"The world is as delicate and
as complicated as a spider's web.
If you touch one thread you send shudders running through all the other threads.
We're not just touching the web
we're tearing great holes in it..."
Gerald Durrell

unpacked some bits from Jersey Zoo from earlier in the year and came across this quote.
I went in search of a spiders web but didn't find any that were condusive to being photographed but became aware that the garden looks like it briefly awoke from winter and now is going back to sleep..
It is wild and untamed in parts.. too many parts perhaps...
but the bees are busy and the roses have buds and flowers and fallen flowers too....

I have neglected it all for a few weeks and both the house and the garden are showing obvious signs of being uncared for.

When one thing takes over another thing gives... the end of school and the start of a new job for me have taken up much of my time and energy.
Today I woke up to the reality that there are no fairies who come and 'do' while I am preoccupied.. I am my own cleaning / maintenance fairy...or something like that!!

I love the image of a spiders web.. love the way it is strong and flexible and yet so fragile too.
The same with so many things of life - our web of relationships and friendships too

while I have been preoccupied, life and nature has carried on living and growing and creating dust!!

I have neglected the balance of my own life.. I think that's fine now and again ... people are more important than things, and more important than gardens and houses.. but then again
everything deserves attention...

This evening I spent time with my Dad who has given up most of his day putting fences round trees which have been eaten around - almost totally by rabbits - not sure if they will live or die.. we think they will probably die.. it's the biggest strongest tree which is worst affected... so much of my childhood was walking round tending trees with him... after we planted them, together. It holds such memories.. 30 year old trees are quite something to behold... the colours and impact is amazing.. and still he plants more.. the kids have a tree each planted from seed when they were born... a horse chestnut and a sweet chestnut... their garden is my garden somehow... so full of memories and friendships and fun.. hay making and cows grazing, freesia growing and greenhouses too...and a wonderful friend who always told me the fairies wouldn't do it... a friend my Dad resuscitated too who went onto survive..many many years - don't let anyone tell you it doesn't work - it does!!

Where on earth is this post going..?

I guess it's all interlinked and inter related.. us, the land, trees, the balance... we concentrate on one area and another suffers,
memories, reality - the here and now - somehow it all links together , we are all important - it is all important... and somehow we all fit together...
it is the most amazing spiders web...

not sure I'll ever find the centre though!

Four seasons in one day...

Blogging from bed on a Sunday morning...
the boys are out on a cycle ride round the island.
I'm far more comfortable sitting here with a cup of tea and the early morning sun filtering through the curtains...I'm still hiding from the day, lingering in the half light listening to life outside.

I love the different seasons, I love sitting with the sun bathing the room in different warm colours and I also love sitting here listening to the pelt of rain and the howling wind

Am also thinking that life is nothing if not real.
And real is where we've been, where we are.

Yesterday I was reading 'The Secret life of Bees' and she says that "The world will give you that once in a while, a brief time out; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life"

I like that.

Now the truth is my life is far from beat-up at the moment, but it doesn't always feel like that.

Life just is real...

It is tougher than we are ever told, which is good because we'd all be scared to death of life if we knew in advance what lay ahead.
But we also cope with it as it comes to us, and perhaps we should be told that in advance.
In essence my life is good right now, but I've been struggling, we have been struggling together.
It's not that sense of responsibility and the frightening permanence of parenthood, it's not the letting go, it's not being scared of the future, or drugs or violence or any of the big issues I worry about..
there has been more than enough to worry about in the here and now.

None of us come with guide books, instruction manuals - sure people write things that seem to aim to fill that purpose and I guess they do help to a degree - I have some here that have been helpful at times, along with my friends and other parents, and the odd bottle of wine or two over the years!
When children are small there are definite developmental stages and for the most part we are guided through. School helps too, they more or less do the same things around about the same time.

Now though, we seem to have hit a divide - the rule book, for what it is worth has been thrown away, washed downstream (gone to be recycled with the wine bottles no doubt!), everyone is developing at their own rate, there is no planning, the vast open space of independence is beckoning and looks very enticing.
Yearnings, desires, feelings and emotions, learning not to react, reacting anyway, confusion, wanting security but wanting to exert independence and push the freedom boundaries all the same!

wanting boundaries, but not wanting to be controlled, or told, or guided even...

We are out of the estuary and lost at sea without a compass... learning to use the stars and seeking reassurance from them... but we're all alone in this boat and the best we can do is shout to others for encouragement... all of a sudden we're all at different points.
We scratch around for what might be of some practical help, relevant and useful...

we have had some really stormy times lately and then some days when we seem to have cracked it.. but it only lasts for that day - or that moment in a day - there is no time for complacency. We are kept on our toes!

I think we're doing ok - spoke to some other crew from a similar ship recently as we watched to sun go over the yardarm.. ok, we had dinner together over a few drinks and compared notes!!

I have seriously questioned the wisdom of some of our earlier choices but we live with them and their consequences in this reality, and who knows in another time, another place, if we could go back and do it all differently perhaps we would...or maybe not!

add to that family and financial matters, and it's easy to feel as if life has beaten me up and left me in need of dabs of mercy or grace...

thats what the sun feels like this morning... grace in my corner.

which is wonderful when the winds can change at any time and frequently do - and we can end up with four seasons in one day...


and as it's in my head... the lyrics!

Four seasons in one day
Lying in the depths of your imagination
Worlds above and worlds below
The sun shines on the black clouds hanging over the domain

Even when youre feeling warm
The temperature could drop away
Like four seasons in one day

Smiling as the shit comes down
You can tell a man from what he has to say
Everything gets turned around
And I will risk my neck again, again

You can take me where you will
Up the creek and through the mill
All the things you cant explain
Four seasons in one day

Blood dries up
Like rain, like rain
Fills my cup
Like four seasons in one day

It doesnt pay to make predictions
Sleeping on an unmade bed
Finding out wherever there is comfort there is pain
Only one step away
Like four seasons in one day

Blood dries up
Like rain, like rain
Fills my cup
Like four seasons in one day

Hot Bubbles...

