Fix you

For some reason this song has been playing in my head ~






although I know there is no 'fixing' anyone...
because that would be pretending.
We heal and we mend, but we're never 'fixed' as such,
just patched up.

And our scars and wounds tell our history
and mean we fit in with others who have scars and wounds,
and sometimes we compare them,
and sometimes people tell their stories,
and we realise we're not so alone,
in that place we find acceptance, and maybe learn to accept ourselves
that we are only human, and
we can never go backwards,
only ever onwards
together

not an easy lesson to be learning over, again and again...

I want some of what he's on please :)

Perhaps it's just because the sun is out, or perhaps it's the conversation I had with a good friend who has never needed more than the bare necessities as he has travelled and who seems to navigate life with the most wonderful attitude.

Anyhow, it made me smile and I happen to think that sometimes we all need a little Baloo wisdom in our lives :)

Thanks go to the very lovely Niki for this award/meme which asks me to list 10 totally honest things about me, so why not...although I'm never sure there is much to say!

1. I guess a good start is that out of any quality, I value honesty the most. No matter what has happened the truth is nearly always easier to deal with than what I make up in my head and it is the only place to start trying to sort anything out. I find it very hard to tolerate lies and it is the easiest way to lose my friendship or my trust.

2. I am a born night owl and would often stay awake reading under the covers as a child, although I do love seeing the dawn in, and there is nothing more beautiful, especially with someone special, but it is rare I get to do it.
I honestly don't know how I managed to work the shifts I did while I was nursing!
However, I am making a mental note to make sure I see the dawn in again soon :)

3. I think I am lucky to have worked in areas and in jobs I have totally loved and have been able to give my heart and soul to, and only wish life could be longer to have given me more time to work in them, but such is life that it moves on!!

4. When I was small I wanted to be a Nun.
I'd have been a most terrible Nun, and thank goodness I saw sense quite quickly. The less time spent dwelling on that the better I think!

5. I am an only child, but have gathered brothers and sisters as I have grown up - who have been there and been my true family on more than one occasion far more than many of my blood relatives. I treasure them dearly.

6. I have an absolute phobia about having my eyes tested or examined in any way and the only time I ever nearly fainted was in 'eye theatre' during my training. Thankfully I don't need glasses - the only time I have had them tested as an adult they were fine and now I just keep testing myself as I go along!

7. I have my second purple belt in karate. I was very nearly a brown belt, just never got to the grading... and a few months ago a guy I met spent several weeks coaxing me to take it up again. If I can commit the time then Karate Kate will be back, but will have to start from scratch again!
It was actually only a way of getting into the boys college if the truth be known (I started when I was 14), but then I became addicted to it - the discipline, the fitness and the respect from all these hard guys who would take us down the pub later and look out for us too.

8. I can't draw or copy, so was told I was uncreative at school, but since have discovered I can mould things with my hands and enjoy making 3d work. I love my jewellery and silversmithing class and have gradually changed how I see myself creatively... there is nothing sweeter than proving someone's miscalculated opinion of you wrong!! :)

9. A few years ago I completed the Playtex moonwalk - a marathon 26.2 mile power walk across London overnight wearing decorated bras...in aid of breast cancer. It was the most amazing experience. I would never run a marathon but this was fun and we could still speak whereas running would be no fun!... am looking out for the next challenge, pondering the Inca trail but who knows!

10. I have done all kinds of things and been truly fulfilled in so many ways in so many areas and yet I feel as if I'm still searching, that there is still an adventure to be lived and I'm not sure where it's leading. Not so much as 'not having found what I'm looking for' as 'not quite sure where I'm headed but I'm going there regardless'...

I am now supposed to pass this award onto 7 other blogs that I think are brilliant and well worth a visit. That could be any of you guys out there, and I'd love to read yours if you fancy doing it :)

Reaching out and holding on

Reaching out for something to hold,
something to grab hold of,
a hand, a finger, human touch,
Reaching out ~ even before we are born, to hold a hand in the unknown.

It's natural, an innate desire and response.
I have been thinking of this image and story,
would love to post the image but copyright prevents me...

