Looking up

Am feeling much better.....

helped in a small way by a few things ~

A thank you card we received today, totally unnecessary, out of the blue, from someone we met in the middle of last year.
Thank yous are always lovely to receive, but even more so when it's not expected and when it's for something very small. The timing was excellent too - some people seem to always get it right..... I don't, but this was perfect...

I was also dog sitting for my Mum - the dog rested in her bed, and I rested on the sofa.... she has an uncanny way of just knowing, picking up on feelings and emotions, I remember that from our dog when I was growing up too.
Added to that I finished two books totally unrelated to work, enjoyed the calm of their garden, relished the peace and quiet, and just being in my own space - wonderful.... :)

It's viral......
the diagnosis that covers all ills that can't otherwise be explained - fatigue, headaches, nausea, feeling like something dragged up on the shore... that can't quite be shaken off.

Rest and fluids, three days off and hope that finally I'll be back to 'normal', or at least functioning properly.

I don't remember seeing a colour image of a virus before, this one is polio, but google tells me that many are just as beautiful :-)
Reminds me of a gobstopper type sweet that looks tempting but tastes awful
Pretty on the outside but not so great inside....
or a particle from space.... I can see it as a sculpture, or part of one..

Whatever it looks like though, I'm tired of it, when I'm not dozing, I'm too tired to read for long, bored by daytime tv, not able to concentrate on work.......
A whirl of things going round in my head.

It's really not convenient to be ill right now, but it's never going to be convenient....
and I can't remember the last time I was given, or gave myself, permission to just look after me, even if it is only during school hours ....
so it's time to let go and go with the flow for a while...

Not quite bayw*tch....

Riding waves seems to be the theme of the week....

Given the weather lately, the surf was looking good, that is from the safety and warmth of our house, or even from the car....... dramatic, stunning, wild, untamed, spectacular....

Freezing and dangerous also spring to mind....

However, it would appear that some people are blessed with less sensation in their body than me and jumped at the idea of spending two hours in ice cold water trying to stay upright on a surfboard... at one with nature, battling the elements......

S and I watched from the beach to start and then retired to drink hot chocolate and coffee and read our books until the boys had quite finished.

I have to admit it did look like fun if it had been a blissfully hot Summer's day.....

but it's the middle of winter....

Growing up...

Outside it's sunny again, and I'm recovering from a sickness bug that brought me home from work yesterday - I'm never sick, yet since I've been back in the hospital I've been ill twice in a month!!

It also meant we couldn't go out last night, and so I had inadvertently thrown cold water over little R's initial forays into girls ....... nothing like a meddlesome Mum, even when she doesn't mean to be....

He's been very forgiving, although even he could see I wasn't well enough to go, and is very open talking in front of us
I think thats good........ I don't really know ........ boys came into the equation a lot later than ten for me..... but I know I didn't talk about them in front of my parents.....

He's waiting for an e mail back from her - how times change......

I wandered into S's room and laid on her bed -
things move forward, I love her room, it's full and busy and pink and fluffy, a nightmare to clean and dust and keep organised, but I love it.

Moments to treasure while they are here........

Update

Big beaming smiles, happy phone calls, tears of joy and of pride - the letter arrived via school, he's in the team.....

his hard work has earned him the sweet taste of success, and an inner pride that will build confidence and self worth

for that I am grateful to football :)

Today I have a whole day off, an opportunity to seize the moment and achieve.....

So what happens? I sleep and sleep and sleep, have very odd dreams and sleep some more, until I really think some of the ideas I've been dreaming about I mustn't forget and I'd better wake up.....

On with the show .....

Football dreams and other thoughts

This morning we had the last selection trials for the island under eleven football team.

We'll find out midweek whether little R is in or out....

The process has dragged on for months now and seeing as it ranks highly on his scale of what is important to him, it's important to us too.

If he's accepted it'll boost his confidence no end - something that we can't have enough of in this house.

However, seeing as there have been so many delays and communication has been scant over the past few months, we've found ourselves preparing him for possible rejection without trying to dampen his enthusiasm or his self belief, whilst keeping it all in perspective....

I guess we're moving from sport 'just for fun' to 'competitive sport' with it's own set of agendas and politics.... oh joy!!

New lessons for me to learn too ~ as a nonsporty child I didn't come anywhere close to this.....

fingers crossed, x

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Rejection and learning to cope with it is hard - some people say you just have to get up and keep on going, but it's not that easy.

