"All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle."

Marilyn Monroe

I have always loved this quote... love the idea of everyone finding a way to twinkle and shine wherever they are, in whatever colour they want...and even when they aren't twinkling brightly it's just because they aren't in the light right then...not that they can't or don't..

also, why is it when we struggle the most to shine, that in fact we shine the least...? Just thinking...
and when we relax and allow ourselves to just be, we shine so brightly.....

I am blessed to have some wonderful stars in my life, all radiating light and sparkle just by being themselves...
it's a popular day for friends birthdays today - five sparkling stars who are in my thoughts today.

I also have my own stars close to home - R junior who has been chosen to compete in an athletics competition tomorrow in Bournemouth (we will have to get up at 4.45 to be ready to leave in time!)....steps of independence and wonderful experiences already....

S has her puppet show too - not the toilet roll body puppets we made when I was at school but soft puppets - fully stringed, and dressed in the most amazing outfits...full of character and so realistic... in production for nearly a year now, and finally finished with all the scenery and scripts practised to perfection...I will see it tomorrow evening while R collects from the airport...


As we sat in the car next to each other a few days ago I noticed her eyes...borrowing my makeup and copying what I do....exactly how I do it... and the whole role model thing struck me...hard.
Now and again the responsibility, aswell as the absolute fun and the joy hits me... how influencial we can be.. without realising it.
It is in the little things that we notice the most at times. and once again I find myself hoping that my influence as a role model is sufficiently grounded and secure, and based on reality and important things to.....

well, that ultimately it IS sufficient...

sufficient to give them what they need
and that whilst some of what they each need is the same, it is also so very unique...
and there are some things they need from that other part of me, the part I married, and share with them, their Dad...

they need his qualities as a role model too, and I should stop trying to think I can and should have to fill both of these on my own - we all have our own unique gifts to bring, and together they add up, and, like us, they will gather what they need from all the stars in their own personal universes...

I am also thinking of the stars who have joined me from the world of blogging - when I read earlier that Shaz is finally cured after her gruelling journey of illness this past year, I was so happy... so truly delighted... what brilliant news...

and Dana, who I am going to finally meet later this week... along with Pip , stars who illuminate my world even more as their light spills over into mine...

and all those who are listed in my side bar..... when I come past your blog spaces they do just that...

I haven't been around much lately and apologise for that.. but you do all add light to my days... thank you, x

almost all to ourselves..

I hadn't wanted any fuss, any big thing... just quiet and peaceful.. and they listened and so we escaped to this piece of heaven on earth to celebrate and let another year tick by...

It was perfect...
whole beaches just for us, and untouched sand, just like newly fallen snow - a shame to ruin it but fantastic fun to play on and mess up knowing the sea would come back in and make it clean and fresh again


we played frisbee and S did cartwheels all over the beach - we laughed and played - such freedom.... we played until there was no more light left to play in....
and so we had to go home...


and we had to have our photos taken on this rock before we did.... :)


We did lots of fun things - scrambled from one bay to another - which was brilliant and I did enjoy it, although I had insisted that I didn't need shoes on - I never did as a child when we went scrambling....
It was fine - but those rocks were sharper than I had bargained for!
It did however preserve my nail varnish which R chose to comment on as we were half way round... (so incredibly helpful!) :)

We also played tennis - in a fashion.... as a family which showed us that some of the family are gifted with ball skills and others of us are not... I struggled all through school with it and had to practice very hard to be acceptable... poor S is following in my footsteps.. although we did make sure we looked the part on court and kept smiling... ;)
As soon as that was over we could go shopping though and S is considerably better at that!

We also found this lovely caterpillar - I can't remember what he grows up to be - a moth or a butterfly... but we took Jeffrey with us on our walk for a while and he shared in our adventures for part of the day until we returned him to his home...


Couldn't think of a better way to have spent my birthday....

It's taken a while to settle back into life on planet earth...

I'm getting there slowly...

Hi I'm fine thank you... sorry for not being around much - I do plan on catching up ...
I escaped to an island - was abducted by my husband and children for my birthday - it was truly wonderful...
felt loved and cared for, loved being free and absorbing nature around me...
made sense of a few things, and saw others in a new light....
cried tears of love for those who aren't here to share any more and for those who I have reconnected with outwardly as a result....
Have been caught up since I returned, thoughts to digest and not focused on my blogging at all....
tonight was the first time I had felt I wanted to... and then I couldn't.. until now!
I will be visiting, I will be commenting.. I am and have been thinking...
and I will update here - thank you for your comments... I have just been busy unravelling thoughts.. x

Information...

More blood tests today - still on the trail to find the cause of my swollen joints.

In the process they have uncovered a piece of information which, had we known, could possibly have changed our world drastically as we struggled with recurrent miscarriages before we had R.

So although it changes nothing now, and we are very blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children, my brain refuses to let go of it until I have chewed it into oblivion, and processed it from every angle possible, relived the past, even though I don't really want to, and come back to living in the present, in the here and now...
really it changes nothing, but it possibly explains a lot, a lot more than just the miscarriages too... and that is good, I think...

Information is a strange thing - once you have it, you have little choice, even if you don't want to, you have to find something to do with it... somewhere for it to sit comfortably.

For now this bit is sitting uncomfortably shifting from side to side, not quite settled yet...

and so the focus on the here and now...

A beautiful, moody, illuminating, early evening sky

The wonder that is e cycle brought with it a real blast from the past straight into my kitchen!
R went out to pick up some big frames for art work that were being given away, and returned with these framed posters.... I'm not sure I can let him take the Lee jeans advert guy, or Patrick out of their frames... it would seem such a shame...
my posters were always stuck on the wall with blu-tack... but this girl obviously knew how to take care of her heroes...
And Roxette... I'd almost forgotten them and "it must have been love" and "joyride"!


