New days...

It's a new day, and I guess last night will be one of those moments many people won't forget, where they were, and who they were with while the American election was taking place, and the moment they heard the results.
Such hope and expectation tied up in a moment and a choice, and then there comes a time when walking the walk becomes a reality from talking the talk... not an easy thing to do.

How can we know the significance of our choices and how they may shape lives...? I find that a huge thought generally, and have rarely been as interested as I was yesterday to see how things worked out.

Change and possibility linger and give strength to hope and belief perhaps.

On a slightly separate note and thought ~ yet still related in my brain

I have just been over at Liz's blog reading her diary of her time in Palestine, the same trip big John and same harbour, new shelter were on and have been writing about. I can't imagine what it is like to visit, let alone live there, but need to hear their stories to make it real, and I want my children to know about them too. Stories and experiences need to be shared, need the cold light of day, as shocking as they are.
Either I have been deaf and blind, not in the right place at the right time, or just totally unaware, or alternatively it could be that the information isn't being made accessible enough to every day people, but I knew relatively little about this until recently. Until then it had never featured on my information radar and yet I still know very little, despite reading here and there, and trying to keep it as simple as I can for easy absorption and to make it easier to relay to others in the family at some point.

Information like this needs to be a part of education as much as anything else is.
Information and awareness, which may somehow bring about change...possibly, somehow.

I'm pleased they are writing and sharing their images too, they are worth a look.

Today is a new day with a new American president, and tonight there are fireworks which are totally unrelated... It's a good day - a new start perhaps...lets hope

Impulsive and decadent

Slightly impulsive, a bit decadent, on a whim, and in response to a party invite, we jumped on a plane and caught up with some friends we haven't seen for about three years, aswell as having fun with new ones...

drinking and playing with sparklers.

It was a whirlwind, but excellent fun and to be recommended. We left the children behind and so could party without feeling responsible...

Stepping out of normal life for even a day, feels like far longer though.

I am tired but revived.

We did come home to some sad news, which was totally out of the blue, but still it reinforces the need to take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want to do sometimes...

People

I have a much welcome day off today with plenty to fill it.
I so want to catch up on reading that I haven't got around to, people I want to give time to without feeling I have to rush off, but that may have to wait until this evening...

I mentioned in my last post two blogs from people who have just returned from a trip to Palestine with stories and experiences to share. I know the links were quite a way down the post, so here they are again - Big John and Paul, it is worth clicking their way.


Life at Rainbow dreams continues much as ever.
Inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but hugely consequential for those of us who live here.

I am mid way through my teaching qualification that I am studying for at night class. I have completed over half the written assessments and in just under two weeks I will have my practical assessment, after which I can relax a little about it all....I will be able to get off this hamster wheel once in a while and catch the news on tv and not think that working till gone 11 every night is normal!

The last night class was extra fun as I ended up in a group with a friend from school days - we both went out on a blind date together back then, and have been good friends ever since.
Lessons are lightened somewhat by meeting up although I am sure we weren't this disruptive at school.
However, amidst the (much) laughter and silly comments and innuendo - and egged on by the boys in our group too...who were far worse than we were, we did finally complete our task to design a lesson plan to teach someone who has never seen one before, to ride and maintain a bike.

I am appreciating meeting up with K, reconnecting and catching up ~ I wonder if I value the lessons for that reason as much as their intrinsic value to the course.
It also makes the lessons go more quickly, and makes the dryness of the essay titles slightly more palatable somehow.

I do love the idea that learning should be fun, not something we were familiar with back then!
and I shall try to keep that in mind as I write my next assignment later on today - at the moment my mind is blank!

Sometimes our worlds become insular, I am feeling that at the moment - it feels like I am being very selfish, that I don't have the time to spare for other people as much as I would like.
I know it's not a long term thing but it bothers me, soon I will have more to give, more to say, I am enjoying where I am, mainly that is... but so much gets a superficial taking in and filing 'for later digestion'.

