Thoughts...

Recent quotes from the children ~ "I don't want to grow up", "I used to think growing up would be fun but now I think it's just scary...", "I worry about granny, I worry about her getting sick and dying..."

The supermarket seems to be the latest place for thoughts and feelings to come out, strangely, and quite specifically, in the alcohol section, although I'm not sure of it's relevance, apart from it is quieter and has a calmer feel to it than the rest of the shop...

I'm pleased my children feel they can say these things to me, feel safe that they can share them with me, sometimes it's not about answers, it is just about sharing and discussing, talking.


In other situations it's just about being kind... I wondered earlier in the week about whether in fact kindness and communication could be the two most important things in management of people... I'm sure those two go a long way together...


Lately I'm finding being patient exceedingly difficult... not just on the job front ~ but generally, and am being forced into waiting by circumstances beyond my control.
It's so hard giving up control and just waiting, putting things to one side and getting on with life whilst waiting to see how it turns out.
Surely we should be living and experiencing and accepting it as it unfolds, instead of waiting, anxiously or otherwise...

Oh and I'm trying not to become too tediously boring in the meantime!

For me keeping faith and trust in all things is an active process, needing constant renewal, and I think that if I were better at it I wouldn't have to try so hard.... in many areas, and then it might come naturally and spontaneously, like breathing, an inherent and integral part of who I am...

Today is Good Friday and as always it makes me feel melancholy... and reflective.


I also wanted to link to a post I read earlier this morning....I need reminders like this to keep me real and focused on what is truly important...it doesn't matter who it is or where it is...turn on the news every day and there are stark reminders of untimely unecessary deaths and suffering...


and apologies for lack of photos for a while - my lovely camera which travels with me everywhere broke yesterday - the battery cover snapped, and is being sent back to be mended but will take at least 6-8 weeks I'm told!


Today is about quiet family time... it feels good just to be off work together and pottering ~ time well spent :)

Quiet...

Sometimes there is nothing to say,
sometimes that is comfortable, other times it's awkward,
often depending on who you're with...
sometimes words get in the way of just being.

Today has been a quiet kind of day with not many words.
I'm tired with a slightly sore throat, so it's easier to be quiet,
church is a good place to be when I'm feeling like this...
like mentally unravelling a ball of wool...

There are at least two challenges awaiting me this week - on Monday and Tuesday.

It's calming,
listening to the wind and the rain,
sorting, tidying, throwing out, getting ready both for the week ahead and to write ~
I have to be in the right frame of mind...

am lucky my family let me be, accept my quiet moments when I am digging deep to find a certain elusive something...

Doesn't mean I won't be visiting and reading though.

Wishing anyone who passes by here a peaceful week, x

Making decisions....

Time is precious and life is short...
How we spend our time and who we spend it with is important...
when someone chooses to spend time with me it is a gift... and likewise when I choose to spend time with someone it is a gift from me...

We all have levels of tolerance, a mark we will let someone get to before we take action...
sometimes we will have communicated this several times, they take notice for a while and then it slips back and they proceed towards it again, trying, it seems, to stretch our limits, our boundaries, our compassion and our forgiveness, our good will and our allowance making, as far as they can possibly be stretched. Never learning from their previous experience... or choosing to ignore it..
So how many times do we let someone push our boundaries before we say 'no more'... and walk away?
When talk seems futile and action is the only option left...
decisive, thought out action, not impulsive spur of the moment, hurt induced and emotive reaction...

I am thinking that this only happens when there are certain expectations...
unconditional relationships are different... there are no expectations...only hopes maybe, but we don't walk away, can't walk away from those....



Two days in a row now I have wanted to pick up my bag and leave work...
I'm not particularly upset as such, I know there is no point in getting really mad, no point in shouting, and in fact there is no point in confronting it...

How we treat people is important...
we need to be able to ask questions in order to grow and develop, and to have those questions listened to and helped to find the answers, we need to value each other, instead of condemning someone because they have less years experience or make us feel insecure because they somehow highlight failings we recognise in ourselves.

I can see what is happening, watching as if on a tv screen...it's predictable, the outcome already written, even if it involves a degree of risk - nothing is certain and I could end up floundering yet again... but for now it has to be acted out...

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled... we have to be true to ourselves...

Some books just ask to be picked up time and time again, dipped into and savoured.
Michael Leunig books do that to me... originally introduced to our family via my sister in law who lives in Melbourne...
So when I spied one sitting on the table as I visited my Mum earlier today I couldn't resist... however, she wasn't about to let it find it's way home with me, and I have had to order my own - our copies of his books have been absorbed into the fabric of the school's Art department -

prayers I liked today...