I also spent an evening in a classroom with one of my old class mates from school days...
bizarre how, after years of not seeing each other, we can end up in class again...
and I was consciously aware of perceptions and how different I am now to then... and wondering what thoughts were going through her head...
how when I left here to go to college I chose to leave behind the person I was back then, and although I know she is still there, the old me, I don't want to go back to her.... yet that was the last time I spent any time with this old class mate...
It was interesting to reflect on afterwards... how we can leave our childhood labels behind... more or less for good, whilst not forgetting the lessons they have taught us.



The hair!! Who can forget...!

Spring?

I hope so...

Fragile defences

S is downstairs singing away to herself, happy and content.
She has just come back from a sleep over at a friend, the first time she has slept over at this particular house...

Lately it has struck me that the really important things in life are also the most fragile and easily broken... trust, love, friendship, self belief, confidence, faith, hope....all the things that protect us, none of them can just exist without being constantly worked at and renewed, fed in some way. Left without being nurtured they will slide all on their own. As much as we like to think we have built strong defences, in fact they are easily shattered and one small dent can spread rapidly until it collapses in a heap. It can take quite some rebuilding too... slowly and painstakingly, piece by piece....
And because often the cracks appear first in one small corner and spread from there we don't always see them until the damage is quite advanced... our focus isn't always where it needs to have been...

That when our focus is on us coping with changes and losses around us, and we are finding it hard, it is easy to be blind to the effect of the situation on our children or others around us for that matter....
It is easy to misread wanting to stay close to home and extra hugs and loves as just feeling more loving for some reason... increased emotions as tiredness or hormones... easy to just accept the security and reassurance we all want from being together.
it's harder to identify the gradual erosion of self confidence and low level constant worrying that builds and grows and is rarely verbalised for various reasons...

until there is a moment of sudden realisation... when it dawns all too clearly that the cracks of insecurity and lack of confidence have started to spread, and we need to concentrate on rebuilding it...
hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course we should have, could have predicted and therefore prevented a dip in confidence....

thing is it's far more fragile than I ever really thought...and can never be taken for granted...
which makes me think that actually all of these are far more fragile than I give them credit for...

and that is why after a lot of talking and preparation and a little persuasion S slept out at this friend last night

and why it is so truly wonderful to hear her singing to herself now...

Little things

If it's the little things in life that make all the difference then there is nothing wrong with a little superficiality now and again...

Recently I have been feeling pulled in all directions from various people, and having energy leached out of me without even being asked.. so today I shut the world out, apart from the world I wanted.

I took time getting ready, instead of throwing clothes on in a rush. I went on my own to vote... it was peaceful and quiet... I breezed into work for a meeting and came home... and then at 4.15 I was at the gym, which just so happened to coincide with a team of fit firemen working out and a guy with tanned legs who can skip for ever....

Very shallow I know, but the minutes did tick by all the quicker for it...

(four figures in this photo)

First impressions of our Anthony Gormley sculptures, on a cold, grey day.
Whispers on the horizon - that was what they were intended to be apparently.
Without going into any indepth analysis of why ~
I do like them.

I think they suit the greyness of the castle, and the mist too, and I wonder how they will suit sunshine and blue skies in the summer ~ if they will change in their character somehow.

Just thinking...

Some days it feels as if I'm really living life, other days I'm being dragged along for the ride, other days I'm watching everyone else playing and I'm sat taking mental notes...
I'm not sure what the balance of these days is supposed to be, some days it feels as if I have a choice and other days I definitely know that I'm not the one steering the ship.

I guess people like songs about survival because life is so tough for so many.
We have to believe we will survive, because we have no choice...and the truth is we do survive whatever is thrown our way... generally...

That's good... and I need to be reminded of that often... because from where I am standing - or sitting, watching, and making my mental notes, life seems fairly rubbish for a whole heap of people, for a lot of the time...and at times it is for me too.

I have always been amazed at the things people have survived, the stories they tell about what they have been through, and come out of the other end.... they are incredible.

I have been privileged to be with families when their worlds have turned upside down in an instant, and travelled along side them for some of the journey... then seen them several years later, inevitably scarred from it, but having survived and adjusted to how life is now...
I don't know HOW they do it, but I know they do.

I know that often people don't remember specific words that have been used, but they do remember feelings and emotions, and they remember who was there for them and who wasn't....

Every person is a story of survival... we all have stories, living them now...

I don't know why that should be surprising, it's not really... we're all more resilient than we think we are... and I like that.

We can spend all our lives trying to make sense of things and still never work them out I suppose... but somehow in the process of trying, we find our key to survival, our means of coping with stuff that otherwise seems too hard to deal with.

Living, really living, surviving, and just existing...
perhaps we need to experience all of those to say we have lived fully.

Faith renewed :)

Several weeks ago my lovely camera, only six months old, was sent off to N*kon to be repaired after the battery cover split in two as I went to put the battery on charge.

now this isn't covered under guarantee as it is not a functioning part, but since I have been extremely possessive over it and kept it nicely in it's case I was a little put out that it should break like that on me without any reason...and so when the shop told me I was going to have to pay an extortionate amount of money to have it repaired, I felt it was worth writing to the manufacturer to see if they would listen to me ~ unlikely I thought, but tell the truth and see where it gets you.

I took it in to the shop so they could post the letter as requested.... the manager was quite disappointed when I said it wasn't a stroppy letter, it was just saying what had happened and telling it like it was.

He said he liked reading stroppy letters... but I couldn't see that that would get me anywhere fast....
There were lots of feelings I hadn't expected with the loss of my camera ~ it fits in it's case in my handbag, goes everywhere with me, had even replaced makeup - something had to go until I bought a new bag!
It was neat and useful and I liked it... so an enforced period without it has been hard - I was told it would take 6-8 weeks because it has to clear customs...that is after it is mended!

Anyhow, in with the post this weekend came a letter from them saying they have agreed to repair it asap, and get it back to me....free of charge... :)

Soon I will have it back, soon I can record memories again, soon there will be photos on my blog...not the best, but they are mine.

The people at N*kon listened, they read what I had said, and I hope, the feeling behind the words. I had never been in a stroppy mode, I was just sad...and disappointed.

