Apologies...

Apologies for any inconvenience - for a couple of reasons I have enabled comment moderation. Hopefully just for the short term.
I value all your comments though, and hope this won't stop you leaving them.
thank you,

RD,x

Diving

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea?

If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities:

he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand,

he must stop breathing,

and he must jump.

Rumi

Fihi ma Fihi - 50

Just haven't been able to get this out of my head lately...

It's melting, it was beautiful while it was here,
but then it gets muddy and dirty, and starts to fade,
the perfection tarnished,
nothing lasts for ever,
days off school,
days off work,
snowy beach walks,
hot beach cafe coffee breaks,
no post, no papers, no planes in or out,
snow filled adventures,
snow men, snowball fights, sledging,
white unblemished beauty, a pure canvas filled with memories, and enjoyed.

And now it retreats, a few traces remain in cold corners,
but life returns to routine.
Signs of spring peer out from the once frozen ground
and soon all this will be but a memory,
how transitory it all is,
how transitory everything is...

Apart from someone is dreaming of snowballs in summer...
found these hiding in the freezer :)




best find somewhere else to keep the vodka cold I guess!

Food for thought

Butterfly dreamer posed these questions on her blog, and I thought they were well worth pondering.

Could you be open to whatever comes next?
I'm trying on this one! Everything has always made some kind of sense in reverse and so I'd like to learn to trust that in time all will be well and accept and be open to whatever comes my way. I know I can and will cope somehow with anything that happens, but open to it...the good, and the not so good..? open perhaps, but not always fully embracing it. Pain is still pain and although I'd love to be able to live without it, I know it is an intrinsic part of life through which we do learn so much... still tough though when that's the next thing sent our way.

What do you think is sexy?
Sexy is a feeling, arousing the senses in various ways.

Is it important to be sexy or to feel sexy?
I think it is important to know the sexy inside of us, important to feel good and indulge that - we all desire and yearn to be desired, it's affirming and to shut it down, or lose it for whatever reason is to cut off a huge part of ourselves.
Is it really that easy to define or explain?
I don't think so, but it glows when it's there, it oozes and seeps out, sexy can't be contained.

Can you allow yourself to be different, or to color outside the lines?
Surely colouring outside the lines is the only way to be ~ we can only be who we are, unique and individual, and that can't conform to any one pattern. We are all colouring outside the lines without knowing it. I think it is our greatest gift, our individuality, our own colour(s)

What did you dream as a child , and what are your dreams now? Are you living your dreams? If not , why?
As a child I dreamt of being wild and free, I was mainly alone and always saw the future through those eyes. I never dreamt I would ever find love, or have children, and so in lots of ways I am living more than my wildest dreams and yet some are still to be lived.
Those childhood dreams of work, or at least helping in far off places I still think will happen one day, but not to my timetable ~ life has never worked according to my timetable, so I don't plan any more, but instead look for opportunities to arise.

Do you believe all life is sacred and beautiful?
:) I do, although I'm not so keen on insect life! I strongly believe to take anothers life is wrong - this is a big question though!

Don't all people deserve clean water,food,medicine and shelter? Why do you think the world hasn't achieved this yet?
All people do deserve all those things ~ I wish I knew why. I wonder if it is tied in with not valuing others as much as we value ourselves. Man is greedy and selfish.

Do you think there is good and bad in each of us, and is anything really black and white or just shades of gray? Is it important to acknowledge this part of ourselves?
I think there is good and bad in each of us - there is a dark side to every one. I think we fail ourselves if we try to pretend it doesn't exist. It can be deliciously tempting, but it can also be very dangerous. Mainly I guess we swing somewhere between the two extremes, but knowing there are sides of us we wouldn't perhaps choose to go means we can avoid them.

