New things and old...

It's a new month,
I have a new hair cut,
a new colour,
no matter that it was me experimenting
getting rid of grey,
it's shorter, sassier and makes my head feel lighter and clearer, more purposeful.
old music turned up loud,
memories of amazing cool times
reminds me of people I should make contact with again,
crowded nights in a tent in Herm before we all went our separate ways
a long time ago now!

I am sitting drinking coffee and the chocolate biscuits are open..

a confessional moment ~ guess who forgot the advent calendars this year? yes, I did, and I feel bad about it..

My coursework is nearly completed,
and Christmas shopping nearly started,
which means it's been thought about!

Right now I wish I had better speakers than I do...
oh well, everyone deserves a wish list!

My amazon order arrived today, I opened it all excited, but somehow I got the study notes and not the book...
the problems of online shopping and not checking properly before clicking on buy!
'That'll learn me', so my friend would say :)

"100 years of solitude" will have to wait.. but if anyone wants the study notes, they're here!!


and currently playing,
from a tent in Herm, a long time ago now...

"A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.


And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries."


oh and red ribbons for World Aids day ~ plenty on facebook, but none spotted round town or anywhere else I have been today... how come?

A magical mystery tour

A magical mystery tour,
away from judgement and criticism
on a ship, headed into the distance,
to spectacular, mainly unchartered territory
wild and beautiful
with my children and R, my friends, music, books,
and enough food and drink to last as long as it was needed...


Escape ~
where do you go to in your head to escape, even for a short while?
when you're not focused on what you should be,
when you don't really want to be exactly where you are,
and would rather be somewhere else.

Who would you take, what would you take?
where would you go?
and for how long?

I'm dreaming mine right now....


shouldn't be, but am.
Should be working and focused

perhaps I could just close the doors, unplug the phone and invite those I want to round for a while and chill out with them here instead.

Important, human things...

Important things that have happened my way of late ~

while I was sunning myself in Cyprus, a group of people, including friends of mine, were over in Palestine, and Big John has been busy compiling this from their trip, sharing their story and experiences



As I see it is a preview I imagine there is more to follow.
I wonder as I watch it how many are aware of this, of any of it, in the run up to Christmas.




Wise words too from someone my age, a friend of a friend, with terminal cancer about enjoying every moment with our children and family... because they have cherished the time they have had with theirs, and it made life worth it.

Makes me wonder what on earth I would be thinking and saying if I knew I could have died within hours, yet was saved for a short while, but still there is no real hope of a cure?

All we can do is learn from, and love each other.
I am convinced of that, because there is no way we can beat life, we just have to learn how to live with it, and how to live, as best we can, with each other.




Then there was a moment on friday, when I was sitting nursing the remnants of a migraine outside swimming, feeling down on life and myself it has to be said... and a friendly hand appeared on my shoulder, unexpectedly, a friend I wouldn't expect to see there, who arrived just in time to cheer me and make me feel better about the world...I swear friends are angels in disguise.




And less important in the scheme of life but important to me...
today Father Christmas turned on the lights in town... and S and a friend wanted to go and see him on their own. Now this is in contrast to me letting go :)

For ages I have mentioned, and even quite directly asked S what she thought about it, and what the other girls say, and earlier in the week we went to see the school play in which there was a line or two about Father Christmas being a myth that only younger children believe in...yet not a flicker of doubt crosses her face.. she still insists ~ he is real... insists although I am sure she knows...
what can we do but play along?

somehow she has gained the upper hand in this and we have to carry on perpetrating the myth that we reinforced by taking them to Lapland to meet him
deep in the forest with only a reindeer outside.
If we were doing it, then it had to be the best, the most real experience, and it was :)
Trapped in a web of our own making...!!

Not that I am really complaining... only slightly!

Just loved this...so clever

History

The end of an era is upon us.

From the children being very small Dennis the menace was a big part of family life, he was favourite viewing after school and we spent many afternoons laughing at his antics.
Often I could be forgiven for thinking I had my very own Dennis right here with me!
If R jnr could have changed the bath water with jello he would have!
So when we first decorated his room, he wanted a picture of the mischievous couple on his wall.

However, now it's come to a time when he wants his room completely redecorated, and it's time to cover Dennis over....he still likes him but it doesn't quite fit any more.
Time to say goodbye, to move onwards.
I'm not sure I can bring myself to paint over them completely - we are working on some kind of notice board or something to cover over this part of childhood history. I know we have to move on, but I remember painting it painstakingly and lovingly, knowing how much it meant to him.

It's going to have to be a pretty big board though...

We have the paint all ready for us to begin... just a shame I had a migraine which wouldn't let me start on it today!

thoughts after a lesson...

I just taught possibly the best lesson I can ever recall teaching... and the strange thing is I'm not sure why. Technology failed yet again - so no advance on the 2 lessons so far where I have had fully functioning sound, interactive white board and dvd/cd rom access.... but still, it went well.
I can improvise, and practical demonstration can overcome most things in my sessions thankfully.
Yet I am half wondering ~ did it go well, or did it just go as I had hoped ~ without fuss and disruption!! How do we judge?
I like kids who listen, who can then take on board an instruction and carry it out, who show me they have learned and who can demonstrate an ability to think for themselves too...
the class was well behaved, considerate and had fun, and yet still I come away scratching my head for the answer as to why?
Are we never satisfied???
I would love a simple formula as to why.

I know perfectly well that just because a class is quiet and appears to be focused on the board or on me, doesn't mean that they are learning, they could equally well be day dreaming ( I used to do that one well) and I know that just because someone apparently isn't focused on me but fiddling or doodling, that they aren't learning....I also know that noise and action can signify learning, or it can mean mayhem...

I'm used to them listening, but am also used to them getting so excited when we get to the practical physical bits that they find it hard to contain themselves - they have so much energy that just has to come out.

I am sure that this morning they both listened and learned, and there was excellent behaviour too which made life so much easier... hey Jayne, you're right - it was what I needed this morning! - an easy session :)

So, I now have two things floating round my head... one is from Jeff at 'Sharp yellow pencil' blog, (well worth a read if you have time to pop over) who posted this a while back which has stuck with me ~

that all behaviour is motivated...

and then there is the whole thing about expectation, which says if we expect a certain behaviour from someone, we are far more likely to get it.
That makes perfect sense to me, and in the class room at least it seems to work wonderfully ~ if we expect good behaviour, then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, most of the time anyhow.

However, outside of the classroom I find expectation a tricky customer.
We all have expectations, and it's hard enough to live up to someone elses expectations of me, let alone my own of me.
The people I hold closest to my heart are the ones who have never expected any more of me than I have to give at any one time...and I love them dearly for that.

Unrealistic, unreasonable expectations can only lead to disappointment, and yet people persist in making them, often without even asking, or knowing someone, and finding out if they are realistic in the first place.

