Happy Birthday Sam

9 years ago we waited expectantly to meet the new addition to our family - to finally greet the living being that had kept us up at night and was due to keep us up for many more nights to come - she arrived at 22.05
The child who has always been "sunny from the inside out", who dances her way through life and no doubt will leave a colourful imprint on many peoples hearts. A girl with attitude, who is compassionate and loving,


Happy Birthday Sam

This years creation was Rocky the rabbit :-)



and finally, just because it's not in me to give up on something - last years ( now inedible) Brambly hedge :-)


Tonight we can finally sit comfortably in the living room, instead of in the kitchen while I model tiny pernickity bits of mice!

However, before we get to that stage it is imperative that as many of the Birthday gifts as can be, get properly looked at or used.
This leads to the discovery that the pink plastic ties needed to attach the pink bike basket to the bike have been accidently thrown away - fortunately the bin men haven't been since last night and so we can retrieve them from the old bin bag.
This also reminds us of the numerous times we have had to search for lost items, always in the last bin bag to be searched - and also that, in rummaging, there is a strange sensation of reliving past evenings and events, pieced together by the rubbish they have generated - though I have to say, out of choice, memories and photos are far preferable!

House guests and a pleasant surprise

My Mum always said that house guests were like fish - after three days they start to go off.... that sounds harsh, but I know what she means..... to a degree -

living with people can be hard, sharing spaces and putting up with foibles and mood swings - especially with many different personalities.
However, with such very good friends to stay life is easy, relaxed, happy - normal children's squabbles but the place is so easy going it feels as if we're having a holiday aswell.
It's wonderful to see S with his boys, a fantastic father, and they are thriving on the love and stability he gives them - they have had some huge changes over the past couple of years and it reminds me that it is possible for children to come through a divorce and be well adjusted, happy and secure.



On another note we witnessed something we never thought would happen today - we have several neighbours, but from the outset one of them has been consistently obnoxious and rude at any opportunity - we suspect several resaons for this, but consistent verbal abuse and calls meant that when little R would lose balls over the hedge into his garden we would rarely see them again - it was very hit and miss, although we kept on persisting, as balls seem to have a way of migrating naturally to his garden instead of to any others.
Today, yet again, a ball went missing over to his garden, we expected the usual difficulties, yet to our amazement we were told we could go and collect them any time as long as we closed the gate behind us... a small thing but will make life so much easier. I have no idea what made him change his mind, but am truly thankful for small mercies :-)

Paddling pools

It was, all told, another full day, buoyed up by those around me - a paddling pool filled - far more than just a paddling pool in honesty - much pride has gone into sorting levels and adjusting it with sand to prepare the area first - we're not planning on refilling this one often - it has it's own filter so all being well it should be ok for a while - it was real team work, rewarded with a cool dip afterwards.
There has been ongoing debate about justifying such a pool with the sea a few minutes away - but considering how many days we are stuck here not able to go to the beach, it was far too irresistable...
plus children and water mix well I find :-)



Massive amounts of water needed to fill it have also prompted conversations between us as a family, children included, about this valuable resource - the cost of water, availability and some appreciation of it in terms of other communities in the world where water is not so readily accessible....
I am often heard reminding them to turn off taps, yet seeing it in quantity makes so much more of a visual impact... perhaps a consciousness will remain with them about this as they get older - I hope so


Barbeques seem the ideal way of cooking with so many living here, and the focus of activity is definitely outdoors...

The children have played, laughed, and generally had a ball together in the garden - its what childhood summers should be

Roll up, roll up....

Tonight we had booked for the circus, if indeed that is what it was....not being up on definitions of exactly what a circus is that is...
but it was in a tent, had a clown, a couple of acrobats and a lady who swung on a golden moon from the ceiling

Our guests and some friends we had invited, a few other people ringside, and a few performers - quieter than I expected, but we were out, and open minded to the end - it was a most surreal experience in an "I don't quite believe we are sitting here watching this" way... in many ways childishly simple

To fully describe it wouldn't do it justice... however, for all its simple formula we had the most wonderful evening, we laughed till tears were streaming down our cheeks at some parts - grown men completely dissolved in tears of laughter too.
It's so good to laugh like that.

