Distractions

When / if I change job again I think I'll make sure it's something I can do standing on my head - I do believe there are some people who choose the easier path and those who always choose the more challenging route.
I'm currently on one of the five minute breaks I'm allocating myself, after each half hour of study. The only thing is, it turns into far longer than five minutes, and there are so many distractions.



Distractions like shoes and boots.....

Finding boots to fit is almost as much a nightmare for me as jeans (Samtzmom's post today), so I was delighted to find this site on the web - recommended by a friend who has shared similar embarrassing shoe shop experiences when zips don't slide effortlessly up on a dream pair of boots - expensive, but worth it.... I wonder?

They do shoes too :-)



Am now searching for a made to measure jeans site that doesn't involve stripping in a pod in Selfridges ...

Wrapped up

There are days, when the only thing that feels right are the oldest most comfortable jeans, even though they're nearly worn through, an extra large warm woolly fleece, a big mug of tea, a log fire, some favourite music and the prospect of something nicer than studying or contemplating the other various obstacles that need to be overcome in the next few months...

I'm back from our break - which was infused with art of all kinds, coffee, wine, cheese, chocolate, shopping, music, reading, exploring, walking and just being as a family.

On the way out I met a friend of a friend, who I'd been thinking of, following the pub experience. I've always found it odd that some kind of fortuitous coincidence means I'll often bump into the right person at just the right time to give me what I need.
In this case a whole heap of most welcome reassurance.

The trip was not entirely stress free.
As so often happens, I had been responsible for travel arrangements. It wasn't the best start...
We travelled as foot-passengers on the ferry, then had a bus to catch to our hotel.
The decision not to take the car had been purposeful. However, occupying the children while we waited for nearly three hours for French public transport to arrive was somewhat of a challenge.
When we were finally shown into our compact, family room at the hotel, where there were three beds neatly made up in a row, with barely enough space to walk between them, my heart sank. Lesser forgiving families would have lynched me, instead they laughed and the beds were, at least, comfortable.
We had barely sat down when the clock on the tower started to chime. It was the clocktower hotel afterall....
it chimed religiously every quarter of an hour. The thought hadn't crossed my mind when I booked it.

However, once we had taken all this in and bought earplugs the holiday took an upward spiral. We even enjoyed the simplicity of our accommodation, as we only really needed a place to sleep.
We relaxed, the kids relaxed and we had fun. We walked and explored, visited artists as they worked and attempted to converse in our basic french.

We ate out in restaurants and the children were welcomed - I had forgotten just how much I love French mealtimes, taking their time and savouring both food and company.
Being slightly out of season many restaurants were closed so we were eating with local families who couldn't have been more friendly and genuine. It was a shared experience.

Nothing about the holiday was pretentious or false, most things were so incredibly simple.
Even the hotel fitted the holiday, although a non chiming one would have been preferential.

Fortunately the homeward journey was straightforward and uneventful and today was back to football and domesticity.

Sam still yearns for a smart hotel experience, and Disneyland beckons too - I'm sure they'll be fun when we get to them, but simple was just right for now.

Last orders....

No, I haven't joined some religious group where alcohol is deemed the devils brew or such like. It's far more practical and logical than that - and temporary!! :-)

However, I did spend all night last night in a pub.
I've been thinking about pubs quite a bit lately - partly due to Julie's brave new adventure - and partly due to a programme I watched last week about Aberfan, where it talked about how the community would want to hang on, in the pub after hours, instead of going home.

Pubs have featured a fair bit in my life socially over the years - it was where we would meet after stressful shifts to debrief and reflect before going home - before formal reflective practice was expected as part of our ongoing professional development, when we just coped, just supported each other as part of the team, shared experiences and the like.

Sunday evenings at the pub were just as much accepted as Church - 8pm at the Bedford Inn would see a number of us gathered to catch up and share where we were, what we were doing etc

Many huge subjects have been discussed, unburdened and made more manageable in the pub, there is something about the atmosphere that can make for more effective free flowing conversation, regardless of alcohol.

Evenings when deepest fears can be aired.
Evenings like last night.

It was quite some evening....

My reflection on the way home was that, quite possibly, the biggest risk any of us can take, is to have children.
I'm sure there is no bigger love than that of a parent for their child, and therefore there is no greater risk.

I'm not sure we'd have had the same conversation and the same outcome in different surroundings - it was what needed to come out.

Last night, the pub was important.

A new routine

Good days are interspersed with more difficult days at work - learning a new skill in addition to a new job is more tiring than it would seem.
The children are following my progress and pitfalls with interest and encouragement. I need to do my homework but I'm finding it's all too easy to just fall asleep.

With this in mind we have embarked on a new routine - early to bed, early to rise, which means I'm in work earlier but still just as tired at the end of the day! On top of this we have given up alcohol and increased exercise - now it's just a case of getting used to it all, and I'm sure I'll be re-energised and able to read everything I have to and want to, reply to my e mails and texts and write proper letters, and generally get done what needs to :-)

the best feeling in the world

Sam couldn't sleep tonight.

