Lads indeed mmp! And under there, I guess it is a boy thing!!

No bones broken but one brand new bike seriously damaged - three days after we bought it...
As I search for ways of protecting my son I know I have to let go too...

I didn't shout or get cross... his face and demeanor said it all.... and so we came away from the shop with some sound advice from a well respected island cyclist on jumping and speed downhill racing!!!!! Oh and some good knee/shin and elbow protection that is up to the job...I may well need a local reliable valium supplier before too long instead of just the offlicence!

No, as the guy said, you can't wrap them up in cotton wool for ever, they do have to go, but I don't seem to see anyone else outwardly struggling with it...

When he was smaller I thought it was going to last forever ~

him deing dependent and needing me, wanting me...looking to me for help and advice and guidance..
now I think it's only the love that lasts forever.

Is this the eternal struggle being a parent? The letting go....? I know I've said it before.. and will do again!
Watching them grow and become....amazing people, even if they seem to have no sense at all....

who else would consider swimming in the sea on a day when we had the hardest frost of the year so far...?

But then again, we did have the first barbeque of the year... wrapped in fleeces but it was wonderful...

Gotta love the madness that lads bring to a home...

yes, they rock in ways only lads can...!

I wouldn't change it, but I do want to keep hold of each moment for ever...

Wonderful craziness...

It's a beautiful if crazy world... Impossible to fathom ~
full of contradictions, and, when you least expect it, people who make suggestions and see possibilities as opposed to obstacles...
who disregard any problems with solutions.

It does feel good, when someone offers a glimmer of hope, of light and possibility.... makes me shake my head in disbelief and amazement.

Perhaps it's only as I get older I wonder more about how life pans out, and although trust is hard to come by, I know I should believe in it more than I do.
even if we only give each other a glimmer of hope, it can lift us enough to see for ourselves, that which perhaps has only been previously visible to others...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And talking of crazy ~ the scene that met me when I returned from the gym - my first trip since my painful and swollen joints stopped me ~

my son and friend taking absolutely no notice of the dark!

what exactly can be dangerous about riding bikes through/over obstacles in the pitch black??????

No wonder I sent out for more wine...!!

It snowed today :) for all of ten minutes we got excited and ran out to play...

then the sun came out and that was it... excitement of the year all gone....

those white bits are snow... honest they are...

I then spent the rest of the day working out how to transfer photos from my phone to the computer once I realised I couldn't transfer them to the mac...! how disappointing is that...? Eventually it worked... even if the photo itself isn't great... I can work on that - perhaps by the end of the contract I'll actually decide I like this phone.. for now I'm merely trying to understand it's basic functions as the instructions are sparce...

snow here is exceedingly rare... it makes it all the more memorable.
I remember building a snowman when I was small ~ we have photos, the most amazing party when we all had to sleep over when I was 17... it was good - and is still talked about today..., and R sinking in snow when he was only just crawling the first winter we were back here...

it would be so lovely if it snowed and settled overnight... enough for snowballs and snowmen and sledging...

considering people I know are stuck in London and can't get home tonight, that might not be such a daft thought...

Sun and rain

A part of me feels like apologising for the previous post.
Rainbow dreaming should be colourful and fun, but it can't be sunny all the time... and I guess thats what makes rainbows.

Two things have struck me, or I have been reminded of in the past day.

I have never had as much support for anything, ever, as I had for this ~ everyone was behind me encouraging and said how great it would be for me, how I was made for it, or was it made for me?
I was selective who I told until nearer the date, but I would have fitted in exactly - and that was obvious to many ~ a hand and glove kind of thing.
So, with lots of people rooting for me, and especially when it all went so well yesterday morning, there were lots of people to tell when it didn't work out.
Lots of people genuinely disappointed for me, and caring.

However, there is always one.... one who knows best... who is going to try and tell you what you should do, one who instead of just being there and showing empathy, has to feel free to offer unasked for advice, helpful (or unhelpful) suggestions, one who won't listen, won't let you just be....
RD felt like being, and very nearly was, exceedingly rude to said person...!!

