Second thoughts?

Have been catching parts of Extreme dreams - a programme which has followed a group of people as they attempt to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. The fittest of them was struck by altitude sickness and has had to come down the mountain on the last day. It's actually quite scary, even though I know it's possibly enhanced slightly for good tv viewing.

I still haven't given up hope that I might get to do this, added in is the fact that a very good friend has now decided she is definitely doing it too, and I think it would be really great to climb with her.

However, this programme has made me face the reality of what I'm thinking of doing. Only a few days ago it seemed that everyone I met knew someone who had done it or was going to do it and the challenge seemed lessened purely by the number of people I was aware of who had been there, it was almost no big deal.
Now the balance has swung the other way, R and the kids have been watching the programme too - there are serious risks involved, and this isn't a decision just for me to make, and it's not just the time I'll be away, it's very much a family decision...

I suppose for me, it's also partly about turning it around and thinking if it was R who wanted to do it would I be happy for him to, or would I feel strongly enough to try and stop him...

At the end of it all I guess some decisions just need to be shared.

Tonight

First night back at jewellery and silversmithing nightclass - so good to meet up with people I haven't seen since last term, so good to feel other people's energy, meeting new people, and struck as I am so often, by the unrelated benefit this class has on my life beyond it's stated objective - full of ideas, avenues to be explored, just a great place for pooling thoughts - I'd missed it.

It's that time of year again, we've been gathering conkers from the trees in my parents garden - as yet children are still allowed to play conkers in the playground over here.
Each year similar discussions take place on how to get the best (hardest) conker and to that end we still have some left from last year.
I have to say though that there is a luscious quality about a fresh shiny rich red/brown conker that one stored for a year just doesn't have.
However, that's not the most important thing to the children, so shrivelled, hard ones are better as long as they are winning!
I'm also quite taken now with the idea that they can keep spiders at bay, so I might just keep some of these newly collected ones back for the house!

It's sloe time again - and since we never seem to have the time to search them out and pick our own, a big bag, full, was a most welcome present.

We were introduced to sloe brandy a few years ago and I've wanted to make some ever since.
In fact the whole brewing beer / homemade wine idea rather appeals to me, although I have vague memories of rather unpleasant tasting homebrew from student days and wonder if wine would be equally as dubious....

Still, after an evening of preparation, the sloe brandy is now sitting patiently fermenting, or is it brewing, doing whatever sloes and brandy do, until it is ready to be tasted this winter.

We also have another quantity of sloes left over, waiting to be processed into something tomorrow, as yet undecided...

Despondent

At the end of today, I am still left with the question that has been haunting my thoughts and tormenting my emotions, wondering at exactly what point does someone's heart become so hardened that it loses its compassion, even to a child - words fail and I suspect there are no answers, but how does someone stop caring or showing care? I've been angry, sad, so many mixed up emotions, I try to rationalise and understand yet I can't - isn't empathy an instinctively human reaction? Perhaps not....

An alien concept

A day off - one whole complete day to do whatever I want - how luxurious, how easy for it to run away, who cares if it does.....

time spent reading and catching up on blogs, but still not enough to get to all I wanted to sit and read properly and comment

should clean the house but am off to the library, which means a trip through town to get there and I'm not sure I'm in enough of a self disciplined frame of mind to avoid the shops

calls to make, a christening to accept, the sun is out and the garden is calling

I'm not used to days off, time to call mine - a dream I've had for far too long

The winds of change

I'm caught in a whirlwind at the moment - with my new job, being a complete novice and learning from scratch. The learning curve is steep, but I'm gaining in confidence, and the team are just wonderful ~ encouraging and reassuring at just the right level. It's great to be back in the hospital, and am loving the variety of people I'm meeting every day.

A weekend away wasn't exactly restful but was good fun and mentally relaxing - I finally got to see the Kandinsky exhibition, was well entertained by the now exhausted Robbie , and spent valuable time catching up with friends, chatting well into the small hours.

The change is good

It's not on the curriculum, but....

Pride and self confidence are the two words resonating through my brain, from an information evening at school last night. They talked about standards of work and achievements too, but that was secondary to developing and maintaining the boys self esteem, which will prepare them for their transition into year seven this time next year.