I don't know how long it will be, but there is a faith renewed that even in big organisations there are people who will look at an individual situation and treat it as such.
That in itself is reassuring in a world where people are so reluctant to deviate from set rules and look at each scenario on it's own merits....

Now I just have to wait for it to get through customs on it's way home...
I also now have a lovely new bag that will fit both camera and make up in... and book, and diary, and money... and any other essential item a girl needs !

Sculpture and important things..

An interesting talk and presentation by this guy this evening.
Tomorrow, all being well, we will be graced with some of his work around our castle.
There are questions I would love to ask him....didn't get a chance....would love to have time to sit and chat with him properly and not necessarily about dissecting what he has already done...

Afterwards there was a rare opportunity for R and me to have a quiet drink and catch up with each other... times to talk without interruptions of children or phones or family are important and infrequent. Life makes it all too easy to not communicate and to let things ride and not discuss things... long gone are the leisurely days when we only had work and each other and we didn't have to say it all in the odd ten minutes here and there...
There were a couple of important things that had been hanging around just lately... not ten minute ones....they still bother me, but it's good to have shared them...and to have R's take on things too.

We should go out more than we do...

Predominately Birthdays..

It's turned midnight so now it has to be a belated birthday to Kal at Trauma Queen... as a birthday present he said he would love it if people wandered his way, and it seems a simple enough request from a paramedic in training who keeps life real, which I love, and as it is from his perspective on the streets of Edinburgh...

Life in the RD family continues as usual...
R, aka popeye is doing well so far, even minus a parrot...
and talking of Birthdays, the search is on for a present for a good friend's 40th... it would seem I rarely scour the shops for more than the essentials and so really should have started looking sooner...
a lack of inspiration is frustrating to say the least...
I knew I should have looked in England but that time was precious for me and S...
I do hate it when I get caught up in material things... but thats the way it is... will search tomorrow - her Birthday is Friday!!

Birthdays seem to predominate in May (and December) so I need to get myself in gear for parties and fun...

In addition to requiring a patience store, I could also do with an inspiration one and a few extra hours sleep one too...
I would also quite like a fat removal and age reduction store, a pms relief store and.... I guess my list continues...

But if pushed, I suppose I'd settle for the first three :)

It's been a long long day. Up at 5.30 am, children delivered to grandparents and then in hospital at just gone 7am. Two newspapers, eight election manifestos, one magazine and several chapters of a book later at lunchtime, I finally get to the canteen for a coffee while R is in theatre.

We arrive home with instructions, drops and eye patch, several hours later, exhausted...

The children, emotional... relieved but emotional.

Their Dad, their hero, always and forever their hero...

The one with bigger and better stories, more adventures than they can imagine, the biggest kid on the block...the invincible... suddenly out of action, disarmed and vulnerable.

So enters our unsung hero, the bear, quietly creating unseen mischief in our absence.

Frequently found out on tops of cupboards and sliding down curtains. He misbehaves terribly at dentists, pinching stickers and sitting on lights, making comments at inconsiderate people and always taking our side... regardless...

the lovable scallywag who never fails to deliver love and loyalty.

He's been rummaging in the bathroom, and spotting us driving in, and spying R's patch, doesn't want to be left out...

By the time we arrive in, he is complete with patch and tucked up in S's bed.... feigning empathy I wonder...?

He does however stem S's tears of love and relief and brings a smile and laughter back to the house. He talks and answers back, and sometimes just listens...

often he says silly stupid things and has to be corrected...

he can say all the things that are too hard to say...

Most of the time I shake my head in disbelief at 'duck' the bear... (his name is another story)

other times I am exceedingly grateful...

worryingly I am almost convinced he has a personality...

But you couldn't wish for a wiser, more helpful, outrageously wicked, and naughty, compassionate little guy in the world...

He is tucked up sleeping and so are the rest of this family...

imaginations quietened and settled by a soft bear rescued from a funfair last summer...

perspective, socks and sandwiches...

Most days I pray that we will get through the day without any upset or altercation...
most days it doesn't happen...
I blame surging hormones as a catalyst.... almost totally....
which means most days I have to explain myself and why I feel, think and act as I do to irrational members of this family... rationalising various situations and trying to prevent them reoccurring..

cold bacon sandwiches and no washed white socks doesn't sound much...
but they almost ruined our day...
thats daft and stupid..
most arguments start out daft and escalate...

family life....

what worries me is that I have known grown men and women to get seriously hurt by matters that start out equally trivially...

and that bothers me,
that is serious,
and that is why this morning was spent talking about issues surrounding reactions to cold bacon sandwiches and dirty socks....!

perspective is a hard thing to grasp...
how we speak to others has a direct effect on how they respond back...
and so it may end up being the reaction, and not the subject matter, that is the real problem...

I think we all learned something from this strange morning...

and meanwhile, I pray again for tomorrow and what it might bring...

I think we finished the bacon though!

It's holiday time, and although it's nippy, the sun is out.

The perfect opportunity to cycle to the beach and eat chips on the sea wall...

Back home there are plenty of projects to work on and several half finished items need finishing.
In fact there is far more work than can easily be fitted into the holidays, so we have to pick and choose ~ most are fun things to do, but I seem to have put off the less fun things for some time now.

However,

Its also a time to recharge and re energise - time to prioritise a sense of well being and nurture that all round...

the after effects of the adrenaline rush have left me happy and content to just read and sleep if left to my own devices...

for a change I'm reading girly summer fiction, that feel good medicine for brains, that is so overlooked, and yet so invauable in certain situations...

I don't want to think too hard, I want to be drawn into a fantasy world where I don't have to think, I just have to be led ~ into romance and intruige, desire and longing... well, thats what you get in these books ~ hey and it's good!!!

And even though I was in work this morning for a few hours, somehow it didn't seem to matter as much - we're on holiday... :)

Lads indeed mmp! And under there, I guess it is a boy thing!!

No bones broken but one brand new bike seriously damaged - three days after we bought it...
As I search for ways of protecting my son I know I have to let go too...