The last thing anyone ever needs is advice unless it has been asked for... fortunately it was on the phone, and you can't see nonverbal communication down telephone lines, thank goodness.... ;)
I know it is tempting, I am sure it helped this person feel better about me not getting it...but it didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel worse, even though I am sure it was well intentioned.

The second was that R jnr slept out last night so he wasn't here when the call came in from HR.
I didn't get to see him until after football this afternoon. But when I did, he gave me the biggest, bestest hug in the whole wide world.... he cried a little and he hugged me so tightly - his strong arms holding me in shared disappointment as I reassured him it was all ok.
He is as tall as me - or at least he is with his football boots on - he has grown into a wonderful nearly teenager who feels and cares and shows it. We are learning how to channel those emotions and feelings as hormones and puberty kick in - it is a challenge and he drives me demented half the time, but it is amazing, it is miraculous, and I know I am both blessed and lucky to have a family like this.

With arms wrapped tightly round me it is easier to believe that whatever will be will be... and that we need both the sun and the rain if we are to see the beautiful rainbow colours of life...

Our best shot...

My best shot...
All the hard work, all the anticipation... the interview came and went, it's done.
I gave my best and there is a satisfaction in that. I won't know if it was good enough until hopefully later on today.
I do care, but we can only ever do what we can...
the rest isn't up to me..
This could be a real change in direction, or I could still be on the same path...
will wait and see now,
It's also the start of the holiday for the children here so we're off to have some fun..
Hope friday is good to all of you too, x

and so it happens sometimes...

I didn't get it....
and so I will walk this road for a bit longer...
they had my best, and it was good... I am reassured by that,
but it wasn't meant to be.

We move on..

Blessings of blogging...

Silently, one by one,

in the infinite meadows of heaven,

Blossomed the lovely stars,

the forget-me-nots of angels.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

You just never know where and when you might meet a new friend, when instead of merely brushing close to someone, your paths cross over and somehow interlink. When a passing encounter will turn into a closer friendship... A comment or a smile, eyes meeting, coincidences (although I'm not sure there ever are such things) take you on a new path together, a stranger beomes a companion on our journey.

Friends are true blessings, especially when we might not be blessed with a great deal of family.

It was sheer curiosity that started me blogging. A strange word - and world - I had to find out about...what would drive someone to blog... what was it all about?

But the blogging natives seemed friendly enough...and if you left a comment they might reply... and what is more it seemed you really could get an idea of what someone was like from their blog over a period of time...

Paths crossed and some connections were made.

Regular reading and comments back and forth, and then e mails mean you get to know some part of someone and it's a strange thing but friendships develop.

I have come across some really lovely people since I started this almost experimental pastime and was completely taken aback and lost for words when I went to claim a parcel that I missed being delivered and found it was all the way from America, from Jayne at Journey through grace.

Jayne loves her birds and I have been inspired by her to take more notice of our feathered friends that visit our feeders. I have a beautiful new mug and plate and am also amazed they travelled so l in the mail.

I have been enjoying my many cups of tea in it whilst trying to focus on my portfolio - it is gorgeous , thank you, x

Until now there are only a handful of people I know in real life who know I blog - and it's something I want to keep just for me... (various reasons...)

next month I am travelling over to meet up with Dana in London when she visits.

I'm not sure what I am going to say, how I am going to explain the connection to my parents as to why I am going to London to meet someone I met on the internet... I am so careful with my children and the net...I know the hazards that are out there... I can hear my parents now if I were to tell them the truth...but this is different...these people are lovely, nice people.

It's just how does one explain?

losing time

We're back home.
It was special precious unchartered time ~ to explore, talk, order room service, swim, get dressed up, go out, share pizza and garlic bread, watch tv late, read, write, have long bubble baths, and just hang out together... and still fit in some shopping while we were there.


oh and lose an hour...

we forgot/didn't know the clocks had changed and noone even thought to text us to say....
so we were an hour late all day yesterday and missed the cinema, but hopefully there will be another time, it's just not booked yet! ;)

I seem to be losing time all the time....

