More adventures...

looking skywards

We had more adventures yesterday on a trip around the reservoir...
Drawing, sketching, playing with photographs and having fun...

my two boys are in this one - love imagining life from this perspective

messing around and laughing at each other's foibles.... learning and teaching that it's ok to laugh at ourselves....



Tomorrow the three of us girls are off for a trip away - the three generations on our first girlie break...
It should be good - well at least I am looking forward to it... noone can judge in advance what lies ahead but there is potential... so S is packing and I will throw a few things in later on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a tough time of year...has been for the past fifteen years or so now...
Each year I worry in advance and spend months of energy trying to make it work out ok...
Perhaps it depends on how you define ok...

This year, so far, so good... one day, one step at a time..
There is ALWAYS opportunity for change - always a chance, always a possibility that this year will be the year that is different - noone says it has to be how it always has been...
we keep trying, keep communicating, keep on loving and hoping and believing that it can be different....

You know I actually think it can be... different I mean...
and that thought is good..

and if in the end it isn't, then this bit is different... this is so much better than previous years...

this is an ok I can handle...

this is an ok that is more than just having us all alive and kicking...

this is an ok that encompasses living too...

No idea how long it will last - or if it will... but for now I'm just stopping and appreciating that this is good... :)

Four set off on the trail of a boot...

Over a curry and some drinks we were told of a single wellington boot washed up on the shore, covered in barnacles and seaweed...
we were shown the photographic evidence and have a rough idea of where it is...

and so today we set off to try and find this piece of treasure ourselves, with the aim of taking photos... (of the boot that is..)

Today's big adventure....


First the walk from the car up to the fairy ring...




and then exploring each of the paths to the beaches in turn...








































discovering wonderful places for picnics or for sharing a bottle of wine whilst watching the sun go down...


It was a wonderful adventure...
felt like pirates searching for their stash of treasure...
only to find someone had got there first - either stolen or washed away...
or hidden somewhere else...



our search was fruitless, but enjoyable...




and eventually - very eventually, we made our weary way home....

nature providing the most incredible colours in the sunset...




but where is that boot?...

Random dreams...and new adventures...

What a busy night...
dreams of an ex boyfriend and his daughter (who I have never met!), a huge pot of marmalade made by my aunt, being taken flying in an open plane with little goggles on over a river - I think it was over London, and watching people dressed as glittery wombles, my daughter included, tottering down the high street..and then me refusing drugs whilst sat on a rock looking out to sea on holiday....
sometimes a very small part of it can be explained...spice, the drug, has been a topic of conversation just recently in schools and out...and legal or not, it doesn't sound in any way attractive....not to me anyway...

Dreams fascinate me... mostly they are just odd, I used to wonder what they meant - but now I'm not sure they should be analysed too much... I just accept them as random (very random) wanderings...!

just sometimes they surprise me though - I will wake having written a whole song or poem in my sleep... those are the ones I wish I could remember long enough to write down...
sometimes I have had great ideas - plans for adventures - or projects.
It's incredible how busy the mind can be while it's supposedly resting and in the absence of conscious thought...

When I woke the sun was streaming through the curtains..it is glorious outside...could almost be spring...
some days feel like the start of a new adventure...
they feel like they are just waiting to be enjoyed....

oh and relating my dreams here - that was really just to spare R the torment of me describing my dreams to him today....!

if we have any grand adventures I will let you know too..

Gentleness...

I found this in my inbox earlier today... Henri Nouwen's daily meditation for today..

Yesterday picking up R from school was a nightmare.. cars, kids, traffic, and R not looking where he was going - it was chaos.. he was stressed and I was stressed... I had to shout to him across the car park because there was no way of getting close to him...

Today I met a friend in the car park picking up his son too... a gentle soul - the kind Henri Nouwen talks of here...
He said he had been laughing with his son yesterday watching the scene unfold - R like a headless chicken and me waiting, trying desperately to collect him...
He was laughing in empathy and understanding... he wasn't judging - he didn't know but I had done enough of that myself...
His gentleness was soothing - and calming... and understanding... I felt so much better for it.

Gentleness is indeed a virtue and a gift..



Dressed in Gentleness

Once in a while we meet a gentle person. Gentleness is a virtue hard to find in a society that admires toughness and roughness. We are encouraged to get things done and to get them done fast, even when people get hurt in the process. Success, accomplishment, and productivity count. But the cost is high. There is no place for gentleness in such a milieu.Gentle is the one who does "not break the crushed reed, or snuff the faltering wick" (Matthew 12:20). Gentle is the one who is attentive to the strengths and weaknesses of the other and enjoys being together more than accomplishing something. A gentle person treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. A gentle person knows that true growth requires nurture, not force. Let's dress ourselves with gentleness. In our tough and often unbending world our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us.

choosing...

I am finding that life exists at the moment in two extremes... there doesn't seem to be a happy medium, a balance, to be found anywhere just now, even in the space of a day, and it is almost a conscious choice which I choose - both would be honest and true...

I can choose to be sucked into the miserable depression that exists and seems to be multiplying all around me.... with more and more tragic stories surrounding me... and demands tied in with the time of year competing for my emotional energy and time, or I can choose to focus on the happier things around...

So onto the happier things....which in turn help me with the more tricky side of life...

Tonight I'm aching from a deep tissue massage earlier today... he said I would ache, and I do... it was truly wonderful though, my neck and back melted as his magical hands worked on the tension and knots, freeing the muscles - I walked out after the hour on a different planet, incapable of logical thought but in a far happier place..
He came highly recommended by a friend at nightclass.... I have waited for a long time to try and find someone really good... and it's not unusual for nightclass to provide the answers to many unrelated questions...