What do you believe in ? Yourself , God , reincarnation , other people?
I believe in a God who loves and is kind and forgiving and who is there even when there is noone else there...when there is nothing else. And sometimes I believe he/she is there in the people I meet who guide me and help me, those who turn up with just the right word(s) at the right time...angels in human form sent to look after us.

though it has at times seemed so incredibly lonely and then I might question this!


What inspires you?
Humans, love, nature.
What inspires you to create ?
Other people feeling, creating, emotions, humans, love, nature...
words, poetry, music, art.

Who are your heros , your mentors? Why?
For some reason I have always disliked this question ~ they are all people close to me who have taught me wonderful life lessons, ordinary folk who live(d) ordinary lives full of trials that we all could come across. Mainly people who have shown great resilience, love and kindness and believed in themselves and others and not been afraid to show it.

What makes you think ? Really think. What are your unanswered questions?
How is it that men can be so cruel to one another, why it is so hard for people to care and love one another, how come people survive the most incredible pain and trauma? life, love, the universe...eternity, infinity, wonder, beauty...


Do you judge others that look a little different from you? Do you assume you know what she is like? Could you be friends with her?
No, I hate to be judged and I don't like to judge, I know I will only get to know what someone is like by engaging with them and talking and sharing and spending time with them and of course I could be friends, it's not about looks.

Is love the most important thing there is? If so, only romantic love or any love?
I do think love is important, as a basis for all our actions towards one another.

Romantic love is different I think..

Do you think other generations had more fun or had it better than this one, and if so why?
I think every generation has it's own fun, nostalgia is rose tinted at times (for some perhaps), but we live at the time we do and we make our own fun

What gives you your bliss? Can you define it ?
All kinds of things.. holding my children, inhaling their scent, being outdoors, by the sea, exercising and feeling my body working, nature, shared experiences with friends, feeling accepted, loved, log fires, human touch, losing myself in a moment, peaceful escape, solitude, anything that caresses the senses and makes me feel alive.

Great questions, I enjoyed thinking about them and still am, thank you :)

Snow!!

It happens so rarely here, even though it was gone midnight, I just had to don boots and warm clothes to take photos just in case it had gone by morning!!
the children will be so excited when they wake up....
the cat didn't know what to make of it at all...now to bed and snow fun tomorrow, just hope the schools are closed :)

Tea break...?

It's better than any hospital programme on tv, or even one of those fly on the wall camera action things...

real life as viewed by a paramedic working on the front lines in a busy city...
a talented writer and photographer who is also set for a big adventure very soon...his place on it secured in part by his blog!!

Too many great posts to link just one - Kal at traumaqueen..

made me laugh today, thanks Kal, x

Slow dance

I used to think that teenage/parent arguments would be for someone else...
now I know that's not true,
this struggle for independence and autonomy brings with it many challenges
and to not give a damn would be to fail them...
the easier option perhaps is not always the right one.
Ever beautiful, gorgeous and much loved, but hard work, and frustrating
arguments brew and escalate far too easily, are far too common
the ideals of early childhood shatter as we try to not let it be a battle of wills, but find a way round or through...
all made up, peace restored, and childlike in sleep
I never want to miss them growing, developing, being, becoming

and tomorrow is a new day...

I was sent this tonight and I know each day is so precious
Again my heart goes out to those grieving in Gaza, to those who are hurting, those who won't get to see their children again this side of heaven.....or members of their family, adult or child...
I can't imagine a greater pain than that.


This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.


SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift..

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over

We can do no great things - only small things with great love

Hit the floor running today... seems like that's the pattern for the foreseeable weeks.
However, I was granted a reprieve when two appointments had to be rescheduled, giving me time to stop and 'be' alone for a moment.

I have been thinking a lot about love and God, and love again...
wondering, if truth be told, about humanity and compassion and just caring for one another, especially in the light of all that is happening in the world, as well as various other things.
Which is how I came to be reminded of the quote above by Mother Teresa.

