New days...

It's a new day, and I guess last night will be one of those moments many people won't forget, where they were, and who they were with while the American election was taking place, and the moment they heard the results.
Such hope and expectation tied up in a moment and a choice, and then there comes a time when walking the walk becomes a reality from talking the talk... not an easy thing to do.

How can we know the significance of our choices and how they may shape lives...? I find that a huge thought generally, and have rarely been as interested as I was yesterday to see how things worked out.

Change and possibility linger and give strength to hope and belief perhaps.

On a slightly separate note and thought ~ yet still related in my brain

I have just been over at Liz's blog reading her diary of her time in Palestine, the same trip big John and same harbour, new shelter were on and have been writing about. I can't imagine what it is like to visit, let alone live there, but need to hear their stories to make it real, and I want my children to know about them too. Stories and experiences need to be shared, need the cold light of day, as shocking as they are.
Either I have been deaf and blind, not in the right place at the right time, or just totally unaware, or alternatively it could be that the information isn't being made accessible enough to every day people, but I knew relatively little about this until recently. Until then it had never featured on my information radar and yet I still know very little, despite reading here and there, and trying to keep it as simple as I can for easy absorption and to make it easier to relay to others in the family at some point.

Information like this needs to be a part of education as much as anything else is.
Information and awareness, which may somehow bring about change...possibly, somehow.

I'm pleased they are writing and sharing their images too, they are worth a look.

Today is a new day with a new American president, and tonight there are fireworks which are totally unrelated... It's a good day - a new start perhaps...lets hope

Impulsive and decadent

Slightly impulsive, a bit decadent, on a whim, and in response to a party invite, we jumped on a plane and caught up with some friends we haven't seen for about three years, aswell as having fun with new ones...

drinking and playing with sparklers.

It was a whirlwind, but excellent fun and to be recommended. We left the children behind and so could party without feeling responsible...

Stepping out of normal life for even a day, feels like far longer though.

I am tired but revived.

We did come home to some sad news, which was totally out of the blue, but still it reinforces the need to take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want to do sometimes...

People

I have a much welcome day off today with plenty to fill it.
I so want to catch up on reading that I haven't got around to, people I want to give time to without feeling I have to rush off, but that may have to wait until this evening...

I mentioned in my last post two blogs from people who have just returned from a trip to Palestine with stories and experiences to share. I know the links were quite a way down the post, so here they are again - Big John and Paul, it is worth clicking their way.


Life at Rainbow dreams continues much as ever.
Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but hugely consequential for those of us who live here.

I am mid way through my teaching qualification that I am studying for at night class. I have completed over half the written assessments and in just under two weeks I will have my practical assessment, after which I can relax a little about it all....I will be able to get off this hamster wheel once in a while and catch the news on tv and not think that working till gone 11 every night is normal!

The last night class was extra fun as I ended up in a group with a friend from school days - we both went out on a blind date together back then, and have been good friends ever since.
Lessons are lightened somewhat by meeting up although I am sure we weren't this disruptive at school.
However, amidst the (much) laughter and silly comments and innuendo - and egged on by the boys in our group too...who were far worse than we were, we did finally complete our task to design a lesson plan to teach someone who has never seen one before, to ride and maintain a bike.

I am appreciating meeting up with K, reconnecting and catching up ~ I wonder if I value the lessons for that reason as much as their intrinsic value to the course.
It also makes the lessons go more quickly, and makes the dryness of the essay titles slightly more palatable somehow.

I do love the idea that learning should be fun, not something we were familiar with back then!
and I shall try to keep that in mind as I write my next assignment later on today - at the moment my mind is blank!

Sometimes our worlds become insular, I am feeling that at the moment - it feels like I am being very selfish, that I don't have the time to spare for other people as much as I would like.
I know it's not a long term thing but it bothers me, soon I will have more to give, more to say, I am enjoying where I am, mainly that is... but so much gets a superficial taking in and filing 'for later digestion'.

Oh there was a very special moment I can share just before we went away... through the magic of macs and ichat... all my magic moments are around people ... the wondrous Jayne of Journey through Grace, one of my first blogging friends and I, finally met up and spoke face to face and our families were able to meet across the oceans that divide us.... it shall remain one of my highlights for a long time :)

No I am off to sort mountains of paperwork and make a start on my essay,
whilst pondering the bigger things in life

oh and talking of bigger things, I did rather like this post today from typewriter Kate.

Holidays and conversations - please click on links, x

It’s the end of our holiday, and we have walked back down the hill ready to wait for our taxi at 1am. Middle of the night flights add to the sense of adventure ☺
I am surrounded by three sleeping bodies and silence apart from their slow night time breathing.
It is still warm and balmy.
The widescreen tv sits looking at me, a wonderful decorative piece of engineering and a large black box with some tiny speakers next to it…neither of which works, the tv because of some fault and the speakers because they aren’t connected to anything.
The only place to access wifi was at a cocktail bar at the top of the hill (oh what hardship!).
Mobiles have been slightly dubious ~ I called my son, who was out of sight to see where he was, and a greek sounding Cypriot man answered! Fortunately when I did find him he was safely with his Dad, so the mystery of the Cypriot answering his mobile number will remain unless there is something I don’t know.
We have all struggled to adapt to not putting toilet roll down the toilet, but in the bin next to the loo, but on the other hand have found it exceedingly easy to adjust to the slower pace of life, at least in the short term.
Back though, to the isolation from tv ~ even dvd’s proved a slight problem, although the mac did save the day when the dvd player gave up half way through a film we were all watching…
and the absence of the internet as a distraction.
Oh and there were no board games either…

so just us and a whole island to explore ;)





Which meant we actually had to spend time with each other, communicating and being with each other…all of us…which isn’t really such a hardship, apart from ordinarily we break it up with the distractions we just didn’t have here. We do enjoy one anothers company and it is a luxury to find uninterrupted time as adults to talk at leisure about anything and everything.
However, it is also apparent that hormones are surging and raging through my children at the moment and the importance of chill out time and space has never been more evident. Thankfully there was a swimming pool within the complex very rarely used by anyone else but us (we didn’t take it personally) and so chill out time could be just that!

As I watch them sleep now I remember some things that have hit home this holiday. My heart still surges with love when I see them even though I am turning grey and I frequently feel like tearing it out in desperation
There is a slight consolation and some solace from the fact that apparently T’s Mum says exactly the same things to him about the same things…according to R that is…so I’m not alone and also apparently not quite as creative in my responses as I had hoped!