When they were small I'd fairly often cuddle them until they fell asleep in my arms. It has to be one of the most beautiful feelings in the entire world.

So I wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to savour the sleepy softness of her nestled into my neck, arms wrapped around me until she relaxed into a peaceful slumber.

A perfect way to end a day.

The twig, part one

In the summer I picked up this small piece of twig while we were out walking with S and his boys around the reservoir, with plans to try and cast it in silver, and add something sparkly to it.

Last night saw the start of this process. Hopefully we'll try casting it using cuttlefish, and then, as long as the twig is intact, we can try with a silicone mould too.

Its strange how not long after starting this, the twig, which we have all had a good laugh at, has turned into something precious and meaningful to me, and now I'm taking great care not to knock bits off it....
Then again there's something I like about that too

The biggest dream when I was a child

Your letter was only the start of it,
One letter, and now you're a part of it.
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you...
There must be something that you always want to do,
The one thing that you always wanted to
Now you've done it—Jim has fixed it for you,
And you and you and you...

When I was little I used to watch Jim'll fix it almost religiously - watching all kinds of dreams come true. I'm sure if it was still running now little R would have written in to ask to watch Liverpool play live at Anfield.

Yesterday I managed to get hold of two tickets for Liverpool v Manchester City at Anfield in November, double checked flights and hotels, and then broke the news - it was a really special moment, filled with disbelief, excitement and tears of joy . I'm sure he thought it would never happen.
Now and again I find him suddenly grinning as he thinks of it.

He's so happy it's infectious.

Unexpected kindness

Its the end of another week, home from Sam's ballet class and time to relax.
Little R flew off on football tour today and it always feels as if something's missing when one of us is away.

The unexpected challenge of today came in the form of management being kind and caring.
I have been so impressed by the whole team working together, have been bowled over by their support, but was caught offguard by unexpected kindness. I'm simply just not used to it at work.

It has made me think about how conditioned we can become to only expect criticism or increased demands, so that when the opposite occurs it can be overwhelming and hard to accept.

Seeing our faults can be easier than seeing our worth..... but maybe thats because it's what we get used to.

Unique as a fingerprint

My first discovery in blog land was a real treasure, and inadvertently led me to discover various other wonderful blogs.

Small words, simple ideas, spoken by someone outside our usual group of friends or family can sometimes trigger a thought process, a way of seeing and feeling that hadn't seemed clear before.

Thankyou Pip, when I first saw this I printed it out for my son. I've mentioned before about him being bullied in the past, and his self esteem is so fragile.
This was one of those triggers, I've read it with him many times, and it helps both of us.

Sometimes we don't know what our words mean to others, and sometimes they mean so very much.

Time for....

Since I've started back at the hospital, even though I'm officially working more than I was before, in fact I now have more time free, and more time to spend with the children, more time to cook tea, more time to help with homework supervision, in fact more time generally - more time to learn things I never knew or things I have forgotten. More time as a family - things that money just can't buy.

Time for being reminded that there are words I still struggle to spell, as I check the spellings for this week... one c or two, how many s's ....?
Some words I'll always have to check with a dictionary if I want them spelt correctly!

I will never forget how completely amazed I was at the speed the children learned to read.
If anything can illustrate the sponge-like quality of a childs brain it has to be learning to read - one of the most incredible everyday miracles I've been witness to.

We have spent much time since then, learning how to spell, although I was pleased to hear the other evening that the teachers are now putting more emphasis on the content and ideas within the children's writing than they are on the spelling ...
a blessing for so many people who found spelling difficult and thought that their writing was poor as a consequence.

Now Sam will look at her writing and judge it on her descriptions, her use of dialogue, how exciting it is, and whether she has portrayed what she wanted to the reader, before she gets to the grammar and spelling.
I'm no writer, but that seems about right to me.

Second thoughts?

Have been catching parts of Extreme dreams - a programme which has followed a group of people as they attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. The fittest of them was struck by altitude sickness and has had to come down the mountain on the last day. It's actually quite scary, even though I know it's possibly enhanced slightly for good tv viewing.

I still haven't given up hope that I might get to do this, added in is the fact that a very good friend has now decided she is definitely doing it too, and I think it would be really great to climb with her.

However, this programme has made me face the reality of what I'm thinking of doing. Only a few days ago it seemed that everyone I met knew someone who had done it or was going to do it and the challenge seemed lessened purely by the number of people I was aware of who had been there, it was almost no big deal.
Now the balance has swung the other way, R and the kids have been watching the programme too - there are serious risks involved, and this isn't a decision just for me to make, and it's not just the time I'll be away, it's very much a family decision...

I suppose for me, it's also partly about turning it around and thinking if it was R who wanted to do it would I be happy for him to, or would I feel strongly enough to try and stop him...

At the end of it all I guess some decisions just need to be shared.

