Reality bites..

Busy with work and meetings and after school activities and catching up with people, cooking and having friends round...

Trying to ignore the ear/throat/headache, which probably means I am brewing what half the population seem to have at the moment, and still getting frustrated by the number of avenues that have brick walls at the end of them. Waiting for e mails from people who promise they will, and trying hard to relax and know that it all works out in the end...
patience is hard to come by...

Knowing that money isn't everything, and hanging on to the reality that money isn't really what makes people rich, but still, not having it stops you from doing things you want to do and means we can't always join in with things we'd like to...

reshaping our lives, and creating more of a blank sheet to work with opens up more possibilities and feels right, but also leaves us vulnerable and temporarily without any specific direction...


Our final guests ever arrived into the chalet this afternoon, fitting that they were also one of the first ever guests here back in 1982 when the people who built the chalets still owned them...they brought photos too...
it is the end of an era...

and we're out tonight, to a moulin rouge themed party and need to liven myself up a little before getting into my red petticoated number for what is likely to be a trip down memory lane...

Time to dust off the cobwebs and see if perhaps I can do more than just the Can-Can!!

Tagged again...

this time by Dana about my reading habits... which vary hugely depending on what else is going on at any one time....

My Reading - Reading is a pleasure and sadly has become one of life's luxuries... a luxury because I disappear into my own world, and the times when I can do that now without causing disruption to the family are limited.
Holidays are precious, in part because I am free to read guilt free, and can read fiction as opposed to books relating to work. Over the years I have read in fits and starts, and as a student, my reading apart from the text books was fairly limited to the Nursing Times and Cosmopolitan magazine.... I was far too busy having fun most of the time to read and too exhausted the rest of the time...
That said, I think if you love reading it never leaves you.
I often have a list of books I want to read and more than one book in progress at any one time.




Total Number of Books Owned - I honestly haven't a clue - we have bookshelves full around the house and boxes of books in the garage and loft that have never been unpacked...
I keep hold of some that are important to me and others I give to charity in an attempt to keep on top of the space issue. I like the idea of books travelling to various places and being shared...I think I'd like that if I were a writer...

Last Book Bought - Beauty The invisible embrace by John O'Donohue

Last Book Read - Mother's milk by Edward St Aubyn

Currently reading - Love in the time of cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, A perfect life by Raffaella Barker, and Anna and the black knight by Fynn

Five Meaningful Books - It's hard because the more I think the more spring to mind, so first thoughts will have to do.... The magic faraway tree was a favourite when I was young and then I remember being especially enthralled by The secret garden

Skallagrigg by William Horwood made an impression somewhere in between the text books and nursing times and is one book I wish I had never lent to anyone...

Rosie Thomas and Maeve Binchy were comforting easy to read fiction authors I would retreat to when life was stressful and I returned home to the safe haven of my childhood bedroom when I was at college.

Then as a parent, so many books have been meaningful - Dr Seuss stands out and is well loved - again several of his have wandered off and had to be reordered... any books that can inspire and nurture the desire for children to read just have to be classed as meaningful...

The Mercy of thin air By Ronlyn Domingue, The lovely bones by Alice Sebold and The five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom are books I haven't been able to put down once I picked them up, though I detect a theme running through them there...

Recently I discovered Mister God this is Anna and wish I had picked it off the shelf earlier.
I have also enjoyed reading Anne Lamott for the first time, sometimes touching raw nerves and stopping me in my tracks... tears can catch you unawares at the most unexpected moments...

Interspersed with the informative and meaningful I like to have the light hearted and easy to read, a rest from thinking and an escape. I think they are valuable too.


I'm not sure who I'm tagging..... it's late and I'm off to bed... if I can make a decision tomorrow I will, but if you'd like to be tagged please consider yourself 'it' :)

Better late than never... it's been a busy few days...
I'm finally tagging

Still one pedestrian Caroline
Journey through grace Jayne
Jeff at Sharp yellow pencil
and Niki

though of course it's only voluntary but I'd love to read your thoughts

Bedtime earlier tonight...

