Who says you're not here any more....

Who says you're not here any more....

I can't touch you, but I can still see you,
I can imagine you around
I remember things you said
I can see you at the dinner table, I can see your smile,
I can hear your laugh, and the stories you would tell,
I have your wisdom in my mind,
I can see and hear you laughing at yourself, telling tales.

I can replay so many moments
and if I'm quiet I can hear you even now when I need guidance

as we put back R's room after we redecorated it I saw your photo there
I wish you'd managed to meet him, your godson,
that never seemed fair,
right now we could do with you here.
I nicked the photo, ok borrowed it for now,
I need you with me,
you were good with things like this,
you knew what to say, how to be, how not to be...

and always always with a smile and a laugh, always ready to see the funny side...
and yet you are here,
sitting watching, keeping me safe, guiding me and reassuring,
those wise eyes looking out from the photo,
your voice reading at our wedding,
your handwritten notes written telling me of funny things,
and sandwiched inbetween, your faith, your belief in us,

I look and I listen and I feel
and still I wonder...

who says you're not here?



( and thank you so much for comments on the last two posts - I'm coming back soon to reply to them, am all back to front right now but will get back some form of order and decorum before too long I hope :) xx )

nee naw nee naw nee naw....

sometimes as part of our professional development we would get to go out with the paramedics and ambulance crews on the ambulances..
somehow there is something hugely exciting about speeding through familiar streets with the blue lights flashing and the sirens going...adrenaline pumping and anticipation, never being quite sure of what you were going to find, unlike the specific information we would receive from the crews calling though 'blue light' cases to A&E
at one point I considered re training as a paramedic but family kind of stops that - the shift patterns don't quite fit, but everything else about it sits so well with everything about me.. oh well. another life perhaps!!
anyhow, my new job lends itself to time out with the crews.. you have to experience what you are teaching - I firmly believe that regardless of the level you are teaching and so I spent a day last week out and about...

back to my roots, back to what it is all about,
to life and death
to people making choices
to the bones of living
to experience the reminder of that split second that can change a life forever

and to what I am good at.. to what comes naturally,
and to what I am trained in - highly trained...
to the me that always has been
a love affair with life and death that has never and will never end

because as soon as I am back there it is like I have never left any of it..

they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
and that was what I decided a while back, well as far as work goes anyhow!

but it never stops you from reconnecting and feeling that zest for life that comes with remembering that feeling...and transferring the energy into other things. We may not be able to relive the past but we can take forward something special from that.

Right now I guess I need something that is not going to stretch me too far... I can do without challenging for the moment - life is challenge enough. Which is why this is ideal... new challenges await later in the year - planned for and waiting. This is my time to pour all my energy into what counts right now... but it was still good to live my dream again for a bit...

how many people really do get to live their dream - even for a while..?
perhaps I am just too greedy!!
perhaps I'm just lucky...
I can't help feeling this is only a part of a bigger picture - but I havent a clue what that picture is.

For now I am grateful for what is and continues to be, albeit with a few hiccoughs ~ calm is a word that is thankfully lingering for now and my next trip on the ambulances looks set to be an evening shift which should be fun fun fun.... aswell as sobering and thought provoking and emotionally stretching and all the things I thrive on... maybe, that is!

hmmmm that was NOT what I was going to write tonight... how odd that is what came out!

consider this more of a personal diary entry than a blog!! x

Spot the difference?

Two approaches,
two people, sat next to one another,
both experienced
both talking about the same person..

one says
"he doesn't concentrate, he doesn't listen, he's always in his own world,
when he does listen he doesn't do it properly, he doesn't follow instructions,
and he doesn't read them, and then when he tries to follow them he makes a mess, he gets it wrong, he doesn't try,

he's easily distracted..."

a question ... "who distracts him?"
answer... "oh he 'll be distracted by everyone..."

"He says he really wants to try he wants to change and he has been making a huge effort lately, but it has only been two weeks...."

Well yes, maybe, he was ill and he did miss some work, but perhaps he did do better than before and so he probably is making an effort...But thats all you expect from a band 3 child..."


Similar conversation, second person..

"Oh yes.... lovely boy, got a bit lost around Christmas but is trying and improving, had a few hiccoughs, but we seem to be getting over them, and his organisation has improved. He never minds me reminding him of things though.
He can do some lovely work and is making progress. Seems to be settling down.

"So, he's not distracted by the others...?"

"Oh they can all be distracted, but I know where they all are, and if I need to I move some of them.
He's been in band two for a while but is moving towards the upper part of it and I can see he is really focused now and trying. He's lovely"


Perspective, attitudes, approaches, labels, what makes someone want to work for one and not the other? It's not as they say, rocket science, not really!

all things I am pondering today...

Calm

Constant emotional turmoil is tiring, exhausting, not just mentally, but physically, and when there is a let up sleep comes regardless....

I have always loved the body's capacity to heal and to take what it needs for itself when it needs it. It's a pretty clever bit of kit really. Apart from the fact mine is in overdrive on itself but everything has it's faults now and again!!

So I am now rested and calm has come home to roost again.
How delicious calm is...beautiful and wonderful and reassuring.
Calm that means that we have worked through whatever we had to at that moment, calm that reminds me of what it can be like, and that reassures me all can be well.

This moment is easy to live in, easy to absorb.

Living in the moments when life has been so hard is difficult, and I have pondered them lately ~ living and feeling so acutely and so deeply, and hurting and loving so painfully, and seeming to be so helpless and ineffectual.
How do we, can we, live fully in those moments too, knowing that in time they will pass? Knowing we will look back, and that every moment of living is precious and that in some way we should be appreciating them because we are not merely existing, and yet they are, or now I look back, have been, some of the hardest moments. Lower than I thought I could go, and far more scared.
The more we love, the more we have to lose I guess.

