How football is bad for the nerves

After several years of standing watching football on a Saturday morning... and sometimes Sundays too, I have seen tiny tots running around in chaos, develop and change into lads showing some signs of organisation, and occasional communication on the pitch.

Today was the semi final of an important cup between all the clubs on the island. It also meant that boys who had been playing on the same team last week representing their island, now played against each other on opposing teams.

Sam and I arrived at half time to find our team 3:0 up.....
Foolishly, oh so very foolishly..... I promised Sam we wouldn't have to stand for too long in the cold today.
The second half however saw the other team come back to equalise.
Many close calls, and valiant efforts later meant that even after 20 minutes of extra time it was still equal.
I could barely watch as the tension rose during the following penalties.... it was still equal.
Sadly they needed a winner to go forward to the final....
it was on to sudden death penalties - my football knowledge is minimal, but I am starting to get it slightly...

We watched as R came forward to take the next penalty.... I know why it is called sudden death...!

I forced myself to watch, and very thankfully he scored.... whatever happened after then, we had been spared an afternoon of gloom....

and then the icing on the cake... the goalie saved the next penalty and it was all over, R had won the winning penalty and saved the game for them...
you can't get closer than that!

Two hours after he had started, and an hour and a half after I promised Sam we wouldn't be long, we made our way home...

I wonder at the way football has wheedled it's way into my life, it has brought many blessings, and is now testing my nerves in ways I never thought it could...

If I dare, I will be at the final on April 24th....

People are so kind.... thankyou for your comments on my previous post, thay are much appreciated.

The Easter holidays are upon us now, and term finished for the children with the school disco..... S, as usual, was true to herself in a beautiful flowing skirt and t shirt, regardless of the other girls style.... long may her individuality shine and not be crushed by pressure to conform :)

R had an equally good time, as he strays into the territory of girls yet again....

Hormones are rife around this house, but the less said possibly the better.... enough that hygiene, deodorants and hair gel are in evidence.... I'll gloss over mood swings and attitude!

I do thank God profusely that I have R to support me as I feel very inept at this and incredibly protective over him - I may well hand over the reins to the male who knows, for fear of being way too overprotective. Perhaps I'll settle into it soon :)

Life has taken me away from many of the things that matter to me recently - which is why I am so pleased I was able to spend the afternoon with S sowing the seeds she had chosen a couple of weeks ago.
We worked, we chatted, we got our hands dirty, we even opened some stock seed pods I had saved from a few years ago, and sowed them too - I have no idea if they will come up or not.

A simple task, a promise fulfilled, and now we wait to see the results...

Once more I am reminded in concrete terms of how much the small things matter.
So much I can't do - but this wasn't hard, it just needed me to be there....... and time.
Sometimes that seems almost impossible.

The wizard...

We're back from seeing the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz... S had two performances at school today and another two tomorrow...

She was brilliant.... but then I would say that!

I now have catchy songs playing through my head... along with 'somewhere over the rainbow'!

I wonder what really lies at the end of the rainbow...

maybe all our childhood dreams?

Whenever I see children performing anything... or even just playing together, I love the way their energy just oozes out of them, and I don't ever want them to lose it...

I'm tired tonight - I've made it to the gym three days in a row and I'm waiting to feel revitalised...... it's a long time coming! I just feel achy and exhausted!

R has his school play on Monday - he's not that excited about it - but we DO have more football at the weekend.... the muratti which he is excited about - unfortunately he has been nursing an injured ankle - a collateral ligament injury since his game in Southampton, we're hoping he will be ok to play on the day....

Tomorrow is the first day of spring.

It's freezing ( though not quite literally) today, but the sun is shining and it looks wonderful, one of these days soon I will get out to carry on clearing the garden....

The past few days seem to have been mainly art related - which is satisfying and achievable... although deadlines are always stressful.... but because they are projects as opposed to commissions, I can be involved too....

a glass of wine and a paintbrush, some music and time together - life's not bad really! :)

Friday was spent concentrating on a large Irish landscape and rainbow for a St.Patricks day ball a friend was arranging, and much of Sunday was spent putting together the school display for this year's Eisteddfod. Yesterday after work I collected the remainder of the pieces to put up and added the final touches before R took the school inspector along to it today.