So it shouldn't be a surprise when, oh look.... there goes another self fulfilling prophecy!

We only ever fail if we, or others, expect more than we are able to give...

and so, in reality we actually succeed far more than we give ourselves credit for.

'cos a status update can't say it all...

snapshots just sometimes aren't enough to tell the story....
It's been dull and windy and wet, an ordinary November day

Scene one: just tumbled out of bed to announcements that the hamster is on the loose again and has decided to live up to his name once more. I place strategic piles of nuts around the place and wait, get bored, I have a shower and find that all the nuts have been eaten...am slightly concerned he has taken them down into the pipework behind the toilet and so return with a carrot on the theory that he would find it hard to drag it into the hole with him and so make it easier to catch him...
I dry my hair and return to the craft room where the carrot is.... finally spot his fluffy body hidden inbetween paintings stacked on the floor and capture him.. he puts up no resistance, is full and content... I note that he has not touched the carrot! Text all family members - R and children that he is found!

Scene two: am now running late to meet my parents at the hospital to get Mum's latest test results, but everything is running even later there; however the wait fades into insignificance when we are told all is clear...

Scene three: I sit alone at home, drinking coffee and digesting the fact that almost for the first time in 21 years we no longer, at least for the moment, have to give headspace to the word cancer... that hits me deep down.
I wonder how often big moments arrive and take us by surprise, and instead of jubilation and champagne, I am alone drinking coffee... normality resumed without question... Big emotions flowing through me, hard to get my head around, and I remembered exactly how solitary the processing of these emotions is.
I wouldn't have wanted to be surrounded by people at that point and yet I longed for contact with people, wanted to tell them my news. and yet again it isn't my news to tell. I have been every age from 19 to now this afternoon.
I'm leaving a lot out of this bit here...
it has informed my journey, is a part of who I am, has brought me much joy and friendship, aswell as pain and tears. I am sure I will need it again, but for now it can just rest out of sight, or tucked away somewhere. Parts of it trigger other stuff.. childhood stuff...and for now I am thankful for where I am today, where we are today.
I head out to teach year four children and leave wondering how I can best include a child with physical disabilities in my lesson tomorrow.. it's a practical lesson.

Scene four: after school, all is calm until issues around msn and computers and phone calls and girls crop up... and escalate, attitude and arguments... it kills me inside, I hate this ~ the balance between control and not being too controlling...
you know girls have feelings too??? I thought we did that one a long time ago... sometimes this doesn't sound like my son any more!!
I am rarely the mother I want to be... rarely live up to my ideals...perhaps we never really get it right. I feel bad. I've never been a parent before - and that will be the same at every stage.... we're all learning, all the time, finding our feet together. It's going to be rocky some of the time I guess
I pass it over to R and head out to jewellery nightclass.

Scene five: calm... silver, gold, wonderful amethysts, chatter, distraction, laughter, creation.

and now: back home, almost prepared for tomorrow, the family are in bed asleep, it's peaceful, the clock ticks in the background...
I have some space coming up soon, gaps in the overflowing diary... There will be time to catch up with myself, time for the gym, time to organise Christmas, such as it is this year...

It's been a big day, yet just another day. I wonder at how I have been guided through some really tricky terrain at times and yet I'm still here.. we're still here...

I wonder if I'd have given up on God if somehow we hadn't made it this far...and yet I'm not asking to test that one out! I guess he has his reasons and for that I am grateful. Am grateful for the angels he has sent along the way too...the real live human ones who have been there when I needed them...

I wonder about a lot of things... at the end of the day that is mainly about what adventure lies ahead and what tomorrow might have in store...


So, on that note, I guess it's time for bed, and sleep, before it arrives all too quickly, x

Warmth, comfort, dreams dancing, mesmerising possibilities, prayers...
companionship

log fires are special
and are best shared...
on a cold and wintery evening
I wanted to share mine

x

childhood comfort restored, heart mended

We had some good news earlier... a very special member of our family had been missing for a few weeks now. We had searched high and low, posters had been made and posted around the house, friends had been alerted and joined in the search. S's night time companion, confidante and comforter, duck the bear, appeared to have been lost somewhere, vanished without a trace.

In between various other things I would find myself becoming obsessed over his whereabouts, wishing to goodness he could just speak or that someone would have a clear idea of where he was.
She can sleep without him, but he could never be replaced and once it became apparent he wasn't just left at a friends house for us to collect he was missed even more. How ridiculous, I was getting frantic about a missing teddy... as were half of her friends in different places - it was almost an island wide search!
Anyway, this terrible troublesome bear was only found hiding behind the towels in the bathroom cupboard - put safely so he didn't get wet while she showered.
He is now restored to his rightful place in her bedroom and she slept happily last night with him beside her.

I wish it was always this simple to mend a broken heart... so perfect, so innocent, so beautiful
It gets harder from here on in...

Beautiful...

Just a couple of the songs I've been listening to from a beautiful singer/songwriter.. there are many of hers I am loving right now.

A rare treat, a night in, nothing hugely pressing to do, I have a glass of wine, the kettle crisps are open and what is there on television... football???
It would appear most people including my husband are out tonight so I am alone, both here and in virtual reality of cyberspace.

On Monday night I became aware that I have not only somehow missed the start of Spooks, but we are already several episodes in, and the temptation to start the catch up is strong but these things are made for sharing and so I will resist.
There is time to savour what is good about this.
I have worked and now I have come to a stop ~ although there is more to do I need to be still for the moment, this moment.

I am probably less than half way through a project at jewellery I am already proud of... a glimpse of what the finished product may look like made me very excited!! I find it hard to get my head around creating something beautiful, and so wearable ~ there WILL be pictures when it's done.
I am still loving music back from Greenbelt and someone new to me who came highly recommended, Kendall Payne. I'm also kind of fixated on Coldplay at the moment...marking a moment in time.

I have been so absorbed in study books and work that I now am looking for the next good read, the last good read was 'Girlfriend in a coma' by Douglas Coupland, and I need to search out the next 'can't put down' book for when this course is finally over and done with.
Christmas looms and I am not savouring the prospect of that, but we will cope.

I have been reading various blogs, and thinking, and after the loss of someone who, more than anything, believed in and gave to other people, I keep finding myself thinking that 'we are enough'. That together, we are enough. I am sure that can be torn apart, and yet I think we are....together we can be, we are, somehow between ourselves and our beliefs and each other we find strength and courage and we survive.

How much of life is about survival?
And we live while we are surviving...
and one day we forget we are surviving
and find we are just living....

Within the tribute to R's coach the other day, an avid fisherman in his leisure time, were the words that he always saw himself as 'a fisherman who delivered milk...' and there is something I love about that...living for what he loved.

I need to get back to the gym...need to feel good about me again, it has been too long, it would appear that our team didn't get though the barriers of broadband speed over here to register for the next moonwalk, or it looks exceedingly unlikely, so fitness and inner well being has to be achieved somehow.