There is also an Irish proverb that says "It is in the shelter of each other that the people live" ~ I like that. We do.
We are all connected, and we all need the shelter of one another...
what would it be like if people remembered that when they gained positions of authority and can influence what happens in the world? Perhaps I'm being naive and foolish even hoping something so simple could change anything, but I wonder perhaps if it could just spread and make a difference.

I also picked up a book I hadn't dipped into for a while, only to come across this traditional story retold...

called ~ "God in Hiding"

A legend tells how, at the beginning of time, God resolved to hide himself within his own creation.
As God was wondering how best to do this, the angels gathered round him.
'I want to hide myself in my creation,' he told them. 'I need to find a place that is not too easily discovered, for it is in their search for me that my creatures will grow in spirit and understanding.
'Why don't you hide yourself deep in their earth?' the first angel suggested.
God pondered for a while, then replied, 'No. It will not be long before they learn how to mine the earth and discover all the treasures that it contains. They will discover me too quickly, and they will not have had enough time to do their growing.'
'Why don't you hide yourself on their moon?' a second angel suggested.
God thought about this idea for a while, and then replied, 'No. It will take a little longer, but before long they will learn how to fly through space. They will arrive on the moon and explore it's secrets, and they will discover me too soon, before they have had enough time to do heir growing.'
The angels were at a loss to know what hiding places to suggest. There was a long silence.
'I know,' piped up one angel, finally. 'Why don't you hide yourself within their own hearts? They will never think of looking there!'
'That's it!' said God, delighted to have found the perfect hiding place. And so it is that God hides secretly deep within the heart of every one of God's creatures, until that creature has grown enough in spirit and in understanding to risk the great journey into the secret core of it's own being. And there, the creature discovers it's creator, and is rejoined to God for all eternity.
(from 'one hundred Wisdom Stories from around the world' by Margaret Silf)

God and love hidden deep in the core of each one of us?

Perhaps we see it more easily in others than we do in ourselves at times.

Perhaps that's what we see in each other,
that which we recognise reflected in someone elses eyes,
and why we hurt and feel,
and why we should look after one another more than we do,
and really truly look after ourselves more than we do too....

just pondering....

Just had to post this...

they need our help.

I can't believe the BBC blocked an appeal for emergency aid to Gaza...
Good on Tony Benn for speaking out





The Disasters Emergency Committee launched their appeal a couple of days ago and they have ways to help and how to donate on their web site

Feeling good :)

The future needs a big kiss
Winds blows with a twist
Never seen a moon like this
Can you see it too?

Night is falling everywhere
Rockets at the fun fair
Satan loves a bomb scare
But he won’t scare you

Hey, sexy boots
Get on your boots, yeah

You free me from the dark dream
Candy floss ice cream
All our kids are screaming
But the ghosts aren’t real

Here’s where we gotta be
Love and community
Laughter is eternity
If joy is real

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

That’s someone’s stuff they’re blowing up
We’re into growing up
Women of the future
Hold the big revelations

I got a submarine
You got gasoline
I don’t want to talk about wars between nations

Not right now

Hey sexy boots…
Get on your boots, yeah
Not right now
Bossy boots

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

Hey sexy boots
I don’t want to talk about the wars between the nations
Sexy boots, yeah

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, now
God, I’m going down
I don’t wanna drown now
Meet me in the sound

Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Let me in the sound, sound
Meet me in the sound

Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Get on your boots
Yeah hey hey

U2 - Get On Your Boots

Am loving this song right now
and we all have one.. a sexy side that is ~

Sultry and mysterious...
feeling good from the inside out
looked after,
pampered,
clothed in materials chosen to feel good next to naked skin ~
soft and silky,
smooth,
velvet or lace.

Painted, cared for nails,
the intoxicating scent of a favourite perfume,
senses alerted,
make up applied,
not too much, yet just enough,
check in the mirror,
eyes shine out, feeling good...


