and so...

So we make progress, and then we slide backwards, and we pick up, and we slide again...

Where is that helicopter to winch us clear of all of this, and whisk us away to some far flung shore to revive and recouperate with some muscle bound, tanned eye candy to soothe the soul...?

I thought as much, so much for pipe dreams!

I have however, been thinking about the places we go for help when we are low and need completely non judgemental support...

I never knew my grandparents while I was growing up, and only got to know my Grandad in the few years before he died.

However, I have watched my son these past few weeks with my Dad, working with him in their garden, mowing their lawn for them and learning about and tending their trees, listening to stories, guiding him gently in ways we as parents can't and in watching have acknowledged that we can't give it all, that we all need different inputs to make us whole. And then when they have finished outside they retreat inside for hot chocolate and time to concentrate on some of the more tricky bits of school work, and for some reason R is far more receptive to this from him than from us...
That too is fine.
In those moments I find myself breathing and believing all will be well.

It is a special relationship, bonded through the toughest of times.
Times when perhaps we have all seen the worst sides of one another, and been more honest than perhaps we would have chosen to be, but circumstances dictate that honesty and nothing less will suffice if we are to sort out this mess...!

Honest enough to say that there are times we can't do it all alone,
none of us can.
That nurturing close relationships with wise folk who care and love us is worth more than words can convey...
family or friends with broad shoulders and comforting arms to hold us and give us wise advice when we have none of our own.
For those times when although we are grown up, we need to look for our rocks for support.

They help us find our way, and they help us to heal...
from the inside out

Asking isn't easy, but there are times when I guess we all need to ask... thats what I tell others, and sometimes we need to take some of our own advice.

Just sometimes, and seemingly out of nowhere, there is a ray of light that shines so bright it doesn't diffuse, but pierces straight to the heart of those that need it.
Today that came to us in the form of a rather fantastic achievement for R jnr..

The Victor Ludorum cup for his year at sports day,
the combined result of him winning javelin, and discus and so nearly the shot too...aswell as a very impressive sprint.

I actually had no idea what this cup was until I came home and googled to find out what it meant, but then we never did athletics at school, and I was worse than useless at Latin!
I couldn't be happier for him, or prouder.

Everyone needs validation, everyone needs to succeed, and at a time when we are recovering from the destruction left by bullies who have taken much, this means so much more... (than I can say)

In the face of adversity, and with support somehow we can achieve and recover.
There are parts of us all that noone can take away. This has reminded him of some of those parts of him, and I am grateful.

Sometimes paths open up and opportunities arise...
and we are given building blocks to build on

And whoever had the idea to play the theme from Chariots of fire at the end of the day, it was brilliant and couldn't help but make me smile :)

Steps...
some are bigger than others, but they still lead onwards

nothing says we have to climb them, noone is forcing us, we can stop and rest, we can look at where we are heading, and yet somehow, once we've started we are (thankfully) compelled to keep on taking one step at a time.
Even small ones are significant... and add up.

However, even when we reach the top there will always be another mystery and more questions...



I wonder what lies or lay behind the blocked up doorway...a secret garden perhaps?
I'd like to think so :)

Trust...

sometimes it's not particular people we lose trust in,
sometimes it's life in general we feel we can no longer trust...

Just too much, in too short a time to be able to ward off the inevitable damage to our protective defenses,
our foundations shaken.

So we are left open and vulnerable,
starting over again,
with new knowledge, and increased awareness.
Yet, even when things settle,
uncertainty remains until it no longer seems to be justified...

Learning to balance again,
and relax whilst doing it,
effortlessly

But

does anyone,
and dare we,
relax totally?
or will we fall if we do?

ever vigilant,
building it up again,
still waiting for the next rock
to come from out of nowhere
and topple it over

think it may just take some time

the mystery of the dawn...

The problem with darkness is that after a while your eyes adjust,
and when it turns to grey
it's hard to discern whether or not it is light creeping in, or merely an adjustment of our focus that sees it as 'normal'.