I have almost finished updating my contacts in my new mobile phone - in a very small act of defiance I changed make of phone and deliberately chose a model for it's looks as opposed to it's practicality.... and now am suffering - but not minding too much either - because I am really not technically minded and the transfer of my messages and contacts wasn't done properly so I am inputting them all again one by one...
It does look good though - even though S said one of her friends (age 10!) has one the same...

Oh and it will save us money each month too - I have other bits of rearranging to do that will help with saving pennies too - scheduled for tomorrow now...

I also splashed out on some serum and cream that will supposedly make me look younger... I doubt it will work - nothing does - but it made me feel good....and I got a free gift which was so much fun to unwrap... :) and I might even use the cosmetics that came in the gift... I have one bright pink thumb nail just to try... not my colour but could be S's...

Work was good this morning... we were massively short staffed at the last minute so those of us there had to just get on and do.... suddenly the atmosphere changed to one of comraderie and pulling together... when it matters people can work as a team... we should be doing that regardless.... sad that it should be an unusual experience in this particular environment...

I am still grinning from the unexpected e mail from my skateboarding new friend who thought enough to get in touch just to catch up...

And the icing on the cake - today the sun shone all day... as far as I saw anyway...

Sculpture...

came across this guy at the opening of a local exhibition - one of his pieces was in the corner of the room and if I had money I'd certainly be spending it here... click on the videos to see how these move - they are fantastic...

keeping it simple....

After a spell when life has been hard to keep buoyant, bouncy and holding everything together - keeping all the balls in the air at once, I've noticed there comes a time when I realise that possibly I have made it all far too complicated.... that in fact it's fairly simple...

surely there are a very few important things to live by, and hanging onto those should, in theory anyway, make life easier....
perhaps it's only in stripping away the unnecessary and focusing on the essential, that it becomes manageable...

and thats why sometimes life seems so straightforward when I sit in church.... there is no skirting around the edge - when I was out in the vast snow with beautiful people who lived simply and basically, it seemed clearer...when friends and family are ill and people close to me have died all the trimmings seem irrelevant.

What does it take to see the wood for the trees?

I wonder if sometimes we make life too difficult and then we get caught in the tangled web we have made for ourselves....

though of course I am not accounting for feelings and emotion which so often stir things up...

Some things are hard. R just said this to me about the transitions we are facing at the moment... and he is right...on one level we're heading into foreign territory and we're supposed to know what we're doing... on others we have been here before...either way it's hard... and exciting - a grand adventure with scary bits that test nerves, and offer up as yet unknown rewards...(I'm looking forward to those!)

Perhaps accepting that something is hard somehow makes it easier - instead of sinking energy into either denial, or into trying to make something it isn't, it's better to accept it as it is, and use that energy to deal with the reality....

Perhaps if we can accept that things aren't easy - that in fact they are tough, they somehow become easier, because we stop trying to fight against them...

In the end there's not much we really need to make us happy... so I wish I knew why I make such a mess from simple ingredients...

some of the other thoughts....

woke up today to it being really blustery and windy ~ really horrible winter weather...
I quite like it in some ways ~ somehow it keeps things real ~ the forces of nature at work.
Somehow it makes me feel more alive.

Last night we were looking back through photos of our trip to Finnish Lapland several years ago and yearning to return...we all have different memories of the trip. We took the children over Christmas itself to meet the man in a red suit and a white beard on Christmas day... that was magical - the whole holiday - from leaving here I have never seen two more excited and awe inspired children....

but I fell in love with the place itself...

extreme cold, extreme beauty - when icicles formed on my eyelashes at less than -30 degrees I realised how quickly life could be taken in such a place and conversely how real life is, and when we had to leave the vast white forest it felt as if I was leaving part of me behind there. Something soulful anyway...

Food, drink, warmth, love, people, laughter, and the magic of just being alive and living.... the things I associate most with that trip - and when I returned home some things changed as a result - life decisions...

perhaps it's no coincidence that I revisit these memories now - with so much illness and death around... (yes it's getting worse!) and waiting for things to change, and yet not putting life on hold while I wait for a new direction. Living and feeling each moment, trying to stay in the present while yearning for the future and learning from the past...

We talk about the weather so much - yet sometimes it does really have an impact on how we feel and think...

Thoughts...

So many thoughts vying for space in my head they are almost on a roundabout ticking round at an almost acceptable speed right now...
all the practical things that fill each day, along with the triggered thoughts that send me off on a tangent that is quite connected as long as I'm not asked to explain to anyone how that thought was relevant...

Today we watched S's play - The Jungle Book - her last one in junior school - the scenery was stunning, the costumes fantastic (she was a monkey!) and the girls were brilliant.... all of them, although of course we all watch our own more intently than the rest...
I am going to miss this school - she has been happy there - and I realise more and more that that is all I want - I want them to be happy. I also know that soon we are all leaving some kind of security blanket of familiarity and that I am preparing myself for it...

That takes me elsewhere to son R and his new girlfriend, to msn and to dares and scary thoughts of past stories related by his father from his youth that are neither helpful or reassuring, but boys seem to find highly amusing...
and that R is really quite similar in many ways to his Dad, and perhaps I am justified in worrying, but suddenly I also feel accountable for whether we have equipped him well enough to make choices that even if they aren't totally sensible, are at the very least safe....


My brain is busy and full... I need to sleep to process things more, there is plenty more....

Thanks to Dana over at awareness and gracenotes, I have been given an award.... to be honest I'm not sure what to say... and so I'm just going to say thank you.

In turn I have to pass this on to someone else who makes my day, which leaves me with a conundrum of sorts...
everyone in my sidebar is there for a reason.

For some reason or other they are all special to me and I choose to have them there so I don't lose them and I can click straight to them when I feel like it.

I don't get to visit everyone every day, although I'd like to, and I don't always comment, but that's just because I am nearly always on the run somewhere else... and comments take me time unless they are on the tip of my tongue...