Oh there was a very special moment I can share just before we went away... through the magic of macs and ichat... all my magic moments are around people ... the wondrous Jayne of Journey through Grace, one of my first blogging friends and I, finally met up and spoke face to face and our families were able to meet across the oceans that divide us.... it shall remain one of my highlights for a long time :)

No I am off to sort mountains of paperwork and make a start on my essay,
whilst pondering the bigger things in life

oh and talking of bigger things, I did rather like this post today from typewriter Kate.

Holidays and conversations - please click on links, x

It’s the end of our holiday, and we have walked back down the hill ready to wait for our taxi at 1am. Middle of the night flights add to the sense of adventure ☺
I am surrounded by three sleeping bodies and silence apart from their slow night time breathing.
It is still warm and balmy.
The widescreen tv sits looking at me, a wonderful decorative piece of engineering and a large black box with some tiny speakers next to it…neither of which works, the tv because of some fault and the speakers because they aren’t connected to anything.
The only place to access wifi was at a cocktail bar at the top of the hill (oh what hardship!).
Mobiles have been slightly dubious ~ I called my son, who was out of sight to see where he was, and a greek sounding Cypriot man answered! Fortunately when I did find him he was safely with his Dad, so the mystery of the Cypriot answering his mobile number will remain unless there is something I don’t know.
We have all struggled to adapt to not putting toilet roll down the toilet, but in the bin next to the loo, but on the other hand have found it exceedingly easy to adjust to the slower pace of life, at least in the short term.
Back though, to the isolation from tv ~ even dvd’s proved a slight problem, although the mac did save the day when the dvd player gave up half way through a film we were all watching…
and the absence of the internet as a distraction.
Oh and there were no board games either…

so just us and a whole island to explore ;)





Which meant we actually had to spend time with each other, communicating and being with each other…all of us…which isn’t really such a hardship, apart from ordinarily we break it up with the distractions we just didn’t have here. We do enjoy one anothers company and it is a luxury to find uninterrupted time as adults to talk at leisure about anything and everything.
However, it is also apparent that hormones are surging and raging through my children at the moment and the importance of chill out time and space has never been more evident. Thankfully there was a swimming pool within the complex very rarely used by anyone else but us (we didn’t take it personally) and so chill out time could be just that!

As I watch them sleep now I remember some things that have hit home this holiday. My heart still surges with love when I see them even though I am turning grey and I frequently feel like tearing it out in desperation
There is a slight consolation and some solace from the fact that apparently T’s Mum says exactly the same things to him about the same things…according to R that is…so I’m not alone and also apparently not quite as creative in my responses as I had hoped!

However, and I know it sounds daft, but so often I have reminded myself that, as far as so many things go, in fact this is it, the here and now…there are no second chances, well perhaps there are some, but there is no going back and redoing it over again, which brings things sharply into focus whenever I am drifting off.
Reminds me of how precious this time is with these very special humans who have been given to us. Too true it goes fast, too damn fast.

So when they want to jump in the sea with me I’m going to do it…and the other various things they want us to do with them…it feels a bit like we’re on limited time, when perhaps we’re not really… but just in case I’m not going to risk it.

We didn’t find Aphrodite but we did find the donkeys… all the way to Cyprus to feed donkeys?!



At least we could feed them and see them… I wasn’t sure that turning up at Aphrodites pool and telling the kids they couldn’t swim in it would go down too well.
I was slightly disappointed too – apparently you come out of it ten years younger ☺

We have had adult discussions, grown up ones about various subjects, time to let thoughts and questions be aired and taken seriously. I’d like to think we should have more time like this at home and not have to wait for holidays to do this kind of thing, but home is busy busy busy….full on, far too full on but there never seems to be a let up on activities that fit in around homework, and so space like this is indeed a gift.