To me it was reassuring, and was intended to be so to the boys, but instead, it was the trigger for R to tell us his concerns about the move to big school.

Back in his reception year R was bullied, but it wasn't until mid way through year one that it became so persistent and damaging that we moved schools. In a very short space of time we saw such huge changes, children were kind, wanted to play, wanted to be friends. Somewhere between six months to a year, we had a happy smiling child back again.

A year and a half later the children who bullied him in infant school, followed him to junior school, but mentally stronger, and secure within his own friendship groups, he was able to stand up to them and then walk away - it's been a long time now since they even tried to pick on him, something he has achieved, non-agressively, by himself.

He has learnt so much about handling his own emotions, and his response to others. We have watched him grow in confidence as a person, with a fantastic group of friends around him. He has been totally transformed, and at times it is hard to see the child he used to be.

Yet sometimes we get a real glimpse, that barely hidden, just under the surface, are all those feelings he had back then.
Last night was one of those glimpses.
Self esteem and self confidence go hand in hand, but helping them grow needs constant nurturing.
They are so powerful, and yet so incredibly fragile too.
I'm pleased it was the focus of the meeting - it would appear to me that perhaps it's one of the biggest gifts we can strive to help our children develop, yet possibly one of the hardest to bolster once it has been shaken.

Life

A few days ago in our relatively quiet community a 21 year old was stabbed and died,
I hear of another young man killled in a motorbike accident,
I pass the hospice,
Walk through old familiar territory in hospital
Hear of a family friend who had a heart attack during the summer, now recovering back home after surgery in London.
I hear of families who are grieving, and children who have lost parents,
I watch stories about September 11th on tv.

It hurts, people are hurting.....

For now, I have my family, my children ~ oh so precious ~ last night I hugged them extra tightly and prayed as they fell asleep.

prayed for their lives to be as full of life as possible, and, for me, I vowed to make each moment count, and to cherish all that is given to me. Sometimes it seems thats all we can do.

Sometimes I can't help thinking it's better to keep quiet ~ earlier today I visited the occupational health department for my pre employment check of immunisations, height, weight etc
I am not sure exactly why, but the focus for today was sight.......

I have good reason for having a phobia of sight tests based on an experience when I was six or seven. It's not something that has a marked impact on my life, and I can overcome it if needed.
However, as these tests were going on for some time - I'm really not sure of the rationale behind them in this situation - I mentioned this wasn't my most favourite thing

The response to finding this out was.... perhaps I'd like some counselling to help me.....?

what ensued was, him trying to make me take a piece of paper with numbers on it, me refusing and passing it back, him pushing it towards me, me saying no, him saying why not, me saying I didn't need counselling for it, me explaining that anyone who needed to, knew, including the optician, him insisting I should...
eventually I thanked him, said I knew he had the information if I ever needed it and made my exit

I wonder, had I said I was scared of spiders or needles or something more common, if he'd have advocated counselling?

Why do people impose themselves on others? I wasn't that concerned until he started making a big fuss about it.
What's wrong with just accepting people for who they are, with their insecurities, their stories and backgrounds, their vulnerabilities - why try to rock the boat of someone who is coping?

And what is it with this obsession with counselling? It's not that I can't see it's value, I can, very much so, but just not for every possible situation - I struggled to get adequate one to one support for bereaved children I was caring for, and he is trying to force counsellor time onto someone who doesn't want it....
it doesn't make sense...

Baptism of fire

R and R just arrived home after a friend invited them fishing....

Little R has always hated anything to do with fish, but it's cool to go fishing - right????

He has seen fish being caught and lines baited and been a part of the whole male fishing experience, including having to pee over the side, no time to indulge any phobia/dislike of any degree - and actually seems to have quite enjoyed the experience ~ it just remains for me to decide how to handle the next time we go past the fish market...

ps: and please don't ask how big the one they caught is !

Nature's cheeky - Probably no more than two months ago this tree, which I helped my Dad plant about 30 years ago, split in two - it wasn't overly windy, it just happened.

