A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...

Our float for one of the summer shows over here is in progress....and from now until then we will spend many evenings making numerous paper flowers... we have plenty of paper to go round all our friends and as the wine flows and the evening progresses the flowers multiply.... we already have thousands but need a few thousand more....various bright colours... it's going to look good :)

However there is still much of the construction of it to be worked on and practical aspects to be considered... which could be why, while we were busy working out surface areas and reacquainting ourselves with Pythagoras theorem and pi from school days, we completely overlooked whether it would, in fact fit through the doors.... until the caretaker thought to ask the question that is....

Of course we should have known better.... having encountered this problem previously with other large structures/ sculptures we have made it has to be one of the main considerations....

Very fortunately we were spared the hassle of dismantling and reconstructing, and a whole lot of huffing and puffing, as we discovered it squeezed through the gap with only a few millimeters to spare...

Earlier today, with R at work doing fun things for activities week that we can't join in with, the three of us headed out and about to find some fun of our own.
First stop and literally no more than a couple of minutes outside our door, were the most amazing colours and space... hard to find sometimes on a small island... a reminder of what it is like to breathe deeply and digest the beauty that surrounds us... the crystal clarity of the blues and greens was stunning... and not a soul on the whole beach apart from a man training his three dogs... we watched for a while and then went on our way, invigorated, refreshed and calmed...
It's hard to imagine the change in this tranquil scene in winter when the waves crash over the shore and drown the place where we stood today... awesome, powerful and beautiful.

Last night our garden and house was full as a last minute barbeque escalated in numbers with friends and their children. We had a brilliant time but I woke up tired and reflective.

There was a dawning realisation that in a weeks time we would be a far quieter household but much more than that, new friends who have been staying with us for the past six weeks will be moving on and we don't know when we might see them again - the future is uncertain.

It's always tough when there are no obvious solutions to problems, no answers, when we are effectively useless, and more than offering the little we have to each other - which can seem extremely meagre - we can only sit with each other and be together, muddling along.
Some days I'd sincerely love a crystal ball, as long as it told me what I wanted to hear of course... wouldn't it be nice if we could see instant replies to our prayers.. though I know they aren't always answered as we want them to be...

perhaps in part my thoughts this morning were guided by the fact that one of R's best friends who had moved away last year was back for the night and the boys all managed to get together - it's hard as R seems to be brilliant at making friends who have to leave this island for one reason or another and noone ever seems to stay put...

I feel for him, for them and for me...

I know we are far richer for the friends we have made, yet we are constantly having to let go ... and I think I have mentioned before that's not one of my strong points...

Still we do have an ever increasing number of people to visit when we do finally make it off this small rock....

It's July - the weather could be described as a tad inclement but we're faring far better than parts of England...

Thanks have to go to my SIL for sending such a lovely scarf to keep out the chills whilst watching sports day which was rained off last week... an apt and appropriate gift as it turns out.
Coffee and biccies for those parents who braved the cold to watch helped enormously...
Colourful comfort at what should be the start of the summer

the backlash of tiredness

I guess it's to be expected...
the tiredness, the attitude...
theirs and mine...
they push
I cope badly
they keep on pushing
boundaries stretch
then burst
I react, shout,
feel guilty...
noone tells you how to deal with 'attitude'...
didn't realise I signed up for this...
but it's too late now.

Escape,
start walking,
leave them with R,
time to breathe,
time to think.
A friend calls..
we talk,
they know what it's like... expect it to get worse before it gets better... but it will get better..
perhaps I'm not a bad Mum
perhaps I'm just human...

Tiredness gets to us all...

back home,
hugs,
apologies...
time to think has been good...


all made up, tucked up
adorable angels with attitude
Perhaps I'll get it right next time...

He's back...

A bedraggled boy lugging a heavy bag full of muddy clothes arrived home safely after a wet and tiring week. After a long soak in a deep bubble bath, dry clothes and having raided the fridge he's settled back in, familiar sounds fill the house again and it feels soooo good...

Both children have spread their wings this week and been brought back home at the end of their respective trips, I'm pleased to have them back and am pleased they have been away - I hope and pray that they will always feel they can come home - want to come home - and that home should be a place of refuge and comfort and love... a safe place just to be themselves...

No sooner than I had thought these thoughts than I am aware of a new shared file on my itunes... and much as I love my son, I don't always want to share his music, at least not quite so personally, on my ipod... as no doubt he wouldn't want to share mine...

