds on our feeders, I had the camera ready but just at the critical second... they flew....

no bird photos from yesterday....

then when I returned, our cat, who is losing weight and who is, either through hunger pangs or increased energy, hunting more lately, had brought a bird into the house to play with and there were feathers everywhere....

fortunately we were able to let the bird fly and hope it wasn't too shocked to survive...

so I then set myself the challenge of capturing one of the many feathers on camera.... it's not easy, but it is fun... and quite addictive :)