However, if I am going to play by the rules.... although I fully subscribe to rules being made to be broken....which I did consider.... I should pass this on.

And so I shall - to Jayne at Journey through grace.
She has been with me in blogland almost from the start it seems - I can't remember how we linked up...
Her love of life and her family and her surroundings shines through - she posts the most wonderful photos, mainly, but not exclusively, of the birds in her garden... and I always leave her site feeling uplifted in some way...

She is a kind beautiful soul and well worth a visit... please drop by and say hi from me...

Winter retreated for a day...

Winter retreated for a day at least...
so wrapped up against the wind we headed out to the beach.
The surf was good - these guys thought it was good enough to carry their boards across the rocks to find their perfect spot for riding those waves....
I do love watching the surfers....
am not sure this photo enlarges - have never worked that one out, but they are there...

When I was smaller faces in rocks used to scare me... there is still part of the coast line that gives me the creeps when I pass it... but this face seemed friendly enough... :)

Rock pools fascinate me - and the light was beautiful...

one girl found her seat - perfectly sized for her too - shame the sun was in her eyes...
that'll be her Mum taking the photo...!!

I took this one for the colours - the line of light to dark, but it also shows just how far they had to go across the rocks to get to the sea...
The other sandy beaches had surf too, but were crowded which was why we headed this way.. presumably they did too...


I knew there was a reason I loved living here...

Something you can't touch or see...

Yesterday I also met up with a remarkable lady - sadly she had fallen and so I went to visit her in hospital.

It's always been a bit of a mystery what makes this lady so special, so remarkable.... but all those who know her, talk about her in the same way.

This year she will be 99, and she is still as alert, bright and observant as she has ever been. Her face was as open and loving as ever... her eyes shone out as she took in the fact I was there and she took such pleasure in the snowdrops and violets she had been brought by other visitors - the first violet of the season she told me... She is calm and strong and exudes a serenity and wisdom that is hard to place. She listens and you get the feeling she has far more of a grasp on reality than you'll ever have. Her questions are quietly thought out and caring.

Her age makes her remarkable but I'm not sure it is just that. Certainly I won't mind reaching such a fantastic age, as long as I can live as fully as she does. I know that isn't totally my choice to make though - the years bit anyway...

I also wonder how much of how she is, is to do with her faith, a steadfast way of being, lived out in her life, but not forced onto anyone else, apart from not allowing us to buy sweets from her shop on a Sunday - we had to wait through till Monday to pay her... (that was when I was a child, and we would ride our bikes down the lane to her house, and along with the sweets we would get to look after the goats, and any other animals on the farm at that time)

She talks about things that matter, not trivial chit chat...
And perhaps because of that - each minute felt like a gift - precious and carefully chosen...

Somehow I left feeling that I was perhaps a little older and a little wiser... that although I had gone to visit her - in fact she had given me far more in return....

That is a mystery.... I wish I knew it's secret..

any plane out of here...

Breakfasts on tv always look so civilised - I used to believe that was how it should be...
But our house isn't like that...

Mornings are chaos, and with hormones kicking in there is nearly always some conflict caused by a simple request, or a question like "have you done your teeth?"
It's totally amazing what can cause one or other to flip out irrationally.

This morning's episode was related to wet hair...
It sounds trivial, but I made a comment that perhaps it would be good to dry it, I get a grunted response..and the attitude... and it's just one attitude too far...
I react, I shout, and then I stop, and find myself in tears...
and then the other sibling wasn't ready, and we were late.. yet again.... timing is crucial in the mornings...

I hate the inbuilt response to be mad at them, I hate the fact I shout, and I hate the fact they will do this to me...and yet I know they wouldn't do it to their teachers, or their grandparents.
I hate feeling invisible, disrespected, ignored, ineffectual and inadequate. (I guess that would be a general statement - not just related to this...)
I know they love me, I know they care, and I know when they say they are sorry they do mean it - at that moment at least.... it just never seems to last...

I also know we have good kids who do respect each other, and us and themselves... they are kind and loving and do care...

but they are also the reason I was ready and prepared to book a flight - any flight, and get the hell out of here this morning... escape has never seemed a more reasonable option...

I know the theory, I know what I should be doing, I know how I could do better... it's just not always that easy... I flipped and I shouldn't have done... well maybe not quite as loudly or melodramatically as I did... I know I was just as childish as they were being in many ways...and I bet I looked foolish too...

However, I didn't book a flight.. I was going to go and sit at the airport and imagine doing just that...but there wasn't time.
Instead, I imagined it and knew I would feel dreadful as soon as the plane had taken off...
I escaped in my head and it wasn't actually as good as I thought it would be...

I did go and have my hair cut...and my wonderful hairdresser made me feel so very much better - he is a real gem...
I also had lunch out and then booked myself in for some IPL treatments so I never have to shave or wax ever again... shameless indulgence... but I'm sure it'll be worth it...
and I talked to a couple of friends who have children of a similar age.. only to find they are having similar episodes... I'm not alone... we are not alone...

The odd thing is that when they came home, and throughout the evening, and all through bedtime, they were far calmer, more peaceful with each other. We were much calmer - it would be so lovely if we could keep it like this indefinitely...

Perhaps we all learnt something from it. Perhaps it didn't do any harm...

perhaps peace can reign..
and maybe we can have a civilised breakfast time...

Or maybe thats just one request too far...

It's damp and cold and grey,
can't wait to snuggle up by the fire...
love staring into the flames and feeling the heat on my face...

One of the perks of this time of year...

a touch of winter luxury...

Observational...

if I step outside my body momentarily I see a girl fired up in anticipation, yet losing the heart to work...
it's so long between odd shifts here and there.

Why does waiting for something specific take so long... yet other moments pass all too fleetingly?