However, and I know it sounds daft, but so often I have reminded myself that, as far as so many things go, in fact this is it, the here and now…there are no second chances, well perhaps there are some, but there is no going back and redoing it over again, which brings things sharply into focus whenever I am drifting off.
Reminds me of how precious this time is with these very special humans who have been given to us. Too true it goes fast, too damn fast.

So when they want to jump in the sea with me I’m going to do it…and the other various things they want us to do with them…it feels a bit like we’re on limited time, when perhaps we’re not really… but just in case I’m not going to risk it.

We didn’t find Aphrodite but we did find the donkeys… all the way to Cyprus to feed donkeys?!



At least we could feed them and see them… I wasn’t sure that turning up at Aphrodites pool and telling the kids they couldn’t swim in it would go down too well.
I was slightly disappointed too – apparently you come out of it ten years younger ☺

We have had adult discussions, grown up ones about various subjects, time to let thoughts and questions be aired and taken seriously. I’d like to think we should have more time like this at home and not have to wait for holidays to do this kind of thing, but home is busy busy busy….full on, far too full on but there never seems to be a let up on activities that fit in around homework, and so space like this is indeed a gift.

Time to think about the important things to us and this family, and also to consider other people, what they are doing and where they are. What it is like to live as another person in another place, another situation.
Blogs we have checked as soon as we have had internet access are those of Big John and Paul who are out in Palestine right now and who will have stories to tell and share when they return, of humans just like all of us.
We have talked about things, realised areas we are so ignorant about and promised the children we will search out answers to questions they ask.
They need to hear the stories just as we do.

My family is growing up… what we say and what we do make a difference…in so many areas… It is important to find time to talk and do things inbetween the usual football and dancing and homework routine…
Tomorrow is school and work, normality returns, I hope we can mange real life inbetween and not become too narrow in our own worlds

Homeward bound

Am about to fly home.. a week without wifi and no tv or dvd either has meant lots of time to talk and discuss and share ideas...
not as bad as it first sounded I guess... though the chikdren don't get how we could ever come away without phones and the internet and no English tv... devastation!!
See you soon!, x

Small acts, possibility and hope...

You can’t be neutral on a moving train. In this world where the efforts of caring people often pale in comparison to what is done by those who have power, how do I manage to stay involved and seemingly happy? I am totally confident not that the world will get better, but that we should not give up the game before all the cards have been played. The metaphor is deliberate; life is a gamble. Not to play is to foreclose any chance of winning. To play, to act, is to create at least a possibility of changing the world. There is a tendency to think that what we see in the present moment will continue. We forget how often we have been astonished by the sudden crumbling of institutions, by extraordinary changes in people’s thoughts, by unexpected eruptions of rebellion against tyrannies, by the quick collapse of systems of power that seemed invincible.

Looking at this catalogue of huge surprises, it’s clear that the struggle for justice should never be abandoned because of the apparent overwhelming power of those who have the guns and the money and who seem invincible in their determination to hold on to it. That apparent power has, again and again, proved vulnerable to human qualities less measurable than bombs and dollars: moral fervour, determination, unity, organization, sacrifice, wit, ingenuity, courage, and patience.

Revolutionary change does not come as one cataclysmic moment (beware of such moments!) but as an endless succession of surprises, moving zigzag toward a more decent society. We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. Even when we don’t “win,” there is fun and fulfilment in the fact that we have been involved, with other good people, in something worthwhile. We need hope. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, and kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvellous victory.

Howard Zinn

The more I read this the more I like it ...

Shenanigans..

Its half term now for both children, which meant that R wanted to catch up with his friends and so he wanted one of his mates to sleep over. They have had fun, messed around on bikes and done silly boy stuff.. not sure exactly what, but it involved lots of laughing and staying up late.
It also involved creeping outside to play in the garden in the dark after they were supposed to be asleep, the only give away being the noise of bikes landing off the ramp.. yes they were ramping in the dark...
Somehow they don't seem to mind being told to come in... surely they expected that? And the disappointed and let down, I trusted you and you betrayed my trust card worked well...
until it transpired this friend had somehow missed tea... arrived after we had had ours, and hadn't thought to say.. he was fine earlier but now is starving and it's 11.45pm....
after all the various options we settle on cereal.....why did noone tell me cheerios are full of zebedee like zing...or maybe if you're a teenage boy who hasn't eaten and you suddenly refuel you will appear like zebedee after a caffeine fix....
Added to which R is upstairs asleep because he still has to work tomorrow, so it's me who has this to sort out...
Now they have the giggles which I admit is quite endearing.. if only I wasn't so tired, plus apparently it's cool if you are a parent who stays up past midnight for no good reason other than obviously to look after the welfare of your child and his mate, that they wouldn't see as my motive!!
I also admit that I have indeed been up playing and not working - and I should be working, but there have also been late night shenanigans going on to keep me from my studies .
I'm just wondering if I can really use this as an excuse for not getting it in on time!

Rewards

Noone can continue flat out, there comes a time when we ease back... even a tiny bit... and it feels good, blissfully free, that sudden release of tension...
the feeling that makes it worthwhile ~
without stretching that can't happen
The addiction of new challenges, of always searching for something more, of new adventures...
I had almost forgotten how hooked I could be on it till now - how addictive it really is!

Of course there are other rewards too - I had just forgotten this one felt so good.

I have a respite from all the hard work, just for a while and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts :)

Randomness...

that may partially explain the lack of coherent blog posts lately :)

R jnr is back from the schools football tour victorious, with scores of 9 nil and 7 nil, but having sustained yet another injury - I fear this is the start of a long relationship between us and physiotherapists...where rest is likely to be the most difficult instruction to adhere to!

Fortunately the hamster escaped massive infection, is still alive and there is evidence to support the fact that he has been picking his scab!!! Naughty hamster... but not a lot we can do there!! Did Blue Peter ever have hamsters and were there ever any sticky back plastic accidents with them? I wonder...
I never knew hamsters could pick scabs.

Yesterday, with dinner guests expected in less than four hours, it seemed the most logical thing (to one member of this family) to start to pull the kitchen apart and try to put it back together... and
considering as yet we have nowhere else to eat other than the kitchen, I was naturally a little perturbed.
However, in true makeover style, with minutes to go, it all came together :)

I adore the fact that since S started to learn the piano we are treated to live recitals but am starting to wish she wasn't quite as diligent in her practice, especially when I am trying to get my head around various legislation relating to work and issues of equality, diversity and inclusion... which I failed to submit in time last week and the days are fast running away with me this week!!