Prayer for Friends

We give thanks for our friends.
We anger each other.
We fail each other.
We share this sad earth, this tender life, this precious time.
Such richness.
Such wildness.
Together we are blown about.
Together we are dragged along.
All this delight.
All this suffering
All this forgiving life.
We hold it together.
Amen

Michael Leunig

and also....

Prayer of Gratitude

We rejoice and give thanks for earthworms, bees, ladybirds and broody hens;
for humans tending their gardens, talking to animals, cleaning their homes and singing to themselves;
or the rising of the sap, the fragrance of growth, the invention of the wheelbarrow and the existence of the teapot we give thanks.
We celebrate and give thanks.

so many wonderful gems... prayers and magic...

anyone for a cuppa as we get blown about and dragged along?

all the little big moments...

Today I worked, work was good, spent time with people who are relying on those who work in the hospital to help them... in the mix of the day ~ tenderness, tears, sadness, fear, anxiety, no doubt a lot of prayers along the way... gratitude, though I'm not entirely sure why, humans just caring for other humans, hospitals can be daunting scary places...
often I am scared by the lack of information people have been given - they ask me why I need to take blood, why they would need needles jabbed in them every day... I wonder why noone has thought to explain in terms they understand. None of this is normal, it's not something anyone would do for pleasure, and it's invasive....


I have a bug bear about communication, especially in hospital... we should never become complacent about the things we do every day... ever...


and the difference when someone has an explanation? It stops being a problem... nothing fancy, just logical reasoning...

people aren't always that complicated... though we like to think we are.

so much aggression can be turned around through understanding and information and communication...


So work was good, a friendly team today...

then onto phone calls and shopping, collecting S from school and then to dancing - all with plenty of time in hand so not getting stressed by it... a new friend at dancing - connected by things in the past.. it's good - validating for me, and makes me think long after we have left to come home... there are many different ways to say thank you and this is one of the very best... friendship...


R had tea ready when we got home, so we can have family time, night classes have finished so there is no mad rush...


even whatever there is on tv will be fine...


There is a whole heap of paperwork to do, but with a nice glass of red wine we'll work through it...


There is something special about days like today... they don't come along very often. Calm, collected, rewarding, useful, where the lessons learned haven't been too painful. Not everything has been fitted in but there is a perspective that it all can fit in... a reassurance from the universe that for all the mess and emotional upheavals in all of our lives, somehow it will all be ok...
sometimes i imagine the universe speaks...


even amidst the storms outside...

Todays project... a community mosaic made with help from children and adults passing through the market earlier.
We very nearly finished it - just the final tweaking and filling in to do - my tile cutting technique needs working on!

Again I loved the buzz of people getting involved and working together, all kinds of people wanting to join in. Some stayed for most of the day, others came and went, some looked and didn't want to contribute, others wanted to ask questions, but few walked by and didn't look or take notice. Those who stayed chatted as they worked, laughed and had fun, and somehow it was more than just the piece of work, more than just an activity...more than the sum of all it's parts... it has a value all of it's own, and the process was of huge value too....

There were other fair-trade stalls around, I'm not best at selling or persuading, I'm happier doing... and trust the rest will follow if it's meant to.

This was fun... and when this is done, we have - or perhaps more scarily, R has, more ideas...
scarily, because I can never let his ideas pass me by... my partner in crime!

Art in any form draws people to it ~ there was music, some of it fantastic, an atmosphere, people, music, art, activity.

In short, it was a good day...

I never fail to be amazed at the twists and turns that expose themselves as we travel through life...

I'm thinking it's good to be surprised, astounded even, at times...

even, and perhaps more so by those we think we know the best...

A telephone call tonight brought some surprise news - good, but totally surprising - for me anyhow... can't share as yet, I was asked not to, but might come out later on...

no such thing as coincidence or even luck perhaps, but forces are at work that we can't see or touch, but we can feel... we all journey along our own paths, thinking our own thoughts, making decisions and developing ideas, and noone can ever really know whats going on inside anothers head or heart.

So sometimes things can appear to change drastically without us ever realising they were lying dormant, quietly germinating before making themselves apparent...

Am thinking a lot about belief and faith causing a change in behaviour ~ it should, I hope it does....

Just in the same way I have had conversations recently about study only being worthwhile (for me that is), if it feeds practice....

but then no experience is ever wasted - it all brings some value..

truth is it's all one big mystery... and it never fails to surprise...

tonight I'm surprised and clocking some mixed emotions and feelings... just when you think nothing can possibly change, something does....

it truly is a wonder filled life at times...

sorry if this is cryptic... but yes, it's good.... for them it is anyhow.... :)

Busy...

