"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...No man is an island, entire of itself..."

John Donne

Some days it is far easier to feel connected to others, than it is on other days.
To feel a part of this huge crazy mixed up world.
In some ways to feel that we are significant, and that what we do, and how we act, how we talk and interact, the choices we make, that they do in fact matter.
That we can, and do, touch fingertips with people all over the place without even realising it, that we may not always see the imprint we leave on their lives, but it is felt every bit as much as their imprint is felt on our lives, and yet we so often fail to communicate what that means to us, for so very many reasons.
To see the world as small, instead of vast, to feel connected to those who are hungry, starving, in war zones, caught up in hurricanes and disasters of all kinds, even though they may be so far away from us geographically.

To feel that the small things we do, the gestures we make, although small on their own, when added to other people's, will contribute to making a difference somehow, to our environment or to someones life somewhere.

The same with our words, what we say and what we don't say, when we choose to speak and when we choose not to...

that it all somehow matters to someone somewhere.



On other days it is far easier to feel the disconnect, the insignificance, the aloneness, to feel, not even like an island, but a pebble at the shore of an island, to wonder what we can do, to question our value.

Some days I feel so small, and the world seems so vast, it is hard to imagine that my tiny life can have an impact on anyone. On those days it is easier to close the doors and concentrate on what is under my nose here, right now...
the pile of work still to do, the health issues that continue to plague this family, the lack of money, the family issues that predominate at weekends, all the stuff of my life, that doesn't totally blind me, but blurs my ability to view the bigger picture.

The world is big and yet the world is small, life has purpose and yet sometimes it feels as if it has none...some days I feel valued and others I feel insignificant, some days I feel a part of it, and yet on others the disconnect leaves me feeling ultimately all alone, surrounded by people, not sure of how they feel or how we connect, if indeed we connect at all...

sometimes the only connections palpable are those within me, God and the universe.

on some days that is scary, and on others it is strangely comforting.

On some days the disconnect predominates,

and on some days I think I need to know how that feels.

Yet some days the sun comes out, I am reassured, and I know I just have to trust.

Questions from today

What does 'good' look like?

Where does the dark go when you turn off the light?

What colour is a zebra without it's stripes?

Could we rephrase ADHD as - Active, Determined, High-curiosity Difference? (Jonathan Prosser)


I have plenty of my own questions after today too...

reminds me of a moment from Greenbelt when, in a different context, but just as relevant, someone said that perhaps you don't really find the answers, but instead you find the questions....

that is the search.

First days

'The future is not some place we are going to,
but one we are creating.
The paths are not to be found,
but made,
and the activity of making them,
changes both the maker and the destination"
John Schaar

We have had first days here.

S is now at senior school and taking it all in her stride, oozing far more charisma and confidence than I ever had. It's strange seeing her tread in my footprints, yet so very differently.

I had the luxury of yesterday to myself in my new job and then have been attending training all day today.
Some really useful and thought provoking insights came out of it, and some practical ideas which will be helpful.

Perhaps we are creating our future, although a part of me thinks that perhaps we merely take advantage of opportunities that we search out, or that come our way. I'm increasingly unsure about what shape that future is, but step by step and I'm sure all will be revealed in good time.

Today we looked at all kinds of things, including sleep, which I am fascinated by (don't get enough of it!) and dreams, and how the brain effectively processes unfinished emotional responses from the day through our dreams... makes me wonder about my dreams even more, such vivid and colourful night time adventures and ideas. I keep meaning to keep a diary but never do!

I'm not sure where I am at on the road to achieveing some of my long held dreams but know that one day they will come true.

We talked about motivation too... stories about what motivates people to do things, sometimes against all odds.
Inspirational.

Our journeys are fascinating. We journey together, and yet we journey alone.

I am looking forward to experiencing our dreams and I'm curious about the future, whilst trying to appreciate the present while it is here and real. Sometimes that is hard to do.

