Thresholds, beauty, wonder and light...

Each day there are thousands of interactions, images and thoughts presented to us, creating a myriad of thoughts and feelings...
too many to process or single out, too many to fully appreciate sometimes.. we deal with things and move on...
Time whilst seemingly going slow at times and feeling as if we are not really going anywhere, in fact races by
not enough time to catch up with people I want to, not enough time to fit everything in to each day, nearly another school year has passed, and yet if we don't stop and appreciate the moment then soon the kids will have left home and be away...
Revision, exams, hormones, adventures, fraught conversations, divorce, death, separation, the frailty of being human, stressed out folk struggling and sharing the harshness of their situations....realities of life all around us... so easy to be weighed down and caught up with it all....overwhelmed

however, we cope even if we feel we don't - I know in some situations and on some days, just existing is coping...

but what scares me, is that somehow at the end of it all I will have spent so much energy in just getting through it, that I won't have truly enjoyed living it... to have sucked everything out of each moment and savoured it as it deserved...

even the tough times...

John O'Donohue is a popular man at the moment in the blogs I frequent on my sidebar... but he has a lot to say that is wise and wonderful.
As I dipped into one of his books this morning - and it is a gorgeously sunny one, I read the words "The earth is full of thresholds where beauty awaits the wonder of our gaze."
Indeed it is , it is overflowing with them... and I wish I could see more deeply, more insightfully than I do... there's a challenge, that I wonder comes easiest when we try the least...

He also says that "In wild places light illuminates beauty" which I love...and have mentioned here before...
light searching out dark corners and hidden possibilities... he talks of wild landscapes reminding us of unsearched territories of the mind and I have an image of how even a tiny glimmer of light can change a landscape and show us a way forward, of hope, even when there seems to be none.

meaningful phrases for me today from his book 'Beauty the invisible embrace', that I thought I'd share, thoughts I will ponder and digest and take forward with me today...

Caring... would life be easier if we could just stop caring and feeling for a while...?

It is such a simple word, something we encourage our children to do, something that is seen as a good quality...desirable

most certainly distinct from love, yet somewhere along the line caring and loving intertwine and become one without distinction....

To care is human, it comes from within, somewhere we can't place
we don't choose who we care about, or what we care about...
caring comes upon us, from us, and just is.

Caring, like loving, can make us vulnerable, open, exposed....
and yet we can't choose not to care
we can say we don't care...
we can choose to walk away and give the appearance of not caring...
we can build walls and barriers, keep ourselves busy and distracted and try not to show it...
practice our best nonchalant look,
use all our best verbal and non verbal skills to put on a convincing act...

at best we can fool ourselves into believing we are hard and strong and don't care...

But we all need people to care for us and we all need to be wanted.
We care, regardless of whether it is reciprocated or not.

However, when we care, when we put ourselves out there, and when it is rejected, or feels like we are being shunned,
when we give because we have no choice in giving,
because it comes from that deep inner part of us that is pure and feels love for another person regardless of the outer hurts we have suffered...

but we are turned away or ignored...

the truth is, it hurts, and pain creeps in, searing, heart-rending pain,
but it doesn't stop us from caring...

we can reason, we can look to past experiences and be logical
and we may act in self preservation.....

we do walk away, we do build barriers, we act.... we convince the world, we try and convince ourselves, but inside we don't convince our hearts...
our hearts still hurt, our hearts still care.

Our hearts, our feelings don't stand up to reason...
if they did we would stop caring....

it might be foolish, it does make fools of us.... for that very reason

but that's it's beauty....

it keeps us living....stops us from totally shutting down,
keeps in touch with that soft vulnerable perfect centre that just can't help but feel, and recognises the same in others...

and keeps on giving chances long after logic would say enough....

it's late...words to follow tomorrow....

Half term madness...

These half terms come round so fast.... so fast I hadn't even realised and had booked to work for some of it.
Our two kids had the bank holiday off and are now back at school, so no lie in for us! R junior has exams...
The other R has the whole week off and is busy marking exam work ~ no rest for him either.
S is happy with her new found passion for baking ~ she can do it all on her own... and desperately wants me to let her loose with the ironing....!!
I knew it would happen one day!!