It's in and when you're in it you can't see the mess that is left to sort around it!
Last night was our first chance to try it out...

the views are better than the photos - they are just gorgeous and it is so peaceful and calm



later we need to try it in the dark - we have lights in it too... and some floating ones I bought a while back!
we meant to last night but were so relaxed we fell asleep ~ I think I'm going to like it :) In fact I already do!!

If being good isn't working, try being outrageous!

My thought for today, from a photo montage, put together for S from her wonderful teacher...
Words of wisdom perhaps, or has she seen the other side to my daughter?

We all need to be outrageous now and again...break the mould, run wild and free...do things that surprise us and others

rebel even...revitalise and connect with a new zest, feel the wind in our hair and inhale the scent of adventure in the breeze...

no-one likes to feel trapped or suffocated, we need air and space to grow and develop and become..


my list of outrageous possibilities is growing...


and as an aside, I would love to see some people's faces if I dared do some of them... ;)

Rewards

Coffee mornings when the children were small nurtured an aversion in me to people bragging about their children. I figured that we were all proud of our children as individuals, and that somehow, as long as we knew, and they knew, how proud we were of them, then the 'one up man ship' was unnecessary. That's not to say achievements shouldn't be celebrated and rewarded... but being intrinsically who you are should be and is good enough...
we always try to ensure both children know without a shadow of a doubt that we are proud of who they are...

Which is why I always sit through speech day in two minds...

In the past, as a pupil, I have both sat while everyone else seemed to receive prizes and have also, on occasion, received more than my fair share of prizes.

It always runs to the same formula, and yesterday was no exception...
Starting with the school hymn.. "He who would valiant be, 'gainst all disaster"
It still stirs me singing it today...years of association...

As a parent I admit to always sitting there hoping that someone somehow will acknowledge something of the effort I know my child has put in. The most we have had has been something in assembly the next day for progress or effort... not one of the big ones you have to go on stage for...

Which is why there was such a surge of emotion and delight and filling of pride when it was announced that S had won not just the form prize but the maths prize and the history prize too... they don't tell them in advance and it was just as much a surprise for her as it was for me.
She has worked quietly and efficiently... I don't have to badger her over her work and she has taken such a pride in everything recently.. so perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised..as she trotted across the stage five times in total.. another twice for being a librarian and to accept her leaving gift.
Such big changes...

and when I congratulated her afterwards, she looked at me and said... "what for?"....
a girl taking it all in her stride - a stride that is getting ever longer...

later we talked and she told me how good it felt to be rewarded for her efforts...I can almost see her confidence growing day to day...and that is good too.




Tonight was her leaving evening at school - entertainment from the girls and a party to say good bye...
a spectacular evening seeing them close up and just how they have grown and developed into their own individual characters, a wonderful puppet show, again featuring their amazing soft puppets from earlier in the term, and then a compilation of memories set to music that left, as they say, not a dry eye in the house...
Blessed with amazing memories. This school has been so good for S, but what struck me yesterday so strongly as she walked across the stage, head held high, very rightly so...was that it was noone but her who really achieved that. We can help and encourage, we can try and set the right environment for learning, we can guide and cajole even... but in the end the only person who could do the work and who could decide to work as hard as she did was her...
This school and these teachers have given her the confidence to continue to strive and as she started to flourish they have fed her and nurtured her, letting her develop at her own pace.

It's emotional and will continue to be - last day is tomorrow...

These days are precious.
In some way we have been working towards this...
it's amazing and beautiful, and we're only part way through the story. It is like finishing a chapter and taking a breath before starting the next...

Each of their lives a novel or a play waiting to be discovered...and us, privileged not only to be witnessing it, but to be an integral part and involved directly in it...all with our parts to play.

For some it continues at boarding school and the girls don't know when they will see each other again, but most of them will meet up again later this year if not before...but surely the curtain is closing on one part of their childhood and they are stepping out on another stage...

I sincerely wish I wasn't working tomorrow morning, am exhausted physically and emotionally... roll on the summer holidays :)

Their last song...

Days of devils, kings and clowns
Angel songs and birthday tunes
Valentines and wishing wells
Magic stairways, moons, and Junes
Silly rhymes and monkeyshines
Pictures on a stage
Round and round the records go
Time to turn the page

This will be our last song together
Words will only make us cry
This will be our last song together
There´s no other way we can say good-bye

Misty faces, far off places
Came and danced across the stage
Sha la la´s and Doo be down´s
The sounds that chased away the blues
Yesterday is yesterday
The past is dead and gone
Nostalgia just gets in the way
Let´s stop hanging on

This will be our last song together
Words will only make us cry
This will be our last song together
There´s no other way we can say good-bye

Now we go our separate ways
And leave the world we used to know
Scratchy worn out 45´s
An echo on the radio
The tra la days are over
Those days of me and you
And now we know that breaking up is
Really hard to do

This will be our last song together
Words will only make us cry
This will be our last song together
There´s no other way we can say good-bye

There´s no other way we can say good-bye...

Warming whirlwinds

Caught in a wonderful whirl wind of moments...if only I could stay awake long enough at the computer to blog...

amongst it all, a word... I think I only ever hear it once a year and it makes me smile every time..



'Quintessentially'...

Quintessential...




what a wonderful word, which, in essence, conjures up all kinds of feelings :)

Beekeeping ,day one, was really quite a pleasant surprise!

The proximity of the beach to the hive didn't dawn on me until I dropped R off.
There was no time to achieve anything of real value before I had to collect him, so I spent a most welcome hour soaking up the sun and the gentle sounds of the wind and waves and birds and absorbing the glorious colours of the ocean.
I love the patterns in the rocks and the battered boat resting close to shore.
Time to muse... a problem shared with the right person certainly makes a difference and it was a much more relaxed me that contemplated life and my small family as I sat waiting for his return.

So far noone has been stung, and we are looking forward to tomorrow.
I have the map of where to go and have worked out the nearest beach, just in case the weather is favourable and there is nothing else pressing to do...

The final countdown...

All the school books are now home, desks emptied, we've had the introduction evening for the new school and each day there are more good bye activities... more endings, while the light of new beginnings glimmers brightly beckoning in the wings...
today is the talent show..
The talk is of who will be in whose class, which teachers they will have...and of the holiday looming ahead.
This week we promised ears pierced too... not quite a rite of passage but something akin to it I guess!!