It hasn't happened in a (long) while, but I had a vague flutter of excitement on hearing about a new priest who is presenting things a little differently. We have been 'bad' people and not attended for some time, for various (always legitimate) reasons.
I am sure there will be some reaction relating to this within those who attend regularly, but am curious to experience for myself.... a fresh approach, a new presentation, a new way of relating...
and as ever I am pondering on how much the presentation is so very important on how the information is received and made relevant. We will see, and perhaps make a few people happy in the process. Who knows where it might lead..

I also now have an ever increasing ironing pile, and several movies I am waiting to watch...if only there were a few extra hours in the day, or if I could learn to function on less hours of sleep per evening.

I live in hope :)

Sunday silliness

It always takes time getting used to a new system...
I think my patient mac support would agree!

An interesting weekend...

An interesting weekend, it has to be said... (well for me anyhow!)
and tiredness deems this more of a diary entry than a thoughtful blog post.


if distraction was what was required then there was more than my fair share, shame it always happens all at once with little time to stop and savour the moments.

Football season is upon us once again and somehow this generates enthusiastic encouragement from the sidelines when R jnr is playing... I can't seem to help myself. It is, in my opinion anyhow, far more exciting than any other football game ever, and a little friendly rivalry amongst the supporters is all in good fun - what is nice is that because of differences between school and island teams they will often swap between playing with and against each other - how quick we change and form new allegiances!!

Then we juggled music lessons with dressing up as pirates to swim for charity and made a mad dash to the supermarket to prepare for friends coming for supper.

In the midst of supper preparations somehow, despite my warnings, the hamster got entangled in sticky tape and was naturally not best pleased - the poor guy was in pain when we tried to peel the tape from him, as was R when Houdini hamster bit him...
The poor little soul is now half bald since there was no option other than to trim his hair to remove the tape (lessons learned all round I think)

We somehow ended up with a house full of people staying over and then today I spent watching S dancing with The Royal Ballet school who were over on an outreach programme :)
A very special event and memory for us both.

Then to try and make some slow progress with assignments and essays and lessons for this week...

and I thought the idea of weekends was to relax?

Photos might well follow :)

x

Other news, or therapeutic blogging..

I didn't plan on putting this here but hey it's my space and it's life and it's real and so why not?
Am still getting used to the idea of this...but I can't seem to quite get past it to blog about other stuff.

It's been a funny old year health wise, and while my swollen joints and pain subsided after a few months and I was finally able to wear my rings and watch again, the doctors investigations and multiple blood tests continued.

Now I'm used to accepting that my body just functions and works how it is supposed to. In fact I'd have always said it was extremely efficient ~ can't even really grumble too much about childbirth... it kind of knew what it had to do and it did it.

It has to be said though, that although I have all the time in the world for people who really are sick or have a genuine problem, I am far less tolerant of those who are prone to whinge about the tiniest thing ~ a legacy of my Accident and Emergency days I guess, and I tend to apply the same logic to me and my family (at which point everyone feels sorry for my husband and kids...!!!)
I just can't see the need to go on about every ache and pain....

So, it came as a bit of a shock to me to be told that the reason for my swollen joints was that I have Lupus, an autoimmune condition which may at times cause my joints to swell and become painful, but also explains a whole lot of other stuff from the past, miscarriages, childhood migraines and raynauds which has got me out of swimming in freezing water and is a very good reason to lie in the sun on a beach reading whilst watching daft people splash in subzero temperatures just for fun...
turns out they are all linked together....

My initial reaction was, ok, that explains a lot, I assumed it would carry on in the background as it had for years, but perhaps that was hasty of me...
Am just starting to realise this is for real, real because my joints do hurt, they were fine all through the summer but they have started to hurt and I am fed up with my body for not just working properly.
Have had a few 'moments' today, moments where I felt so feeble and pathetic, and tearful, where I had to call to make my next out patient appointment - the good news is my consultant is gorgeous and lovely...interpret as you will...he is :)

I guess having to book an appointment made it real too...
and having to go back to taking painkillers did aswell.

Its not a huge thing, I'm fine, honestly I am, and I will learn to integrate this into how I live, I hadn't realised it was going to be worse from now on because I had had a flare up at the start of the year, but right now it's just taking a whole lot of getting my head round...easy to ignore when it's not around, not so easy when it is... time will tell how it is going to progress and I have been reassured it is mild and caught early there are things that can help...

Right now things that help are having a mad scouser telling funny stories about his day and making me laugh...and telling me it'll all be ok....
and good friends and chilling out, distractions...

laughter really is the best medicine :)

Dominoes

Ok I know, no blogging for ages...
sorry to anyone who might think I'm ignoring or not bothering with them.. it's not that at all...

It's just there's a rather interesting game of dominos happening here which is keeping us all busy. You know the thing, one thing leads to another and so on, and although it's tiring, you really just have to go with it. Change always requires effort in some form, but I am conscious that I'm actually happier than I have been for a long time even while I'm busy straying out of comfort zones and rising to challenges
The rewards are worth it, even though today has been a stressful reminder that we all get days when it doesn't quite all come together as it should and so we just have to try harder next time round!!

It has also given me a chance to look at stuff from the past and maybe put some of it to rest for a while, or maybe for good.. who knows... but whatever, it is beneficial - we drag so much stuff around with us and don't always get the chance to air it and give it a real chance of belonging in the past. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and appreciate what we are actually telling them, however silly it may sound to other people. One person not to dismiss it as unimportant, one person to care enough to see it as important because it is important to us...
so that's that, and it is good... :)


Then there is the mac story intertwined amongst the rest of life...
an almost careless comment online led to a friend realising that I did actually own a mac, but it fairly quickly became apparent that we had somewhat underused this piece of machinery... for eerrrmmm about two years...!

You see the reason we bought it was for R's art work, only I had kind of highjacked it, and to be fair only really used it for blogging and quick access to the internet because it is so much faster than the pc...

I had no idea of its potential - or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to unlock it...

So, for reasons best known to himself, this exceedingly patient and now longsuffering friend to whom I am now greatly indebted and grateful, offered to help and ever since has been imparting pearls of mac related wisdom, whilst I have been showing my ignorance and stupidity (only in this particular area I might add) to an almost uncomfortable and cringeable degree...(I cringe every time I know I'm going to show just how little I still know...and he invariably laughs and/or pulls a face/ shakes his head in disbelief and then very patiently tells me what I need to do...)
I am however confident that the end justifies the means, and one day I will no longer be as ignorant or stupid, at least in these areas... and will have at least provided some form of entertainment in the meantime...


plus R will have a web site.

which was one of our main aims when we first became mac owners :)

I have become firm buddies with the nice people in the apple shop and find myself contemplating the possibilities that this smart shiny sleek and newly updated machine can offer.

