We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)

My few days off....

A few days off in a row have led to some rather interesting times.....

time for cleaning chalets now the yearly redecorate is almost complete, meaning a colossal shop for cleaning bits and pieces for the season... and cringing at the sheer volume of chemicals, regardless of the eco friendly contingent...

time spent with the family playing and enjoying each other - time to practise our unicycling skills - or lack of them....:) bringing out the stilts and pogo stick too....

time for haircuts and the eventual demise of the clippers - fortunately just as I came to the end of little R's haircut...

and some interesting conversations - unpressured time together can lead to ideas settling and taking shape - after which I feel rather like a kitten stuck up a tree... moving forwards, but knowing that there is an inevitable leap to the next tree not far ahead...

The Birthday surprise...

Finally the carpentry skills were revealed

and inside the box.... my very own hand made dream catcher :)

I have been inspired over the past months by various photo blogs.... and at various times I am inspired enough to give it a go....

yesterday I had a wonderful photo.... I was right next to several birds on our feeders, I had the camera ready but just at the critical second... they flew....

no bird photos from yesterday....

then when I returned, our cat, who is losing weight and who is, either through hunger pangs or increased energy, hunting more lately, had brought a bird into the house to play with and there were feathers everywhere....

fortunately we were able to let the bird fly and hope it wasn't too shocked to survive...

so I then set myself the challenge of capturing one of the many feathers on camera.... it's not easy, but it is fun... and quite addictive :)

It's quiet and peaceful, the lists of jobs are waiting. I flew back home to get on with them before going to collect the children from school. I opened the post, made a cup of tea, pottered around clearing bits and pieces but haven't got around to much else yet .....

This weekend R spent time with his friend, the one he thought he might not get to see again... it was wonderful... they laughed and played, tinkered, customised the kett car - or at least started to, dismantled gears, removed brakes... played music and were brilliant company for each other.
Any sadness or uncertainty about anything was put to one side as they stopped thinking and threw themselves into being and doing and enjoying every second of time they had together.

Seizing the moment and living it.

Sometimes I think thats what energises me about watching my children ... they ooze vitality from the inside out and it's catching.... as long as I let it...

perhaps there comes a time when we have to stop thinking quite so much and get on with doing....at least for a while, and hope the rest will fall into place...

There has been very little spare time recently, and when there has been any, I have had a tendency to give in to tiredness and fall asleep at any opportunity. Reading has come to an almost complete standstill, so blogs are almost ideal, not too long, and providing my brain with titbits of information, links and connections to ponder on over the day.

I took this very quick photo on my phone last year and was reminded of it when I spied something similar posted over at Mr Tumnus.

It takes me back to one of my happy places.... memories brought to mind by a post from The Harbour of Ourselves.

I seem to have many happy places, though beaches and sea feature in those closest to home.
This was on a secluded beach towards the end of the day, with a couple of friends, a barbeque and a guitar watching the sun go down and just being together.

It makes me smile just remembering.... it's good to be reminded of our happy places, and curious how a coincidence of words and images together can link to conjure up otherwise dormant memories.

Blogging...
some people have wise and wonderful words, some people have wonderful photos.

I just know that somewhere in most days there are moments of beauty and wonder that even if I can't embrace, I can at least acknowledge they are there.
Some days they are in abundance and some days they may hardly be visible....

I don't really know what to think....and I don't know how I feel...
Cancer is a destructive word that encompasses so many different presentations.... yet because of it's label it evokes a certain fear that even logic and reason can't totally overcome.

Today my Mum said goodbye to it for the fourth time...Once is bad luck, twice you grit your teeth and get through it, three times it feels as if someone is really taking the mickey, and now four times..... surgery is great.. sometimes (like today) it can be cut out and thrown away... and that beats the chemo and radiotherapy any day.

We are all a wee bit bruised and battered but we're still here...

Its been a shaky day. Work, waiting for Mum to return from theatre... me and Dad sitting yet again... a real sense of deja vu!

It's also been a day for making icecream - as we started sorting through old toys the icecream maker was rescued!

A day when an unexpected meeting with someone I have only ever spoken to on the phone took me by surprise but meant so much...

and a day when I watched the sun set with Sam and rocky the rabbit and we wondered what it would have been like before the houses were built and we could see right out to sea....

It was a beautiful day today, and as we started the mammoth task of spring cleaning the garden, this little guy decided to keep us company -
he ate worms ALL day, often fitting three or four in his beak at once...

My lovely friend Jayne takes far better bird pictures than this, but I was impressed we even managed one :)

There is so much left to do, both in the chalets and in the garden, that it is almost overwhelming.. but small steps and we will get there.

We discovered a couple of dead trees in part of the bordering hedge that will need replacing with something.... now it is just to decide what...

Later on, in the still of the early evening I was returning from a trip to the gym and I was struck by the sunset tonight, enough to deviate from my usual route so I could get a better view.

I stopped by the coast.