It made my heart beat slower and deeper, and my soul want to reach out and hold him ~ hold them both ~ close to me...

an overwhelming knowing, a rare glimpse of the unquestionable love that just is, total and complete for ever, a moment of transparency, of luminescence....
sat cuddling my son, draped, long limbed, over my lap, even though he is now as tall as me and his feet are way bigger than mine, just before bedtime, on the sofa... the same sofa I would sit and nurse him as a baby in my arms...

sometimes in the chaos there are perfect moments that are beyond my comprehension, I can only wonder at them and where they come from, and be thankful....

The middle name game

I've been tagged by Jayne at Journey Through Grace to play the middle name game. The name of the game is to:

List one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.


I couldn't find anything fancy to decorate my letters with like Jayne, so it'll stay plain and simple...

J could be for jewellery, the girly side of me who likes to make and create and decorate myself, or it could be for juggling everything that needs to be done or attended to every day.

A for Africa, a dream I have had since I was about six to work there, and the reason I wanted to nurse in the first place, or for animals that seem to find us, or that I get roped into looking after whether or not I want to...

N for nosey, curious, always wanting to know more... a quest to fill gaps in my knowledge... or it could be for Nurse... a nosey nurse :)

E for energy, without it I am hopeless, and of which I now have greater reserves thanks to the summer, or extraordinary, ordinary events...the unexpected little things that make every day interesting or exciting and that make me sit up and take notice of the beauty that is around me every day




Ok, so now I'll tag:

Beth at Grace every day

The lovely Mr Tumnus

Rollercoaster Caroline

and Shaz at dare to dream

my wicked side...

dark, dingy, smoky, buzzing, noisy bars, loud music, snakebite, cider and black, ale... whisky and beer, real, earthy, let it all out, life is for living atmosphere....

pubs and bars I remember from a few years ago now...
real "what if my mother could see me now" moments.... yet being so far away she couldn't - and thank god for that.... but hey, life was fun.

it still is, it's just different...

At the gym tonight I scrolled through music to really work out to...

as I turned up the volume on some old guns n' roses I was taken back to those times - it was a tough work out... and it felt good.

tuned into my slightly wicked side... and with R on board too, I am now sporting newly dyed and highlighted hair (helped by R as I couldn't manage the highlights alone) and a temporary painted tattoo... :) if I hit on a design I like then maybe it'll become permanent ~ till then, which is the far more likely option, I'll keep on experimenting.

sometimes I miss those days.. and nights...

oh and I always wonder what other people are listening to on their ipods at the gym... and what their wicked side is...

Hope you like the new decor - just fancied a change...

bit busy here, will return soon, x

Wish I knew why...

I woke up feeling out of sorts,
nothing terrible wrong in my world,
just not quite right
the stomach ache that stopped me getting to to the gym,
the invite we can't afford to accept,
the friends birthday I'll miss,
feeling sensitive and knowing I shouldn't,
shut out and alone, misunderstood, observing,
seeing the sun shining and not knowing how to join in
losing my direction and not knowing what to do

thinking logically and then dismissing logic
because I don't feel like being logical.
logic makes no sense,
only feelings make sense
and then I don't understand
how a feeling can be blue
but it is...

please don't worry, there's nothing wrong,
not when there are so many other big issues in the world,
even I can see that,
it's just the moon and stars aren't quite aligned today,
severe talkings to, kicks up the bum, shaking myself, not sure any of them would do any good...

some days there's just no accounting for feelings....

I have never been a football supporter as such, but in this house it would be hard to ignore a young lad's passion and enthusiasm for the mighty Liverpool, and so we follow their ups and downs, and cheer and console at appropriate times and strangely I do get drawn in by it all...

So when we heard that Liverpool legends such as Bruce Grobbelaar, John Barnes, Jason McAteer, Ian Rush, Michael Thomas and Gary McAllister and others were coming over to play a local team it was too good an opportunity to miss. Names I do recall from not so long ago...