Time to think about the important things to us and this family, and also to consider other people, what they are doing and where they are. What it is like to live as another person in another place, another situation.
Blogs we have checked as soon as we have had internet access are those of Big John and Paul who are out in Palestine right now and who will have stories to tell and share when they return, of humans just like all of us.
We have talked about things, realised areas we are so ignorant about and promised the children we will search out answers to questions they ask.
They need to hear the stories just as we do.

My family is growing up… what we say and what we do make a difference…in so many areas… It is important to find time to talk and do things inbetween the usual football and dancing and homework routine…
Tomorrow is school and work, normality returns, I hope we can mange real life inbetween and not become too narrow in our own worlds

Homeward bound

Am about to fly home.. a week without wifi and no tv or dvd either has meant lots of time to talk and discuss and share ideas...
not as bad as it first sounded I guess... though the chikdren don't get how we could ever come away without phones and the internet and no English tv... devastation!!
See you soon!, x

Small acts, possibility and hope...

You can’t be neutral on a moving train. In this world where the efforts of caring people often pale in comparison to what is done by those who have power, how do I manage to stay involved and seemingly happy? I am totally confident not that the world will get better, but that we should not give up the game before all the cards have been played. The metaphor is deliberate; life is a gamble. Not to play is to foreclose any chance of winning. To play, to act, is to create at least a possibility of changing the world. There is a tendency to think that what we see in the present moment will continue. We forget how often we have been astonished by the sudden crumbling of institutions, by extraordinary changes in people’s thoughts, by unexpected eruptions of rebellion against tyrannies, by the quick collapse of systems of power that seemed invincible.

Looking at this catalogue of huge surprises, it’s clear that the struggle for justice should never be abandoned because of the apparent overwhelming power of those who have the guns and the money and who seem invincible in their determination to hold on to it. That apparent power has, again and again, proved vulnerable to human qualities less measurable than bombs and dollars: moral fervour, determination, unity, organization, sacrifice, wit, ingenuity, courage, and patience.

Revolutionary change does not come as one cataclysmic moment (beware of such moments!) but as an endless succession of surprises, moving zigzag toward a more decent society. We don’t have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. Even when we don’t “win,” there is fun and fulfilment in the fact that we have been involved, with other good people, in something worthwhile. We need hope. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, and kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvellous victory.

Howard Zinn

The more I read this the more I like it ...

Shenanigans..

Its half term now for both children, which meant that R wanted to catch up with his friends and so he wanted one of his mates to sleep over. They have had fun, messed around on bikes and done silly boy stuff.. not sure exactly what, but it involved lots of laughing and staying up late.
It also involved creeping outside to play in the garden in the dark after they were supposed to be asleep, the only give away being the noise of bikes landing off the ramp.. yes they were ramping in the dark...
Somehow they don't seem to mind being told to come in... surely they expected that? And the disappointed and let down, I trusted you and you betrayed my trust card worked well...
until it transpired this friend had somehow missed tea... arrived after we had had ours, and hadn't thought to say.. he was fine earlier but now is starving and it's 11.45pm....
after all the various options we settle on cereal.....why did noone tell me cheerios are full of zebedee like zing...or maybe if you're a teenage boy who hasn't eaten and you suddenly refuel you will appear like zebedee after a caffeine fix....
Added to which R is upstairs asleep because he still has to work tomorrow, so it's me who has this to sort out...
Now they have the giggles which I admit is quite endearing.. if only I wasn't so tired, plus apparently it's cool if you are a parent who stays up past midnight for no good reason other than obviously to look after the welfare of your child and his mate, that they wouldn't see as my motive!!
I also admit that I have indeed been up playing and not working - and I should be working, but there have also been late night shenanigans going on to keep me from my studies .
I'm just wondering if I can really use this as an excuse for not getting it in on time!

Rewards

Noone can continue flat out, there comes a time when we ease back... even a tiny bit... and it feels good, blissfully free, that sudden release of tension...
the feeling that makes it worthwhile ~
without stretching that can't happen
The addiction of new challenges, of always searching for something more, of new adventures...
I had almost forgotten how hooked I could be on it till now - how addictive it really is!