He then decided to fell the other half as it was wobbling, but decided to do it himself - we wish he'd asked for help, but we all take risks we shouldn't. As the other half fell he started to run away from it and slipped.

Fortunately, the tree fell the other way and he is still here to tell the tale. If it had fallen on him he would almost certainly not be. The stump was turned into a seat - a peaceful place to absorb nature in their garden.

I had to smile when I visited to find it happily sprouting away - the amount it has grown in such a short time is incredible!

Second chances

On the life / death continuum it doesn't get more important than resuscitation. The final day of induction required us all to update our skills before taking up our posts around the hospitals. However, far from being dull, there was a lot of humour, much laughter along the way and a bag full of learning taking place.

It's been quite some time since I was involved in resuscitation, but a complimentary comment on my technique - well practised over the years, made me yearn for something - rekindled a desire to use these skills again.

I've spent a fair amount of time since, thinking about those people whose lives touched mine as we tried to bring them back to life - there were some success stories along the way, but sadly far more who, try as we may, just didn't make it.

The little girl, completely perfect, bar a single stab wound to her chest, who, after a very long failed attempt, I carefully dressed in a night dress from the children's ward - her father made the call - he claimed it was him who killled her
I wonder about her life even now, 18 years on
The heroin addict who, once resuscitated, was furious with us for wasting and reversing his hard spent drugs
The unknown child brought in from a house littered with used needles
The elderly unkempt man with thousands of pounds on him
and the leather clad biker who had sped off after an argument with his family

many more come to mind - those who had taken overdoses - a cry for help gone wrong or had they meant it?
the teenager bleeding from every orifice - oozing blood from eyes and skin, burning up from the inside out - washing out her stomach with ice in a futile attempt to save a young life - all for the sake of an ecstacy tablet
and the frail old lady whose family just couldn't believe she could die

It took me back. It's important for me to feel that we gave it our best shot - I know the whole team were affected by these people - but sometimes our best just isn't good enough - sometimes we don't get the results we want
but sometimes lives are saved, or rather, prolonged - it's not about playing at being god - it's about helping give people another chance

It was about not writing someone off just because they weren't breathing and their heart had stopped - it was about the ultimate hope and belief - and knowledge - that sometimes the seemingly impossible could happen if we only tried, yet without trying, the outcome was inevitable.

So with that reminder ringing in my ears we completed our induction and were sent on our way

Exercise is good

The return to semi regular exercise feels good, and tonight I was persuaded by a friend to try body balance - a blended version of yoga and tai chi to music - not as peaceful or meditative as yoga, but I'm somewhat stretched all the same, and no doubt will feel it tomorrow.

Normally I exercise on my own, but on recent gym trips I have met up with J and it's much more fun - nothing quite like a good work out to destress and calm, and a bonus if I get to catch up on news I've missed.

People are still asking /semi expecting me to provide what I did in my previous job - more requests today.
For very simple reasons I can't, yet there is no local service for these people any more. Helpless frustration, tinged with guilt, surrounds this, yet I know I tried all the options open before I left, plus I now have a new job I need to concentrate on.
In many ways, the service offered by this charity had grown to such an extent, it was no longer viewed as a charity but more as a statutory service. It's no wonder there is still an expectation from people, and a disbelief that it's disappeared.

I am reminded that we are all on a journey, and recovery is a process, that I slip but there are people to catch me.... and I am thankful for this reminder

Now aching muscles need sleep....

And so it was...

News brought home from school, not just of their first days adventures but of someone they thought of as really cool.
They talk as if they knew him, are taken aback at news they hadn't expected, feel sad, yet marvel at his adventures and that he had really lived but that he chose to live dangerously too .



I was in my cocoon of induction before I can actually start my job - so I had to catch up on life news later. A wealth of characters or maybe animated caricatures would best describe the day, from the ever so jolly to the dullest way to impart the dullest information.... strangely I have gained slightly in knowledge so perhaps I was more engaged than I thought.
The challenge of acquiring a uniform to fit, as opposed to a sack, was achieved ( no mean feat from the linen rooms of hospitals), an escape made for lunch and then home to a Birthday teaparty for R at the end of the day.