I was up late last night because it didn't feel late, and I have a lot of tedious but necessary writing and paper work to do...and the distraction of the internet is all too attractive....

Then I had arranged to meet up with a friend for coffee this morning - we haven't met up for ages, but 4 1/2 hours later we were still chatting and there were things we hadn't caught up with...
I don't know how it happens but time just passed. If we hadn't had children to collect and after school things to arrange I imagine we'd still be nattering away together now.... valuable time we've been promising ourselves for months now.

I know this makes me later still on lots of fronts... and there is a dead line to meet by friday morning.
At some point paper work will have to take priority over people and friends; I also need to shop - the cupboards are bare and the fridge almost empty apart from a bottle of wine and some milk... I was only away for a weekend!!

It's great to be home....lovely to have been away, now I need to shut myself away with the computer and no internet for a few days.
That is exceedingly unlikely to happen - I'll squeeze it in around other things I suppose and we'll muddle through as usual...

I really do quite like being disturbed when I'm working....
shame it's time to steal myself and focus on the road ahead for now...

It was a great weekend... :)

Sunny moments from today.

The sun came out today and made everything brighter.
The sea is a mixture of dark blue and spearmint green... freezing cold but gorgeous to look at.
I stopped outside a building in town where I had a bill to pay, the birds were singing, they sounded happy... I've never heard a bird sound sad..
we have green fields even in town... I like that..
and then on the way home I stopped to watch rabbits playing in a field with a horse in it too.

I smiled and chatted with a complete stranger in the motor tax office... it felt good...it is so slow in there! He was late back to work.. they are soo slow. ( I even went into labour with S in there and they never moved any faster...!)
Today I wasn't on a tight schedule and just talking made such a difference to waiting. He left, we don't even know each others names... it's good when people are sociable and friendly,(especially cute strangers), it lifts an ordinary day into something special...

There is so much that is wrong with life, with the world....
sometimes it's good just to enjoy and be reminded of what is right with it.

and then after school, and I'm not sure how, the teachers won in the staff vs yr 11 students annual football match :-)

Oh and I want my camera back....soon...I miss not having it.

Imagination and reality...

The other evening I watched, and was with my daughter, as she comforted a friend who was struggling after a crisis while her imagination ran riot with the unknown.

Imagination can be a wonderful thing, creative and productive, driving us forwards, a vision of what there is to be, full of possibility and promise ~ that's all on the plus side...

but when it is busy being creative filling in the missing parts of a picture that isn't even yet developed it is quite another scenario.

We know that most of the time our imaginings are worse than the reality... yet without knowing what that reality is, we can't start to cope with whatever it is... our imaginations simply keep on going...
And because noone can foretell the future, noone can help us... which makes it sometimes feel like the blind leading the blind.

It's amazing how far even a little information can go to quietening an overactive, tormented mind, almost however hard the reality of that information might seem. Knowing is easier than not knowing.


I was proud of S the other evening, her empathy was enormous...all encompassing and full of love for her friend, calming and reassuring.



And now, while reality continues to unfold for her friend, our reality is anticipation and imagining our first ever trip away for just the two of us...

a girls trip in celebration of her exam results, but also

just because,

because, it seemed a good idea.....


and because we can.... :)

just my girl and me...

together this weekend...

I can hardly wait.

New visitors

Visitors are always welcome.
I like visitors
I love that S's friends can call at any time and feel safe enough to ask if they can come round and be with us.
Thats what I want our house, our home to be, not solely for us, a place for friends and new friends alike, to feel comfortable and welcome.

I love it when I have a new visitor to my blog too...

Last week under there popped by for the first time and I'm thoroughly enjoying his stories and insights into his life directing a homeless shelter. Thank you for coming by and commenting. His blog is worth a look if you haven't as yet.