First steps are daunting, but full of promise, with just a few nerves still...

All men dream but not equally.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind awake to find it was only vanity.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men,
for they act out their dreams with open eyes to make it possible
TE Lawrence

And so we have an exhibition, rather R has an exhibition.

Right on the heels of Greenbelt ~ and after a long period of preparation.

An eclectic mix of 60 pieces of work with different meanings and stories behind them.
It's the stories behind the art that I love the most - very little has been done without a reason behind it, even if the reason is just fun, or just an idea. Some are more serious in nature although not immediately evident.

A mix of humour with the more serious. Different angles, different perspectives, imagination, more of the why not? than the why? ~ time to play, and things to make people stop and question

Which is the reaction we got when we were hanging it - it was SO good to hear discussions and reactions and debate and to cause a stir :) :) :)

People stopping and looking and not just walking on by.

There are few traditionally pretty scenes in there - although we were selective for the venue and included some which are intermingled with the rest ~
the venue being the local hospital.

One thing had to be brought back even though it was causing the most disturbance and I wanted it to stay - our lightbulb on a rock. Health and safety issues mean we have to cover it before we can have it on show. It is being worked on now....

We all have our favourites, and some I love for various reasons.

Mainly I love the ones I can feel just by looking at them that he enjoyed creating... not for the composition, but because they ooze something that says they have been crafted with love and care and say something about all the different aspects of him that need a way out :)

There are nowhere near enough venues for people to express themselves artistically here... but thats another post and might just be too much of a gripe to write it!

I'm curious to see how it is received too, will this place embrace something a little different from the norm? I wonder..

Regardless of that, and above all it's been fun...

Confused

There is a logic of men and boys that I am convinced will always be a mystery ~
at times compulsive and enticing, attractively ridiculous, that belies any reason,
that is without the dawning realisation moment that comes after a dubious action,
but faced with reality brings a blank yet quizzical look of total misunderstanding.


There are days I hardly recognise the world or it's logic, days that get stranger and more obscure as they progress.... (today being one such day)

I love having men and boys in my life, they add beauty and colour, zest and energy, and at times I adore their perspective, I just wish I could fathom them a little more... their behaviour can seem somewhat bizarre and erratic.

Yet I imagine they feel the same about me some days!

Summer loving

We came back from Greenbelt and hit the floor running.

I took down a post about heart shaped plasters...I wish heart ache could be mended that easily.
The feelings are real whatever age you are and friends have been a godsend, quite literally. I know over time my children will have their hearts broken more than once, and a part of me wishes they were the ones doing the breaking instead, but thats not how it works!
There are no words to describe the pain of seeing and being with someone you love so much and not being able to take their pain away. No heart shaped plasters in the first aid kit, just love...

In other news we have also hung R's exhibition, an eclectic mix of work, that caused quite a stir and much discussion ~ something I think art should do.
It was quite amusing to listen to various reactions to some of his pieces.
I am overloaded with photos right now - need to sort them out.. and it's late so the exhibition post will have to wait for another day :)

Love the repeats of sex and the city on sky....perfect to chill out to and send me to bed happy.

And in the background still the drip drip of Greenbelt moments and feelings being processed...and talked about (must have been good to keep lingering!)

Percolating reflections

Julie Lee, Beth Rowley and 'Foreign Slippers'

We have finally landed back home after our first ever trip to Greenbelt.
There are many thoughts and feelings floating around my head about it.
The two things people have been asking me are "have you enjoyed it?" and "what were your best bits?"
It would be easy to just say yes, I have enjoyed it, which would be honest and truthful and to pick out perhaps the obvious acts or speakers which were especially good.

However, I'm not sure that that would even scratch at doing justice to it.

A bit like percolating coffee, it is going to take a while for the full flavour of the experience to be appreciated, and it has as much, if not more to do with the 'moments' that happened along the way as it has with the more obvious.

