Stories...

Thre have been many stories recounted these past few days.
Adding pieces to the jigsaw my children have of my life, life when I was a child visiting John and his family and when they would come and visit us - that was always fun because they needed a minivan for all the kids...
and we would head down to the beach - rock climbing was popular and there were always the boys to look after me...

fascinating insights into the past for children who are always curious about their parent's exploits when they too were children...
baby kate dragged up because she wouldn't be overtaken by the older kids... fear didn't exist - if they did it, so did she...
It was great, a game... and the bigger the slide the better...
somewhere to learn confidence and to shout as loudly, or louder than, the next person if you wanted to be heard...
I learned some real lessons with this part of my family.

It's easy for my children to get an idea of my life as a child here - they see my parents frequently and not much has changed in real terms - we explore the garden and the house and they hear tales of what I did and who was around - we look at photos and it's all in context.

This other part of life is new to them - I guess you don't talk about things until they crop up...

And when we talk - all of us, about what we remember the most, it tends to be individual times, evenings or moments that get recounted over again...

and it makes me wonder which moments will be the ones to stick in my children's memories as they grow up...

what is it that makes a moment special enough to last a lifetime?

unmarked milestones

You know when all the action is going on in the foreground, there's still a whole lot happening around the edges, it's just easier to miss it.

My son has been thinking about changing football clubs for some time now - plenty of reasons, but a hard decision - he's played with the same club since he was 5 and he's a loyal, sensitive soul. But week after week he's thought more and more about it, until last night he said he really did want to move.
I had just assumed that either his Dad or I would make the call to his coach to let him know...

Instead R said he wanted to be the one to tell him.
He picked up the phone and made the call...
A hard call to make, taking responsibility and being accountable for his own decision...
I stood nearby watching and listening - in admiration for his courage and witnessing a mile stone I hadn't realised existed.

Yet the transition from us thinking and making decisions for them, to them making and acting on their own decisions is exactly what it is all about, and being there for them in case it all goes wrong I guess..

milestones not charted anywhere, yet very real steps to independence and directing their own lives.

Not a good look...

OMG - just woke up and looked in the mirror...
feel better for sleep and for the antibiotics finally kicking in properly
but what a wreck looking back at me...

There is a price to pay for crying...

so today's question has to be do tea bags really work?

I hope so.. :)

Sad news

Who knows the whys or hows of anything..

I know that John and his family, officially Sir John, a wise, funny, brilliant, down to earth man, regardless of any title given to him or position he found himself in, a man of integrity, and his family, who always treated me like their own ~ all of them were in my thoughts, and wouldn't leave, all day yesterday and last night, and I couldn't have known why.
It is their old flat that Van Morrison's music takes me back to...

Turns out John died peacefully in his sleep last night / this morning...

I'm out of words, and full of thoughts and memories. I can hear his voice, and his laughter. I can remember being 'baby kate' to avoid confusion and then, when I couldn't really be 'baby kate' any more... we had both grown up...
when I was with them I was one of six, not one of one...
He will be, they all are, part of my family for ever...

if there ever was a man who lived, and squeezed every last drop out of his time living, it was him...

I am so much richer for having had him in my life, and yet again I am reminded that life is short...

so, from inbetween my many tears,
Thank you Uncle John...

The end of the holiday..

nervous butterflies, sad hearts, longing for just one more day...
please, just one...
the end of the holidays
dreams remembered, and many still to dream,

washing and ironing done,
bags packed...
tucked up,
early night...

Back to school,
Back to work...


Back to...?
The start of...?
Who knows...?

Nervous or excited...?
Both...?

Anticipation...

A quiet day reading...

The lurgy has finally caught up with me, but as long as I don't have to speak or listen or try and make conversation, if I can be in my own world, curled up, sipping on warm drinks to soothe my husky throat and taking regular cold remedies then it's not too bad...
So I have been granted the indulgence of a whole day to read one of my Christmas presents, a book from my wish list which first came to my attention courtesy of warps woofs words.

Joan Didion's Year of Magical Thinking


"Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
The question of self-pity."