The kids loved it and have been practicising diablo since we returned. I am sure we'll have to unearth the unicycle from the garage tomorrow, though we won't be setting ours on fire! (the fire stunts were definitely the highlight of the show)

Its a real shame in many ways that this will be the last year this 'circus' runs - it has something very special, unique, that more polished performances wouldn't necessarily have - a family feel show that can no longer compete...

And at the end of today, still no answers, but we do have one of my best mates here to stay with his two boys

it's great to see him, his kids and ours get on well...

all three of them a blessing

Muddling through or not...

Some days the seeming fact that however hard we try, some things just stay the same really gets to me - am frustrated that time and consequence has failed to change certain things, certain peoples reactions and feelings.

This morning I hit virtual screaming point at some peoples selfishness in having children and then not bothering - and that is the right word, not bothering what happens to them - and I have struggled so hard to not be judgemental - perhaps it's not for me to question why, apart from it is so blatent it's impossible to ignore...

Recently I have been preoccupied with unbloggable things - have been reminded what a godsend the incidental happenings and so called trivia are in helping us cope and get through dark days

I wandered into church in town earlier today - had the feeling that if only I could just stay there I could be safe and secure and it would all work out ok, but I couldn't, so, prayers said, I had to face the day...

Perhaps the best any of us can do is muddle through - it's all one big muddle really

Plums for sale...

Selling produce on the hedge is commonplace here - something for people to drop their money in and you can shop as you drive around the island...
since we have an abundance of plums - and pears to follow, the kids came up with the idea thay could do this and earn extra pocket money - I remember doing it as a kid with peaches and grapes - and I could identify so very much with their excitement when they found people had actually stopped and bought from us!!!!
12 bags of plums, 10 in each - the general public are 120 plums better off and our tree is 120 plums lighter - and thankfully we haven't had to eat 120 plums :-)
They have also more than doubled their pocket money in one day....

Hubby wanted to title this "hold your plums" but that's just an in family joke !

On being cared for...

The dilemma - all I wanted really was for someone to care, to ask how I was, thank me for what I had managed to achieve, and give me encourgement...

Just before the holiday I phoned Winston's wish to say thank you to them all for their support over the last four+ years - they are a brilliant team of people - and amend contact details, when this really lovely man actually asked me "has anyone said thank you to you?"

It felt to me as if I must have been moaning...

He just called me back to check on how I was, on how things were going - and you know what ? ~ now I feel guilty....

He's lovely but surely he has better things to do than call me?
It's not always that easy to let ourselves be cared for ~ it feels strange....

Just recently little S has been picking us flowers for the house - it's beautiful.
I love the fact that it's a gift she has chosen to pick, with love, more I'd say than the flowers themselves.

12 hours sleep

Bliss..............

:-)

Home sweet home

So we're back, ever so slightly tired from battling flying ants and dripping ceilings, sleeping in sofa beds, on blow up mattresses and bits of foam!

It was, despite the sleeping arrangements, a lovely holiday, excellent weather, am more tanned than previous years and the waterproofs weren't required for once...

Am aware I am tired but can't help thinking that holidays are just a good way of burying my head in the sand ...... no papers for a week, now I am reluctant to even look at the local one - perhaps I'll feel up to the real world tomorrow - or maybe I won't! :-)

Escape

Escaped last night to Herm for some peace and tranquility, a short boat ride away, no cars, a place where we have always felt we could just be us... somewhere where suddenly time doesn't matter, when the kids were little we could walk at their speed, taking time to examine every flower if they wanted, appreciating just being away ~
I step off the boat and as I walk I feel I can breathe so much more freely - there is a peace that comes from within, absorbed from just being there, for me it is magical, and always has been, since holidays when I was small.....