Do I really want to be wiser if it means experiencing pain and hurt? We don't always get a choice...so I guess it's best to just take what it offers in return regardless. I don't want to miss out on the good bits, on the adventure, and yet truly honestly have wished I didn't have to live through the rough bits at times.

I'm not 100% sure why or how, but calm is here, if even fleetingly, and now I'm soaking it up, digging the garden and planting veggies and salady stuff, appreciating it's prescence nurturing my soul. It feels good.

Inbetween we have revived the hamster who for some reason had become very dehydrated and was obviously very sick but is now a happy fluffball again, and a very wonderful friend brought me my belated Christmas present... I do love it when Christmas comes all year round! :)


Thank you too for your beautiful comments, there is a community here that is hard to explain or understand, it is appreciated, thank you,
xoxo

ps, Walker... I have not forgotten your request...but those beaches will have to wait for now! ;) x

Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans
(John Lennon)

Sorry, there are no words and no pictures...
I'm sure I'll be back but right now can't do it all...

every time I think I can breathe again something comes along to stop me.
This is not fun..
but equally there is always a way, and, if there is, then it will be found,

aurevoir for now,
till next time anyhow.

Be good, and, if you can't be good...

well

use your imaginations and have fun ;)

xx

4o days

40 days, 40 people, 40 experiences.
One glass box.

In the forty days running up to Easter forty artists and members of the public will spend a day each in a glass fronted exhibition space with nothing but water, Shakespeare and the Bible as sustenance.

Interesting...
you can watch live too on the web cam

and thanks to mmp, muddled market place on my sidebar, for the link :)

You can never hold back Spring

You can never hold back spring
You can be sure that I will never
Stop believing
The blushing rose will climb
Spring ahead or fall behind
Winter dreams the same dream
Every time

You can never hold back spring
Even though you've lost your way
The world keeps dreaming of spring

So close your eyes
Open you heart
To one who's dreaming of you
You can never hold back spring
Baby

Remember everything that spring
Can bring
You can never hold back spring
(Tom Waits)

It's a beautiful day outside and it made me think of this, just seemed apt today.

Our dreams keep us going, our beliefs, our desires, our search

The seasons promise so much.

New beginnings, hope and possibility.

There are new chapters yet to unfold, with old characters and new.

It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s wondrous, unpredictable, unknown, mystical and tantalizingly enticing, drawing us in. We glimpse unspoken promises, hints of the multicoloured journey ahead.

When new chapters start they offer all those things and more, however, as a new one starts another one comes to a close, but each cannot stand alone ~ they are interlinked and interdependent on each other, essential to the mystery.

My great grandmother used to say that the longest hour was only 60 minutes long. How true, and how we feel every one of those minutes, especially when the hours stretch into days and the chapter seems never ending. Other chapters race by and are gone.

I’m wondering what these chapters ahead are going to hold, where they will lead. Will they drag or will I find myself on a magical mystery tour. And what of those around me ~ how wonderful it is to peek over someone’s shoulder and see where their story is taking them and to let them into my story too.

the world does indeed dream of spring, you can never hold back spring - our eternal visual hope, whatever lies ahead.

And even when we think we are lost, perhaps we're not.

In time

Given work and energy, time and space, everything settles..
in time :)





Thanks for your comments on the post I took down... all of you.
I have them safe still,

Have a beautiful weekend, x

A whole new take on giving them wings...!!

Wonder, amazement, awe.
Skill, power, freedom, energy, life ~ and such bodies too....;)

yet when I watch or think about it I feel fear in the pit of my stomach... I can see the attraction, but can think of safer ways of getting an adrenaline rush..

Still awesome, just it goes against all my protective instincts and knowledge that we are certainly not indestructable.

I'm not easily scared, I know the best stories are often born out of risks taken and adventures lived, that the safe option is rarely the most exciting, and yet sometimes we miscalculate, and sometimes there is no way back.....

One day perhaps I'll sit, and over a glass or two of wine, hear him relate his tales of high energy, adrenaline pumping, risktaking.

For now I pray for a small voice of reason, and some reinforcements for my nerves.
We're only human, not superheroes...

well, only in our dreams..

Spring

Hedge stalls are commonplace here with a jam jar or such like to leave money in.
A legacy of the past we manage to still hang onto somehow.
I smiled when I saw this one a few days ago. Something about it's simplicity reminded me of stalls I put out as a child.
It doesn't cost much to bring spring in from outside.
A change of rhythm, a splash of colour, a different feel to the place, the smell of spring too.

They are beautiful and spring is on it's way :) honest it is...

"I learned that the world has a soul, and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things.
I learned that many alchemists realized their destinies, and wound up discovering the Soul of the World, the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir of Life.
But above all, I learned that these things are all so simple they could be written on the surface of an emerald."

from 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coehlo



I can't help but think that most things in life are simpler than we make them out to be, we just don't always see it.
I have been away, house sitting and animal sitting and have only had brief moments to complete work at the computer..
no internet where I was staying!
(in some ways very liberating but I did miss it too)

However, there was time to reflect...
And time to face a few things that have come to light recently.
Some hard things that need work on, that need my time ~
teen troubles again.
Time, love and effort, commitment
teamwork.

If I'm quiet then that's why.
I haven't felt much like talking lately
sometimes life is scary...
been holding my breath as we start to turn a corner,
but daren't let go just yet...

for some odd reason I want and need to document how I feel.
One day I'll look back at this and remember how hard it was, but we will have come through it, battered and bruised (not literally I should add), but hopefully intact, and maybe wiser, who knows..!