I spoke to a friend the other day about school playground issues, being left out, not being invited to join in or be involved.

About how it feels when you have been included and then are left out, losing favour when you've done nothing wrong - how much it hurts us as parents as much as it hurts our children.

I thought about how it happens, even as adults. Perhaps people don't even realise they hurt us so much by their omissions, but it still hurts.

Do we ever fully leave the playground? I'm not sure we ever do...

And do we stay in this one or look for another one?

Rejection when it is personal, hurts.... yet even people who know that pain, still reject others and so it goes...... pass it on....

Just things I am mulling over at the moment....

It was hard but....

I'm back - have had sleep and food and wine and hugs and love.
I'm back to feeling human.

The course was tough, tougher than I'd imagined it could be.
I have worked and studied ~ no time for the gym, or swimming pool, jacuzzi or sauna, no time for shopping....

New information to understand and assimilate, remember, and then time for a few hours sleep before a new lot of information came my way.

I was sure the others on the course had so much more experience than I did.
In the end I'm not so sure - I think we were all overwhelmed by the degree of information and short time to get to grips with it.

The exam was yesterday afternoon, results in a fortnight.....

After delays in travel, I arrived home late last night, all ready to collapse into a warm bed :)
It was an assault on the senses, stretching the grey matter more than it has been worked in years...

In a strange way it felt good to be challenged by facts and understanding.... reawakened the thirst for more knowledge.

In amongst this were people ~ a lovely couple I ended up talking to over supper on the first night as we waited nearly an hour and a half for our food, and who acquired free wine for us all while we waited :), some wonderful hotel staff who made sure I had lunch to take out every day, the course leader who drove around Southampton countryside for ages trying to get me back to my hotel after the first stressful day, and the other girls on the course, one of whom I will meet in February when I go over again...

Today I've been recovering - the reward for hard work, it feels good

Nearly there

It's been a manic Sunday...

Finally I'm all packed and ready, a few bits left to add in the morning.
Money to pick up, and I'll be away.

When I kiss the children and R goodbye tomorrow morning I won't see them till Thursday evening.
I'm starting to realise how much I'll miss them - I've only ever been a single night away on my own since they were born.
That feels weird, and I'm not sure I like it - I still feel like I need them as much as they need me and I'm not ready to give that up just yet.

I know they'll all be fine - and I've got some serious work to get on with.
The hotel looks wonderful, and I shall have space to read and relax inbetween studies.

Internet access but no computer.....

Will catch up next weekend,

aurevoir

Things sometimes work out....

The New Year got off to a wobbly start, with the realisation on the way to work yesterday, that I really didn't feel too well.
However, putting it to the back of my mind, and avoiding all food or drink other than water, I was able to keep the nausea at bay and plod through most of the morning's work.
There have been a few times since I started this new job, when I have been taken aback by what can only be called the kindness of human nature and yesterday was one of them. We were busy and already one member of staff down, yet every one of the team helped out when they were able. I felt totally supported and cared for, and was sent home slightly early with an assurance that if I wasn't well in the morning I wasn't to go in.

It is six months since I finally finished my previous job. It was more than a job, it was something I worked for from my heart, I loved it but it was a job for more than one person on their own and I had no one to share it with. Choosing to hand in my notice was emotionally painful and it's been a long recovery.
A much valued service was taken away from people as a result, and although I cannot be responsible for it, I still hurt with that knowledge, and will continue to search for a way around it.

I know I have been reluctant to enthuse too much about my new job, probably because it lacks some of those vocational qualities I've always searched out in whatever I've done previously.
I've wondered where I am going to, wondered how fulfilled this is going to make me, yet knowing on a logical, cognitive level, that it was, as one of my close friends would term it, 'a good call', a much needed change on many counts.

I'm now sitting here, having had 19 hours solid sleep, feeling much better, and am truly thankful that I am in a position, not just doing something I'm enjoying, but where people care about me. That it's not just enough for me to care about others, but that I am worthy of being cared for too. Surely that shouldn't be such an odd concept....?

So far it's been a steep learning curve, with new skills to develop and perfect, but I'm well on my way. Next week I'm away in England to start on the next stage of my training, and looking forward to it.

I'm not sure what the catalyst for change is, but I know life happens regardless of the plans we make.
I tend not to make New Years resolutions, but rather make them up as I go along. This time last year I wouldn't have predicted being in the situation I am in now.
I still have no idea where it's all going to, but perhaps we do really end up exactly where we are supposed to be somehow.