I wish I had time to find the words.. life is busy at the moment - it's nearly 2am and I am copying my completed form and all the relevant paperwork... everyone I have shared this with says it would be brillinat for me.. I think it too, but if it's meant to be it will...



Illness continues to hound us - winter bugs have meant I have been housebound today looking after the birthday boy...

My arthritis reaction has calmed but still needing regular painkillers and anti-inflammatories to keep my hands functioning - still no rings or watches... but am reassured it will sort in time.



I want to get out, want to be doing, I have so much I want to do, need to be getting done, but as usual it's late and I was only blogging until the copying was finished...

we took photos the other day at R's party... just haven't got around to transferring them to the computer - they were karting and had a fantastic time... I just love the boys sense of humour and their zest for life - it was adrenaline rush fun for them in the karts, slight anxiety filled trusting moments for me watching... I was glad of two strong men to shelter behind and keep me safe... not that they could do anything - but it was reassuring anyhow!

It's another early start - hopefully R can return to school tomorrow and I can go to work... before that, sleep...

12.20 am

12.20 am, missing 29 Feb by 20 mins twelve years ago... and at the very last minute, as seems to be standard practice for this family more often than not, R junior arrived...quickly and with relatively little hassle.

In the morning we juggle his birthday with S's entrance exam to senior school, but come midday we should be ready to celebrate.
It has all gone by so incredibly quickly...
I used to be irritated by people who said that, but now I hate to admit they were right - it is true...
savouring the moments has become very important to me...

my gifts from the universe that stretch me beyond all my imagination and give me more than I could dream of...

and of course I haven't got a day older since I had him... stuck forever at 20 something.....
or perhaps someone elses birthday took precedence over mine from then on and it suddenly became irrelevant...

now to grab some sleep before we are woken by excited / nervous children...

Half naked possibilities...

I want...

Or if it was one of the kids I might be telling them it's not "I want", it's "I would like"

Perhaps that's the problem....

I would like all kinds of things... I could list all the things that I would actually quite like, that would be fun and I would enjoy...
the "I want" is the real inner desire, the driving force, the motivation...


sometimes I think we don't realise what we want until someone shows us what might be possible, reveals to us our own potential...
When someone else validates us and who we are then a whole new realm of possibility can open up... it's not even having someone else believe in you, it's just the seed of what could actually be...
if you decide thats what you want...
but until we know whats there, we can't dream it...

'I want' doesn't always get, but 'I want' might be the first step on a bridge to the next unknown...

sometimes a glimpse of what might be the bigger picture makes sense temporarily...


funny how much can happen in such a short time...

The phone rang shortly after I had got out of the shower this morning, and so although I was half dressed I answered it.... so often I thank god noone can see me while I'm on the phone....
it was someone replying to a message I left on their answer phone yesterday....

and, just like that, there are possibilities and potential ahead... feeding the 'I want' part of me, motivation, drive, desire...

it may not happen, but it might....it could, and it can...
and the more I think about it, the more I want...
things I hadn't considered...
because I hadn't really been aware...

half naked possibilities to explore.... ;)

Today has already become more interesting, more alive and more real...

and that's another reason to thank God too...

"Moon River, wider than a mile,

I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,

wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--

waiting 'round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me."

distracted, and dreaming....trying to write....

about me....

it really shouldn't be so hard.... we should know ourselves better than anyone...

I do,

I think...

and yet when it comes to selling myself, writing it down, I'm tripping up, all over the place...

sometimes the words flow, other times... it's back to boiling the kettle and another cup of tea...

a new song to listen to, another distraction, a fresh piece of paper... stop trying too hard...

yuk...

still the portfolio to go after this.... perhaps I'll save the rambling for that...!

it's no longer good enough to have worked and lived and learnt - it all has to be documented for posterity now too... living, learning, reflecting...

I'll be writing for EVER!

thankfully my hands are now improved enough to hold a pen :)

Not sure what they give, but it's unconditional...

or is it? Is it food dependent?
It could be love, or comfort, or just another living breathing being, being with us and sharing our space, not answering back...

Just pondering on the beautiful non-humans in our lives here...

I was reluctant on the rabbit and hamster front initially, but they are a part of the family now.... and they give something unconditional.... they are valuable, more so than I had given credit for....

do animals have the same complications in relationships and feelings as we do I wonder...?




hamster heaven, but these nuts (from my Dad's tree) are really too big for him... he can manage to get the smaller ones in his mouth though.... :) He is fun to watch, a distraction... and he never seems to sleep - perhaps he sleeps at night when we do...




when I find the kids with the rabbits snuggled into their necks I know they are soaking up the comfort and love and when they don't think I am watching I know they talk to them...
secrets that won't be told...
thats important...

thats one rabbit on each shoulder :)

and this old lady..... fiercely independent but loves to be loved when she chooses.... on laps or in front of the fire... or soaking up the sun on a winters day...
loves to scare S, ever since S was tiny, bramble likes to jump out at her when she's not expecting it.... I swear she has a wicked sense of humour!