Enquiries reveal that the shared file is from l*mewi*e where the two boys (R and friend) have been downloading free music... and attempting to download a music video ... but have inadvertently not only downloaded a semi n*ked video... but managed to share it with anyone on our extended network... R's laptop from school and our friends laptop next door included....

I can quite see how it happened, though not overly amused at it being shared so freely... we must secure our network soon...!

fortunately it was relatively easily sorted and a lesson learned... there was a degree of embarrassment by the boys - though whether it was because of the video content itself, or because I found out, remains to be seen....

We now have managed to separate his music from mine, and all is back on track...

Yes I missed him dreadfully - a whole week free from chaos and scrapes... it's what makes my world go round... :)

Happy moments recently

S returned from her trip with an extra aura of self confidence, and serenity.... delighted to be home but pleased to have been away for the first time without us too.

She looked so grown up - with the longest legs ever - as she went in for her ballet exam today, hair pristine with blue flowers neatly around her ballet bun! nerves under control and smiling on the outside.

I'm missing R (junior) terribly, no news is good news and I'm sure he's having a fantastic time.... I bet there's no clean clothes left even now.... please god let the seas be calm on Saturday...

A belated birthday present.... :) what a surprise.... a total surprise.... bright and colourful, a scarf all the way from R's sister in Australia. S and I went to collect it from the post office after the exam ..... just the thought that someone has been thinking of me out of the blue makes me smile... and it is a rather nice scarf too...

and finally this evening an escape working with a group of young people on our battle of flowers float, seeing ideas coming together and hearing them wishing they could spend more time on it because the hour goes so quickly...

and now... time to spend reading before bed... the luxury of escapism... a couple of books I'd normally reserve for beach reading that won't stretch my brain cells, but are good for relaxing with.

Not many words around, am blessed with R who is the most amazing Dad to our two beautiful children... I can't think of anything more precious than that.

We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)

My few days off....

A few days off in a row have led to some rather interesting times.....

time for cleaning chalets now the yearly redecorate is almost complete, meaning a colossal shop for cleaning bits and pieces for the season... and cringing at the sheer volume of chemicals, regardless of the eco friendly contingent...

time spent with the family playing and enjoying each other - time to practise our unicycling skills - or lack of them....:) bringing out the stilts and pogo stick too....

time for haircuts and the eventual demise of the clippers - fortunately just as I came to the end of little R's haircut...

and some interesting conversations - unpressured time together can lead to ideas settling and taking shape - after which I feel rather like a kitten stuck up a tree... moving forwards, but knowing that there is an inevitable leap to the next tree not far ahead...

The Birthday surprise...

Finally the carpentry skills were revealed

and inside the box.... my very own hand made dream catcher :)

I have been inspired over the past months by various photo blogs.... and at various times I am inspired enough to give it a go....

yesterday I had a wonderful photo.... I was right next to several birds on our feeders, I had the camera ready but just at the critical second... they flew....

no bird photos from yesterday....

then when I returned, our cat, who is losing weight and who is, either through hunger pangs or increased energy, hunting more lately, had brought a bird into the house to play with and there were feathers everywhere....

fortunately we were able to let the bird fly and hope it wasn't too shocked to survive...

so I then set myself the challenge of capturing one of the many feathers on camera.... it's not easy, but it is fun... and quite addictive :)

It's quiet and peaceful, the lists of jobs are waiting. I flew back home to get on with them before going to collect the children from school. I opened the post, made a cup of tea, pottered around clearing bits and pieces but haven't got around to much else yet .....

This weekend R spent time with his friend, the one he thought he might not get to see again... it was wonderful... they laughed and played, tinkered, customised the kett car - or at least started to, dismantled gears, removed brakes... played music and were brilliant company for each other.
Any sadness or uncertainty about anything was put to one side as they stopped thinking and threw themselves into being and doing and enjoying every second of time they had together.

Seizing the moment and living it.

Sometimes I think thats what energises me about watching my children ... they ooze vitality from the inside out and it's catching.... as long as I let it...

perhaps there comes a time when we have to stop thinking quite so much and get on with doing....at least for a while, and hope the rest will fall into place...