It's not for everyone but time to just be are too few and far between and I treasure the moments we spend alone as a family.

When I was little we stayed in the hotel, after 'A' levels we all crammed into tents and camped, now we stay and fend for ourselves, self catering, in a beautiful apartment, upper keep, as it sounds, the upper part of the keep, just below the flag on top of the island, so when we go outside we have panoramic views of all the islands around.

Sam was 11 months when we first went over and stayed.
They love going so much, and as she said last night, "it's easy really, you don't need much, just your family and friends..."
It really does seem that simple when we're there - one of those moments of clarity that I should hold onto for all I'm worth really - the wisdom of youth too.

We came back this morning for R to play football, and clean the chalets ~ a glimpse of reality I look forward to escaping from again tomorrow ~ I'd rather watch football than clean - and was excited as ever to see little R playing ~ I'm delighted his foot is healing well, it really was a deep hole, and must have been far more painful than he let on ~ anyway tomorrow will see us away finally, for good, on our holiday.

I haven't quite managed to leave the mobile behind, but do wonder if holidays were more holiday like before mobiles...

What the postman brought today :-)

Today we received some beautiful photos of R's sister's baby all the way from Melbourne - only minutes earlier the children and I had been talking about whether we would get any pictures - he was born at the beginning of June, and we hadn't seen a picture yet - though my parents had been e mailed some and we were being just a little sensitive about it all - brings me back to previous posting about families!! However, through the letterbox came a present for Sam - her birthday is looming fast, and some lovely pictures of baby F - am now feeling just slightly guilty for even considering jealous thoughts and feeling left out - patience is a virtue I am sadly lacking in so many situations

And the other news the postman brought was that the dreaded swimming lessons are paying off and Sam is moving up a level - it's all progress - and I am gradually putting my guilt over my failings in the swimming arena away!

The return of the blue plastic!

Summer has arrived in our garden - improvisation rules here - the heat has led to the yearly return of the blue plastic sheet and hosepipe, which frequently turn this part of the garden into a huge homemade waterslide, complete with bouncy rubber rings, sufboards, children and adults!

The only problem is there appears to have been something sharp under a part of it which tore a hole in the sole of little R's foot - not great when he is playing an important football match in 2 days, for which we are actually coming back from holiday for -holiday is only 15 mins boat ride away but still it's away! He'd be devastated not to play - against Everton minis, it's important, ;-)

And finally...

So, finally the last call for support, help, advice has been and gone - I finished my meeting, checked the phone and it's cut off, that's it.... what of the person who is trying to call right now - who didn't call sooner because she was just making a coffee before she made that call......

That is why I am sad, sad that people couldn't see, couldn't hear, didn't listen - and now it's gone.... I pray and trust that the huge gaping hole left that I couldn't totally fill, but something was a whole lot better than nothing, can be properly looked at and filled - am harbouring hopes from conversations I have had with various people about what is lacking, what people ask for...... but in the end it's not up to me completely

In some ways it's a relief after the messy past few weeks..... and I don't properly finish until Tuesday, so can quietly get on with typing and reports that are needed.

It is just........ final

sad but not devastating - I can't get rid of that glimmer of hope that has been there all along........I don't even have a good reason to have it, but it's there, so maybe although this is final, it's not totally over .

A magical mystery tour..