The nicest thing that anyone has said relating to this is that whatever you put in eventually comes out ~
all the love and caring,
all of you that you give,
in the end it shows..

I needed to hear that
and in my heart I know that's true.

Just gotta keep on believing
and keep on loving
and showing it...



Sorry I didn't manage to reply to comments sooner.. they were all appreciated, I will be round soon, but have a very special young persons birthday to celebrate in the mean time :) x

kisses

sent from above....?
as I arrived home this lunchtime.
Much needed too.
I love moments like that, they just make me smile,
and wonder...
perhaps someone, somewhere, knew I needed exactly that.

Too short

Why do people, (all people at times,) forget that

Life is just far too short..

for so many things...

for misperceptions, regrets, foolish pride, not recognising or appreciating the good in one another,
for not loving, seeing, feeling and tasting what is around us...

too much time wasted on just not living...
time wasted on soul destroying, when it could be spent instead on soul building, or nurturing..

just thinking aloud.

It's beautiful today...

Lets go fly a Kite

With tuppence for paper and strings,
you can have your own set of wings.
With your feet on the ground,
you're a bird in flight!
With your fist holding tight,
to the string of your kite!

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flying up there,
all at once your lighter than air!
You can dance on the breeze,
over 'ouses and trees!
With your fist 'olding tight,
to the string your kite!

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

(from Mary Poppins)

Promises

You know those promises you make yourself when you're younger..
that you won't do this, and you will do that..?

that you wont turn into your parents
and you'll stay fun and cool
and you'll be friends with your kids
and you won't get fat
and flabby
and wear dreadful clothes,
that you'll only give advice when it's asked for
and that you'll keep an open mind
on all things,
on drink and drugs and sex
and you'll remember what it's like to be young
and foolish
and horny
and idealistic
and unrealistic,
and to dream
and not think about getting old,
that you'll try and see their world as they see it,
and not how you perceive it to be

and that you won't shout or get angry at anyone just for being the age they are and being daft
and you'll try to not embarass them or make them feel uncomfortable
that you'll never try and make them fit the mould you want them to..
even if you think it'll be the easier path,
that you'll let them find their own way
and just be their guide
that you won't let anything phase you -
in fact, quite naturally, nothing can phase you
even, and especially minor things like fashion and hair,

because there are bigger things in life to stress over,
and because, of course you have seen it (or most of it) before...
and of course you are realistic..

because you have seen it happen to other people,

BUT you have never had it happen to you...

there are times I need to remind myself of these things..
especially when all the things I said I'd never be peep out from behind closed doors and curtains
tempting me to give in,
and when sometimes classic situations present themselves
as they are prone to do now and again
It can be very hard to remember and keep those long held promises, to stay true to the values we decide for ourselves.

And sometimes a moment presents itself when we find ourselves keeping a long held promise and then it passes and for better or worse it was your choice,

tonight a good friend and I shared one such moment,
we smiled at one another and let it go... we kept our promises to ourselves

Every time, I say a prayer and hope it was the right thing to do...
There are more to come, and not all as easy as this one,

Staying true to our hearts,
honouring our promises,
it's harder than we think.

Kind words...spoken in love

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal.
When words are both true and kind, they can change our world."
Buddha

Words have been on my mind a lot lately...
their power to change how we think, feel, and act.
The difference between words chosen in love and those designed to maim, and not just the words, but how they are said and how they are packaged.

Once said they can't be taken back, they can linger on indefinitely, even, and perhaps, for ever..

yet silence isn't always the answer either ~ it can hurt every bit as much as words spoken can.

To be careful and use them wisely is a lesson that can't be learned too early.
It hurts when I hear people destroying one another with words, more so when they are young...
and why?

Words as weapons fall far too easily from lips that perhaps don't realise the lasting effects and potential damage done, and they come from both young and old lips alike....

And yet to quote Mother Teresa

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless"

Endless echoes are good...if only we could remember that before we open our mouths..

"Underground, overground, Wombling free. The Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we ! Making good use of the things that we find - things that the everyday folk leave behind !"

I remember being fascinated when I was very small by the idea that there were Wombles living in Wimbledon common and it was in fact the only reason back then that I wanted to visit it... to see if I could see them.
Then I grew up and realised they were purely imaginary!!

Skip rummaging and reusing things has always been a part of life here - so often it feels as if we've stepped into Steptoes back yard, but then we have mirrors, shelves, a shed, and various bits around the place that we couldn't afford any other way really, plus no end of picture frames and other 'found' objects that invariably end up as pieces of 'art' in some form or other.

So, I thought it was wonderful when I was told about an event planned this friday, where, once again there will be Wombles wombling in Wimbledon, but this time for real...

The Big Womble is being co-ordinated by The London Community Recycling Network and they are encouraging people to find broken, tired and discarded furniture and household items and bring them to Wimbledon College to be refurbished and reused. At the end of the day these items will be donated to furniture reuse charities in the city. Various celebrities have donated old and unwanted furniture to be reused and there looks to be lots planned for the day.
If I lived close I'd definitely be there - instead I'll drop in from afar and am spreading the word for them...

Happy Wombling all of you :)

Looking back

Whats round the next corner and are we nearly there yet? Do we really want to know?

Isn't it strange how so many things only make sense on reflection, that while we are going through them we can't always see.
And even if we are aware, without the next piece of the puzzle we find it hard to believe.

Sometimes it's not until things get so very hard, that we are given, or we find a way out.
That we emerge stronger and wiser (just maybe) than we were.