There were people sitting outside the pub laughing and chatting as the sun went down, people sitting on the sea wall eating fish and chips and sharing a bottle of wine, as I leant on the wall to try and catch the moment before the red finally disappeared I was aware of people sitting on the beach with picnics and drinks - it was peaceful, calm and stunningly beautiful, right here on my doorstep...

Summer is only a stone's throw away :)

"How old do I have to be before I can have a mobile phone?" is a question my son has been asking ever since various friends and classmates have been being given phones.
Our answer has always been that he will get one when there is a situation that warrants him having one.
So, after much thought, and considering the fact he is away for eight days staying with one his friends over Easter, on a farm in Gloucestershire, we decided to buy a new sim card for one of our old mobiles so he would have contact should he want it...
Only problem is we then discover he's in a valley with no mobile signal.... !!! It was worth the thought though :-)

Eight days... seems like forever.... I'm counting the days, or the sleeps... just like counting down to Christmas .....
He was homesick before he went, but sounds like he's having a totally brilliant time.....
most of it sounds like activity I can condone as long as I'm not there to watch it - the kind of thing I always imagine Dads do more with sons.... mountain boarding.... I hadn't heard of it until he went... and today was going to involve a JCB!..... he is outdoors, having fun and getting muddy - and I don't have to wash his clothes... yet !

Sam is still here at home, and has spent the holiday so far mainly with a friend learning how to heelie... it looks so much fun, I can just imagine myself whizzing down the corridors of the hospital extra fast.... :)

R is decorating the chalets ready for the fast approaching season, and I should be helping more than I am, but I have had to work - the first year I have ever had to work over the Easter holidays.

However, as of today, I am officially off until next tuesday, so it's paintbrushes and gardening equipment at the ready for tomorrow - oh and time to watch Sam heelie :)

How football is bad for the nerves

After several years of standing watching football on a Saturday morning... and sometimes Sundays too, I have seen tiny tots running around in chaos, develop and change into lads showing some signs of organisation, and occasional communication on the pitch.

Today was the semi final of an important cup between all the clubs on the island. It also meant that boys who had been playing on the same team last week representing their island, now played against each other on opposing teams.

Sam and I arrived at half time to find our team 3:0 up.....
Foolishly, oh so very foolishly..... I promised Sam we wouldn't have to stand for too long in the cold today.
The second half however saw the other team come back to equalise.
Many close calls, and valiant efforts later meant that even after 20 minutes of extra time it was still equal.
I could barely watch as the tension rose during the following penalties.... it was still equal.
Sadly they needed a winner to go forward to the final....
it was on to sudden death penalties - my football knowledge is minimal, but I am starting to get it slightly...

We watched as R came forward to take the next penalty.... I know why it is called sudden death...!

I forced myself to watch, and very thankfully he scored.... whatever happened after then, we had been spared an afternoon of gloom....

and then the icing on the cake... the goalie saved the next penalty and it was all over, R had won the winning penalty and saved the game for them...
you can't get closer than that!

Two hours after he had started, and an hour and a half after I promised Sam we wouldn't be long, we made our way home...

I wonder at the way football has wheedled it's way into my life, it has brought many blessings, and is now testing my nerves in ways I never thought it could...

If I dare, I will be at the final on April 24th....

People are so kind.... thankyou for your comments on my previous post, thay are much appreciated.

The Easter holidays are upon us now, and term finished for the children with the school disco..... S, as usual, was true to herself in a beautiful flowing skirt and t shirt, regardless of the other girls style.... long may her individuality shine and not be crushed by pressure to conform :)

R had an equally good time, as he strays into the territory of girls yet again....

Hormones are rife around this house, but the less said possibly the better.... enough that hygiene, deodorants and hair gel are in evidence.... I'll gloss over mood swings and attitude!

I do thank God profusely that I have R to support me as I feel very inept at this and incredibly protective over him - I may well hand over the reins to the male who knows, for fear of being way too overprotective. Perhaps I'll settle into it soon :)

Life has taken me away from many of the things that matter to me recently - which is why I am so pleased I was able to spend the afternoon with S sowing the seeds she had chosen a couple of weeks ago.
We worked, we chatted, we got our hands dirty, we even opened some stock seed pods I had saved from a few years ago, and sowed them too - I have no idea if they will come up or not.

A simple task, a promise fulfilled, and now we wait to see the results...

Once more I am reminded in concrete terms of how much the small things matter.
So much I can't do - but this wasn't hard, it just needed me to be there....... and time.
Sometimes that seems almost impossible.

The wizard...

We're back from seeing the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz... S had two performances at school today and another two tomorrow...

She was brilliant.... but then I would say that!

I now have catchy songs playing through my head... along with 'somewhere over the rainbow'!

I wonder what really lies at the end of the rainbow...

maybe all our childhood dreams?

Whenever I see children performing anything... or even just playing together, I love the way their energy just oozes out of them, and I don't ever want them to lose it...

I'm tired tonight - I've made it to the gym three days in a row and I'm waiting to feel revitalised...... it's a long time coming! I just feel achy and exhausted!