It's strange how you get to clock those feelings.. last night I realised I was turning inwards on myself again, too much time alone and working, too much stress, too many triggers from childhood taking effect, listening to the voices that tell you you are worthless and useless, things that become a fabric of our being, and that as adults we can choose to challenge and deny them the power they once held.
When I feel good and feel fit those voices become quieter, it puts me in control of them...so gym is definitely on the list and we may still be surprised and find we have places for May next year in London....oh the golden glow of memories and anticipation...!!!

Thank you for your comments and your patience with my erratic posting, thank you for coming back to visit...it is appreciated and new faces around too :)
I may have rambled, just catching up with myself a bit I guess

and appreciating standing still....

That was a tough week... scrutinised, observed, pulled apart and criticised, not just once, but it felt relentlessly, and to top it all a very hard funeral, a wonderful tribute, a wonderful service, but oh so hard, tears and emotion, energy sapping, so much feeling and emotion crammed into one space, crammed into my head too.

So, I crashed out last night after a lovely evening with friends...drained, worn out, and incapable of processing any more.

Time to take it easy for a while, almost self imposed. That said I haven't even looked at the assignments for this week yet, and I am playing catch up with friends later who I haven't seen for ages. I am emerging slowly and it feels good...necessary even, contact with the outside world beyond aims and objectives and assesment criteria and methods.

Thank God for friends who always have a spare place at their table, a cup of tea or a glass of wine and an open ear or a story to cheer and empathise... sometimes it's the only medicine we need.

loss

Nothing matters,
in a moment, life is gone, cut short,
forever, irreversible,
where to? who really knows?
the pain and the unreality go hand in hand,
disbelief, and yet knowing...

nothing matters, not really, apart from people and love and caring,
small treasured moments
the transparency of honest communication,
those who see straight past our veneers and into our souls, who see us as we are,
those who care, who we love dearly, without condition, without reason perhaps.

what we say and how we say it,
how we make someone feel, by our touch, our presence, our omissions,
All THAT matters, matters a lot,

we remember, not always the words, but how someone made us feel...
kind words, smiles, caring, valued, love lived every day in small ways...

lessons we learn over and over again and still we need reminding

Life isn't fair, life is hard, things happen we can't explain, can't reason
some people radiate love...
they are special,
it's not fair they should die, that they should no longer be around,

hard to accept, impossible to explain
hard to deal with, impossible to avoid

so final, so forever...

no words or quoted passages can reverse that moment, fast rewind...

tomorrow we say goodbye to a young soul who leaves behind a young family and many who thought highly of him...
It's hard, and life isn't fair...

explanations and reasons still don't change that,

tomorrow we face one of our deepest fears, it faces us, cold and stark,
we imagine and we go there, we feel and we are thankful too that we still remain,

and whilst we live, we live in possibility...and love

Under paper mountain

Life... still so so busy..
the assessments have been and gone - had almost forgotten I had a second one too!! Now they have triggered even more work, writing up, evaluating, reflecting on my evaluation...documentation gone a bit over the top, but who I am I to question it...??
will emerge from my paper mountain soon I hope :) once I have finished sleeping - which I will need once this is done, so I am looking for my vava voom which has gone astray..

in the rest of life we seem to be leaving a trail of broken / lost items behind us - which although they are merely items, and I know it's 'only money'!!??? is quite disconcerting and I do just wish that perhaps cars would stop breaking, being scraped, needing servicing and that vast amounts of sports and school equipment wouldn't keep getting lost/stolen and we could just keep hold of our pennies a little longer.. it's getting beyond a joke now...!
That's life though... and yes I know it's only money and I shouldn't mind, and part of me keeps it in perspective and part of me says if only, and wouldn't it be nice.... :)

'In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.'
[Martin Luther King Jr.]

A quote I found myself contemplating during one of my work breaks yesterday, which strikes a chord with me quite deeply...
certainly I have known that silence, a real silence born out of others not knowing what to say, their discomfort, awkwardness with my situation, to the degree I would end up apologising and trying to make them feel better and more able to deal with my pain.... and that was if they were actually there in the first place - if they hadn't abandoned me and cut me off completely because I wasn't in a place they could handle any more. Yet sometimes we need someone to just be with us, sit with us in our awkwardness and pain and discomfort - because if thats how they are feeling, then it is far worse for us in the middle of it, and we need a hand to hold, someone who isn't running away because it is all so scary and horrid and impossible - we need to know we aren't being left alone in a dark and scary place with shadows to keep us from sleeping.

So I pondered it a while and thought I'd post it.

That time was a while ago now thankfully, but it shaped my life ~ you never do forget the silence and I would never want any of my friends to feel that, would go out of my way to make sure noone did.

So, a light hearted interlude from the fourteen hours I spent in relentless planning and essay writing and preparation for tomorrow's assessment, with the odd distraction, even though my attempts to be distracted somehow failed miserably...!

I find that a strange phenomenum ~ that we are always distracted when we least want to be, and not distracted when we would like to be.
Good job I wasn't though - I guess someone was looking after me and making sure I stayed on task and didn't stray too far
Facebook potentially has a lot to answer for.

However, I was good and I achieved and ultimately that will be good too.

My brain ached and my legs were telling me I had stayed in one position for far too long and although I still have more to do there is the glimmer of a finishing post, with a chilled glass of something waiting for me at the end of it, or before then if I am good.

I'm keeping that reward firmly in my mind... and then I will come and visit you all like I have wanted to for ages and catch up and do all the things I have promised myself.. apart from I never do all the things I plan even though I do mean to - like clean the oven and decorate and sort through cupboards and drawers...
And actually the class doesn't really finish until Decemeber.

See you soon, x

Early hours

It's early in the morning.
A lack of coherent words has stopped me from posting - I seem to have been engrossed in a language only known to others on the same course as me, which makes me wonder how valid our course really is ~ just don't tell our tutor!!

I want to write, want to communicate, and there is so much I could say ~
so what is current?

Pip would ask about words to describe my life right now...
tired, stretched, yearning, doubtful and hopeful
what a meagre array of words.. yet when I think about them they are true, heartfelt for many reasons.

True we are struggling with teenage years - that is going to continue for years, and every parent alive will know what it is like to a degree.. they miss that out of parent classes - how to scare a potential parent!!
Yet they also don't tell you the sheer power of a young man's hug and him telling you he loves you and that you are his best friend.
So much I could say to that, but will leave it at the most amazing feeling and life giving force.

Honesty I can cope with - it doesn't matter how hard it is, at least you then know what it is.. deceit and lies are hard - you don't know at all...can't judge where you are, or what the correct response is - Why do people struggle so much to tell you the truth? Truth is a gift, no matter how cruel it may seem.. I value that..

perhaps it's the big things that pervade my world right now that make it so hard to communicate - I could fill these posts with daily grind but there hasn't been time for blogging that.
It was fantastic to get away last weekend, but since then we are back on track and inbetween are all the things you can't plan for, the tears and the laughter too...
it can make you wish for a smooth ride, but when when was that ever fun? I would say when was that true, but guess it is now and again!