Tonight

First night back at jewellery and silversmithing nightclass - so good to meet up with people I haven't seen since last term, so good to feel other people's energy, meeting new people, and struck as I am so often, by the unrelated benefit this class has on my life beyond it's stated objective - full of ideas, avenues to be explored, just a great place for pooling thoughts - I'd missed it.

It's that time of year again, we've been gathering conkers from the trees in my parents garden - as yet children are still allowed to play conkers in the playground over here.
Each year similar discussions take place on how to get the best (hardest) conker and to that end we still have some left from last year.
I have to say though that there is a luscious quality about a fresh shiny rich red/brown conker that one stored for a year just doesn't have.
However, that's not the most important thing to the children, so shrivelled, hard ones are better as long as they are winning!
I'm also quite taken now with the idea that they can keep spiders at bay, so I might just keep some of these newly collected ones back for the house!

It's sloe time again - and since we never seem to have the time to search them out and pick our own, a big bag, full, was a most welcome present.

We were introduced to sloe brandy a few years ago and I've wanted to make some ever since.
In fact the whole brewing beer / homemade wine idea rather appeals to me, although I have vague memories of rather unpleasant tasting homebrew from student days and wonder if wine would be equally as dubious....

Still, after an evening of preparation, the sloe brandy is now sitting patiently fermenting, or is it brewing, doing whatever sloes and brandy do, until it is ready to be tasted this winter.

We also have another quantity of sloes left over, waiting to be processed into something tomorrow, as yet undecided...

Despondent

At the end of today, I am still left with the question that has been haunting my thoughts and tormenting my emotions, wondering at exactly what point does someone's heart become so hardened that it loses its compassion, even to a child - words fail and I suspect there are no answers, but how does someone stop caring or showing care? I've been angry, sad, so many mixed up emotions, I try to rationalise and understand yet I can't - isn't empathy an instinctively human reaction? Perhaps not....

An alien concept

A day off - one whole complete day to do whatever I want - how luxurious, how easy for it to run away, who cares if it does.....

time spent reading and catching up on blogs, but still not enough to get to all I wanted to sit and read properly and comment

should clean the house but am off to the library, which means a trip through town to get there and I'm not sure I'm in enough of a self disciplined frame of mind to avoid the shops

calls to make, a christening to accept, the sun is out and the garden is calling

I'm not used to days off, time to call mine - a dream I've had for far too long

The winds of change

I'm caught in a whirlwind at the moment - with my new job, being a complete novice and learning from scratch. The learning curve is steep, but I'm gaining in confidence, and the team are just wonderful ~ encouraging and reassuring at just the right level. It's great to be back in the hospital, and am loving the variety of people I'm meeting every day.

A weekend away wasn't exactly restful but was good fun and mentally relaxing - I finally got to see the Kandinsky exhibition, was well entertained by the now exhausted Robbie , and spent valuable time catching up with friends, chatting well into the small hours.

The change is good

It's not on the curriculum, but....

Pride and self confidence are the two words resonating through my brain, from an information evening at school last night. They talked about standards of work and achievements too, but that was secondary to developing and maintaining the boys self esteem, which will prepare them for their transition into year seven this time next year.

To me it was reassuring, and was intended to be so to the boys, but instead, it was the trigger for R to tell us his concerns about the move to big school.

Back in his reception year R was bullied, but it wasn't until mid way through year one that it became so persistent and damaging that we moved schools. In a very short space of time we saw such huge changes, children were kind, wanted to play, wanted to be friends. Somewhere between six months to a year, we had a happy smiling child back again.

A year and a half later the children who bullied him in infant school, followed him to junior school, but mentally stronger, and secure within his own friendship groups, he was able to stand up to them and then walk away - it's been a long time now since they even tried to pick on him, something he has achieved, non-agressively, by himself.

He has learnt so much about handling his own emotions, and his response to others. We have watched him grow in confidence as a person, with a fantastic group of friends around him. He has been totally transformed, and at times it is hard to see the child he used to be.

Yet sometimes we get a real glimpse, that barely hidden, just under the surface, are all those feelings he had back then.
Last night was one of those glimpses.
Self esteem and self confidence go hand in hand, but helping them grow needs constant nurturing.
They are so powerful, and yet so incredibly fragile too.
I'm pleased it was the focus of the meeting - it would appear to me that perhaps it's one of the biggest gifts we can strive to help our children develop, yet possibly one of the hardest to bolster once it has been shaken.

Life

A few days ago in our relatively quiet community a 21 year old was stabbed and died,
I hear of another young man killled in a motorbike accident,
I pass the hospice,
Walk through old familiar territory in hospital
Hear of a family friend who had a heart attack during the summer, now recovering back home after surgery in London.
I hear of families who are grieving, and children who have lost parents,
I watch stories about September 11th on tv.

It hurts, people are hurting.....

For now, I have my family, my children ~ oh so precious ~ last night I hugged them extra tightly and prayed as they fell asleep.

prayed for their lives to be as full of life as possible, and, for me, I vowed to make each moment count, and to cherish all that is given to me. Sometimes it seems thats all we can do.