An afternoon spent in my parents garden - a garden I helped plant several hundred trees in when I was about 7 or 8. It's evolved and developed since then - greenhouses have come down, tree houses put up, drainage ditches dug and boggy areas reclaimed as grass. Its a wonderful place with football goals and a trampoline - a garden where children can run and climb and play, and dogs can be free - it's not pristine but is truly beautiful. Last years Christmas tree is growing well, the childrens chestnut and horse chestnut trees we planted from the chestnuts and conkers when they were just born, are now taller than they are. It's peaceful and quiet and great for bird watching.
Today both children happily mowed the lawn under the watchful eye of my Dad - taking it in turns to drive the sit on mower - a practicality with the size garden they have.
Back in their garden I am a child again - the adventures we had as children - discovering treasure - old coins before the vegetable garden was turned into the orchard - collecting all the fallen branches after storms and making dens with them, climbing trees and making tree houses in our minds as we didn't have the fantastic home made tree house my children have now.
There are trees remembering special people - including our dear friend who helped design a garden that required minimal maintainance with maximum beauty - his imprint is all over it... so many plants of significance, gifts from various people
And then there is the old cart - over the years there have been plans to restore it - I'd still like to but do like it in it's old and ruined state........ the places we went and the stories we told sitting on/in that cart....

It is a magical mystery tour - a fantastic way to spend an afternoon :-)

Electrics seriously scare me...

I just thought we needed a new lightbulb, turns out this was behind the light right next to the roof lining - it's only a few years old, and done by a reputable electrician. Few things truly scare me but the idea of a fire in my house, that endangers my family, does........ thank heaven for fuses...

we are very, very, lucky people

Uniforms

Oh for a uniform............the number of times I gained strength from my uniform - hid behind it, looked in the mirror, really looked at me, at my silver buckle gained from years of hard work and exams, at my frilly hat - until they changed the uniform that is!
I took it all in - and believed in what I saw - none of that was given away - I earned it all...... yet still I would wobble - frequently - but I had my uniform to hang on to - something concrete that said I was ok, I knew what to do - and others believed in me because I looked the part ( I did actually know what I was doing - it's ok!)

now there is no uniform, no buckle, or frilly hat (St.Thomas's uniform was priceless!) I am thankful I have a team mate who understands when I wobble, who catches me when I have been unnerved by my fears and am retreating rapidly - who tells me I am ok and sets me right back where I need to be.

Perhaps I'm standing on my own two feet more now than ever before - but I still feel insecure at times, and lonely, and scared at times - what I'd do for a uniform, a mask, something to hide behind - just sometimes!

just now forgive me if I take shelter, away from the world for a while...
theres some persistent battle fire going on, and I'm catching it on all sides...

Rambling again.....

I was watching footage about July 7th last year, and it took me back, not just remembering where I was or where my friends were then, although obviously I did, but to a time when I would have been a part of the emergency services attending those involved...
I was lucky maybe that in my years in Accident and Emergency I was never actually part of a major incident - I missed The Herald of Free Enterprise sinking and the Kings Cross fires during my training and was at the wrong hospital when there was the Clapham rail disaster. However, we were trained for such incidents, and had I been there, I would certainly have been involved.
Now I hear an Ambulance and the adrenaline starts to pump, I hear of major incidents and I want to be there .....

I did let go of it, my life is full and rich, I'm at a different point, I was single then, free with no real reponsibilities to anyone but myself, now I am married with two wonderful children. I have been lucky to have another job I feel strongly about, but that training never leaves me....
It will always be a part of who I am.
Life changes, I think it's a case of letting go, yet not forgetting - something I need to do again - though my ties to A&E are far stronger than to the post I am just leaving........

I think it is true, life does have chapters, perhaps with recurrent themes running through them, but there is something about accepting what has been and not trying to rewrite it over again.

I have an application form on the table - the job I was waiting to be advertised - no guarantees I'll get it - and if I do we're still only half way to where we want to go....
it's a long way removed from A&E, less so from my most recent post, but it would be a new challenge and it would be moving forward ....

Family thoughts

Am thinking if we can manage to negotiate our way around own families then surely we can manage our other relationships? By family I don't just mean immediate family, but the family politics that seem to exist in most families I know - we try to make things as simple as possible, but I can't help feeling there are no more highly charged and judgemental relationships as there are in a family.....