A gift

It is so rare, amidst the chaos and bustle of life, I have been granted time to myself.. to do...whatever... whatever I want...

R is at work, the children are at school, I have cleaning and washing and ironing and shopping, oh and then there is gardening and, if I fancied it, decorating to do..and the list goes on and on...

but it seems foolish ( or you could read selfish!) to not use this time, so precious and valuable, so rare, to be still, to please me, to listen to what I want to do... because in a few hours this bubble of tranquility will be shattered when they all come home...

So I have granted myself permission to let myself be - too often we are juggling to fit things in, we make sure all the essentials are done and then there is never time for the extras... today is my day for those extras.. but it still feels like I need permission, a let out clause from the every day chores...

however, with permission granted to myself... I am free to visit a friend, free to browse through the shops and now free to sit and read and catch up with a cup of Earl Grey. Then I have a book I'm wanting to start and some exceedingly nice wine to search out - we borrowed a bottle from my parents yesterday while they are away and I now have a desire to stock up our wine rack and replace their bottle at the same time...

The house is peaceful, it's a gorgeously sunny day, the windows are open and I'm soaking up beautiful music from Sarah Masen "Magic that works" as I type, that arrived a few days ago.

Perhaps it all seems sweeter for the trauma of the past week, I don't know.

A day of grounding, of being still before launching off into life again...

Am thinking that this is what it feels like to stop the world for a while... you wouldn't want it every day, well perhaps just for a while each day... but I do know that I've LOVED every moment of doing and being and choosing exactly how I've spent my precious time today, and I have absolutely no idea when I'll get a chance like this again!

Today brought good news... huge relief but also reeling from the past couple of days and processing where we've been...
bodies change and grow and this was part of it, part of the process...

so we're almost back on the planet again... and steadying ourselves and saying thank you a million times over...

and thank you for your thoughts and prayers...

in other news we also welcome the latest addition to our household...

Houdini the hamster...

the children's present to their Dad for his birthday....nothing quite like buying a present you want yourself for someone else and then sharing it :)

First impressions are that he is a slightly off the wall kind of guy, a bit kamikaze as he flew off the kitchen table at great speed, fortunately landing on the chair - and an expert at escaping - he demolished the carrier box they gave us by the time we arrived home and is very active and busy... with a glint in his eye that spells trouble ahead..

oh and ever so slightly, just a tiny bit, cute...

the adventure starts here...

what a night!

Thanks Jayne for your comment, sorry I had to take the last post down for a need to try and focus on more positive thoughts...

Guess this is just the way life goes....
I was busy typing up a post about R junior's first proper day at school, how well it had gone, how much fun he had had and how he was welcomed by some of the year above as R 'the legend'... I hadn't realised that, although of course we think that highly of him , he had earned such respect, albeit only on the playing field, from his peers and those in the year above him, but I am sure it will make the transition from one school to the next far easier, and for that I am incredibly grateful...
the latin lesson hadn't come to pass thankfully, though we wait for it next week.... the very words amo, amas, amat, or dominus, domine, dominum... bring a certain trepidation with them.....the romans and sextus slaying goodness knows who...
I thought I had escaped the lion's den the first time when I was finally allowed to give it up... now it's time to face it again and I have no reason to suspect that R or S will find it any easier than I did, though admittedly they may...

Most of the day I have spent in distraction mode waiting to find out how the day had been....

and then in the middle of me typing..... the unthinkable........ one of the children reports they have a lump somewhere they shouldn't, we check, it's there... and however hard we try the fear keeps rising...

possibly the worst fear I have ever felt... no, make that certainly...

I have never been so completely and utterly terrified in my life... whilst keeping a calm exterior and being totally logical...

we reassure, we make plans for doctors appointments... with anxiety from the kids because they don't want to ruin their Dad's birthday tomorrow with going to the doctor ( birthday's feature higher on the scale than doctor's appointments in my children's lives..!)
....and I do what I need to... I phone my Dad...

not sure how much sense I make...but I know he's always there...
my Mum is too... but my Dad has the relevant medical knowledge...a blessing and a curse...but that's another story to be written in the history books of our family...

