Tonight I sat watching the sun as it set...as glorious as ever.
Rumour has it, and I only half believe, and only because I know deep down I want to.. that sometimes as it dips just below the horizon, on a clear night, there is a green flash before it goes completely

~~~~~~~
and as I watched, I couldn't help thinking

It's the same sun we all see

and the same moon

so connected on this small planet, so close, and yet so many of us so many worlds apart...

sometimes that's reassuring,
and then
sometimes it just doesn't make sense
sometimes you'd never guess we were all connected at all

Light filters through and percolates down, making pretty patterns
kaleidoscopes fascinated me as a child, same colours, different patterns, always changing
and recently I found myself playing bejewelled on facebook, strangely meditative watching the jewels cascade and exchange with one another... and explode into showers of light

Life changes,
Yesterday I was back in Alderney
lovely people,
great lessons
interested and enquiring minds
questions,
I am loving this job, with more challenges and courses to work on this summer ready for next year.

After school, with hours till the flight home I found myself on the beach, warm sun on bare skin for the first time this year,
sand trickling through my hands, a good book to read and the sound of the sea and children playing in the background.
Peace.
Tranquility.

Time to rest and then to re engage.

Life has changed, but there are beautiful colours still,
we have not just come through,
we have survived,
better equipped, and stronger than before

Sometimes we sail close to the wind and sometimes it catches us and takes us to places we could never imagine,
so fast and so furious, we fly in the face of adversity,
and when we land we find the sea is bluer and clearer and the sand is finer and the sun is warmer and more healing than we have ever known.

and the breeze is a reminder of all that has been and the possibility of what could still be.

I think I'm ready for summer.

Mystery

A lesson learned and yet not understood.

Forgiveness,
like love,
so complex, so vital.
Emanating from conscious thought and desire,
yet
somehow that alone is not enough

we can think
we can hope
we can pray

and where it comes from we cannot know or understand,
it is a gift,
a precious healing gift.

and once given it is strong and sure,

and enduring
and it brings with it calm and peace...

and although there is such a human element, that alone is not enough..

it surely is a mystery
a blessing and a wonder
for everyone involved.

and if that's magic,

I want to believe :)

Summer listening

Sun's out, sky's blue, barely a wisp of cloud in sight.
Windows down, sea breezes, open road ahead, accelerator down, volume up...
a blast along the coast clears any lurking cobwebs well out of the way






"Human"

I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes, clear your heart
Cut the cord

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Hear my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye, wish me well
You've gotta let me go

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know, is your heart still beating?

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

You've gotta let me know

Are we human or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer
Are we human or are we dancer?

am loving this album, bought it, lost it replaced it and then found the original!!
Isn't it always the way it goes?

Zzzzzzzz

Sleep...
so often I have pondered it's worth
In the past it has escaped me,
I have yearned for it,
begged my children (not quite literally, but almost) for it,
wished I could manage on less,
observed those who have been sleep deprived,
observed the same when rested too

it changes nothing much, not essentially,
yet it helps us cope
It is vital,
and when a crisis is over it is the first thing I do...

There is much to catch up on

amidst gardening and house work, ballet exams and various parties, portfolios to prepare for external verifiers and normal every day work, which is hugely fun, and sometimes even rewarding (with doughnuts) in unexpected ways...

all I really want, and all I seem to be doing otherwise is sleep...
and if I'm not around thats almost certainly where I'll be!

red sky at night...

some times words aren't needed.
Beauty says it all,
and speaks to each person watching and feeling in their own way

it's hard not to stand in awe and wonder, hope and possibility, when the sky turns all majestic on us.

When we dream together...

work together, share together, dreams can come true....

opportunities can present themselves
and we can make things happen.

Today a new place to eat opened in town with fantastic views over the harbour (just got side tracked and never took the photos I meant to!)
the walls displaying R's art work, a place for him to showcase his work to the public.
Upstairs is more formal, downstairs is more relaxed and easy...

tonight I am raising a glass to new ventures... :)

Slowly,
sieving,
filtering
feelings,
emotions,
facts,
images,
possibilities,

Nurturing,
retreating,
escaping

into
books,
music,
work,
distraction,

processing,
sorting,
cleaning,
clearing,

gradually...

gradually letting it unravel
gradually moving somewhere
slowly...

(Leunig)

kinda stuck for words lately...
am thinking something about time,
healing, recovering,
or just gradually getting used to some things being how they are.

And about love ~
it's never simple,
never easy,
not always rewarding even,
not immediately that is...

I guess it's tied up with acceptance,
as we learn and discover more,
uncover more of the layers of one another,
over time,
and yet loving all the same.