Time filled profitably though...
Filing done...
CV ready...
accounts done...
lesson plans ready...
old paperwork sorted...
tax return... pending...

all ready for take off....

observed reduction in desire to make effort to go in to work...
obsessive and compulsive scanning of paper and web sites...
delusional state of having applied, been for interview and successfully started and thriving in new environment..

in fact not merely delusional - absolutely convinced it is reality... and exceedingly happy whilst in delusional/reality state...


but still know alarm clock is set for early tomorrow morning to wake me from my dreaming...

oh well... it's good to dream... :)

Good intentions...

January is my least favourite month, but I had a cunning plan...
head down, eat sensibly, reduce alcohol, up the water, back to the gym, get rid of the flab and emerge in February like a butterfly from it's chrysalis...

we're two weeks in - and a little bit... and I'm still in fat caterpillar mode...
events have overtaken me, health and funerals, but today was the day....

delayed by a call from a friend reminiscing over our double dates we had with our first boyfriends... roller discos, and first kisses... cringeable stuff.... prompted by R junior spending the afternoon in town with his girlfriend...

I feel old... and somewhat unprepared ~ it's all innocent - but I want it to stay that way for a long time yet.... years please..

Can't remember when I last thought about my very first boyfriend...
not knowing how to kiss... how do you learn? He was dreadful....bit my lip!

Could have put me off for life.... ( but didn't - not sure why..! )

who tells you these things? How do you know?


I don't want to have to think about it... my children...not yet...
ok, so I'm in denial... thats fine... :)


and then when I finally make it to the car, to head to the gym, I turn the ignition and the flashing warning light means I don't even make it out of the driveway...

a new catalytic converter on friday should have sorted the noises but obviously there is something awry - perhaps they never tightened something - I don't know - all I know is that now the idea of an indian takeaway and a bottle of wine sounds very enticing...

so the fat caterpillar can logically lay the blame at the foot of my first boyfriend and the garage...
and I'm also hoping the chrysalis stage won't then take too long... :)

Blessings...

I'm back - and it would be wrong to say it wasn't hard.... it was, not always for the reasons I thought it would be...

So, my thoughts as I return to a familiar place, a comfort zone, a place of my choosing...
although I leave a part of my heart yearning for those I have left in various parts of England...

one message before I went wished me blessings on the journey... and strangely they found me ... blessings appear when we need them, or is it that we are more open to the kindness of others when we most need it...? is it that when we are most vulnerable, we are more sensitive to others, and so can either be hurt more easily OR can appreciate the small kind gestures that people offer...

so....

blessings en route....

NOT having to sing at the funeral I went to before I flew.... hymns are a killer when I'm trying not to cry...

Listening to "amore" at my friends Dad's funeral... and watching people swaying in church...

the air hostess who stopped to chat to me... about my book, which prompted unexpected conversation...

choosing the right book to take with me, "Tuesdays with Morrie".. because it fitted in my handbag as much as anything... I'm not sure what kind of recommendation it is but it was perfect for the situation...

reading the quote "Death ends life, not a relationship" at just the right moment for me...


and while I was there...

I was in the right place for me at that time - not comfortable because it was so sad... but I was with family...
a familiar tug at my childhood - people who I never had to explain myself to... and who never have to explain themselves to me...

M introduced me as her "other daughter"..
family isn't all about blood relatives....
well, mine certainly isn't....

R said I was always around as we grew up... then we realised I wasn't always around.. not physically ... but I was always there... somehow I was... and so when I turned up it was as if we had never been apart... growing up without blood brothers and sisters, it means so much to know that the same feeling is reciprocated...

Knowing I wouldn't have been anywhere else at that point other than with those people I love who are hurting so much... knowing I was in exactly the right (painful) place

Making contact again with some people.... holding hands, hugging, smiling, winking, touching, exchanging e mail addresses.... being physically close to say I love you...and I care... and I'm here...

and meeting people in the family I hadn't met before...
this family is full of charm and delight... a breath of fresh air.... love his web site too.

and managing to travel with my parents without falling out on what was a long and stressful journey... and even managing some laughs...

There were blessings...
not of my making... they most certainly found me...

is that what they call grace?

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles inbetween you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you. You are a world. All of those men were worlds in their time with their whiskers on their chins, some of them, their clean shirts, their steel rimmed glasses, their freshly polished shoes..... Each carried his world on his back the way a snail carries his shell..." Frederick Buechner

I'm away in a few hours, before then I have another funeral to go to - a close friends Dad. That makes two in two days...

I know I'm finding it hard - mixed in with all the emotion are the what if's and the how would I cope - how will I cope - the situation turned around in my head, then put one side until I have to deal with it, looked at and discarded until I need to pick it up, knowing one day I will have to. It's the nature of living - and loving...

I'm asking people for support - not like me at all - it's a vulnerable place. I know I am retreating into that snail shell...
It feels like a snails shell - my world...

I woke up on auto pilot - things to be done, needing to rise to the occasion, getting through - the body can function independently of the mind.
I wonder - I think thats how it's going to be - the next few days perhaps...
Can I leave my mind behind how it was yesterday, when it was free and happy, and pick it up on the flight home?
Because if I don't think and don't feel, then maybe I won't feel hurt and then maybe I won't cry... and then maybe I will actually be of some use.

Defences are there for a reason and just as it's good to let them down, and let people into our worlds, there are times when they protect and help...
and yet they come up without our asking.
We are not always in control - perhaps never in control of how we feel.
We learn how to be in control of how we react externally to our feelings - but not how we react internally...

I ask for help and support and yet I know that ultimately I am alone in this - each of us can only ever cope with our feelings alone - yet the knowing that there are others around when our processing is done is perhaps more what I am asking - asking for them not to leave me alone with this - to still be there when I get back. It helps if you know what you're asking for in the first place...but how often do we really know what we're asking for when we ask for it - we just know we need something...