I didn't shout or get cross... his face and demeanor said it all.... and so we came away from the shop with some sound advice from a well respected island cyclist on jumping and speed downhill racing!!!!! Oh and some good knee/shin and elbow protection that is up to the job...I may well need a local reliable valium supplier before too long instead of just the offlicence!

No, as the guy said, you can't wrap them up in cotton wool for ever, they do have to go, but I don't seem to see anyone else outwardly struggling with it...

When he was smaller I thought it was going to last forever ~

him deing dependent and needing me, wanting me...looking to me for help and advice and guidance..
now I think it's only the love that lasts forever.

Is this the eternal struggle being a parent? The letting go....? I know I've said it before.. and will do again!
Watching them grow and become....amazing people, even if they seem to have no sense at all....

who else would consider swimming in the sea on a day when we had the hardest frost of the year so far...?

But then again, we did have the first barbeque of the year... wrapped in fleeces but it was wonderful...

Gotta love the madness that lads bring to a home...

yes, they rock in ways only lads can...!

I wouldn't change it, but I do want to keep hold of each moment for ever...

Wonderful craziness...

It's a beautiful if crazy world... Impossible to fathom ~
full of contradictions, and, when you least expect it, people who make suggestions and see possibilities as opposed to obstacles...
who disregard any problems with solutions.

It does feel good, when someone offers a glimmer of hope, of light and possibility.... makes me shake my head in disbelief and amazement.

Perhaps it's only as I get older I wonder more about how life pans out, and although trust is hard to come by, I know I should believe in it more than I do.
even if we only give each other a glimmer of hope, it can lift us enough to see for ourselves, that which perhaps has only been previously visible to others...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And talking of crazy ~ the scene that met me when I returned from the gym - my first trip since my painful and swollen joints stopped me ~

my son and friend taking absolutely no notice of the dark!

what exactly can be dangerous about riding bikes through/over obstacles in the pitch black??????

No wonder I sent out for more wine...!!

It snowed today :) for all of ten minutes we got excited and ran out to play...

then the sun came out and that was it... excitement of the year all gone....

those white bits are snow... honest they are...

I then spent the rest of the day working out how to transfer photos from my phone to the computer once I realised I couldn't transfer them to the mac...! how disappointing is that...? Eventually it worked... even if the photo itself isn't great... I can work on that - perhaps by the end of the contract I'll actually decide I like this phone.. for now I'm merely trying to understand it's basic functions as the instructions are sparce...

snow here is exceedingly rare... it makes it all the more memorable.
I remember building a snowman when I was small ~ we have photos, the most amazing party when we all had to sleep over when I was 17... it was good - and is still talked about today..., and R sinking in snow when he was only just crawling the first winter we were back here...

it would be so lovely if it snowed and settled overnight... enough for snowballs and snowmen and sledging...

considering people I know are stuck in London and can't get home tonight, that might not be such a daft thought...

Sun and rain

A part of me feels like apologising for the previous post.
Rainbow dreaming should be colourful and fun, but it can't be sunny all the time... and I guess thats what makes rainbows.

Two things have struck me, or I have been reminded of in the past day.

I have never had as much support for anything, ever, as I had for this ~ everyone was behind me encouraging and said how great it would be for me, how I was made for it, or was it made for me?
I was selective who I told until nearer the date, but I would have fitted in exactly - and that was obvious to many ~ a hand and glove kind of thing.
So, with lots of people rooting for me, and especially when it all went so well yesterday morning, there were lots of people to tell when it didn't work out.
Lots of people genuinely disappointed for me, and caring.

However, there is always one.... one who knows best... who is going to try and tell you what you should do, one who instead of just being there and showing empathy, has to feel free to offer unasked for advice, helpful (or unhelpful) suggestions, one who won't listen, won't let you just be....
RD felt like being, and very nearly was, exceedingly rude to said person...!!

The last thing anyone ever needs is advice unless it has been asked for... fortunately it was on the phone, and you can't see nonverbal communication down telephone lines, thank goodness.... ;)
I know it is tempting, I am sure it helped this person feel better about me not getting it...but it didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel worse, even though I am sure it was well intentioned.

The second was that R jnr slept out last night so he wasn't here when the call came in from HR.
I didn't get to see him until after football this afternoon. But when I did, he gave me the biggest, bestest hug in the whole wide world.... he cried a little and he hugged me so tightly - his strong arms holding me in shared disappointment as I reassured him it was all ok.
He is as tall as me - or at least he is with his football boots on - he has grown into a wonderful nearly teenager who feels and cares and shows it. We are learning how to channel those emotions and feelings as hormones and puberty kick in - it is a challenge and he drives me demented half the time, but it is amazing, it is miraculous, and I know I am both blessed and lucky to have a family like this.

With arms wrapped tightly round me it is easier to believe that whatever will be will be... and that we need both the sun and the rain if we are to see the beautiful rainbow colours of life...

Our best shot...

My best shot...
All the hard work, all the anticipation... the interview came and went, it's done.
I gave my best and there is a satisfaction in that. I won't know if it was good enough until hopefully later on today.
I do care, but we can only ever do what we can...
the rest isn't up to me..
This could be a real change in direction, or I could still be on the same path...
will wait and see now,
It's also the start of the holiday for the children here so we're off to have some fun..
Hope friday is good to all of you too, x

and so it happens sometimes...

I didn't get it....
and so I will walk this road for a bit longer...
they had my best, and it was good... I am reassured by that,
but it wasn't meant to be.

We move on..

Blessings of blogging...

Silently, one by one,

in the infinite meadows of heaven,

Blossomed the lovely stars,

the forget-me-nots of angels.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

You just never know where and when you might meet a new friend, when instead of merely brushing close to someone, your paths cross over and somehow interlink. When a passing encounter will turn into a closer friendship... A comment or a smile, eyes meeting, coincidences (although I'm not sure there ever are such things) take you on a new path together, a stranger beomes a companion on our journey.

Friends are true blessings, especially when we might not be blessed with a great deal of family.

It was sheer curiosity that started me blogging. A strange word - and world - I had to find out about...what would drive someone to blog... what was it all about?