Meantime R is on activity week.... and I hold my breath as I say... beekeeping.... I hold my breath and we wait to see... I do trust the school know exactly what they are doing ~ it's him and not me thankfully - you wouldn't get me in one of those white hooded suits messing with bees for anything...!!

It's time for slow calm breathing...

perhaps we'll get some honey out of it...?? :)

Oh, and in update, apologies, but please bear with me - I have enabled comment moderation - I don't want to put any of you off from leaving comments but it was something I felt I had to do - for now at least...x

The next step...

My initial training is over...:)
we have had danger, response, shout for help, airway and breathing till it's second nature...
The material was nothing new to me but it's good to have guidance on it's delivery and to have it drummed into you until it is second nature...

so when reference was made to this I had to look it up....
he always reminds me of when R had had his tonsils out and his were the only funny videos they had on the ward...



How not to do CPR :)

I think I won't be showing this to the children I am teaching later this year...

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'

Quite a long time ago I remember reading children's thoughts on God.
Here apparently are some children's thoughts on love that arrived in my inbox earlier..

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does 'love' mean?'

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

'Love is when my Mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mummy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'
Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,' Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

'My Mummy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day'
Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image)
Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'

When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need.

don't even try to clip their wings....

sometimes I wonder if the whole of this life is about letting go...
letting go of all kinds of things.
Nothing we are given is ever for keeps
thats why we have to appreciate it when we have it

but I have also realised how belligerent I can become when faced with those who try to stop me letting go...
recently there have been a couple of occasions I have witnessed others trying to clip wings of fledglings ready to fly and it hurts so much...
I have realised how cruel it is.
however painful it is for us as parents, we have to do this, and I am amazed at the strength of feeling inside.
I do not want to lose either of them, but I am failing them on a very deep level if I don't let them try out their newly found wings and help them fly alone ~ I can't believe how hard that is ~ but compared to the alternative.. I don't see an alternative ~ not if I am looking at their best interests, and ultimately my own.
We are given them to let them go.

I hope they know their roots are solid.
I hope their cheekiness and cockiness to us in measured amounts and in good humour means they feel secure.

S is away in France this week with school
we hadn't expected to hear from her but she has just called..
said she was encouraged to, although we had been told they wouldn't...
mixed messages...

I worry more about her independence being taken away than her having it.

thats a 'wow moment' of realisation and one I have been preoccupied with lately...

perhaps it should be a reassurance that although we are never ready for these moments when they arrive, in fact we have no choice over them arriving - they find us and so ultimately we shouldn't worry about them. We can relax and enjoy what we have when we have it...



Now helping others to let go when we're struggling with it ourselves is a tough cookie... and such are some of our basic instincts that it can be hard to overcome.
When someone is being mean and nasty to your child it is hard to teach them the right way to deal with it... hard to always see the right way to deal with it...

I learned a lot from karate about discipline and controlling the urge to fight back...about defence and walking away...
walking away is a hard thing to teach.
Letting go is hard when you're young and fired up and hearing things that provoke, that are designed to provoke a reaction....
but if not reacting can be learnt early on then I am sure it prevents problems later on.

years can bring some kind of wisdom I guess but it doesn't stop the primal urge to defend those closest to you... to fight because you know you can, (and in truth it would feel so good to let the frustration out)...so it is important that the head really does rule the heart in some circumstances...

I imagine letting go will be a continuing theme in my thinking...

people only show their true beauty to the world when they are free... and secure and happy in their freedom to be themselves, free to express who they are and be accepted for who they are...

I want my children to be seen to be as uniquely beautiful as I know they are...

Hettie's guide to Nashia

I know, nothing for a while then twice in one day! :)

This morning I took Rocky the rabbit for his injections and while I waited I picked up the most wonderful book
"Hettie's guide to Nashia" by Sean Corlett, beautifully written, and fantastically illustrated.

I know I was almost reluctant to have animals because I knew they would die and we would be left with distraught children and at that time I had so much of it at work I didn't really want to have to deal with it at home too. I wondered about the wisdom of just not inviting additional unnecessary grief into our family. However, now, weighed against the benefits we have experienced I am pleased I ignored those protective instincts and the easier path and allowed the children to have their pets.

I know how beneficial books can be for children (and adults) trying to make sense of whats going on and so I was intrigued to find this gem, written about a dog who has died and gone to 'Nashia'. I wish I had had it as part of our library when I worked with bereaved children.

The only problem is it hasn't got an ISBN number and isn't listed anywhere I can find.
The vets were clueless about where it had come from, but it has a local printers label inside so I will try them...

and so I am writing about a beautiful book that deserves to be published properly and widely available...

I would want a copy knowing our pets will die one day in the not too distant future.

Makes me wonder just how many fantastic books are out there lurking, undiscovered, hidden treasures...

Silence...

curiously little to blog...
Many personal reflections, too real to be abstracted for this space, and by the time they can be, they will have passed
and other stories, which much as they impact my life, are not mine to share.
this space has been quiet, but life has been far from it
In some ways I find that strange, as I always imagined this would be somewhere that would reflect what was happening in real life, in my head, without necessarily being a diary...



It has however been glorious weather, which meant that when S was swimming on friday I was naturally drawn outside, finally coming to rest in a patch of sun at the foot of an old tree, slightly down hill and surrounded by the dappled sunlight from the neighbouring trees. The sea was visible through a gap in the foliage and the birds were the only ones chattering amongst themselves in my vicinity.
I breathed deeply and relaxed back, looking at the sky through the trees, watching the clouds moving on their deep blue background changing shapes.
For a while the world was peaceful....I was alone and noone could see me, a haven of tranquility amidst the chaos of friday evening. Even if they could see me I didn't care. Somehow the world makes more sense lying down...and even more sense lying down absorbing nature.
Half an hour later I emerged into the real world feeling like I had just discovered some huge secret, a sanctuary...
I had found a key that fitted, even if only for that day... that moment...

that space, that time, was mine. It was precious and peaceful and perfect.