Perhaps thats all the reassurance anyone can ever ask for - noone wants to be left alone with just their world - their snail shell - even when it's tough - it's good to know there are people around

Dance like no-one is watching
Sing like no-one is listening
and
Love like you have never been hurt...

It's a good maxim for living... letting people share the beautiful shiny colours on the inside of our shells - reflected through our eyes, our smiles, our words and our touch - and maybe just our tears.
Showing that perhaps although we may be alone with our worlds, we're not so very different - our eyes, our smiles, our words, and our touch and tears connect us.

Love hurts, it's inevitable, inescapable... but I'm pleased I loved - and love still - guess we carry on loving and hurting and being hurt...
thats how we keep feeling and keep living...

Stories...

Thre have been many stories recounted these past few days.
Adding pieces to the jigsaw my children have of my life, life when I was a child visiting John and his family and when they would come and visit us - that was always fun because they needed a minivan for all the kids...
and we would head down to the beach - rock climbing was popular and there were always the boys to look after me...

fascinating insights into the past for children who are always curious about their parent's exploits when they too were children...
baby kate dragged up because she wouldn't be overtaken by the older kids... fear didn't exist - if they did it, so did she...
It was great, a game... and the bigger the slide the better...
somewhere to learn confidence and to shout as loudly, or louder than, the next person if you wanted to be heard...
I learned some real lessons with this part of my family.

It's easy for my children to get an idea of my life as a child here - they see my parents frequently and not much has changed in real terms - we explore the garden and the house and they hear tales of what I did and who was around - we look at photos and it's all in context.

This other part of life is new to them - I guess you don't talk about things until they crop up...

And when we talk - all of us, about what we remember the most, it tends to be individual times, evenings or moments that get recounted over again...

and it makes me wonder which moments will be the ones to stick in my children's memories as they grow up...

what is it that makes a moment special enough to last a lifetime?

unmarked milestones

You know when all the action is going on in the foreground, there's still a whole lot happening around the edges, it's just easier to miss it.

My son has been thinking about changing football clubs for some time now - plenty of reasons, but a hard decision - he's played with the same club since he was 5 and he's a loyal, sensitive soul. But week after week he's thought more and more about it, until last night he said he really did want to move.
I had just assumed that either his Dad or I would make the call to his coach to let him know...

Instead R said he wanted to be the one to tell him.
He picked up the phone and made the call...
A hard call to make, taking responsibility and being accountable for his own decision...
I stood nearby watching and listening - in admiration for his courage and witnessing a mile stone I hadn't realised existed.

Yet the transition from us thinking and making decisions for them, to them making and acting on their own decisions is exactly what it is all about, and being there for them in case it all goes wrong I guess..

milestones not charted anywhere, yet very real steps to independence and directing their own lives.

Not a good look...

OMG - just woke up and looked in the mirror...
feel better for sleep and for the antibiotics finally kicking in properly
but what a wreck looking back at me...

There is a price to pay for crying...

so today's question has to be do tea bags really work?

I hope so.. :)

Sad news

Who knows the whys or hows of anything..

I know that John and his family, officially Sir John, a wise, funny, brilliant, down to earth man, regardless of any title given to him or position he found himself in, a man of integrity, and his family, who always treated me like their own ~ all of them were in my thoughts, and wouldn't leave, all day yesterday and last night, and I couldn't have known why.
It is their old flat that Van Morrison's music takes me back to...

Turns out John died peacefully in his sleep last night / this morning...

I'm out of words, and full of thoughts and memories. I can hear his voice, and his laughter. I can remember being 'baby kate' to avoid confusion and then, when I couldn't really be 'baby kate' any more... we had both grown up...
when I was with them I was one of six, not one of one...
He will be, they all are, part of my family for ever...

if there ever was a man who lived, and squeezed every last drop out of his time living, it was him...

I am so much richer for having had him in my life, and yet again I am reminded that life is short...

so, from inbetween my many tears,
Thank you Uncle John...

The end of the holiday..

nervous butterflies, sad hearts, longing for just one more day...
please, just one...
the end of the holidays
dreams remembered, and many still to dream,

washing and ironing done,
bags packed...
tucked up,
early night...

Back to school,
Back to work...


Back to...?
The start of...?
Who knows...?

Nervous or excited...?
Both...?

Anticipation...

A quiet day reading...

The lurgy has finally caught up with me, but as long as I don't have to speak or listen or try and make conversation, if I can be in my own world, curled up, sipping on warm drinks to soothe my husky throat and taking regular cold remedies then it's not too bad...
So I have been granted the indulgence of a whole day to read one of my Christmas presents, a book from my wish list which first came to my attention courtesy of warps woofs words.

Joan Didion's Year of Magical Thinking


"Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
The question of self-pity."

These are first words she wrote after her husband died... words she returns to throughout the book. She tells the story of her journey through the first year after his death, the same year their only daughter is seriously ill.


"It was in fact the ordinary nature of everything preceding the event that prevented me from truly believing it had happened, absorbing it, incorporating it, getting past it. I recognize now that there was nothing unusual in this: confronted with sudden disaster we all focus on how unremarkable the circumstances were in which the unthinkable occurred..."

The honesty of the way she shares her thoughts , feelings and observations make this a remarkable book. She doesn't shy away from the conflicting confusing and illogical - the magical thinking that some would have us leave behind in childhood.

Everyone takes something different from a book and some books have their time to be read.
Books can't be prescribed...
It doesn't offer answers or solutions, but it is a very human book.... beautifully written

and now I have discovered her as an author I'll be searching out her other titles...

food glorious food...

In an attempt to encourage and enable the children to cook for themselves we have been letting R and S take turns at cooking tea each day this week.
We have gradually progressed over the past year or so and now they use kettles and toasters and sharp knives independently ... and to date we have escaped anything major happening...