This should be luxury time when R and I reconnect with alone time - but it seems alone time still means sitting alongside each other while we work...:) companionable silence and occasional chatter... we could almost be at school too, though I should be doing other things than blogging and catching up on various posts, but it's an easy distraction I haven't had much time for of late!


Meanwhile, we live with the cauldron of hormones simmering and frantically bubbling away, occasionally spitting at anyone who tries to get too close to it....
exams disturb it too ~ nerves and hormones are a highly exothermic mix likely to scald anyone who goes too near without protection, of which we are trying various forms.... cake and chocolate are popular and fairly good protection ~ helpful suggestions are the least effective barrier to burns so far...

other times the cauldron holds a warm and comforting brew, maturing nicely, and reassuring us that it will be the most magnificent vintage in a few years...
it's good now, just developing it's unique delicious flavours...

I'm learning to be grateful for the calm and peaceful moments...
and still trying to cope with the spitting ones...

It is so tempting to bubble and spit back.... but possibly not the most helpful response...


It's challenging, but I'm thinking that most rewards are gained from things that challenge us and I wouldn't want it any other way, being honest..


for today, small but satisfying pleasures await... a trip for new stationery for my new job.... I love to lose myself in stationers, and in book stores.... so I might be some time... :)

Reflections at the end of the day...

Quiet moments sitting looking at the sand, the glorious sunset only just visible, reflected in the ripples, an ever changing glimpse of the spectacular scene going on above it ~ the end of a long day...

thoughts unravelling, slowly with the water, synchronised with the ebb and flow,

if only life were so simple, so predictable...

and yet, the gentle reflections are only there when it is so calm and peaceful ~ with more stillness comes more reflection ~ more depth visible.

More often it is wild and stormy, rough with white horses riding across the bay...
spray whipping in your face, reminding you of your insignificance and powerlessness...
strangely calming too....

the sea holds all my secrets, my thoughts, my passions...
as a child, and as an adult too...
I don't know where it takes them, but I spill them all out, sat watching, sometimes sharing with someone, sometimes alone,
peaceful reflections, stormy thoughts, deepest wishes and desires... hopes and possibilities...

mixed and mingled with all the others who open their hearts to the sea...

breathing in and out with the tide...
deep, soul reviving, salty breaths,

waiting for it to answer me back...
so that one day, whatever it is, it might all make sense...

and yet still there will be more questions, more thoughts, more ponderings....


the magic broken only by the call back to today, to living, to now...
my secret innermost thoughts, hopes, desires and yearnings left safe and floating out to sea caught on the wind that touches the waves...

Just for fun!

October 1991... after work I would pick up beer, tobacco and dark rum and diet coke, and head to a R's student house where we would spend evenings losing ourselves in music and ideas for various projects...

the cat and dog became our friends... once made, they took on their own characters and travelled round London integrating with various parts of life...

rusty and old, battered and worn.... the first and the best of various projects.... well, the most fun!!! They saw the sights and they travelled with us...

they tell their own story...



I was reminded of them during my trip to London.... the slightly bizarre days before money became important enough to do something sensible!

A new direction...

Amidst the whirlwind of disappearing to London for a couple of days, athletics trips for R and school puppet shows for S, a spattering of new ideas for projects in the future, and various meetings, I still hadn't given up the quest for a new direction...

a quest that has taken me to unknown pastures these past two years...floudering and aimless...

alien, and new territory for a girl on a mission, a girl with direction, a map of where she was going, or at least a yellow brick road to follow...and a dream that would carry her through.

All has been cast aside apart from the dream....

I have grieved a job of all things....

grieved the families I have let down, abandoned when I wouldn't have wanted to be abandoned myself, have known the wretchedness of abandonment myself and have felt their pain at one more loss, one more person who wasn't going to be there when they needed them, when they needed someone constant and reliable...

I have appreciated their kind words and their acknowledgment of what I have done, yet felt guilty that I couldn't hang on in there for them... and had that guilt compounded by others looking to shift responsibility....