It touched my heart when I first read about it and saw the photo several years ago now and it has stayed with me... it's incredible.

we all want and need someone to care, to just be there.

light relief... or not! :)

Much filling my mind at the moment -

so to relax we turn on the television -

First up is
"Would you save a stranger?"
well would you?? a stranger being attacked, would you intervene? Something I have often wondered would I be strong enough to do it? Would I help? I hope I would, I hope some one would help my children if they needed someone to..
yet I know it's not an easy choice when your life may be at risk... and not what I am teaching to the children in my lessons, that they must not put themselves at risk, but must call for help...mmm

then followed by
Teenage sex vs pornography..
the last in a series that perhaps we should have recorded or let our eldest watch.. or both...
but we have tried to be good about bedtime, and after the watershed I admit I didn't want even more questions to keep us up even later, and so we switched a couple of nights ago to "only fools and horses", a far safer option pre-bedtime.

I always thought we were very open talking about sex and any subjects as they came up but now it's relevant I am questioning if we have been as open as we thought.

So, there we have it, a relaxing chilled out evening by the tv.
Nothing to worry about in that little lot... so do sleep well and please don't have nightmares!! to paraphrase the ending of another tv show.

so much for my light relief! ;)

and till tomorrow when I may have something more exciting to blog.

I am curious and interested ~

do you think you would save a stranger who was being attacked?

and do you think / wish you had had more sex education at school and if so what would you have liked/ needed at what age?

PS: if anyone is waiting for replies to e mails I haven't forgotten, but our pc keeps falling over and so I only have our mac with no regular e mail access... am working on it though :)

Revive, rejuventate, regenerate...relax,

rest, rethink, refocus,

restore

name your dream

Living, dreaming, seeing possibilities and doing what we can to make a difference to other people's lives using the talents we each uniquely have.

I can't think of anything that inspires me more really.

This photographer has travelled and seen and now has a dream which could become a reality thanks to a competition being run by www.nameyourdreamassignment.com

This is what he says -

Childhood Interrupted - Jason Florio

To bring to light the extreme hardships of the estimated 100,000 children that live on and under the streets of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Many children are victims of child trafficking and family abuse and were forced to escape to the street.

Three years ago I was photographing in Addis Ababa the capital of Ethiopia and I met a young boy called Bruke who had runaway from a small village because of an alcoholic and physically abusive father and a step mother that did not want him. Bruke, when I found him was living with his friend Oromo in a small concrete hole that was 3 x 4 x 5 ft in size that was in the median of a very busy road. He was surviving, like so many of the street children there off left over plate scraps from restaurants. Through an outreach center that tries to help the estimated 100,000 plus street children that live in the Mercato market area of Addis I was also able to talk to many other children like Bruke who had escaped not just abusive families but were victims of child trafficking and prostitution. My dream assignment would be to return to Addis and make a detailed photo essay with audio interviews with the children that would bring to light the horrors of child trafficking and the extreme dangers that these young children face everyday on the streets. The ultimate dream would be to use part of the money to find Bruke and help him establish a life off the streets. If I cannot find him then I will donate part of the money to the Forum on Street Children, an NGO that helps rescue children from the hardships life on the streets of the Mercato area.

Please take a minute to vote for this and help me create awareness about these young children.

Deadline for voting is April 3rd. Thank you for taking the time.

http://www.nameyourdreamassignment.com/the-ideas/florio/childhood-interrupted/

The stories of these children do need to be told, please check by and if you think it's important please vote...

There is an image of Bruke on HellyJ's website...thanks for letting me know about this :)

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

"Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

Kahlil Gibran

So much is a mystery, so much is trial and error - correction perhaps, it is ALL trial and error...

there is light, there is possibility, and there is hope and steps forward, which sometimes balance the times we slide backwards on sheet ice on our backsides down the mountain...
there is humour, mainly very dry and dark humour, and hands to hold while we laugh, at ourselves and our failures and while we pray fervently that we will arrive one day, albeit and very, very definitely, broken, battered and bruised, but still somehow even more together than we did at the beginning of it all,
when we dreamed those idealistic dreams of not so many years ago...

perhaps I dreamt of a smoother journey, but perhaps they weren't so idealistic or unrealistic after all,
perhaps I just can't see it yet.

Greenbelt is not just for August

Just catching up, and had meant to post this a while back.