We change, we grow, we reveal,
yet the essence of who we are stays the same,
and we know we are all fallible and vulnerable.

We don't always make it easy for people to love us
and others aren't always easy to love.

Sometimes it's simple
and sometimes it's difficult...

See,
no words,
just circles!
that's life I guess!

there is no other way,
thankfully
:)
x

and so...

So we make progress, and then we slide backwards, and we pick up, and we slide again...

Where is that helicopter to winch us clear of all of this, and whisk us away to some far flung shore to revive and recouperate with some muscle bound, tanned eye candy to soothe the soul...?

I thought as much, so much for pipe dreams!

I have however, been thinking about the places we go for help when we are low and need completely non judgemental support...

I never knew my grandparents while I was growing up, and only got to know my Grandad in the few years before he died.

However, I have watched my son these past few weeks with my Dad, working with him in their garden, mowing their lawn for them and learning about and tending their trees, listening to stories, guiding him gently in ways we as parents can't and in watching have acknowledged that we can't give it all, that we all need different inputs to make us whole. And then when they have finished outside they retreat inside for hot chocolate and time to concentrate on some of the more tricky bits of school work, and for some reason R is far more receptive to this from him than from us...
That too is fine.
In those moments I find myself breathing and believing all will be well.

It is a special relationship, bonded through the toughest of times.
Times when perhaps we have all seen the worst sides of one another, and been more honest than perhaps we would have chosen to be, but circumstances dictate that honesty and nothing less will suffice if we are to sort out this mess...!

Honest enough to say that there are times we can't do it all alone,
none of us can.
That nurturing close relationships with wise folk who care and love us is worth more than words can convey...
family or friends with broad shoulders and comforting arms to hold us and give us wise advice when we have none of our own.
For those times when although we are grown up, we need to look for our rocks for support.

They help us find our way, and they help us to heal...
from the inside out

Asking isn't easy, but there are times when I guess we all need to ask... thats what I tell others, and sometimes we need to take some of our own advice.

Just sometimes, and seemingly out of nowhere, there is a ray of light that shines so bright it doesn't diffuse, but pierces straight to the heart of those that need it.
Today that came to us in the form of a rather fantastic achievement for R jnr..

The Victor Ludorum cup for his year at sports day,
the combined result of him winning javelin, and discus and so nearly the shot too...aswell as a very impressive sprint.

I actually had no idea what this cup was until I came home and googled to find out what it meant, but then we never did athletics at school, and I was worse than useless at Latin!
I couldn't be happier for him, or prouder.

Everyone needs validation, everyone needs to succeed, and at a time when we are recovering from the destruction left by bullies who have taken much, this means so much more... (than I can say)

In the face of adversity, and with support somehow we can achieve and recover.
There are parts of us all that noone can take away. This has reminded him of some of those parts of him, and I am grateful.

Sometimes paths open up and opportunities arise...
and we are given building blocks to build on

And whoever had the idea to play the theme from Chariots of fire at the end of the day, it was brilliant and couldn't help but make me smile :)

Steps...
some are bigger than others, but they still lead onwards

nothing says we have to climb them, noone is forcing us, we can stop and rest, we can look at where we are heading, and yet somehow, once we've started we are (thankfully) compelled to keep on taking one step at a time.
Even small ones are significant... and add up.

However, even when we reach the top there will always be another mystery and more questions...



I wonder what lies or lay behind the blocked up doorway...a secret garden perhaps?
I'd like to think so :)

Trust...

sometimes it's not particular people we lose trust in,
sometimes it's life in general we feel we can no longer trust...

Just too much, in too short a time to be able to ward off the inevitable damage to our protective defenses,
our foundations shaken.

So we are left open and vulnerable,
starting over again,
with new knowledge, and increased awareness.
Yet, even when things settle,
uncertainty remains until it no longer seems to be justified...

Learning to balance again,
and relax whilst doing it,
effortlessly

But

does anyone,
and dare we,
relax totally?
or will we fall if we do?

ever vigilant,
building it up again,
still waiting for the next rock
to come from out of nowhere
and topple it over

think it may just take some time

the mystery of the dawn...

The problem with darkness is that after a while your eyes adjust,
and when it turns to grey
it's hard to discern whether or not it is light creeping in, or merely an adjustment of our focus that sees it as 'normal'.

Perhaps it is light after all, and because we are so used to the dark we don't recognise it as such.
how can we recognise that in fact it is getting lighter, and it is merely our perception that sees darkness where it used to be?

I hope so...or maybe I am clinging to the idea of filtered light.

The mystery of the dawn perhaps? It is always gradual.

we wish for a switch to suddenly flood our lives with brightlights, when in fact we wouldn't believe it if that happened, it would be blinding.