Tonight it is indeed a blessing... the phrase 'rare as hen's teeth' makes an appearance...I sure as hell never want to see any hen's teeth...
but we'll get it checked any way...
words can't take me through tonight really...

am so relieved and yet still so shaken...

it always happens to other people....and then you realise it can happen to you...and it makes me feel so small and scared....

and what is really truly important is right here in front of me...
It's been a tough night...

and tomorrow we will hopefully get the reassurance we need...
not forgetting how good today had been until then...

back to health and back to work...

latest tests confirm that the summer and lots of iron and red wine and good food and some rest have worked their magic and returned the body back to good health...
whoops of joy that the recent surges of energy are not imagined but have their roots in something more physical...
Incredible that such a simple deficiency can make you feel so feeble, and totally wretched, and incompetent at just living, and yet it can be rectified easily by an awareness to detail and a degree of nurturing and caring...

perhaps just caring enough to feed the body, instead of ignoring it's needs and merely relying on it not to give up...


as I face the return to work, so R junior starts at secondary school... am praying his first days are as uneventful as my first day back was today... we try to quell the nerves and anxieties but it's not until we're through it that we know whether they were justified concerns or not...

and so new school shoes are bought and the flip flops are (nearly) put away... signs that lazy days of summer are starting to fade...

So many beautiful words and thoughts, phrases and quotes written in the margins or tucked at the top of blogs I visit regularly that become familiar and are so easy to overlook...
and so many beautiful moments all around, waiting to be lived...


"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out"

I like that...lots...

from Shaz at 'dare to dream'
an inspiration and my newest entry in my sidebar :)

figments of our imagination...

Until I became a parent, I hadn't realised the very fine line between childhood magic and fantasy, and deceit...

Of course there is a F*ther Christm*s...and a t**th fairy...
my husband introduced me to the E*ster b*nny too....!

but once you have made friends with these very real figments of our imagination how do you deal with them....?

There have been times when, as a very tired stand in M*ther Christm*s, I have been very tempted to just leave it up to the real one to sort the presents out...and let me get some decent sleep in the knowledge I will be woken at some unearthly hour anyway... but that seems slightly too risky to be feasible...

and now I am being let down very badly by the t**th fairy for similar reasons...
It would appear that she is seriously shirking her responsibilities and not coming to my rescue as I am now flunking my t**th fairy exams, or more accurately continuous assessment, in spectacular fashion.... good intention doesn't get the job done...neither does sitting watching a film with a very nice bottle of wine and falling into bed without a second thought for the tooth so carefully placed under the pillow...

escape plan A has worked a couple of times in the middle of the night when a distressed child has woken us to say she hasn't been... again... turns out the window has been firmly closed and so obviously she couldn't get in, open the window and by the morning all will be well....

escape plan B is in progress......

how does anyone keep on believing in a fairy who is so bad at her job....?
well this one is fairly sure she has been rumbled... but no one is saying...

she tried not playing for a while, but got told off....
she has considered asking if they still believe but then that would shatter an illusion... and illusion and fantasy and magic are fun.....and it might just leave her exposed as a fraud...
is this a time for confessional moments....
but who says it's just fantasy anyway?

which leaves her sitting nicely in the middle of nowhere.... a guilty fraudster conned by the child in her that can't let go and wants to keep the dream alive.... yet failing miserably ~ it really is quite hard to be a good fairy.... and even harder not to be one at all...

(and whats the betting that some child googles this despite my efforts
- do I need more *'s ?)

*actually looking at the size of those roots in baby teeth, I think the tooth fairy would be pretty mean not to give generously... *

As happens with big days and events, it takes a while for them to sink in, at the time there is so much activity and energy and focus on bringing it all together that it's a buzz.... lived through and experienced, but digested later...

there was a huge amount of excitement from the kids and anticipation, and in the end it's not the float as much as the experience that made the day...

Size was irrelevant... it looked good, and when we had the banner and the kids and they were giving out sweets and stickers, and had decorated t shirts, the inflatable bananas and music accompaniment, we certainly weren't going to be overlooked...

They were proud of their work and rightly so.... involved in every step of the process they claimed it as theirs - which was fantastic... and despite some nerves, they shone....numerous photo opportunities as we went around the arena.. and then onto the night time illuminated parade too...

nerves seemed to have faded by the evening....and together with a carnival like atmosphere they were on a high...

They did in fact win their category and would have won a trophy had it not gone missing, but that didn't seem to matter too much...
A memorable day for all the right reasons...and hopefully remembered by many others, not just by us....

and it never rained... :)

am equally as pleased that the weather has stayed bright for those in my sidebar and others who are away at the greenbelt festival....am certain the weather doesn't make it.... but I'm sure it helps....

small with big ideas...

