Serendipity and things that make me smile...

The holidays are flying past and on a practical level we need to prepare for the start of term...
Saturdays spell cleaning for us and greeting and being nice hosts and hostesses...
sometimes I hate being nice to order...

last night as I sat sewing name tapes in... a tedious task.... we relaxed watching 'Maid in Manhattan' a feel good film borrowed from a friend....... we rarely get to watch any films together... in fact have seen very few movies... tonight we have 'Serendipity' - recommended by Jayne. In fact it's been one of the things I have enjoyed this break - watching dvd's we haven't seen before... 'Little Miss Sunshine' was a real treat to see in Herm when it rained...


However, serendipity is on hold for the rugby....
do I mind the boys ask?

Considerate I think, but they know my heart beats ever so slightly faster when my Jonny is playing... and he doesn't disappoint...I admire him for many reasons - but the sheer testosterone oozing from the screen is addictive too...and he makes it all the more interesting to learn more about the game...
a great athlete with fantastic legs... and he hardly ever misses...
ok, I'm easily pleased but he will bring a smile to my face and lust is allowed when it's the gorgeous Mr Wilkinson...shame about the result though...

there are more name tapes to sew.. and other things left to do... can't believe how fast this holiday is going... and am only just getting into it...



oh and a couple of things that made me smile today - in preparation for the start of term I picked up the latest night class brochure - I'd seriously miss my silversmithing class if I couldn't do it...
seems like every other person we know is teaching this year... a sign of the times - it's expensive just to live here....
but honestly.... who thinks up the titles of some of the classes....?

'art for the terrified'.. repeat course ( I'm guessing because it didn't work the first time round... they are still terrified? )
and 'living with hearing loss - repeat course'... had us giggling... however juvenile that is...!

Finally got to watch Serendipity...a beautiful film about love and fate and destiny...thanks Jayne, x

A heart came though my door...

a heart to hold, to treasure, to remember..

A heart that says I care, I am thinking..

A heart to tuck away in a pocket ...

or in my bag to bring a smile when I spy it sitting there...

A heart to remind me that someone has thought...

thought I am special ...

it's smooth and cool...

and is beautifully tactile...

I love this heart... and I love more the thought behind it, thanks Caroline, x

Preparation, preparation, preparation...

Tired eyes tonight, and aching muscles....
we couldn't live for too long without a schedule or plan of sorts...
So, we decided to devote at least part of today to the process of construction of the float.... it's not big, but it is requiring an inordinate amount of preparation to provide the support for the actual 'display' to be mounted on.... it all needed bolting, screwing or fixing in some way to each other, and as it's generally safer and easier to use power tools and saws when there is just us around, we spent more time than originally intended there ... time well spent, yet so little to see for our efforts - time to start to make it look pretty tomorrow when the other children are around.. oh and the television are coming down too....

I know preparation is always the key... but it is soooo tedious.... maybe not helped by the filling and sanding going on in S's room at home too...

lots of half finished, well prepared jobs...

and just started back again and nowhere near being finished on my latest antedote to excess indulgence over the holidays... my return to the gym....

a warning...
beware new shiny machines that look deceptively like an ordinary cross trainer and promise perfect glutes and quads...
the people who design them must have serious sadistic tendencies... I've not worked as hard for a long time - enjoyable wasn't a term that came to mind as I sweated my way through todays workout... however, I have a feeling it may be quite effective if used over a period of time.... and maybe one gets used to the pain... not a conclusion I want to jump to without due consideration...

then, just about enough time to get to the cinema to watch Hairspray with the girls... S's friends and a couple of mine... only a few days since we were there with our visitors watching the Simpsons...
thoroughly enjoyed both for different reasons... makes me realise though that the only films we ever get to see these days are children's films...

It's not really surprising I'm stiff and aching .... something concrete for all our work would be nice to see, but until then, sleep is in order...

Summer treasures...

as an aside from the other aspects of life.... escape to blue skies, dreamy days, no schedule to keep to, warm sun on bare skin, even the start of a tan...it seems like summer has finally arrived...

and grabbing every moment just because noone can tell how long it's going to last...

the mind takes time to catch up with the reality of freedom..