There has been very little spare time recently, and when there has been any, I have had a tendency to give in to tiredness and fall asleep at any opportunity. Reading has come to an almost complete standstill, so blogs are almost ideal, not too long, and providing my brain with titbits of information, links and connections to ponder on over the day.

I took this very quick photo on my phone last year and was reminded of it when I spied something similar posted over at Mr Tumnus.

It takes me back to one of my happy places.... memories brought to mind by a post from The Harbour of Ourselves.

I seem to have many happy places, though beaches and sea feature in those closest to home.
This was on a secluded beach towards the end of the day, with a couple of friends, a barbeque and a guitar watching the sun go down and just being together.

It makes me smile just remembering.... it's good to be reminded of our happy places, and curious how a coincidence of words and images together can link to conjure up otherwise dormant memories.

Blogging...
some people have wise and wonderful words, some people have wonderful photos.

I just know that somewhere in most days there are moments of beauty and wonder that even if I can't embrace, I can at least acknowledge they are there.
Some days they are in abundance and some days they may hardly be visible....

I don't really know what to think....and I don't know how I feel...
Cancer is a destructive word that encompasses so many different presentations.... yet because of it's label it evokes a certain fear that even logic and reason can't totally overcome.

Today my Mum said goodbye to it for the fourth time...Once is bad luck, twice you grit your teeth and get through it, three times it feels as if someone is really taking the mickey, and now four times..... surgery is great.. sometimes (like today) it can be cut out and thrown away... and that beats the chemo and radiotherapy any day.

We are all a wee bit bruised and battered but we're still here...

Its been a shaky day. Work, waiting for Mum to return from theatre... me and Dad sitting yet again... a real sense of deja vu!

It's also been a day for making icecream - as we started sorting through old toys the icecream maker was rescued!

A day when an unexpected meeting with someone I have only ever spoken to on the phone took me by surprise but meant so much...

and a day when I watched the sun set with Sam and rocky the rabbit and we wondered what it would have been like before the houses were built and we could see right out to sea....

It was a beautiful day today, and as we started the mammoth task of spring cleaning the garden, this little guy decided to keep us company -
he ate worms ALL day, often fitting three or four in his beak at once...

My lovely friend Jayne takes far better bird pictures than this, but I was impressed we even managed one :)

There is so much left to do, both in the chalets and in the garden, that it is almost overwhelming.. but small steps and we will get there.

We discovered a couple of dead trees in part of the bordering hedge that will need replacing with something.... now it is just to decide what...

Later on, in the still of the early evening I was returning from a trip to the gym and I was struck by the sunset tonight, enough to deviate from my usual route so I could get a better view.

I stopped by the coast.

There were people sitting outside the pub laughing and chatting as the sun went down, people sitting on the sea wall eating fish and chips and sharing a bottle of wine, as I leant on the wall to try and catch the moment before the red finally disappeared I was aware of people sitting on the beach with picnics and drinks - it was peaceful, calm and stunningly beautiful, right here on my doorstep...

Summer is only a stone's throw away :)

"How old do I have to be before I can have a mobile phone?" is a question my son has been asking ever since various friends and classmates have been being given phones.
Our answer has always been that he will get one when there is a situation that warrants him having one.
So, after much thought, and considering the fact he is away for eight days staying with one his friends over Easter, on a farm in Gloucestershire, we decided to buy a new sim card for one of our old mobiles so he would have contact should he want it...
Only problem is we then discover he's in a valley with no mobile signal.... !!! It was worth the thought though :-)

Eight days... seems like forever.... I'm counting the days, or the sleeps... just like counting down to Christmas .....
He was homesick before he went, but sounds like he's having a totally brilliant time.....
most of it sounds like activity I can condone as long as I'm not there to watch it - the kind of thing I always imagine Dads do more with sons.... mountain boarding.... I hadn't heard of it until he went... and today was going to involve a JCB!..... he is outdoors, having fun and getting muddy - and I don't have to wash his clothes... yet !

Sam is still here at home, and has spent the holiday so far mainly with a friend learning how to heelie... it looks so much fun, I can just imagine myself whizzing down the corridors of the hospital extra fast.... :)

R is decorating the chalets ready for the fast approaching season, and I should be helping more than I am, but I have had to work - the first year I have ever had to work over the Easter holidays.

However, as of today, I am officially off until next tuesday, so it's paintbrushes and gardening equipment at the ready for tomorrow - oh and time to watch Sam heelie :)