Now, a choice...

do I put on my sexy boots and head out...

or instead, like every other day, do I put on my work clothes, my uniform, and leave them all wondering exactly what it is they can't put their finger on that is different today... ? ;)

Now and again

Ribbons on ballet shoes,
Colours on sports kit
new lanes in swimming
prizes in competitions
stickers, and house points

Now and again things come together, if only for a moment.
Inbetween the rest of life there are rays of light
recognition of efforts and achievements
some smaller than others, but all significant
things that make the heart swell and beat faster and lighter than before,
that bring a smile to eyes and lips, even tired and weary ones,
warmth in the cold, to send winter blues packing.

We all need to be recognised, all need to be valued for what we do
for our efforts
to know we have done something,
that we have succeeded
and that we are significant
in some way, somehow,
to someone

these achievements ~
and the physical rewards,

they may belong to someone else,
someone I love,
but they all make me smile,
make me glow,
a little warmer than before

and it's a glow that can be both felt,

and seen.

The imagination of the young.
Encouraged by his mates who were going to follow suit - 'do you think we could?' 'Of course we can...' 'lets try...' 'I dare you...'
A stunt gone wrong,
a miscalculated risk
his timing was out ~ the gap was too wide, below him a pile of granite,
and very fortunately, to my immense relief although I can't work out how, the only damage was to the glass.

I wonder realistically when brains develop the capacity for calculated risk.
It would appear to be a skill that requires some fine tuning and perhaps a little luck along the way and left me thinking about judging things, choices and reactions.

Filled with many emotions (anger, relief, incredulous disbelief, frustration), I opted for the calm approach, pointing out how dangerous it actually was, and what could so easily have happened, and how devastated I wold be if anything ever happened to any of them, which was all true, and on balance I think perhaps better than my other instinctive reaction.
It seemed to have the desired effect...apologetic, strangely quiet and calm and big hugs from all of them, until next time that is, I guess!!

They are all wonderful and lovable but it's like they have suddenly just grown, sprouted longer legs, lost coordination they once had and their brains haven't quite caught up with any part of them. They believe they can and yet it just doesn't quite all come together when they ask it to. Plus they aren't on 'receive' mode at the moment and so tuning in to relay information is incredibly hard.

Now boarded up and waiting for glass to be cut on Monday.


I had planned a weekend of self medicating relaxation, catching up with myself and bits and pieces that needed doing around the place. This disease seems to have brought with it an increased susceptibility to opportunistic infection which I can only attribute to a physical manifestation of stress...
As much as I try to ignore it, and wish it wasn't so, I am kind of forced to accept it as a reality and will have to work around it and accept that sometimes I will need to give into it - am annoyed with myself that I am back on antibiotics but perhaps it is a lesson learned too.

The weekend, much needed, has flown past - I can hardly believe it's back to work and school tomorrow... sleep and exercise and a promise to myself to listen to what my body is telling me....

A most wonderful blessing.

In the end what matters most is
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go.

I'm not sure who to accredit that to but I read it first on Jayne's blog
and it struck me as very wise...

It was the letting go that I got really caught up on though...
never the easiest thing to do, no matter how many times you have had to do it,
all the losses, little and big
all the moving forwards
all the brave faces, and all the tears behind closed doors.
all the new beginnings, tinged with sadness at what has been left behind to be where we are now.

But also that ~
The past is also my present, from which there is no escape, and I am working on it because it is also part of my future.

Some things hang round like bad smells you can't get rid of.
Where is that odour neutralising spray for life when we need it?
Surely we could all be cheerful like they are in the adverts, sniffing our carpets and furnishings, or something like that if only we could find it, content in our freshly spruced up surroundings with the odd spray here and there?


Some things we leave behind
other things leave us behind
and sometimes the things we'd like to leave behind end up stuck to us like glue we can't shake off...

The Interview game

I saw this on Charli's blog - she had been interviewed and in a moment of impulse I agreed...no, I should say asked, to be interviewed...curious as to what she might ask me.
These are her questions, and my answers.
If anyone wants to play just let me know.