An escape in the midst of chaos and noise.

looking for the heart of saturday night...

It wasn't forecast to be the easiest of weeks, friends and serious health problems and friends staying who we hadn't seen since the funeral earlier this year...
Fortunately it has been a whole lot easier than I thought it was going to be.
Our friend is going to be ok and the grief although still raw was helped by being able to hold and touch and talk and be together.
Physical presence is so powerful, and vital, a reassurance in the face of death which is just so final.
that's it - he's not going to be here physically ever again, not to hear or feel or touch.
finding ways to cope with the reality of that surely is a challenge...

I don't have any answers - seems I don't have any answers for much at the moment...too many difficult questions...

But it did make me think, because in some ways it's easy to think of ourselves as vulnerable and exposed and fragile, especially when there is so much out there to feel hurt by. It's almost easier to focus on our weakness than it is on our strength...

This photo takes me back to London, to smoky bars, late nights, a special group of friends, Guiness, whiskey and beer, and to Tom Waits, The The, The Pogues and other music which made for some thoughtful, interesting, wonderful evenings. Evenings that somehow helped me get through a couple of very difficult years.... made me realise we are all tougher than we think we are, but that we all need each other to reinforce our ability to put one foot in front of another - to keep on and not to give up... it's hard to believe in yourself if others don't believe in your ability too somehow...

It was good to stop for a while and to remind myself that actually there is a well of strength that can be drawn on when it's needed, it tends to lurk at the bottom whilst our weaknesses float to the top and stop us seeing so deeply... but we do cope when we have to.

In the event I didn't really need to draw from that well... perhaps it was enough to know it was there... and I am thankful for that.

I don't drink whiskey, but I can't get these lyrics out of my head from The Pogues... fond tough memories....


"I am going, I am going
Any which way the wind may be blowing
I am going, I am going
Where streams of whiskey are flowing"...

summer dreaming

The coo of woodpigeons reminds me of summer afternoons outside revising, sprawled out on the grass surrounded by books and drinks trying to absorb facts and quotes and details and longing for a time when exams were no longer a part of my life... when I was free to live as I wanted ~ to be adult seemed so magical, so wonderful, so unattainable.... so far away.

In the here and now, revision is over, exams are finished, the first full week of them has been and gone.... we survived - thats the whole family ~ it is a whole family thing.
We reached the weekend exhausted, needing to collapse and recover but instead momentum carried us forwards, and so we start another week flying!
Now we're counting the weeks until the sumer holidays and time to stretch out with a drink listening to the birds again...

before then summer concerts and school trips, activity weeks and swimming galas... Whoever said Summer days were lazy didn't mean these days!
I managed to miss sports day for S because it was called 'house athletics' and not plain old 'Sports day' so it didn't jump out at me and I had rearranged a training day which clashed with it...! The only sports day I have ever missed.
If only people would say what they mean instead of making it sound more than it is.

Hayfever has set in this weekend, which, together with some kind of sumer throat/ear thing which brings back memories from earlier this year, is stretching my patience which I really hate.

Too soon we'll be saying goodbye to junior school completely ~ thats a strange feeling...
a whole era.
Memories, fond memories thankfully...
it is very hard to process that fact - we live through it, experiencing it and then wonder where it has gone and where were we while it was happening? How can I have missed it happening?
How can I become more sponge like, more absorbent?

My life turns inwards when holidays approach - am looking forward to being able to do that this year without having to always be conscious of and attentive to the distractions of holiday makers around the place.

The quest for independence is being felt - mates calling round for bike rides, trips to the beach together without adults around., meeting up in town... the first steps on the road to not needing us around as much.
We work to let them go.... thats what we strive towards.... baby giant steps....
An invitation for S to go away with a friend in the summer. It would be a great adventure - almost famous five like I imagine... but one person has pulled out, so we'll have to wait and see. Enid Blyton may have been great to read but it's nothing to living it for real....

Our Summer is full and full of promise - it stretches ahead of us like a long and unspoilt beach waiting to be explored, waiting for the first footprints to be made, castles to be made, treasure to be discovered, dams and bridges, holes and steps to be made and dug...

adventures to be had...

the sun is out, suncream is on, hats in school bags... and the air is full of anticipation...

Reflection

Reflection...a word that has infiltrated my life at every turn ~ aswell as being and doing, I'm asked to reflect.... and to document my reflections every step of the way too.... so that (almost) no one area of my life can not be reflected on, dissected and scrutinised towards some certifiable end! The personal reflections are just as important as the rest of it I am told.


Shel Silverstein offered me these thoughts on reflection

Each time I see the Upside-Down Man
Standing in the water,
I look at him and start to laugh,
Although I shouldn't oughtter.
For maybe in another world
Another time
Another town,
Maybe HE is right side up
And I am upside down.


Who knows?
my distorted sense of reality likes that.

Friends...

We must not think that our love has to be extraordinary.
But we do need to love without getting tired.
How does a lamp burn?
Through the continuous input of small drops of oil.
These drops are the small things of daily life: faithfulness, small words of kindness, a thought for others, our way of being quiet, of looking, of speaking, and of acting.
They are the true drops of love
that keep our lives and relationships burning like a lively flame.
- Mother Teresa



Coffee with good friends this morning.... our girls started school together but then were separated when they moved up into year three and now there will be another change moving up yet again...
somehow though the adults have kept in touch and stayed friends... odd perhaps, since I never really did the outside the school gate chat thing very well...
somehow through the constant drip of contact, coffee and barbeques and meeting at swimming, odd afternoons spent together and sharing various crises over the years, we have formed strong bonds ~ this morning I realised, maybe stronger than I thought...
perhaps the constant drip is the key... both the constant and the drip together...

and then even from far away... an e mail from a friend in Japan that had me laughing as I read it.... no idea if we'll ever see each other again... almost seems impossible to imagine that we might not, and not something I want to imagine... we met when I was 14... again drips of communication over the many years have been enough to keep us friends despite the distance...

There isn't always time for much more than drops of friendship... however, they are more valuable over time than I had thought... and I think they provide a stronger foundation than I had realised...

the missing piece...