These are first words she wrote after her husband died... words she returns to throughout the book. She tells the story of her journey through the first year after his death, the same year their only daughter is seriously ill.


"It was in fact the ordinary nature of everything preceding the event that prevented me from truly believing it had happened, absorbing it, incorporating it, getting past it. I recognize now that there was nothing unusual in this: confronted with sudden disaster we all focus on how unremarkable the circumstances were in which the unthinkable occurred..."

The honesty of the way she shares her thoughts , feelings and observations make this a remarkable book. She doesn't shy away from the conflicting confusing and illogical - the magical thinking that some would have us leave behind in childhood.

Everyone takes something different from a book and some books have their time to be read.
Books can't be prescribed...
It doesn't offer answers or solutions, but it is a very human book.... beautifully written

and now I have discovered her as an author I'll be searching out her other titles...

food glorious food...

In an attempt to encourage and enable the children to cook for themselves we have been letting R and S take turns at cooking tea each day this week.
We have gradually progressed over the past year or so and now they use kettles and toasters and sharp knives independently ... and to date we have escaped anything major happening...

I will never forget my first 'serious' boyfriend had never cooked anything until he bought his own flat....
I decided then it was a 'must have' skill for any children of mine to acquire...

They have always watched and helped where they can, but the extra time we have had this week, before they start back at school on Monday, has meant more time to play and let them experiment.
It's been messy - but creative... and they have been keen to learn.
The results have been delicious too.

They have also got cross with one another, when, after spending all that time and effort cooking, the other one can't be bothered to come to the table on time....

nothing quite like a taste of your own medicine ;-)

Stained glass candle holder S made for her nativity

The phones have started to buzz with new year messages from friends we can't be with...
I don't 'do' new year usually for various reasons , but this year we will be out at a friends party... the theme is Bond...
and it would appear that James has a new girl - Miss Midnight, who will be getting ready shortly... :)


I liked this, one of those round robin texts, but I liked it...

2008 is at the door...

Remember life is short,

break the rules,

forgive quickly,

kiss slowly,

love truly,

laugh uncontrollably,

and never regret anything that made you smile...

So to everyone who stops by this way...

I wish you all the very best for the New Year...x

new links

New links - mouse and Random acts of reality... partly sentimental - partly keep me in touch with what I feel is important in my life too...
reality, raw and in your face...
that is what I LOVED about A&E - it was real, no pretences, life as it happened, in all it's various forms with all it's grit and grime...
people came, as they were, noone had time to pretend, no time to become anyone else... no time to be institutionalised...
noone really wanted to be there... for any longer than needed anyway...
it was a real privilege to be working in that environment...
a glimpse into the world as it is... where we are...

and thats why I want to say thank you for these blogs...

keeping life real...

Taking time as it comes...

After a family filled Christmas, the opportunity to spend an evening down at the rugby club for one of our good friends Birthdays was welcome, it was lovely to just spend time with people we haven't seen in a while and to have a night out where the children could come too.

An easy evening...

Now we're back home, with music on while R carries on painting a commission that's been waiting for a chance for him to carry on working on it - it's peaceful sitting watching him.

It's been a long while since we just spent an evening drinking, listening to music with R painting alongside me...and chatting...

it's easy to lose time, and a luxury to just let time go...

a gift...

apt that we should be listening to the Beatles too ~ transporting me back to student flats, long evenings and the dawn of first light...

they are singing.... "and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make... "
I wonder...

Hanging on to peace...

At what point is it safe to look back and wonder if we have escaped unscathed? Perhaps it's the moment after we have confidently said it's all gone alright so far!.... Best not speak too soon - there is always, and will always, be room to put ones foot in it...

The peace found at Midnight mass has stayed - strange how peace can descend in a church filled to overflowing, despite all the noise and chaos, and yet there is a still, quiet voice, that speaks personally, and so that being a part of it and yet not, observing from somewhere else, yet being in the present... it speaks to my heart... that peace stays... and with it there is harmony, for a while..

but it's not long before late nights take their toll, and safety mechanisms fail, and peace, and good will seem to lose value and vanish... like the genie in the lamp... the wishes gone...

it is never an easy time and it never gets any easier...
I am aware of, and see others around struggling too.