Can't remember when we were last able to give in and relax during the summer...

good things rubbed off from friends visiting - more like family than friends... a bit like I imagine an older brother would be like.... someone to look out for you, to care and have fun with...

now we are back to the four of us with four long weeks of summer holidays stretching ahead of us... it's almost like being a child again when time was irrelevant and the sole purpose of holidays was pleasure...

a delicious perk of taking a break from work....

It's 3.30am

Can't sleep....

Take three happy children, then throw in one extra who is nice to one, and not nice to the other two.... add in lack of life experience and insecurities, bitchy comments and snide remarks, purposeful ignoring and leave to brew for several months....

Each child in a no win situation, none of them truly happy but unable to see a way through.

It's all been stirred into a murky mess...

As parents it's easy to see where it's all gone astray but less easy to help sort out......
previous strong friendships are suffering between the children .... I am so frustrated by it all.... and saddened... such unnecessary trauma, manipulation and disruption....
tears at bedtime and during the day too...

life lessons age 9.....

somehow I have to make this stop ...

It's a whirl wind of activity here now the boys have landed.... we /they have slipped and slid , climbed trees, drilled, hammered and bolted the now very pimped gokart back together, helped with sawing and measuring for the float, run up and down hills, played for hours in the sea, eaten more food than I have ever had in the cupboards, stayed up incredibly late, erected the tent in the garden to sleep in and then still been up at the crack of dawn...

However, excess sun and grass burn may just have stopped play for the moment.... it's hard to tell the difference.... but a lot of fun was had in the process... it's just the adults who can't keep up!

If walls could talk...

We are creating more space in our home...

last year we took back one of our chalets into our living space to use for us, but so far we have only really used one room, a bedroom, which is now our study.
It has taken some time but finally we can get on with making the rest of it our own.

We chose our new paint colours before our holiday and with the beds gone and a few minor plumbing and electrical adjustments we will have somewhere the kids can go and be, relax, chill and have room to themselves. R gets a studio to paint in... and I get the kitchen and shower room at a guess... It's exciting...the changes that is...not the kitchen and shower room....

Earlier tonight though, as I sat in the now semi empty space which was the living room, I couldn't help thinking of what that space has been to so many people over the past ten years since we have lived here and even before then -
a holiday home specifically requested year after year,
a stop gap between homes,
the start of married life,
a trial run before comitting to a relationship...
it's seen single parents with young children and young families with nowhere else to go.
Most recently it was a refuge for friends of ours.

I often wonder the stories different places would tell if only they could ~
so many individuals have lived here...
so many dreams dreamed and experiences lived
feelings etched into peoples memories..

A part of me is sad we're changing it.... space is valuable...
tomorrow it will become space for guests of ours and then, after their stay, it will be ready for it's transformation and take on a whole new meaning for our family...

Solitude...

or solitude remembered...

special moments of tranquility and moments where time slows enough to make sense of the previously incoherent, or to allow for a moment of revelation to appear from out of nowhere - the kind that catches you unawares...

A long night and Tom....

I never saw the morning til I stayed up all night
I never saw the sunshine til you turned out the light
I never saw my hometown until I stayed away too long
I never heard the melody, until I needed a song.

I never saw the white line, til I was leaving you behind
I never knew I needed you til I was caught up in a bind
I never spoke i love you til I cursed you in vain,
I never felt my heartstrings until I nearly went insane.

I never saw the east coast til I move to the west
I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast
I never saw your heart til someone tried to steal,
Tried to steal it away
I never saw your tears until they rolled down your face
Tom Waits..

Sitting working out the assembly instructions on a new desk and this song came on the i pod and took me back... memories of a different time and place, many years ago and late night conversations with a very dear friend who comes to visit soon.
A friend who in the space of a single evening, albeit a long one, probably embodied in the very first line of the song... helped me see things clearly enough to not pack in my degree, who through his unconditional acceptance of who I was and where I was, kept me sane through some rough times and to whom I owe much.

Hadn't been able to listen to Tom Waits for many years until fairly recently - too many memories... music can do that so easily bring back to the surface feelings and emotions kept under wraps ... but today I couldn't get this out of my head and it was good, and good to really listen again...

