The start of a brand new relationship

Slowly does it...

The ordinary pc we use for e mail and the one I use for blogging has had a major blip, internet access has died, giving us an unrecognisable front page getting nowhere, so we've been getting more familiar with this imac.... it's sleek and smooth and feels very ....new and tentative.

We discovered the camera, well Sam and I did - she's losing her voice but keeps on trying it out as it sounds different.
She wrote an amazing poem today. I'd love to share them, but I don't feel I can put them up here, they aren't mine to share. Instead we are keeping them safe, trying to not lose her random thoughts.
This page looks different, I imagine it'll just take a while to get used to - I'm missing icons for links and font choices....
Will ponder that tomorrow after some rest. If anyone has any helpful ideas on how colour, size and links can be accessed on a mac please let me know :) Cheers, x

Edit : Thanks Jayne all back to normal, toys back in place :)

Hormones....

Premenstrual, emotional, clumsy, not the most promising of days, yet resurrected after messing up at lunchtime by the kindness of friends.

I imagine god chuckling as he added hormones to the human mix, that certain x factor of unpredictability and irrationality...

The process of discovery

Thoughts from today - Firstly thanks to Jayne for her recommendation of seasonal music from Jewel, which has filled our house while we decorate, and thanks to Caroline for the most compelling and interesting Esopus magazine - a present that I couldn't help but dip into whilst trying not to earmark the corners.
Esopus is an insight into artists (of all kinds) thinking, processes and work.

As someone who fell on the science side of the line at school I'm enjoying my ventures into artists worlds, much as I am enjoying the discovery of authors I hadn't come across until I started blogging - Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, Mike Yaconelli, Douglas Coupland, Frederick Beuchener and Philip Yancey. Perhaps art, faith and religion can be accessible, readable and digestible to everyday folk when presented in the right way...

A totally unrelated issue has surfaced lately since a homework was set on crude oil.
After an extremely quick search for information, the fact that "At current consumption levels, world oil supply would be gone in about 33 years" leapt out at me..... one scary thought - I knew reserves were low, but hadn't realised quite how low - in 33 years my children will be slightly older than I am now, and what then - we have to be accountable and responsible for how we live our lives and what we do to the planet.

Perhaps it's not a thought I'd have felt so strongly about had I not got children - seeing as one person I shared this with brushed it aside with an "I won't be here so it won't affect me."

I'm all for living for today - I've seen and felt far too much death not to, but tomorrow has to be planned for too

Its almost unremarkable...

Sometimes it seems that the highs and lows just even out with neither excessive jubilation nor devastation, and life trundles along fairly evenly, even if it does increase in speed at times. At times when we're keeping up there might be nothing out of the ordinary or of special note to comment on.
I can hear little R laughing, hear him and S chatting, all the food is ready and prepared for tonight when the house will be full with friends and their children, yesterday a lady who recognised me from dancing and my previous work in schools smiled and we spent time chatting, Nibbles the school hamster is visiting again, this time with a new house and extra baggage, including a cool seesaw.... all the sequins are stuck on the tutu, the christmas tree is ready to put up, we're all healthy....for the moment anyway. We have more to fit in than hours to accommodate it all and yet we're running and keeping up.
These small details are the highlights that give purpose and sparkle to an otherwise unremarkable time, the things that rock my world for the moment....
Sometimes there is very little to say.

3.10 pm Saturday

Its just gone kickoff, Liverpool v Man City and my two boys are there watching.
They have great seats in the Kop stand, right near the front on the corner where Gerrard takes his corners apparently

I wanted to record the match but it's ony viewable via sky in Ireland :-(

They were so excited, flew out last night and there have been texts coming regularly since. I spoke to them from inside Anfield and little R sounded quieter than I'd imagined he would, quite obviously overwhelmed at the whole experience.

R says it is amazing, it's changed from when he was last there, and they are having a fantastic time. I wish I could be there, but its a Father and Son experience I know they will treasure.

We're having a girlie weekend, all calm and quiet without the boys, strangely organised and unhassled, late getting out of bed, time sitting reading, pain au chocolat and coffee, bubble baths and off out shopping....

Liverpool won 1-0, Gerrard scored just in front of them, they are back at the hotel now and it's starting to sink in - I said to little R he could dream about it all tonight and he said "it is a dream, thank you..." Moments that last forever in our memories, I'm so delighted for him and can't wait to see them both tomorrow

People who leave footprints...

Not sure why, but this guy is in my thoughts today..

I was 20, living in Clapham, working as a nurse, travelling on the Northern line tube into work sometimes very early, and often returning late at night. It was on this commute that I met him. I'm fairly sure his name was John. I knew him for the best part of five years, but you can know someone and not really have to use their name.

