Last week, when I was looking for my PE kit in the cloakroom,
I saw an angel.
She was hovering above the coat hooks, smiling at me
and waving a long white hand.
Her silver wings were trembling
And her golden halo shimmered in the sun.
This morning she was there again,
smiling and shimmering,
Flapping and fluttering,
Waving and trembling.
She looked beautiful.

I told my teacher.
"Miss, there's an angel in the cloakroom."
My teacher gave a little snort."An angel?"
She looked around the cloakroom but the angel had gone.
"Too much television," she sighed.
"Too lively an imagination.
A daydreamer, that's what you are.
Angels indeed! Whatever next?"
She smiled and shook her head,
And then picked up a shining feather
from the floor
And put it in the bin.

Gervase Phinn

Makes me wonder what other things children see that adults write off... how quickly we dismiss their fanciful ideas.. perhaps we should indulge them now and again?...*


One of the lovely things about Christmas shopping is it invariably sees me gravitate towards bookshops and music...
the problem with books is you just have to have a sneak preview before you give it to someone.

Am loving this small book,
"Twinkle twinkle little stars", there are some really lovely stories in it.

* am also thinking that if we only look we will see the marks angels leave. Have come across a couple of very beautiful angels today, disguised as humans... uncanny how that happens!

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.."
Maya Angelou

Thats important.
Learning to say No, and no more
No more to crap
No more to criticism
No more to unasked for judgements
No more giving out all the time into a bottomless pit...
no more tired and lame excuses for damaging behaviour
from anyone...

Time for looking after, for nurturing, for doing what feels good, for being with people who care and love and want to be around... time for protection

everyone has limits, everyone needs time and love and patience and friends,
and unconditional acceptance, warts and all.

sometimes it's time to take responsibility for our own happiness, and maybe sometimes that means saying no to some things, some people.

It's been a crap day, a tear filled frustrating, dismal down day...not aided by painful, swollen joints, and feeling like everything is an enormous effort. I'm back on my iron in case it's partly that too...or it could be just one of those days at the end of one of those weeks.

It's certainly time to conserve energy and resources for a while, spend time with friends and rekindle the fire thats burning rather dimly at the moment...and listen to the inner still voice for a while.

It's time...

"so even if we have to fake it until we make it,
lets give it a shot."
Jen Gray Dec 2008


words that made me think
There are times when faking it is the best we can do, and who says we shouldn't now and again...if it gets us by? One day we might realise we've woken up and we're not faking it any more
perhaps we might realise we were never really faking it after all
perhaps all we have to do is believe

Cheers Jen, lets give it a shot,
I'm in...

When stories come to life

This weekend I saw Inkheart, a most wonderful film, in my book anyhow.





I had tagged along at the invite of a friend to help with their daughters Birthday party. As it turned out the children were incredibly well behaved, and needed no real supervision other than us to be there, leaving us to catch up during the meal beforehand, and then sit in the cinema together afterwards.

I was enthralled and captivated for the whole movie.
It is rare I recommend a film, or a book for that matter... they are so personal, but I completely loved this...

Comfort

Memories
growing up is confusing.
Tonight as my daughter came to me for yet another hug she said to me "I used to fall asleep in your arms"
I told her she still could.
She didn't... didn't have to, didn't need to after then.

What comforting beautiful memories
feels like yesterday
Is wonderful to know she treasures them like I do...

Cold thoughts

the cold virus

Just a thought
How can something so pretty and bright make you feel so rough?
guess it's no consolation that it's so colourful...

Not that I'm being antisocial, but
It can go and play elsewhere
Advice from one teacher in school... wash your hands and don't touch anyone!!

not much fun when party season is upon us though!

The very last bits of coursework are in and done.
I hand delivered the hard copies this morning and finally I have those precious hours to fill with other things. A corner of my brain has been swept clear and there is space at last.

Satisfaction that it is done and a weight lifted, more so than I had thought.

So, in response to Gilly,
Santas beverage of choice.. a tricky one...

Whisky makes him very silly...I am sure of that.. have heard tales :)
so brandy has always been a good option - he has always left the right presents for the right people...

though I have been viewing a couple of recipes we might just have to try..

Mistletoe Mojito courtesy of Scarlet

1 oz. fresh lime juice

1 tbsp. superfine sugar
8 fresh mint leaves
2 oz. white rum (optional)
2 tsp. pomegranate seeds
4 oz. Pomegranate 7 Up
1 mint sprig
1 lime wedge

Pomegranate seeds

1) In a highball glass, muddle lime juice, sugar and mint leaves until sugar is dissolved.