All over so soon....

Wow that was quick... and intense. Tomorrow R is back to work, then the children are back the following day.

They are ready.....

too many late nights, too much staying inside, too much having to be good, watching what they say, too little freedom.
I hate feeling restricted, contained, smothered, other people's expectations.... it's not surprising they don't like it either.

Sometimes the lid has to come off the pot and let the steam out - safely, but it has to be let out.
We all need our safety valve, be it football, dancing, art, music, whatever...

With the forthcoming term upon us it only seemed sensible to sort some essential, and some not so essential shopping.

The children needed shoes, Sam needed some winter boots, and I didn't need anything, but I did find some wellies ...

all I need now are a few puddles to splash in :)

The start of a brand new relationship

Slowly does it...

The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.

We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x

Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)

Hormones....

Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.

I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...

The process of discovery

Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.

As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...

A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.

Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."

I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too

Its almost unremarkable...

Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.

3.10 pm Saturday

Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently

I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(

They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.

R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.

We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....

Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow

People who leave footprints...

Not sure why, but this guy is in my thoughts today..

I was 20, living in Clapham, working as a nurse, travelling on the Northern line tube into work sometimes very early, and often returning late at night. It was on this commute that I met him. I'm fairly sure his name was John. I knew him for the best part of five years, but you can know someone and not really have to use their name.

He'd always say hello and we'd talk, catching up on how life was treating us both. Over time we found out various parts of our history. He'd had a wealthy lifestyle somewhere in Ireland, but it had all gone wrong. He still had family over there, but wasn't in touch. He'd struggled with alcohol and drug addictions but was clear of them for most of the time I knew him. He sold the big issue and slept rough much of the time. He talked about his sadness, we shared lots. He was a friendly face, a warm heart. He was a point of safety too, looking out for me on the way home, especially at night. He was a friend.

When I met Rob, he became Rob's friend too. Rob would wait for me so he could walk me home after a late shift, and I'd find them chatting.

Then we moved up to Birmingham.

Now I haven't got a clue where he is or what he's doing. I think of him fairly often, and if we're in London and pass through Clapham Common tube I always look out, half expecting to see him.

He was important in my life then.

There's nothing pressing I want to say to him now, I just can't help thinking.

Wondering and pondering

The week started here after a couple of days off, refreshed and with a few more jobs crossed off the to-do list. Still no need to wear socks or coats even. A good mornings work and a full hours workout at the gym, with plenty of time to reflect on anything and everything.

Today it was mainly about all those whose days are shaped by the results they receive within the hospital.

The good news and the bad news.

As I'm going about my normal day some people's lives are being changed radically and all those caught up in the ripples will feel it too. Sometimes that seems such a huge concept.

I'm always astounded at how much a simple "how are you feeling today?" can reveal.

So many people just want to talk, want to tell someone, even though that person might not be able to actually change the situation.

So, pondering, kind of praying, wondering if praying really works, but thinking anyway and pondering some more. Wondering if the gym is really the place to be pondering and wondering and kind of praying /thinking these things, but they're occupying my mind. Then it's off to school.

The day starts all over again when I pick up the children - full of their day, how exams have gone, all the details that make up and colour their time away from me.

In with this information was a snippet from R that didn't add up.

We were reminded yet again, that as so often happens, for some people it's not what you know, but who you know, and sadly how much money you have and how well thought of you are, what job you do, what you wear, what car you drive, and more than that, it's who and what your parents are.....

I know this happens, but I really, really, dislike it, and when things like that filter through and have an effect on my children, I get mad, and sad, and hurt. More so than if it only affected me.

I wonder at how hard it can be to bring a child up to believe in themselves when society can be so reluctant to see past the trappings of life to the value of the person underneath.

Fortunately he is fine with it, and seems to have far more of a balanced perspective than I had initially had as a protective mother.

The twig in silver

So, the twig is now cast and needs work to tidy it up in places.

It's far too heavy for any jewellery I can think of, so perhaps a smaller twig needs to be found for that purpose.

I do like the transformation though.

It's very tactile, and I love the shapes and images that were hidden in the wood and enhanced by the cuttlefish in the casting process.

Are there two people or three in there?

Exposed

I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.

I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.

However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.

So.... deep breath

K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"

Little R " a few"

K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"

Little R " I don't think many people do"

K "do you?"

Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"

K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)

* K finally tells the truth *

Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"

We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....



The moment had come and gone