But the blogging natives seemed friendly enough...and if you left a comment they might reply... and what is more it seemed you really could get an idea of what someone was like from their blog over a period of time...

Paths crossed and some connections were made.

Regular reading and comments back and forth, and then e mails mean you get to know some part of someone and it's a strange thing but friendships develop.

I have come across some really lovely people since I started this almost experimental pastime and was completely taken aback and lost for words when I went to claim a parcel that I missed being delivered and found it was all the way from America, from Jayne at Journey through grace.

Jayne loves her birds and I have been inspired by her to take more notice of our feathered friends that visit our feeders. I have a beautiful new mug and plate and am also amazed they travelled so l in the mail.

I have been enjoying my many cups of tea in it whilst trying to focus on my portfolio - it is gorgeous , thank you, x

Until now there are only a handful of people I know in real life who know I blog - and it's something I want to keep just for me... (various reasons...)

next month I am travelling over to meet up with Dana in London when she visits.

I'm not sure what I am going to say, how I am going to explain the connection to my parents as to why I am going to London to meet someone I met on the internet... I am so careful with my children and the net...I know the hazards that are out there... I can hear my parents now if I were to tell them the truth...but this is different...these people are lovely, nice people.

It's just how does one explain?

losing time

We're back home.
It was special precious unchartered time ~ to explore, talk, order room service, swim, get dressed up, go out, share pizza and garlic bread, watch tv late, read, write, have long bubble baths, and just hang out together... and still fit in some shopping while we were there.


oh and lose an hour...

we forgot/didn't know the clocks had changed and noone even thought to text us to say....
so we were an hour late all day yesterday and missed the cinema, but hopefully there will be another time, it's just not booked yet! ;)

I seem to be losing time all the time....

I was up late last night because it didn't feel late, and I have a lot of tedious but necessary writing and paper work to do...and the distraction of the internet is all too attractive....

Then I had arranged to meet up with a friend for coffee this morning - we haven't met up for ages, but 4 1/2 hours later we were still chatting and there were things we hadn't caught up with...
I don't know how it happens but time just passed. If we hadn't had children to collect and after school things to arrange I imagine we'd still be nattering away together now.... valuable time we've been promising ourselves for months now.

I know this makes me later still on lots of fronts... and there is a dead line to meet by friday morning.
At some point paper work will have to take priority over people and friends; I also need to shop - the cupboards are bare and the fridge almost empty apart from a bottle of wine and some milk... I was only away for a weekend!!

It's great to be home....lovely to have been away, now I need to shut myself away with the computer and no internet for a few days.
That is exceedingly unlikely to happen - I'll squeeze it in around other things I suppose and we'll muddle through as usual...

I really do quite like being disturbed when I'm working....
shame it's time to steal myself and focus on the road ahead for now...

It was a great weekend... :)

Sunny moments from today.

The sun came out today and made everything brighter.
The sea is a mixture of dark blue and spearmint green... freezing cold but gorgeous to look at.
I stopped outside a building in town where I had a bill to pay, the birds were singing, they sounded happy... I've never heard a bird sound sad..
we have green fields even in town... I like that..
and then on the way home I stopped to watch rabbits playing in a field with a horse in it too.

I smiled and chatted with a complete stranger in the motor tax office... it felt good...it is so slow in there! He was late back to work.. they are soo slow. ( I even went into labour with S in there and they never moved any faster...!)
Today I wasn't on a tight schedule and just talking made such a difference to waiting. He left, we don't even know each others names... it's good when people are sociable and friendly,(especially cute strangers), it lifts an ordinary day into something special...

There is so much that is wrong with life, with the world....
sometimes it's good just to enjoy and be reminded of what is right with it.

and then after school, and I'm not sure how, the teachers won in the staff vs yr 11 students annual football match :-)

Oh and I want my camera back....soon...I miss not having it.

Imagination and reality...

The other evening I watched, and was with my daughter, as she comforted a friend who was struggling after a crisis while her imagination ran riot with the unknown.

Imagination can be a wonderful thing, creative and productive, driving us forwards, a vision of what there is to be, full of possibility and promise ~ that's all on the plus side...

but when it is busy being creative filling in the missing parts of a picture that isn't even yet developed it is quite another scenario.

We know that most of the time our imaginings are worse than the reality... yet without knowing what that reality is, we can't start to cope with whatever it is... our imaginations simply keep on going...
And because noone can foretell the future, noone can help us... which makes it sometimes feel like the blind leading the blind.

It's amazing how far even a little information can go to quietening an overactive, tormented mind, almost however hard the reality of that information might seem. Knowing is easier than not knowing.


I was proud of S the other evening, her empathy was enormous...all encompassing and full of love for her friend, calming and reassuring.



And now, while reality continues to unfold for her friend, our reality is anticipation and imagining our first ever trip away for just the two of us...

a girls trip in celebration of her exam results, but also

just because,

because, it seemed a good idea.....


and because we can.... :)

just my girl and me...

together this weekend...

I can hardly wait.

New visitors

Visitors are always welcome.
I like visitors
I love that S's friends can call at any time and feel safe enough to ask if they can come round and be with us.
Thats what I want our house, our home to be, not solely for us, a place for friends and new friends alike, to feel comfortable and welcome.

I love it when I have a new visitor to my blog too...

Last week under there popped by for the first time and I'm thoroughly enjoying his stories and insights into his life directing a homeless shelter. Thank you for coming by and commenting. His blog is worth a look if you haven't as yet.

We also have a new couple visiting our house. I am not sure if they are planning on staying, or if they are merely in transit elsewhere. Perhaps they are still sussing out the facilities....

Reality

So, we're frail imperfect humans.

We may be beautiful imperfection as Pip says,
we all fail, and others fail us,
and so often our best efforts just don't seem enough....
we stumble and fumble our way through life making do.
we start each day anew,
each day brings with it it's own challenges...
and some days worlds fall apart...