Perhaps it is light after all, and because we are so used to the dark we don't recognise it as such.
how can we recognise that in fact it is getting lighter, and it is merely our perception that sees darkness where it used to be?

I hope so...or maybe I am clinging to the idea of filtered light.

The mystery of the dawn perhaps? It is always gradual.

we wish for a switch to suddenly flood our lives with brightlights, when in fact we wouldn't believe it if that happened, it would be blinding.

Perhaps it takes a while to adjust, not to the darkness, but to the gradual light
oh and coping with the black shadows that light brings, and recognising that that is what they are, to not to be scared of them, but accept them for what they are,
and that they do not mean we are about to fall into complete darkness again.

we yearn for sudden changes and yet there are important lessons to be learned from the halflight too.

and now for something completely different...

Everyone needs a break now and again, an escape ~ a distraction

such as coffee with friends,

and banter with the friendly guys in the shop while they try to sort my mobile out.
Why is it that I should become uncontactable at the very moment I need it the most? The very reason I gave in and ever bought one in the first place all those years ago and it gives up, it's microphone has died...oh yes, I can hear them, loud and clear, but they can't hear me at all!
So while all hell breaks loose I am stuck phoneless!

with nothing to do but wander the town till it's sorted :)

Feeling good starts from the inside out so they say...and so I succumbed to the call of some beautiful bright and fun underwear - which worked to lift my mood and put a spring in my step, plus it was cheaper than shoes, my other (recently acquired, but not particularly affordable) vice!

quickly followed by tackling the issue of dental appointments for the family, which I have been delaying for ages, but may as well get it all over at once I guess. That could well bring my vices to a sharp halt....shopping ones anyhow!

An unexpected call from my wise friend across the ocean was the balm I needed when I arrived home,

followed later on by a link to this from another friend...science is fascinating...

and curiosity begged me to watch this...! just when you thought you knew all you needed to know, you find another cure for hiccoughs :)

Comfort, love, and home.

Home is...?
Love is...?
Comfort is...?

How much do we want to fit in?
Do we dare to be different?
How strong do you have to be to stand out from the crowd and be... be just you? No frills, just you.
How do we learn that we are fine just as we are...?
What makes people listen?
What makes someone feel accepted?

What heals pain?
I mean really heals pain...? not just a patch.
Is getting by the answer? or are do we search for a more permanent solution.

How do we make sense of other peoples actions when they don't fit their words?


We can think, and may well have answers in theory to all of these, but how do we put them into practice?
and how do we effectively communicate any of this to those who feel so alone with their feelings...

sometimes love can feel as if it isn't enough.


Just thoughts that have been swimming around my head lately...it's enough to drown in if we let them get a hold!

and ps, next to laughter, children singing to themselves is the second sweetest sound... :) as I am typing this!! :)

The sweetest sound

footprints of all sizes

Our footprints marked out amongst the many other footprints on the same stretch of beach.
It makes me smile thinking who has walked there before.
We spotted bird prints and animal paw prints, tiny footprints and big boot prints...
and my families prints, linked together in life and crossing paths with so many others.
(so much more interesting than an untouched beach I think...)

This weekend we have stayed close to home.

I have revelled in the sound of children's laughter ~ missing for far too long.

Stolen by others, who have bullied, cruelly and deliberately through text and msn, and which we have only recently found out about and been able to address...
it explains so much, hurts so much, and yet now it is exposed, the pressure is off and laughter can return once more and gradually replace fear and anxiety.
We have rested and reflected and are recovered / recovering

We have felt the support and love of people close to us
and we have supported one another,
and as fragile as we are, we are strong when we need to be.

It isn't the whole story, but it is a part of it, a significant part,
and now we can and are moving onwards, armed with knowledge and strategies and open communication.

It has used reserves of energy, emotional and mental, even when we didn't have any reserves to use...

noone said it was going to be easy.. and it isn't, but it sure is worth it.