We also have a new couple visiting our house. I am not sure if they are planning on staying, or if they are merely in transit elsewhere. Perhaps they are still sussing out the facilities....

Reality

So, we're frail imperfect humans.

We may be beautiful imperfection as Pip says,
we all fail, and others fail us,
and so often our best efforts just don't seem enough....
we stumble and fumble our way through life making do.
we start each day anew,
each day brings with it it's own challenges...
and some days worlds fall apart...

On days when we mess up,
when others fail us too,
and when we need someone to lean on, to help out, to share with,
apart from God or whoever we perceive is there for us,
we really do only have each other...

sometimes we are all someone else has right there, right then,
imperfect, inadequate, but there...

feeling flawed and feeble, but it's the best we can do,
and all we can offer... ourselves


However,
we do have each other,
we have to be enough, and
together, we are enough,


I guess thats what's called
being friends...

Thoughts...

Recent quotes from the children ~ "I don't want to grow up", "I used to think growing up would be fun but now I think it's just scary...", "I worry about granny, I worry about her getting sick and dying..."

The supermarket seems to be the latest place for thoughts and feelings to come out, strangely, and quite specifically, in the alcohol section, although I'm not sure of it's relevance, apart from it is quieter and has a calmer feel to it than the rest of the shop...

I'm pleased my children feel they can say these things to me, feel safe that they can share them with me, sometimes it's not about answers, it is just about sharing and discussing, talking.


In other situations it's just about being kind... I wondered earlier in the week about whether in fact kindness and communication could be the two most important things in management of people... I'm sure those two go a long way together...


Lately I'm finding being patient exceedingly difficult... not just on the job front ~ but generally, and am being forced into waiting by circumstances beyond my control.
It's so hard giving up control and just waiting, putting things to one side and getting on with life whilst waiting to see how it turns out.
Surely we should be living and experiencing and accepting it as it unfolds, instead of waiting, anxiously or otherwise...

Oh and I'm trying not to become too tediously boring in the meantime!

For me keeping faith and trust in all things is an active process, needing constant renewal, and I think that if I were better at it I wouldn't have to try so hard.... in many areas, and then it might come naturally and spontaneously, like breathing, an inherent and integral part of who I am...

Today is Good Friday and as always it makes me feel melancholy... and reflective.


I also wanted to link to a post I read earlier this morning....I need reminders like this to keep me real and focused on what is truly important...it doesn't matter who it is or where it is...turn on the news every day and there are stark reminders of untimely unecessary deaths and suffering...


and apologies for lack of photos for a while - my lovely camera which travels with me everywhere broke yesterday - the battery cover snapped, and is being sent back to be mended but will take at least 6-8 weeks I'm told!


Today is about quiet family time... it feels good just to be off work together and pottering ~ time well spent :)

Quiet...

Sometimes there is nothing to say,
sometimes that is comfortable, other times it's awkward,
often depending on who you're with...
sometimes words get in the way of just being.

Today has been a quiet kind of day with not many words.
I'm tired with a slightly sore throat, so it's easier to be quiet,
church is a good place to be when I'm feeling like this...
like mentally unravelling a ball of wool...

There are at least two challenges awaiting me this week - on Monday and Tuesday.

It's calming,
listening to the wind and the rain,
sorting, tidying, throwing out, getting ready both for the week ahead and to write ~
I have to be in the right frame of mind...

am lucky my family let me be, accept my quiet moments when I am digging deep to find a certain elusive something...

Doesn't mean I won't be visiting and reading though.

Wishing anyone who passes by here a peaceful week, x

Making decisions....

Time is precious and life is short...
How we spend our time and who we spend it with is important...
when someone chooses to spend time with me it is a gift... and likewise when I choose to spend time with someone it is a gift from me...