I have accepted reluctantly that some things are just not feasible for one person to do alone...

reluctantly, but I have accepted that...

friends and family have been wonderful, and slowly, but surely, I have worked through those feelings...

wandering lost in a forest, wandering down paths that promised much but ended abruptly..

until today that is....

when a new post, a new opportunity which came my way has opened up a new path...

back to teaching in schools, and back to my roots of first aid and with stories to add authenticity from my accident and emergency days...

a challenge, but one I have risen to before - less so this time because first aid doesn't bring up the same taboos as death and loss... and schools are keen to have me in.

so we have been celebrating a little, it is term time only and no weekends... a huge bonus....!

I get to look after my family and myself... time for all the various aspects of life...

there is a little guilt at feeling so pleased, so totally chuffed...
not that long ago I was the girl who was turned down and that didn't feel good at all... rejection hurts and yet I know it's life.... and so we're celebrating this being a good day in our house...

I have also had a couple of wonderful phone calls from people I haven't heard from in ages.... out of the blue on the same day.

and yesterday while I was preparing for my interview I was provided with some beautiful soul medicine from itunes with an album from Beth Rowley - I had downloaded her free single of the week a while back and was notified of this album, which (I think) is beautiful.....

loved this one inparticular... will always remember it playing as I scrolled through the training manual cd!

"Angel flying too close to the ground "

If you had not have fallen

Then I would not have found you

Angel flying too close to the ground

And I patched up your broken wing

And hung around a while

Tried to keep your spirits up

And your fever down

I knew someday that you would fly away

For love's the greatest healer to be found

So leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground

Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound

I'd rather see you up

Than see you down

Leave me if you need to

I will still remember

Angel flying too close to the ground

Doubt..

Validation is so important -
it is so easy to doubt
to doubt ourselves,
to doubt our very being
feel worthless in comparison
in comparison to others who sparkle more brightly...
who have so much more to give
who are more gifted....more everything, than we could ever be....

would we be human if we didn't?
are there humans who don't, even sometimes?

sometimes just being us, being who we are, is so hard...

we fail so often,
feel so small..
contribute so little..

or do we...
do we really...?



Have just seen a wonderful film - Freedom writers...
we rarely get time to watch films...
but this was good...
it's also rare we would watch a film a second time around but this one we most certainly will be ...

The world is round. It has always felt to me as if I am witnessing some kind of miracle when I am absorbed watching the sun set, a sense of wonder at the knowledge that it will rise again tomorrow regardless... one of the few things we can be certain of... and in the knowledge that others on the planet are experiencing a part of the very same cycle of light and beauty.. or of darkness and stars... all connected.

After Dana closed down her laptop ready to leave for her trip, I looked out at the evening sky across the bay from where I was sitting and watched as our day here was ending. The sky was slowly but surely transformed as crimson and yellow hues flooded across it setting it on fire before finally dipping below the horizon.
By the time it had risen the following morning she would have flown through that sky, across oceans, and her adventure would have begun....
and I was going to join her for part of it....

The joy of finally communicating face to face was just that - without the constraints of the written word via e mail, and the delayed responses from living in different zones, we could communicate fully, tell stories, fill in gaps, explain, back track, go off course and come back, laugh, smile, observe, take photos, drink tea, wine and beer, walk, get lost, reorientate, and just hang out exploring the various colours of London town....
All luxuries not afforded any other way.

We also met up with Pip and Joan for the most fantastic meal and lots more getting to know each other... Truly Beautiful People, beautiful, wonderful feelings....a really special evening.



As I fly back home I am thinking that I'm not sure if we can always make the choice to squeeze every drop of living out of our lives, or if sometimes we find ourselves in situations where life somehow grabs a hold of us and squeezes us anyway. That once the initial choice is made, we have no choice, other than to participate and engage fully in the whirlwind of treasured moments.
This was, without doubt, a life squeezing couple of days that required little effort on my part....colours have been added to my world, and the adventure, the script, is most certainly unfolding as it should....

The world is round(ish anyway) and we are all connected somehow on it, by virtue of living.
Email and blogging, the internet, afford us the luxury of communication across continents and oceans and this was a golden opportunity to add depth and strength to connections already made.
This weekend our worlds came closer and finally touched, connections turned into stronger bonds, a confirming reassurance of friendship and connection when we have to return to snippets exchanged across the world between inboxes....

A special, magical, and truly memorable trip....