And on a personal level I do wonder how this magical season, this season of hope will ever really change us...


how hard is it just to be kind?
how hard is it to forgive?
how hard is it to accept and embrace our humaness in others?

Perhaps is it simply all too hard...?

But I honestly can't let myself believe that at all....

Christmas Eve...

Christmas eve....a magical day as a child I seem to remember, and I am reminded of it by my children we played at being Santa's elves delivering to all ends of the island today.

Snippets from our day...

After a couple of false starts we finally made it out of the house to start our deliveries...

My chief elf, obviously bogged down with the responsibility of the task allocated to him, put us all behind by muddling the presents up, so parcels were delivered to the wrong people and had to be retrieved and then redelivered...... I'm certain Santa never has that problem even with all that alcohol on board...

Despite our best efforts we didn't manage to avoid the last minute dash to the chemist to restock on cold and flu remedies, and to find birthday cards for the 26th, but the Salvation Army band playing in the high street made it feel very festive, even in the rush..

The plan is that the kids are hopefully staying up so we can all go to midnight mass... but then we all know about best laid plans...

I'm still looking for the buzz of festive spirit which usually arrives around this time, but it seems to be very elusive this year.... as are cohesive sentences that fit together... hence the snippets...

so really I just wanted to say to those who pop by here

Happy Christmas and a peaceful time to everyone.. xx

Choosing one's own way...

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way"

Viktor Frankl

It was one of those odd moments - I had just picked up a book and was reading these words as I idly clicked through my bookmarked blogs...

to read the same words - or some of them at least - on Pip's blog...

Synchronicity, a moment when timing collides, like crossing paths with someone after you've only just met...

when pieces of a jigsaw suddenly fit together...
a message at just the right time...

until half an hour ago I hadn't even heard of Viktor Frankl...

now I've met him twice in a short space of time and his words are etched into my brain...

love it :)

This almost had a photo....

I had so much planned for today...guess thats never the best start...
So little has actually been achieved, but we do seem to have run around for hours in the car, spent a chunk of the day at my parents which was important, persuaded the dentist to give us an emergency apointment for S who was in pain and reluctantly purchased a few items in town for Christmas and Birthdays coming up all too imminently.

Finally, and despite not wanting to go, I ventured back to town where S was supposed to be joining others for Carol singing....but being late we thought we would catch up with them at the first stop. No great surprises that after an hour of loitering on the street corner outside one of our hotels we decided to call it a day and came home... we had no mobile contact numbers, and as S said, I should have gone to the original meeting place, but as we were running late I honestly thought I was being sensible...

The list is still almost as long as it was this morning and I am ready for bed...

The stars and moon were beautiful tonight...

I almost took a photo as we waited for the others to arrive...

street lights and Christmas lights tell stories of the lives behind the house doors...

My daughter told me she would always be with me in my heart and in my head... how does she get that at such a young age?
Am thinking that all those who ever touch our hearts and souls stay with us, both in our hearts, and in our heads... a beautiful thought...

My son fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow... guess thats what you get when you live each waking moment with such energy... he always has...

I missed my friend's daughter on morning television and only realised this evening...

Most of the time I think I'm doing a rubbish job at being a parent... but I try, and somehow thats what my kids seem to see...and I am truly grateful for that...

I never got back to any exercise - today was the day - so am still feeling flabby and lard like...

Am fading fast - the sofa and fire and wine lull me into a soporific state where climbing the stairs is almost too much effort... and I have work tomorrow morning.. early....

Vulnerable...