We all have levels of tolerance, a mark we will let someone get to before we take action...
sometimes we will have communicated this several times, they take notice for a while and then it slips back and they proceed towards it again, trying, it seems, to stretch our limits, our boundaries, our compassion and our forgiveness, our good will and our allowance making, as far as they can possibly be stretched. Never learning from their previous experience... or choosing to ignore it..
So how many times do we let someone push our boundaries before we say 'no more'... and walk away?
When talk seems futile and action is the only option left...
decisive, thought out action, not impulsive spur of the moment, hurt induced and emotive reaction...

I am thinking that this only happens when there are certain expectations...
unconditional relationships are different... there are no expectations...only hopes maybe, but we don't walk away, can't walk away from those....



Two days in a row now I have wanted to pick up my bag and leave work...
I'm not particularly upset as such, I know there is no point in getting really mad, no point in shouting, and in fact there is no point in confronting it...

How we treat people is important...
we need to be able to ask questions in order to grow and develop, and to have those questions listened to and helped to find the answers, we need to value each other, instead of condemning someone because they have less years experience or make us feel insecure because they somehow highlight failings we recognise in ourselves.

I can see what is happening, watching as if on a tv screen...it's predictable, the outcome already written, even if it involves a degree of risk - nothing is certain and I could end up floundering yet again... but for now it has to be acted out...

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled... we have to be true to ourselves...

Some books just ask to be picked up time and time again, dipped into and savoured.
Michael Leunig books do that to me... originally introduced to our family via my sister in law who lives in Melbourne...
So when I spied one sitting on the table as I visited my Mum earlier today I couldn't resist... however, she wasn't about to let it find it's way home with me, and I have had to order my own - our copies of his books have been absorbed into the fabric of the school's Art department -

prayers I liked today...

Prayer for Friends

We give thanks for our friends.
We anger each other.
We fail each other.
We share this sad earth, this tender life, this precious time.
Such richness.
Such wildness.
Together we are blown about.
Together we are dragged along.
All this delight.
All this suffering
All this forgiving life.
We hold it together.
Amen

Michael Leunig

and also....

Prayer of Gratitude

We rejoice and give thanks for earthworms, bees, ladybirds and broody hens;
for humans tending their gardens, talking to animals, cleaning their homes and singing to themselves;
or the rising of the sap, the fragrance of growth, the invention of the wheelbarrow and the existence of the teapot we give thanks.
We celebrate and give thanks.

so many wonderful gems... prayers and magic...

anyone for a cuppa as we get blown about and dragged along?

all the little big moments...

Today I worked, work was good, spent time with people who are relying on those who work in the hospital to help them... in the mix of the day ~ tenderness, tears, sadness, fear, anxiety, no doubt a lot of prayers along the way... gratitude, though I'm not entirely sure why, humans just caring for other humans, hospitals can be daunting scary places...
often I am scared by the lack of information people have been given - they ask me why I need to take blood, why they would need needles jabbed in them every day... I wonder why noone has thought to explain in terms they understand. None of this is normal, it's not something anyone would do for pleasure, and it's invasive....


I have a bug bear about communication, especially in hospital... we should never become complacent about the things we do every day... ever...


and the difference when someone has an explanation? It stops being a problem... nothing fancy, just logical reasoning...

people aren't always that complicated... though we like to think we are.

so much aggression can be turned around through understanding and information and communication...


So work was good, a friendly team today...

then onto phone calls and shopping, collecting S from school and then to dancing - all with plenty of time in hand so not getting stressed by it... a new friend at dancing - connected by things in the past.. it's good - validating for me, and makes me think long after we have left to come home... there are many different ways to say thank you and this is one of the very best... friendship...


R had tea ready when we got home, so we can have family time, night classes have finished so there is no mad rush...


even whatever there is on tv will be fine...


There is a whole heap of paperwork to do, but with a nice glass of red wine we'll work through it...


There is something special about days like today... they don't come along very often. Calm, collected, rewarding, useful, where the lessons learned haven't been too painful. Not everything has been fitted in but there is a perspective that it all can fit in... a reassurance from the universe that for all the mess and emotional upheavals in all of our lives, somehow it will all be ok...
sometimes i imagine the universe speaks...


even amidst the storms outside...