Thank you Dana, Thank you Pip and Thank you Joan.

"All of us are stars and deserve the right to twinkle."

Marilyn Monroe

I have always loved this quote... love the idea of everyone finding a way to twinkle and shine wherever they are, in whatever colour they want...and even when they aren't twinkling brightly it's just because they aren't in the light right then...not that they can't or don't..

also, why is it when we struggle the most to shine, that in fact we shine the least...? Just thinking...
and when we relax and allow ourselves to just be, we shine so brightly.....

I am blessed to have some wonderful stars in my life, all radiating light and sparkle just by being themselves...
it's a popular day for friends birthdays today - five sparkling stars who are in my thoughts today.

I also have my own stars close to home - R junior who has been chosen to compete in an athletics competition tomorrow in Bournemouth (we will have to get up at 4.45 to be ready to leave in time!)....steps of independence and wonderful experiences already....

S has her puppet show too - not the toilet roll body puppets we made when I was at school but soft puppets - fully stringed, and dressed in the most amazing outfits...full of character and so realistic... in production for nearly a year now, and finally finished with all the scenery and scripts practised to perfection...I will see it tomorrow evening while R collects from the airport...


As we sat in the car next to each other a few days ago I noticed her eyes...borrowing my makeup and copying what I do....exactly how I do it... and the whole role model thing struck me...hard.
Now and again the responsibility, aswell as the absolute fun and the joy hits me... how influencial we can be.. without realising it.
It is in the little things that we notice the most at times. and once again I find myself hoping that my influence as a role model is sufficiently grounded and secure, and based on reality and important things to.....

well, that ultimately it IS sufficient...

sufficient to give them what they need
and that whilst some of what they each need is the same, it is also so very unique...
and there are some things they need from that other part of me, the part I married, and share with them, their Dad...

they need his qualities as a role model too, and I should stop trying to think I can and should have to fill both of these on my own - we all have our own unique gifts to bring, and together they add up, and, like us, they will gather what they need from all the stars in their own personal universes...

I am also thinking of the stars who have joined me from the world of blogging - when I read earlier that Shaz is finally cured after her gruelling journey of illness this past year, I was so happy... so truly delighted... what brilliant news...

and Dana, who I am going to finally meet later this week... along with Pip , stars who illuminate my world even more as their light spills over into mine...

and all those who are listed in my side bar..... when I come past your blog spaces they do just that...

I haven't been around much lately and apologise for that.. but you do all add light to my days... thank you, x

almost all to ourselves..

I hadn't wanted any fuss, any big thing... just quiet and peaceful.. and they listened and so we escaped to this piece of heaven on earth to celebrate and let another year tick by...

It was perfect...
whole beaches just for us, and untouched sand, just like newly fallen snow - a shame to ruin it but fantastic fun to play on and mess up knowing the sea would come back in and make it clean and fresh again


we played frisbee and S did cartwheels all over the beach - we laughed and played - such freedom.... we played until there was no more light left to play in....
and so we had to go home...


and we had to have our photos taken on this rock before we did.... :)


We did lots of fun things - scrambled from one bay to another - which was brilliant and I did enjoy it, although I had insisted that I didn't need shoes on - I never did as a child when we went scrambling....
It was fine - but those rocks were sharper than I had bargained for!
It did however preserve my nail varnish which R chose to comment on as we were half way round... (so incredibly helpful!) :)

We also played tennis - in a fashion.... as a family which showed us that some of the family are gifted with ball skills and others of us are not... I struggled all through school with it and had to practice very hard to be acceptable... poor S is following in my footsteps.. although we did make sure we looked the part on court and kept smiling... ;)
As soon as that was over we could go shopping though and S is considerably better at that!

We also found this lovely caterpillar - I can't remember what he grows up to be - a moth or a butterfly... but we took Jeffrey with us on our walk for a while and he shared in our adventures for part of the day until we returned him to his home...


Couldn't think of a better way to have spent my birthday....

It's taken a while to settle back into life on planet earth...

I'm getting there slowly...