The date was set for last night and they wanted mascots and people to take part in a penalty competition at half time
I managed to secure tickets, and R was offered the chance both to be a mascot, and to take a penalty...




He came home with a stack of memories and a signed ball from sportsmen who were approachable and fun, who appeared to enjoy their game and last night at least didn't take it too seriously... if Grobbelaar monkeying around on the bars and walking on his hands was anything to go by!

And if and when my attention wandered from the game it was lovely to observe how fit and toned these men still are...

It's that time of year - we've exhausted the plums and the damsons and now we're onto the Bramley apples...or rather the children are...

scrumping from my parents orchard to sell on our hedge - an easy way of supplementing pocket money and having fun too.

I remember planting it with my Dad, along with many other trees when I was about their age, and we would spend many evenings walking round, chatting and looking after them as they grew. Now it's wonderful to see my children playing in their garden, my old playground... and climbing trees that were only a few feet high when we planted them...

now that does kind of make me feel older than I really am....

I was sad to see though, that something seems to be attacking many of the fruit trees and making them very sick, all apart from the bramley that is, which seems to be ok at the moment......
not sure what it is - and my parents are away. I'm sure they know.... just hope it's treatable, it would be very, very, sad to lose the orchard.

A gift

It is so rare, amidst the chaos and bustle of life, I have been granted time to myself.. to do...whatever... whatever I want...

R is at work, the children are at school, I have cleaning and washing and ironing and shopping, oh and then there is gardening and, if I fancied it, decorating to do..and the list goes on and on...

but it seems foolish ( or you could read selfish!) to not use this time, so precious and valuable, so rare, to be still, to please me, to listen to what I want to do... because in a few hours this bubble of tranquility will be shattered when they all come home...

So I have granted myself permission to let myself be - too often we are juggling to fit things in, we make sure all the essentials are done and then there is never time for the extras... today is my day for those extras.. but it still feels like I need permission, a let out clause from the every day chores...

however, with permission granted to myself... I am free to visit a friend, free to browse through the shops and now free to sit and read and catch up with a cup of Earl Grey. Then I have a book I'm wanting to start and some exceedingly nice wine to search out - we borrowed a bottle from my parents yesterday while they are away and I now have a desire to stock up our wine rack and replace their bottle at the same time...

The house is peaceful, it's a gorgeously sunny day, the windows are open and I'm soaking up beautiful music from Sarah Masen "Magic that works" as I type, that arrived a few days ago.

Perhaps it all seems sweeter for the trauma of the past week, I don't know.

A day of grounding, of being still before launching off into life again...

Am thinking that this is what it feels like to stop the world for a while... you wouldn't want it every day, well perhaps just for a while each day... but I do know that I've LOVED every moment of doing and being and choosing exactly how I've spent my precious time today, and I have absolutely no idea when I'll get a chance like this again!

Today brought good news... huge relief but also reeling from the past couple of days and processing where we've been...
bodies change and grow and this was part of it, part of the process...

so we're almost back on the planet again... and steadying ourselves and saying thank you a million times over...

and thank you for your thoughts and prayers...

in other news we also welcome the latest addition to our household...

Houdini the hamster...

the children's present to their Dad for his birthday....nothing quite like buying a present you want yourself for someone else and then sharing it :)

First impressions are that he is a slightly off the wall kind of guy, a bit kamikaze as he flew off the kitchen table at great speed, fortunately landing on the chair - and an expert at escaping - he demolished the carrier box they gave us by the time we arrived home and is very active and busy... with a glint in his eye that spells trouble ahead..

oh and ever so slightly, just a tiny bit, cute...

the adventure starts here...

what a night!

Thanks Jayne for your comment, sorry I had to take the last post down for a need to try and focus on more positive thoughts...