Todays project... a community mosaic made with help from children and adults passing through the market earlier.
We very nearly finished it - just the final tweaking and filling in to do - my tile cutting technique needs working on!

Again I loved the buzz of people getting involved and working together, all kinds of people wanting to join in. Some stayed for most of the day, others came and went, some looked and didn't want to contribute, others wanted to ask questions, but few walked by and didn't look or take notice. Those who stayed chatted as they worked, laughed and had fun, and somehow it was more than just the piece of work, more than just an activity...more than the sum of all it's parts... it has a value all of it's own, and the process was of huge value too....

There were other fair-trade stalls around, I'm not best at selling or persuading, I'm happier doing... and trust the rest will follow if it's meant to.

This was fun... and when this is done, we have - or perhaps more scarily, R has, more ideas...
scarily, because I can never let his ideas pass me by... my partner in crime!

Art in any form draws people to it ~ there was music, some of it fantastic, an atmosphere, people, music, art, activity.

In short, it was a good day...

I never fail to be amazed at the twists and turns that expose themselves as we travel through life...

I'm thinking it's good to be surprised, astounded even, at times...

even, and perhaps more so by those we think we know the best...

A telephone call tonight brought some surprise news - good, but totally surprising - for me anyhow... can't share as yet, I was asked not to, but might come out later on...

no such thing as coincidence or even luck perhaps, but forces are at work that we can't see or touch, but we can feel... we all journey along our own paths, thinking our own thoughts, making decisions and developing ideas, and noone can ever really know whats going on inside anothers head or heart.

So sometimes things can appear to change drastically without us ever realising they were lying dormant, quietly germinating before making themselves apparent...

Am thinking a lot about belief and faith causing a change in behaviour ~ it should, I hope it does....

Just in the same way I have had conversations recently about study only being worthwhile (for me that is), if it feeds practice....

but then no experience is ever wasted - it all brings some value..

truth is it's all one big mystery... and it never fails to surprise...

tonight I'm surprised and clocking some mixed emotions and feelings... just when you think nothing can possibly change, something does....

it truly is a wonder filled life at times...

sorry if this is cryptic... but yes, it's good.... for them it is anyhow.... :)

Busy...

I wish I had time to find the words.. life is busy at the moment - it's nearly 2am and I am copying my completed form and all the relevant paperwork... everyone I have shared this with says it would be brillinat for me.. I think it too, but if it's meant to be it will...



Illness continues to hound us - winter bugs have meant I have been housebound today looking after the birthday boy...

My arthritis reaction has calmed but still needing regular painkillers and anti-inflammatories to keep my hands functioning - still no rings or watches... but am reassured it will sort in time.



I want to get out, want to be doing, I have so much I want to do, need to be getting done, but as usual it's late and I was only blogging until the copying was finished...

we took photos the other day at R's party... just haven't got around to transferring them to the computer - they were karting and had a fantastic time... I just love the boys sense of humour and their zest for life - it was adrenaline rush fun for them in the karts, slight anxiety filled trusting moments for me watching... I was glad of two strong men to shelter behind and keep me safe... not that they could do anything - but it was reassuring anyhow!

It's another early start - hopefully R can return to school tomorrow and I can go to work... before that, sleep...

12.20 am

12.20 am, missing 29 Feb by 20 mins twelve years ago... and at the very last minute, as seems to be standard practice for this family more often than not, R junior arrived...quickly and with relatively little hassle.

In the morning we juggle his birthday with S's entrance exam to senior school, but come midday we should be ready to celebrate.
It has all gone by so incredibly quickly...
I used to be irritated by people who said that, but now I hate to admit they were right - it is true...
savouring the moments has become very important to me...

my gifts from the universe that stretch me beyond all my imagination and give me more than I could dream of...

and of course I haven't got a day older since I had him... stuck forever at 20 something.....
or perhaps someone elses birthday took precedence over mine from then on and it suddenly became irrelevant...

now to grab some sleep before we are woken by excited / nervous children...