So before I disappear off to bed and the start of another fun filled day, I must install the latest version of iLife so we're ready for the next step tomorrow.

I'm not sure how often I will be blogging in the near future, I do so much want to read and comment - but am managing neither very well...and for those of you who I e mail, I do keep meaning to but don't seem to get round to that either...
I haven't forgotten you...
x

I'm in here

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook
There are many thoughts that go through my head...
Just wanted to post it here...

Inconsequentially beautiful

Today the sun came out,
we had a call from college friends we haven't seen since the children were tiny inviting us over,
yet again there were not just one or two, but several friendly and gorgeous airmen in town, smiling and chatting and creating an all over good feeling :)
I spent time with a friend who just sees and is beautiful, who gave me a wonderful gift too, for no reason...
I finally spoke to someone pleasant and cheerful within the health care system and that in itself was reassuring
I bought a pair of shoes within about five minutes, they were just waiting for me :)
I felt warm sand between my toes, as I sat looking out to sea on a near empty beach and wondered at the worn and rusty barriers that protect us from the ravages of the waves...





John O'Donohue has been quoted more than once, on far better blogs than mine, saying

"Beauty does not linger, it only visits. Yet beauty's visitation affects us and invites us into its rhythm, it calls us to feel, think and act beautifully in the world: to create and live a life that awakens the beautiful."

Today has been inconsequentially filled with beauty, or beautiful moments that have revealed themselves to me. We all need beautiful moments, they change how we feel and how we view our days.




Some days they all come at once, a refuelling with whats right with the world.
Beauty might only visit but it's effects linger on, gradually transforming the ordinary into something totally extraordinary, the seemingly inconsequential into something very consequential indeed.

A peek into the future?

Sleep came, but with sleep comes dreaming.

I don't want to turn this into a dream diary, but sometimes you have a dream that sticks with you.
Last night I looked into a mirror (in my dreams) and in my reflection, saw myself as an old lady, my face, my skin, everything, was so changed, so.... different....
It was the most bizarre experience. To see yourself as you might be in the future.
I didn't like it, didn't like how it made me feel...
because inside I was still me.

I was also riding a motor bike (something I have never done!) but was loving it - slightly different from my vision of being pillion along the coast in beautiful sunshine behind some gorgeous hunk...thats another dream altogether ;)

Reminds me of an exercise we had to do in our first week of nurse training when we had to draw ourselves as we thought we would be when were old, and we were asked how old we thought we would be when we died... such cheerful stuff!!!
Daft thing to ask me to do since I can't draw, but it did make us think about our expectations of life, and age I guess.

So, I've been thinking about it today, as I had my hair cut :) and picked up bits for work, got on with various jobs about the place.

What will it be like? Who will be around? How will I feel? Will I still feel loved and cared for? Where will the adventure take me? - we were on a wonderful adventure in my dream :)
Will I REALLY look like I did in my dream????? ( please no!)
Will I stay lucid? All sobering thoughts...

The secret thoughts we carry round with us that we ponder on without anyone else knowing; I wonder what other people are thinking when I meet them - I see them doing one thing, and we talk, but I'd love to have a glimpse at what their secret thoughts are, all going on at the same time... and how they are feeling inside.
Like peeking through the windows of a house through half closed curtains, making out the shadows and shapes...

I have checked the mirror so many times today to make sure it hasn't come true already!
But one day it might...
and so, I guess, all I can do is,
as a certain beautiful human says,

dance like noone is watching,
sing like noone is listening
and love like you've never been hurt..


or from another e mail recently ~
life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.

I like that, could make it my mantra :)

4am

Not sure what woke me at 2.30am. It's now 4...
Head full and buzzing with all kinds of things.
Weird and colourful dreaming too, of people I haven't seen for years all meeting up together.
Last week the talk on our study days was of the REM state which happens not only when we are asleep and dreaming, but also during the day where we are highly focused, and in this heightened state we are more receptive to learning, receieving information and processing it. Perhaps there is too much to process in my brain to allow restful sleep.
Whatever it is, it is a pain. I should be asleep now.

Lessons are going round and round my brain, with things I mustn't forget to do, calls to make, resources to collect, questions I need to ask beforehand.
Other training sessions I need to prepare for, and homework to do from my course I started last night.

If I start to work properly at this hour, I'll be shattered tomorrow when I need to be awake, so I have made lists, read a little and now blogged....

I wonder if it's enough to let my brain switch off for a few hours and recharge
sometimes I think we can think too much, especially at 4am...

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea? If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities: he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand, he must stop breathing, and he must jump.

Rumi
Fihi ma Fihi - 50

This is just a quote I came across while exploring the writings of someone I hadn't heard of until I started blogging, and still don't know a great deal about. His writing is quite phenomenal though.

I could say it isn't related at all really to yesterday, although of course it is.

Yesterday was all about giving up control and trusting.
About being in a familiar environment I am used to having some control in, and yet yesterday I had none.
We waited, with the sole purpose of passing time.

We kept occupied, making cards, painting, watching mindless tv and played games until it was time for me to accompany him into the anaesthetic room, telling him I loved him and wishing him sweet dreams while he slipped into unconsciousness.
Despite his fear he was so calm and trusting, trusting me that I wouldn't let any harm come to him, and me trusting the anaesthetist to take care of him...

It is always a moment full of emotion and prayer for me, being with someone as they slip from consciousness to unconsciousness, regardless of who they are. That giving up total control of their life to someone else for any amount of time for me is quite incredible.

Far more so, when you entrust someone you love so entirely, into the hands of someone else.

Yesterday there was a moment where we all thought he was anaesthetised and I was about to go and he opened his eyes and spoke to us...not quite gone! Vaguely anxiety provoking but also humourous - I have never seen that happen before.

For an hour we didn't quite hold our breaths but we did mark time, in a bubble, just us two waiting and wanting to know he was safe.

Of course he was, we knew he would be... (oh so brave of us to say that now!! )
he was cared for, looked after, and now is home, healing and recovering.

Which means I am here searching out Rumi and discovering all kinds of things instead of working :)

When we're scared...

When we're scared...
who do we want? what do we want?