Perhaps it takes a while to adjust, not to the darkness, but to the gradual light
oh and coping with the black shadows that light brings, and recognising that that is what they are, to not to be scared of them, but accept them for what they are,
and that they do not mean we are about to fall into complete darkness again.

we yearn for sudden changes and yet there are important lessons to be learned from the halflight too.

and now for something completely different...

Everyone needs a break now and again, an escape ~ a distraction

such as coffee with friends,

and banter with the friendly guys in the shop while they try to sort my mobile out.
Why is it that I should become uncontactable at the very moment I need it the most? The very reason I gave in and ever bought one in the first place all those years ago and it gives up, it's microphone has died...oh yes, I can hear them, loud and clear, but they can't hear me at all!
So while all hell breaks loose I am stuck phoneless!

with nothing to do but wander the town till it's sorted :)

Feeling good starts from the inside out so they say...and so I succumbed to the call of some beautiful bright and fun underwear - which worked to lift my mood and put a spring in my step, plus it was cheaper than shoes, my other (recently acquired, but not particularly affordable) vice!

quickly followed by tackling the issue of dental appointments for the family, which I have been delaying for ages, but may as well get it all over at once I guess. That could well bring my vices to a sharp halt....shopping ones anyhow!

An unexpected call from my wise friend across the ocean was the balm I needed when I arrived home,

followed later on by a link to this from another friend...science is fascinating...

and curiosity begged me to watch this...! just when you thought you knew all you needed to know, you find another cure for hiccoughs :)

Comfort, love, and home.

Home is...?
Love is...?
Comfort is...?

How much do we want to fit in?
Do we dare to be different?
How strong do you have to be to stand out from the crowd and be... be just you? No frills, just you.
How do we learn that we are fine just as we are...?
What makes people listen?
What makes someone feel accepted?

What heals pain?
I mean really heals pain...? not just a patch.
Is getting by the answer? or are do we search for a more permanent solution.

How do we make sense of other peoples actions when they don't fit their words?


We can think, and may well have answers in theory to all of these, but how do we put them into practice?
and how do we effectively communicate any of this to those who feel so alone with their feelings...

sometimes love can feel as if it isn't enough.


Just thoughts that have been swimming around my head lately...it's enough to drown in if we let them get a hold!

and ps, next to laughter, children singing to themselves is the second sweetest sound... :) as I am typing this!! :)

The sweetest sound

footprints of all sizes

Our footprints marked out amongst the many other footprints on the same stretch of beach.
It makes me smile thinking who has walked there before.
We spotted bird prints and animal paw prints, tiny footprints and big boot prints...
and my families prints, linked together in life and crossing paths with so many others.
(so much more interesting than an untouched beach I think...)

This weekend we have stayed close to home.

I have revelled in the sound of children's laughter ~ missing for far too long.

Stolen by others, who have bullied, cruelly and deliberately through text and msn, and which we have only recently found out about and been able to address...
it explains so much, hurts so much, and yet now it is exposed, the pressure is off and laughter can return once more and gradually replace fear and anxiety.
We have rested and reflected and are recovered / recovering

We have felt the support and love of people close to us
and we have supported one another,
and as fragile as we are, we are strong when we need to be.

It isn't the whole story, but it is a part of it, a significant part,
and now we can and are moving onwards, armed with knowledge and strategies and open communication.

It has used reserves of energy, emotional and mental, even when we didn't have any reserves to use...

noone said it was going to be easy.. and it isn't, but it sure is worth it.

And laughter is sweet music to my ears... we hardly realised it was missing until we heard it back again...

~ light on the horizon ~

There's always light somewhere, and sometimes it takes your breath away.

I swear there is magic and mystery hidden in the shadows and the light ahead ~
it might be far away, but it is so bright and enticing contrasted against the darkness surrounding it.

Just made me stop, gaze, absorb and think, for a few precious moments earlier this evening.

A quote...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.
They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing : the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose ones way."
Viktor Frankl

So very connected to my previous post, and yet not connected, a quote that has lingered recently and needs no words to accompany it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here, sleep calls.
Life has changed, not that anyone outside would notice unless they knew me/us. We remain the same, yet evolved somehow...life constantly changes, and yet what do we do with the experience and knowledge we acquire?
We pick ourselves up, we carry on, we share and we learn?
The yellow brick road is a hard and bumpy one...but compulsive, so we're back on it again in search of heaven only knows what....

Liberation, Liberated, Freedom, Peace....

yesterday we celebrated 64 years of liberation from the occupation of this island during the last world war.

What a gift our freedom is
how easy it is to take it for granted, a given, without too much thought, if any, on a day to day basis,
and yet how many people would love to have the freedom we have now...

it shouldn't be a luxury.



It just got to me.