He'd always say hello and we'd talk, catching up on how life was treating us both. Over time we found out various parts of our history. He'd had a wealthy lifestyle somewhere in Ireland, but it had all gone wrong. He still had family over there, but wasn't in touch. He'd struggled with alcohol and drug addictions but was clear of them for most of the time I knew him. He sold the big issue and slept rough much of the time. He talked about his sadness, we shared lots. He was a friendly face, a warm heart. He was a point of safety too, looking out for me on the way home, especially at night. He was a friend.

When I met Rob, he became Rob's friend too. Rob would wait for me so he could walk me home after a late shift, and I'd find them chatting.

Then we moved up to Birmingham.

Now I haven't got a clue where he is or what he's doing. I think of him fairly often, and if we're in London and pass through Clapham Common tube I always look out, half expecting to see him.

He was important in my life then.

There's nothing pressing I want to say to him now, I just can't help thinking.

Wondering and pondering

The week started here after a couple of days off, refreshed and with a few more jobs crossed off the to-do list. Still no need to wear socks or coats even. A good mornings work and a full hours workout at the gym, with plenty of time to reflect on anything and everything.

Today it was mainly about all those whose days are shaped by the results they receive within the hospital.

The good news and the bad news.

As I'm going about my normal day some people's lives are being changed radically and all those caught up in the ripples will feel it too. Sometimes that seems such a huge concept.

I'm always astounded at how much a simple "how are you feeling today?" can reveal.

So many people just want to talk, want to tell someone, even though that person might not be able to actually change the situation.

So, pondering, kind of praying, wondering if praying really works, but thinking anyway and pondering some more. Wondering if the gym is really the place to be pondering and wondering and kind of praying /thinking these things, but they're occupying my mind. Then it's off to school.

The day starts all over again when I pick up the children - full of their day, how exams have gone, all the details that make up and colour their time away from me.

In with this information was a snippet from R that didn't add up.

We were reminded yet again, that as so often happens, for some people it's not what you know, but who you know, and sadly how much money you have and how well thought of you are, what job you do, what you wear, what car you drive, and more than that, it's who and what your parents are.....

I know this happens, but I really, really, dislike it, and when things like that filter through and have an effect on my children, I get mad, and sad, and hurt. More so than if it only affected me.

I wonder at how hard it can be to bring a child up to believe in themselves when society can be so reluctant to see past the trappings of life to the value of the person underneath.

Fortunately he is fine with it, and seems to have far more of a balanced perspective than I had initially had as a protective mother.

The twig in silver

So, the twig is now cast and needs work to tidy it up in places.

It's far too heavy for any jewellery I can think of, so perhaps a smaller twig needs to be found for that purpose.

I do like the transformation though.

It's very tactile, and I love the shapes and images that were hidden in the wood and enhanced by the cuttlefish in the casting process.

Are there two people or three in there?

Exposed

I knew it was coming, and I knew it was coming soon. We'd got away with it as long as any parent can.

I've always been honest with the kids and whatever has cropped up we've talked about, to whatever degree seemed right at the time. Sex, drugs, relationships, religion - often those questions requiring most concentration being brought up at the most awkward times...... and it's always me who gets them.

However, this was one I was dreading, the untruth we've perpetuated, loved being a part of, had to be exposed.
Why yesterday I have no idea, why in the corner of a restaurant, but suddenly it was there in front of me.

So.... deep breath

K "is anyone in your class talking about Christmas yet?"

Little R " a few"

K " do you think many people believe in Father Christmas in your class?"

Little R " I don't think many people do"

K "do you?"

Little R "I believe whatever you tell me"

K ( oh dear what have we done - this is painful, he's so trusting and beautiful and innocent still)

* K finally tells the truth *

Little R smiles "oh! thats ok, I won't tell S though"

We talk about Lapland, the magic of it and the spirit of Christmas, and thats it....



The moment had come and gone

Breathing again...

Its crisp and cold here in the mornings, yet so clear it makes me want to breathe extra deeply.
When the sun comes out it is breathtaking.

The evenings feel similar. The other day the moon was hiding just behind a cloud, and Sam and I really did see the silver lining(s) in the cloud..... they do exist!

If we'd had a camera at that moment, I'd have taken a photo, but I can't help thinking some moments are far better experienced, absorbed, internalised and appreciated in their entirety, for what they are, instead of trying to capture them on film and missing the essence of it.
I have struggled with this too when I watch the children in various productions, though fortunately someone else is normally recording an event if it's important.