In the first side room on the left, as you walked onto the ward, a small child aged 2 1/2 with the most gorgeous caramel skin, soft and warm, reached his arms out for love to anyone who came in.

Arms wrapped tightly round my neck, beautiful silky soft curls against my cheek, brushing against my nose, his gorgeous scent infusing my brain with love, two souls touching, gently rocking, skin touching, one speaking words, both absorbing the feelings..

his reason for being in hospital ~ injuries inconsistent with the story given... burns that were self evident...

now he will be 18+...

I wonder what he is doing, how he is...

he was the reason I was going to adopt - regardless... plus a fear of the pain I witnessed of childbirth - thankfully it wasn't as bad as I had thought when I got there! But I do wonder how he is, what he is doing... how his life worked out?
As a vulnerable 19 year old, my thinking was changed, massively, by him...

thanks to Under the overpasses for reminding me of people who have changed my thinking...
a child too young to verbalise his own desires changed me - and still now I can return to those days...
so many people with lives and stories...
perspective.... some too painful to share here...


Wouldn't it be fantastic if you could keep hold of a perfect moment for ever?
The feelings, the scent, the closeness...
one of the reasons I don't want my kids to grow up....after a tough day they make it all, alright...
they have an individual scent on their necks, strongest behind their ears, which I could get high on. I wish I could bottle it...

arms reaching for you, holding tight... love in it's purest form...
My son is now as tall as me.. his hugs are amazing... they always have been...

nothing other than thoughts and memories...

Without people and stories I head towards books.....

that's what I miss....

Thresholds, beauty, wonder and light...

Each day there are thousands of interactions, images and thoughts presented to us, creating a myriad of thoughts and feelings...
too many to process or single out, too many to fully appreciate sometimes.. we deal with things and move on...
Time whilst seemingly going slow at times and feeling as if we are not really going anywhere, in fact races by
not enough time to catch up with people I want to, not enough time to fit everything in to each day, nearly another school year has passed, and yet if we don't stop and appreciate the moment then soon the kids will have left home and be away...
Revision, exams, hormones, adventures, fraught conversations, divorce, death, separation, the frailty of being human, stressed out folk struggling and sharing the harshness of their situations....realities of life all around us... so easy to be weighed down and caught up with it all....overwhelmed

however, we cope even if we feel we don't - I know in some situations and on some days, just existing is coping...

but what scares me, is that somehow at the end of it all I will have spent so much energy in just getting through it, that I won't have truly enjoyed living it... to have sucked everything out of each moment and savoured it as it deserved...

even the tough times...

John O'Donohue is a popular man at the moment in the blogs I frequent on my sidebar... but he has a lot to say that is wise and wonderful.
As I dipped into one of his books this morning - and it is a gorgeously sunny one, I read the words "The earth is full of thresholds where beauty awaits the wonder of our gaze."
Indeed it is , it is overflowing with them... and I wish I could see more deeply, more insightfully than I do... there's a challenge, that I wonder comes easiest when we try the least...

He also says that "In wild places light illuminates beauty" which I love...and have mentioned here before...
light searching out dark corners and hidden possibilities... he talks of wild landscapes reminding us of unsearched territories of the mind and I have an image of how even a tiny glimmer of light can change a landscape and show us a way forward, of hope, even when there seems to be none.

meaningful phrases for me today from his book 'Beauty the invisible embrace', that I thought I'd share, thoughts I will ponder and digest and take forward with me today...

Caring... would life be easier if we could just stop caring and feeling for a while...?

It is such a simple word, something we encourage our children to do, something that is seen as a good quality...desirable

most certainly distinct from love, yet somewhere along the line caring and loving intertwine and become one without distinction....

To care is human, it comes from within, somewhere we can't place
we don't choose who we care about, or what we care about...
caring comes upon us, from us, and just is.

Caring, like loving, can make us vulnerable, open, exposed....
and yet we can't choose not to care
we can say we don't care...
we can choose to walk away and give the appearance of not caring...
we can build walls and barriers, keep ourselves busy and distracted and try not to show it...
practice our best nonchalant look,
use all our best verbal and non verbal skills to put on a convincing act...

at best we can fool ourselves into believing we are hard and strong and don't care...

But we all need people to care for us and we all need to be wanted.
We care, regardless of whether it is reciprocated or not.

However, when we care, when we put ourselves out there, and when it is rejected, or feels like we are being shunned,
when we give because we have no choice in giving,
because it comes from that deep inner part of us that is pure and feels love for another person regardless of the outer hurts we have suffered...

but we are turned away or ignored...

the truth is, it hurts, and pain creeps in, searing, heart-rending pain,
but it doesn't stop us from caring...

we can reason, we can look to past experiences and be logical
and we may act in self preservation.....

we do walk away, we do build barriers, we act.... we convince the world, we try and convince ourselves, but inside we don't convince our hearts...
our hearts still hurt, our hearts still care.

Our hearts, our feelings don't stand up to reason...
if they did we would stop caring....

it might be foolish, it does make fools of us.... for that very reason

but that's it's beauty....

it keeps us living....stops us from totally shutting down,
keeps in touch with that soft vulnerable perfect centre that just can't help but feel, and recognises the same in others...

and keeps on giving chances long after logic would say enough....

it's late...words to follow tomorrow....

Half term madness...

These half terms come round so fast.... so fast I hadn't even realised and had booked to work for some of it.
Our two kids had the bank holiday off and are now back at school, so no lie in for us! R junior has exams...
The other R has the whole week off and is busy marking exam work ~ no rest for him either.
S is happy with her new found passion for baking ~ she can do it all on her own... and desperately wants me to let her loose with the ironing....!!
I knew it would happen one day!!

This should be luxury time when R and I reconnect with alone time - but it seems alone time still means sitting alongside each other while we work...:) companionable silence and occasional chatter... we could almost be at school too, though I should be doing other things than blogging and catching up on various posts, but it's an easy distraction I haven't had much time for of late!