Our float for one of the summer shows over here is in progress....and from now until then we will spend many evenings making numerous paper flowers... we have plenty of paper to go round all our friends and as the wine flows and the evening progresses the flowers multiply.... we already have thousands but need a few thousand more....various bright colours... it's going to look good :)

However there is still much of the construction of it to be worked on and practical aspects to be considered... which could be why, while we were busy working out surface areas and reacquainting ourselves with Pythagoras theorem and pi from school days, we completely overlooked whether it would, in fact fit through the doors.... until the caretaker thought to ask the question that is....

Of course we should have known better.... having encountered this problem previously with other large structures/ sculptures we have made it has to be one of the main considerations....

Very fortunately we were spared the hassle of dismantling and reconstructing, and a whole lot of huffing and puffing, as we discovered it squeezed through the gap with only a few millimeters to spare...

Earlier today, with R at work doing fun things for activities week that we can't join in with, the three of us headed out and about to find some fun of our own.
First stop and literally no more than a couple of minutes outside our door, were the most amazing colours and space... hard to find sometimes on a small island... a reminder of what it is like to breathe deeply and digest the beauty that surrounds us... the crystal clarity of the blues and greens was stunning... and not a soul on the whole beach apart from a man training his three dogs... we watched for a while and then went on our way, invigorated, refreshed and calmed...
It's hard to imagine the change in this tranquil scene in winter when the waves crash over the shore and drown the place where we stood today... awesome, powerful and beautiful.

Last night our garden and house was full as a last minute barbeque escalated in numbers with friends and their children. We had a brilliant time but I woke up tired and reflective.

There was a dawning realisation that in a weeks time we would be a far quieter household but much more than that, new friends who have been staying with us for the past six weeks will be moving on and we don't know when we might see them again - the future is uncertain.

It's always tough when there are no obvious solutions to problems, no answers, when we are effectively useless, and more than offering the little we have to each other - which can seem extremely meagre - we can only sit with each other and be together, muddling along.
Some days I'd sincerely love a crystal ball, as long as it told me what I wanted to hear of course... wouldn't it be nice if we could see instant replies to our prayers.. though I know they aren't always answered as we want them to be...

perhaps in part my thoughts this morning were guided by the fact that one of R's best friends who had moved away last year was back for the night and the boys all managed to get together - it's hard as R seems to be brilliant at making friends who have to leave this island for one reason or another and noone ever seems to stay put...

I feel for him, for them and for me...

I know we are far richer for the friends we have made, yet we are constantly having to let go ... and I think I have mentioned before that's not one of my strong points...

Still we do have an ever increasing number of people to visit when we do finally make it off this small rock....

It's July - the weather could be described as a tad inclement but we're faring far better than parts of England...

Thanks have to go to my SIL for sending such a lovely scarf to keep out the chills whilst watching sports day which was rained off last week... an apt and appropriate gift as it turns out.
Coffee and biccies for those parents who braved the cold to watch helped enormously...
Colourful comfort at what should be the start of the summer

the backlash of tiredness

I guess it's to be expected...
the tiredness, the attitude...
theirs and mine...
they push
I cope badly
they keep on pushing
boundaries stretch
then burst
I react, shout,
feel guilty...
noone tells you how to deal with 'attitude'...
didn't realise I signed up for this...
but it's too late now.

Escape,
start walking,
leave them with R,
time to breathe,
time to think.
A friend calls..
we talk,
they know what it's like... expect it to get worse before it gets better... but it will get better..
perhaps I'm not a bad Mum
perhaps I'm just human...

Tiredness gets to us all...

back home,
hugs,
apologies...
time to think has been good...


all made up, tucked up
adorable angels with attitude
Perhaps I'll get it right next time...

He's back...

A bedraggled boy lugging a heavy bag full of muddy clothes arrived home safely after a wet and tiring week. After a long soak in a deep bubble bath, dry clothes and having raided the fridge he's settled back in, familiar sounds fill the house again and it feels soooo good...

Both children have spread their wings this week and been brought back home at the end of their respective trips, I'm pleased to have them back and am pleased they have been away - I hope and pray that they will always feel they can come home - want to come home - and that home should be a place of refuge and comfort and love... a safe place just to be themselves...