And laughter is sweet music to my ears... we hardly realised it was missing until we heard it back again...

~ light on the horizon ~

There's always light somewhere, and sometimes it takes your breath away.

I swear there is magic and mystery hidden in the shadows and the light ahead ~
it might be far away, but it is so bright and enticing contrasted against the darkness surrounding it.

Just made me stop, gaze, absorb and think, for a few precious moments earlier this evening.

A quote...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.
They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing : the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones way."
Viktor Frankl

So very connected to my previous post, and yet not connected, a quote that has lingered recently and needs no words to accompany it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here, sleep calls.
Life has changed, not that anyone outside would notice unless they knew me/us. We remain the same, yet evolved somehow...life constantly changes, and yet what do we do with the experience and knowledge we acquire?
We pick ourselves up, we carry on, we share and we learn?
The yellow brick road is a hard and bumpy one...but compulsive, so we're back on it again in search of heaven only knows what....

Liberation, Liberated, Freedom, Peace....

yesterday we celebrated 64 years of liberation from the occupation of this island during the last world war.

What a gift our freedom is
how easy it is to take it for granted, a given, without too much thought, if any, on a day to day basis,
and yet how many people would love to have the freedom we have now...

it shouldn't be a luxury.



It just got to me.

Books and music...

Two of the very best presents anyone can ever give me... :)
am smiling and so looking forward to the ride into work since a lovely friend sent me a cd in the post...

Just made my day

Beautiful people have beautiful thoughts and do beautiful things, and make people feel loved.
That is so precious and valuable, beyond words.

Amongst the daisies and the buttercups

Daisy chains,
fields of daisies to sit in for hours and dream,
he loves me, he loves me not...he LOVES me!
(whoever HE is)
Dandelion wishes,
Honey from clover flowers,
What does the buttercup say? do you like butter?
(Everyone does if the sun shines!)


planning for any kind of break, a trip, a visit,
planning, packing,
lists and more lists,
dreams, fantasy,
longing,
counting down days

childish memories
moments treasured when life was simpler,
important moments to treasure
~ those 'forever' times

right here and now...

so caught up I almost missed it,
scary what we sometimes just don't see
or else we pass by so easily

Looking out

where you'll find me thinking

Three steps forward and two back, two steps forward and three back....

Looking out on a world going by,
nothing stays the same for ever, it all shifts around, even when we seem stuck
so slowly it can be almost imperceptible,
yet shift it does and it will,
change that evolves and develops
our fear and our reassurance, vying for attention
side by side...

Thanks to the lovely Jen Gray for posting this...



and it's not just girls who feel it either...

but that doesn't seem to be talked about as much, or almost ever at all..
why?

It's the holidays

And so we got active...
doing and creating and having fun together
aka stress management ;)

kayaks we borrowed to play in




next door's dog came to play while we sorted a room to put our pool table up in...a project in progress :)


clay work that took over the conservatory... I can never get away from the scene in Ghost when I'm working in clay, but this one wasn't mine!



The finished vase waiting to be fired...and I discovered that it's not a good idea to leave my camera in the car overnight as the lens was misted up and took ages to clear... long after the pot had gone from the house.


And clearing a space around the spa for a patio area.
Lowering and levelling ground when most of it is solid granite is hard work, and we took turns with the sledge hammer to break it up...
It looks like a building site at the moment but if you're sitting in the spa you don't see any of it, you only see the lovely views and the sky!



all rocks are hard, just some are harder and bigger than others!!


No wonder I'm shattered and in need of a rest.... and there's still more left to do!!

If...

If I knew what to do, I'd do it,
If I knew what to say, I'd say it,
If I knew how to explain the unexplainable, I would,
If I could do it for you, I would,
If I could live it for you, I'd swap places,
and change back in a month, a year, however long it took

If I could feel it instead of you, I would,
If I could take away the confusion,
the hurt,
the awkwardness,
the self consciousness,
If I could melt it all away,
I would

and yet all I can do is be with you, next to you
and reassure you,
and that's hard...
but it doesn't stop me trying,

believing
and loving

Fix you

For some reason this song has been playing in my head ~






although I know there is no 'fixing' anyone...
because that would be pretending.
We heal and we mend, but we're never 'fixed' as such,
just patched up.