Sometimes (most often anyway) I'm grateful I only know whats happening now and don't know what lies ahead, yet looking back it does all fit into place.
Somehow everything, including all our choices ~ made with the best information we had to hand, and all the things that were taken out of our hands too, they all fit together to make sense and bring us to where we are now.


I am reminded of the words of the Desiderata that say that
"no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

It just takes patience and faith and trust to believe in that sometimes...

we are on holiday this week, we have time and space and no set plans, a rare gift indeed :)

The Lemonade award

A while back I was given the lemonade award by two beautiful people, much2ponder and Calli...

The Lemonade Award is for sites which show great attitude and/or gratitude!

Rules for the award:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Nominate your favorites and link to this post.

It has taken me so long to post this because being honest I could just refer you to my sidebar and you would find wonderful people at the end of any of them

but since am asked to choose, I nominate
Stacey at Independent chick
Jayne at Journey through grace
Romany Angel at An Angel on My Shoulder
Shaz at Dare to dream
and Gilly at Winds of Change


Thank you :) x

Changes, challenges and love

Changes are afoot..
Valentines day, purely by virtue of being singled out is memorable, years when there were no cards, the year the postman delivered a card and I didn't have a clue who it was from,
the year my son was due, but ended up over two weeks late ~ tomato soup and cod liver oil (not to be recommended), various other memories, a meeting with the local press at school, meeting my parents from holiday at the airport, surprise encounters that made me smile long after the event... that changed my thinking, romantic adventures that cost nothing but imagination.

Tonight, watching a dance concert with my daughter in it...
how times have changed :)
still romantic though, just different!

Perceptions change, what is important changes.

Ahead of us is a mountain...it's scary and it's real.
Distracted by the dance concert I could escape for a while and it was wonderful, but still the challenge lies ahead of us.
Bravely, together, and with good friends we are making our way forwards.

I had no idea when we started this journey of parenthood that it was going to be so challenging, so scary, and like so many I always thought things happened to other people,
but the challenges aren't made up, they are very real, they are ours.
Older and wiser people than I have offered reassurance, which is so welcome, yet as is always going to be the case, noone but us can go through this. Ultimately we are always alone, even when surrounded by others. We have to own our lives, our decisions and our actions.

Blessed with friends who care, and who are on hand to give support, in the end we are back to love...
that everyone needs to be loved, needs to know they are loved and cared for, that they are accepted for who they are, that we all mess up and need to give and receive forgiveness, time and time again, that it may never be the intention and yet we will hurt people without knowing, without meaning to, and that doesn't make us bad people, just that we are human.
We need to know we have people who are on our side fighting for us, believing in us even when we have lost faith in ourselves.

Not long ago Pip posted this and it keeps coming to mind,

" It was the love that dared not speak its name.

Now we weren't taught hatred.
Or aggression.
Pip told us all - you are a beautiful human person.
You need to hear that at 15.
And when we graduated to The Very Stinking Late Show at 17 we needed to hear it just as much."

The challenge isn't to love ~ that's easy, innate, the challenge is letting it show through, whilst not accepting certain behaviour.

It's turbulent, for them and for us.
We're finding our way
I am more scared of falling than I have ever been, there is more to risk.
I care more and love more than I have ever known.
Noone ever said it would be easy, all they say is that it is worth it.
There are many many magical moments, but just right now it's tough going...

However,
we have friends, and we have one another.

And one step at a time...with love...

we will get there.

From the broken heart of Gaza

Sending out a message...


Father Manuel Musallam, the Parish Priest of Gaza has written to the wider Church of God.
His letter was made public in January 2009.
It inspired Garth to write this song, and others to help him put together these images to go with the words and music.






- originally I heard of this from bigjohn...I just posted the song, his post tells it better -

Stay close

Last night I drove back along the coast road as the sea whipped up high above the wall, playing some kind of 'dodge the waves' game as I drove. It was wild and wonderful, untamed and free.

It was beautiful.

Nature has a way of silencing the soul, the power of the forces that surround us, the elements, that make us feel so small, and so in awe.

As I stayed safe watching and listening from the warmth of our home I finally drew breath. It has been busy. Work has been constant, but happy, S has been dancing in the festival, I was judge for a local competition, we have had friends birthdays to celebrate, and the usual routine of life to fit in around it all!

when it all gets too busy to see the way ahead I love the words of my dearest friend who says, "just stay close,"
and tonight I watched a small baby awake, then fighting sleep, cuddled in close. Safe, warm and cosy. Small cries of tiredness, momentarily distracted by life around her until she looked around and cried again. Then with ever heavier eyelids, she finally gave in, her head relaxed, her whole body at rest, sleeping peacefully.
A moment of calm and peace.
Of remembrance of promises made, of dreams, hopes and wishes for the future...

of love.

Just stay close.



I am also thinking of the Australian bush fires, of all those who have died and their families, and pray my loved ones stay safe out there too...

Made me smile today - a wonderful gift from across the oceans, with these words...thank you Jayne x

Kindness is a gift
that nurtures our souls,
smooths our edges and
awakens our hearts to beauty

a little kindness can go a long, long, way. It can transform a dull day into one that looks so much brighter. A glow that brings a spring to our step and lightens our hearts.

Hope anyone who is reading has a beautiful weekend ahead.

Apologies...

Apologies for any inconvenience - for a couple of reasons I have enabled comment moderation. Hopefully just for the short term.
I value all your comments though, and hope this won't stop you leaving them.
thank you,

RD,x

Diving

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea?

If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities:

he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand,

he must stop breathing,

and he must jump.

Rumi

Fihi ma Fihi - 50

Just haven't been able to get this out of my head lately...