I was very struck by the fact that Greenbelt is different things to different people fulfilling different needs on many different levels. A complex formula that brings people from all walks of life and from all corners of the globe together - even on the way home on the train I was chatting to a pastor from South Dakota who comes over especially to revive and refresh.
It is a uniquely individual experience, which was so clear in conversation with people we met along the way, who shared tables with us at the beer tent, or who we just found ourselves next to. Even just observing the vastness of the site and the numbers of people and the individuals that sat listening in many different ways to the many good talks or performances that were on.

I had no idea what I should expect and instead decided to just go, and let Greenbelt find me.


Within that vastness I was conscious of a feeling and awareness of solitude aswell as of connectedness, and there was a sense that perhaps it held the possibility to be quite lonesome, maybe... apart from the fact that somehow it wasn't, and somewhere in that lies the distinction between solitude and loneliness.
And for me there is a shift somewhere within that, that occurs on a deep and personal level whilst quietly absorbing the words and the music and the atmosphere, as the initial euphoria settles and the grass turns to mud, and the rain falls, and the festival is there waiting to be discovered, tasted and savoured.

So, knowing I have only tasted, knowing I was only ever going to taste a small part of it I am savouring the small moments as much as the big ones. Perhaps thats the draw, the sense that there is far more to be savoured, that you only ever get fed a fraction of what there is on offer - and if what you taste is good, you leave wanting more. All four of us would like to return, have been left tired and satisfied yet still wanting more. And so we will.

Children were very much a part of it and very evident - whether it was tiny tots dancing freely close up to the stage to wonderful music, or splashing in the mud while Beth Rowley sang Angels flying too close to the ground.

I missed people I very much wanted to see, yet in the waiting for a bus that failed to turn up I made some wonderful connections and shared the ride into the festival with the lovely Julie Lee, which just wouldn't have happened had I not been delayed...she was wonderful, but then so often we would wander into the performance cafe to find yet another gem of a musician previously unknown to us. There were only a couple of things I turned up to that just weren't quite my cup of tea but judging by the numbers there they obviously were someone elses, and so we moved on to another tent, another opportunity.

Very very personally Brian Houston managed to touch something very deep inside with his music, which led to some emotional and hard conversations initiated by my son about his twin who was miscarried - noone said moments had to be uplifting... they are what they are, and it facillitated conversations that couldn't be contrived, or planned, they had to happen naturally... and I am grateful for that opportunity.

There were several tearful moments for various reasons throughout the four days!

However, over the course of the festival there were also the wonderful and uplifting times, including meeting people I have only ever heard about or known through the blogosphere, putting faces to names and managing to spend at least some time with them. A text from the lovely Caroline made my Monday morning, meaning that although she couldn't make it in person, she was a part of it too. Even after the day's festival had come to a close there were more people to meet and share time with into the early hours in the hotel bar. A people filled incredibly special time all round.

One of my most beautiful peaceful experiences though was probably in the calm of a place called 'the Hub' listening to wonderful poetry by Padraig O Tuama as the festival was winding down.

I wish I had seen Pete Rollins, Ikon and Philip Yancey, oh and David Dark, he was there too and I did want to see him, but they are only names I know and had planned on seeing - I got much from those people recommended to me by others as our paths crossed and have to be content with the promise and the hope of another year.

The talks can be downloaded which is fantastic.

The experience is individual and unique.

Already life here is back to full speed and meanwhile in the background the thoughts and feelings, like good coffee, continue to percolate and infuse with a warm, rich, invigorating aroma and taste that I suspect will be felt until next time.

The sun above The Jesus arms

Flying

Flying off for a few days of fun to a place I have heard so much about but think I need to experience for myself!

see you soon, x

Twelve o'clock, midday, fourteen years ago I married my very best friend, who is also the other half of my team, and my soul mate, and we began a new chapter together. It was a wonderful day, with family and friends.