Guess this is just the way life goes....
I was busy typing up a post about R junior's first proper day at school, how well it had gone, how much fun he had had and how he was welcomed by some of the year above as R 'the legend'... I hadn't realised that, although of course we think that highly of him , he had earned such respect, albeit only on the playing field, from his peers and those in the year above him, but I am sure it will make the transition from one school to the next far easier, and for that I am incredibly grateful...
the latin lesson hadn't come to pass thankfully, though we wait for it next week.... the very words amo, amas, amat, or dominus, domine, dominum... bring a certain trepidation with them.....the romans and sextus slaying goodness knows who...
I thought I had escaped the lion's den the first time when I was finally allowed to give it up... now it's time to face it again and I have no reason to suspect that R or S will find it any easier than I did, though admittedly they may...

Most of the day I have spent in distraction mode waiting to find out how the day had been....

and then in the middle of me typing..... the unthinkable........ one of the children reports they have a lump somewhere they shouldn't, we check, it's there... and however hard we try the fear keeps rising...

possibly the worst fear I have ever felt... no, make that certainly...

I have never been so completely and utterly terrified in my life... whilst keeping a calm exterior and being totally logical...

we reassure, we make plans for doctors appointments... with anxiety from the kids because they don't want to ruin their Dad's birthday tomorrow with going to the doctor ( birthday's feature higher on the scale than doctor's appointments in my children's lives..!)
....and I do what I need to... I phone my Dad...

not sure how much sense I make...but I know he's always there...
my Mum is too... but my Dad has the relevant medical knowledge...a blessing and a curse...but that's another story to be written in the history books of our family...

Tonight it is indeed a blessing... the phrase 'rare as hen's teeth' makes an appearance...I sure as hell never want to see any hen's teeth...
but we'll get it checked any way...
words can't take me through tonight really...

am so relieved and yet still so shaken...

it always happens to other people....and then you realise it can happen to you...and it makes me feel so small and scared....

and what is really truly important is right here in front of me...
It's been a tough night...

and tomorrow we will hopefully get the reassurance we need...
not forgetting how good today had been until then...

back to health and back to work...

latest tests confirm that the summer and lots of iron and red wine and good food and some rest have worked their magic and returned the body back to good health...
whoops of joy that the recent surges of energy are not imagined but have their roots in something more physical...
Incredible that such a simple deficiency can make you feel so feeble, and totally wretched, and incompetent at just living, and yet it can be rectified easily by an awareness to detail and a degree of nurturing and caring...

perhaps just caring enough to feed the body, instead of ignoring it's needs and merely relying on it not to give up...


as I face the return to work, so R junior starts at secondary school... am praying his first days are as uneventful as my first day back was today... we try to quell the nerves and anxieties but it's not until we're through it that we know whether they were justified concerns or not...

and so new school shoes are bought and the flip flops are (nearly) put away... signs that lazy days of summer are starting to fade...

So many beautiful words and thoughts, phrases and quotes written in the margins or tucked at the top of blogs I visit regularly that become familiar and are so easy to overlook...
and so many beautiful moments all around, waiting to be lived...


"Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out"

I like that...lots...

from Shaz at 'dare to dream'
an inspiration and my newest entry in my sidebar :)

figments of our imagination...

Until I became a parent, I hadn't realised the very fine line between childhood magic and fantasy, and deceit...

Of course there is a F*ther Christm*s...and a t**th fairy...
my husband introduced me to the E*ster b*nny too....!

but once you have made friends with these very real figments of our imagination how do you deal with them....?

There have been times when, as a very tired stand in M*ther Christm*s, I have been very tempted to just leave it up to the real one to sort the presents out...and let me get some decent sleep in the knowledge I will be woken at some unearthly hour anyway... but that seems slightly too risky to be feasible...

and now I am being let down very badly by the t**th fairy for similar reasons...
It would appear that she is seriously shirking her responsibilities and not coming to my rescue as I am now flunking my t**th fairy exams, or more accurately continuous assessment, in spectacular fashion.... good intention doesn't get the job done...neither does sitting watching a film with a very nice bottle of wine and falling into bed without a second thought for the tooth so carefully placed under the pillow...