Hey a strange phenomenum - my blood results have all gone upwards since I gave up the ongoing daily stress last year...
not sure how the medical world view it, but I think it's great :) a physical response to a situation, now reversed, although I honestly thought I was coping ok with it back then... very odd...but pleased I am feeling good and am ok now.

Despite the tears - including the recent death of R juniors coach aged 37 - noone should die so young, an amazing man, so lovely, and such a fantastic influence in R's life and mine too - we are looking for the positives, the things that give us hope, the fun things in life.. perhaps more so because of someone elses life cut short.

I am loving my new job - working hard and finding my feet - creating my own space and my own niche.
After Tuesday I will be around - I plan to have my camera back with me and some head space.

I didn't think I would miss this space I call my own, but I do, and I'm not sure it would matter too much if noone visited, although that has an effect ~ I would still want to write (when and how exactly did that happen????)

Thank you to those who still pop by - I do appreciate it :)

xx

New days...

It's a new day, and I guess last night will be one of those moments many people won't forget, where they were, and who they were with while the American election was taking place, and the moment they heard the results.
Such hope and expectation tied up in a moment and a choice, and then there comes a time when walking the walk becomes a reality from talking the talk... not an easy thing to do.

How can we know the significance of our choices and how they may shape lives...? I find that a huge thought generally, and have rarely been as interested as I was yesterday to see how things worked out.

Change and possibility linger and give strength to hope and belief perhaps.

On a slightly separate note and thought ~ yet still related in my brain

I have just been over at Liz's blog reading her diary of her time in Palestine, the same trip big John and same harbour, new shelter were on and have been writing about. I can't imagine what it is like to visit, let alone live there, but need to hear their stories to make it real, and I want my children to know about them too. Stories and experiences need to be shared, need the cold light of day, as shocking as they are.
Either I have been deaf and blind, not in the right place at the right time, or just totally unaware, or alternatively it could be that the information isn't being made accessible enough to every day people, but I knew relatively little about this until recently. Until then it had never featured on my information radar and yet I still know very little, despite reading here and there, and trying to keep it as simple as I can for easy absorption and to make it easier to relay to others in the family at some point.

Information like this needs to be a part of education as much as anything else is.
Information and awareness, which may somehow bring about change...possibly, somehow.

I'm pleased they are writing and sharing their images too, they are worth a look.

Today is a new day with a new American president, and tonight there are fireworks which are totally unrelated... It's a good day - a new start perhaps...lets hope

Impulsive and decadent

Slightly impulsive, a bit decadent, on a whim, and in response to a party invite, we jumped on a plane and caught up with some friends we haven't seen for about three years, aswell as having fun with new ones...

drinking and playing with sparklers.

It was a whirlwind, but excellent fun and to be recommended. We left the children behind and so could party without feeling responsible...

Stepping out of normal life for even a day, feels like far longer though.

I am tired but revived.

We did come home to some sad news, which was totally out of the blue, but still it reinforces the need to take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want to do sometimes...

People

I have a much welcome day off today with plenty to fill it.
I so want to catch up on reading that I haven't got around to, people I want to give time to without feeling I have to rush off, but that may have to wait until this evening...

I mentioned in my last post two blogs from people who have just returned from a trip to Palestine with stories and experiences to share. I know the links were quite a way down the post, so here they are again - Big John and Paul, it is worth clicking their way.


Life at Rainbow dreams continues much as ever.
Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but hugely consequential for those of us who live here.

I am mid way through my teaching qualification that I am studying for at night class. I have completed over half the written assessments and in just under two weeks I will have my practical assessment, after which I can relax a little about it all....I will be able to get off this hamster wheel once in a while and catch the news on tv and not think that working till gone 11 every night is normal!

The last night class was extra fun as I ended up in a group with a friend from school days - we both went out on a blind date together back then, and have been good friends ever since.
Lessons are lightened somewhat by meeting up although I am sure we weren't this disruptive at school.
However, amidst the (much) laughter and silly comments and innuendo - and egged on by the boys in our group too...who were far worse than we were, we did finally complete our task to design a lesson plan to teach someone who has never seen one before, to ride and maintain a bike.

I am appreciating meeting up with K, reconnecting and catching up ~ I wonder if I value the lessons for that reason as much as their intrinsic value to the course.
It also makes the lessons go more quickly, and makes the dryness of the essay titles slightly more palatable somehow.

I do love the idea that learning should be fun, not something we were familiar with back then!
and I shall try to keep that in mind as I write my next assignment later on today - at the moment my mind is blank!

Sometimes our worlds become insular, I am feeling that at the moment - it feels like I am being very selfish, that I don't have the time to spare for other people as much as I would like.
I know it's not a long term thing but it bothers me, soon I will have more to give, more to say, I am enjoying where I am, mainly that is... but so much gets a superficial taking in and filing 'for later digestion'.

Oh there was a very special moment I can share just before we went away... through the magic of macs and ichat... all my magic moments are around people ... the wondrous Jayne of Journey through Grace, one of my first blogging friends and I, finally met up and spoke face to face and our families were able to meet across the oceans that divide us.... it shall remain one of my highlights for a long time :)

No I am off to sort mountains of paperwork and make a start on my essay,
whilst pondering the bigger things in life

oh and talking of bigger things, I did rather like this post today from typewriter Kate.

Holidays and conversations - please click on links, x

It’s the end of our holiday, and we have walked back down the hill ready to wait for our taxi at 1am. Middle of the night flights add to the sense of adventure ☺
I am surrounded by three sleeping bodies and silence apart from their slow night time breathing.
It is still warm and balmy.
The widescreen tv sits looking at me, a wonderful decorative piece of engineering and a large black box with some tiny speakers next to it…neither of which works, the tv because of some fault and the speakers because they aren’t connected to anything.
The only place to access wifi was at a cocktail bar at the top of the hill (oh what hardship!).
Mobiles have been slightly dubious ~ I called my son, who was out of sight to see where he was, and a greek sounding Cypriot man answered! Fortunately when I did find him he was safely with his Dad, so the mystery of the Cypriot answering his mobile number will remain unless there is something I don’t know.
We have all struggled to adapt to not putting toilet roll down the toilet, but in the bin next to the loo, but on the other hand have found it exceedingly easy to adjust to the slower pace of life, at least in the short term.
Back though, to the isolation from tv ~ even dvd’s proved a slight problem, although the mac did save the day when the dvd player gave up half way through a film we were all watching…
and the absence of the internet as a distraction.
Oh and there were no board games either…

so just us and a whole island to explore ;)





Which meant we actually had to spend time with each other, communicating and being with each other…all of us…which isn’t really such a hardship, apart from ordinarily we break it up with the distractions we just didn’t have here. We do enjoy one anothers company and it is a luxury to find uninterrupted time as adults to talk at leisure about anything and everything.
However, it is also apparent that hormones are surging and raging through my children at the moment and the importance of chill out time and space has never been more evident. Thankfully there was a swimming pool within the complex very rarely used by anyone else but us (we didn’t take it personally) and so chill out time could be just that!