It's melting, it was beautiful while it was here,
but then it gets muddy and dirty, and starts to fade,
the perfection tarnished,
nothing lasts for ever,
days off school,
days off work,
snowy beach walks,
hot beach cafe coffee breaks,
no post, no papers, no planes in or out,
snow filled adventures,
snow men, snowball fights, sledging,
white unblemished beauty, a pure canvas filled with memories, and enjoyed.

And now it retreats, a few traces remain in cold corners,
but life returns to routine.
Signs of spring peer out from the once frozen ground
and soon all this will be but a memory,
how transitory it all is,
how transitory everything is...

Apart from someone is dreaming of snowballs in summer...
found these hiding in the freezer :)




best find somewhere else to keep the vodka cold I guess!

Food for thought

Butterfly dreamer posed these questions on her blog, and I thought they were well worth pondering.

Could you be open to whatever comes next?
I'm trying on this one! Everything has always made some kind of sense in reverse and so I'd like to learn to trust that in time all will be well and accept and be open to whatever comes my way. I know I can and will cope somehow with anything that happens, but open to it...the good, and the not so good..? open perhaps, but not always fully embracing it. Pain is still pain and although I'd love to be able to live without it, I know it is an intrinsic part of life through which we do learn so much... still tough though when that's the next thing sent our way.

What do you think is sexy?
Sexy is a feeling, arousing the senses in various ways.

Is it important to be sexy or to feel sexy?
I think it is important to know the sexy inside of us, important to feel good and indulge that - we all desire and yearn to be desired, it's affirming and to shut it down, or lose it for whatever reason is to cut off a huge part of ourselves.
Is it really that easy to define or explain?
I don't think so, but it glows when it's there, it oozes and seeps out, sexy can't be contained.

Can you allow yourself to be different, or to color outside the lines?
Surely colouring outside the lines is the only way to be ~ we can only be who we are, unique and individual, and that can't conform to any one pattern. We are all colouring outside the lines without knowing it. I think it is our greatest gift, our individuality, our own colour(s)

What did you dream as a child , and what are your dreams now? Are you living your dreams? If not , why?
As a child I dreamt of being wild and free, I was mainly alone and always saw the future through those eyes. I never dreamt I would ever find love, or have children, and so in lots of ways I am living more than my wildest dreams and yet some are still to be lived.
Those childhood dreams of work, or at least helping in far off places I still think will happen one day, but not to my timetable ~ life has never worked according to my timetable, so I don't plan any more, but instead look for opportunities to arise.

Do you believe all life is sacred and beautiful?
:) I do, although I'm not so keen on insect life! I strongly believe to take anothers life is wrong - this is a big question though!

Don't all people deserve clean water,food,medicine and shelter? Why do you think the world hasn't achieved this yet?
All people do deserve all those things ~ I wish I knew why. I wonder if it is tied in with not valuing others as much as we value ourselves. Man is greedy and selfish.

Do you think there is good and bad in each of us, and is anything really black and white or just shades of gray? Is it important to acknowledge this part of ourselves?
I think there is good and bad in each of us - there is a dark side to every one. I think we fail ourselves if we try to pretend it doesn't exist. It can be deliciously tempting, but it can also be very dangerous. Mainly I guess we swing somewhere between the two extremes, but knowing there are sides of us we wouldn't perhaps choose to go means we can avoid them.

What do you believe in ? Yourself , God , reincarnation , other people?
I believe in a God who loves and is kind and forgiving and who is there even when there is noone else there...when there is nothing else. And sometimes I believe he/she is there in the people I meet who guide me and help me, those who turn up with just the right word(s) at the right time...angels in human form sent to look after us.

though it has at times seemed so incredibly lonely and then I might question this!


What inspires you?
Humans, love, nature.
What inspires you to create ?
Other people feeling, creating, emotions, humans, love, nature...
words, poetry, music, art.

Who are your heros , your mentors? Why?
For some reason I have always disliked this question ~ they are all people close to me who have taught me wonderful life lessons, ordinary folk who live(d) ordinary lives full of trials that we all could come across. Mainly people who have shown great resilience, love and kindness and believed in themselves and others and not been afraid to show it.

What makes you think ? Really think. What are your unanswered questions?
How is it that men can be so cruel to one another, why it is so hard for people to care and love one another, how come people survive the most incredible pain and trauma? life, love, the universe...eternity, infinity, wonder, beauty...


Do you judge others that look a little different from you? Do you assume you know what she is like? Could you be friends with her?
No, I hate to be judged and I don't like to judge, I know I will only get to know what someone is like by engaging with them and talking and sharing and spending time with them and of course I could be friends, it's not about looks.

Is love the most important thing there is? If so, only romantic love or any love?
I do think love is important, as a basis for all our actions towards one another.

Romantic love is different I think..

Do you think other generations had more fun or had it better than this one, and if so why?
I think every generation has it's own fun, nostalgia is rose tinted at times (for some perhaps), but we live at the time we do and we make our own fun

What gives you your bliss? Can you define it ?
All kinds of things.. holding my children, inhaling their scent, being outdoors, by the sea, exercising and feeling my body working, nature, shared experiences with friends, feeling accepted, loved, log fires, human touch, losing myself in a moment, peaceful escape, solitude, anything that caresses the senses and makes me feel alive.

Great questions, I enjoyed thinking about them and still am, thank you :)

Snow!!

It happens so rarely here, even though it was gone midnight, I just had to don boots and warm clothes to take photos just in case it had gone by morning!!
the children will be so excited when they wake up....
the cat didn't know what to make of it at all...now to bed and snow fun tomorrow, just hope the schools are closed :)

Tea break...?

