Life

A few days ago in our relatively quiet community a 21 year old was stabbed and died,
I hear of another young man killled in a motorbike accident,
I pass the hospice,
Walk through old familiar territory in hospital
Hear of a family friend who had a heart attack during the summer, now recovering back home after surgery in London.
I hear of families who are grieving, and children who have lost parents,
I watch stories about September 11th on tv.

It hurts, people are hurting.....

For now, I have my family, my children ~ oh so precious ~ last night I hugged them extra tightly and prayed as they fell asleep.

prayed for their lives to be as full of life as possible, and, for me, I vowed to make each moment count, and to cherish all that is given to me. Sometimes it seems thats all we can do.

Sometimes I can't help thinking it's better to keep quiet ~ earlier today I visited the occupational health department for my pre employment check of immunisations, height, weight etc
I am not sure exactly why, but the focus for today was sight.......

I have good reason for having a phobia of sight tests based on an experience when I was six or seven. It's not something that has a marked impact on my life, and I can overcome it if needed.
However, as these tests were going on for some time - I'm really not sure of the rationale behind them in this situation - I mentioned this wasn't my most favourite thing

The response to finding this out was.... perhaps I'd like some counselling to help me.....?

what ensued was, him trying to make me take a piece of paper with numbers on it, me refusing and passing it back, him pushing it towards me, me saying no, him saying why not, me saying I didn't need counselling for it, me explaining that anyone who needed to, knew, including the optician, him insisting I should...
eventually I thanked him, said I knew he had the information if I ever needed it and made my exit

I wonder, had I said I was scared of spiders or needles or something more common, if he'd have advocated counselling?

Why do people impose themselves on others? I wasn't that concerned until he started making a big fuss about it.
What's wrong with just accepting people for who they are, with their insecurities, their stories and backgrounds, their vulnerabilities - why try to rock the boat of someone who is coping?

And what is it with this obsession with counselling? It's not that I can't see it's value, I can, very much so, but just not for every possible situation - I struggled to get adequate one to one support for bereaved children I was caring for, and he is trying to force counsellor time onto someone who doesn't want it....
it doesn't make sense...

Baptism of fire

R and R just arrived home after a friend invited them fishing....

Little R has always hated anything to do with fish, but it's cool to go fishing - right????

He has seen fish being caught and lines baited and been a part of the whole male fishing experience, including having to pee over the side, no time to indulge any phobia/dislike of any degree - and actually seems to have quite enjoyed the experience ~ it just remains for me to decide how to handle the next time we go past the fish market...

ps: and please don't ask how big the one they caught is !

Nature's cheeky - Probably no more than two months ago this tree, which I helped my Dad plant about 30 years ago, split in two - it wasn't overly windy, it just happened.

He then decided to fell the other half as it was wobbling, but decided to do it himself - we wish he'd asked for help, but we all take risks we shouldn't. As the other half fell he started to run away from it and slipped.

Fortunately, the tree fell the other way and he is still here to tell the tale. If it had fallen on him he would almost certainly not be. The stump was turned into a seat - a peaceful place to absorb nature in their garden.

I had to smile when I visited to find it happily sprouting away - the amount it has grown in such a short time is incredible!

Second chances

On the life / death continuum it doesn't get more important than resuscitation. The final day of induction required us all to update our skills before taking up our posts around the hospitals. However, far from being dull, there was a lot of humour, much laughter along the way and a bag full of learning taking place.

It's been quite some time since I was involved in resuscitation, but a complimentary comment on my technique - well practised over the years, made me yearn for something - rekindled a desire to use these skills again.

I've spent a fair amount of time since, thinking about those people whose lives touched mine as we tried to bring them back to life - there were some success stories along the way, but sadly far more who, try as we may, just didn't make it.