1. If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money were not a consideration, where would you go and what would you do?
I'd work in Africa as a volunteer - have been searching out opportunities to do that for some time now, it was a childhood dream

and if I could have another month I'd include Antarctica and the Northern lights - quite like the explorer side of me, would love to experience the vastness and wildness of it, would love to live there for a while.

2. What are your most compulsive habits?
LOL - I try hard to break anything that looks like becoming compulsive...apart from being incredibly curious, which I positively indulge as I am rarely satisfied with whats on the surface and am compelled to search out more.
However, to answer you more specifically, I love smooth sheets to sleep on - whatever else may happen in an unmade bed, at least the bottom sheet has to be made by the start of bedtime for me to sleep properly ;)


3. Would you rather play a game with someone more or less talented with you? Would it matter who was watching?
I was going to say definitely more talented...have always enjoyed learning, being stretched and developing new skills, but it depends on why we are playing - I love playing games (any) with the children and then it doesn't matter.
I hate being observed...either way.

4. Which of the following restrictions could you best tolerate: leaving the country permanently or never leaving the state in which you currently reside?
A question ~ Could I take my family with me?
If I could, then it would easily be leaving the country permanently... to have to stay here could and sometimes already does, feel like a prison I need to escape from now and again. However, I'd rather be imprisoned with my husband and children than never to be able to see them again.

5. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important that people mourn your death?
Interesting - I have often thought about my death, but not particularly my funeral...
who will be there - my parents, husband and kids?
or maybe just my children?
maybe noone...
I think if we make a difference in peoples lives then we will be missed when we are no longer around. I would love it if people thought of me as I think of those who have made the biggest impact on me, like John who I blogged about, or my son's namesake - his godfather who became ill and died within months while I was pregnant.
I guess I'd like it if my death was mourned.. I'm just not so sure I've earned that yet..


Great questions Charli, thank you :)

now the rules if you want to play....


•Leave me a comment requesting an interview.
•I will e-mail you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
•You then answer the questions on your blog.
•You should also post these rules along with an offer to interview anyone else who e-mails you wanting to be interviewed.
•Anyone who asks to be interviewed should be sent 5 questions to answer on their blog.
•It would be nice if the questions were individualized for each blogger.

Bits 'n' pieces

First off I read a story I loved over at writing in faith which made me think about how we see other people, and how others view us.. not a new idea but one that this social experiment made me think about again and also about what we miss if we are not open to and looking at what is really around us.

Secondly, I haven't been around much ~ yesterday was the year anniversary of the death of someone who I thought of as my second Dad..not family as such, but as good as, and a wonderful person. It was so lovely that after I called and had spoken with R, one of his daughters, I then heard her calling out that it was Katie B on the phone. It is rare that I am called, and happy to be called, by my maiden name any more, but there always had to be a differentiation between the two Kates in the family and it took me straight back to happy times with my 'brothers and sisters' getting up to way too much mischief, especially as, for many years, I was the youngest.

It is both beautiful and painful how some people leave permanent marks on your hearts and souls.
We love and we hurt and we laugh and we cry, smiling through the tears, and we do it all at the same time, and we hug each other because we are still here and we miss them and we can't bring them back and it just doesn't seem fair...
and we pick ourselves up and we carry on with them in our hearts every day, not far away and yet far too far away.
Changed by knowing them, yet I'm not sure how comforting that really is....


So, there was that..

and there has been time trying to get my head around what is going on in Gaza...reading and listening, inbetween children and mealtimes and lessons and work ~ quiet time when there is nothing else that demands attention, to be able to concentrate and absorb, is hard to come by!

and a stack of work to get through and prepare, a daughter revising for exams and taking them seriously....and other adolescent issues, growing pains I guess, both physical and otherwise to attend to.

and the minor, yet drastic (for me that is) discovery that my work trousers fit rather better than they should if they are to remain decent, which has meant I have had to seriously up the exercise and cut out some of the things I love because there is no way I am buying new ones.