Meanwhile, we live with the cauldron of hormones simmering and frantically bubbling away, occasionally spitting at anyone who tries to get too close to it....
exams disturb it too ~ nerves and hormones are a highly exothermic mix likely to scald anyone who goes too near without protection, of which we are trying various forms.... cake and chocolate are popular and fairly good protection ~ helpful suggestions are the least effective barrier to burns so far...

other times the cauldron holds a warm and comforting brew, maturing nicely, and reassuring us that it will be the most magnificent vintage in a few years...
it's good now, just developing it's unique delicious flavours...

I'm learning to be grateful for the calm and peaceful moments...
and still trying to cope with the spitting ones...

It is so tempting to bubble and spit back.... but possibly not the most helpful response...


It's challenging, but I'm thinking that most rewards are gained from things that challenge us and I wouldn't want it any other way, being honest..


for today, small but satisfying pleasures await... a trip for new stationery for my new job.... I love to lose myself in stationers, and in book stores.... so I might be some time... :)

Reflections at the end of the day...

Quiet moments sitting looking at the sand, the glorious sunset only just visible, reflected in the ripples, an ever changing glimpse of the spectacular scene going on above it ~ the end of a long day...

thoughts unravelling, slowly with the water, synchronised with the ebb and flow,

if only life were so simple, so predictable...

and yet, the gentle reflections are only there when it is so calm and peaceful ~ with more stillness comes more reflection ~ more depth visible.

More often it is wild and stormy, rough with white horses riding across the bay...
spray whipping in your face, reminding you of your insignificance and powerlessness...
strangely calming too....

the sea holds all my secrets, my thoughts, my passions...
as a child, and as an adult too...
I don't know where it takes them, but I spill them all out, sat watching, sometimes sharing with someone, sometimes alone,
peaceful reflections, stormy thoughts, deepest wishes and desires... hopes and possibilities...

mixed and mingled with all the others who open their hearts to the sea...

breathing in and out with the tide...
deep, soul reviving, salty breaths,

waiting for it to answer me back...
so that one day, whatever it is, it might all make sense...

and yet still there will be more questions, more thoughts, more ponderings....


the magic broken only by the call back to today, to living, to now...
my secret innermost thoughts, hopes, desires and yearnings left safe and floating out to sea caught on the wind that touches the waves...

Just for fun!

October 1991... after work I would pick up beer, tobacco and dark rum and diet coke, and head to a R's student house where we would spend evenings losing ourselves in music and ideas for various projects...

the cat and dog became our friends... once made, they took on their own characters and travelled round London integrating with various parts of life...

rusty and old, battered and worn.... the first and the best of various projects.... well, the most fun!!! They saw the sights and they travelled with us...

they tell their own story...



I was reminded of them during my trip to London.... the slightly bizarre days before money became important enough to do something sensible!

A new direction...

Amidst the whirlwind of disappearing to London for a couple of days, athletics trips for R and school puppet shows for S, a spattering of new ideas for projects in the future, and various meetings, I still hadn't given up the quest for a new direction...

a quest that has taken me to unknown pastures these past two years...floudering and aimless...

alien, and new territory for a girl on a mission, a girl with direction, a map of where she was going, or at least a yellow brick road to follow...and a dream that would carry her through.

All has been cast aside apart from the dream....

I have grieved a job of all things....

grieved the families I have let down, abandoned when I wouldn't have wanted to be abandoned myself, have known the wretchedness of abandonment myself and have felt their pain at one more loss, one more person who wasn't going to be there when they needed them, when they needed someone constant and reliable...

I have appreciated their kind words and their acknowledgment of what I have done, yet felt guilty that I couldn't hang on in there for them... and had that guilt compounded by others looking to shift responsibility....

I have accepted reluctantly that some things are just not feasible for one person to do alone...

reluctantly, but I have accepted that...

friends and family have been wonderful, and slowly, but surely, I have worked through those feelings...

wandering lost in a forest, wandering down paths that promised much but ended abruptly..

until today that is....

when a new post, a new opportunity which came my way has opened up a new path...

back to teaching in schools, and back to my roots of first aid and with stories to add authenticity from my accident and emergency days...

a challenge, but one I have risen to before - less so this time because first aid doesn't bring up the same taboos as death and loss... and schools are keen to have me in.

so we have been celebrating a little, it is term time only and no weekends... a huge bonus....!

I get to look after my family and myself... time for all the various aspects of life...

there is a little guilt at feeling so pleased, so totally chuffed...
not that long ago I was the girl who was turned down and that didn't feel good at all... rejection hurts and yet I know it's life.... and so we're celebrating this being a good day in our house...

I have also had a couple of wonderful phone calls from people I haven't heard from in ages.... out of the blue on the same day.

and yesterday while I was preparing for my interview I was provided with some beautiful soul medicine from itunes with an album from Beth Rowley - I had downloaded her free single of the week a while back and was notified of this album, which (I think) is beautiful.....

loved this one inparticular... will always remember it playing as I scrolled through the training manual cd!

"Angel flying too close to the ground "

If you had not have fallen

Then I would not have found you

Angel flying too close to the ground

And I patched up your broken wing

And hung around a while

Tried to keep your spirits up

And your fever down

I knew someday that you would fly away

For love's the greatest healer to be found

So leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground

Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound

I'd rather see you up

Than see you down

Leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground

Doubt..

Validation is so important -
it is so easy to doubt
to doubt ourselves,
to doubt our very being
feel worthless in comparison
in comparison to others who sparkle more brightly...
who have so much more to give
who are more gifted....more everything, than we could ever be....

would we be human if we didn't?
are there humans who don't, even sometimes?

sometimes just being us, being who we are, is so hard...

we fail so often,
feel so small..
contribute so little..

or do we...
do we really...?



Have just seen a wonderful film - Freedom writers...
we rarely get time to watch films...
but this was good...
it's also rare we would watch a film a second time around but this one we most certainly will be ...

The world is round. It has always felt to me as if I am witnessing some kind of miracle when I am absorbed watching the sun set, a sense of wonder at the knowledge that it will rise again tomorrow regardless... one of the few things we can be certain of... and in the knowledge that others on the planet are experiencing a part of the very same cycle of light and beauty.. or of darkness and stars... all connected.