On days when we mess up,
when others fail us too,
and when we need someone to lean on, to help out, to share with,
apart from God or whoever we perceive is there for us,
we really do only have each other...

sometimes we are all someone else has right there, right then,
imperfect, inadequate, but there...

feeling flawed and feeble, but it's the best we can do,
and all we can offer... ourselves


However,
we do have each other,
we have to be enough, and
together, we are enough,


I guess thats what's called
being friends...

Thoughts...

Recent quotes from the children ~ "I don't want to grow up", "I used to think growing up would be fun but now I think it's just scary...", "I worry about granny, I worry about her getting sick and dying..."

The supermarket seems to be the latest place for thoughts and feelings to come out, strangely, and quite specifically, in the alcohol section, although I'm not sure of it's relevance, apart from it is quieter and has a calmer feel to it than the rest of the shop...

I'm pleased my children feel they can say these things to me, feel safe that they can share them with me, sometimes it's not about answers, it is just about sharing and discussing, talking.


In other situations it's just about being kind... I wondered earlier in the week about whether in fact kindness and communication could be the two most important things in management of people... I'm sure those two go a long way together...


Lately I'm finding being patient exceedingly difficult... not just on the job front ~ but generally, and am being forced into waiting by circumstances beyond my control.
It's so hard giving up control and just waiting, putting things to one side and getting on with life whilst waiting to see how it turns out.
Surely we should be living and experiencing and accepting it as it unfolds, instead of waiting, anxiously or otherwise...

Oh and I'm trying not to become too tediously boring in the meantime!

For me keeping faith and trust in all things is an active process, needing constant renewal, and I think that if I were better at it I wouldn't have to try so hard.... in many areas, and then it might come naturally and spontaneously, like breathing, an inherent and integral part of who I am...

Today is Good Friday and as always it makes me feel melancholy... and reflective.


I also wanted to link to a post I read earlier this morning....I need reminders like this to keep me real and focused on what is truly important...it doesn't matter who it is or where it is...turn on the news every day and there are stark reminders of untimely unecessary deaths and suffering...


and apologies for lack of photos for a while - my lovely camera which travels with me everywhere broke yesterday - the battery cover snapped, and is being sent back to be mended but will take at least 6-8 weeks I'm told!


Today is about quiet family time... it feels good just to be off work together and pottering ~ time well spent :)

Quiet...

Sometimes there is nothing to say,
sometimes that is comfortable, other times it's awkward,
often depending on who you're with...
sometimes words get in the way of just being.

Today has been a quiet kind of day with not many words.
I'm tired with a slightly sore throat, so it's easier to be quiet,
church is a good place to be when I'm feeling like this...
like mentally unravelling a ball of wool...

There are at least two challenges awaiting me this week - on Monday and Tuesday.

It's calming,
listening to the wind and the rain,
sorting, tidying, throwing out, getting ready both for the week ahead and to write ~
I have to be in the right frame of mind...

am lucky my family let me be, accept my quiet moments when I am digging deep to find a certain elusive something...

Doesn't mean I won't be visiting and reading though.

Wishing anyone who passes by here a peaceful week, x

Making decisions....

Time is precious and life is short...
How we spend our time and who we spend it with is important...
when someone chooses to spend time with me it is a gift... and likewise when I choose to spend time with someone it is a gift from me...

We all have levels of tolerance, a mark we will let someone get to before we take action...
sometimes we will have communicated this several times, they take notice for a while and then it slips back and they proceed towards it again, trying, it seems, to stretch our limits, our boundaries, our compassion and our forgiveness, our good will and our allowance making, as far as they can possibly be stretched. Never learning from their previous experience... or choosing to ignore it..
So how many times do we let someone push our boundaries before we say 'no more'... and walk away?
When talk seems futile and action is the only option left...
decisive, thought out action, not impulsive spur of the moment, hurt induced and emotive reaction...

I am thinking that this only happens when there are certain expectations...
unconditional relationships are different... there are no expectations...only hopes maybe, but we don't walk away, can't walk away from those....



Two days in a row now I have wanted to pick up my bag and leave work...
I'm not particularly upset as such, I know there is no point in getting really mad, no point in shouting, and in fact there is no point in confronting it...

How we treat people is important...
we need to be able to ask questions in order to grow and develop, and to have those questions listened to and helped to find the answers, we need to value each other, instead of condemning someone because they have less years experience or make us feel insecure because they somehow highlight failings we recognise in ourselves.

I can see what is happening, watching as if on a tv screen...it's predictable, the outcome already written, even if it involves a degree of risk - nothing is certain and I could end up floundering yet again... but for now it has to be acted out...

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled... we have to be true to ourselves...

Some books just ask to be picked up time and time again, dipped into and savoured.
Michael Leunig books do that to me... originally introduced to our family via my sister in law who lives in Melbourne...
So when I spied one sitting on the table as I visited my Mum earlier today I couldn't resist... however, she wasn't about to let it find it's way home with me, and I have had to order my own - our copies of his books have been absorbed into the fabric of the school's Art department -

prayers I liked today...

Prayer for Friends

We give thanks for our friends.
We anger each other.
We fail each other.
We share this sad earth, this tender life, this precious time.
Such richness.
Such wildness.
Together we are blown about.
Together we are dragged along.
All this delight.
All this suffering
All this forgiving life.
We hold it together.
Amen

Michael Leunig

and also....

Prayer of Gratitude

We rejoice and give thanks for earthworms, bees, ladybirds and broody hens;
for humans tending their gardens, talking to animals, cleaning their homes and singing to themselves;
or the rising of the sap, the fragrance of growth, the invention of the wheelbarrow and the existence of the teapot we give thanks.
We celebrate and give thanks.

so many wonderful gems... prayers and magic...

anyone for a cuppa as we get blown about and dragged along?

all the little big moments...

Today I worked, work was good, spent time with people who are relying on those who work in the hospital to help them... in the mix of the day ~ tenderness, tears, sadness, fear, anxiety, no doubt a lot of prayers along the way... gratitude, though I'm not entirely sure why, humans just caring for other humans, hospitals can be daunting scary places...
often I am scared by the lack of information people have been given - they ask me why I need to take blood, why they would need needles jabbed in them every day... I wonder why noone has thought to explain in terms they understand. None of this is normal, it's not something anyone would do for pleasure, and it's invasive....