Much has happened since then and our wedding photo is a stark reminder of time, so many have either died or separated since then. Life moves on way too fast, so many chapters in so many books of people's lives.
I'm not a huge fan of anniversaries, or birthdays come to think of it. If I'm honest I'm not really sure what the congratulations are for. I'm not sure what I have achieved. There are many other things I would class as far bigger achievements worth celebrating, but then I'm up for a celebration if there's a reason for one.

Sometimes just getting through a day can seem reason to celebrate, perhaps being here every day is enough reason to celebrate.
Perhaps every day we spend with someone we love and are able to tell them we love them is reason enough.
Just living and loving is enough.
Perhaps that's what my wedding photo is telling me to celebrate.
Celebrating living, loving and being able to share.

It's 12.05, R is judging the childrens art and craft entries at the North show (including the oddly shaped vegetables!!) and we have a full day ahead. 14 years ago right now I was saying my vows, and meaning them, every one.
I'm thankful I found someone to share this wonderful, albeit adversity strewn journey with, and later we'll raise a glass or two over a meal to celebrate 14 colourful years.

Special moments

Some things are designed to melt my heart, instantly.

Such as my daughter skipping up to me saying "Mummy, I'm full of energy and need a hug from you" before wrapping her arms tightly round me.

There is something so, so, incredibly special about that.
I almost have to shake my head to believe it is me she is talking to.

Busy

It's been non stop here since I last posted, the room has been decorated and a new floor laid, I managed a trip to see Mama Mia at the cinema with the girls, our guests arrived and S returned from her week away. Since then she has had a big sleepover party and earlier today a family one to celebrate her birthday.
I have shopped, baked, cooked, talked, drank, cleaned and tidied and when I have stopped I have slept.
On the odd occasion I have made it to the computer I have sat looking blankly at the screen, sometimes reading insightful and interesting posts, but mainly looking blankly.

Too busy and too tired to process, but still able to function..
and it would seem, still able to play monopoly till far too late!

I am however, really looking forward to sharing time with S taking photos since she has been having fun creatively searching and shooting all day with her brand new camera.

Tomorrow I plan to chill out and relax aswell as carry on with more planning and return to some form of exercise as my middle has developed sponge like qualities over recent days.


Am also hoping that my brain will return to processing mode and I might find the occasional thing to blog about.

Until then I will be catching up around the place if and when I get a few minutes to myself, see you around :-)

Easily distracted!

S is still away, R jnr has been sleeping out, we have guests coming tomorrow - a good friend and his family, plus his Mum who remembers me from a conversation we had once in a pub in South London when I was about 19. A conversation I have no memory of, but am vaguely disturbed that it was memorable!
However in less than 24 hours they will be here and we still have colour to put on the walls, a floor to lay, shopping to do - tomorrow is Sunday and the cupboards are bare(ish).
Also true to form I am busy putting files onto memory sticks and writing up lessons that I promised myself would be done before they arrived!
Problem is I am far too easily distracted. Far too many other things I could be doing quite legitimately
blogging isn't one of them unfortunately ;)

and so before I get called away I'd better quit while I'm ahead!

Be back soon

I fell in love...

so fickle, so easily won over, charming shop assistants in the lovely apple shop and I fell in love far too easily ~ desire is dangerous, I now covet a dream.

It's a shame it doesn't fit with the romantic notions of a bohemian, talented, yet (not quite) penniless artist that filled my head and found me (happily) married with two (beautiful) kids

not that I'd change it, but trying to reconcile the two might prove fun!!

still I can dream :)

my new love and desire ~





oh and I'm not a techie person what so ever, but just this once? or maybe not...!
A girl is allowed a few moments of lust now and again ;)

living inside someones head..