Last August Bank holiday we were lucky enough to find ourselves at a festival we had heard lots about in Cheltenham called Greenbelt, where we listened to both talks and music, and over the weekend we experienced and absorbed many things, very personal to each of us, and we left feeling and knowing that we had been somewhere rather special. In many ways it has lingered and left some kind of residual effect inter twined through our lives.

I guess in many ways Greenbelt is not just for a weekend, it's an all year experience.

One thing that has been happening since has been a monthly podcast, available on itunes.
A bit of Greenbelt whenever you fancy it, delivered straight to your ears.

Not so long ago it was number one of the podcast charts in it's category...and that was when I meant to post about it, but visit and listen and leave comments and feedback (who knows - it may yet rise again to number one). I know a lot of work has gone into creating them..and that work is much appreciated :)

The link below should take you to them..

greenbelt podcasts

ps the photo, outside the Jesus arms beer tent on the first night.. first stop while we decided what to do next...:)

Who says you're not here any more....

Who says you're not here any more....

I can't touch you, but I can still see you,
I can imagine you around
I remember things you said
I can see you at the dinner table, I can see your smile,
I can hear your laugh, and the stories you would tell,
I have your wisdom in my mind,
I can see and hear you laughing at yourself, telling tales.

I can replay so many moments
and if I'm quiet I can hear you even now when I need guidance

as we put back R's room after we redecorated it I saw your photo there
I wish you'd managed to meet him, your godson,
that never seemed fair,
right now we could do with you here.
I nicked the photo, ok borrowed it for now,
I need you with me,
you were good with things like this,
you knew what to say, how to be, how not to be...

and always always with a smile and a laugh, always ready to see the funny side...
and yet you are here,
sitting watching, keeping me safe, guiding me and reassuring,
those wise eyes looking out from the photo,
your voice reading at our wedding,
your handwritten notes written telling me of funny things,
and sandwiched inbetween, your faith, your belief in us,

I look and I listen and I feel
and still I wonder...

who says you're not here?



( and thank you so much for comments on the last two posts - I'm coming back soon to reply to them, am all back to front right now but will get back some form of order and decorum before too long I hope :) xx )

nee naw nee naw nee naw....

sometimes as part of our professional development we would get to go out with the paramedics and ambulance crews on the ambulances..
somehow there is something hugely exciting about speeding through familiar streets with the blue lights flashing and the sirens going...adrenaline pumping and anticipation, never being quite sure of what you were going to find, unlike the specific information we would receive from the crews calling though 'blue light' cases to A&E
at one point I considered re training as a paramedic but family kind of stops that - the shift patterns don't quite fit, but everything else about it sits so well with everything about me.. oh well. another life perhaps!!
anyhow, my new job lends itself to time out with the crews.. you have to experience what you are teaching - I firmly believe that regardless of the level you are teaching and so I spent a day last week out and about...

back to my roots, back to what it is all about,
to life and death
to people making choices
to the bones of living
to experience the reminder of that split second that can change a life forever

and to what I am good at.. to what comes naturally,
and to what I am trained in - highly trained...
to the me that always has been
a love affair with life and death that has never and will never end

because as soon as I am back there it is like I have never left any of it..

they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...
and that was what I decided a while back, well as far as work goes anyhow!

but it never stops you from reconnecting and feeling that zest for life that comes with remembering that feeling...and transferring the energy into other things. We may not be able to relive the past but we can take forward something special from that.

Right now I guess I need something that is not going to stretch me too far... I can do without challenging for the moment - life is challenge enough. Which is why this is ideal... new challenges await later in the year - planned for and waiting. This is my time to pour all my energy into what counts right now... but it was still good to live my dream again for a bit...

how many people really do get to live their dream - even for a while..?
perhaps I am just too greedy!!
perhaps I'm just lucky...
I can't help feeling this is only a part of a bigger picture - but I havent a clue what that picture is.

For now I am grateful for what is and continues to be, albeit with a few hiccoughs ~ calm is a word that is thankfully lingering for now and my next trip on the ambulances looks set to be an evening shift which should be fun fun fun.... aswell as sobering and thought provoking and emotionally stretching and all the things I thrive on... maybe, that is!

hmmmm that was NOT what I was going to write tonight... how odd that is what came out!

consider this more of a personal diary entry than a blog!! x

Spot the difference?