Hi I'm fine thank you... sorry for not being around much - I do plan on catching up ...
I escaped to an island - was abducted by my husband and children for my birthday - it was truly wonderful...
felt loved and cared for, loved being free and absorbing nature around me...
made sense of a few things, and saw others in a new light....
cried tears of love for those who aren't here to share any more and for those who I have reconnected with outwardly as a result....
Have been caught up since I returned, thoughts to digest and not focused on my blogging at all....
tonight was the first time I had felt I wanted to... and then I couldn't.. until now!
I will be visiting, I will be commenting.. I am and have been thinking...
and I will update here - thank you for your comments... I have just been busy unravelling thoughts.. x

Information...

More blood tests today - still on the trail to find the cause of my swollen joints.

In the process they have uncovered a piece of information which, had we known, could possibly have changed our world drastically as we struggled with recurrent miscarriages before we had R.

So although it changes nothing now, and we are very blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children, my brain refuses to let go of it until I have chewed it into oblivion, and processed it from every angle possible, relived the past, even though I don't really want to, and come back to living in the present, in the here and now...
really it changes nothing, but it possibly explains a lot, a lot more than just the miscarriages too... and that is good, I think...

Information is a strange thing - once you have it, you have little choice, even if you don't want to, you have to find something to do with it... somewhere for it to sit comfortably.

For now this bit is sitting uncomfortably shifting from side to side, not quite settled yet...

and so the focus on the here and now...

A beautiful, moody, illuminating, early evening sky

The wonder that is e cycle brought with it a real blast from the past straight into my kitchen!
R went out to pick up some big frames for art work that were being given away, and returned with these framed posters.... I'm not sure I can let him take the Lee jeans advert guy, or Patrick out of their frames... it would seem such a shame...
my posters were always stuck on the wall with blu-tack... but this girl obviously knew how to take care of her heroes...
And Roxette... I'd almost forgotten them and "it must have been love" and "joyride"!


I also spent an evening in a classroom with one of my old class mates from school days...
bizarre how, after years of not seeing each other, we can end up in class again...
and I was consciously aware of perceptions and how different I am now to then... and wondering what thoughts were going through her head...
how when I left here to go to college I chose to leave behind the person I was back then, and although I know she is still there, the old me, I don't want to go back to her.... yet that was the last time I spent any time with this old class mate...
It was interesting to reflect on afterwards... how we can leave our childhood labels behind... more or less for good, whilst not forgetting the lessons they have taught us.



The hair!! Who can forget...!

Spring?

I hope so...

Fragile defences

S is downstairs singing away to herself, happy and content.
She has just come back from a sleep over at a friend, the first time she has slept over at this particular house...

Lately it has struck me that the really important things in life are also the most fragile and easily broken... trust, love, friendship, self belief, confidence, faith, hope....all the things that protect us, none of them can just exist without being constantly worked at and renewed, fed in some way. Left without being nurtured they will slide all on their own. As much as we like to think we have built strong defences, in fact they are easily shattered and one small dent can spread rapidly until it collapses in a heap. It can take quite some rebuilding too... slowly and painstakingly, piece by piece....
And because often the cracks appear first in one small corner and spread from there we don't always see them until the damage is quite advanced... our focus isn't always where it needs to have been...

That when our focus is on us coping with changes and losses around us, and we are finding it hard, it is easy to be blind to the effect of the situation on our children or others around us for that matter....
It is easy to misread wanting to stay close to home and extra hugs and loves as just feeling more loving for some reason... increased emotions as tiredness or hormones... easy to just accept the security and reassurance we all want from being together.
it's harder to identify the gradual erosion of self confidence and low level constant worrying that builds and grows and is rarely verbalised for various reasons...

until there is a moment of sudden realisation... when it dawns all too clearly that the cracks of insecurity and lack of confidence have started to spread, and we need to concentrate on rebuilding it...
hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course we should have, could have predicted and therefore prevented a dip in confidence....

thing is it's far more fragile than I ever really thought...and can never be taken for granted...
which makes me think that actually all of these are far more fragile than I give them credit for...

and that is why after a lot of talking and preparation and a little persuasion S slept out at this friend last night

and why it is so truly wonderful to hear her singing to herself now...

Little things

If it's the little things in life that make all the difference then there is nothing wrong with a little superficiality now and again...