The little girl, completely perfect, bar a single stab wound to her chest, who, after a very long failed attempt, I carefully dressed in a night dress from the children's ward - her father made the call - he claimed it was him who killled her
I wonder about her life even now, 18 years on
The heroin addict who, once resuscitated, was furious with us for wasting and reversing his hard spent drugs
The unknown child brought in from a house littered with used needles
The elderly unkempt man with thousands of pounds on him
and the leather clad biker who had sped off after an argument with his family

many more come to mind - those who had taken overdoses - a cry for help gone wrong or had they meant it?
the teenager bleeding from every orifice - oozing blood from eyes and skin, burning up from the inside out - washing out her stomach with ice in a futile attempt to save a young life - all for the sake of an ecstacy tablet
and the frail old lady whose family just couldn't believe she could die

It took me back. It's important for me to feel that we gave it our best shot - I know the whole team were affected by these people - but sometimes our best just isn't good enough - sometimes we don't get the results we want
but sometimes lives are saved, or rather, prolonged - it's not about playing at being god - it's about helping give people another chance

It was about not writing someone off just because they weren't breathing and their heart had stopped - it was about the ultimate hope and belief - and knowledge - that sometimes the seemingly impossible could happen if we only tried, yet without trying, the outcome was inevitable.

So with that reminder ringing in my ears we completed our induction and were sent on our way

Exercise is good

The return to semi regular exercise feels good, and tonight I was persuaded by a friend to try body balance - a blended version of yoga and tai chi to music - not as peaceful or meditative as yoga, but I'm somewhat stretched all the same, and no doubt will feel it tomorrow.

Normally I exercise on my own, but on recent gym trips I have met up with J and it's much more fun - nothing quite like a good work out to destress and calm, and a bonus if I get to catch up on news I've missed.

People are still asking /semi expecting me to provide what I did in my previous job - more requests today.
For very simple reasons I can't, yet there is no local service for these people any more. Helpless frustration, tinged with guilt, surrounds this, yet I know I tried all the options open before I left, plus I now have a new job I need to concentrate on.
In many ways, the service offered by this charity had grown to such an extent, it was no longer viewed as a charity but more as a statutory service. It's no wonder there is still an expectation from people, and a disbelief that it's disappeared.

I am reminded that we are all on a journey, and recovery is a process, that I slip but there are people to catch me.... and I am thankful for this reminder

Now aching muscles need sleep....

And so it was...

News brought home from school, not just of their first days adventures but of someone they thought of as really cool.
They talk as if they knew him, are taken aback at news they hadn't expected, feel sad, yet marvel at his adventures and that he had really lived but that he chose to live dangerously too .



I was in my cocoon of induction before I can actually start my job - so I had to catch up on life news later. A wealth of characters or maybe animated caricatures would best describe the day, from the ever so jolly to the dullest way to impart the dullest information.... strangely I have gained slightly in knowledge so perhaps I was more engaged than I thought.
The challenge of acquiring a uniform to fit, as opposed to a sack, was achieved ( no mean feat from the linen rooms of hospitals), an escape made for lunch and then home to a Birthday teaparty for R at the end of the day.

Many phone calls later and we find some peace and time to reflect and relax

It feels good.



We step it up with manual handling and fire lectures tomorrow!!

A new beginning

Its a new year, a new term tomorrow, a new job for me, a new start.....

The relaxed freedom of the summer holiday is over and everything signals the change that that brings about..... early starts, alarm clocks, uniforms all neatly labelled, lessons, bells, clubs, activities, then before we know it it will be harvest festivals, school productions and Christmas ~ all mapped out.

However, the structure this brings is reassuring ~ their anxieties about leaving the holiday behind and starting a new year with new teachers are balanced with the knowledge that a large part of what lies ahead is familiar.

I'm thankful for this, they know where they are, what the boundaries are, and from this place of security they can explore and stretch those boundaries.

I love the idea that they are free, that we are free, holidays let us truly let our hair down and run wild if we want, do things we wouldn't normally get to do and some of those boundaries get well and truly stretched in the process. Yet a return to what is stable and secure, is grounding and reassuring.

It's not that the party's over, it's a new one beginning, a new cycle.

It feels more like New Year to me than New Year itself - I've never really embraced the whole New Year thing, but September is always filled with new starts, a new resolve, often several, so although a part of me wishes the Summer holidays could carry on for ever and ever ~ running wild and free ~ the start of new possibilities is ahead, which creates both nervousness and excitement at the same time.

We just need to get started

The next adventure?

A visit to the Bank manager yesterday proved rather more interesting than merely rethinking our mortgage arrangements!

Earlier in the year I had read about plans for 40 women to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but being focussed on the moon walk I hadn't given it serious thought on a personal level.
Yesterday at the end of our meeting at the bank it was suggested to me that there were places left and would I like to join them.