I know it's never wise to compare yourself to others...
oh we were so proud of our efforts....we've looked after it and put in hours of work...
even got up early so the roads were quiet to take it to the park...

honestly it looked big when there was nothing to compare it to....
now all we can do is laugh at our big ideas, our grand delusions... how foolish...
we have laughed and laughed this morning....

our tiny float sitting next to it's bigger flashier neighbours....

"at least we've got blow up bananas" the children are saying - oh and lots of people to make noise, and sweets... (perhaps bribery helps)... and music... maybe if you make a lot of noise it gives an appearance of being bigger than you really are... we have all the trimmings...

it's fun, it is what it is... there's pure quality under that small exterior.... who says that size is important anyway?...

the small float with big ideas.... waving the flag for fair trade ...

more to follow later...

motivation has been in decline and I think I could quite easily ease into a new comfort zone of relaxation and little work, late nights, late mornings good food and wine and general self indulgence.... thats holidays for you...

the reality of life beyond holidays is all too close...and today I broached both health and work issues...

on top of that we worked solidly on the float, which is now as ready as it can be until it is assembled at the last minute tomorrow.. photos to follow I promise...
and having just finished putting the final flowers on it and arrived home, the heavens opened....

hopefully it will survive it's night wrapped in tarpaulin and if it rains on the parade tomorrow it will be a soggy mess...along with lots of other soggy messes....

in need of rejuvenation and escape I headed down to the beach and the family followed... we walked along the shore,climbed over rocks, looked in rockpools, and paddled at the waters edge.... the sun went down and then reappeared just in time to set..
I loved the reflections and the almost surreal, ethereal feel as we watched the sun go down...

time for bed...

Because...
it's good to focus on other things sometimes... and it's easy, well it is for me anyhow, to get caught up in stuff thats likely going to happen whatever and however, and has had plenty of time spent on it already...
and because when I get caught up in all those things I miss others...




Yesterday S disappeared into the garden - "I'm going to pick flowers" she said....
Next thing we knew there was a huge clatter in the conservatory...
"It's ok - it's only water...I'm clearing it up..." she called through to us
I resisted the urge to go and check - she was calm and controlled - I should be able to let her deal with situations and trust she is old enough not to need me to clear up her mess...

the reward...
a vase full of beautiful flowers I hardly realised were out there...

There is nothing quite as beautiful as a gift from the heart to ground me and make me realise whats important... every time I look at them...

Oh for a child's simplicity...

Sparks, lights and Sundays...

Lazy Sunday mornings....a fading memory of student days long gone when staying in bed reading the Sunday papers or recovering from the night before were just what happened...

When I was little we always went to church - and you know what - it was always fun....
people seemed happy to be there and Jesus was a cool guy who we all wanted to know more about and learn to be more like...
the priest was fun... he even wore Jesus sandals and would come round for cups of tea...and he played rugby....
It felt like a family and I really did look forward to sundays...
one week I stayed over with some friends of ours and went to church with them...it was different but still good fun....
I grew up saying night time prayers and wanting to be a nun ....but then we all emulate those we admire I suppose.

It was as if all the lights were on and I wanted to know more....

Then gradually things changed... the priest changed, I moved school, people became very serious and I was told I had to go to confirmation classes... it became very dictatorial and prescriptive and the lights started to go out.. one by one.... in fact this quiet calm compliant girl really shook the boat when she refused to be confirmed because she didn't know what she was being confirmed into, and whether she wanted to...or WHY she was supposed to believe what she was told she should believe in.... the priest even came out for that one... ;)
oh and somewhere along the line - much earlier on, I had also had a change of heart on the career front...a wise choice in hind sight I think...

however, logic prevailed... I gave in and was confirmed...but the lights stayed very dim for a long time...

In London the church near the tube would sometimes leave it's doors open... and when Mum was ill I would pop in on my way back from work and again, very gradually, the lights started to come on....

Then when we wanted to get married we were told we had to attend more classes.... I was in love..and we wanted to marry, so we had to attend...I put on my very best grin and bear it face and we got through - they thought I really enjoyed it...I was always happy....!

lights are fading again....