Recently I have been feeling pulled in all directions from various people, and having energy leached out of me without even being asked.. so today I shut the world out, apart from the world I wanted.

I took time getting ready, instead of throwing clothes on in a rush. I went on my own to vote... it was peaceful and quiet... I breezed into work for a meeting and came home... and then at 4.15 I was at the gym, which just so happened to coincide with a team of fit firemen working out and a guy with tanned legs who can skip for ever....

Very shallow I know, but the minutes did tick by all the quicker for it...

(four figures in this photo)

First impressions of our Anthony Gormley sculptures, on a cold, grey day.
Whispers on the horizon - that was what they were intended to be apparently.
Without going into any indepth analysis of why ~
I do like them.

I think they suit the greyness of the castle, and the mist too, and I wonder how they will suit sunshine and blue skies in the summer ~ if they will change in their character somehow.

Just thinking...

Some days it feels as if I'm really living life, other days I'm being dragged along for the ride, other days I'm watching everyone else playing and I'm sat taking mental notes...
I'm not sure what the balance of these days is supposed to be, some days it feels as if I have a choice and other days I definitely know that I'm not the one steering the ship.

I guess people like songs about survival because life is so tough for so many.
We have to believe we will survive, because we have no choice...and the truth is we do survive whatever is thrown our way... generally...

That's good... and I need to be reminded of that often... because from where I am standing - or sitting, watching, and making my mental notes, life seems fairly rubbish for a whole heap of people, for a lot of the time...and at times it is for me too.

I have always been amazed at the things people have survived, the stories they tell about what they have been through, and come out of the other end.... they are incredible.

I have been privileged to be with families when their worlds have turned upside down in an instant, and travelled along side them for some of the journey... then seen them several years later, inevitably scarred from it, but having survived and adjusted to how life is now...
I don't know HOW they do it, but I know they do.

I know that often people don't remember specific words that have been used, but they do remember feelings and emotions, and they remember who was there for them and who wasn't....

Every person is a story of survival... we all have stories, living them now...

I don't know why that should be surprising, it's not really... we're all more resilient than we think we are... and I like that.

We can spend all our lives trying to make sense of things and still never work them out I suppose... but somehow in the process of trying, we find our key to survival, our means of coping with stuff that otherwise seems too hard to deal with.

Living, really living, surviving, and just existing...
perhaps we need to experience all of those to say we have lived fully.

Faith renewed :)

Several weeks ago my lovely camera, only six months old, was sent off to N*kon to be repaired after the battery cover split in two as I went to put the battery on charge.

now this isn't covered under guarantee as it is not a functioning part, but since I have been extremely possessive over it and kept it nicely in it's case I was a little put out that it should break like that on me without any reason...and so when the shop told me I was going to have to pay an extortionate amount of money to have it repaired, I felt it was worth writing to the manufacturer to see if they would listen to me ~ unlikely I thought, but tell the truth and see where it gets you.

I took it in to the shop so they could post the letter as requested.... the manager was quite disappointed when I said it wasn't a stroppy letter, it was just saying what had happened and telling it like it was.

He said he liked reading stroppy letters... but I couldn't see that that would get me anywhere fast....
There were lots of feelings I hadn't expected with the loss of my camera ~ it fits in it's case in my handbag, goes everywhere with me, had even replaced makeup - something had to go until I bought a new bag!
It was neat and useful and I liked it... so an enforced period without it has been hard - I was told it would take 6-8 weeks because it has to clear customs...that is after it is mended!

Anyhow, in with the post this weekend came a letter from them saying they have agreed to repair it asap, and get it back to me....free of charge... :)

Soon I will have it back, soon I can record memories again, soon there will be photos on my blog...not the best, but they are mine.

The people at N*kon listened, they read what I had said, and I hope, the feeling behind the words. I had never been in a stroppy mode, I was just sad...and disappointed.

I don't know how long it will be, but there is a faith renewed that even in big organisations there are people who will look at an individual situation and treat it as such.
That in itself is reassuring in a world where people are so reluctant to deviate from set rules and look at each scenario on it's own merits....

Now I just have to wait for it to get through customs on it's way home...
I also now have a lovely new bag that will fit both camera and make up in... and book, and diary, and money... and any other essential item a girl needs !