After Dana closed down her laptop ready to leave for her trip, I looked out at the evening sky across the bay from where I was sitting and watched as our day here was ending. The sky was slowly but surely transformed as crimson and yellow hues flooded across it setting it on fire before finally dipping below the horizon.
By the time it had risen the following morning she would have flown through that sky, across oceans, and her adventure would have begun....
and I was going to join her for part of it....

The joy of finally communicating face to face was just that - without the constraints of the written word via e mail, and the delayed responses from living in different zones, we could communicate fully, tell stories, fill in gaps, explain, back track, go off course and come back, laugh, smile, observe, take photos, drink tea, wine and beer, walk, get lost, reorientate, and just hang out exploring the various colours of London town....
All luxuries not afforded any other way.

We also met up with Pip and Joan for the most fantastic meal and lots more getting to know each other... Truly Beautiful People, beautiful, wonderful feelings....a really special evening.



As I fly back home I am thinking that I'm not sure if we can always make the choice to squeeze every drop of living out of our lives, or if sometimes we find ourselves in situations where life somehow grabs a hold of us and squeezes us anyway. That once the initial choice is made, we have no choice, other than to participate and engage fully in the whirlwind of treasured moments.
This was, without doubt, a life squeezing couple of days that required little effort on my part....colours have been added to my world, and the adventure, the script, is most certainly unfolding as it should....

The world is round(ish anyway) and we are all connected somehow on it, by virtue of living.
Email and blogging, the internet, afford us the luxury of communication across continents and oceans and this was a golden opportunity to add depth and strength to connections already made.
This weekend our worlds came closer and finally touched, connections turned into stronger bonds, a confirming reassurance of friendship and connection when we have to return to snippets exchanged across the world between inboxes....

A special, magical, and truly memorable trip....

Thank you Dana, Thank you Pip and Thank you Joan.

"All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle."

Marilyn Monroe

I have always loved this quote... love the idea of everyone finding a way to twinkle and shine wherever they are, in whatever colour they want...and even when they aren't twinkling brightly it's just because they aren't in the light right then...not that they can't or don't..

also, why is it when we struggle the most to shine, that in fact we shine the least...? Just thinking...
and when we relax and allow ourselves to just be, we shine so brightly.....

I am blessed to have some wonderful stars in my life, all radiating light and sparkle just by being themselves...
it's a popular day for friends birthdays today - five sparkling stars who are in my thoughts today.

I also have my own stars close to home - R junior who has been chosen to compete in an athletics competition tomorrow in Bournemouth (we will have to get up at 4.45 to be ready to leave in time!)....steps of independence and wonderful experiences already....

S has her puppet show too - not the toilet roll body puppets we made when I was at school but soft puppets - fully stringed, and dressed in the most amazing outfits...full of character and so realistic... in production for nearly a year now, and finally finished with all the scenery and scripts practised to perfection...I will see it tomorrow evening while R collects from the airport...


As we sat in the car next to each other a few days ago I noticed her eyes...borrowing my makeup and copying what I do....exactly how I do it... and the whole role model thing struck me...hard.
Now and again the responsibility, aswell as the absolute fun and the joy hits me... how influencial we can be.. without realising it.
It is in the little things that we notice the most at times. and once again I find myself hoping that my influence as a role model is sufficiently grounded and secure, and based on reality and important things to.....

well, that ultimately it IS sufficient...

sufficient to give them what they need
and that whilst some of what they each need is the same, it is also so very unique...
and there are some things they need from that other part of me, the part I married, and share with them, their Dad...

they need his qualities as a role model too, and I should stop trying to think I can and should have to fill both of these on my own - we all have our own unique gifts to bring, and together they add up, and, like us, they will gather what they need from all the stars in their own personal universes...

I am also thinking of the stars who have joined me from the world of blogging - when I read earlier that Shaz is finally cured after her gruelling journey of illness this past year, I was so happy... so truly delighted... what brilliant news...

and Dana, who I am going to finally meet later this week... along with Pip , stars who illuminate my world even more as their light spills over into mine...

and all those who are listed in my side bar..... when I come past your blog spaces they do just that...

I haven't been around much lately and apologise for that.. but you do all add light to my days... thank you, x

almost all to ourselves..

I hadn't wanted any fuss, any big thing... just quiet and peaceful.. and they listened and so we escaped to this piece of heaven on earth to celebrate and let another year tick by...

It was perfect...
whole beaches just for us, and untouched sand, just like newly fallen snow - a shame to ruin it but fantastic fun to play on and mess up knowing the sea would come back in and make it clean and fresh again


we played frisbee and S did cartwheels all over the beach - we laughed and played - such freedom.... we played until there was no more light left to play in....
and so we had to go home...


and we had to have our photos taken on this rock before we did.... :)


We did lots of fun things - scrambled from one bay to another - which was brilliant and I did enjoy it, although I had insisted that I didn't need shoes on - I never did as a child when we went scrambling....
It was fine - but those rocks were sharper than I had bargained for!
It did however preserve my nail varnish which R chose to comment on as we were half way round... (so incredibly helpful!) :)

We also played tennis - in a fashion.... as a family which showed us that some of the family are gifted with ball skills and others of us are not... I struggled all through school with it and had to practice very hard to be acceptable... poor S is following in my footsteps.. although we did make sure we looked the part on court and kept smiling... ;)
As soon as that was over we could go shopping though and S is considerably better at that!

We also found this lovely caterpillar - I can't remember what he grows up to be - a moth or a butterfly... but we took Jeffrey with us on our walk for a while and he shared in our adventures for part of the day until we returned him to his home...


Couldn't think of a better way to have spent my birthday....

It's taken a while to settle back into life on planet earth...

I'm getting there slowly...

Hi I'm fine thank you... sorry for not being around much - I do plan on catching up ...
I escaped to an island - was abducted by my husband and children for my birthday - it was truly wonderful...
felt loved and cared for, loved being free and absorbing nature around me...
made sense of a few things, and saw others in a new light....
cried tears of love for those who aren't here to share any more and for those who I have reconnected with outwardly as a result....
Have been caught up since I returned, thoughts to digest and not focused on my blogging at all....
tonight was the first time I had felt I wanted to... and then I couldn't.. until now!
I will be visiting, I will be commenting.. I am and have been thinking...
and I will update here - thank you for your comments... I have just been busy unravelling thoughts.. x

Information...