No sooner than I had thought these thoughts than I am aware of a new shared file on my itunes... and much as I love my son, I don't always want to share his music, at least not quite so personally, on my ipod... as no doubt he wouldn't want to share mine...

Enquiries reveal that the shared file is from l*mewi*e where the two boys (R and friend) have been downloading free music... and attempting to download a music video ... but have inadvertently not only downloaded a semi n*ked video... but managed to share it with anyone on our extended network... R's laptop from school and our friends laptop next door included....

I can quite see how it happened, though not overly amused at it being shared so freely... we must secure our network soon...!

fortunately it was relatively easily sorted and a lesson learned... there was a degree of embarrassment by the boys - though whether it was because of the video content itself, or because I found out, remains to be seen....

We now have managed to separate his music from mine, and all is back on track...

Yes I missed him dreadfully - a whole week free from chaos and scrapes... it's what makes my world go round... :)

Happy moments recently

S returned from her trip with an extra aura of self confidence, and serenity.... delighted to be home but pleased to have been away for the first time without us too.

She looked so grown up - with the longest legs ever - as she went in for her ballet exam today, hair pristine with blue flowers neatly around her ballet bun! nerves under control and smiling on the outside.

I'm missing R (junior) terribly, no news is good news and I'm sure he's having a fantastic time.... I bet there's no clean clothes left even now.... please god let the seas be calm on Saturday...

A belated birthday present.... :) what a surprise.... a total surprise.... bright and colourful, a scarf all the way from R's sister in Australia. S and I went to collect it from the post office after the exam ..... just the thought that someone has been thinking of me out of the blue makes me smile... and it is a rather nice scarf too...

and finally this evening an escape working with a group of young people on our battle of flowers float, seeing ideas coming together and hearing them wishing they could spend more time on it because the hour goes so quickly...

and now... time to spend reading before bed... the luxury of escapism... a couple of books I'd normally reserve for beach reading that won't stretch my brain cells, but are good for relaxing with.

Not many words around, am blessed with R who is the most amazing Dad to our two beautiful children... I can't think of anything more precious than that.

We escaped...

well even if it was only for a couple of days... to eat french bread and cheese, moules and drink plenty of red wine...

luxuriate in the space and time and finally get time for a real conversation....

We like to think we have real conversations all the time.. but truth be told we only say what really needs saying half the time and the rest of the time we are distracted or asleep...

so, it was good, far too short but the start of a new chapter - and a week's holiday for me...

sculpture or bar stool? .... they have a certain je ne sais quoi for some things...

transport... I loved the colour

the room had these interesting porthole windows through to the bathroom....

and this row of shops looked like it was actually part of the cathedral ...

This was caught on my phone as I returned from church this evening.

I wished I had our camera but the light was stunning and it was a moment I didn't want to miss.
The weekend has been an interesting one - one to remember, as all moments of big decision are - a critical time of acknowledgement that in striving so hard to cope and manage and be some kind of super mum, I risked everything.

In always rising to the occasion and never admitting defeat, the one thing I hadn't done was stop and rest.
There has never been time to recover, to grieve losses, to look after me, and all my energy has been used in keeping going, without having any reserves for others... for my children... for anyone...

This was my realisation, the thing my friends and family could see, that I couldn't... the thing that I came up against like a brick wall on Saturday.

If we don't look after ourselves we can't possibly look after anyone else... how many times I have said those kind of words to others, and meant them from the heart....

Anyway, the catalyst for change....


what was it I read recently about faith being about believing in something that only makes sense in reverse...? that makes sense...

and church was good tonight - inspiring - it's been a long time since I have felt that as I have come away from a service.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week....

The beginning...

Occassionally R and I find ourselves caught up in projects that start small and get bigger as we go along...
I have the feeling this might just be the case if we don't stop ourselves from getting carried away with the infectious enthusiasm of youth...
Tonight was the second meeting of a project in which young people from most of the island secondary schools have chosen to get involved, to advertise/celebrate fair-trade, at the battle of flowers later this year. As much as I'd have loved to just stay in and vegetate, the reward more than justified the effort. Last week noone knew each other, this week it's starting to gel...
It feels as if the project is really starting to take shape...and even our children who are younger are feeling involved - it's just the beginning, but it's a good one :)