2) Add rum and pomegranate seeds. Btw, the rum is NOT optional. (It's not a mojito without the rum!!)

3) Fill glass with ice and top with Pomegranate 7UP.

Garnish with mint sprig and lime wedge.

Makes 1 mojito...so you may want to double (triple?) the recipe. ; )

Enjoy!

or courtesy of Allie,
egg nog

4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
1 pint whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
3 ounces bourbon
1 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
4 egg whites

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the egg yolks until they lighten in color. Gradually add the 1/3 cup sugar and continue to beat until the sugar completely dissolves. Add the milk, cream, bourbon and nutmeg and whisk to combine.

Place the egg whites in a different bowl of a stand mixer and beat to soft peaks using the whisk attachment. With the mixer still running gradually add the 1 tablespoon of sugar and beat until stiff peaks form.

Whisk the egg whites into the mixture. Chill and serve.

{Makes 6 to 7 cups.}

or even one of these courtesy of Violetsky..

(Bloody) Caesar New Variation

Rim a highball glass with lime and sea salt and fill halfway with ice

Into a cocktail shaker with ice add
1.5 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin,
5 oz Clamato juice, (best with regular Motts to get the full flavour of the Bombay Sapphire)
pinch of cayenne pepper and a pinch of Worcestershire
and ROLL gently to blend.

Strain into a highball glass

Adorn with celery stick, carrot stick, pickled onion, or lime

Sip

Relax

Sip

Relax

But seeing as I haven't a clue who he is or what his prefernce is.. it's a game of chance ;)

It's also time I played along even just once - and I know it's early, but what are rules for...?
Carmi's theme for this week is bright..
as I drove along the coast in the dusk suddenly the sun peeked out from the edges of the cloud, giving a beautiful lining and lit up the whole sky again...if only for a short while.

I have missed playing with my camera while I have been studying - I think it's time to play again :)

Oh and all this week I have been convinced it's friday - which is making it go very slowly...if we could just hurry it along a little please :)

Christmas is coming!

We have the tree but it's not up yet, we have cards but they're not written yet, and some presents, though not many - I also have cooking to do and prepare in advance of the two birthdays that also occur one each side of Christmas.
I have a sick (though not that sick) child and the last essay to complete before tonight's class
There is work to do on a present I was hoping to get finished for Christmas - it won't be, because I don't have a kiln to fire it in - a special silver firing kiln... but I'd like to think it was as close as it could be so it can wing it's way across the ocean in the new year, plus I like to think that at least I was thinking of that person while I was working on it - and if I could have completed it I would.
I also have jewellery I have almost finished mending for a friend for tonight...

My thoughts are in many different places right now.

I took down a post about the calm after the storm (sorry Violetsky, I took your comment with it, but it was much appreciated, thank you) - indeed there have been storms fuelled by teenage angst and hormones and this is just a rocky part of the road. It will improve, of that I am sure. Sometimes we need a storm to experience the calm. I wish it wasn't so, yet today feels easier, is easier. Communication love and acceptance...

Yesterday I felt the blessing of blogging upon me yet again. A card saying I had missed a parcel delivery had me puzzled, although of course it is Christmas and it shouldn't be that strange! However, I was all the more delighted and taken quite aback by a gorgeous book sent all the way from my beautiful friend Jayne. An author she had mentioned to me during a conversation we had had while we sat across our desks on different sides of the world while we shared a drink...oh the absolute magic of ichat video links...
The connections from blogging have to be the very best bit about it all. Thank you Jayne, x

And then we had our first carol service last night - thoughtful, thought provoking and uplifting too. As much as I love some aspects of Christmas it is always a stressful time and thre is so much sadness aswell as so much joy around and I find it hard sometimes to reconcile the two.

In fact I don't think I do, and images of Bethlehem and Palestine brought back by friends on their recent trip there also infiltrated my thoughts last night as we sang.


Yet still I know Santa won't come down the chimney unless I prepare for him!

and there is the decision to make about what his favourite drink is this year...

Well you've got to be prepared for all eventualities :)

Our best bits..

Today I looked down at the start of a class and saw the most incredible pair of eyes looking back at me, wide and blue, fixated, waiting intently, and listening. It was the start of a lovely class.
A class where yet again the class teacher was surprised at the end to see how much the children had learned, and in which the children themselves were surprised and proud.