I will never forget my first 'serious' boyfriend had never cooked anything until he bought his own flat....
I decided then it was a 'must have' skill for any children of mine to acquire...

They have always watched and helped where they can, but the extra time we have had this week, before they start back at school on Monday, has meant more time to play and let them experiment.
It's been messy - but creative... and they have been keen to learn.
The results have been delicious too.

They have also got cross with one another, when, after spending all that time and effort cooking, the other one can't be bothered to come to the table on time....

nothing quite like a taste of your own medicine ;-)

Stained glass candle holder S made for her nativity

The phones have started to buzz with new year messages from friends we can't be with...
I don't 'do' new year usually for various reasons , but this year we will be out at a friends party... the theme is Bond...
and it would appear that James has a new girl - Miss Midnight, who will be getting ready shortly... :)


I liked this, one of those round robin texts, but I liked it...

2008 is at the door...

Remember life is short,

break the rules,

forgive quickly,

kiss slowly,

love truly,

laugh uncontrollably,

and never regret anything that made you smile...

So to everyone who stops by this way...

I wish you all the very best for the New Year...x

new links

New links - mouse and Random acts of reality... partly sentimental - partly keep me in touch with what I feel is important in my life too...
reality, raw and in your face...
that is what I LOVED about A&E - it was real, no pretences, life as it happened, in all it's various forms with all it's grit and grime...
people came, as they were, noone had time to pretend, no time to become anyone else... no time to be institutionalised...
noone really wanted to be there... for any longer than needed anyway...
it was a real privilege to be working in that environment...
a glimpse into the world as it is... where we are...

and thats why I want to say thank you for these blogs...

keeping life real...

Taking time as it comes...

After a family filled Christmas, the opportunity to spend an evening down at the rugby club for one of our good friends Birthdays was welcome, it was lovely to just spend time with people we haven't seen in a while and to have a night out where the children could come too.

An easy evening...

Now we're back home, with music on while R carries on painting a commission that's been waiting for a chance for him to carry on working on it - it's peaceful sitting watching him.

It's been a long while since we just spent an evening drinking, listening to music with R painting alongside me...and chatting...

it's easy to lose time, and a luxury to just let time go...

a gift...

apt that we should be listening to the Beatles too ~ transporting me back to student flats, long evenings and the dawn of first light...

they are singing.... "and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make... "
I wonder...

Hanging on to peace...

At what point is it safe to look back and wonder if we have escaped unscathed? Perhaps it's the moment after we have confidently said it's all gone alright so far!.... Best not speak too soon - there is always, and will always, be room to put ones foot in it...

The peace found at Midnight mass has stayed - strange how peace can descend in a church filled to overflowing, despite all the noise and chaos, and yet there is a still, quiet voice, that speaks personally, and so that being a part of it and yet not, observing from somewhere else, yet being in the present... it speaks to my heart... that peace stays... and with it there is harmony, for a while..

but it's not long before late nights take their toll, and safety mechanisms fail, and peace, and good will seem to lose value and vanish... like the genie in the lamp... the wishes gone...

it is never an easy time and it never gets any easier...
I am aware of, and see others around struggling too.

And on a personal level I do wonder how this magical season, this season of hope will ever really change us...


how hard is it just to be kind?
how hard is it to forgive?
how hard is it to accept and embrace our humaness in others?

Perhaps is it simply all too hard...?

But I honestly can't let myself believe that at all....

Christmas Eve...

Christmas eve....a magical day as a child I seem to remember, and I am reminded of it by my children we played at being Santa's elves delivering to all ends of the island today.

Snippets from our day...

After a couple of false starts we finally made it out of the house to start our deliveries...

My chief elf, obviously bogged down with the responsibility of the task allocated to him, put us all behind by muddling the presents up, so parcels were delivered to the wrong people and had to be retrieved and then redelivered...... I'm certain Santa never has that problem even with all that alcohol on board...

Despite our best efforts we didn't manage to avoid the last minute dash to the chemist to restock on cold and flu remedies, and to find birthday cards for the 26th, but the Salvation Army band playing in the high street made it feel very festive, even in the rush..

The plan is that the kids are hopefully staying up so we can all go to midnight mass... but then we all know about best laid plans...

I'm still looking for the buzz of festive spirit which usually arrives around this time, but it seems to be very elusive this year.... as are cohesive sentences that fit together... hence the snippets...

so really I just wanted to say to those who pop by here

Happy Christmas and a peaceful time to everyone.. xx

Choosing one's own way...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way"

Viktor Frankl

It was one of those odd moments - I had just picked up a book and was reading these words as I idly clicked through my bookmarked blogs...

to read the same words - or some of them at least - on Pip's blog...

Synchronicity, a moment when timing collides, like crossing paths with someone after you've only just met...

when pieces of a jigsaw suddenly fit together...
a message at just the right time...

until half an hour ago I hadn't even heard of Viktor Frankl...

now I've met him twice in a short space of time and his words are etched into my brain...

love it :)

This almost had a photo....

I had so much planned for today...guess thats never the best start...
So little has actually been achieved, but we do seem to have run around for hours in the car, spent a chunk of the day at my parents which was important, persuaded the dentist to give us an emergency apointment for S who was in pain and reluctantly purchased a few items in town for Christmas and Birthdays coming up all too imminently.

Finally, and despite not wanting to go, I ventured back to town where S was supposed to be joining others for Carol singing....but being late we thought we would catch up with them at the first stop. No great surprises that after an hour of loitering on the street corner outside one of our hotels we decided to call it a day and came home... we had no mobile contact numbers, and as S said, I should have gone to the original meeting place, but as we were running late I honestly thought I was being sensible...

The list is still almost as long as it was this morning and I am ready for bed...

The stars and moon were beautiful tonight...

I almost took a photo as we waited for the others to arrive...

street lights and Christmas lights tell stories of the lives behind the house doors...