More blood tests today - still on the trail to find the cause of my swollen joints.

In the process they have uncovered a piece of information which, had we known, could possibly have changed our world drastically as we struggled with recurrent miscarriages before we had R.

So although it changes nothing now, and we are very blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children, my brain refuses to let go of it until I have chewed it into oblivion, and processed it from every angle possible, relived the past, even though I don't really want to, and come back to living in the present, in the here and now...
really it changes nothing, but it possibly explains a lot, a lot more than just the miscarriages too... and that is good, I think...

Information is a strange thing - once you have it, you have little choice, even if you don't want to, you have to find something to do with it... somewhere for it to sit comfortably.

For now this bit is sitting uncomfortably shifting from side to side, not quite settled yet...

and so the focus on the here and now...

A beautiful, moody, illuminating, early evening sky

The wonder that is e cycle brought with it a real blast from the past straight into my kitchen!
R went out to pick up some big frames for art work that were being given away, and returned with these framed posters.... I'm not sure I can let him take the Lee jeans advert guy, or Patrick out of their frames... it would seem such a shame...
my posters were always stuck on the wall with blu-tack... but this girl obviously knew how to take care of her heroes...
And Roxette... I'd almost forgotten them and "it must have been love" and "joyride"!


I also spent an evening in a classroom with one of my old class mates from school days...
bizarre how, after years of not seeing each other, we can end up in class again...
and I was consciously aware of perceptions and how different I am now to then... and wondering what thoughts were going through her head...
how when I left here to go to college I chose to leave behind the person I was back then, and although I know she is still there, the old me, I don't want to go back to her.... yet that was the last time I spent any time with this old class mate...
It was interesting to reflect on afterwards... how we can leave our childhood labels behind... more or less for good, whilst not forgetting the lessons they have taught us.



The hair!! Who can forget...!

Spring?

I hope so...

Fragile defences

S is downstairs singing away to herself, happy and content.
She has just come back from a sleep over at a friend, the first time she has slept over at this particular house...

Lately it has struck me that the really important things in life are also the most fragile and easily broken... trust, love, friendship, self belief, confidence, faith, hope....all the things that protect us, none of them can just exist without being constantly worked at and renewed, fed in some way. Left without being nurtured they will slide all on their own. As much as we like to think we have built strong defences, in fact they are easily shattered and one small dent can spread rapidly until it collapses in a heap. It can take quite some rebuilding too... slowly and painstakingly, piece by piece....
And because often the cracks appear first in one small corner and spread from there we don't always see them until the damage is quite advanced... our focus isn't always where it needs to have been...

That when our focus is on us coping with changes and losses around us, and we are finding it hard, it is easy to be blind to the effect of the situation on our children or others around us for that matter....
It is easy to misread wanting to stay close to home and extra hugs and loves as just feeling more loving for some reason... increased emotions as tiredness or hormones... easy to just accept the security and reassurance we all want from being together.
it's harder to identify the gradual erosion of self confidence and low level constant worrying that builds and grows and is rarely verbalised for various reasons...

until there is a moment of sudden realisation... when it dawns all too clearly that the cracks of insecurity and lack of confidence have started to spread, and we need to concentrate on rebuilding it...
hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course we should have, could have predicted and therefore prevented a dip in confidence....

thing is it's far more fragile than I ever really thought...and can never be taken for granted...
which makes me think that actually all of these are far more fragile than I give them credit for...

and that is why after a lot of talking and preparation and a little persuasion S slept out at this friend last night

and why it is so truly wonderful to hear her singing to herself now...

Little things

If it's the little things in life that make all the difference then there is nothing wrong with a little superficiality now and again...

Recently I have been feeling pulled in all directions from various people, and having energy leached out of me without even being asked.. so today I shut the world out, apart from the world I wanted.

I took time getting ready, instead of throwing clothes on in a rush. I went on my own to vote... it was peaceful and quiet... I breezed into work for a meeting and came home... and then at 4.15 I was at the gym, which just so happened to coincide with a team of fit firemen working out and a guy with tanned legs who can skip for ever....

Very shallow I know, but the minutes did tick by all the quicker for it...

(four figures in this photo)

First impressions of our Anthony Gormley sculptures, on a cold, grey day.
Whispers on the horizon - that was what they were intended to be apparently.
Without going into any indepth analysis of why ~
I do like them.

I think they suit the greyness of the castle, and the mist too, and I wonder how they will suit sunshine and blue skies in the summer ~ if they will change in their character somehow.

Just thinking...

Some days it feels as if I'm really living life, other days I'm being dragged along for the ride, other days I'm watching everyone else playing and I'm sat taking mental notes...
I'm not sure what the balance of these days is supposed to be, some days it feels as if I have a choice and other days I definitely know that I'm not the one steering the ship.

I guess people like songs about survival because life is so tough for so many.
We have to believe we will survive, because we have no choice...and the truth is we do survive whatever is thrown our way... generally...

That's good... and I need to be reminded of that often... because from where I am standing - or sitting, watching, and making my mental notes, life seems fairly rubbish for a whole heap of people, for a lot of the time...and at times it is for me too.

I have always been amazed at the things people have survived, the stories they tell about what they have been through, and come out of the other end.... they are incredible.

I have been privileged to be with families when their worlds have turned upside down in an instant, and travelled along side them for some of the journey... then seen them several years later, inevitably scarred from it, but having survived and adjusted to how life is now...
I don't know HOW they do it, but I know they do.

I know that often people don't remember specific words that have been used, but they do remember feelings and emotions, and they remember who was there for them and who wasn't....

Every person is a story of survival... we all have stories, living them now...

I don't know why that should be surprising, it's not really... we're all more resilient than we think we are... and I like that.

We can spend all our lives trying to make sense of things and still never work them out I suppose... but somehow in the process of trying, we find our key to survival, our means of coping with stuff that otherwise seems too hard to deal with.

Living, really living, surviving, and just existing...
perhaps we need to experience all of those to say we have lived fully.