I have a bug bear about communication, especially in hospital... we should never become complacent about the things we do every day... ever...


and the difference when someone has an explanation? It stops being a problem... nothing fancy, just logical reasoning...

people aren't always that complicated... though we like to think we are.

so much aggression can be turned around through understanding and information and communication...


So work was good, a friendly team today...

then onto phone calls and shopping, collecting S from school and then to dancing - all with plenty of time in hand so not getting stressed by it... a new friend at dancing - connected by things in the past.. it's good - validating for me, and makes me think long after we have left to come home... there are many different ways to say thank you and this is one of the very best... friendship...


R had tea ready when we got home, so we can have family time, night classes have finished so there is no mad rush...


even whatever there is on tv will be fine...


There is a whole heap of paperwork to do, but with a nice glass of red wine we'll work through it...


There is something special about days like today... they don't come along very often. Calm, collected, rewarding, useful, where the lessons learned haven't been too painful. Not everything has been fitted in but there is a perspective that it all can fit in... a reassurance from the universe that for all the mess and emotional upheavals in all of our lives, somehow it will all be ok...
sometimes i imagine the universe speaks...


even amidst the storms outside...

Todays project... a community mosaic made with help from children and adults passing through the market earlier.
We very nearly finished it - just the final tweaking and filling in to do - my tile cutting technique needs working on!

Again I loved the buzz of people getting involved and working together, all kinds of people wanting to join in. Some stayed for most of the day, others came and went, some looked and didn't want to contribute, others wanted to ask questions, but few walked by and didn't look or take notice. Those who stayed chatted as they worked, laughed and had fun, and somehow it was more than just the piece of work, more than just an activity...more than the sum of all it's parts... it has a value all of it's own, and the process was of huge value too....

There were other fair-trade stalls around, I'm not best at selling or persuading, I'm happier doing... and trust the rest will follow if it's meant to.

This was fun... and when this is done, we have - or perhaps more scarily, R has, more ideas...
scarily, because I can never let his ideas pass me by... my partner in crime!

Art in any form draws people to it ~ there was music, some of it fantastic, an atmosphere, people, music, art, activity.

In short, it was a good day...

I never fail to be amazed at the twists and turns that expose themselves as we travel through life...

I'm thinking it's good to be surprised, astounded even, at times...

even, and perhaps more so by those we think we know the best...

A telephone call tonight brought some surprise news - good, but totally surprising - for me anyhow... can't share as yet, I was asked not to, but might come out later on...

no such thing as coincidence or even luck perhaps, but forces are at work that we can't see or touch, but we can feel... we all journey along our own paths, thinking our own thoughts, making decisions and developing ideas, and noone can ever really know whats going on inside anothers head or heart.

So sometimes things can appear to change drastically without us ever realising they were lying dormant, quietly germinating before making themselves apparent...

Am thinking a lot about belief and faith causing a change in behaviour ~ it should, I hope it does....

Just in the same way I have had conversations recently about study only being worthwhile (for me that is), if it feeds practice....

but then no experience is ever wasted - it all brings some value..

truth is it's all one big mystery... and it never fails to surprise...

tonight I'm surprised and clocking some mixed emotions and feelings... just when you think nothing can possibly change, something does....

it truly is a wonder filled life at times...

sorry if this is cryptic... but yes, it's good.... for them it is anyhow.... :)

Busy...

I wish I had time to find the words.. life is busy at the moment - it's nearly 2am and I am copying my completed form and all the relevant paperwork... everyone I have shared this with says it would be brillinat for me.. I think it too, but if it's meant to be it will...



Illness continues to hound us - winter bugs have meant I have been housebound today looking after the birthday boy...

My arthritis reaction has calmed but still needing regular painkillers and anti-inflammatories to keep my hands functioning - still no rings or watches... but am reassured it will sort in time.



I want to get out, want to be doing, I have so much I want to do, need to be getting done, but as usual it's late and I was only blogging until the copying was finished...

we took photos the other day at R's party... just haven't got around to transferring them to the computer - they were karting and had a fantastic time... I just love the boys sense of humour and their zest for life - it was adrenaline rush fun for them in the karts, slight anxiety filled trusting moments for me watching... I was glad of two strong men to shelter behind and keep me safe... not that they could do anything - but it was reassuring anyhow!

It's another early start - hopefully R can return to school tomorrow and I can go to work... before that, sleep...

12.20 am

12.20 am, missing 29 Feb by 20 mins twelve years ago... and at the very last minute, as seems to be standard practice for this family more often than not, R junior arrived...quickly and with relatively little hassle.

In the morning we juggle his birthday with S's entrance exam to senior school, but come midday we should be ready to celebrate.
It has all gone by so incredibly quickly...
I used to be irritated by people who said that, but now I hate to admit they were right - it is true...
savouring the moments has become very important to me...

my gifts from the universe that stretch me beyond all my imagination and give me more than I could dream of...

and of course I haven't got a day older since I had him... stuck forever at 20 something.....
or perhaps someone elses birthday took precedence over mine from then on and it suddenly became irrelevant...

now to grab some sleep before we are woken by excited / nervous children...

Half naked possibilities...

I want...

Or if it was one of the kids I might be telling them it's not "I want", it's "I would like"

Perhaps that's the problem....

I would like all kinds of things... I could list all the things that I would actually quite like, that would be fun and I would enjoy...
the "I want" is the real inner desire, the driving force, the motivation...


sometimes I think we don't realise what we want until someone shows us what might be possible, reveals to us our own potential...
When someone else validates us and who we are then a whole new realm of possibility can open up... it's not even having someone else believe in you, it's just the seed of what could actually be...
if you decide thats what you want...
but until we know whats there, we can't dream it...