The very best bit of what I am doing now, and the reason why I wanted to somehow get back to doing it in some form, is seeing children suddenly discover that they can do something and do it well...that sense of pride of achievement in themselves.
I love it when they go out of class shining and happy with themselves, feeling good.

We do things for so many reasons, our desires are often driven by something very deep rooted in us.
If children believe they can, then they often can and will, and nurturing that sense of self belief stems from something deep in me.

It got me thinking about our best bits.
What are your best bits?

Truth is, it's so easy to only hear about the less favourable sides of ourselves and to believe in them, and easy to forget, or not to focus on, our strengths.

It is so easy to end up introverted and negative and down on life and ourselves when all we hear is the tedium of what we should have or could have done more of, or better...

which is why I decided it's time to shake off the winter blues, and give some time to embracing my best bits.

The things I do well, the things other people say I do well, the compliments people pay, the things that make me feel good,
to take them onboard and integrate them into my thinking.
Time to enjoy achievements rather than dwell on downfalls.

Time to enjoy the very best bits of me, just like the reflection in the smiling eyes of a child when they succeed.



oh and I thought it was time for a change of scenery round here too :)

Too tired really for reflection...
it's been a long, long day... am still chilled to the bone, trying to thaw out.
a story of mixed messages, communication hijacked, and then watching the day unfold and having not a shred of influence over how it turned out...laughable in it's absurdity
a project that gradually got smaller and smaller until it was just a few of us selling a few (delicious) fairtrade chocolate things on a stall in the rain, the hot spiced apple juice only really getting going in time for us to pack up at the end. Best not talk about the liquor licence ;)
I ache, have a full day ahead tomorrow and need sleep...

In the middle of all the mixed communication I headed out, and saw this rainbow... caught it just before it disappeared from view...

a long day but fun in all it's bizarreness.

A very special Advent Calendar

What a fantastic idea, and an amazing thing to bring together for advent.
Shame we live too far away to see this....

Beach hut advent calendar

I'll be checking by every day though to see what opens next...

Christopher Robin to Pooh

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

Oh for such wisdom...

there is a part of Tuesdays right now that I find exceedingly hard. A situation I have no control over, apart from how I choose to react to it.
I thought tonight was going to be the last one, it's not...next week is.
It's nothing physical, but mentally and emotionally very hard, and all my instincts tell me I just want to run away. Sometimes it's better than I think and other times it's not.
There will always be situations we find hard to cope with, and I am usually relatively calm in the face of adversity. However, sometimes courage feels like it has flown away...

I'm frittering time away when I should be working.
Sometimes it's hard to focus beyond what might be.

As a good friend reminded me recently, we should cross our bridges as we come across them, not before....

and who knows, perhaps they'll be good for playing pooh sticks on instead!

New things and old...

It's a new month,
I have a new hair cut,
a new colour,
no matter that it was me experimenting
getting rid of grey,
it's shorter, sassier and makes my head feel lighter and clearer, more purposeful.
old music turned up loud,
memories of amazing cool times
reminds me of people I should make contact with again,
crowded nights in a tent in Herm before we all went our separate ways
a long time ago now!

I am sitting drinking coffee and the chocolate biscuits are open..

a confessional moment ~ guess who forgot the advent calendars this year? yes, I did, and I feel bad about it..

My coursework is nearly completed,
and Christmas shopping nearly started,
which means it's been thought about!

Right now I wish I had better speakers than I do...
oh well, everyone deserves a wish list!

My amazon order arrived today, I opened it all excited, but somehow I got the study notes and not the book...
the problems of online shopping and not checking properly before clicking on buy!
'That'll learn me', so my friend would say :)

"100 years of solitude" will have to wait.. but if anyone wants the study notes, they're here!!


and currently playing,
from a tent in Herm, a long time ago now...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."


oh and red ribbons for World Aids day ~ plenty on facebook, but none spotted round town or anywhere else I have been today... how come?

A magical mystery tour

A magical mystery tour,
away from judgement and criticism
on a ship, headed into the distance,
to spectacular, mainly unchartered territory
wild and beautiful
with my children and R, my friends, music, books,
and enough food and drink to last as long as it was needed...


Escape ~
where do you go to in your head to escape, even for a short while?
when you're not focused on what you should be,
when you don't really want to be exactly where you are,
and would rather be somewhere else.

Who would you take, what would you take?
where would you go?
and for how long?

I'm dreaming mine right now....


shouldn't be, but am.
Should be working and focused

perhaps I could just close the doors, unplug the phone and invite those I want to round for a while and chill out with them here instead.