Tonight there was a person shaped space next to my son as he fell asleep
anxiety for a hospital trip tomorrow
I lay there holding him as I have since he was tiny, whenever he has needed me,
comforting, reassuring, inhaling his scent,
the same scent I first became familiar with within an hour of him being born.. it perfused his clothes, my clothes, it lingers still, in the crook of his neck behind his ear
so sweet, so deliciously gorgeous,
my son,
my precious son

I promise I'll be there, I'll try to keep him safe,

some promises that aren't so easy now,
now he is growing and is stretching his independent wings

I listen to his deep breathing, slow and sure, each of us soothed by the presence of each other

tomorrow will come soon enough
all will be well, I am sure it will,

till then we rest.

weekend activities

Birthdays, parties, nights out, wonderful food and drink, friends and celebrations all led to a quiet Sunday afternoon resting and recovering in preparation for the coming week.
Strange how much time can disappear when you're having fun...

However, we did manage to finally finish making a new run and cage for these two, who have put up with the restrictions of their temporary hutch for the past week and who seemed extremely pleased to rediscover their freedom and the long luscious grass that we hadn't managed to get around to cutting!

What fun it is to have a new home to explore and enjoy, especially in the sun :)

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...No man is an island, entire of itself..."

John Donne

Some days it is far easier to feel connected to others, than it is on other days.
To feel a part of this huge crazy mixed up world.
In some ways to feel that we are significant, and that what we do, and how we act, how we talk and interact, the choices we make, that they do in fact matter.
That we can, and do, touch fingertips with people all over the place without even realising it, that we may not always see the imprint we leave on their lives, but it is felt every bit as much as their imprint is felt on our lives, and yet we so often fail to communicate what that means to us, for so very many reasons.
To see the world as small, instead of vast, to feel connected to those who are hungry, starving, in war zones, caught up in hurricanes and disasters of all kinds, even though they may be so far away from us geographically.

To feel that the small things we do, the gestures we make, although small on their own, when added to other people's, will contribute to making a difference somehow, to our environment or to someones life somewhere.

The same with our words, what we say and what we don't say, when we choose to speak and when we choose not to...

that it all somehow matters to someone somewhere.



On other days it is far easier to feel the disconnect, the insignificance, the aloneness, to feel, not even like an island, but a pebble at the shore of an island, to wonder what we can do, to question our value.

Some days I feel so small, and the world seems so vast, it is hard to imagine that my tiny life can have an impact on anyone. On those days it is easier to close the doors and concentrate on what is under my nose here, right now...
the pile of work still to do, the health issues that continue to plague this family, the lack of money, the family issues that predominate at weekends, all the stuff of my life, that doesn't totally blind me, but blurs my ability to view the bigger picture.

The world is big and yet the world is small, life has purpose and yet sometimes it feels as if it has none...some days I feel valued and others I feel insignificant, some days I feel a part of it, and yet on others the disconnect leaves me feeling ultimately all alone, surrounded by people, not sure of how they feel or how we connect, if indeed we connect at all...

sometimes the only connections palpable are those within me, God and the universe.

on some days that is scary, and on others it is strangely comforting.

On some days the disconnect predominates,

and on some days I think I need to know how that feels.

Yet some days the sun comes out, I am reassured, and I know I just have to trust.

Questions from today

What does 'good' look like?

Where does the dark go when you turn off the light?

What colour is a zebra without it's stripes?

Could we rephrase ADHD as - Active, Determined, High-curiosity Difference? (Jonathan Prosser)


I have plenty of my own questions after today too...

reminds me of a moment from Greenbelt when, in a different context, but just as relevant, someone said that perhaps you don't really find the answers, but instead you find the questions....

that is the search.

First days

'The future is not some place we are going to,
but one we are creating.
The paths are not to be found,
but made,
and the activity of making them,
changes both the maker and the destination"
John Schaar

We have had first days here.

S is now at senior school and taking it all in her stride, oozing far more charisma and confidence than I ever had. It's strange seeing her tread in my footprints, yet so very differently.

I had the luxury of yesterday to myself in my new job and then have been attending training all day today.
Some really useful and thought provoking insights came out of it, and some practical ideas which will be helpful.

Perhaps we are creating our future, although a part of me thinks that perhaps we merely take advantage of opportunities that we search out, or that come our way. I'm increasingly unsure about what shape that future is, but step by step and I'm sure all will be revealed in good time.

Today we looked at all kinds of things, including sleep, which I am fascinated by (don't get enough of it!) and dreams, and how the brain effectively processes unfinished emotional responses from the day through our dreams... makes me wonder about my dreams even more, such vivid and colourful night time adventures and ideas. I keep meaning to keep a diary but never do!

I'm not sure where I am at on the road to achieveing some of my long held dreams but know that one day they will come true.

We talked about motivation too... stories about what motivates people to do things, sometimes against all odds.
Inspirational.

Our journeys are fascinating. We journey together, and yet we journey alone.

I am looking forward to experiencing our dreams and I'm curious about the future, whilst trying to appreciate the present while it is here and real. Sometimes that is hard to do.

First steps are daunting, but full of promise, with just a few nerves still...

All men dream but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind awake to find it was only vanity.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
for they act out their dreams with open eyes to make it possible
TE Lawrence

And so we have an exhibition, rather R has an exhibition.

Right on the heels of Greenbelt ~ and after a long period of preparation.

An eclectic mix of 60 pieces of work with different meanings and stories behind them.
It's the stories behind the art that I love the most - very little has been done without a reason behind it, even if the reason is just fun, or just an idea. Some are more serious in nature although not immediately evident.

A mix of humour with the more serious. Different angles, different perspectives, imagination, more of the why not? than the why? ~ time to play, and things to make people stop and question

Which is the reaction we got when we were hanging it - it was SO good to hear discussions and reactions and debate and to cause a stir :) :) :)

People stopping and looking and not just walking on by.

There are few traditionally pretty scenes in there - although we were selective for the venue and included some which are intermingled with the rest ~
the venue being the local hospital.

One thing had to be brought back even though it was causing the most disturbance and I wanted it to stay - our lightbulb on a rock. Health and safety issues mean we have to cover it before we can have it on show. It is being worked on now....

We all have our favourites, and some I love for various reasons.

Mainly I love the ones I can feel just by looking at them that he enjoyed creating... not for the composition, but because they ooze something that says they have been crafted with love and care and say something about all the different aspects of him that need a way out :)

There are nowhere near enough venues for people to express themselves artistically here... but thats another post and might just be too much of a gripe to write it!