My daughter told me she would always be with me in my heart and in my head... how does she get that at such a young age?
Am thinking that all those who ever touch our hearts and souls stay with us, both in our hearts, and in our heads... a beautiful thought...

My son fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow... guess thats what you get when you live each waking moment with such energy... he always has...

I missed my friend's daughter on morning television and only realised this evening...

Most of the time I think I'm doing a rubbish job at being a parent... but I try, and somehow thats what my kids seem to see...and I am truly grateful for that...

I never got back to any exercise - today was the day - so am still feeling flabby and lard like...

Am fading fast - the sofa and fire and wine lull me into a soporific state where climbing the stairs is almost too much effort... and I have work tomorrow morning.. early....

Vulnerable...

Even the strongest man is only human...
even my rock who is R...
it made me feel so very vulnerable...
when the pain and sickness that is migraine hit earlier...
and persisted...and persisted...despite all my nursing, and care, and the depths of the medicine cabinet....
and I realised what, or who, I took for granted..
always there...
adding a certain 'je ne sais qoi' to family life...
a certain 'joie de vivre'...
part of the mix...an essential, ingredient
I know I try not to...
but when someone is always there you do get used to them always being there..

today a vital component of this family unit was missing...
and I couldn't sort it
couldn't fix it...
and I tried...
so hard...
but I couldn't...

so, minus children
we graced the 'doctors on call' service with our company,
who in turn made us comfortable in A&E for the best part of four hours..
while they stopped the pain and the sickness...

and diagnosed something else while we were there... love the incidental findings... not...
will have to embrace them tomorrow...

quite possibly the very best doctor I have ever come across though - and I have come across quite a few...
calm, informative, logical, reassuring, obviously competent, friendly, efficient... the list could go on...
just a shame he is a locum and not permanent.

finally we are at home, finding stable ground again... am feeling less vulnerable now...
less scared,
am relieved...

but the truth is
we're only really strong when we're all together...
and we're all much more vulnerable than we think - every one of us.

There were times today I was really, really scared - part imagination, part reality fed the fear...
things I've seen and things I've experienced.
a little knowledge - or a lot - isn't always helpful...

seeing those we think of as strong, suddenly weak, shakes our foundations...
made me think - sometimes it's good to be shaken and disturbed ~
to remember why we need each other in the mix...

Thursday thoughts...

Returning from Town with a new haircut....and the promise that next year I'll do something wild and whacky just to surprise my wonderful hairdresser... am pondering what...

It is a beautiful crisp, cold, clear day, the sand is swept into dunes along the wall, in soft, clean, golden mounds as if it belongs there, not that it has been swept up, swirled around and dumped there from treacherous storms the other evening...

I love that about nature - somehow it always seems to settle and find a new normal....
No doubt someone will be along to move it back where it came from at some point - the dunes are now on the wrong side of the wall... !

Still beautiful...

What I was thinking about though were the birds as I watched them - all along the shoreline. Graceful, wild and free, so much of their beauty tied in with their free spirit...

free spirits, love and beauty... a story about a caged bird somewhere in my memory...
and how much of life is about letting go and the balance between loving and embracing the freedom of spirit, whilst trying to keep hold of it in some tangible way at the same time... and what a difficult, virtually impossible, balance that is...

Prepared for the school disco... since early this morning...
S has just returned, flushed and smiling, happy, a brilliant time had by the sounds of it...
but what of the boy who asked her out... the little darling... ! he's got excellent taste, I give him that... :)
am feeling more than a bit territiorial...
she is beautiful, and anyone would be a fool not to want to go out with her - to spend time having fun with her... can't think of anything more wonderful in the whole world....
but she's my baby, and she's my girl...

so I am relieved that at least for now, she said no, well actually she couldn't make up her mind - it's a genetic problem that one...

she is safely tucked up in bed, as is her brother who has become firmly attached to his mobile since his disco...

Can't work out why I would feel differently about him to her - she certainly knows her mind enough to not be messed around...

however, I am hoping this means we can now spend some time before boys have to enter into the equation, and stir up hormones and feelings more than they already are...

my prayer tonight... x

sky reflections in silver feet

imperfect etched silver feet....
smaller, yet in direct proportion to their feet sizes at the moment...
a footballer, and a dancer...

impossible to polish, impossible to photograph...
scratched already and that's before they get to the engravers...
I loved the reflections in them... the ceiling reflections weren't great, or the ones of me trying to stay out of the reflection as I took the photo, but I liked this one of the sky ...

there is something lovely about working on something so personal and it's been fun getting to know my children's feet again in detail...
would have loved to be able to cast them properly...
so many lumps and bumps yet they feel so smooth...
unique and so very, very, different from each other...

Just love the thought of all the adventures those little feet have had, and are going to have, as they grow...

Thanks for the medicine Mouse...

So many things I should be doing... what with Christmas round the corner and family birthdays, and the wood for the cupboard doors I am making having just been delivered...

instead, courtesy of recently discovered mousie's, direction to impacted nurse and a free ebook, I have been laughing out loud...

hospital humour... truly good for the soul... much needed laughter...

In some ways like a squirrel gathering nuts...

another item for advent - a calendar...

being needed and being wanted....

I was looking at a photo of the two children when they were perhaps two and three, cuddly and chubby sitting in their pyjamas on the kitchen floor, hair ruffled by sleep, big eyes and soft warm skin asking to be picked up and kissed....
and they would have been happy for that until they wriggled away.

R is off sick again today... this bug is virulent... he wants to be here, needs to be here .. and wants to be close ... just like he did when he was small...
work outside the home wasn't feasible at all then because I was needed here...

needed and wanted....
and I wonder how we know we've done a good job - how on earth do you tell? My Dad always says you can only ever do your best... but what if your best isn't good enough..or it's slightly off course... best intentions and all that, but got it wrong...?
and then we have a friend whose Mum had said that the biggest thing you can give your children is your time...while they want it...and I think perhaps thats true.


being needed and being wanted... those two things that make us feel valued...
perhaps thats the real fear of letting go of them as they grow up - that they aren't going to need us or want us any more...
I'm guessing that they possibly won't always need us...
but I hope I'm always wanted.