Of course there are other rewards too - I had just forgotten this one felt so good.

I have a respite from all the hard work, just for a while and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts :)

Randomness...

that may partially explain the lack of coherent blog posts lately :)

R jnr is back from the schools football tour victorious, with scores of 9 nil and 7 nil, but having sustained yet another injury - I fear this is the start of a long relationship between us and physiotherapists...where rest is likely to be the most difficult instruction to adhere to!

Fortunately the hamster escaped massive infection, is still alive and there is evidence to support the fact that he has been picking his scab!!! Naughty hamster... but not a lot we can do there!! Did Blue Peter ever have hamsters and were there ever any sticky back plastic accidents with them? I wonder...
I never knew hamsters could pick scabs.

Yesterday, with dinner guests expected in less than four hours, it seemed the most logical thing (to one member of this family) to start to pull the kitchen apart and try to put it back together... and
considering as yet we have nowhere else to eat other than the kitchen, I was naturally a little perturbed.
However, in true makeover style, with minutes to go, it all came together :)

I adore the fact that since S started to learn the piano we are treated to live recitals but am starting to wish she wasn't quite as diligent in her practice, especially when I am trying to get my head around various legislation relating to work and issues of equality, diversity and inclusion... which I failed to submit in time last week and the days are fast running away with me this week!!

It hasn't happened in a (long) while, but I had a vague flutter of excitement on hearing about a new priest who is presenting things a little differently. We have been 'bad' people and not attended for some time, for various (always legitimate) reasons.
I am sure there will be some reaction relating to this within those who attend regularly, but am curious to experience for myself.... a fresh approach, a new presentation, a new way of relating...
and as ever I am pondering on how much the presentation is so very important on how the information is received and made relevant. We will see, and perhaps make a few people happy in the process. Who knows where it might lead..

I also now have an ever increasing ironing pile, and several movies I am waiting to watch...if only there were a few extra hours in the day, or if I could learn to function on less hours of sleep per evening.

I live in hope :)

Sunday silliness

It always takes time getting used to a new system...
I think my patient mac support would agree!

An interesting weekend...

An interesting weekend, it has to be said... (well for me anyhow!)
and tiredness deems this more of a diary entry than a thoughtful blog post.


if distraction was what was required then there was more than my fair share, shame it always happens all at once with little time to stop and savour the moments.

Football season is upon us once again and somehow this generates enthusiastic encouragement from the sidelines when R jnr is playing... I can't seem to help myself. It is, in my opinion anyhow, far more exciting than any other football game ever, and a little friendly rivalry amongst the supporters is all in good fun - what is nice is that because of differences between school and island teams they will often swap between playing with and against each other - how quick we change and form new allegiances!!

Then we juggled music lessons with dressing up as pirates to swim for charity and made a mad dash to the supermarket to prepare for friends coming for supper.

In the midst of supper preparations somehow, despite my warnings, the hamster got entangled in sticky tape and was naturally not best pleased - the poor guy was in pain when we tried to peel the tape from him, as was R when Houdini hamster bit him...
The poor little soul is now half bald since there was no option other than to trim his hair to remove the tape (lessons learned all round I think)

We somehow ended up with a house full of people staying over and then today I spent watching S dancing with The Royal Ballet school who were over on an outreach programme :)
A very special event and memory for us both.

Then to try and make some slow progress with assignments and essays and lessons for this week...

and I thought the idea of weekends was to relax?

Photos might well follow :)

x

Other news, or therapeutic blogging..

I didn't plan on putting this here but hey it's my space and it's life and it's real and so why not?
Am still getting used to the idea of this...but I can't seem to quite get past it to blog about other stuff.

It's been a funny old year health wise, and while my swollen joints and pain subsided after a few months and I was finally able to wear my rings and watch again, the doctors investigations and multiple blood tests continued.