I'm curious to see how it is received too, will this place embrace something a little different from the norm? I wonder..

Regardless of that, and above all it's been fun...

Confused

There is a logic of men and boys that I am convinced will always be a mystery ~
at times compulsive and enticing, attractively ridiculous, that belies any reason,
that is without the dawning realisation moment that comes after a dubious action,
but faced with reality brings a blank yet quizzical look of total misunderstanding.


There are days I hardly recognise the world or it's logic, days that get stranger and more obscure as they progress.... (today being one such day)

I love having men and boys in my life, they add beauty and colour, zest and energy, and at times I adore their perspective, I just wish I could fathom them a little more... their behaviour can seem somewhat bizarre and erratic.

Yet I imagine they feel the same about me some days!

Summer loving

We came back from Greenbelt and hit the floor running.

I took down a post about heart shaped plasters...I wish heart ache could be mended that easily.
The feelings are real whatever age you are and friends have been a godsend, quite literally. I know over time my children will have their hearts broken more than once, and a part of me wishes they were the ones doing the breaking instead, but thats not how it works!
There are no words to describe the pain of seeing and being with someone you love so much and not being able to take their pain away. No heart shaped plasters in the first aid kit, just love...

In other news we have also hung R's exhibition, an eclectic mix of work, that caused quite a stir and much discussion ~ something I think art should do.
It was quite amusing to listen to various reactions to some of his pieces.
I am overloaded with photos right now - need to sort them out.. and it's late so the exhibition post will have to wait for another day :)

Love the repeats of sex and the city on sky....perfect to chill out to and send me to bed happy.

And in the background still the drip drip of Greenbelt moments and feelings being processed...and talked about (must have been good to keep lingering!)

Percolating reflections

Julie Lee, Beth Rowley and 'Foreign Slippers'

We have finally landed back home after our first ever trip to Greenbelt.
There are many thoughts and feelings floating around my head about it.
The two things people have been asking me are "have you enjoyed it?" and "what were your best bits?"
It would be easy to just say yes, I have enjoyed it, which would be honest and truthful and to pick out perhaps the obvious acts or speakers which were especially good.

However, I'm not sure that that would even scratch at doing justice to it.

A bit like percolating coffee, it is going to take a while for the full flavour of the experience to be appreciated, and it has as much, if not more to do with the 'moments' that happened along the way as it has with the more obvious.

I was very struck by the fact that Greenbelt is different things to different people fulfilling different needs on many different levels. A complex formula that brings people from all walks of life and from all corners of the globe together - even on the way home on the train I was chatting to a pastor from South Dakota who comes over especially to revive and refresh.
It is a uniquely individual experience, which was so clear in conversation with people we met along the way, who shared tables with us at the beer tent, or who we just found ourselves next to. Even just observing the vastness of the site and the numbers of people and the individuals that sat listening in many different ways to the many good talks or performances that were on.

I had no idea what I should expect and instead decided to just go, and let Greenbelt find me.


Within that vastness I was conscious of a feeling and awareness of solitude aswell as of connectedness, and there was a sense that perhaps it held the possibility to be quite lonesome, maybe... apart from the fact that somehow it wasn't, and somewhere in that lies the distinction between solitude and loneliness.
And for me there is a shift somewhere within that, that occurs on a deep and personal level whilst quietly absorbing the words and the music and the atmosphere, as the initial euphoria settles and the grass turns to mud, and the rain falls, and the festival is there waiting to be discovered, tasted and savoured.

So, knowing I have only tasted, knowing I was only ever going to taste a small part of it I am savouring the small moments as much as the big ones. Perhaps thats the draw, the sense that there is far more to be savoured, that you only ever get fed a fraction of what there is on offer - and if what you taste is good, you leave wanting more. All four of us would like to return, have been left tired and satisfied yet still wanting more. And so we will.

Children were very much a part of it and very evident - whether it was tiny tots dancing freely close up to the stage to wonderful music, or splashing in the mud while Beth Rowley sang Angels flying too close to the ground.

I missed people I very much wanted to see, yet in the waiting for a bus that failed to turn up I made some wonderful connections and shared the ride into the festival with the lovely Julie Lee, which just wouldn't have happened had I not been delayed...she was wonderful, but then so often we would wander into the performance cafe to find yet another gem of a musician previously unknown to us. There were only a couple of things I turned up to that just weren't quite my cup of tea but judging by the numbers there they obviously were someone elses, and so we moved on to another tent, another opportunity.

Very very personally Brian Houston managed to touch something very deep inside with his music, which led to some emotional and hard conversations initiated by my son about his twin who was miscarried - noone said moments had to be uplifting... they are what they are, and it facillitated conversations that couldn't be contrived, or planned, they had to happen naturally... and I am grateful for that opportunity.

There were several tearful moments for various reasons throughout the four days!

However, over the course of the festival there were also the wonderful and uplifting times, including meeting people I have only ever heard about or known through the blogosphere, putting faces to names and managing to spend at least some time with them. A text from the lovely Caroline made my Monday morning, meaning that although she couldn't make it in person, she was a part of it too. Even after the day's festival had come to a close there were more people to meet and share time with into the early hours in the hotel bar. A people filled incredibly special time all round.

One of my most beautiful peaceful experiences though was probably in the calm of a place called 'the Hub' listening to wonderful poetry by Padraig O Tuama as the festival was winding down.

I wish I had seen Pete Rollins, Ikon and Philip Yancey, oh and David Dark, he was there too and I did want to see him, but they are only names I know and had planned on seeing - I got much from those people recommended to me by others as our paths crossed and have to be content with the promise and the hope of another year.

The talks can be downloaded which is fantastic.

The experience is individual and unique.

Already life here is back to full speed and meanwhile in the background the thoughts and feelings, like good coffee, continue to percolate and infuse with a warm, rich, invigorating aroma and taste that I suspect will be felt until next time.

The sun above The Jesus arms

Flying

Flying off for a few days of fun to a place I have heard so much about but think I need to experience for myself!

see you soon, x

Twelve o'clock, midday, fourteen years ago I married my very best friend, who is also the other half of my team, and my soul mate, and we began a new chapter together. It was a wonderful day, with family and friends.

Much has happened since then and our wedding photo is a stark reminder of time, so many have either died or separated since then. Life moves on way too fast, so many chapters in so many books of people's lives.
I'm not a huge fan of anniversaries, or birthdays come to think of it. If I'm honest I'm not really sure what the congratulations are for. I'm not sure what I have achieved. There are many other things I would class as far bigger achievements worth celebrating, but then I'm up for a celebration if there's a reason for one.