As I watch them sleep now I remember some things that have hit home this holiday. My heart still surges with love when I see them even though I am turning grey and I frequently feel like tearing it out in desperation
There is a slight consolation and some solace from the fact that apparently T’s Mum says exactly the same things to him about the same things…according to R that is…so I’m not alone and also apparently not quite as creative in my responses as I had hoped!

However, and I know it sounds daft, but so often I have reminded myself that, as far as so many things go, in fact this is it, the here and now…there are no second chances, well perhaps there are some, but there is no going back and redoing it over again, which brings things sharply into focus whenever I am drifting off.
Reminds me of how precious this time is with these very special humans who have been given to us. Too true it goes fast, too damn fast.

So when they want to jump in the sea with me I’m going to do it…and the other various things they want us to do with them…it feels a bit like we’re on limited time, when perhaps we’re not really… but just in case I’m not going to risk it.

We didn’t find Aphrodite but we did find the donkeys… all the way to Cyprus to feed donkeys?!



At least we could feed them and see them… I wasn’t sure that turning up at Aphrodites pool and telling the kids they couldn’t swim in it would go down too well.
I was slightly disappointed too – apparently you come out of it ten years younger ☺

We have had adult discussions, grown up ones about various subjects, time to let thoughts and questions be aired and taken seriously. I’d like to think we should have more time like this at home and not have to wait for holidays to do this kind of thing, but home is busy busy busy….full on, far too full on but there never seems to be a let up on activities that fit in around homework, and so space like this is indeed a gift.

Time to think about the important things to us and this family, and also to consider other people, what they are doing and where they are. What it is like to live as another person in another place, another situation.
Blogs we have checked as soon as we have had internet access are those of Big John and Paul who are out in Palestine right now and who will have stories to tell and share when they return, of humans just like all of us.
We have talked about things, realised areas we are so ignorant about and promised the children we will search out answers to questions they ask.
They need to hear the stories just as we do.

My family is growing up… what we say and what we do make a difference…in so many areas… It is important to find time to talk and do things inbetween the usual football and dancing and homework routine…
Tomorrow is school and work, normality returns, I hope we can mange real life inbetween and not become too narrow in our own worlds

Homeward bound

Am about to fly home.. a week without wifi and no tv or dvd either has meant lots of time to talk and discuss and share ideas...
not as bad as it first sounded I guess... though the chikdren don't get how we could ever come away without phones and the internet and no English tv... devastation!!
See you soon!, x

Small acts, possibility and hope...

You can’t be neutral on a moving train. In this world where the efforts of caring people often pale in comparison to what is done by those who have power, how do I manage to stay involved and seemingly happy? I am totally confident not that the world will get better, but that we should not give up the game before all the cards have been played. The metaphor is deliberate; life is a gamble. Not to play is to foreclose any chance of winning. To play, to act, is to create at least a possibility of changing the world. There is a tendency to think that what we see in the present moment will continue. We forget how often we have been astonished by the sudden crumbling of institutions, by extraordinary changes in people’s thoughts, by unexpected eruptions of rebellion against tyrannies, by the quick collapse of systems of power that seemed invincible.

Looking at this catalogue of huge surprises, it’s clear that the struggle for justice should never be abandoned because of the apparent overwhelming power of those who have the guns and the money and who seem invincible in their determination to hold on to it. That apparent power has, again and again, proved vulnerable to human qualities less measurable than bombs and dollars: moral fervour, determination, unity, organization, sacrifice, wit, ingenuity, courage, and patience.

Revolutionary change does not come as one cataclysmic moment (beware of such moments!) but as an endless succession of surprises, moving zigzag toward a more decent society. We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. Even when we don’t “win,” there is fun and fulfilment in the fact that we have been involved, with other good people, in something worthwhile. We need hope. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, and kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvellous victory.

Howard Zinn

The more I read this the more I like it ...

Shenanigans..

Its half term now for both children, which meant that R wanted to catch up with his friends and so he wanted one of his mates to sleep over. They have had fun, messed around on bikes and done silly boy stuff.. not sure exactly what, but it involved lots of laughing and staying up late.
It also involved creeping outside to play in the garden in the dark after they were supposed to be asleep, the only give away being the noise of bikes landing off the ramp.. yes they were ramping in the dark...
Somehow they don't seem to mind being told to come in... surely they expected that? And the disappointed and let down, I trusted you and you betrayed my trust card worked well...
until it transpired this friend had somehow missed tea... arrived after we had had ours, and hadn't thought to say.. he was fine earlier but now is starving and it's 11.45pm....
after all the various options we settle on cereal.....why did noone tell me cheerios are full of zebedee like zing...or maybe if you're a teenage boy who hasn't eaten and you suddenly refuel you will appear like zebedee after a caffeine fix....
Added to which R is upstairs asleep because he still has to work tomorrow, so it's me who has this to sort out...
Now they have the giggles which I admit is quite endearing.. if only I wasn't so tired, plus apparently it's cool if you are a parent who stays up past midnight for no good reason other than obviously to look after the welfare of your child and his mate, that they wouldn't see as my motive!!
I also admit that I have indeed been up playing and not working - and I should be working, but there have also been late night shenanigans going on to keep me from my studies .
I'm just wondering if I can really use this as an excuse for not getting it in on time!

Rewards

Noone can continue flat out, there comes a time when we ease back... even a tiny bit... and it feels good, blissfully free, that sudden release of tension...
the feeling that makes it worthwhile ~
without stretching that can't happen
The addiction of new challenges, of always searching for something more, of new adventures...
I had almost forgotten how hooked I could be on it till now - how addictive it really is!

Of course there are other rewards too - I had just forgotten this one felt so good.

I have a respite from all the hard work, just for a while and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts :)

Randomness...

that may partially explain the lack of coherent blog posts lately :)

R jnr is back from the schools football tour victorious, with scores of 9 nil and 7 nil, but having sustained yet another injury - I fear this is the start of a long relationship between us and physiotherapists...where rest is likely to be the most difficult instruction to adhere to!

Fortunately the hamster escaped massive infection, is still alive and there is evidence to support the fact that he has been picking his scab!!! Naughty hamster... but not a lot we can do there!! Did Blue Peter ever have hamsters and were there ever any sticky back plastic accidents with them? I wonder...
I never knew hamsters could pick scabs.