And although she is never far away from the rabbits or the hamster, she obviously isn't much of a deterrent as far as mice go!

After a somewhat restless night I woke to discover both hands, wrists and elbows were swollen and painful.... in fact most joints are painful ~ most likely an after effect of a recent illness and rash....
so even dosed with the highest dose of anti inflammatory pain relief I have spent the day unable to even hold a pen properly. I ache and find myself frustrated by what I can't do...

I managed to remove my rings earlier with a fair struggle and can't tolerate a watch on...
Although I drove to the doctors this morning, I gave in and asked my parents to help collect children after school...

I managed to text and have managed short phone conversations...
I have managed to fill the kettle and make a drink, but none of it has been easy... truth is it's still not getting any easier...

My knees and ankles are sore too but they don't seem to be so bothersome...at least I can still get around...
it is frustrating...

even reading isn't easy... I hadn't realised just how dextrous you have to be just to turn a page...
and friday night on tv is hardly inspirational....
I had to cancel my night out too....though I am sure I could have found a way to hold a wine glass!! ;)

I feel well, sound well, just can't do what I want to...

am in need of tolerance and patience and hope it goes away as quickly as it arrived...

caffeine cravings...

Days can start out uneventful...

and then the routine search for vacuum bags can lead onto an adventure I'd rather not have had...

the cupboard half way up the stairs is connected to the eaves of the house and it is packed out with all kinds of spare boxes and bags, wrapping paper and crackers and all kinds of just 'stuff.'..

It is also where we have kept the boxes of coffee and tea sachets since we stopped running the chalets... an overflow where I was sure we also had a spare pack of vacuum bags...

which we did, under the rest of the boxes.... which is when I spotted what I thought might just be .....

mouse droppings....

So then came the task of emptying this tardis at which point I embarrasingly turned incredibly girly as I moved objects to hand to R junior to take to the kitchen for examination....( he goes back tomorrow and is feeling much better! )

There was a moment where I thought I had made a very silly mistake and that in fact it was just a broken coffee sachet....

closely followed by the realisation it was in fact a coffee loving mouse....

a fair-trade coffee loving mouse no less....

and from the evidence I would speculate it must have a very strong addiction...

not quite 'Ratatouille' and not quite the entertainment I had planned for the day!

now we have an empty cupboard and the problem of what to do next... plus I never got that vacuuming done!

disengaged....

Taking a step sideways today..

We are now back from hospital where R junior had seven teeth out this morning....
energy sapped, recovering, watching funny things on tv, soup and soft food...
fire lit and duvets in the living room...
neither of us totally switched on..
incredible how enormous teeth are when they are out... am relieved it's over, he is too...


There are some men and a lorry in the garden - we didn't ask them to come, weren't expecting them... they are over from next door to cut the top of the hedge between us... R was going to do it next weekend but seems they got in first...they have been joined by a second one now parked on the garden... I can't make out what they are doing but it appears they are having fun playing in our tree and on our swing ropes... guess some things are too tempting not to have a go :)

I'm lacking the energy to even go and ask...it's the assumption that they can just drive over our garden without asking that irritates, but it's dry and they seem to be enjoying themselves, so that's good...



It feels like a surreal kind of day...we were woken by the phone at 3 this morning... a new arrival to the family in Australia - a baby girl..., no details, just the news... we'll find out more later...

important happenings in our family each side of the world...

the rest of the world is busy outside, we're busy recovering, recouperating and doing very little other than nurturing each other...

soon we'll be ready to reconnect with the world and come out and play too.

Tonight I am pondering after a difficult day...


To heal, a wound needs time,
time alone with the right conditions...

if it's constantly irritated it will never heal.

Not sure how anyone manages to live fully with wounds from birth that are never left alone to heal...


Talking helps, feeling loved, even if only from a few, helps too.
Friends are invaluable...
doing, being and keeping distracted helps...

to create protection for ourselves, without building walls, so we can still love and yet limit the hurt we feel.


perhaps there comes a time when we have to cease trying to understand and just start trying to live without understanding...

More adventures...

looking skywards

We had more adventures yesterday on a trip around the reservoir...
Drawing, sketching, playing with photographs and having fun...

my two boys are in this one - love imagining life from this perspective

messing around and laughing at each other's foibles.... learning and teaching that it's ok to laugh at ourselves....