It's better than any hospital programme on tv, or even one of those fly on the wall camera action things...

real life as viewed by a paramedic working on the front lines in a busy city...
a talented writer and photographer who is also set for a big adventure very soon...his place on it secured in part by his blog!!

Too many great posts to link just one - Kal at traumaqueen..

made me laugh today, thanks Kal, x

Slow dance

I used to think that teenage/parent arguments would be for someone else...
now I know that's not true,
this struggle for independence and autonomy brings with it many challenges
and to not give a damn would be to fail them...
the easier option perhaps is not always the right one.
Ever beautiful, gorgeous and much loved, but hard work, and frustrating
arguments brew and escalate far too easily, are far too common
the ideals of early childhood shatter as we try to not let it be a battle of wills, but find a way round or through...
all made up, peace restored, and childlike in sleep
I never want to miss them growing, developing, being, becoming

and tomorrow is a new day...

I was sent this tonight and I know each day is so precious
Again my heart goes out to those grieving in Gaza, to those who are hurting, those who won't get to see their children again this side of heaven.....or members of their family, adult or child...
I can't imagine a greater pain than that.


This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.


SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift..

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over

We can do no great things - only small things with great love

Hit the floor running today... seems like that's the pattern for the foreseeable weeks.
However, I was granted a reprieve when two appointments had to be rescheduled, giving me time to stop and 'be' alone for a moment.

I have been thinking a lot about love and God, and love again...
wondering, if truth be told, about humanity and compassion and just caring for one another, especially in the light of all that is happening in the world, as well as various other things.
Which is how I came to be reminded of the quote above by Mother Teresa.

There is also an Irish proverb that says "It is in the shelter of each other that the people live" ~ I like that. We do.
We are all connected, and we all need the shelter of one another...
what would it be like if people remembered that when they gained positions of authority and can influence what happens in the world? Perhaps I'm being naive and foolish even hoping something so simple could change anything, but I wonder perhaps if it could just spread and make a difference.

I also picked up a book I hadn't dipped into for a while, only to come across this traditional story retold...

called ~ "God in Hiding"

A legend tells how, at the beginning of time, God resolved to hide himself within his own creation.
As God was wondering how best to do this, the angels gathered round him.
'I want to hide myself in my creation,' he told them. 'I need to find a place that is not too easily discovered, for it is in their search for me that my creatures will grow in spirit and understanding.
'Why don't you hide yourself deep in their earth?' the first angel suggested.
God pondered for a while, then replied, 'No. It will not be long before they learn how to mine the earth and discover all the treasures that it contains. They will discover me too quickly, and they will not have had enough time to do their growing.'
'Why don't you hide yourself on their moon?' a second angel suggested.
God thought about this idea for a while, and then replied, 'No. It will take a little longer, but before long they will learn how to fly through space. They will arrive on the moon and explore it's secrets, and they will discover me too soon, before they have had enough time to do heir growing.'
The angels were at a loss to know what hiding places to suggest. There was a long silence.
'I know,' piped up one angel, finally. 'Why don't you hide yourself within their own hearts? They will never think of looking there!'
'That's it!' said God, delighted to have found the perfect hiding place. And so it is that God hides secretly deep within the heart of every one of God's creatures, until that creature has grown enough in spirit and in understanding to risk the great journey into the secret core of it's own being. And there, the creature discovers it's creator, and is rejoined to God for all eternity.
(from 'one hundred Wisdom Stories from around the world' by Margaret Silf)

God and love hidden deep in the core of each one of us?

Perhaps we see it more easily in others than we do in ourselves at times.

Perhaps that's what we see in each other,
that which we recognise reflected in someone elses eyes,
and why we hurt and feel,
and why we should look after one another more than we do,
and really truly look after ourselves more than we do too....

just pondering....

Just had to post this...

they need our help.

I can't believe the BBC blocked an appeal for emergency aid to Gaza...
Good on Tony Benn for speaking out





The Disasters Emergency Committee launched their appeal a couple of days ago and they have ways to help and how to donate on their web site

Feeling good :)

The future needs a big kiss
Winds blows with a twist
Never seen a moon like this
Can you see it too?

Night is falling everywhere
Rockets at the fun fair
Satan loves a bomb scare
But he won’t scare you

Hey, sexy boots
Get on your boots, yeah

You free me from the dark dream
Candy floss ice cream
All our kids are screaming
But the ghosts aren’t real

Here’s where we gotta be
Love and community
Laughter is eternity
If joy is real

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

That’s someone’s stuff they’re blowing up
We’re into growing up
Women of the future
Hold the big revelations

I got a submarine
You got gasoline
I don’t want to talk about wars between nations

Not right now

Hey sexy boots…
Get on your boots, yeah
Not right now
Bossy boots

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

Hey sexy boots
I don’t want to talk about the wars between the nations
Sexy boots, yeah

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, now
God, I’m going down
I don’t wanna drown now
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Yeah hey hey

U2 - Get On Your Boots

Am loving this song right now
and we all have one.. a sexy side that is ~

Sultry and mysterious...
feeling good from the inside out
looked after,
pampered,
clothed in materials chosen to feel good next to naked skin ~
soft and silky,
smooth,
velvet or lace.

Painted, cared for nails,
the intoxicating scent of a favourite perfume,
senses alerted,
make up applied,
not too much, yet just enough,
check in the mirror,
eyes shine out, feeling good...