Now I'm used to accepting that my body just functions and works how it is supposed to. In fact I'd have always said it was extremely efficient ~ can't even really grumble too much about childbirth... it kind of knew what it had to do and it did it.

It has to be said though, that although I have all the time in the world for people who really are sick or have a genuine problem, I am far less tolerant of those who are prone to whinge about the tiniest thing ~ a legacy of my Accident and Emergency days I guess, and I tend to apply the same logic to me and my family (at which point everyone feels sorry for my husband and kids...!!!)
I just can't see the need to go on about every ache and pain....

So, it came as a bit of a shock to me to be told that the reason for my swollen joints was that I have Lupus, an autoimmune condition which may at times cause my joints to swell and become painful, but also explains a whole lot of other stuff from the past, miscarriages, childhood migraines and raynauds which has got me out of swimming in freezing water and is a very good reason to lie in the sun on a beach reading whilst watching daft people splash in subzero temperatures just for fun...
turns out they are all linked together....

My initial reaction was, ok, that explains a lot, I assumed it would carry on in the background as it had for years, but perhaps that was hasty of me...
Am just starting to realise this is for real, real because my joints do hurt, they were fine all through the summer but they have started to hurt and I am fed up with my body for not just working properly.
Have had a few 'moments' today, moments where I felt so feeble and pathetic, and tearful, where I had to call to make my next out patient appointment - the good news is my consultant is gorgeous and lovely...interpret as you will...he is :)

I guess having to book an appointment made it real too...
and having to go back to taking painkillers did aswell.

Its not a huge thing, I'm fine, honestly I am, and I will learn to integrate this into how I live, I hadn't realised it was going to be worse from now on because I had had a flare up at the start of the year, but right now it's just taking a whole lot of getting my head round...easy to ignore when it's not around, not so easy when it is... time will tell how it is going to progress and I have been reassured it is mild and caught early there are things that can help...

Right now things that help are having a mad scouser telling funny stories about his day and making me laugh...and telling me it'll all be ok....
and good friends and chilling out, distractions...

laughter really is the best medicine :)

Dominoes

Ok I know, no blogging for ages...
sorry to anyone who might think I'm ignoring or not bothering with them.. it's not that at all...

It's just there's a rather interesting game of dominos happening here which is keeping us all busy. You know the thing, one thing leads to another and so on, and although it's tiring, you really just have to go with it. Change always requires effort in some form, but I am conscious that I'm actually happier than I have been for a long time even while I'm busy straying out of comfort zones and rising to challenges
The rewards are worth it, even though today has been a stressful reminder that we all get days when it doesn't quite all come together as it should and so we just have to try harder next time round!!

It has also given me a chance to look at stuff from the past and maybe put some of it to rest for a while, or maybe for good.. who knows... but whatever, it is beneficial - we drag so much stuff around with us and don't always get the chance to air it and give it a real chance of belonging in the past. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and appreciate what we are actually telling them, however silly it may sound to other people. One person not to dismiss it as unimportant, one person to care enough to see it as important because it is important to us...
so that's that, and it is good... :)


Then there is the mac story intertwined amongst the rest of life...
an almost careless comment online led to a friend realising that I did actually own a mac, but it fairly quickly became apparent that we had somewhat underused this piece of machinery... for eerrrmmm about two years...!

You see the reason we bought it was for R's art work, only I had kind of highjacked it, and to be fair only really used it for blogging and quick access to the internet because it is so much faster than the pc...

I had no idea of its potential - or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to unlock it...

So, for reasons best known to himself, this exceedingly patient and now longsuffering friend to whom I am now greatly indebted and grateful, offered to help and ever since has been imparting pearls of mac related wisdom, whilst I have been showing my ignorance and stupidity (only in this particular area I might add) to an almost uncomfortable and cringeable degree...(I cringe every time I know I'm going to show just how little I still know...and he invariably laughs and/or pulls a face/ shakes his head in disbelief and then very patiently tells me what I need to do...)
I am however confident that the end justifies the means, and one day I will no longer be as ignorant or stupid, at least in these areas... and will have at least provided some form of entertainment in the meantime...


plus R will have a web site.

which was one of our main aims when we first became mac owners :)

I have become firm buddies with the nice people in the apple shop and find myself contemplating the possibilities that this smart shiny sleek and newly updated machine can offer.