Tomorrow the three of us girls are off for a trip away - the three generations on our first girlie break...
It should be good - well at least I am looking forward to it... noone can judge in advance what lies ahead but there is potential... so S is packing and I will throw a few things in later on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a tough time of year...has been for the past fifteen years or so now...
Each year I worry in advance and spend months of energy trying to make it work out ok...
Perhaps it depends on how you define ok...

This year, so far, so good... one day, one step at a time..
There is ALWAYS opportunity for change - always a chance, always a possibility that this year will be the year that is different - noone says it has to be how it always has been...
we keep trying, keep communicating, keep on loving and hoping and believing that it can be different....

You know I actually think it can be... different I mean...
and that thought is good..

and if in the end it isn't, then this bit is different... this is so much better than previous years...

this is an ok I can handle...

this is an ok that is more than just having us all alive and kicking...

this is an ok that encompasses living too...

No idea how long it will last - or if it will... but for now I'm just stopping and appreciating that this is good... :)

Four set off on the trail of a boot...

Over a curry and some drinks we were told of a single wellington boot washed up on the shore, covered in barnacles and seaweed...
we were shown the photographic evidence and have a rough idea of where it is...

and so today we set off to try and find this piece of treasure ourselves, with the aim of taking photos... (of the boot that is..)

Today's big adventure....


First the walk from the car up to the fairy ring...




and then exploring each of the paths to the beaches in turn...








































discovering wonderful places for picnics or for sharing a bottle of wine whilst watching the sun go down...


It was a wonderful adventure...
felt like pirates searching for their stash of treasure...
only to find someone had got there first - either stolen or washed away...
or hidden somewhere else...



our search was fruitless, but enjoyable...




and eventually - very eventually, we made our weary way home....

nature providing the most incredible colours in the sunset...




but where is that boot?...

Random dreams...and new adventures...

What a busy night...
dreams of an ex boyfriend and his daughter (who I have never met!), a huge pot of marmalade made by my aunt, being taken flying in an open plane with little goggles on over a river - I think it was over London, and watching people dressed as glittery wombles, my daughter included, tottering down the high street..and then me refusing drugs whilst sat on a rock looking out to sea on holiday....
sometimes a very small part of it can be explained...spice, the drug, has been a topic of conversation just recently in schools and out...and legal or not, it doesn't sound in any way attractive....not to me anyway...

Dreams fascinate me... mostly they are just odd, I used to wonder what they meant - but now I'm not sure they should be analysed too much... I just accept them as random (very random) wanderings...!

just sometimes they surprise me though - I will wake having written a whole song or poem in my sleep... those are the ones I wish I could remember long enough to write down...
sometimes I have had great ideas - plans for adventures - or projects.
It's incredible how busy the mind can be while it's supposedly resting and in the absence of conscious thought...

When I woke the sun was streaming through the curtains..it is glorious outside...could almost be spring...
some days feel like the start of a new adventure...
they feel like they are just waiting to be enjoyed....

oh and relating my dreams here - that was really just to spare R the torment of me describing my dreams to him today....!

if we have any grand adventures I will let you know too..

Gentleness...

I found this in my inbox earlier today... Henri Nouwen's daily meditation for today..

Yesterday picking up R from school was a nightmare.. cars, kids, traffic, and R not looking where he was going - it was chaos.. he was stressed and I was stressed... I had to shout to him across the car park because there was no way of getting close to him...

Today I met a friend in the car park picking up his son too... a gentle soul - the kind Henri Nouwen talks of here...
He said he had been laughing with his son yesterday watching the scene unfold - R like a headless chicken and me waiting, trying desperately to collect him...
He was laughing in empathy and understanding... he wasn't judging - he didn't know but I had done enough of that myself...
His gentleness was soothing - and calming... and understanding... I felt so much better for it.

Gentleness is indeed a virtue and a gift..



Dressed in Gentleness

Once in a while we meet a gentle person. Gentleness is a virtue hard to find in a society that admires toughness and roughness. We are encouraged to get things done and to get them done fast, even when people get hurt in the process. Success, accomplishment, and productivity count. But the cost is high. There is no place for gentleness in such a milieu.Gentle is the one who does "not break the crushed reed, or snuff the faltering wick" (Matthew 12:20). Gentle is the one who is attentive to the strengths and weaknesses of the other and enjoys being together more than accomplishing something. A gentle person treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. A gentle person knows that true growth requires nurture, not force. Let's dress ourselves with gentleness. In our tough and often unbending world our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us.