Two approaches,
two people, sat next to one another,
both experienced
both talking about the same person..

one says
"he doesn't concentrate, he doesn't listen, he's always in his own world,
when he does listen he doesn't do it properly, he doesn't follow instructions,
and he doesn't read them, and then when he tries to follow them he makes a mess, he gets it wrong, he doesn't try,

he's easily distracted..."

a question ... "who distracts him?"
answer... "oh he 'll be distracted by everyone..."

"He says he really wants to try he wants to change and he has been making a huge effort lately, but it has only been two weeks...."

Well yes, maybe, he was ill and he did miss some work, but perhaps he did do better than before and so he probably is making an effort...But thats all you expect from a band 3 child..."


Similar conversation, second person..

"Oh yes.... lovely boy, got a bit lost around Christmas but is trying and improving, had a few hiccoughs, but we seem to be getting over them, and his organisation has improved. He never minds me reminding him of things though.
He can do some lovely work and is making progress. Seems to be settling down.

"So, he's not distracted by the others...?"

"Oh they can all be distracted, but I know where they all are, and if I need to I move some of them.
He's been in band two for a while but is moving towards the upper part of it and I can see he is really focused now and trying. He's lovely"


Perspective, attitudes, approaches, labels, what makes someone want to work for one and not the other? It's not as they say, rocket science, not really!

all things I am pondering today...

Calm

Constant emotional turmoil is tiring, exhausting, not just mentally, but physically, and when there is a let up sleep comes regardless....

I have always loved the body's capacity to heal and to take what it needs for itself when it needs it. It's a pretty clever bit of kit really. Apart from the fact mine is in overdrive on itself but everything has it's faults now and again!!

So I am now rested and calm has come home to roost again.
How delicious calm is...beautiful and wonderful and reassuring.
Calm that means that we have worked through whatever we had to at that moment, calm that reminds me of what it can be like, and that reassures me all can be well.

This moment is easy to live in, easy to absorb.

Living in the moments when life has been so hard is difficult, and I have pondered them lately ~ living and feeling so acutely and so deeply, and hurting and loving so painfully, and seeming to be so helpless and ineffectual.
How do we, can we, live fully in those moments too, knowing that in time they will pass? Knowing we will look back, and that every moment of living is precious and that in some way we should be appreciating them because we are not merely existing, and yet they are, or now I look back, have been, some of the hardest moments. Lower than I thought I could go, and far more scared.
The more we love, the more we have to lose I guess.

Do I really want to be wiser if it means experiencing pain and hurt? We don't always get a choice...so I guess it's best to just take what it offers in return regardless. I don't want to miss out on the good bits, on the adventure, and yet truly honestly have wished I didn't have to live through the rough bits at times.

I'm not 100% sure why or how, but calm is here, if even fleetingly, and now I'm soaking it up, digging the garden and planting veggies and salady stuff, appreciating it's prescence nurturing my soul. It feels good.

Inbetween we have revived the hamster who for some reason had become very dehydrated and was obviously very sick but is now a happy fluffball again, and a very wonderful friend brought me my belated Christmas present... I do love it when Christmas comes all year round! :)


Thank you too for your beautiful comments, there is a community here that is hard to explain or understand, it is appreciated, thank you,
xoxo

ps, Walker... I have not forgotten your request...but those beaches will have to wait for now! ;) x

Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans
(John Lennon)

Sorry, there are no words and no pictures...
I'm sure I'll be back but right now can't do it all...

every time I think I can breathe again something comes along to stop me.
This is not fun..
but equally there is always a way, and, if there is, then it will be found,

aurevoir for now,
till next time anyhow.

Be good, and, if you can't be good...

well

use your imaginations and have fun ;)

xx

4o days

40 days, 40 people, 40 experiences.
One glass box.

In the forty days running up to Easter forty artists and members of the public will spend a day each in a glass fronted exhibition space with nothing but water, Shakespeare and the Bible as sustenance.

Interesting...
you can watch live too on the web cam

and thanks to mmp, muddled market place on my sidebar, for the link :)

You can never hold back Spring

You can never hold back spring
You can be sure that I will never
Stop believing
The blushing rose will climb
Spring ahead or fall behind
Winter dreams the same dream
Every time

You can never hold back spring
Even though you've lost your way
The world keeps dreaming of spring

So close your eyes
Open you heart
To one who's dreaming of you
You can never hold back spring
Baby

Remember everything that spring
Can bring
You can never hold back spring
(Tom Waits)

It's a beautiful day outside and it made me think of this, just seemed apt today.