So before I disappear off to bed and the start of another fun filled day, I must install the latest version of iLife so we're ready for the next step tomorrow.

I'm not sure how often I will be blogging in the near future, I do so much want to read and comment - but am managing neither very well...and for those of you who I e mail, I do keep meaning to but don't seem to get round to that either...
I haven't forgotten you...
x

I'm in here

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook
There are many thoughts that go through my head...
Just wanted to post it here...

Inconsequentially beautiful

Today the sun came out,
we had a call from college friends we haven't seen since the children were tiny inviting us over,
yet again there were not just one or two, but several friendly and gorgeous airmen in town, smiling and chatting and creating an all over good feeling :)
I spent time with a friend who just sees and is beautiful, who gave me a wonderful gift too, for no reason...
I finally spoke to someone pleasant and cheerful within the health care system and that in itself was reassuring
I bought a pair of shoes within about five minutes, they were just waiting for me :)
I felt warm sand between my toes, as I sat looking out to sea on a near empty beach and wondered at the worn and rusty barriers that protect us from the ravages of the waves...





John O'Donohue has been quoted more than once, on far better blogs than mine, saying

"Beauty does not linger, it only visits. Yet beauty's visitation affects us and invites us into its rhythm, it calls us to feel, think and act beautifully in the world: to create and live a life that awakens the beautiful."

Today has been inconsequentially filled with beauty, or beautiful moments that have revealed themselves to me. We all need beautiful moments, they change how we feel and how we view our days.




Some days they all come at once, a refuelling with whats right with the world.
Beauty might only visit but it's effects linger on, gradually transforming the ordinary into something totally extraordinary, the seemingly inconsequential into something very consequential indeed.

A peek into the future?

Sleep came, but with sleep comes dreaming.

I don't want to turn this into a dream diary, but sometimes you have a dream that sticks with you.
Last night I looked into a mirror (in my dreams) and in my reflection, saw myself as an old lady, my face, my skin, everything, was so changed, so.... different....
It was the most bizarre experience. To see yourself as you might be in the future.
I didn't like it, didn't like how it made me feel...
because inside I was still me.

I was also riding a motor bike (something I have never done!) but was loving it - slightly different from my vision of being pillion along the coast in beautiful sunshine behind some gorgeous hunk...thats another dream altogether ;)

Reminds me of an exercise we had to do in our first week of nurse training when we had to draw ourselves as we thought we would be when were old, and we were asked how old we thought we would be when we died... such cheerful stuff!!!
Daft thing to ask me to do since I can't draw, but it did make us think about our expectations of life, and age I guess.

So, I've been thinking about it today, as I had my hair cut :) and picked up bits for work, got on with various jobs about the place.

What will it be like? Who will be around? How will I feel? Will I still feel loved and cared for? Where will the adventure take me? - we were on a wonderful adventure in my dream :)
Will I REALLY look like I did in my dream????? ( please no!)
Will I stay lucid? All sobering thoughts...

The secret thoughts we carry round with us that we ponder on without anyone else knowing; I wonder what other people are thinking when I meet them - I see them doing one thing, and we talk, but I'd love to have a glimpse at what their secret thoughts are, all going on at the same time... and how they are feeling inside.
Like peeking through the windows of a house through half closed curtains, making out the shadows and shapes...

I have checked the mirror so many times today to make sure it hasn't come true already!
But one day it might...
and so, I guess, all I can do is,
as a certain beautiful human says,

dance like noone is watching,
sing like noone is listening
and love like you've never been hurt..


or from another e mail recently ~
life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
and never regret anything that made you smile.