The school inspection has also played a major part in our lives recently - the build up and preparation for it... I can't understand why they don't just turn up and see what goes on in a normal day, although I suppose it's always nice to have advance notice of visitors.. there is a huge part of me that feels what they see is very contrived. Anyway... thats on this week and so far so good....

Perhaps Spring really is in the air - I woke with a compulsion to clear and sort.. and the piles of paperwork have diminished considerably...... though everywhere I look there is more to clear, and when that's done there is decorating to start.....

The plant is my mother's day present from the children... a citrus tree for the conservatory

We had a fantastic trip.

I haven't had that much fun in a long time - I know that sounds so sad, but it's true :)

The boys played magnificently and I was so proud, not just of Footballer R but of the whole team... they were truly a whole team.

Supporters were few from our island, but we made up for lack of numbers in our enthusiasm, and the team seemed pleased to have some support... my usual quiet persona completely changes when I'm on the side lines and I suddenly find my voice!

We only planned to turn up for their matches and it was pure coincidence that our paths crossed while shopping and after lunch on the way to the final match of the tour.

It was lovely to see R's face light up whenever we did bump into each other ~ it seems I haven't damaged any street cred yet!

Even my friend and shopping partner, S, who is a non footballing Mum was cheering them along with me at the last game.

Football aside, we shopped ~ I don't shop very often but soon got the hang of that too ~ and we ate and shared chocolate, managed to navigate our way to Newbury and Portsmouth feeling very Thelma and Louise like and rested our weary brains and legs watching Music and Lyrics at the cinema!

In a strange way something was happening ~ it could be called healing, hope, peace, space, warmth, love... who knows, medicine for a bruised soul ~ and as we turned to come back home from the last match I looked at the sky and took this picture.

It changes nothing, yet somehow we are given the tools to help us cope and take on the next challenge.

It was a very special, very precious trip.

The children's enthusiasm for various things is infectious.... why else would I end up going on football tour?
We are packed and waiting to be picked up to go to the airport.
The excitement is palpable, we have tickets, passports, and R junior has all his kit.
R and S will have a great time together. The Mother and son and Father and daughter split is rarely done ~ treasured time, although it has been made quite clear to me that these are boys on tour.... and parents, I imagine especially Mum's, are not really that cool.... so I will stand on the side lines, cheer them along and take my place... then disappear to shop at my leisure.... :)
R is fine about me being around - he likes the idea - I just hope he is still happy when we return....

It was a beautiful sunny day...

Loss, change, grief, familiar subjects to me both in theory and in life....

I once attended a conference entiltled 'Ordinary days, shattered lives'.... how true that statement is.

We can never know where it will come from or when... and when it does, it hits harder and deeper than anyone ever tells you.

Sometimes it is easier to not feel or think, just doing is the only way through....
Yesterday I spent just doing...and trying hard not to think.
Today I am in shock, stunned... all is ok... yet I am left reeling

I might not leave this up for long... yet without posting I'm not sure I'd find the words to come after it.

It is the gradual return to reality and normality....

I am ok, my family are ok.

Tomorrow I fly with R junior to Southampton on football tour.
Three days space and time to let me think again, and expand my world beyond those immediately surrounding me.
Right now my world feels very, very, small.

We dwell in possibilities that lie ahead....

so many things flying around my fuddled brain lately.
The migraine retreated but didn't leave completely.... enough to let me go out to a wine tasting, but not enough to let me taste any wine :(

I haven't given up alcohol for lent - somehow it seems to have given me up!

Now and again conversations about being true to ourselves, about only getting one go at this life and not having regrets, seem to surface. They are wise, well worn phrases that sit comfortably, quietly in the corner until something happens to give real meaning to the words.

Confronting us with the real challenge of finding a way of actually living out those ideals.

Somehow, and it's uncanny, yet, when these big questions come up we find ourselves faced with just the right people at the right time to help us sort out whatever dilemma is facing us.

Last night was one of those times, letting me glimpse even just small possibilities.

Strangely today, despite many questions and uncertainties, my soul feels soothed...

things work in mysterious ways.....