Even the strongest man is only human...
even my rock who is R...
it made me feel so very vulnerable...
when the pain and sickness that is migraine hit earlier...
and persisted...and persisted...despite all my nursing, and care, and the depths of the medicine cabinet....
and I realised what, or who, I took for granted..
always there...
adding a certain 'je ne sais qoi' to family life...
a certain 'joie de vivre'...
part of the mix...an essential, ingredient
I know I try not to...
but when someone is always there you do get used to them always being there..

today a vital component of this family unit was missing...
and I couldn't sort it
couldn't fix it...
and I tried...
so hard...
but I couldn't...

so, minus children
we graced the 'doctors on call' service with our company,
who in turn made us comfortable in A&E for the best part of four hours..
while they stopped the pain and the sickness...

and diagnosed something else while we were there... love the incidental findings... not...
will have to embrace them tomorrow...

quite possibly the very best doctor I have ever come across though - and I have come across quite a few...
calm, informative, logical, reassuring, obviously competent, friendly, efficient... the list could go on...
just a shame he is a locum and not permanent.

finally we are at home, finding stable ground again... am feeling less vulnerable now...
less scared,
am relieved...

but the truth is
we're only really strong when we're all together...
and we're all much more vulnerable than we think - every one of us.

There were times today I was really, really scared - part imagination, part reality fed the fear...
things I've seen and things I've experienced.
a little knowledge - or a lot - isn't always helpful...

seeing those we think of as strong, suddenly weak, shakes our foundations...
made me think - sometimes it's good to be shaken and disturbed ~
to remember why we need each other in the mix...

Thursday thoughts...

Returning from Town with a new haircut....and the promise that next year I'll do something wild and whacky just to surprise my wonderful hairdresser... am pondering what...

It is a beautiful crisp, cold, clear day, the sand is swept into dunes along the wall, in soft, clean, golden mounds as if it belongs there, not that it has been swept up, swirled around and dumped there from treacherous storms the other evening...

I love that about nature - somehow it always seems to settle and find a new normal....
No doubt someone will be along to move it back where it came from at some point - the dunes are now on the wrong side of the wall... !

Still beautiful...

What I was thinking about though were the birds as I watched them - all along the shoreline. Graceful, wild and free, so much of their beauty tied in with their free spirit...

free spirits, love and beauty... a story about a caged bird somewhere in my memory...
and how much of life is about letting go and the balance between loving and embracing the freedom of spirit, whilst trying to keep hold of it in some tangible way at the same time... and what a difficult, virtually impossible, balance that is...

Prepared for the school disco... since early this morning...
S has just returned, flushed and smiling, happy, a brilliant time had by the sounds of it...
but what of the boy who asked her out... the little darling... ! he's got excellent taste, I give him that... :)
am feeling more than a bit territiorial...
she is beautiful, and anyone would be a fool not to want to go out with her - to spend time having fun with her... can't think of anything more wonderful in the whole world....
but she's my baby, and she's my girl...

so I am relieved that at least for now, she said no, well actually she couldn't make up her mind - it's a genetic problem that one...

she is safely tucked up in bed, as is her brother who has become firmly attached to his mobile since his disco...

Can't work out why I would feel differently about him to her - she certainly knows her mind enough to not be messed around...

however, I am hoping this means we can now spend some time before boys have to enter into the equation, and stir up hormones and feelings more than they already are...

my prayer tonight... x

sky reflections in silver feet

imperfect etched silver feet....
smaller, yet in direct proportion to their feet sizes at the moment...
a footballer, and a dancer...

impossible to polish, impossible to photograph...
scratched already and that's before they get to the engravers...
I loved the reflections in them... the ceiling reflections weren't great, or the ones of me trying to stay out of the reflection as I took the photo, but I liked this one of the sky ...

there is something lovely about working on something so personal and it's been fun getting to know my children's feet again in detail...
would have loved to be able to cast them properly...
so many lumps and bumps yet they feel so smooth...
unique and so very, very, different from each other...

Just love the thought of all the adventures those little feet have had, and are going to have, as they grow...

Thanks for the medicine Mouse...

So many things I should be doing... what with Christmas round the corner and family birthdays, and the wood for the cupboard doors I am making having just been delivered...

instead, courtesy of recently discovered mousie's, direction to impacted nurse and a free ebook, I have been laughing out loud...

hospital humour... truly good for the soul... much needed laughter...

In some ways like a squirrel gathering nuts...

another item for advent - a calendar...