Which means life, as ever, has been and is, a mix of big and small things, all significant, all changing how I have been feeling and thinking, and has left little time or, if I'm honest, mental space, for catching up with friends anywhere, or blogging or replying to e mails....sometimes life just takes over for a while...

It's cold, breath catchingly cold, and winter is certainly making it's presence felt.

I find it is so easy to get drawn into it's dull grey gloom, and to absorb dismal days, letting them infiltrate how I feel and think.
There is much to sweep up and clear outside and it is too early to deadhead.
It is so tempting to just blitz it, to make it look good, and yet I know I must wait until the last frost has been and gone...
or that's what I was taught as I was growing up if you don't want to damage the new shoots waiting.

Patience

Inbetween and hidden under bushes some bulbs are sprouting, getting ready for spring.

Things happen at their own pace, there is no rushing and if we try and rush it we end up destroying something in the process.
An analogy for life? It feels like it, and something I need to keep in mind too...
To live and appreciate living, whilst waiting for the next certain surprise to come along. Because if we wait, it will arrive sooner or later, and so often when we least expect it.

All the family went back to work and school yesterday, and suddenly, where there was chaos, now there is order, of sorts anyhow, there is structure and lists are being worked through.

A meeting with someone I will be working with later this month made me realise just how much easier it is when you have someone next to you saying we can, and we will, when you can work together, supporting one another.
Although I am quite comfortable working alone, it is a welcome input and experience to share and develop ideas and exchange stories over coffee, and confirms to me that there should definitely be more to work than merely working!

My aim right now is to keep looking for, and focused on what is good and kind and beautiful in each day whilst hoping there really are some delicious surprises ahead....

Words fail

Words fail
when I watch and listen to the reports about Gaza,
feelings of disbelief,
anger,
sadness,
helplessness,
frustration,
outrage....

please God let it stop...
let there be a way through

Revelatory shower moments...

Revelatory moments are few and far between it seems
a fleeting moment of inspiration, filling a gap
a longed for missing piece of a jigsaw
yet they happen now and again.
Revealed this morning,
of all places, in the shower, amidst shampoo and soap

a new perspective on 'why?'

years spent asking 'why?'
what it is that motivates a certain type of behaviour?

And now it occurs to me following this, that I'm not so sure that knowing why actually helps with what to do about it...
(even if it's not knowing as such, and merely another perspective)

just maybe, why? isn't always the most important question...

It's begun

Perhaps it's not the best start to a party to turn up and admit to your friends that you really didn't feel like going...but then to be greeted with equal honesty from them meant we were united in our lack of enthusiasm, and it set the tone for the evening - no pretences whatsoever.
In fact this was exactly why I had said yes in the first place. They are the one place I can be honest with how I am feeling and who I am, or at least one of the places I can be.
A safe place to dwell.
In the end it was a really good, fun evening.

And so the year began, a late one at the rugby club and then onwards to our friends house where we stayed up, until dawn had well and truly broken.
One by one people took themselves off to sleep, leaving a small group behind relaxing and being together...

We hadn't started out wanting a party, but in some ways I needed to be there.

I couldn't sleep even though I wanted to, and for quite some time I lay on the sofa, watching as the others played karaoke on the playstation...and contemplated all kinds of things...it is good to take a step outside your world now and again - to be a part of it and yet disengaged at the same time.

As it turned out there were moments of sharing very personal stories which have left me thinking and once again realising how little I really know about life or anything that goes on in it...and humbled by others stories and experiences and honesty in telling them to me.
And we try to figure out the way forward together.

It's been a very low key day, gathering ourselves for the new year that has already begun.
Not so much making resolutions, which I do very badly, but looking ahead, as a friend put it so well on facebook, to embrace the new surprises, wonders, failings and learnings that lie ahead.