There's a momentum building again in R's art work, with some very varied possibilities and potential exhibitions ahead.
This brings with it a whole new energy and feel to the house, and has an effect on everyone. It's as if it breathes a new life into the place - works in progress and new ideas being formulated and discussed. Its also a reason to get out and experience anew, wonders of nature, that require nothing more than for us to just step outside.

We don't need a reason, but I know we do it more when we have one.
His work envelops us all. I've noticed there is a different kind of calmness when we have art permeating our lives, in whatever form.

For now I'm breathing deeply and enjoying the shift thats occurring.

Laughter is the best medicine?

Not sure how to post 'you tube' clips, but this made us laugh when Richard found it :-)

Sifting through the oddments

It's not that there hasn't been anything to write lately, it's just that life overtakes thoughts, or at least the coherent ones, and it's far easier to read others' than to organise my own.

Just before half term, my car had a close encounter with a wall, so it's in being mended and I'm now running around in a lovely manual car from the garage whose horn sounds just like Noddy's!

Once it's all sorted we will be looking for a new second hand car - I have no idea why I let myself be persuaded into buying an automatic car in the first place.

We're building up to my Mum going in for an operation on her foot later this month, which will render her non weight- bearing, on crutches for six weeks, all over Christmas, New Year, her birthday and my Dad's birthday.
Losing her independence like this, albeit for a restricted time, will be hard for her but will no doubt send ripples outwards and have an effect on those around her.
Navigating the whole independence/dependence mine field is tricky, whether it is from my relationship with my parents, my children, or my work colleagues. When the balance changes from the norm we are used to, it throws up new challenges for everyone involved.

Health issues have been uppermost too since one of my best friends has been concerned about her daughter, who is the same age as Sam, and they are now waiting for results of scans to see what it is, and how best to move forward. It's been a long wait, and if it's seemed long to me, it must have seemed like eternity for her.

Christmas is being pushed at me against my will, but then I have missed postage for Australia apparently ( note in diary for September next year!) I am finding myself getting extremely irritated that shops are playing Christmas carols when we haven't even got to advent, we're hardly into November and not even past bonfire night. Does it really encourage sales figures? perhaps it does and I forgot the true meaning of Christmas lies in maximising profit.

However, it's not all dismal - the bright crisp weather is holding out as if in eager anticipation that one day I will make it out to start putting the garden to bed for the winter.

Little R has football trials tomorrow for the under 11 island football team - excitement to balance his revision and work at school - exams in a week's time

Sam is preparing for a dance festival in the new year, and I now have hundreds of sequins to stick on her orange tutu....... orange! at least it's colourful :-)

and I'm starting to think that the most difficult initial part of this transition period from one job to another is coming to a close and now its about keeping the momentum going that I've been striving to build up...

It's been hard but it's getting easier.

Distractions

When / if I change job again I think I'll make sure it's something I can do standing on my head - I do believe there are some people who choose the easier path and those who always choose the more challenging route.
I'm currently on one of the five minute breaks I'm allocating myself, after each half hour of study. The only thing is, it turns into far longer than five minutes, and there are so many distractions.



Distractions like shoes and boots.....

Finding boots to fit is almost as much a nightmare for me as jeans (Samtzmom's post today), so I was delighted to find this site on the web - recommended by a friend who has shared similar embarrassing shoe shop experiences when zips don't slide effortlessly up on a dream pair of boots - expensive, but worth it.... I wonder?

They do shoes too :-)



Am now searching for a made to measure jeans site that doesn't involve stripping in a pod in Selfridges ...

Wrapped up

There are days, when the only thing that feels right are the oldest most comfortable jeans, even though they're nearly worn through, an extra large warm woolly fleece, a big mug of tea, a log fire, some favourite music and the prospect of something nicer than studying or contemplating the other various obstacles that need to be overcome in the next few months...

I'm back from our break - which was infused with art of all kinds, coffee, wine, cheese, chocolate, shopping, music, reading, exploring, walking and just being as a family.

On the way out I met a friend of a friend, who I'd been thinking of, following the pub experience. I've always found it odd that some kind of fortuitous coincidence means I'll often bump into the right person at just the right time to give me what I need.
In this case a whole heap of most welcome reassurance.

The trip was not entirely stress free.
As so often happens, I had been responsible for travel arrangements. It wasn't the best start...
We travelled as foot-passengers on the ferry, then had a bus to catch to our hotel.
The decision not to take the car had been purposeful. However, occupying the children while we waited for nearly three hours for French public transport to arrive was somewhat of a challenge.
When we were finally shown into our compact, family room at the hotel, where there were three beds neatly made up in a row, with barely enough space to walk between them, my heart sank. Lesser forgiving families would have lynched me, instead they laughed and the beds were, at least, comfortable.
We had barely sat down when the clock on the tower started to chime. It was the clocktower hotel afterall....
it chimed religiously every quarter of an hour. The thought hadn't crossed my mind when I booked it.