Imagination is a wonderful thing
having the confidence to be exactly who you are is too

my story telling beautiful daughter is off to a smaller island than this to stay with a friend for Alderney week.
I have no doubt she will have a fabulous time - well, thats what is planned,
she has made her first flight all on her own, we have had the call to say she has arrived safely, and is off to a party tonight.

her tales of snails and elephants, giraffes and lady bugs that live in her wardrobe precede her and rumour has it they are eagerly awaited by people she has yet to meet

the strange thing is I have yet to hear any of these stories - they are solely for the entertainment of her friends and teachers

I keep asking her to write them down or tell me, so I can, but once told, she says she can't remember them and just makes up new ones.

I know where they live and yet when I look all I see are old shoes and dressing up things ~ no magic hiding place ~ no special kingdom. The magic kingdom is inside her creative head.

I wish there was some way of capturing all this magic for ever

I want to live inside her head for just a while.

so often I'd love to live inside someone else's head for a while.
Wouldn't that be so curious and so revealing?
Can think of many people whose heads I'd like to hide out in, for different reasons.

I'm going to miss her shining light this week, her hugs and her kisses and her friendship.

I wonder what the menagerie will get up to while she is away... :)

Thoughts rarely come from nowhere

A post from mmp, about how people don't just touch your lives as they pass through, but actually leave something far more permanent in our lives, left me thinking about a young girl just a year or two older than my daughter is now, who I looked after on the cardiology and coronary care unit while she waited for a heart and lung transplant.
I have a lovely photo of her and me together on a night shift just before Christmas; lovely because of her smile - the times she didn't smile were few, despite her symptoms. In fact all the family remained cheerful and appreciative of the care she was being given and optimistic regardless of their situation and the fact their hopes had been dashed on more than one occasion.
When I left the unit they were still waiting.
I never knew if she ever received the transplant she needed.
Her life was dependent on someone dying - I'm not sure how you ever really get your head around that one.
Their destiny as a family was dependent in lots of ways on another person.
It was, as it has been for so many people I have known, only perhaps more so in their situation, out of their hands.

I am left with many thoughts and feelings and emotions when I think about transplant situations - they bring up all the big questions, the real toughies that I reckon we all struggle with ; faith, belief, destiny.


There are many lives who have touched mine and whose imprint can never be erased ~ they changed something within me, triggered something, left their mark in some way, permanently.

I hadn't planned on working there - it wasn't the job I had been interviewed for and accepted, but it was the nearest alternative to A&E that was available, and it was only going to be temporary (the joys of redeployment and funding issues!)
To be honest I was petrified I wasn't going to rise to the challenge it offered, but actually I loved it while I was there, I learned so much, grew in many ways I had never imagined, and almost didn't want to leave.

I often wonder about how much real say we have in where our lives take us.
We are so often dependent on others, in ways we don't always see.
Strangely connected in so many ways to so many people - over a lifetime that is a remarkable web.

Sometimes we are given an insight into where our lives are going, someone flashes the hand of cards our way for a second, and sometimes we can choose how to play them even if we can't know how that will turn out.

Other times I guess we're left to wrestle with the tough questions and keep trusting, hoping and believing

just like my young friend.

brothers!

Brotherly love ~

"S, I've saved you some pasta if you want it? It's a new sauce, it's really nice...."
so, lured into a false sense of security, despite my peering over her shoulder to see what exactly is going on, she gingerly takes a mouthful...
only to run quickly to the fridge for a large glass of juice whilst in fact being very controlled telling him off
the new sauce..? laced with lashings of piri piri sauce! the toe rag, he knows she hates it hot!!!!




however, methinks he is playing with fire
I'm waiting for her response ;)


I always thought I missed out not having any brothers or sisters ~ always wanted an older brother.
I'm enjoying it at the moment, but then again he's not my brother!!

Today is all we have

A close shave..
when something happens and you just don't know how it's going to turn out..
yet somehow it turns out ok..
when people can sleep soundly in their beds
and raise a glass knowing it's going to be ok..

makes me wonder how many close shaves we get..
but then I don't really want to know

Today really is all we have...can't recall where I heard that recently but it's true...