Yesterday, with dinner guests expected in less than four hours, it seemed the most logical thing (to one member of this family) to start to pull the kitchen apart and try to put it back together... and
considering as yet we have nowhere else to eat other than the kitchen, I was naturally a little perturbed.
However, in true makeover style, with minutes to go, it all came together :)

I adore the fact that since S started to learn the piano we are treated to live recitals but am starting to wish she wasn't quite as diligent in her practice, especially when I am trying to get my head around various legislation relating to work and issues of equality, diversity and inclusion... which I failed to submit in time last week and the days are fast running away with me this week!!

It hasn't happened in a (long) while, but I had a vague flutter of excitement on hearing about a new priest who is presenting things a little differently. We have been 'bad' people and not attended for some time, for various (always legitimate) reasons.
I am sure there will be some reaction relating to this within those who attend regularly, but am curious to experience for myself.... a fresh approach, a new presentation, a new way of relating...
and as ever I am pondering on how much the presentation is so very important on how the information is received and made relevant. We will see, and perhaps make a few people happy in the process. Who knows where it might lead..

I also now have an ever increasing ironing pile, and several movies I am waiting to watch...if only there were a few extra hours in the day, or if I could learn to function on less hours of sleep per evening.

I live in hope :)

Sunday silliness

It always takes time getting used to a new system...
I think my patient mac support would agree!

An interesting weekend...

An interesting weekend, it has to be said... (well for me anyhow!)
and tiredness deems this more of a diary entry than a thoughtful blog post.


if distraction was what was required then there was more than my fair share, shame it always happens all at once with little time to stop and savour the moments.

Football season is upon us once again and somehow this generates enthusiastic encouragement from the sidelines when R jnr is playing... I can't seem to help myself. It is, in my opinion anyhow, far more exciting than any other football game ever, and a little friendly rivalry amongst the supporters is all in good fun - what is nice is that because of differences between school and island teams they will often swap between playing with and against each other - how quick we change and form new allegiances!!

Then we juggled music lessons with dressing up as pirates to swim for charity and made a mad dash to the supermarket to prepare for friends coming for supper.

In the midst of supper preparations somehow, despite my warnings, the hamster got entangled in sticky tape and was naturally not best pleased - the poor guy was in pain when we tried to peel the tape from him, as was R when Houdini hamster bit him...
The poor little soul is now half bald since there was no option other than to trim his hair to remove the tape (lessons learned all round I think)

We somehow ended up with a house full of people staying over and then today I spent watching S dancing with The Royal Ballet school who were over on an outreach programme :)
A very special event and memory for us both.

Then to try and make some slow progress with assignments and essays and lessons for this week...

and I thought the idea of weekends was to relax?

Photos might well follow :)

x

Other news, or therapeutic blogging..

I didn't plan on putting this here but hey it's my space and it's life and it's real and so why not?
Am still getting used to the idea of this...but I can't seem to quite get past it to blog about other stuff.

It's been a funny old year health wise, and while my swollen joints and pain subsided after a few months and I was finally able to wear my rings and watch again, the doctors investigations and multiple blood tests continued.

Now I'm used to accepting that my body just functions and works how it is supposed to. In fact I'd have always said it was extremely efficient ~ can't even really grumble too much about childbirth... it kind of knew what it had to do and it did it.

It has to be said though, that although I have all the time in the world for people who really are sick or have a genuine problem, I am far less tolerant of those who are prone to whinge about the tiniest thing ~ a legacy of my Accident and Emergency days I guess, and I tend to apply the same logic to me and my family (at which point everyone feels sorry for my husband and kids...!!!)
I just can't see the need to go on about every ache and pain....

So, it came as a bit of a shock to me to be told that the reason for my swollen joints was that I have Lupus, an autoimmune condition which may at times cause my joints to swell and become painful, but also explains a whole lot of other stuff from the past, miscarriages, childhood migraines and raynauds which has got me out of swimming in freezing water and is a very good reason to lie in the sun on a beach reading whilst watching daft people splash in subzero temperatures just for fun...
turns out they are all linked together....

My initial reaction was, ok, that explains a lot, I assumed it would carry on in the background as it had for years, but perhaps that was hasty of me...
Am just starting to realise this is for real, real because my joints do hurt, they were fine all through the summer but they have started to hurt and I am fed up with my body for not just working properly.
Have had a few 'moments' today, moments where I felt so feeble and pathetic, and tearful, where I had to call to make my next out patient appointment - the good news is my consultant is gorgeous and lovely...interpret as you will...he is :)

I guess having to book an appointment made it real too...
and having to go back to taking painkillers did aswell.

Its not a huge thing, I'm fine, honestly I am, and I will learn to integrate this into how I live, I hadn't realised it was going to be worse from now on because I had had a flare up at the start of the year, but right now it's just taking a whole lot of getting my head round...easy to ignore when it's not around, not so easy when it is... time will tell how it is going to progress and I have been reassured it is mild and caught early there are things that can help...

Right now things that help are having a mad scouser telling funny stories about his day and making me laugh...and telling me it'll all be ok....
and good friends and chilling out, distractions...

laughter really is the best medicine :)

Dominoes

Ok I know, no blogging for ages...
sorry to anyone who might think I'm ignoring or not bothering with them.. it's not that at all...

It's just there's a rather interesting game of dominos happening here which is keeping us all busy. You know the thing, one thing leads to another and so on, and although it's tiring, you really just have to go with it. Change always requires effort in some form, but I am conscious that I'm actually happier than I have been for a long time even while I'm busy straying out of comfort zones and rising to challenges
The rewards are worth it, even though today has been a stressful reminder that we all get days when it doesn't quite all come together as it should and so we just have to try harder next time round!!

It has also given me a chance to look at stuff from the past and maybe put some of it to rest for a while, or maybe for good.. who knows... but whatever, it is beneficial - we drag so much stuff around with us and don't always get the chance to air it and give it a real chance of belonging in the past. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and appreciate what we are actually telling them, however silly it may sound to other people. One person not to dismiss it as unimportant, one person to care enough to see it as important because it is important to us...
so that's that, and it is good... :)


Then there is the mac story intertwined amongst the rest of life...
an almost careless comment online led to a friend realising that I did actually own a mac, but it fairly quickly became apparent that we had somewhat underused this piece of machinery... for eerrrmmm about two years...!

You see the reason we bought it was for R's art work, only I had kind of highjacked it, and to be fair only really used it for blogging and quick access to the internet because it is so much faster than the pc...

I had no idea of its potential - or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to unlock it...

So, for reasons best known to himself, this exceedingly patient and now longsuffering friend to whom I am now greatly indebted and grateful, offered to help and ever since has been imparting pearls of mac related wisdom, whilst I have been showing my ignorance and stupidity (only in this particular area I might add) to an almost uncomfortable and cringeable degree...(I cringe every time I know I'm going to show just how little I still know...and he invariably laughs and/or pulls a face/ shakes his head in disbelief and then very patiently tells me what I need to do...)
I am however confident that the end justifies the means, and one day I will no longer be as ignorant or stupid, at least in these areas... and will have at least provided some form of entertainment in the meantime...


plus R will have a web site.

which was one of our main aims when we first became mac owners :)

I have become firm buddies with the nice people in the apple shop and find myself contemplating the possibilities that this smart shiny sleek and newly updated machine can offer.