Important, human things...

Important things that have happened my way of late ~

while I was sunning myself in Cyprus, a group of people, including friends of mine, were over in Palestine, and Big John has been busy compiling this from their trip, sharing their story and experiences



As I see it is a preview I imagine there is more to follow.
I wonder as I watch it how many are aware of this, of any of it, in the run up to Christmas.




Wise words too from someone my age, a friend of a friend, with terminal cancer about enjoying every moment with our children and family... because they have cherished the time they have had with theirs, and it made life worth it.

Makes me wonder what on earth I would be thinking and saying if I knew I could have died within hours, yet was saved for a short while, but still there is no real hope of a cure?

All we can do is learn from, and love each other.
I am convinced of that, because there is no way we can beat life, we just have to learn how to live with it, and how to live, as best we can, with each other.




Then there was a moment on friday, when I was sitting nursing the remnants of a migraine outside swimming, feeling down on life and myself it has to be said... and a friendly hand appeared on my shoulder, unexpectedly, a friend I wouldn't expect to see there, who arrived just in time to cheer me and make me feel better about the world...I swear friends are angels in disguise.




And less important in the scheme of life but important to me...
today Father Christmas turned on the lights in town... and S and a friend wanted to go and see him on their own. Now this is in contrast to me letting go :)

For ages I have mentioned, and even quite directly asked S what she thought about it, and what the other girls say, and earlier in the week we went to see the school play in which there was a line or two about Father Christmas being a myth that only younger children believe in...yet not a flicker of doubt crosses her face.. she still insists ~ he is real... insists although I am sure she knows...
what can we do but play along?

somehow she has gained the upper hand in this and we have to carry on perpetrating the myth that we reinforced by taking them to Lapland to meet him
deep in the forest with only a reindeer outside.
If we were doing it, then it had to be the best, the most real experience, and it was :)
Trapped in a web of our own making...!!

Not that I am really complaining... only slightly!

Just loved this...so clever

History

The end of an era is upon us.

From the children being very small Dennis the menace was a big part of family life, he was favourite viewing after school and we spent many afternoons laughing at his antics.
Often I could be forgiven for thinking I had my very own Dennis right here with me!
If R jnr could have changed the bath water with jello he would have!
So when we first decorated his room, he wanted a picture of the mischievous couple on his wall.

However, now it's come to a time when he wants his room completely redecorated, and it's time to cover Dennis over....he still likes him but it doesn't quite fit any more.
Time to say goodbye, to move onwards.
I'm not sure I can bring myself to paint over them completely - we are working on some kind of notice board or something to cover over this part of childhood history. I know we have to move on, but I remember painting it painstakingly and lovingly, knowing how much it meant to him.

It's going to have to be a pretty big board though...

We have the paint all ready for us to begin... just a shame I had a migraine which wouldn't let me start on it today!

thoughts after a lesson...

I just taught possibly the best lesson I can ever recall teaching... and the strange thing is I'm not sure why. Technology failed yet again - so no advance on the 2 lessons so far where I have had fully functioning sound, interactive white board and dvd/cd rom access.... but still, it went well.
I can improvise, and practical demonstration can overcome most things in my sessions thankfully.
Yet I am half wondering ~ did it go well, or did it just go as I had hoped ~ without fuss and disruption!! How do we judge?
I like kids who listen, who can then take on board an instruction and carry it out, who show me they have learned and who can demonstrate an ability to think for themselves too...
the class was well behaved, considerate and had fun, and yet still I come away scratching my head for the answer as to why?
Are we never satisfied???
I would love a simple formula as to why.

I know perfectly well that just because a class is quiet and appears to be focused on the board or on me, doesn't mean that they are learning, they could equally well be day dreaming ( I used to do that one well) and I know that just because someone apparently isn't focused on me but fiddling or doodling, that they aren't learning....I also know that noise and action can signify learning, or it can mean mayhem...

I'm used to them listening, but am also used to them getting so excited when we get to the practical physical bits that they find it hard to contain themselves - they have so much energy that just has to come out.

I am sure that this morning they both listened and learned, and there was excellent behaviour too which made life so much easier... hey Jayne, you're right - it was what I needed this morning! - an easy session :)

So, I now have two things floating round my head... one is from Jeff at 'Sharp yellow pencil' blog, (well worth a read if you have time to pop over) who posted this a while back which has stuck with me ~

that all behaviour is motivated...

and then there is the whole thing about expectation, which says if we expect a certain behaviour from someone, we are far more likely to get it.
That makes perfect sense to me, and in the class room at least it seems to work wonderfully ~ if we expect good behaviour, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, most of the time anyhow.