And our scars and wounds tell our history
and mean we fit in with others who have scars and wounds,
and sometimes we compare them,
and sometimes people tell their stories,
and we realise we're not so alone,
in that place we find acceptance, and maybe learn to accept ourselves
that we are only human, and
we can never go backwards,
only ever onwards
together

not an easy lesson to be learning over, again and again...

I want some of what he's on please :)

Perhaps it's just because the sun is out, or perhaps it's the conversation I had with a good friend who has never needed more than the bare necessities as he has travelled and who seems to navigate life with the most wonderful attitude.

Anyhow, it made me smile and I happen to think that sometimes we all need a little Baloo wisdom in our lives :)

Thanks go to the very lovely Niki for this award/meme which asks me to list 10 totally honest things about me, so why not...although I'm never sure there is much to say!

1. I guess a good start is that out of any quality, I value honesty the most. No matter what has happened the truth is nearly always easier to deal with than what I make up in my head and it is the only place to start trying to sort anything out. I find it very hard to tolerate lies and it is the easiest way to lose my friendship or my trust.

2. I am a born night owl and would often stay awake reading under the covers as a child, although I do love seeing the dawn in, and there is nothing more beautiful, especially with someone special, but it is rare I get to do it.
I honestly don't know how I managed to work the shifts I did while I was nursing!
However, I am making a mental note to make sure I see the dawn in again soon :)

3. I think I am lucky to have worked in areas and in jobs I have totally loved and have been able to give my heart and soul to, and only wish life could be longer to have given me more time to work in them, but such is life that it moves on!!

4. When I was small I wanted to be a Nun.
I'd have been a most terrible Nun, and thank goodness I saw sense quite quickly. The less time spent dwelling on that the better I think!

5. I am an only child, but have gathered brothers and sisters as I have grown up - who have been there and been my true family on more than one occasion far more than many of my blood relatives. I treasure them dearly.

6. I have an absolute phobia about having my eyes tested or examined in any way and the only time I ever nearly fainted was in 'eye theatre' during my training. Thankfully I don't need glasses - the only time I have had them tested as an adult they were fine and now I just keep testing myself as I go along!

7. I have my second purple belt in karate. I was very nearly a brown belt, just never got to the grading... and a few months ago a guy I met spent several weeks coaxing me to take it up again. If I can commit the time then Karate Kate will be back, but will have to start from scratch again!
It was actually only a way of getting into the boys college if the truth be known (I started when I was 14), but then I became addicted to it - the discipline, the fitness and the respect from all these hard guys who would take us down the pub later and look out for us too.

8. I can't draw or copy, so was told I was uncreative at school, but since have discovered I can mould things with my hands and enjoy making 3d work. I love my jewellery and silversmithing class and have gradually changed how I see myself creatively... there is nothing sweeter than proving someone's miscalculated opinion of you wrong!! :)

9. A few years ago I completed the Playtex moonwalk - a marathon 26.2 mile power walk across London overnight wearing decorated bras...in aid of breast cancer. It was the most amazing experience. I would never run a marathon but this was fun and we could still speak whereas running would be no fun!... am looking out for the next challenge, pondering the Inca trail but who knows!

10. I have done all kinds of things and been truly fulfilled in so many ways in so many areas and yet I feel as if I'm still searching, that there is still an adventure to be lived and I'm not sure where it's leading. Not so much as 'not having found what I'm looking for' as 'not quite sure where I'm headed but I'm going there regardless'...

I am now supposed to pass this award onto 7 other blogs that I think are brilliant and well worth a visit. That could be any of you guys out there, and I'd love to read yours if you fancy doing it :)