Sometimes just getting through a day can seem reason to celebrate, perhaps being here every day is enough reason to celebrate.
Perhaps every day we spend with someone we love and are able to tell them we love them is reason enough.
Just living and loving is enough.
Perhaps that's what my wedding photo is telling me to celebrate.
Celebrating living, loving and being able to share.

It's 12.05, R is judging the childrens art and craft entries at the North show (including the oddly shaped vegetables!!) and we have a full day ahead. 14 years ago right now I was saying my vows, and meaning them, every one.
I'm thankful I found someone to share this wonderful, albeit adversity strewn journey with, and later we'll raise a glass or two over a meal to celebrate 14 colourful years.

Special moments

Some things are designed to melt my heart, instantly.

Such as my daughter skipping up to me saying "Mummy, I'm full of energy and need a hug from you" before wrapping her arms tightly round me.

There is something so, so, incredibly special about that.
I almost have to shake my head to believe it is me she is talking to.

Busy

It's been non stop here since I last posted, the room has been decorated and a new floor laid, I managed a trip to see Mama Mia at the cinema with the girls, our guests arrived and S returned from her week away. Since then she has had a big sleepover party and earlier today a family one to celebrate her birthday.
I have shopped, baked, cooked, talked, drank, cleaned and tidied and when I have stopped I have slept.
On the odd occasion I have made it to the computer I have sat looking blankly at the screen, sometimes reading insightful and interesting posts, but mainly looking blankly.

Too busy and too tired to process, but still able to function..
and it would seem, still able to play monopoly till far too late!

I am however, really looking forward to sharing time with S taking photos since she has been having fun creatively searching and shooting all day with her brand new camera.

Tomorrow I plan to chill out and relax aswell as carry on with more planning and return to some form of exercise as my middle has developed sponge like qualities over recent days.


Am also hoping that my brain will return to processing mode and I might find the occasional thing to blog about.

Until then I will be catching up around the place if and when I get a few minutes to myself, see you around :-)

Easily distracted!

S is still away, R jnr has been sleeping out, we have guests coming tomorrow - a good friend and his family, plus his Mum who remembers me from a conversation we had once in a pub in South London when I was about 19. A conversation I have no memory of, but am vaguely disturbed that it was memorable!
However in less than 24 hours they will be here and we still have colour to put on the walls, a floor to lay, shopping to do - tomorrow is Sunday and the cupboards are bare(ish).
Also true to form I am busy putting files onto memory sticks and writing up lessons that I promised myself would be done before they arrived!
Problem is I am far too easily distracted. Far too many other things I could be doing quite legitimately
blogging isn't one of them unfortunately ;)

and so before I get called away I'd better quit while I'm ahead!

Be back soon

I fell in love...

so fickle, so easily won over, charming shop assistants in the lovely apple shop and I fell in love far too easily ~ desire is dangerous, I now covet a dream.

It's a shame it doesn't fit with the romantic notions of a bohemian, talented, yet (not quite) penniless artist that filled my head and found me (happily) married with two (beautiful) kids

not that I'd change it, but trying to reconcile the two might prove fun!!

still I can dream :)

my new love and desire ~





oh and I'm not a techie person what so ever, but just this once? or maybe not...!
A girl is allowed a few moments of lust now and again ;)

living inside someones head..

Imagination is a wonderful thing
having the confidence to be exactly who you are is too

my story telling beautiful daughter is off to a smaller island than this to stay with a friend for Alderney week.
I have no doubt she will have a fabulous time - well, thats what is planned,
she has made her first flight all on her own, we have had the call to say she has arrived safely, and is off to a party tonight.

her tales of snails and elephants, giraffes and lady bugs that live in her wardrobe precede her and rumour has it they are eagerly awaited by people she has yet to meet

the strange thing is I have yet to hear any of these stories - they are solely for the entertainment of her friends and teachers

I keep asking her to write them down or tell me, so I can, but once told, she says she can't remember them and just makes up new ones.

I know where they live and yet when I look all I see are old shoes and dressing up things ~ no magic hiding place ~ no special kingdom. The magic kingdom is inside her creative head.

I wish there was some way of capturing all this magic for ever

I want to live inside her head for just a while.

so often I'd love to live inside someone else's head for a while.
Wouldn't that be so curious and so revealing?
Can think of many people whose heads I'd like to hide out in, for different reasons.

I'm going to miss her shining light this week, her hugs and her kisses and her friendship.

I wonder what the menagerie will get up to while she is away... :)

Thoughts rarely come from nowhere

A post from mmp, about how people don't just touch your lives as they pass through, but actually leave something far more permanent in our lives, left me thinking about a young girl just a year or two older than my daughter is now, who I looked after on the cardiology and coronary care unit while she waited for a heart and lung transplant.
I have a lovely photo of her and me together on a night shift just before Christmas; lovely because of her smile - the times she didn't smile were few, despite her symptoms. In fact all the family remained cheerful and appreciative of the care she was being given and optimistic regardless of their situation and the fact their hopes had been dashed on more than one occasion.
When I left the unit they were still waiting.
I never knew if she ever received the transplant she needed.
Her life was dependent on someone dying - I'm not sure how you ever really get your head around that one.
Their destiny as a family was dependent in lots of ways on another person.
It was, as it has been for so many people I have known, only perhaps more so in their situation, out of their hands.

I am left with many thoughts and feelings and emotions when I think about transplant situations - they bring up all the big questions, the real toughies that I reckon we all struggle with ; faith, belief, destiny.


There are many lives who have touched mine and whose imprint can never be erased ~ they changed something within me, triggered something, left their mark in some way, permanently.

I hadn't planned on working there - it wasn't the job I had been interviewed for and accepted, but it was the nearest alternative to A&E that was available, and it was only going to be temporary (the joys of redeployment and funding issues!)
To be honest I was petrified I wasn't going to rise to the challenge it offered, but actually I loved it while I was there, I learned so much, grew in many ways I had never imagined, and almost didn't want to leave.

I often wonder about how much real say we have in where our lives take us.
We are so often dependent on others, in ways we don't always see.
Strangely connected in so many ways to so many people - over a lifetime that is a remarkable web.

Sometimes we are given an insight into where our lives are going, someone flashes the hand of cards our way for a second, and sometimes we can choose how to play them even if we can't know how that will turn out.