If our lives are limited - like cats are supposed to be... then I'm fast running out.. do we get more for our kids too or are they all bundled together - can we buy one get one free or is it not up for discussion, perhaps trading is allowed or gambling.. or maybe not.... ?

lets hope it doesn't work like that!

living for today knowing it's all we know we have... sounds fair enough but isn't always easy to do..

Space and time

So we're home ~ some photos from what was a gloriously sunny and beautiful week.
Space and time..




time to discover an almost deserted beach - only us and two others - at the end of a magical path of bracken and brambles and heather, with the most gorgeous sand dunes, where we could listen to the puffins and soak in solitude.



Time to relax in the mornings, reading and planning and taking silly pictures of feet which I happen to love.




Time to hang back and watch my family from a distance - butterflies all around me yet I didn't manage to catch one on camera at all...



time for contemplation and talking and sharing...




and for standing as the place is bathed in pinks and yellows as dusk falls and wondering as the sky is painted with yet more fantastic sunsets




and amongst all this natural beauty, quite possibly my most favourite image of Jesus, in the small courtyard outside the chapel - weathered and rusty from all the storms that batter the island.

~

There is however always the side that photos don't capture...the sleepless nights, the intense heat, and the flying ants that plagued our small dwelling and for which I am am so relieved to be home in comfort.

Even so, the small hours allowed for thought and reading and ideas, for soul searching and reflection... all important things which I treasure being able to do.

time out was good, but as always it's good to be home too.

Soul soothing

An e mail I received a while ago, much of which I happen to think is fairly true.

In a few hours I will get on a boat and head off to a place that is very special to me for some soul soothing.
I will take books and music, although I am looking forward to the solitude of reading with only the sounds of nature around me.
I have more books than I can possibly read in the time we are there.
I will be without the internet.
I am sure I will miss it at least initially, but I am also looking forward to peaceful ponderings and my notebook.

Last night we were out. It was the end of an era...a lot of goodbyes, and some aurevoirs. People expressing emotion openly and saying things they needed to say that they wouldn't perhaps get another chance to say. Wonderful messages, people letting their normal guarded exteriors dissolve to show real feelings.
Life changes. We all struggle to cope with it as it does - many people last night had found themselves in situations and having to make choices they never wanted to make. Travelling a road they had never dreamt of.
There is much to ponder on.
We stop and acknowledge where we are and hesitate for a moment; before bravely taking the next step forwards into uncertainty armed with our experiences and trusting that somehow all will be well.

All souls need soothing, feeding and nurturing so they can give more freely to others... this has been a hard time for many people.
These holidays are much needed, space and time with friends and family to refresh and revive in preparation for new beginnings in September.

So, I must finish packing and I'll be round to visit when I return - apologies if I have visited and not commented... time has a habit of catching me out!




A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

one friend who always makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a feeling of control over her destiny....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder...

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....

whom she can trust,whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table...

or a charming inn in the woods...

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...

a month...

and a year...

A moment of inspiration!

I know few men who like to shop
but there comes a point where everyone needs clothes unless we are intent on causing a stir and that wasn't the kind of outrageous I was thinking of in my earlier post!

And so it came to pass that R junior was in desperate need of new clothes...
but clothes are no longer merely practical, and each of my children is developing their own unique style.... meaning that I can no longer zip into town and pick up a few items in their size feeling confident they will like them.

I have failed previously both on my own, and with R in tow, and so I was full of high hopes when I sent both boys in together to shop..
how wrong I was!
They returned with one white t shirt between them...!!

So today I decided to try again and fell upon a moment of inspiration in the surf shop...

enough to say that where parents fail, young friendly female shop assistants in tight hot pants are sure to succeed...

I am graciously thankful and I have one happy boy...

never underestimate the power of a girl in hot pants... :)