The reason behind it is to raise awareness of the key signs and symptoms of Ovarian cancer - the prime objective of a relatively new charity, Keysoc.
Information on the expedition is here

It's something I'd love to do - it would be a fantastic challenge but would be beautiful and have a purpose too - it was all discussed with the family and agreed, I was getting very excited at the thought of it, but when I checked with work it looks as if I probably can't go - not this time, not yet, not perhaps for this cause.

The charity looks good though - it's important, and it's message is worth the time to check out.
I wasn't looking for excitement, but who knows what's around the next corner?

Mister God this is Anna

Just before our break we visited my parents and I happened to be in my old bedroom - now the guest room. Many of the books on the bookshelves are the same as they were when I was at home, but for some reason one of those old books caught my eye and I realised I had never looked inside it, it was so familiar I hardly gave it a second glance.

Hidden in full view was "Mister God this is Anna"

Since I started reading it I've been totally absorbed by it - it is the most wonderful book I've read in years and years. The relationship of this small girl with Mister God, her thoughts and questionings, discoveries and ideas has made me think and look at things at a new angle - there are far too many special parts to single out one or a few even.

I'm probably very slow on picking up this book - the fact it sat for 30 years (mainly I think because it had the word God in the title) without me reading it says that- but it really is a 'wow' book, and for anyone who hasn't read it, it's worth it - or I think it is anway.

"The diffrense from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is in the inside and most of a person is on the outside" Anna aged 6

Am so impressed

Then we got back to find our friend had just successfully swum the English channel in 15 1/2 hours for breast cancer research - a great friend, and inspiration - totally amazing!

Slow

Have been away for a couple of days - school starts next week so it seemed a good idea to grab some space while we could. Some luxury too - a proper bed to sleep on in a hotel instead of sofa beds or camping style accomodation! The children had bunk beds - if only I could bottle their excitement...!

We swam, read, watched dvds and played games - slowed right down
Slow as a contrast from the parties and lateness of previous evenings with friends, which were lively, fun and full of energy, but tiring all the same.


Slow was good - just to stop the whirlwind and be still
- sitting with each of my family at various points, sharing moments and making contact with them, their thoughts and ideas, touching base with what's important.
Realising the real value of anything uncomplicated and pure and wishing more of life could be so simple ..... somehow the stillness seems to help in untangling thoughts, emotions and feelings
- now we're home can it last?

Since we're not getting far off this small rock this summer, and my philosophy has been for themost part that why should we when we live in a beautiful place, we've been trying to take advantage of what is on offer locally as far as entertainment goes.
It's been varied, but we've realised that as often happens, if it's right in front of your nose you don't always see it.
So last night we headed off to the Castle for some live music - despite the children's grumbles and headaches/tummy aches.
Once we arrived and had food it was a far happier scene, meaning we could listen to the music of John Byrne and Dave Fuller, relax and chill, and enjoy the moment. It would have been fantastic had the sun been setting, but was it was still fantastic and equally as memorable, if not more so, interspersed by the fog horn and the mist rolling in, with the odd champagne cork popping.

As we left a rat scurried past, but instead of being scared of it, the children were fascinated - it would seem that somehow a rat isn't scary when its where it's supposed to be!

Chainsaws are good for the soul...

Just what the doctor ordered - a trip out to the local show and some wicked chainsaw sculpting from a talented chap called Ben Loughrill - it was exciting watching and seeing his vision emerge from the wood, enhanced by the the noise of his chainsaw, flying sawdust and the skill involved ~ I seem to be spending a fair amount of time watching things transform lately! I looked for his website but obviously he's far too busy sculpting and getting creative with bits of wood and chain saws to get it sorted properly - what's more he seems to be a truly lovely guy - we spent quite some time chatting with him and couldn't resist coming home with a new addition to our family - ollie the owl!





The lad going wild on his quad bike was also something to behold!
Quad bikes and chainsaws being added to R's birthday list as I type - he can live in hope!!

Recovering

We've been feeling sorry for ourselves (collectively) today
Its been dentist day - checkups revealed both kids needed fillings - and today was the day.

When they were little we were told their enamel on their first teeth hadn't formed properly and just a sniff of sugar can - and will - cause cavities, so we have been extra careful, but still it's a hard balance, especially with them learning to brush their teeth properly themselves. It sounds small but is important!