Other times I guess we're left to wrestle with the tough questions and keep trusting, hoping and believing

just like my young friend.

brothers!

Brotherly love ~

"S, I've saved you some pasta if you want it? It's a new sauce, it's really nice...."
so, lured into a false sense of security, despite my peering over her shoulder to see what exactly is going on, she gingerly takes a mouthful...
only to run quickly to the fridge for a large glass of juice whilst in fact being very controlled telling him off
the new sauce..? laced with lashings of piri piri sauce! the toe rag, he knows she hates it hot!!!!




however, methinks he is playing with fire
I'm waiting for her response ;)


I always thought I missed out not having any brothers or sisters ~ always wanted an older brother.
I'm enjoying it at the moment, but then again he's not my brother!!

Today is all we have

A close shave..
when something happens and you just don't know how it's going to turn out..
yet somehow it turns out ok..
when people can sleep soundly in their beds
and raise a glass knowing it's going to be ok..

makes me wonder how many close shaves we get..
but then I don't really want to know

Today really is all we have...can't recall where I heard that recently but it's true...

If our lives are limited - like cats are supposed to be... then I'm fast running out.. do we get more for our kids too or are they all bundled together - can we buy one get one free or is it not up for discussion, perhaps trading is allowed or gambling.. or maybe not.... ?

lets hope it doesn't work like that!

living for today knowing it's all we know we have... sounds fair enough but isn't always easy to do..

Space and time

So we're home ~ some photos from what was a gloriously sunny and beautiful week.
Space and time..




time to discover an almost deserted beach - only us and two others - at the end of a magical path of bracken and brambles and heather, with the most gorgeous sand dunes, where we could listen to the puffins and soak in solitude.



Time to relax in the mornings, reading and planning and taking silly pictures of feet which I happen to love.




Time to hang back and watch my family from a distance - butterflies all around me yet I didn't manage to catch one on camera at all...



time for contemplation and talking and sharing...




and for standing as the place is bathed in pinks and yellows as dusk falls and wondering as the sky is painted with yet more fantastic sunsets




and amongst all this natural beauty, quite possibly my most favourite image of Jesus, in the small courtyard outside the chapel - weathered and rusty from all the storms that batter the island.

~

There is however always the side that photos don't capture...the sleepless nights, the intense heat, and the flying ants that plagued our small dwelling and for which I am am so relieved to be home in comfort.

Even so, the small hours allowed for thought and reading and ideas, for soul searching and reflection... all important things which I treasure being able to do.

time out was good, but as always it's good to be home too.

Soul soothing

An e mail I received a while ago, much of which I happen to think is fairly true.

In a few hours I will get on a boat and head off to a place that is very special to me for some soul soothing.
I will take books and music, although I am looking forward to the solitude of reading with only the sounds of nature around me.
I have more books than I can possibly read in the time we are there.
I will be without the internet.
I am sure I will miss it at least initially, but I am also looking forward to peaceful ponderings and my notebook.

Last night we were out. It was the end of an era...a lot of goodbyes, and some aurevoirs. People expressing emotion openly and saying things they needed to say that they wouldn't perhaps get another chance to say. Wonderful messages, people letting their normal guarded exteriors dissolve to show real feelings.
Life changes. We all struggle to cope with it as it does - many people last night had found themselves in situations and having to make choices they never wanted to make. Travelling a road they had never dreamt of.
There is much to ponder on.
We stop and acknowledge where we are and hesitate for a moment; before bravely taking the next step forwards into uncertainty armed with our experiences and trusting that somehow all will be well.

All souls need soothing, feeding and nurturing so they can give more freely to others... this has been a hard time for many people.
These holidays are much needed, space and time with friends and family to refresh and revive in preparation for new beginnings in September.

So, I must finish packing and I'll be round to visit when I return - apologies if I have visited and not commented... time has a habit of catching me out!




A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

one friend who always makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a feeling of control over her destiny....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder...

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

whom she can trust,whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table...

or a charming inn in the woods...

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...

a month...

and a year...

A moment of inspiration!

I know few men who like to shop
but there comes a point where everyone needs clothes unless we are intent on causing a stir and that wasn't the kind of outrageous I was thinking of in my earlier post!

And so it came to pass that R junior was in desperate need of new clothes...
but clothes are no longer merely practical, and each of my children is developing their own unique style.... meaning that I can no longer zip into town and pick up a few items in their size feeling confident they will like them.

I have failed previously both on my own, and with R in tow, and so I was full of high hopes when I sent both boys in together to shop..
how wrong I was!
They returned with one white t shirt between them...!!

So today I decided to try again and fell upon a moment of inspiration in the surf shop...

enough to say that where parents fail, young friendly female shop assistants in tight hot pants are sure to succeed...

I am graciously thankful and I have one happy boy...

never underestimate the power of a girl in hot pants... :)

Children grow up to be the love they have known

Once a week an e mail drops into my inbox from Henri Nouwen with a weekly reflection, and often it is both appropriate, and incredibly timely.

Yesterdays was exceedingly reassuring, especially as life has picked up a pace or two recently on the being a parent front!


On the Journey to Becoming an Authentic Parent
written by JOE VORSTERMANS
At some point early on in our journey of raising four children, a friend gave Stephanie and me a sign, which ended up on our fridge door. It read, "Children Grow Up to Be the Love They Have Known." I used to read that sign often, but I did not really understand what it was calling me to until the children were all grown up!

While the kids were at home, it was a daily challenge to keep up with the physical and emotional demands of parenting, and I often got lost in the practicalities of family life and trying to do the right thing. So often, doing the right thing from my perspective was doing the wrong thing from my kids' perspective! We read parenting books, tried to do things differently from our parents, made conscious choices to do this or not buy that, but nonetheless there were the typical family arguments, breakages, hurts and pains.

Now that our children are no longer at home and are finding their own way in the world, I realize that all the details that seemed so important at the time, that caused worry and dissension, are finally not so important. What the kids remember most, what shaped their lives most profoundly, were the family moments when they felt loved and safe and the apples of our eyes. Now when we play the game "Remember when . . . ," the things the kids talk about are the small but intimate times when we were a family, the times they knew they were loved.

Things I think about too...

For today.. a link ~ sometimes other people just express things better than I can ever hope to do... I think about those things too.

Have been reading round various blog archives...and am pleased I did, thank you Jen

Much for the soul to feast on, and to wonder and to marvel at the mystery of life every time I visit. If you don't already, she comes highly recommended.