I like that, could make it my mantra :)

4am

Not sure what woke me at 2.30am. It's now 4...
Head full and buzzing with all kinds of things.
Weird and colourful dreaming too, of people I haven't seen for years all meeting up together.
Last week the talk on our study days was of the REM state which happens not only when we are asleep and dreaming, but also during the day where we are highly focused, and in this heightened state we are more receptive to learning, receieving information and processing it. Perhaps there is too much to process in my brain to allow restful sleep.
Whatever it is, it is a pain. I should be asleep now.

Lessons are going round and round my brain, with things I mustn't forget to do, calls to make, resources to collect, questions I need to ask beforehand.
Other training sessions I need to prepare for, and homework to do from my course I started last night.

If I start to work properly at this hour, I'll be shattered tomorrow when I need to be awake, so I have made lists, read a little and now blogged....

I wonder if it's enough to let my brain switch off for a few hours and recharge
sometimes I think we can think too much, especially at 4am...

How could you reach the pearl by only looking at the sea? If you seek the pearl, be a diver: the diver needs several qualities: he must trust his rope and his life to the Friend's hand, he must stop breathing, and he must jump.

Rumi
Fihi ma Fihi - 50

This is just a quote I came across while exploring the writings of someone I hadn't heard of until I started blogging, and still don't know a great deal about. His writing is quite phenomenal though.

I could say it isn't related at all really to yesterday, although of course it is.

Yesterday was all about giving up control and trusting.
About being in a familiar environment I am used to having some control in, and yet yesterday I had none.
We waited, with the sole purpose of passing time.

We kept occupied, making cards, painting, watching mindless tv and played games until it was time for me to accompany him into the anaesthetic room, telling him I loved him and wishing him sweet dreams while he slipped into unconsciousness.
Despite his fear he was so calm and trusting, trusting me that I wouldn't let any harm come to him, and me trusting the anaesthetist to take care of him...

It is always a moment full of emotion and prayer for me, being with someone as they slip from consciousness to unconsciousness, regardless of who they are. That giving up total control of their life to someone else for any amount of time for me is quite incredible.

Far more so, when you entrust someone you love so entirely, into the hands of someone else.

Yesterday there was a moment where we all thought he was anaesthetised and I was about to go and he opened his eyes and spoke to us...not quite gone! Vaguely anxiety provoking but also humourous - I have never seen that happen before.

For an hour we didn't quite hold our breaths but we did mark time, in a bubble, just us two waiting and wanting to know he was safe.

Of course he was, we knew he would be... (oh so brave of us to say that now!! )
he was cared for, looked after, and now is home, healing and recovering.

Which means I am here searching out Rumi and discovering all kinds of things instead of working :)

When we're scared...

When we're scared...
who do we want? what do we want?

Tonight there was a person shaped space next to my son as he fell asleep
anxiety for a hospital trip tomorrow
I lay there holding him as I have since he was tiny, whenever he has needed me,
comforting, reassuring, inhaling his scent,
the same scent I first became familiar with within an hour of him being born.. it perfused his clothes, my clothes, it lingers still, in the crook of his neck behind his ear
so sweet, so deliciously gorgeous,
my son,
my precious son

I promise I'll be there, I'll try to keep him safe,

some promises that aren't so easy now,
now he is growing and is stretching his independent wings

I listen to his deep breathing, slow and sure, each of us soothed by the presence of each other

tomorrow will come soon enough
all will be well, I am sure it will,

till then we rest.

weekend activities

Birthdays, parties, nights out, wonderful food and drink, friends and celebrations all led to a quiet Sunday afternoon resting and recovering in preparation for the coming week.
Strange how much time can disappear when you're having fun...

However, we did manage to finally finish making a new run and cage for these two, who have put up with the restrictions of their temporary hutch for the past week and who seemed extremely pleased to rediscover their freedom and the long luscious grass that we hadn't managed to get around to cutting!

What fun it is to have a new home to explore and enjoy, especially in the sun :)