So before I disappear off to bed and the start of another fun filled day, I must install the latest version of iLife so we're ready for the next step tomorrow.

I'm not sure how often I will be blogging in the near future, I do so much want to read and comment - but am managing neither very well...and for those of you who I e mail, I do keep meaning to but don't seem to get round to that either...
I haven't forgotten you...
x

I'm in here

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook
There are many thoughts that go through my head...
Just wanted to post it here...

Inconsequentially beautiful

Today the sun came out,
we had a call from college friends we haven't seen since the children were tiny inviting us over,
yet again there were not just one or two, but several friendly and gorgeous airmen in town, smiling and chatting and creating an all over good feeling :)
I spent time with a friend who just sees and is beautiful, who gave me a wonderful gift too, for no reason...
I finally spoke to someone pleasant and cheerful within the health care system and that in itself was reassuring
I bought a pair of shoes within about five minutes, they were just waiting for me :)
I felt warm sand between my toes, as I sat looking out to sea on a near empty beach and wondered at the worn and rusty barriers that protect us from the ravages of the waves...





John O'Donohue has been quoted more than once, on far better blogs than mine, saying

"Beauty does not linger, it only visits. Yet beauty's visitation affects us and invites us into its rhythm, it calls us to feel, think and act beautifully in the world: to create and live a life that awakens the beautiful."

Today has been inconsequentially filled with beauty, or beautiful moments that have revealed themselves to me. We all need beautiful moments, they change how we feel and how we view our days.




Some days they all come at once, a refuelling with whats right with the world.
Beauty might only visit but it's effects linger on, gradually transforming the ordinary into something totally extraordinary, the seemingly inconsequential into something very consequential indeed.

A peek into the future?

Sleep came, but with sleep comes dreaming.

I don't want to turn this into a dream diary, but sometimes you have a dream that sticks with you.
Last night I looked into a mirror (in my dreams) and in my reflection, saw myself as an old lady, my face, my skin, everything, was so changed, so.... different....
It was the most bizarre experience. To see yourself as you might be in the future.
I didn't like it, didn't like how it made me feel...
because inside I was still me.

I was also riding a motor bike (something I have never done!) but was loving it - slightly different from my vision of being pillion along the coast in beautiful sunshine behind some gorgeous hunk...thats another dream altogether ;)

Reminds me of an exercise we had to do in our first week of nurse training when we had to draw ourselves as we thought we would be when were old, and we were asked how old we thought we would be when we died... such cheerful stuff!!!
Daft thing to ask me to do since I can't draw, but it did make us think about our expectations of life, and age I guess.

So, I've been thinking about it today, as I had my hair cut :) and picked up bits for work, got on with various jobs about the place.

What will it be like? Who will be around? How will I feel? Will I still feel loved and cared for? Where will the adventure take me? - we were on a wonderful adventure in my dream :)
Will I REALLY look like I did in my dream????? ( please no!)
Will I stay lucid? All sobering thoughts...

The secret thoughts we carry round with us that we ponder on without anyone else knowing; I wonder what other people are thinking when I meet them - I see them doing one thing, and we talk, but I'd love to have a glimpse at what their secret thoughts are, all going on at the same time... and how they are feeling inside.
Like peeking through the windows of a house through half closed curtains, making out the shadows and shapes...

I have checked the mirror so many times today to make sure it hasn't come true already!
But one day it might...
and so, I guess, all I can do is,
as a certain beautiful human says,

dance like noone is watching,
sing like noone is listening
and love like you've never been hurt..


or from another e mail recently ~
life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.

I like that, could make it my mantra :)

4am

Not sure what woke me at 2.30am. It's now 4...
Head full and buzzing with all kinds of things.
Weird and colourful dreaming too, of people I haven't seen for years all meeting up together.
Last week the talk on our study days was of the REM state which happens not only when we are asleep and dreaming, but also during the day where we are highly focused, and in this heightened state we are more receptive to learning, receieving information and processing it. Perhaps there is too much to process in my brain to allow restful sleep.
Whatever it is, it is a pain. I should be asleep now.

Lessons are going round and round my brain, with things I mustn't forget to do, calls to make, resources to collect, questions I need to ask beforehand.
Other training sessions I need to prepare for, and homework to do from my course I started last night.

If I start to work properly at this hour, I'll be shattered tomorrow when I need to be awake, so I have made lists, read a little and now blogged....

I wonder if it's enough to let my brain switch off for a few hours and recharge
sometimes I think we can think too much, especially at 4am...

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea? If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities: he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand, he must stop breathing, and he must jump.

Rumi
Fihi ma Fihi - 50

This is just a quote I came across while exploring the writings of someone I hadn't heard of until I started blogging, and still don't know a great deal about. His writing is quite phenomenal though.

I could say it isn't related at all really to yesterday, although of course it is.

Yesterday was all about giving up control and trusting.
About being in a familiar environment I am used to having some control in, and yet yesterday I had none.
We waited, with the sole purpose of passing time.

We kept occupied, making cards, painting, watching mindless tv and played games until it was time for me to accompany him into the anaesthetic room, telling him I loved him and wishing him sweet dreams while he slipped into unconsciousness.
Despite his fear he was so calm and trusting, trusting me that I wouldn't let any harm come to him, and me trusting the anaesthetist to take care of him...

It is always a moment full of emotion and prayer for me, being with someone as they slip from consciousness to unconsciousness, regardless of who they are. That giving up total control of their life to someone else for any amount of time for me is quite incredible.

Far more so, when you entrust someone you love so entirely, into the hands of someone else.

Yesterday there was a moment where we all thought he was anaesthetised and I was about to go and he opened his eyes and spoke to us...not quite gone! Vaguely anxiety provoking but also humourous - I have never seen that happen before.

For an hour we didn't quite hold our breaths but we did mark time, in a bubble, just us two waiting and wanting to know he was safe.

Of course he was, we knew he would be... (oh so brave of us to say that now!! )
he was cared for, looked after, and now is home, healing and recovering.

Which means I am here searching out Rumi and discovering all kinds of things instead of working :)

When we're scared...

When we're scared...
who do we want? what do we want?