'I want' doesn't always get, but 'I want' might be the first step on a bridge to the next unknown...

sometimes a glimpse of what might be the bigger picture makes sense temporarily...


funny how much can happen in such a short time...

The phone rang shortly after I had got out of the shower this morning, and so although I was half dressed I answered it.... so often I thank god noone can see me while I'm on the phone....
it was someone replying to a message I left on their answer phone yesterday....

and, just like that, there are possibilities and potential ahead... feeding the 'I want' part of me, motivation, drive, desire...

it may not happen, but it might....it could, and it can...
and the more I think about it, the more I want...
things I hadn't considered...
because I hadn't really been aware...

half naked possibilities to explore.... ;)

Today has already become more interesting, more alive and more real...

and that's another reason to thank God too...

"Moon River, wider than a mile,

I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,

wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--

waiting 'round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me."

distracted, and dreaming....trying to write....

about me....

it really shouldn't be so hard.... we should know ourselves better than anyone...

I do,

I think...

and yet when it comes to selling myself, writing it down, I'm tripping up, all over the place...

sometimes the words flow, other times... it's back to boiling the kettle and another cup of tea...

a new song to listen to, another distraction, a fresh piece of paper... stop trying too hard...

yuk...

still the portfolio to go after this.... perhaps I'll save the rambling for that...!

it's no longer good enough to have worked and lived and learnt - it all has to be documented for posterity now too... living, learning, reflecting...

I'll be writing for EVER!

thankfully my hands are now improved enough to hold a pen :)

Not sure what they give, but it's unconditional...

or is it? Is it food dependent?
It could be love, or comfort, or just another living breathing being, being with us and sharing our space, not answering back...

Just pondering on the beautiful non-humans in our lives here...

I was reluctant on the rabbit and hamster front initially, but they are a part of the family now.... and they give something unconditional.... they are valuable, more so than I had given credit for....

do animals have the same complications in relationships and feelings as we do I wonder...?




hamster heaven, but these nuts (from my Dad's tree) are really too big for him... he can manage to get the smaller ones in his mouth though.... :) He is fun to watch, a distraction... and he never seems to sleep - perhaps he sleeps at night when we do...




when I find the kids with the rabbits snuggled into their necks I know they are soaking up the comfort and love and when they don't think I am watching I know they talk to them...
secrets that won't be told...
thats important...

thats one rabbit on each shoulder :)

and this old lady..... fiercely independent but loves to be loved when she chooses.... on laps or in front of the fire... or soaking up the sun on a winters day...
loves to scare S, ever since S was tiny, bramble likes to jump out at her when she's not expecting it.... I swear she has a wicked sense of humour!

And although she is never far away from the rabbits or the hamster, she obviously isn't much of a deterrent as far as mice go!

After a somewhat restless night I woke to discover both hands, wrists and elbows were swollen and painful.... in fact most joints are painful ~ most likely an after effect of a recent illness and rash....
so even dosed with the highest dose of anti inflammatory pain relief I have spent the day unable to even hold a pen properly. I ache and find myself frustrated by what I can't do...

I managed to remove my rings earlier with a fair struggle and can't tolerate a watch on...
Although I drove to the doctors this morning, I gave in and asked my parents to help collect children after school...

I managed to text and have managed short phone conversations...
I have managed to fill the kettle and make a drink, but none of it has been easy... truth is it's still not getting any easier...

My knees and ankles are sore too but they don't seem to be so bothersome...at least I can still get around...
it is frustrating...

even reading isn't easy... I hadn't realised just how dextrous you have to be just to turn a page...
and friday night on tv is hardly inspirational....
I had to cancel my night out too....though I am sure I could have found a way to hold a wine glass!! ;)

I feel well, sound well, just can't do what I want to...

am in need of tolerance and patience and hope it goes away as quickly as it arrived...

caffeine cravings...

Days can start out uneventful...

and then the routine search for vacuum bags can lead onto an adventure I'd rather not have had...

the cupboard half way up the stairs is connected to the eaves of the house and it is packed out with all kinds of spare boxes and bags, wrapping paper and crackers and all kinds of just 'stuff.'..

It is also where we have kept the boxes of coffee and tea sachets since we stopped running the chalets... an overflow where I was sure we also had a spare pack of vacuum bags...

which we did, under the rest of the boxes.... which is when I spotted what I thought might just be .....

mouse droppings....

So then came the task of emptying this tardis at which point I embarrasingly turned incredibly girly as I moved objects to hand to R junior to take to the kitchen for examination....( he goes back tomorrow and is feeling much better! )

There was a moment where I thought I had made a very silly mistake and that in fact it was just a broken coffee sachet....

closely followed by the realisation it was in fact a coffee loving mouse....

a fair-trade coffee loving mouse no less....

and from the evidence I would speculate it must have a very strong addiction...

not quite 'Ratatouille' and not quite the entertainment I had planned for the day!

now we have an empty cupboard and the problem of what to do next... plus I never got that vacuuming done!

disengaged....

Taking a step sideways today..

We are now back from hospital where R junior had seven teeth out this morning....
energy sapped, recovering, watching funny things on tv, soup and soft food...
fire lit and duvets in the living room...
neither of us totally switched on..
incredible how enormous teeth are when they are out... am relieved it's over, he is too...


There are some men and a lorry in the garden - we didn't ask them to come, weren't expecting them... they are over from next door to cut the top of the hedge between us... R was going to do it next weekend but seems they got in first...they have been joined by a second one now parked on the garden... I can't make out what they are doing but it appears they are having fun playing in our tree and on our swing ropes... guess some things are too tempting not to have a go :)

I'm lacking the energy to even go and ask...it's the assumption that they can just drive over our garden without asking that irritates, but it's dry and they seem to be enjoying themselves, so that's good...



It feels like a surreal kind of day...we were woken by the phone at 3 this morning... a new arrival to the family in Australia - a baby girl..., no details, just the news... we'll find out more later...

important happenings in our family each side of the world...

the rest of the world is busy outside, we're busy recovering, recouperating and doing very little other than nurturing each other...

soon we'll be ready to reconnect with the world and come out and play too.