These are coffee beans all the way from Kilimanjaro, direct from the producer - a present from my friend, the one I should have been climbing with - the aroma is amazing, rich and deep and I know I need to buy a coffee grinder in the next few days......


We finally got together to look through her photos and catch up with each other, but at the end of the afternon we realised we really needed to make an evening of it soon...
I heard about the highs and lows, about sheer effort and willpower, and how hard it was to make each step on the last stretch towards the summit.

She showed me pictures of the man who owns this coffee plantation, and told me some of his story.
It was just enough, together with the pictures, to have a tiny glimpse of his life, so very far removed from life here....

Remarkable that we share the same planet yet live worlds apart.


This week I also met an apricot and walnut producer from Pakistan, who came over as part of fair trade fortnight. His story of how fair trade is transforming the lives of people in his community is truly inspiring.
It's encouraging to see the choices we make having such a positive effect, and humbling to hear his appreciation.

It really does make a difference, and I needed to hear that, just to remind me.

Staring out to sea from the window by my desk, looking beyond the buildings to the sea rolling in. Watching the sea change not just with the seasons, but daily, even several times a day, a vast expanse beyond my vision, the unknown... Such a familiar view, yet never constant.

Dreaming, hoping, longing, yearning...... praying perhaps, contemplating ...
The oceans, just as the sky and the stars, connecting somehow.

Today my thoughts focused on, and were very much with R junior while he was taking his exam.
Now it's over he is starting to relax.
Even the fact that Liverpool didn't win today hasn't had an adverse effect on his mood.... somehow he seems to have grown slightly older, slightly more mature, more together, in a matter of hours.
Perhaps it's what happens when we face our fears and come out the other side.
Perhaps it's just we rarely see it.

Happy Birthday ...

Eleven years ago R junior arrived, came to join us in this remarkable adventure...

the start of a new and interesting, challenging, rewarding, constantly surprising and love filled journey...

Today he was ill, but there was still room for cake and presents and wishes from various parts of the world :)

A splash of colour in the kitchen, picked from the garden with love....
a gift, so simple and so beautiful.

In the middle of a busy house, alive with birthday and exam preparations, and anxiety and anticipation, my children brought the perfect antidote ~ a smile, a reminder of love, and the promise of spring.

Today...

Wilful and mischievious - I just spent the best part of an hour cleaning out the bunnies, and whilst walking past heard some rather loud knocking and thudding coming from the cage... Rocky upending and rearranging my hard work!

caught in the act - totally covered in sawdust!

It was lovely to wander around the garden, mentally noting the extent of work to be done, and seeing the signs of spring everpresent amongst the debris of winter....

Stories, stories everywhere....

The course wasn't nearly as intense as the last one ~ a huge relief.

Instead those gaps were filled with chatter interlaced with stories.

After the first day the three of us, virtual strangers, who were staying in hotels decided on an evening together. Seeing as all the places to eat were packed, we ended up chilling out in the bar and sharing stories. Funny stories, sad stories, heart stories, unfair stories.... they flowed into one another, parts of history shared between us all. More stories were shared on lifts to and from the course venue. Some kind of bonds were formed, addresses and e mail shared. Perhaps, hopefully, paths will cross in the future.

Then, sitting quietly with a coffee and my book at the airport, I was observing those around me.

A couple who were sipping wine and drinking in every detail of each other, a lady who put in 50p for internet access to scour her e mails until she obviously found the important one ~ I wondered how long she got for her money and imagined it running out before she finished reading... and another lady who sat down by a computer momentarily, before getting up and sitting next to me. There were very few spaces to sit, and she didn't want to take space at a computer when she didn't want to use it. Shared travel stories ensued and developed into work and personal stories...

We were separated on the plane, but on the opposite side of the aisle was a young girl.

When we landed, I took down my bag from the overhead locker - a CBBC bag the children won in a competition when they were smaller. This prompted the girl to comment on it, apparently the logo has changed and she knew exactly which years the bag would have been from.... a trigger for her Mum to start chatting, and even more stories....