However, once we had taken all this in and bought earplugs the holiday took an upward spiral. We even enjoyed the simplicity of our accommodation, as we only really needed a place to sleep.
We relaxed, the kids relaxed and we had fun. We walked and explored, visited artists as they worked and attempted to converse in our basic french.

We ate out in restaurants and the children were welcomed - I had forgotten just how much I love French mealtimes, taking their time and savouring both food and company.
Being slightly out of season many restaurants were closed so we were eating with local families who couldn't have been more friendly and genuine. It was a shared experience.

Nothing about the holiday was pretentious or false, most things were so incredibly simple.
Even the hotel fitted the holiday, although a non chiming one would have been preferential.

Fortunately the homeward journey was straightforward and uneventful and today was back to football and domesticity.

Sam still yearns for a smart hotel experience, and Disneyland beckons too - I'm sure they'll be fun when we get to them, but simple was just right for now.

Last orders....

No, I haven't joined some religious group where alcohol is deemed the devils brew or such like. It's far more practical and logical than that - and temporary!! :-)

However, I did spend all night last night in a pub.
I've been thinking about pubs quite a bit lately - partly due to Julie's brave new adventure - and partly due to a programme I watched last week about Aberfan, where it talked about how the community would want to hang on, in the pub after hours, instead of going home.

Pubs have featured a fair bit in my life socially over the years - it was where we would meet after stressful shifts to debrief and reflect before going home - before formal reflective practice was expected as part of our ongoing professional development, when we just coped, just supported each other as part of the team, shared experiences and the like.

Sunday evenings at the pub were just as much accepted as Church - 8pm at the Bedford Inn would see a number of us gathered to catch up and share where we were, what we were doing etc

Many huge subjects have been discussed, unburdened and made more manageable in the pub, there is something about the atmosphere that can make for more effective free flowing conversation, regardless of alcohol.

Evenings when deepest fears can be aired.
Evenings like last night.

It was quite some evening....

My reflection on the way home was that, quite possibly, the biggest risk any of us can take, is to have children.
I'm sure there is no bigger love than that of a parent for their child, and therefore there is no greater risk.

I'm not sure we'd have had the same conversation and the same outcome in different surroundings - it was what needed to come out.

Last night, the pub was important.

A new routine

Good days are interspersed with more difficult days at work - learning a new skill in addition to a new job is more tiring than it would seem.
The children are following my progress and pitfalls with interest and encouragement. I need to do my homework but I'm finding it's all too easy to just fall asleep.

With this in mind we have embarked on a new routine - early to bed, early to rise, which means I'm in work earlier but still just as tired at the end of the day! On top of this we have given up alcohol and increased exercise - now it's just a case of getting used to it all, and I'm sure I'll be re-energised and able to read everything I have to and want to, reply to my e mails and texts and write proper letters, and generally get done what needs to :-)

the best feeling in the world

Sam couldn't sleep tonight.

When they were small I'd fairly often cuddle them until they fell asleep in my arms. It has to be one of the most beautiful feelings in the entire world.

So I wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to savour the sleepy softness of her nestled into my neck, arms wrapped around me until she relaxed into a peaceful slumber.

A perfect way to end a day.

The twig, part one

In the summer I picked up this small piece of twig while we were out walking with S and his boys around the reservoir, with plans to try and cast it in silver, and add something sparkly to it.

Last night saw the start of this process. Hopefully we'll try casting it using cuttlefish, and then, as long as the twig is intact, we can try with a silicone mould too.

Its strange how not long after starting this, the twig, which we have all had a good laugh at, has turned into something precious and meaningful to me, and now I'm taking great care not to knock bits off it....
Then again there's something I like about that too

The biggest dream when I was a child

Your letter was only the start of it,
One letter, and now you're a part of it.
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you...
There must be something that you always want to do,
The one thing that you always wanted to
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you and you...

When I was little I used to watch Jim'll fix it almost religiously - watching all kinds of dreams come true. I'm sure if it was still running now little R would have written in to ask to watch Liverpool play live at Anfield.

Yesterday I managed to get hold of two tickets for Liverpool v Manchester City at Anfield in November, double checked flights and hotels, and then broke the news - it was a really special moment, filled with disbelief, excitement and tears of joy . I'm sure he thought it would never happen.
Now and again I find him suddenly grinning as he thinks of it.

He's so happy it's infectious.