escape plan A has worked a couple of times in the middle of the night when a distressed child has woken us to say she hasn't been... again... turns out the window has been firmly closed and so obviously she couldn't get in, open the window and by the morning all will be well....

escape plan B is in progress......

how does anyone keep on believing in a fairy who is so bad at her job....?
well this one is fairly sure she has been rumbled... but no one is saying...

she tried not playing for a while, but got told off....
she has considered asking if they still believe but then that would shatter an illusion... and illusion and fantasy and magic are fun.....and it might just leave her exposed as a fraud...
is this a time for confessional moments....
but who says it's just fantasy anyway?

which leaves her sitting nicely in the middle of nowhere.... a guilty fraudster conned by the child in her that can't let go and wants to keep the dream alive.... yet failing miserably ~ it really is quite hard to be a good fairy.... and even harder not to be one at all...

(and whats the betting that some child googles this despite my efforts
- do I need more *'s ?)

*actually looking at the size of those roots in baby teeth, I think the tooth fairy would be pretty mean not to give generously... *

As happens with big days and events, it takes a while for them to sink in, at the time there is so much activity and energy and focus on bringing it all together that it's a buzz.... lived through and experienced, but digested later...

there was a huge amount of excitement from the kids and anticipation, and in the end it's not the float as much as the experience that made the day...

Size was irrelevant... it looked good, and when we had the banner and the kids and they were giving out sweets and stickers, and had decorated t shirts, the inflatable bananas and music accompaniment, we certainly weren't going to be overlooked...

They were proud of their work and rightly so.... involved in every step of the process they claimed it as theirs - which was fantastic... and despite some nerves, they shone....numerous photo opportunities as we went around the arena.. and then onto the night time illuminated parade too...

nerves seemed to have faded by the evening....and together with a carnival like atmosphere they were on a high...

They did in fact win their category and would have won a trophy had it not gone missing, but that didn't seem to matter too much...
A memorable day for all the right reasons...and hopefully remembered by many others, not just by us....

and it never rained... :)

am equally as pleased that the weather has stayed bright for those in my sidebar and others who are away at the greenbelt festival....am certain the weather doesn't make it.... but I'm sure it helps....

small with big ideas...

I know it's never wise to compare yourself to others...
oh we were so proud of our efforts....we've looked after it and put in hours of work...
even got up early so the roads were quiet to take it to the park...

honestly it looked big when there was nothing to compare it to....
now all we can do is laugh at our big ideas, our grand delusions... how foolish...
we have laughed and laughed this morning....

our tiny float sitting next to it's bigger flashier neighbours....

"at least we've got blow up bananas" the children are saying - oh and lots of people to make noise, and sweets... (perhaps bribery helps)... and music... maybe if you make a lot of noise it gives an appearance of being bigger than you really are... we have all the trimmings...

it's fun, it is what it is... there's pure quality under that small exterior.... who says that size is important anyway?...

the small float with big ideas.... waving the flag for fair trade ...

more to follow later...

motivation has been in decline and I think I could quite easily ease into a new comfort zone of relaxation and little work, late nights, late mornings good food and wine and general self indulgence.... thats holidays for you...

the reality of life beyond holidays is all too close...and today I broached both health and work issues...

on top of that we worked solidly on the float, which is now as ready as it can be until it is assembled at the last minute tomorrow.. photos to follow I promise...
and having just finished putting the final flowers on it and arrived home, the heavens opened....

hopefully it will survive it's night wrapped in tarpaulin and if it rains on the parade tomorrow it will be a soggy mess...along with lots of other soggy messes....

in need of rejuvenation and escape I headed down to the beach and the family followed... we walked along the shore,climbed over rocks, looked in rockpools, and paddled at the waters edge.... the sun went down and then reappeared just in time to set..
I loved the reflections and the almost surreal, ethereal feel as we watched the sun go down...

time for bed...

Because...
it's good to focus on other things sometimes... and it's easy, well it is for me anyhow, to get caught up in stuff thats likely going to happen whatever and however, and has had plenty of time spent on it already...
and because when I get caught up in all those things I miss others...