There was a virtual eclipse when, after several miscarriages they told me they wouldn't baptise R if he was born prematurely unless we attended yet more classes....

what is it with this national obsession....?

however, as they were being very kind to us they managed to squeeze us in to a full course, although it wasn't really the norm....I didn't smile throughout those classes...
anyhow, R arrived two weeks late... so it turned out to be a lot of fuss for no good reason...

We were spared classes when S was born... though they would have liked us to...

there were more classes for us, not just for R and S for their first communion....

and soon R is going to be asked to attend a two year long course of confirmation classes....

I don't want to inflict my stuff, my issues onto him - perhaps they'll be fun... it just seems nothing changes... when did we lose sight of the cool guy I loved as a child - who helped me through in London, who has sat with an arm round me on many dark nights and reassured me all would be ok somehow......and who I still believe in and want my kids to love too.... when will the church start turning lights on instead of off... leaving doors open instead of keeping them locked unless you pick up the key on your way out of the class with your certificate and badge... one of the elite who has been allowed in...

so I search for ways to turn lights back on....

church doesn't really do it for me though I want it to... really want it to....but gradually there are sparks ignited by people I have met.. and books I have read that I had never heard of before... and certainly even if I had heard of them I doubt I'd have read them... not in the dark anyway...

I have to thank blog land for some of these sparks... gradually I am reading, digesting, rarely feel able to comment - am not qualified to comment or even to have an opinion most of the time...well ok I am qualified to have an opinion - just perhaps not such an informed opinion as I'd like....

so please keep those book recommendations out there and keep writing, making me think more and question, and reconcile some of the wondering with the awe I felt as a child...

the sparks are helping and keeping me going :)

Serendipity and things that make me smile...

The holidays are flying past and on a practical level we need to prepare for the start of term...
Saturdays spell cleaning for us and greeting and being nice hosts and hostesses...
sometimes I hate being nice to order...

last night as I sat sewing name tapes in... a tedious task.... we relaxed watching 'Maid in Manhattan' a feel good film borrowed from a friend....... we rarely get to watch any films together... in fact have seen very few movies... tonight we have 'Serendipity' - recommended by Jayne. In fact it's been one of the things I have enjoyed this break - watching dvd's we haven't seen before... 'Little Miss Sunshine' was a real treat to see in Herm when it rained...


However, serendipity is on hold for the rugby....
do I mind the boys ask?

Considerate I think, but they know my heart beats ever so slightly faster when my Jonny is playing... and he doesn't disappoint...I admire him for many reasons - but the sheer testosterone oozing from the screen is addictive too...and he makes it all the more interesting to learn more about the game...
a great athlete with fantastic legs... and he hardly ever misses...
ok, I'm easily pleased but he will bring a smile to my face and lust is allowed when it's the gorgeous Mr Wilkinson...shame about the result though...

there are more name tapes to sew.. and other things left to do... can't believe how fast this holiday is going... and am only just getting into it...



oh and a couple of things that made me smile today - in preparation for the start of term I picked up the latest night class brochure - I'd seriously miss my silversmithing class if I couldn't do it...
seems like every other person we know is teaching this year... a sign of the times - it's expensive just to live here....
but honestly.... who thinks up the titles of some of the classes....?

'art for the terrified'.. repeat course ( I'm guessing because it didn't work the first time round... they are still terrified? )
and 'living with hearing loss - repeat course'... had us giggling... however juvenile that is...!

Finally got to watch Serendipity...a beautiful film about love and fate and destiny...thanks Jayne, x

A heart came though my door...

a heart to hold, to treasure, to remember..

A heart that says I care, I am thinking..

A heart to tuck away in a pocket ...

or in my bag to bring a smile when I spy it sitting there...

A heart to remind me that someone has thought...

thought I am special ...

it's smooth and cool...

and is beautifully tactile...

I love this heart... and I love more the thought behind it, thanks Caroline, x

Preparation, preparation, preparation...

Tired eyes tonight, and aching muscles....
we couldn't live for too long without a schedule or plan of sorts...
So, we decided to devote at least part of today to the process of construction of the float.... it's not big, but it is requiring an inordinate amount of preparation to provide the support for the actual 'display' to be mounted on.... it all needed bolting, screwing or fixing in some way to each other, and as it's generally safer and easier to use power tools and saws when there is just us around, we spent more time than originally intended there ... time well spent, yet so little to see for our efforts - time to start to make it look pretty tomorrow when the other children are around.. oh and the television are coming down too....