Tonight there was a person shaped space next to my son as he fell asleep
anxiety for a hospital trip tomorrow
I lay there holding him as I have since he was tiny, whenever he has needed me,
comforting, reassuring, inhaling his scent,
the same scent I first became familiar with within an hour of him being born.. it perfused his clothes, my clothes, it lingers still, in the crook of his neck behind his ear
so sweet, so deliciously gorgeous,
my son,
my precious son

I promise I'll be there, I'll try to keep him safe,

some promises that aren't so easy now,
now he is growing and is stretching his independent wings

I listen to his deep breathing, slow and sure, each of us soothed by the presence of each other

tomorrow will come soon enough
all will be well, I am sure it will,

till then we rest.

weekend activities

Birthdays, parties, nights out, wonderful food and drink, friends and celebrations all led to a quiet Sunday afternoon resting and recovering in preparation for the coming week.
Strange how much time can disappear when you're having fun...

However, we did manage to finally finish making a new run and cage for these two, who have put up with the restrictions of their temporary hutch for the past week and who seemed extremely pleased to rediscover their freedom and the long luscious grass that we hadn't managed to get around to cutting!

What fun it is to have a new home to explore and enjoy, especially in the sun :)

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...No man is an island, entire of itself..."

John Donne

Some days it is far easier to feel connected to others, than it is on other days.
To feel a part of this huge crazy mixed up world.
In some ways to feel that we are significant, and that what we do, and how we act, how we talk and interact, the choices we make, that they do in fact matter.
That we can, and do, touch fingertips with people all over the place without even realising it, that we may not always see the imprint we leave on their lives, but it is felt every bit as much as their imprint is felt on our lives, and yet we so often fail to communicate what that means to us, for so very many reasons.
To see the world as small, instead of vast, to feel connected to those who are hungry, starving, in war zones, caught up in hurricanes and disasters of all kinds, even though they may be so far away from us geographically.

To feel that the small things we do, the gestures we make, although small on their own, when added to other people's, will contribute to making a difference somehow, to our environment or to someones life somewhere.

The same with our words, what we say and what we don't say, when we choose to speak and when we choose not to...

that it all somehow matters to someone somewhere.



On other days it is far easier to feel the disconnect, the insignificance, the aloneness, to feel, not even like an island, but a pebble at the shore of an island, to wonder what we can do, to question our value.

Some days I feel so small, and the world seems so vast, it is hard to imagine that my tiny life can have an impact on anyone. On those days it is easier to close the doors and concentrate on what is under my nose here, right now...
the pile of work still to do, the health issues that continue to plague this family, the lack of money, the family issues that predominate at weekends, all the stuff of my life, that doesn't totally blind me, but blurs my ability to view the bigger picture.

The world is big and yet the world is small, life has purpose and yet sometimes it feels as if it has none...some days I feel valued and others I feel insignificant, some days I feel a part of it, and yet on others the disconnect leaves me feeling ultimately all alone, surrounded by people, not sure of how they feel or how we connect, if indeed we connect at all...

sometimes the only connections palpable are those within me, God and the universe.

on some days that is scary, and on others it is strangely comforting.

On some days the disconnect predominates,

and on some days I think I need to know how that feels.

Yet some days the sun comes out, I am reassured, and I know I just have to trust.

Questions from today

What does 'good' look like?

Where does the dark go when you turn off the light?

What colour is a zebra without it's stripes?

Could we rephrase ADHD as - Active, Determined, High-curiosity Difference? (Jonathan Prosser)


I have plenty of my own questions after today too...

reminds me of a moment from Greenbelt when, in a different context, but just as relevant, someone said that perhaps you don't really find the answers, but instead you find the questions....

that is the search.

First days

'The future is not some place we are going to,
but one we are creating.
The paths are not to be found,
but made,
and the activity of making them,
changes both the maker and the destination"
John Schaar

We have had first days here.

S is now at senior school and taking it all in her stride, oozing far more charisma and confidence than I ever had. It's strange seeing her tread in my footprints, yet so very differently.

I had the luxury of yesterday to myself in my new job and then have been attending training all day today.
Some really useful and thought provoking insights came out of it, and some practical ideas which will be helpful.

Perhaps we are creating our future, although a part of me thinks that perhaps we merely take advantage of opportunities that we search out, or that come our way. I'm increasingly unsure about what shape that future is, but step by step and I'm sure all will be revealed in good time.

Today we looked at all kinds of things, including sleep, which I am fascinated by (don't get enough of it!) and dreams, and how the brain effectively processes unfinished emotional responses from the day through our dreams... makes me wonder about my dreams even more, such vivid and colourful night time adventures and ideas. I keep meaning to keep a diary but never do!

I'm not sure where I am at on the road to achieveing some of my long held dreams but know that one day they will come true.

We talked about motivation too... stories about what motivates people to do things, sometimes against all odds.
Inspirational.

Our journeys are fascinating. We journey together, and yet we journey alone.

I am looking forward to experiencing our dreams and I'm curious about the future, whilst trying to appreciate the present while it is here and real. Sometimes that is hard to do.

First steps are daunting, but full of promise, with just a few nerves still...

All men dream but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind awake to find it was only vanity.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
for they act out their dreams with open eyes to make it possible
TE Lawrence

And so we have an exhibition, rather R has an exhibition.

Right on the heels of Greenbelt ~ and after a long period of preparation.

An eclectic mix of 60 pieces of work with different meanings and stories behind them.
It's the stories behind the art that I love the most - very little has been done without a reason behind it, even if the reason is just fun, or just an idea. Some are more serious in nature although not immediately evident.

A mix of humour with the more serious. Different angles, different perspectives, imagination, more of the why not? than the why? ~ time to play, and things to make people stop and question

Which is the reaction we got when we were hanging it - it was SO good to hear discussions and reactions and debate and to cause a stir :) :) :)

People stopping and looking and not just walking on by.

There are few traditionally pretty scenes in there - although we were selective for the venue and included some which are intermingled with the rest ~
the venue being the local hospital.

One thing had to be brought back even though it was causing the most disturbance and I wanted it to stay - our lightbulb on a rock. Health and safety issues mean we have to cover it before we can have it on show. It is being worked on now....

We all have our favourites, and some I love for various reasons.

Mainly I love the ones I can feel just by looking at them that he enjoyed creating... not for the composition, but because they ooze something that says they have been crafted with love and care and say something about all the different aspects of him that need a way out :)

There are nowhere near enough venues for people to express themselves artistically here... but thats another post and might just be too much of a gripe to write it!

I'm curious to see how it is received too, will this place embrace something a little different from the norm? I wonder..

Regardless of that, and above all it's been fun...

Confused

There is a logic of men and boys that I am convinced will always be a mystery ~
at times compulsive and enticing, attractively ridiculous, that belies any reason,
that is without the dawning realisation moment that comes after a dubious action,
but faced with reality brings a blank yet quizzical look of total misunderstanding.


There are days I hardly recognise the world or it's logic, days that get stranger and more obscure as they progress.... (today being one such day)

I love having men and boys in my life, they add beauty and colour, zest and energy, and at times I adore their perspective, I just wish I could fathom them a little more... their behaviour can seem somewhat bizarre and erratic.

Yet I imagine they feel the same about me some days!