Yesterday S disappeared into the garden - "I'm going to pick flowers" she said....
Next thing we knew there was a huge clatter in the conservatory...
"It's ok - it's only water...I'm clearing it up..." she called through to us
I resisted the urge to go and check - she was calm and controlled - I should be able to let her deal with situations and trust she is old enough not to need me to clear up her mess...

the reward...
a vase full of beautiful flowers I hardly realised were out there...

There is nothing quite as beautiful as a gift from the heart to ground me and make me realise whats important... every time I look at them...

Oh for a child's simplicity...

Sparks, lights and Sundays...

Lazy Sunday mornings....a fading memory of student days long gone when staying in bed reading the Sunday papers or recovering from the night before were just what happened...

When I was little we always went to church - and you know what - it was always fun....
people seemed happy to be there and Jesus was a cool guy who we all wanted to know more about and learn to be more like...
the priest was fun... he even wore Jesus sandals and would come round for cups of tea...and he played rugby....
It felt like a family and I really did look forward to sundays...
one week I stayed over with some friends of ours and went to church with them...it was different but still good fun....
I grew up saying night time prayers and wanting to be a nun ....but then we all emulate those we admire I suppose.

It was as if all the lights were on and I wanted to know more....

Then gradually things changed... the priest changed, I moved school, people became very serious and I was told I had to go to confirmation classes... it became very dictatorial and prescriptive and the lights started to go out.. one by one.... in fact this quiet calm compliant girl really shook the boat when she refused to be confirmed because she didn't know what she was being confirmed into, and whether she wanted to...or WHY she was supposed to believe what she was told she should believe in.... the priest even came out for that one... ;)
oh and somewhere along the line - much earlier on, I had also had a change of heart on the career front...a wise choice in hind sight I think...

however, logic prevailed... I gave in and was confirmed...but the lights stayed very dim for a long time...

In London the church near the tube would sometimes leave it's doors open... and when Mum was ill I would pop in on my way back from work and again, very gradually, the lights started to come on....

Then when we wanted to get married we were told we had to attend more classes.... I was in love..and we wanted to marry, so we had to attend...I put on my very best grin and bear it face and we got through - they thought I really enjoyed it...I was always happy....!

lights are fading again....

There was a virtual eclipse when, after several miscarriages they told me they wouldn't baptise R if he was born prematurely unless we attended yet more classes....

what is it with this national obsession....?

however, as they were being very kind to us they managed to squeeze us in to a full course, although it wasn't really the norm....I didn't smile throughout those classes...
anyhow, R arrived two weeks late... so it turned out to be a lot of fuss for no good reason...

We were spared classes when S was born... though they would have liked us to...

there were more classes for us, not just for R and S for their first communion....

and soon R is going to be asked to attend a two year long course of confirmation classes....

I don't want to inflict my stuff, my issues onto him - perhaps they'll be fun... it just seems nothing changes... when did we lose sight of the cool guy I loved as a child - who helped me through in London, who has sat with an arm round me on many dark nights and reassured me all would be ok somehow......and who I still believe in and want my kids to love too.... when will the church start turning lights on instead of off... leaving doors open instead of keeping them locked unless you pick up the key on your way out of the class with your certificate and badge... one of the elite who has been allowed in...

so I search for ways to turn lights back on....

church doesn't really do it for me though I want it to... really want it to....but gradually there are sparks ignited by people I have met.. and books I have read that I had never heard of before... and certainly even if I had heard of them I doubt I'd have read them... not in the dark anyway...

I have to thank blog land for some of these sparks... gradually I am reading, digesting, rarely feel able to comment - am not qualified to comment or even to have an opinion most of the time...well ok I am qualified to have an opinion - just perhaps not such an informed opinion as I'd like....

so please keep those book recommendations out there and keep writing, making me think more and question, and reconcile some of the wondering with the awe I felt as a child...

the sparks are helping and keeping me going :)