Now, a choice...

do I put on my sexy boots and head out...

or instead, like every other day, do I put on my work clothes, my uniform, and leave them all wondering exactly what it is they can't put their finger on that is different today... ? ;)

Now and again

Ribbons on ballet shoes,
Colours on sports kit
new lanes in swimming
prizes in competitions
stickers, and house points

Now and again things come together, if only for a moment.
Inbetween the rest of life there are rays of light
recognition of efforts and achievements
some smaller than others, but all significant
things that make the heart swell and beat faster and lighter than before,
that bring a smile to eyes and lips, even tired and weary ones,
warmth in the cold, to send winter blues packing.

We all need to be recognised, all need to be valued for what we do
for our efforts
to know we have done something,
that we have succeeded
and that we are significant
in some way, somehow,
to someone

these achievements ~
and the physical rewards,

they may belong to someone else,
someone I love,
but they all make me smile,
make me glow,
a little warmer than before

and it's a glow that can be both felt,

and seen.

The imagination of the young.
Encouraged by his mates who were going to follow suit - 'do you think we could?' 'Of course we can...' 'lets try...' 'I dare you...'
A stunt gone wrong,
a miscalculated risk
his timing was out ~ the gap was too wide, below him a pile of granite,
and very fortunately, to my immense relief although I can't work out how, the only damage was to the glass.

I wonder realistically when brains develop the capacity for calculated risk.
It would appear to be a skill that requires some fine tuning and perhaps a little luck along the way and left me thinking about judging things, choices and reactions.

Filled with many emotions (anger, relief, incredulous disbelief, frustration), I opted for the calm approach, pointing out how dangerous it actually was, and what could so easily have happened, and how devastated I wold be if anything ever happened to any of them, which was all true, and on balance I think perhaps better than my other instinctive reaction.
It seemed to have the desired effect...apologetic, strangely quiet and calm and big hugs from all of them, until next time that is, I guess!!

They are all wonderful and lovable but it's like they have suddenly just grown, sprouted longer legs, lost coordination they once had and their brains haven't quite caught up with any part of them. They believe they can and yet it just doesn't quite all come together when they ask it to. Plus they aren't on 'receive' mode at the moment and so tuning in to relay information is incredibly hard.

Now boarded up and waiting for glass to be cut on Monday.


I had planned a weekend of self medicating relaxation, catching up with myself and bits and pieces that needed doing around the place. This disease seems to have brought with it an increased susceptibility to opportunistic infection which I can only attribute to a physical manifestation of stress...
As much as I try to ignore it, and wish it wasn't so, I am kind of forced to accept it as a reality and will have to work around it and accept that sometimes I will need to give into it - am annoyed with myself that I am back on antibiotics but perhaps it is a lesson learned too.

The weekend, much needed, has flown past - I can hardly believe it's back to work and school tomorrow... sleep and exercise and a promise to myself to listen to what my body is telling me....

A most wonderful blessing.

In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go.

I'm not sure who to accredit that to but I read it first on Jayne's blog
and it struck me as very wise...

It was the letting go that I got really caught up on though...
never the easiest thing to do, no matter how many times you have had to do it,
all the losses, little and big
all the moving forwards
all the brave faces, and all the tears behind closed doors.
all the new beginnings, tinged with sadness at what has been left behind to be where we are now.

But also that ~
The past is also my present, from which there is no escape, and I am working on it because it is also part of my future.

Some things hang round like bad smells you can't get rid of.
Where is that odour neutralising spray for life when we need it?
Surely we could all be cheerful like they are in the adverts, sniffing our carpets and furnishings, or something like that if only we could find it, content in our freshly spruced up surroundings with the odd spray here and there?


Some things we leave behind
other things leave us behind
and sometimes the things we'd like to leave behind end up stuck to us like glue we can't shake off...

The Interview game

I saw this on Charli's blog - she had been interviewed and in a moment of impulse I agreed...no, I should say asked, to be interviewed...curious as to what she might ask me.
These are her questions, and my answers.
If anyone wants to play just let me know.

1. If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
I'd work in Africa as a volunteer - have been searching out opportunities to do that for some time now, it was a childhood dream

and if I could have another month I'd include Antarctica and the Northern lights - quite like the explorer side of me, would love to experience the vastness and wildness of it, would love to live there for a while.

2. What are your most compulsive habits?
LOL - I try hard to break anything that looks like becoming compulsive...apart from being incredibly curious, which I positively indulge as I am rarely satisfied with whats on the surface and am compelled to search out more.
However, to answer you more specifically, I love smooth sheets to sleep on - whatever else may happen in an unmade bed, at least the bottom sheet has to be made by the start of bedtime for me to sleep properly ;)


3. Would you rather play a game with someone more or less talented with you? Would it matter who was watching?
I was going to say definitely more talented...have always enjoyed learning, being stretched and developing new skills, but it depends on why we are playing - I love playing games (any) with the children and then it doesn't matter.
I hate being observed...either way.

4. Which of the following restrictions could you best tolerate: leaving the country permanently or never leaving the state in which you currently reside?
A question ~ Could I take my family with me?
If I could, then it would easily be leaving the country permanently... to have to stay here could and sometimes already does, feel like a prison I need to escape from now and again. However, I'd rather be imprisoned with my husband and children than never to be able to see them again.

5. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important that people mourn your death?
Interesting - I have often thought about my death, but not particularly my funeral...
who will be there - my parents, husband and kids?
or maybe just my children?
maybe noone...
I think if we make a difference in peoples lives then we will be missed when we are no longer around. I would love it if people thought of me as I think of those who have made the biggest impact on me, like John who I blogged about, or my son's namesake - his godfather who became ill and died within months while I was pregnant.
I guess I'd like it if my death was mourned.. I'm just not so sure I've earned that yet..


Great questions Charli, thank you :)

now the rules if you want to play....