Our dreams keep us going, our beliefs, our desires, our search

The seasons promise so much.

New beginnings, hope and possibility.

There are new chapters yet to unfold, with old characters and new.

It’s beautiful, it’s scary, it’s wondrous, unpredictable, unknown, mystical and tantalizingly enticing, drawing us in. We glimpse unspoken promises, hints of the multicoloured journey ahead.

When new chapters start they offer all those things and more, however, as a new one starts another one comes to a close, but each cannot stand alone ~ they are interlinked and interdependent on each other, essential to the mystery.

My great grandmother used to say that the longest hour was only 60 minutes long. How true, and how we feel every one of those minutes, especially when the hours stretch into days and the chapter seems never ending. Other chapters race by and are gone.

I’m wondering what these chapters ahead are going to hold, where they will lead. Will they drag or will I find myself on a magical mystery tour. And what of those around me ~ how wonderful it is to peek over someone’s shoulder and see where their story is taking them and to let them into my story too.

the world does indeed dream of spring, you can never hold back spring - our eternal visual hope, whatever lies ahead.

And even when we think we are lost, perhaps we're not.

In time

Given work and energy, time and space, everything settles..
in time :)





Thanks for your comments on the post I took down... all of you.
I have them safe still,

Have a beautiful weekend, x

A whole new take on giving them wings...!!

Wonder, amazement, awe.
Skill, power, freedom, energy, life ~ and such bodies too....;)

yet when I watch or think about it I feel fear in the pit of my stomach... I can see the attraction, but can think of safer ways of getting an adrenaline rush..

Still awesome, just it goes against all my protective instincts and knowledge that we are certainly not indestructable.

I'm not easily scared, I know the best stories are often born out of risks taken and adventures lived, that the safe option is rarely the most exciting, and yet sometimes we miscalculate, and sometimes there is no way back.....

One day perhaps I'll sit, and over a glass or two of wine, hear him relate his tales of high energy, adrenaline pumping, risktaking.

For now I pray for a small voice of reason, and some reinforcements for my nerves.
We're only human, not superheroes...

well, only in our dreams..

Spring

Hedge stalls are commonplace here with a jam jar or such like to leave money in.
A legacy of the past we manage to still hang onto somehow.
I smiled when I saw this one a few days ago. Something about it's simplicity reminded me of stalls I put out as a child.
It doesn't cost much to bring spring in from outside.
A change of rhythm, a splash of colour, a different feel to the place, the smell of spring too.

They are beautiful and spring is on it's way :) honest it is...

"I learned that the world has a soul, and that whoever understands that soul can also understand the language of things.
I learned that many alchemists realized their destinies, and wound up discovering the Soul of the World, the Philosopher's Stone, and the Elixir of Life.
But above all, I learned that these things are all so simple they could be written on the surface of an emerald."

from 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coehlo



I can't help but think that most things in life are simpler than we make them out to be, we just don't always see it.
I have been away, house sitting and animal sitting and have only had brief moments to complete work at the computer..
no internet where I was staying!
(in some ways very liberating but I did miss it too)

However, there was time to reflect...
And time to face a few things that have come to light recently.
Some hard things that need work on, that need my time ~
teen troubles again.
Time, love and effort, commitment
teamwork.

If I'm quiet then that's why.
I haven't felt much like talking lately
sometimes life is scary...
been holding my breath as we start to turn a corner,
but daren't let go just yet...

for some odd reason I want and need to document how I feel.
One day I'll look back at this and remember how hard it was, but we will have come through it, battered and bruised (not literally I should add), but hopefully intact, and maybe wiser, who knows..!

The nicest thing that anyone has said relating to this is that whatever you put in eventually comes out ~
all the love and caring,
all of you that you give,
in the end it shows..

I needed to hear that
and in my heart I know that's true.

Just gotta keep on believing
and keep on loving
and showing it...



Sorry I didn't manage to reply to comments sooner.. they were all appreciated, I will be round soon, but have a very special young persons birthday to celebrate in the mean time :) x