I know preparation is always the key... but it is soooo tedious.... maybe not helped by the filling and sanding going on in S's room at home too...

lots of half finished, well prepared jobs...

and just started back again and nowhere near being finished on my latest antedote to excess indulgence over the holidays... my return to the gym....

a warning...
beware new shiny machines that look deceptively like an ordinary cross trainer and promise perfect glutes and quads...
the people who design them must have serious sadistic tendencies... I've not worked as hard for a long time - enjoyable wasn't a term that came to mind as I sweated my way through todays workout... however, I have a feeling it may be quite effective if used over a period of time.... and maybe one gets used to the pain... not a conclusion I want to jump to without due consideration...

then, just about enough time to get to the cinema to watch Hairspray with the girls... S's friends and a couple of mine... only a few days since we were there with our visitors watching the Simpsons...
thoroughly enjoyed both for different reasons... makes me realise though that the only films we ever get to see these days are children's films...

It's not really surprising I'm stiff and aching .... something concrete for all our work would be nice to see, but until then, sleep is in order...

Summer treasures...

as an aside from the other aspects of life.... escape to blue skies, dreamy days, no schedule to keep to, warm sun on bare skin, even the start of a tan...it seems like summer has finally arrived...

and grabbing every moment just because noone can tell how long it's going to last...

the mind takes time to catch up with the reality of freedom..

Can't remember when we were last able to give in and relax during the summer...

good things rubbed off from friends visiting - more like family than friends... a bit like I imagine an older brother would be like.... someone to look out for you, to care and have fun with...

now we are back to the four of us with four long weeks of summer holidays stretching ahead of us... it's almost like being a child again when time was irrelevant and the sole purpose of holidays was pleasure...

a delicious perk of taking a break from work....

It's 3.30am

Can't sleep....

Take three happy children, then throw in one extra who is nice to one, and not nice to the other two.... add in lack of life experience and insecurities, bitchy comments and snide remarks, purposeful ignoring and leave to brew for several months....

Each child in a no win situation, none of them truly happy but unable to see a way through.

It's all been stirred into a murky mess...

As parents it's easy to see where it's all gone astray but less easy to help sort out......
previous strong friendships are suffering between the children .... I am so frustrated by it all.... and saddened... such unnecessary trauma, manipulation and disruption....
tears at bedtime and during the day too...

life lessons age 9.....

somehow I have to make this stop ...

It's a whirl wind of activity here now the boys have landed.... we /they have slipped and slid , climbed trees, drilled, hammered and bolted the now very pimped gokart back together, helped with sawing and measuring for the float, run up and down hills, played for hours in the sea, eaten more food than I have ever had in the cupboards, stayed up incredibly late, erected the tent in the garden to sleep in and then still been up at the crack of dawn...

However, excess sun and grass burn may just have stopped play for the moment.... it's hard to tell the difference.... but a lot of fun was had in the process... it's just the adults who can't keep up!

If walls could talk...

We are creating more space in our home...

last year we took back one of our chalets into our living space to use for us, but so far we have only really used one room, a bedroom, which is now our study.
It has taken some time but finally we can get on with making the rest of it our own.

We chose our new paint colours before our holiday and with the beds gone and a few minor plumbing and electrical adjustments we will have somewhere the kids can go and be, relax, chill and have room to themselves. R gets a studio to paint in... and I get the kitchen and shower room at a guess... It's exciting...the changes that is...not the kitchen and shower room....

Earlier tonight though, as I sat in the now semi empty space which was the living room, I couldn't help thinking of what that space has been to so many people over the past ten years since we have lived here and even before then -
a holiday home specifically requested year after year,
a stop gap between homes,
the start of married life,
a trial run before comitting to a relationship...
it's seen single parents with young children and young families with nowhere else to go.
Most recently it was a refuge for friends of ours.

I often wonder the stories different places would tell if only they could ~
so many individuals have lived here...
so many dreams dreamed and experiences lived
feelings etched into peoples memories..

A part of me is sad we're changing it.... space is valuable...
tomorrow it will become space for guests of ours and then, after their stay, it will be ready for it's transformation and take on a whole new meaning for our family...

Solitude...

or solitude remembered...

special moments of tranquility and moments where time slows enough to make sense of the previously incoherent, or to allow for a moment of revelation to appear from out of nowhere - the kind that catches you unawares...

A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...