•Leave me a comment requesting an interview.
•I will e-mail you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
•You then answer the questions on your blog.
•You should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed.
•Anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog.
•It would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger.

Bits 'n' pieces

First off I read a story I loved over at writing in faith which made me think about how we see other people, and how others view us.. not a new idea but one that this social experiment made me think about again and also about what we miss if we are not open to and looking at what is really around us.

Secondly, I haven't been around much ~ yesterday was the year anniversary of the death of someone who I thought of as my second Dad..not family as such, but as good as, and a wonderful person. It was so lovely that after I called and had spoken with R, one of his daughters, I then heard her calling out that it was Katie B on the phone. It is rare that I am called, and happy to be called, by my maiden name any more, but there always had to be a differentiation between the two Kates in the family and it took me straight back to happy times with my 'brothers and sisters' getting up to way too much mischief, especially as, for many years, I was the youngest.

It is both beautiful and painful how some people leave permanent marks on your hearts and souls.
We love and we hurt and we laugh and we cry, smiling through the tears, and we do it all at the same time, and we hug each other because we are still here and we miss them and we can't bring them back and it just doesn't seem fair...
and we pick ourselves up and we carry on with them in our hearts every day, not far away and yet far too far away.
Changed by knowing them, yet I'm not sure how comforting that really is....


So, there was that..

and there has been time trying to get my head around what is going on in Gaza...reading and listening, inbetween children and mealtimes and lessons and work ~ quiet time when there is nothing else that demands attention, to be able to concentrate and absorb, is hard to come by!

and a stack of work to get through and prepare, a daughter revising for exams and taking them seriously....and other adolescent issues, growing pains I guess, both physical and otherwise to attend to.

and the minor, yet drastic (for me that is) discovery that my work trousers fit rather better than they should if they are to remain decent, which has meant I have had to seriously up the exercise and cut out some of the things I love because there is no way I am buying new ones.

Which means life, as ever, has been and is, a mix of big and small things, all significant, all changing how I have been feeling and thinking, and has left little time or, if I'm honest, mental space, for catching up with friends anywhere, or blogging or replying to e mails....sometimes life just takes over for a while...

It's cold, breath catchingly cold, and winter is certainly making it's presence felt.

I find it is so easy to get drawn into it's dull grey gloom, and to absorb dismal days, letting them infiltrate how I feel and think.
There is much to sweep up and clear outside and it is too early to deadhead.
It is so tempting to just blitz it, to make it look good, and yet I know I must wait until the last frost has been and gone...
or that's what I was taught as I was growing up if you don't want to damage the new shoots waiting.

Patience

Inbetween and hidden under bushes some bulbs are sprouting, getting ready for spring.

Things happen at their own pace, there is no rushing and if we try and rush it we end up destroying something in the process.
An analogy for life? It feels like it, and something I need to keep in mind too...
To live and appreciate living, whilst waiting for the next certain surprise to come along. Because if we wait, it will arrive sooner or later, and so often when we least expect it.

All the family went back to work and school yesterday, and suddenly, where there was chaos, now there is order, of sorts anyhow, there is structure and lists are being worked through.

A meeting with someone I will be working with later this month made me realise just how much easier it is when you have someone next to you saying we can, and we will, when you can work together, supporting one another.
Although I am quite comfortable working alone, it is a welcome input and experience to share and develop ideas and exchange stories over coffee, and confirms to me that there should definitely be more to work than merely working!

My aim right now is to keep looking for, and focused on what is good and kind and beautiful in each day whilst hoping there really are some delicious surprises ahead....

Words fail

Words fail
when I watch and listen to the reports about Gaza,
feelings of disbelief,
anger,
sadness,
helplessness,
frustration,
outrage....

please God let it stop...
let there be a way through

Revelatory shower moments...

Revelatory moments are few and far between it seems
a fleeting moment of inspiration, filling a gap
a longed for missing piece of a jigsaw
yet they happen now and again.
Revealed this morning,
of all places, in the shower, amidst shampoo and soap

a new perspective on 'why?'

years spent asking 'why?'
what it is that motivates a certain type of behaviour?

And now it occurs to me following this, that I'm not so sure that knowing why actually helps with what to do about it...
(even if it's not knowing as such, and merely another perspective)

just maybe, why? isn't always the most important question...

It's begun

Perhaps it's not the best start to a party to turn up and admit to your friends that you really didn't feel like going...but then to be greeted with equal honesty from them meant we were united in our lack of enthusiasm, and it set the tone for the evening - no pretences whatsoever.
In fact this was exactly why I had said yes in the first place. They are the one place I can be honest with how I am feeling and who I am, or at least one of the places I can be.
A safe place to dwell.
In the end it was a really good, fun evening.

And so the year began, a late one at the rugby club and then onwards to our friends house where we stayed up, until dawn had well and truly broken.
One by one people took themselves off to sleep, leaving a small group behind relaxing and being together...

We hadn't started out wanting a party, but in some ways I needed to be there.

I couldn't sleep even though I wanted to, and for quite some time I lay on the sofa, watching as the others played karaoke on the playstation...and contemplated all kinds of things...it is good to take a step outside your world now and again - to be a part of it and yet disengaged at the same time.

As it turned out there were moments of sharing very personal stories which have left me thinking and once again realising how little I really know about life or anything that goes on in it...and humbled by others stories and experiences and honesty in telling them to me.
And we try to figure out the way forward together.

It's been a very low key day, gathering ourselves for the new year that has already begun.
Not so much making resolutions, which I do very badly, but looking ahead, as a friend put it so well on facebook, to embrace the new surprises, wonders, failings and learnings that lie ahead.