R has his school play on Monday - he's not that excited about it - but we DO have more football at the weekend.... the muratti which he is excited about - unfortunately he has been nursing an injured ankle - a collateral ligament injury since his game in Southampton, we're hoping he will be ok to play on the day....

Tomorrow is the first day of spring.

It's freezing ( though not quite literally) today, but the sun is shining and it looks wonderful, one of these days soon I will get out to carry on clearing the garden....

The past few days seem to have been mainly art related - which is satisfying and achievable... although deadlines are always stressful.... but because they are projects as opposed to commissions, I can be involved too....

a glass of wine and a paintbrush, some music and time together - life's not bad really! :)

Friday was spent concentrating on a large Irish landscape and rainbow for a St.Patricks day ball a friend was arranging, and much of Sunday was spent putting together the school display for this year's Eisteddfod. Yesterday after work I collected the remainder of the pieces to put up and added the final touches before R took the school inspector along to it today.

The school inspection has also played a major part in our lives recently - the build up and preparation for it... I can't understand why they don't just turn up and see what goes on in a normal day, although I suppose it's always nice to have advance notice of visitors.. there is a huge part of me that feels what they see is very contrived. Anyway... thats on this week and so far so good....

Perhaps Spring really is in the air - I woke with a compulsion to clear and sort.. and the piles of paperwork have diminished considerably...... though everywhere I look there is more to clear, and when that's done there is decorating to start.....

The plant is my mother's day present from the children... a citrus tree for the conservatory

We had a fantastic trip.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time - I know that sounds so sad, but it's true :)

The boys played magnificently and I was so proud, not just of Footballer R but of the whole team... they were truly a whole team.

Supporters were few from our island, but we made up for lack of numbers in our enthusiasm, and the team seemed pleased to have some support... my usual quiet persona completely changes when I'm on the side lines and I suddenly find my voice!

We only planned to turn up for their matches and it was pure coincidence that our paths crossed while shopping and after lunch on the way to the final match of the tour.

It was lovely to see R's face light up whenever we did bump into each other ~ it seems I haven't damaged any street cred yet!

Even my friend and shopping partner, S, who is a non footballing Mum was cheering them along with me at the last game.

Football aside, we shopped ~ I don't shop very often but soon got the hang of that too ~ and we ate and shared chocolate, managed to navigate our way to Newbury and Portsmouth feeling very Thelma and Louise like and rested our weary brains and legs watching Music and Lyrics at the cinema!

In a strange way something was happening ~ it could be called healing, hope, peace, space, warmth, love... who knows, medicine for a bruised soul ~ and as we turned to come back home from the last match I looked at the sky and took this picture.

It changes nothing, yet somehow we are given the tools to help us cope and take on the next challenge.

It was a very special, very precious trip.

The children's enthusiasm for various things is infectious.... why else would I end up going on football tour?
We are packed and waiting to be picked up to go to the airport.
The excitement is palpable, we have tickets, passports, and R junior has all his kit.
R and S will have a great time together. The Mother and son and Father and daughter split is rarely done ~ treasured time, although it has been made quite clear to me that these are boys on tour.... and parents, I imagine especially Mum's, are not really that cool.... so I will stand on the side lines, cheer them along and take my place... then disappear to shop at my leisure.... :)
R is fine about me being around - he likes the idea - I just hope he is still happy when we return....

It was a beautiful sunny day...

Loss, change, grief, familiar subjects to me both in theory and in life....

I once attended a conference entiltled 'Ordinary days, shattered lives'.... how true that statement is.

We can never know where it will come from or when... and when it does, it hits harder and deeper than anyone ever tells you.

Sometimes it is easier to not feel or think, just doing is the only way through....
Yesterday I spent just doing...and trying hard not to think.
Today I am in shock, stunned... all is ok... yet I am left reeling

I might not leave this up for long... yet without posting I'm not sure I'd find the words to come after it.

It is the gradual return to reality and normality....

I am ok, my family are ok.

Tomorrow I fly with R junior to Southampton on football tour.
Three days space and time to let me think again, and expand my world beyond those immediately surrounding me.
Right now my world feels very, very, small.

We dwell in possibilities that lie ahead....

so many things flying around my fuddled brain lately.
The migraine retreated but didn't leave completely.... enough to let me go out to a wine tasting, but not enough to let me taste any wine :(

I haven't given up alcohol for lent - somehow it seems to have given me up!

Now and again conversations about being true to ourselves, about only getting one go at this life and not having regrets, seem to surface. They are wise, well worn phrases that sit comfortably, quietly in the corner until something happens to give real meaning to the words.

Confronting us with the real challenge of finding a way of actually living out those ideals.

Somehow, and it's uncanny, yet, when these big questions come up we find ourselves faced with just the right people at the right time to help us sort out whatever dilemma is facing us.

Last night was one of those times, letting me glimpse even just small possibilities.

Strangely today, despite many questions and uncertainties, my soul feels soothed...

things work in mysterious ways.....