However, outside of the classroom I find expectation a tricky customer.
We all have expectations, and it's hard enough to live up to someone elses expectations of me, let alone my own of me.
The people I hold closest to my heart are the ones who have never expected any more of me than I have to give at any one time...and I love them dearly for that.

Unrealistic, unreasonable expectations can only lead to disappointment, and yet people persist in making them, often without even asking, or knowing someone, and finding out if they are realistic in the first place.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when, oh look.... there goes another self fulfilling prophecy!

We only ever fail if we, or others, expect more than we are able to give...

and so, in reality we actually succeed far more than we give ourselves credit for.

'cos a status update can't say it all...

snapshots just sometimes aren't enough to tell the story....
It's been dull and windy and wet, an ordinary November day

Scene one: just tumbled out of bed to announcements that the hamster is on the loose again and has decided to live up to his name once more. I place strategic piles of nuts around the place and wait, get bored, I have a shower and find that all the nuts have been eaten...am slightly concerned he has taken them down into the pipework behind the toilet and so return with a carrot on the theory that he would find it hard to drag it into the hole with him and so make it easier to catch him...
I dry my hair and return to the craft room where the carrot is.... finally spot his fluffy body hidden inbetween paintings stacked on the floor and capture him.. he puts up no resistance, is full and content... I note that he has not touched the carrot! Text all family members - R and children that he is found!

Scene two: am now running late to meet my parents at the hospital to get Mum's latest test results, but everything is running even later there; however the wait fades into insignificance when we are told all is clear...

Scene three: I sit alone at home, drinking coffee and digesting the fact that almost for the first time in 21 years we no longer, at least for the moment, have to give headspace to the word cancer... that hits me deep down.
I wonder how often big moments arrive and take us by surprise, and instead of jubilation and champagne, I am alone drinking coffee... normality resumed without question... Big emotions flowing through me, hard to get my head around, and I remembered exactly how solitary the processing of these emotions is.
I wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by people at that point and yet I longed for contact with people, wanted to tell them my news. and yet again it isn't my news to tell. I have been every age from 19 to now this afternoon.
I'm leaving a lot out of this bit here...
it has informed my journey, is a part of who I am, has brought me much joy and friendship, aswell as pain and tears. I am sure I will need it again, but for now it can just rest out of sight, or tucked away somewhere. Parts of it trigger other stuff.. childhood stuff...and for now I am thankful for where I am today, where we are today.
I head out to teach year four children and leave wondering how I can best include a child with physical disabilities in my lesson tomorrow.. it's a practical lesson.

Scene four: after school, all is calm until issues around msn and computers and phone calls and girls crop up... and escalate, attitude and arguments... it kills me inside, I hate this ~ the balance between control and not being too controlling...
you know girls have feelings too??? I thought we did that one a long time ago... sometimes this doesn't sound like my son any more!!
I am rarely the mother I want to be... rarely live up to my ideals...perhaps we never really get it right. I feel bad. I've never been a parent before - and that will be the same at every stage.... we're all learning, all the time, finding our feet together. It's going to be rocky some of the time I guess
I pass it over to R and head out to jewellery nightclass.

Scene five: calm... silver, gold, wonderful amethysts, chatter, distraction, laughter, creation.

and now: back home, almost prepared for tomorrow, the family are in bed asleep, it's peaceful, the clock ticks in the background...
I have some space coming up soon, gaps in the overflowing diary... There will be time to catch up with myself, time for the gym, time to organise Christmas, such as it is this year...

It's been a big day, yet just another day. I wonder at how I have been guided through some really tricky terrain at times and yet I'm still here.. we're still here...

I wonder if I'd have given up on God if somehow we hadn't made it this far...and yet I'm not asking to test that one out! I guess he has his reasons and for that I am grateful. Am grateful for the angels he has sent along the way too...the real live human ones who have been there when I needed them...

I wonder about a lot of things... at the end of the day that is mainly about what adventure lies ahead and what tomorrow might have in store...


So, on that note, I guess it's time for bed, and sleep, before it arrives all too quickly, x

Warmth, comfort, dreams dancing, mesmerising possibilities, prayers...
companionship

log fires are special
and are best shared...
on a cold and wintery evening
I wanted to share mine

x