We have fortunately found a nice dentist, but it's still a trauma - no other way of putting it.


So, we've had an afternoon of cuddling rabbits, playing with 'Bentley' - next door's dog who has adopted our garden as a place to play - watching tv ( am thankful for sky!) devouring home made soup, and just being a family - sometimes although the reasons for it aren't that great, it's good to just pull together as a family and lock the world outside while we recover

Getting arty :-)

I have always loved watching R working, painting or drawing, creating - I see it calm him, how he concentrates, gets absorbed in it, I love just being still with him - hours can pass and yet it doesn't feel long.

It's precious time.

I love my jewellery making because, to an extent, I think I feel a little of how he does painting -
I was never able to copy realistically, and was always branded no good at art at school.

However, given a different perspective since, I'd love to learn more about sculpture - to work in 3d is something I enjoy - clay, plaster of paris, wax, even sugar paste! - perhaps they're more forgiving... whatever it is, I find it easier ~ but, last night I was persuaded to grab a brush and a canvas and have a go at painting.
Again the hours flew past, it was fun, it was relaxing ~ he said it was good, I think it was childish and naive, but regardless of the aesthetics of the finished piece, there was definitely something intangible, perhaps just in the shared space with another person working, that made it special...

Who are we to judge others? If I'd believed the art teacher - and I did for a long while - and if I'd never been encouraged by R, I might never have even considered trying to paint again- and I'd have missed out on something valuable!

New eras beckon.

as one door closes another opens - coincidence or just part of the plan? - perhaps I should just trust more - the call to give blood that I received just as I closed the door on my ex employers car, on my last working day, proved to be the direct link to my new post - I start in September working as a nurse for the blood transfusion service.

Lots of thoughts running through my head - the arrival of a mac book pro heralds a new era for R's work (and mine to a lesser degree), but as R's comments were he could eat it I guess it's a male thing thinking of a pc as sexy!!!

Alone again - this little unit can take a deep breath and recharge - guests gone, a wonderful time had by all, but feeling weary from the constancy of noise, demands, busyness of people - time to be a unit of four for now - time to just be, be me.....

much needed rest and looking forward - a horrid feeling that the summer holidays are running away and I'm struggling to keep up - please can't we have another few weeks?

I haven't played nearly enough yet....
there's never enough time to play.....

Once in a while

Just finished reading The True and Outstanding Adventures of The Hunt Sisters
two quotes from it stuck in my head -

a quote from Auden:
But once in a while the odd thing happens,
Once in a while the dream comes true,
And the whole pattern of life is altered,
Once in a while the moon turns blue.

and a line from a letter to her sister saying
"I want to be like a favorite song. The one you play to cheer you up and get you going again. And like a good song, sometimes I'll just pop into your head or you can play me whenever you want."

At a funeral of a friend of ours I remember the priest commenting on how suddenly some colour was missing from our lives.
Colour..... or a favourite song?
People do bring colour and music into lives - am now thinking of my friends in terms of colours and songs!

Anyway, I did enjoy the book, sad, but a good read in a not too heavy kind of way

Never been tagged before!

Thanks to Caroline - a welcome distraction whilst preparing for an interview tomorrow!

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. chambermaid
2. nurse - cardiology/coronary care and accident and emergency
3. information officer for a childrens bereavement support agency
4. running and managing self catering chalets


Four Movies I have watched over and over;
I don't tend to watch a film / read a book more than once unless it's a kids one when I have no choice - so films I wouldn't /don't mind watching over are :-

1. Beaches
2. Dirty dancing
3. almost any of the Aardman animation films
4. Belville Rendez-vous


Four places I have lived:
1. Clapham, London
2. Edgbaston, Birmingham
3. Amesbury, Wiltshire
4. Guernsey


Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Tribe
2. Holby city
3. My family
4. Sex and the city - now on dvd only :-(

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. California
2. Finnish Lapland
3. France
4. Italy


Four of my favourite foods
1. Freshly baked bread - especially seeded, grainy or nutty ones
2. Cheese - favourites are soft and french
3. crisp juicy apples
4. curry


Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Southern Italy - the amalfi coast
2. Brittany, or anywhere in peaceful french countryside
3. Barbados
4. Antarctica


how about you?

Four people who will respond: anyone who wants to :-)