Many phone calls later and we find some peace and time to reflect and relax

It feels good.



We step it up with manual handling and fire lectures tomorrow!!

A new beginning

Its a new year, a new term tomorrow, a new job for me, a new start.....

The relaxed freedom of the summer holiday is over and everything signals the change that that brings about..... early starts, alarm clocks, uniforms all neatly labelled, lessons, bells, clubs, activities, then before we know it it will be harvest festivals, school productions and Christmas ~ all mapped out.

However, the structure this brings is reassuring ~ their anxieties about leaving the holiday behind and starting a new year with new teachers are balanced with the knowledge that a large part of what lies ahead is familiar.

I'm thankful for this, they know where they are, what the boundaries are, and from this place of security they can explore and stretch those boundaries.

I love the idea that they are free, that we are free, holidays let us truly let our hair down and run wild if we want, do things we wouldn't normally get to do and some of those boundaries get well and truly stretched in the process. Yet a return to what is stable and secure, is grounding and reassuring.

It's not that the party's over, it's a new one beginning, a new cycle.

It feels more like New Year to me than New Year itself - I've never really embraced the whole New Year thing, but September is always filled with new starts, a new resolve, often several, so although a part of me wishes the Summer holidays could carry on for ever and ever ~ running wild and free ~ the start of new possibilities is ahead, which creates both nervousness and excitement at the same time.

We just need to get started

The next adventure?

A visit to the Bank manager yesterday proved rather more interesting than merely rethinking our mortgage arrangements!

Earlier in the year I had read about plans for 40 women to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but being focussed on the moon walk I hadn't given it serious thought on a personal level.
Yesterday at the end of our meeting at the bank it was suggested to me that there were places left and would I like to join them.

The reason behind it is to raise awareness of the key signs and symptoms of Ovarian cancer - the prime objective of a relatively new charity, Keysoc.
Information on the expedition is here

It's something I'd love to do - it would be a fantastic challenge but would be beautiful and have a purpose too - it was all discussed with the family and agreed, I was getting very excited at the thought of it, but when I checked with work it looks as if I probably can't go - not this time, not yet, not perhaps for this cause.

The charity looks good though - it's important, and it's message is worth the time to check out.
I wasn't looking for excitement, but who knows what's around the next corner?

Mister God this is Anna

Just before our break we visited my parents and I happened to be in my old bedroom - now the guest room. Many of the books on the bookshelves are the same as they were when I was at home, but for some reason one of those old books caught my eye and I realised I had never looked inside it, it was so familiar I hardly gave it a second glance.

Hidden in full view was "Mister God this is Anna"

Since I started reading it I've been totally absorbed by it - it is the most wonderful book I've read in years and years. The relationship of this small girl with Mister God, her thoughts and questionings, discoveries and ideas has made me think and look at things at a new angle - there are far too many special parts to single out one or a few even.

I'm probably very slow on picking up this book - the fact it sat for 30 years (mainly I think because it had the word God in the title) without me reading it says that- but it really is a 'wow' book, and for anyone who hasn't read it, it's worth it - or I think it is anway.

"The diffrense from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside" Anna aged 6

Am so impressed

Then we got back to find our friend had just successfully swum the English channel in 15 1/2 hours for breast cancer research - a great friend, and inspiration - totally amazing!

Slow

Have been away for a couple of days - school starts next week so it seemed a good idea to grab some space while we could. Some luxury too - a proper bed to sleep on in a hotel instead of sofa beds or camping style accomodation! The children had bunk beds - if only I could bottle their excitement...!

We swam, read, watched dvds and played games - slowed right down
Slow as a contrast from the parties and lateness of previous evenings with friends, which were lively, fun and full of energy, but tiring all the same.


Slow was good - just to stop the whirlwind and be still
- sitting with each of my family at various points, sharing moments and making contact with them, their thoughts and ideas, touching base with what's important.
Realising the real value of anything uncomplicated and pure and wishing more of life could be so simple ..... somehow the stillness seems to help in untangling thoughts, emotions and feelings
- now we're home can it last?