Perhaps not being needed or wanted is a fear within all of us, regardless of children,
perhaps being needed and being wanted are in themselves needs... and as we let go in one area we search to fill the gap that is left...

a juggling act of needing and wanting - of getting our fix of feeling worthwhile, of being cared for and loved - all things that have to be given freely and that can't be forced or manipulated...

but that start by us caring and loving and giving and trusting, and hoping that our best is in fact good enough - because it has to be... it's all we have...

just ponderings as I look for somewhere else to hang this photo so we actually get to see it more often.

practicing for later...

Thanks for the link to this poem Jayne .
I have looked for it for a while and hadn't found it.

Hope you don't mind me borrowing it... :) x

WARNING
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

Fridays...

After school on fridays we head home for half an hour and then S and I make our way out to swimming.
Now swimming isn't one of my most favourite activities, although I have found the monotony of swimming lengths alone, in a calm pool quite peaceful and meditative in the past, but generally it's not my cup of tea... lots of things put me off the whole experience, but I know it's important that the children learn how to swim well, and so we go.

I watch for a while and I know I should be a more dedicated parent, but it is possibly the longest predictable half an hour of the week... unless there is someone to talk to, or I can lose myself in a book...
then after we've done the whole shower, dried, dressed and hair sorted routine which takes another half an hour minimum!, we travel onwards to dancing and more hanging around until three hours later we end up back at home.
The whole evening is, at best, tediously drawn out...

It's fair to say I'm not at my best on a friday evening.

However, this friday I watched S for a bit, and then sat watching the other parents taking an avid interest in their childrens swimming lesson - they were either enjoying it, or being far more gracious about it than I am - and I became aware, that in the not too distant future, when we no longer do this, it'll be a part of life I'll miss.

This part of life that I don't really enjoy...
even this is special, and should be treasured...
this time, is time we can't get back,
these things add up to the whole picture,
and perhaps even the things that aren't as enjoyable in life are still worth appreciating for what they are...

It gave me a slightly different perspective anyway...

so we'll see if next week is any the easier for those thoughts...

4.20pm today....

on the way home from school... S took this photo - we went to see if our pebble footprints were still there.. no surprises that they had been washed away.
We also went to clear our heads in the space between day and evening, after school and before homework, to break the intensity and take five...

the sky is rarely less than spectacular no matter when you look at it... one of those amazing mysteries that keeps us pondering.... light and dark, reflections and moods... full of beauty and expression... the unknown...
no wonder it enticed man to want to explore it searching for what lay beyond... and to dream...

and then, literally just behind us, in a totally different, contrasting scene, the moon was already up!




By the time we had arrived back home the scene had changed, the light had dimmed and we carried on with our evening activities... just a memory, bar the photos.... fleeting.... it would be sad, if it wasn't for the promise that the dawn will bring with it yet more beauty....
am pleased we stopped to absorb...

Keeping out of mischief...

There has to be more to life than working - that is until I find myself in a job doing the things I love again, things that matter to me...
so aside from work I've been keeping myself out of mischief...

nearly all the Christmas cards are made and soon I'll feel kindly enough towards them again to consider writing them... for years I have promised myself I'l be more organised and maybe even write properly to some people I never get around to writing to....

not sure how far resources will stretch to presents this year - we're also looking at R junior having seven teeth out under general anaesthetic before Christmas which makes me feel incredibly responsible, scared and stony broke in anticipation (orthodontic work has to be done privately and is costly, but makes long term sense as it's functional and not cosmetic ) ....
I'm not liking the number of times I am tempted to blog about dentists... must mean they have far more of a presence in my life than I'd like...

we've been busy collecting corks from friends and restaurants for a cork board which is about a third of the way finished and looking good,

there's been more playing on the beach time - at the weekend we took the children down and made long lines of footprints across the beach in pebbles... which got me thinking about words and how words find you at the right times sometime... books and poems that speak to one person at a particular time... I remember how much comfort my Mum got from the footprints verse years ago and likewise there are words that mean lots to me and doubtless everyone has things that mean something to them...
what makes us race through somebooks and yet others can drag on for ever...?
lately I've been racing, absorbing words and thoughts and feelings...

the garden is calling as is the ironing pile... and domestic chores wait patiently... far too much like work really...

Nature's lace...

treasure at the edge of the path...

The wonder of nature has always amazed me, such detail and intricacy, and as long as noone tramples it, it will only get more beautiful and fragile... .

Peace every day...

peaceful reflections of town

It's been too long without photos...

Right now life has been full of family stuff... time taken up over the past weeks with aunts and uncles who have been over visiting. Somehow it always sends my head into a spin, it fills up until it's about to burst, I stop being able to think logically and because you can't please everyone I end up pleasing noone.
Somehow it's all too easy to fall short of the expectations other people have of you, aswell as keeping up with the important bits in our lives - the kids and R and all the related activities and evening classes.

Seems that even when we're too tired or the brain is too full to think, there is still a capacity to feel and life has been full of feelings...

childhood feelings and adult feelings, and hundreds of different feelings, all mixed up together... till it's hard to say how you feel, because you just feel.... and to untangle them all sometimes seems almost pointless, because they change so often, and maybe just to go with the flow... focus on what can be done, and hope they untangle on their own, is all we can do...

So often food and meals have helped... even the good old cup of tea comes to the rescue.... an answer to many things... offerings of food and drink, time and company, are healing I guess....

so I'm off to shop and cook in anticipation of family visitors tomorrow...
and to search out peace in the every day...