People do love sharing stories, almost need to share stories, need to have their stories listened to. It made me think too that everyone of us has a story to tell. Many, but not all, of the stories shared were sad stories. None of them really needed a response in terms of doing anything about them... they just needed to be told, and listened to...

Their value is in their telling.

A story at every corner...

and now I'm home...

and much to dwell on, think over and question, still the new girl in most areas of my life it seems, forever learning, forever questioning and forever not feeling quite sure - life on a wing and a prayer...

too many toes dipping in water testing the temperature

always something new to greet me...

The course was good though with many laughs, reminiscent of student days and time out for food and shopping, escaping the loved up couples on Valentines in the bar of one of the other hotels....

no exam whilst on this course, instead it's waiting in my bag, all sealed waiting for me to take later this week...

Shelter

Last night I was aware, in parts, of the storms and high winds howling around the eaves of our bedroom. In those moments I was so pleased I wasn't half way up a mountain.
Today is a day of shelter, taking stock of where we are at, what needs to be done and how to move forward.

I am enjoying listening to midlake, courtesy of the recommendation from LB, a large mug of freshly brewed coffee by my side. We have just been baking banana muffins and melting moments. The children have been asking for ages, and I've put them off again and again.... I guess half the fun is in the mess and the licking of bowls, but the children don't see mess, they just enjoy. I don't remember seeing it either when I was small....
Now the delicious smells from their creations are wafting through the house I do feel rather guilty for my tardiness..

Plans are afoot for exhibitions coming up soon. R has included me in his plans, a push forwards into new territory for me... I'm not used to being in view and am usually more of a background ideas person in this small team.... however, we'll see how things develop. There are lots of ideas floating around ....

Today I'm taking time to stand and stare...I'm not sure it is getting anywhere, but it feels good and necessary....

With more storms forecast for tonight, it's time to shelter quite literally and so, just in case the winds reach the levels predicted, we have even brought the rabbits inside...

and, just to remind myself, from school days...


What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies

Phenomenal

Tonight was Sam's dance concert. Last week the dance festival was all about competition, tonight was for fun, much freer ~ the joy of just dancing, art in motion. We sat transfixed for over two hours, even little R didn't mind....

the culmination of weeks of practice, anticipation, preparation, stress and anxiety, nervous butterflies, busy chatter...... all came together wonderfully.

Last week was polite and proud applause from the audience, all the while with an underlying tension and comments judging performance.

Tonight was heartfelt clapping, some cheering from friends, the occassional whistle even...

Mistakes were embraced, accepted, not criticised. The dancers knew they were among friends.

Makeup removed, tutus safely stored, hair accessories put away....

11.10pm and finally she is tucked up in bed ~ all danced out for now :)

Two years until the next one...

Full ....

My head is bursting......
information overload, sensory overload and emotional overload
Constantly being topped up.

the girls are off to Kilimanjaro tomorrow.......... go girls, go .... to the top :)
....or rather as far as they can....

sadness and mixed feelings.... I should be with them, but can't, and decided I needed to be with little R right now.....

we're all working hard together.
I'm away in Southampton next week, training again, and am studying hard.
Little R is on half term, but wanting work to do in the holiday ready for an exam he's got when he goes back...
a shift in his thinking and working that has been noted at school too.
As hard as I tried to stem them, tears were lurking when I heard about how far he has come in the past few weeks since Christmas...

Tears when they achieve and tears when they don't ...... the overflow of emotion....

The world is full of beautiful people, as Pip so rightly says...


Beautiful people who effect other people ~

Today a friend had a major operation off island. Fortunately prayers for surgeons with steady hands and clear sight were answered and anxiety was replaced with relief :-)

Beautiful people who send parcels to people they have never met,

Beautiful people who call to say they want to spend time in the Summer with you,

Beautiful people who share feelings, and worries, and thoughts, and laughter over coffee,

Beautiful people who smile and ask you what you think, who want to hear your ideas, and share theirs,

Beautiful people who wave as you pass in the car,

Beautiful people who let you in when they are grieving, and beautiful people who shut you out,

Beautiful people laughing, smiling, crying, hurting, loving.... feeling


Beautiful people everywhere, who make life special, and the ordinary.... extraordinary.